


When We Were Young

by bigasscutie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Later reunion, Love, M/M, Minor Characters Death, Mutual Pining, Sex, Slow Burn, Violence, children!eruri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-24 09:17:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 266,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6148810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigasscutie/pseuds/bigasscutie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin speaks quickly. “We will meet again. I’m sure of it.” It sounds like a serious question as he drowns in hope. He lets Levi stare at him while he thinks of a quick response. Levi frowns. His eyes are asking for assurance. Will they? Erwin doesn’t let him go away without an answer.<br/>“I promise.”</p><p>--- </p><p>Erwin and Levi meet as children, Erwin is a curious boy and Levi can't talk, can't understand. As Erwin teaches him how to speak, reads to him and plays with Levi their friendship grows into something unforgettable. Levi has something else going on, but they are happy. They truly are, until Erwin makes a mistake. </p><p>When they meet again years later, memories of happy moments spent together won't be enough for them to be friends again. </p><p>(basically, this is a "friends to enemies (to friends) to lovers" thing, enjoy)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is my first ever long fic, so please be gentle with me. I don't know what else to say, but if you have questions or anything like that just leave a comment :) You can leave a comment anyway, whenever, because I'd love to know what you think about it, of course! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and enjoy. 
> 
> p.s. this will update quite regularly if everything goes well as planned! Also, English is not my native language so please forgive me already for all the mistakes eheh (AND I will leave several warnings for every chapter that needs them later on!)
> 
> (you can also find me here bigasscutie.tumblr.com if you want to talk or whatever :3)

_It was dark around him. The only thing he could hear was his own breath quicken as he ran. He was chasing something, or something was chasing him. The air around him was gradually freezing his body. It felt horrible, it made him go slower even though he was giving everything he had to run as fast as he could._

_He kept going, he kept seeing flashes of red light blinding him through the night. Was it night time? Suddenly his gaze shot up to the sky and within seconds the pitch black above his head changed into dark blue. The red light spread into millions of gold sparks and there he was, in the middle of nothing, running through the twilight._

_His breathing became heavier and his legs started to give up on him.  He kept tripping only to get up weaker than before. He was so afraid of stopping or changing direction, but he had to get out. He decided that closing his eyes was the best thing he could do. As he closed them, though, he couldn’t find the darkness and peace he was looking for._

_He could see, feel almost, life reflected right into his eyelids. He could see the sun shining over the colors of the world he knew he loved so much. But that wasn’t what he needed right now, even if the thought was terribly comforting. So he opened his eyes again._

_He found himself in the middle of the woods, as enormous trees towered over him, and made him feel caged in. He looked around terrified; the dirty logs around him were unforgiving. He held his breath as long as he could, wishing to disappear. A shot and then a scream pierced through the cool air and then another and on and on for several minutes. He had stopped running a long ago, but the truth is he hadn’t even noticed._

_When the yells stopped he took his hands away from his face. He clenched his fists and wished for someone to come and save him. But no one could, and he knew it. Something warm was running down his face, tears, he thought. But he didn’t remember crying. His little hand touched his cheek and when he checked his fingers he screamed in silence, sickened._

_It was blood, he was crying blood. The constricting feeling continued to assail him and to make his mind blurry. He felt someone coming from behind, but how could there have been someone there? He turned around with a sudden jerk, but no one was there. Terror crawled all over him. He stood still, his head started spinning and, this time, his voice was breaking free. He screamed._

_“Everybody dies.” A voice whispered from the top of his head. Erwin froze, too scared to look up or move. His eyes widened and his breath stopped once again, held in his stinging lungs. It felt as if his heart was about to explode._

_“It’s okay.” This time, he did look up, his fogged eyes followed the voice. It felt so comforting, so sweet and so familiar. He knew whose voice that was, the sound of the only woman he ever loved, his mother._

_He remembered the stars and the night sky above him, the last chance for freedom. He was expecting to see his mother there, he was expecting an angel flying over his head._

_There wasn’t any woman there, the stars had faded away and everything was dark again. The last thing he remembered seeing was a dark-haired boy sitting on a tree, squat over a branch. A boy with the harshest, and somehow the most reassuring smile he had ever seen._

 

Erwin wakes up short of breath and sits up in his bed, sweating and panting. He runs a hand through golden short hair as he tries to remember what happened.

He remembers dreaming something unpleasant, maybe a nightmare? He starts getting up as a weird feeling rushes through his whole body. He wishes he could remember the dream. The nightmare. But how could he call it that if he doesn’t even recall it? He never has nightmares, he barely dreams at all. 

He shakes his head and yawns deeply as he rises to change into new clothes. He should take a shower, but what ten-year-old kid wants to take a shower first thing in the morning? Instead, he decides to open the window. He needs air to shake off the weird feeling.

The sun’s light melts into the room gently, it’s early and the rest of the world is still waiting to wake up. Erwin yawns again and stretches his arms, a gesture that gives him relief after a night of a lot of apparent twisting around.  As the light warms his face he smiles at the new day.

He feels strangely alive as if he was about to live the last day of his life or his first. He might as well take full advantage of it.

Erwin stares at the world outside of his window, so beautiful yet so mysterious in the early hours of the day. He starts thinking about how other kids at school find it weird that he’s always happy to be awake and at school; he never understood why they couldn't understand. That, he figures, is the main reason he doesn’t have any friends. He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t really have a choice. 

Being the teacher’s son doesn’t help either. Everyone is convinced he’s the favorite, no one seems to care that he actually likes studying and is good at it. He’s aware he’s not exactly popular with the other children for that reason, too. He scowls at the unpleasant thought. He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t care.

He just likes learning, he wants to be aware of all there is to know. Still, he doesn’t understand why that is seen as such a bad thing. And so it is that he’s always left alone, and he doesn’t mind. He has learned how to be alone long ago, it doesn’t bother him anymore. Most of the time, at least.

He smiles at the little blue bird that happens to land on his windowsill. He tries to caress it, but it flies away. Erwin’s smile drops.

So what if he doesn’t have a lot of friends? What if everyone talks behind his back only to label him as the creepy, weird child who always plays by himself and sometimes asks too many questions? It’s not fair. He clenches his jaw and presses his lips together. It’s not fair but no one ever tells him otherwise, not even his father.

He exhales a bitter sigh as a delicious smell seeps sweetly through the walls of his room, coming from the door. His father is probably making breakfast and that is enough for Erwin to get distracted. He loves breakfast, best meal of the day if you have to ask him. He rushes toward the door almost screaming a loud “coming” on the way, but then he pauses all of a sudden risking to fall over. He turns around and brings a hand to his mouth. His eyes flicker over the room and then he smiles with guilt spread all over his face.

“Carl!” He paces to his desk and bends over an open tank, large enough to host his precious pet, a turtle.

“How could I ever forget about you? I am so terribly sorry, my dear. You must accept my deepest apologies.” Sometimes Erwin enjoys talking like a grown-up man, all manner and kindness.

The truth is he actually is sorry. A strange sensation darkens his mind again. In all those years he never forgot to greet his little animal in the morning. The dream must be affecting him more than he likes to think. Carl, also originally and proudly called Benjamin Alexander Thomas George Smith II, doesn’t even flinch when Erwin begins to talk to him with his usual energetic voice.

Erwin knows a turtle is not the most receptive animal, he’s not dumb. He always wanted to have a dog for all that matters, but then one day he had found Carl in the neighbor’s garden and couldn’t resist to take it home with him. Ever since Carl has been his only, true friend. His companion of adventures and partner in crime. Erwin has grown so fond of it that he barely separates from it at all. Until that day, at least.

He contemplates his pet, like a scientist would, as an elaborate conversation goes on in his head.

“I told you I am sorry. I will never forget again, I promise.”

Silence, he talks again. “Nothing is wrong, you don't need to worry about me.”

He looks down and then jumps, surprised by the imaginary question.

“How do you know about that? …I don’t remember, okay?”

“It was just a dream. There is nothing to worry about. I think I will go and have breakfast now if you excuse me.” He leaves a couple of bright green leaves for the turtle to eat and walks to the door, but he stops again. He turns around to face the far away turtle.

“You are right, Carl. Maybe today it is different,” He pauses, then the brightest grin illuminates his face. “maybe today will finally be the day of our greatest adventure!” And just like that, he runs to the kitchen.

When he gets there a mild golden and pinkish light is coloring all around the room, which makes Erwin’s smile grow even larger. Everything is better in the morning. The light, the smells, the fresh air. It’s a new wave of hope all over again.

He notices his father isn’t around, even though breakfast is already on the table. Maybe it’s indeed too early, or maybe he just went outside for a moment. No need to worry.

“Dad?” Erwin calls him without raising his voice.

The white curtains of the back door in the kitchen ruffle as the wind brings new air inside. Erwin frowns, his father never leaves the door open in the morning this period of the year. It’s autumn outside and it’s starting to get cold.

“Dad?” He speaks louder now, a hint of concern in his clear voice when finally he hears someone talking.

He immediately recognizes his father’s voice, low and steady, possibly nervous too? And then another one, one he doesn’t particularly appreciate. He’s about to call for his father one last time when the two men enter the room.

His dad raises his thick eyebrows surprised by the child’s presence. He shoots him an apologetic smile for his absence.

“Good morning Erwin, I wasn’t expecting you to be up so early.”

“Good morning dad.” Erwin doesn’t explain the reason for his early rising, instead, he throws a suspicious look at the other man as he folds his arms.

“This is a friend, Erwin. John Schwartz. John, Erwin.” Erwin tries to smile at the stranger, but all he manages is a forced and ugly grimace on his childish face. No one notices it, though.

“Nice to meet you, kid.” The man pats his shoulder enthusiastically, giving Erwin all the wrong impressions. He doesn’t look like a nice man.

He’s old, he takes up too much superfluous space and his face looks like the one of an ugly, stupid dog. His smile makes Erwin shiver and take a step back without even realizing it.

The feeling of his sweaty hand remains over him and Erwin has to force himself to reply. “Nice to meet you too, sir.”

“Oh, there’s no need to call me sir, kid! John is just fine.” Erwin observes his father’s face and he notices how he probably doesn’t like the old man either.

But Erwin also registers how he’s begging him, with a genuine look, to be polite and behave, and Erwin always listens to his father. The two men exchange a couple of words more.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, right?” Mr. Schwartz asks Erwin’s father a bit too loudly.

“I won’t be late.” He confirms, and Erwin is confused.

“Excuse me.” He turns the attention on himself.

“What about class? You have work tomorrow.” He explains to his dad, his face quizzical.

“Tomorrow will be an exception, son.”

Erwin raises an eyebrow, a rush of discomfort and anger runs through him. “What?”

He knows what happens when his father gets replaced by the substitute teacher. Erwin is never left alone then, and as much as he’d like to think of that as a good thing, it really isn’t. Everyone makes fun of him, mocks him. They say terrible things about him or about his father not being there to protect his sweet, strange child. It’s terrible, and he hates it.

“I’m sorry, Erwin.” His father says.

“Where are you going?” Erwin hesitates for a moment before asking. His eyes fly from one to the other.

“Oh, we’re going hunting!” The old man explodes in a short and satisfied laughter. Erwin’s father sighs deeply, rubbing his exhausted face.

“John, I specifically asked you not to talk about that.”

“Dad, why?”

“Well because-”

“I want to come!” Erwin almost cries out in excitement, his blue eyes lighting up. Everything would sound better than being alone with his classmates right now. Besides, this does sound like a pretty exciting adventure.

Another deep sigh comes from his dad. “That’s why I didn’t want you to know.”

Erwin just stands there smiling more than ever, trying to convince his dad with a pleading face. “No, Erwin. You’re too young.”

“That’s not true.” He grows serious all of a sudden, never taking his gaze off his father. He knows he’s only ten, but Erwin is clever enough to know he is much more mature than many of the other children he knows. Moreover, he can’t bear when adults say that. Don’t they ever remember how being ten is, how smart one already feels, at least?

“He’s right, come on! Let him come, it will be fun. He’s about to become a man soon anyway.” The other man agrees happily with Erwin in the tense air.

Erwin tries another small smile to persuade his father. He does his best to manipulate him into thinking he will probably be the saddest child in the world if he doesn’t go with them; it works. Because Erwin might be young but he knows how to get what he wants.

“Are you sure? Do you even know what hunting involves?”

“Well, yes. Of course, I know.” He knows, he doesn’t care.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” His father inspects him carefully, knowing well enough how little Erwin enjoys to hurt creatures, or to see them hurt. Erwin is half aware of it too, but if that’s what it takes to do a bit of exploring then it won’t be that bad, will it?

“Oh leave it! He’s old enough. I would be so pleased if he came with us too.”

“Fine. But you have to get up early.”

“That’s okay.”

“I’m glad you can join us, little man.” The other one says winking at him. It’s disturbing.

Erwin nods and then runs up to his room. He doesn’t even eat his breakfast and skips lunch later on. He spends the whole day in his room making up stories in his head about what tomorrow is going to be like.

He dreams of seeing wild animals and observing every kind of plant he can find. He wonders what it’s like to kill an animal, why do they have to do that. Maybe he will be lucky, though. Maybe tomorrow no one will kill anything and everything will be alright. Hope fills his chest as the thought caresses his mind.

At the end of the day, when he’s too tired to stay awake he falls on the bed heavily and satisfied. Gradually, he starts remembering parts of the nightmare he’s had the night before. He trembles at the memory and gets a little scared. It feels wrong, so wrong. Maybe it just feels different, he tells himself. Maybe it’s a test to prove he’s finally ready to grow up.

Different is good, he can work with different.

That night he dreams the same thing. He runs, he cries blood, he doesn’t see his mother. He does look up for that boy’s smile again. This time, he manages to catch his eyes too. Eyes old as the world itself and glowing like sparkling silver.  They blind him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Erwin keeps his promise and wakes up early, even earlier than his father. It’s still slightly dark outside and he doesn’t mind waiting for the sun to rise this time. In fact, he’s not sure he’s going to feel the same as every other morning once the light illuminates the world.

He decides taking a shower now is a good idea. The idea of going to the woods dirty makes him uncomfortable, as if he could contaminate nature. The shower takes a lot. As he washes himself up he keeps his eyes closed, letting the water run against his quiet face. His thoughts drift to the nightmare, again.

He needs to be careful about not letting go of it. He doesn’t want to forget about it this time, he wants to understand. Usually he wouldn’t care, remembering feels awful and it only comes with anxiety and unpleasant feelings. But Erwin is smart, he knows that things are supposed to get better once you understand them. He knows there is no need to be afraid, it’s just his imagination. He hopes he’s right. And so he tries.

He walks through his dream, only managing to catch pieces and bits of it. It’s frustrating how he’s not able to control his mind. He’s sure he can remember things better than this, but somehow his own head is blocking the view. His subconscious is, somehow, protecting him.

He finishes in a hurry after that. He changes into new clothes and then silently sits on his bed with his back straightened up and his legs bent neatly over the edge of the mattress. He waits for the hours to pass, there, motionless. His breath becomes deeper as he starts freeing his mind from every bad thought and memory that tread on a thin line across his head. Erwin does it often. This is how he manages to endure the other children’s jokes and mockery. How he bears his mother’s death.

She has been dead for years now but she's never truly left him, always in the back of his mind. Still, until now, she has never appeared in his sleep. He wonders if he should take her voice as a sign, but then again he never meets her figure when he looks up at the stars. Stars that he’s not able to catch and never manage to touch his eyes.

The edges of his mouth tilt up slowly in a creepy smile as he remembers the blurry face of the boy living in his dream. He smiles at the other’s inhuman grin. How can it truly be a nightmare when such a creature is willing to share the same imaginary air with him? He’s so close to grasping him now. The panic from before turns into excitement. He raises an arm up in a thoughtless motion, he doesn’t make it.

Someone knocks on his door twice. His father enters the gloomy room without asking for permission and Erwin turns his head, dropping his dark smile too late for his dad not to notice it.

“Erwin.” The older man greets him sweetly, deep affection resounding in his voice.

“Hello.” Erwin is about to stand up when his father shakes his head, which looks heavy on his shoulders, and goes to sit right beside him. He gestures Erwin to hold on for a moment. They share a long enough stare which makes the older man slightly uncomfortable. Erwin doesn’t always see it, but sometimes he can swear his father seems to be almost afraid of him.

“Everything okay?” His father’s tone has a hint of caring concern in it.

Erwin feels guilty because he knows he can never hide anything from his dad, and that he makes him worry. His father worries about him not having any friends, about him studying too much –ironically enough for a parent- or about him sitting like this, on the bed, without moving for too long. Erwin nods, not sure how to find the words.

His father understands the opposite anyway. “Do you want to talk about it? What is bothering you?”

“Dad-”

“Yes, Erwin?”

“How come you always lie during class?” Erwin completely changes the subject. His mind chooses a different direction as his father’s eyes make him think of something else completely.

They remind him of when he had told him that his mother was just fine when it was obviously wrong. It had also been the first and only time his father had ever lied to Erwin. Now he just knows how to recognize that look. And he thinks about his mother, he thinks how his father always wears the same face while teaching. He thinks about how sure he is that the older man's going to have the same expression now, too.

His father eyes widen in surprise for a second, then he relaxes and he sighs with a soft puff. “You do always ask the strangest questions.” He looks up at his son hoping for Erwin to drop the subject, but he only stares some more, waiting for an honest answer.

“I do not lie. My job is to teach you only about facts, about the truth. That’s all you need to know.” He does it again, he looks at him with the eyes Erwin hates. The child grunts and turns his head to the other side, his eyebrows frown and his lips press together. He knows he can’t argue with him right now, not if he wants to assure himself his promised adventure. It’s his father who drops the issue instead, with an exhausted sigh.

“Are you ready to go?” He asks him. Erwin turns again to gaze up at him, a faint smile appears on his young face.

“I am.”

“Just remember, son, whatever happens, today it will be okay.” His father hesitates. “It’s okay.”

A flash from his dream shines before Erwin’s eyes. _“Everybody dies.” “It’s okay.”_ Is that what is going to happen today? Erwin knows death is the point of hunting, but deep down he just hopes it won’t be as terrible as it sounds. 

“I know, dad.” His father subtly shakes his head, obviously not convinced at all.

“Let’s go then.”

 

***

 

Erwin, his father, and Mr. Schwartz spend almost the whole day just hiking through the woods. Mr. Schwartz and his dad never stop talking, how tiring.

They have been out there for a couple of hours now and they haven’t caught a thing. To the little blond, it doesn’t even feel like they are actually hunting. Erwin has never felt more alive.

He’s starting to get used to the peaceful sounds around him. The scarlet colors of the forest are filling his bright blue eyes turning them into a mesmerizing golden green. Every crunchy leaf makes him smile with illogical joy and every singing bird forces him to silence his giggles to enjoy their calming music. He’s so fascinated by the beauty of the forest, the only place where being alone would never feel wrong. He imagines a whole other life there. Without danger, without any weird story about titans or people dying. Without pain, because how could anyone suffer there? The thought warms his chest. That is until the real hunt begins.

“Erwin, don’t move.” His dad stops him as he bumps into his strong arm.

Erwin holds his breath for a moment trying to understand what’s happening. He sees a beautiful deer in front of them, only a couple of meters away. No one talks and Erwin observes as Mr. Schwartz is accurately aiming for the poor, majestic animal. It seems so peaceful and Erwin wants to warn it of his near death, but no sound escapes his mouth. 

“No.” He whispers as soon as the gunshot fires and hits the deer. He watches it fall to the ground like an old leaf, with a natural grace he has never seen before. Erwin frees himself from his father’s arm, which keeps trying to hold him as he struggles against it.

Erwin walks and kneels next to the bleeding deer. It’s still alive, it’s alive and suffering as Erwin waits for it to die. Erwin realizes he has been too naive, of course, something like this would happen. 

He bends over and clings to the deer the same way he had held his mother a long time ago. He hugs it tightly as something warm starts to wet his cheeks. Erwin widens his eyes and touches his own face in shock, afraid of what he might find all over his fingers. He’s shaking as he sighs of utter relief when he understands it’s just tears, not blood. He’s crying.

Red in the face he looks up at his dad and eventually his gaze falls on the other man, and it burns. He stands up shaking, fists clenched to his sides.

“Why.” His voice fumes in not more than a frightening noise. He doesn’t stop staring.

“Come on, kid! There’s nothing to be so shocked about.” Mr. Schwartz tries to shake the terrible feeling Erwin is feeding him with with a quick justification. “Smith, why don’t you tell your son to behave, now? There is absolutely no need to be upset.”

“Erwin, calm d-” His father can’t finish his sentence, Erwin already yelling over his voice.

“What have you done?” A couple of heartbroken unexpected tears more follow his tremor as he speaks. “You don’t get to decide who lives and who dies. That's not- It's not fair.” Deadly serious, he glares at the man for a couple of fatal seconds. 

“Erwin. I said calm down.” His father brings him back to reality and his wet eyes snap to him. Erwin’s look narrows as he steps back, and he steps back again. He keeps going until he falls over and lands ungraciously on the ground. He groans loudly.

“Don’t touch me.” He says as soon as he feels his father’s arm helping him up. He stands up and jerks away violently. “I don’t want to calm down... I don’t want to listen to you either. You lie, you’re always lying. Go away!” He barks first to the man in front of him and then to the world in general, to himself, to the pain. All the buried rage Erwin has ever felt suddenly breaks out and it doesn’t stop, flowing and burning through his veins.

“Erwin, come here!” He unconsciously runs away as fast as he can at the sound of his father’s last words.

He speeds through the woods. He runs without thinking, bumping into trees and tripping over the moist grass below his feet, tears flying as he moves too fast.

His whole body shakes and he’s terrified. Terrified of his mind giving up on him and trapping him just as it did in his nightmares, where running as fast as he wanted, needed, was never an option. Luckily his legs stay with him, and as he escapes from the cruelty he’s just witnessed he manages to calm down. He lets his lungs inhale some new, fresh air.

He stops, but his head keeps spinning for several more minutes, bursting with confusion and disorientation. The tears have dried and now he’s left alone to deal with his own impulsive actions.

He looks up dazed and scared as he finds himself in the middle of a small glade covered in autumn leaves and circled by huge old trees climbed by fresh ivy. The sun is about to rest and free the sky from its tender light. Erwin understands he doesn’t have too much time until the dark is going to loom over him. Everything looks just like the same suffocating place of his nightmare and a violent shiver crosses his spine.

Silence falls around him, his breath slowly blows out. Erwin closes his eyes, trying not to overthink the situation. It works, the quiet environment helps his heart to find a steady cadence again.

A crackling loud noise behind him wakes him up from the false calm he has just found. The beating of his heart is suddenly loud again. He’s being paranoid, there is no reason to jump to the worst conclusion just because of a simple noise. He hears it again.

Erwin whirls around.  The sound keeps coming and he shrinks back, careful but really, just afraid. Hands shaking with fear, he wraps his arms around himself in the illusion of a protecting gesture. He wishes his mind would protect him now as it did in the morning. But this is reality.

Another crack comes from behind him and he turns with a sudden jerk. His trembling arm goes up, as to stop an invisible presence, and his opened mouth goes dry with every shallow, rapid breath he takes. The trees look as asphyxiating as they did in his darkest imagination, and a silent yell leaves him as he squeezes his eyes shut to make everything go away. What a coward.

He pays extreme attention to the last loud noises playing around him and then silence falls again. Erwin freezes, should he let go now? He slowly opens one eye after the other as he keeps looking straight down, not daring to face whatever might have stopped in front of him. He searches the ground as he feels, he knows someone else is there. Or something else, he’s not sure. He takes, at last, a deeply brave breath and his gaze lifts up without regrets.

A boy. There is only a boy in front of him. _Only a boy._ Realization strikes Erwin hard as his incredulous eyes open wide at the view.

It takes a moment for him to accept that he doesn’t look like the boy of his dream. He doesn’t know if the long black hair of the child before his matches with _his._ Neither does he know if his skin is as pale and as clean, or if _his_ height is the same, _his_ body as little as the one he’s facing right now. The kid in front of him is not smiling either, Erwin acknowledges.

It can’t be him. A rush of relief, but disappointment too, overwhelms him. _It can’t be him, he’s not smiling_ , he thinks. Until his eyes lock with the dark haired boy’s. Silver grey against pure, astonished blue. Iron eyes that pierce through Erwin’s innocent soul and make him shiver. He breaks into a smile, relaxes. 

Erwin stares at the other interesting child and studies him. He notices right away he is not like all the other children he knows. And he still finds weird how he hasn’t said anything yet. He’s just standing there acting defensive. Yet, there’s also a kind of amusing curiosity spread all over his face, as if he wasn’t expecting to find anyone out there at all. His thin lips are slightly parted as he breathes in and out, letting Erwin observe him. Indeed, he is doing the same thing.

Erwin looks down at himself for a moment, then gazes up again. There’s an evident difference between them that starts, he notes, with their clothes. Actually, it’s almost like the other is not wearing any at all. His small chest is half naked, half covered in what seems to be a poorly and very badly stitched fur coat. He must be freezing in that. He’s wearing a pair of loosened ruined trousers which don’t fit him at all but somehow stay up. He’s not wearing shoes either.

Erwin’s mind opens up in surprise. Then his heart skips a beat, the boy takes a step forward. 

Electric energy shakes the air between them as the boy keeps staring at him as if he were a dangerous prey. It’s captivating. Erwin doesn’t mind, too intrigued by the presumed creature of his dreams. His blond eyebrows raise slightly and the edges of his mouth begin to tilt up; he doesn’t even notice. The boy moves an arm forward, but as soon as Erwin blinks he takes two quick steps back, tense and suspicious.

Erwin blinks again, attentive. Slowly, very slowly, he squats down, arms forward as to show him there is nothing to be afraid of. He doesn’t want to do anything to him. When he’s almost seated down he pulls his hands back and begins to take his shoes off. He places them to his side over the crunchy leaves and then stands up, straightening his back and keeping his gaze up, well fixed on the other. The boy's eyes narrow and his nose crinkles. A lock of dark straight hair falls over his forehead, contrasting with the whiteness of his spotless skin.

He could be dangerous, he considers while the thought crosses his mind.  _Think ahead_ , that’s what his father always tells him. He doesn’t let anxiety gets to him, instead he uses it to crush his doubts. Everything he was feeling before, the fear, the panic, the adrenaline from the run, just disappears.

He makes the first move, or more likely the first sound.

“Hello.” Well, that is not the smartest thing he could have said. There is no answer.

He notices the other boy looking straight down to his feet, frowning now.

“I thought it would make you feel more comfortable.” Erwin explains still watching him. He lightly wiggles his feet as to show him what he’s just said. He’s not too sure of it, but he swears he hears the boy snorting at the comment.

Erwin doesn’t believe he’s dangerous. There is tension around them, but it’s mostly curiosity, caution, interest. The dark-haired one definitely looks like someone who could snap his neck in less than two seconds, despite his stature, but Erwin optimistically trusts him.

Usually he knows better than that, trust doesn’t come natural to him as everyone might think. Erwin wonders if, instead, he’s the one scaring him.

As soon as he sees the other one shifting back again, after looking directly at his sweater, he remembers. He has deer’s blood all over him. He may not feel dangerous at all, but his clothes are saying something else.

“I-” Perhaps for the first time in his life, Erwin stutters.

He’s always been an eloquent child. It’s always been either that or a completely silent attitude with him. He never hesitates, but now? Now he can’t find the words as he loses himself in those silver eyes once again. 

“I won’t hurt you.” He says, eventually. Despite the cold he decides to take his blue sweater off, with only a light white shirt left to cover him. He shivers once, and then he forgets the cold.

The other boy quickly, too quickly, moves forward and takes the sweater right off Erwin’s hands. Erwin almost misses it, his eyes barely registering what happens. He hasn’t even felt someone beside him. If he wasn’t for the sight of his sweater held in the other’s arms he wouldn’t even have noticed that it was gone. He widens his cobalt blue eyes and his mouth drops open before turning into an admiring, amazed smile.

“How-” Again with no words on his tongue.

The kid glares at him, then raises the sweater up to his face and smells it loudly in a long and deep inhaling breath. His face darkens as he tightens his fists into the jumper. Erwin sees him clenching his jaw and prays for him not to be as angry as he looks right now. The boy takes another step back, sweater always in his hands, and with a spinning jerk he gives Erwin his back. He hears a repulsed grunt coming from him as his shoulders tense. He looks as he’s about to run away. Erwin stops him before he can.

“I didn’t do it.” The other’s legs, ready to take off, freeze. He hears him, he understands. Maybe. Erwin is not sure. He keeps talking, hesitant.

“I didn’t kill the deer. You can trust me.” His voice so weak it barely makes it to the other’s ears. But it does, and the kid turns his head slowly, almost shaking as his stare locks with Erwin’s. Again. It’s evident the kid is scared, suspicious but the words are enough to make him stay and that’s all that counts. Erwin dares and talks again.

“Are you-” The boy raises his eyebrows waiting. This getting stuck in his own words is starting to become annoying. “Do you know my mother?” Still trying to find an answer to his nightmare, Erwin asks what he knows must be odd and certainly confusing. The other’s eyebrows stay up, pressing in a frown.

Apprehension crosses Erwin’s mind, then. “Do you understand what I say?” He blurts. “Can you speak?”. He worries of being too harsh, maybe. If he were actually able to talk that would have been offensive, at least Erwin thinks so. Of course the other one doesn’t say a word, until Erwin sees it and his face illuminates in exhilaration.

The boy shakes his head, ever so slightly that it takes every bit of concentration -and luck- Erwin can gather to catch the timid gesture. The boy’s shady eyes are low and almost embarrassed after the invisible reply. Still, Erwin doesn’t know what he’s answering to, so he asks.

“You can’t speak?” Because obviously he understands, most things at least. “Or… you don’t know who my mother is?” Erwin searches desperately for an answer in the other’s face but there is nothing there.

“Do you know my mother?” He asks again, and this time he waits.

Looking more in control of himself, proud almost, the boy shakes his head again. Erwin feels his heart break and hope leaves him. He sighs lowering his head, facing the darkening ground. He is, he has to admit to himself, a little disappointed. But what was he expecting? Dreams aren’t real, and this is just a terrible, exciting coincidence. Despite the sudden frustration, Erwin keeps being extremely fascinated by the creature in front of him.

He’s definitely human, but he doesn’t look like one. Erwin’s mind flings to titans, to every story he has ever heard about them. He thinks, for a moment, to be facing one. Another kind of it, maybe? But it doesn’t feel right, he wouldn’t trust a titan, even if he knows very little about them.

A rough, animal aura surrounds the boy, making Erwin feel like maybe this was supposed to happen. Him, being so wild, so strange to his innocent eyes, can become the adventure he’s been waiting for.

Thrilled by the idea Erwin walks towards him without thinking, without realizing he’s moved too fast, imprudently. He gets too closed and the other one pulls back grinding his teeth and hissing at him. Erwin follows him, aware he might have frightened him. 

The boy in front of him doesn’t take it so well and when, accidentally, Erwin’s hand brushes his arm he shakes violently and takes on a beastly stance.

It happens in the blink of an eye. The little one attacks Erwin in a quick jerk forward and scratches his face. Erwin barely manages to stop the second assault as he ducks, startled and vulnerable. Squeezing his eyes shut he waits for more to come, but nothing happens. He opens them to see the other one dangerously close in front of him, standing and panting slightly.

Erwin stands up,  being completely captivated by how fast, how strong the boy is more than being focused on the pain he should be feeling. Immediately realizing he can’t underestimate him anymore, he takes a decisive step back. He lets him have his space as he watches him calm down from the sudden alarm he provoked.

He doesn’t even breathe as the other’s look bites him, so coldly Erwin’s body shiver. Erwin can feel blood sliding on his cheek, but he doesn’t move to clean it away. Instead, he waits. He freezes on the spot. Only after a few minutes of sharp silence the dark-haired one straightens up and regains a normal, human pose. He huffs through his nose and narrows his eyes. It looks like he’s trying, more than he should, to trust Erwin. He wonders why, is he special? Perhaps, he’s been alone for too long. Like him. Erwin raises his hands up, displaying momentary surrender.

“I’m sorry.” He quavers. He tries to relax, not to feel scared. 

“I’m sorry. I just wanted-” What did he want? Erwin wonders if an explanation is even necessary at this point.

“Can you talk?” He questions him, again. The air is still full of wary tension, the other’s eyes still threatening him as he faintly snarls at Erwin.

“My name is Erwin. Erwin Smith.” He doesn’t know why he is actually hoping for an answer. Still, he doesn’t give up. “Who are you?” Nothing.

“How old are you?” It’s something normal to ask, right? “I’m ten.” He keeps talking.

“Do you live here?” The other one tilts his head like a dog would. He looks at him strangely, and Erwin can’t quite read his face. He doesn’t give up.

“I live near here. Just outside the forest. I live with my d-” The word stops over his tongue as he remembers his father and how furious, how worried must he be right now. He can take it, Erwin decides. It’s his fault, in any case. So he goes on, and then it turns into a one-way conversation.

“I live with my dad.” The other loosens his shoulders and an inquisitive expression appears on his beautiful face. It's as if he were actually asking him where his father was, or at least that’s what Erwin sees.

“I came here, to the woods, with him and a friend of his today. He’s not here now.” Erwin considers what to say next. “He’s not the one who killed the deer.” The boy seems to relax a lot more after the statement. He slowly, without taking his eyes off Erwin, takes a step forward. Erwin quivers then smirks.

“I already told you, you can trust me.”

“You still haven’t said a word.”

“It’s okay, I am used to it.” Erwin's smile grows fonder as his thoughts go directly to his dear turtle. “I have a friend at home who’s just like you.”

The boy shakes his head confused at that. Erwin chuckles, then explains. “Well, it’s not exactly like you, of course. He just doesn’t reply, ever. I have to do all the job myself.” He thinks how years of pretended conversations make it so easy for him to talk now.

He observes the other’s face becoming something between sad and angry. He bites his bottom lip and shoots Erwin a nervous look.

“What?”

“I didn’t- it wasn’t a critic. You know, I really like my friend. Especially because he doesn’t talk too much. No one ever knows what to say to me anyway. They say I’m weird.” Erwin looks around embarrassed, frustrated even.

As he looks up to the sky to take a deep breath he understands the day is going to die soon. The gentle orange light of the sunset is turning into dark purple, coloring the plants around him in a peaceful fairytale shade. He knows he should get home, he needs to. He’s still shoeless and cold without his sweater.

“Can you speak?” Erwin is aware of the repetition of his questions, but he’s a stubborn child. He doesn’t answer again and Erwin is not at all surprised.  Maybe he’s not the only weird one. The only different one. That’s an adventure for sure.

The thin boy does take another smooth step forward Erwin, who still hasn’t moved.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to. I can handle the talking.” He grins. “Just nod if you understand what I’m saying.”

The other hesitates, then his head moves. He’s nodding.

“I’m glad.” Then Erwin thinks for a moment, not sure of the answer. “Do you understand everything? Absolutely everything?” The boy widens his eyes confused, and Erwin realizes he has spoken too fast. So he repeats himself, slowly, articulating every word and speaking in a loud voice.

It takes a moment, he can feel the other one’s brain working harder. He shakes his head in a timid jerk, his body stiffening in insecurity.

He takes another step forward, and suddenly they are closer than Erwin thought.

“That’s okay. That’s better.” He smirks. Sometimes, he likes being the smartest one. Even though he’s not sure that’s the actual case, being able or not to speak a language doesn’t make the other child exactly stupid. He already demonstrated that to him. By being careful, observant.

The boy frowns at the light insult and blinks.

He forgets right away as he raises a trembling, but strong hand up to Erwin’s cheek.

The softest touch tickles against his cut skin and it feels like fire. A careful cold finger brushes the blood from the previous scratch and Erwin understands, almost disappointed, that the boy just wants to warn him about his bleeding wound. It almost feels as if he wanted to take care of it. Erwin unconsciously leans into the touch but the other withdraws. The blond's face flushes and a burning tingling rests over his pink cheek. The searing cold of the boy’s hand digs deep into his skin.

Erwin fears for a second of another attack, or some hostility at least. But nothing happens, except for the wavering child to take a small step back and gazing at him with lovely, biting eyes. Erwin is glad for those eyes. They seem, now, so different from the one of the creature in his dreams. That was a monster, whereas the one in front of him is something else.

“Who are you…” Erwin whispers to himself, wondering.

Silence stings the crisp autumn air surrounding them.

“Levi.”

Erwin’s blue eyes shoot up and meet his. He raises his golden eyebrows and gasps in silence. “What did you say?” He hopes he hasn’t imagined that. He truly does.

“Levi.”

“Who are you?” He repeats, still. He doesn’t believe this, he was about to give up.

“Levi.”

“Levi. Is that your name?” He grins wider than ever, startling the dark-haired boy a little.

“Y-yes.” It’s so soft, so low that it sounds more like a breath than an actual word.

“I’m Erwin!” He almost shouts in excitement. He feels so happy he doesn’t even remember he’s already said that, but then Levi’s face reminds him of that. He looks at Erwin with a serious yet scoffing face.

“Levi.” Erwin says again, this time letting the sound of his name rolling over his tongue, tasting it. It sounds right.

“Do you live here?” Levi opens his mouth, breathing in and then-

He’s about to reply when loud noises come from the woods. They both snap their heads aside. The leaves crunch and a strong voice comes from behind Erwin’s back. It’s not clear, just enough for Erwin to know that’s his father calling. The timing is horrible, he has just got Levi to talk.

Levi is upset. His face grimaces in distrust and panic. Something in his previously composed behavior breaks.

Erwin speaks quickly. “We will meet again. I’m sure of it.” It sounds like a serious question as he drowns in hope. He lets Levi stare at him while he thinks of a quick response. Levi frowns. His eyes are asking for assurance. Will they? Erwin doesn’t let him go away without an answer.

“I promise.”

His wild eyes lock over Erwin’s for a second and then he’s gone. Just like that. Erwin, like before, barely sees him running away like a scared untamed animal; he doesn’t even have the time to yell at him to stay. _You can trust me._

“Erwin!” His father shouts nearer now. Erwin sighs, he could run again, follow Levi into the depth of the woods, but he doesn’t. Instead, he puts his shoes back on and waits, annoyed, holding still with his arms by his sides and his eyes closed.

“Erwin.” He opens his eyes and finds his father right in front of him, panting, with pure fear and worry on his face. Erwin’s hard attitude drops right away as he realizes he’s never seen his dad reacting that way to anything before.

He feels guilty, but his thoughts keep staying with Levi. Where is he now, is he scared? Is he safe? And most importantly, will he ever see him again? Erwin decides that he will. He promised.

After an awkward and painful moment, he feels himself being crashed into his father’s chest and hugged so tightly it’s difficult to breathe. The older man is saying something Erwin doesn’t manage to hear right away, but he can sense the desperation in his voice.

“Dad-” He wants to say he’s sorry but his father stops him. He lets go of the hug and squats down to look at his son in the eyes. He places his arms over his shoulders, heavy and clinging as if he were afraid he would run away. Erwin won’t.

“I was so afraid I was going to lose you too, Erwin. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.” He repeats the last sentence more than a few times with eyes wide open, upset by the whole thing. He holds on to Erwin a little too tight though, and Erwin has to jerk away.

“Erwin, don’t-”

“I’m not going to run again.” He says, serious. He knows he never wanted to hurt his father like that. Despite that, sympathy doesn’t have the chance to accompany his voice. He sounds almost empty.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry Erwin, I am.” The apology comes with a shock to Erwin. He’s expecting him to be angry, to scold him, definitely not to tell him he’s sorry.

“I am sorry too, dad.” His voice still blank. He remembers the deer. He remembers how he’s felt just an hour ago. “But you killed it. You took that deer’s life. I wasn’t ready, I’m sorry.” His father looks up at him and surprise fills his eyes. Erwin radiates a kind of maturity he’s never seen or heard from him. Erwin is surprised too, maybe.

When will he see Levi again?

He should stop thinking about him for a second and focus on his father, on his actions. It’s hard. The other’s fair face occupies his mind and he feels like there’s no place for anything else. There can’t be.

“I know. I shouldn’t have taken you with me. I know.” His father stands up, replacing his hand over Erwin’s shoulder, carefully this time.

He puts himself back together and then there he is again, the man Erwin knows, the one he was expecting. Erwin knows what’s coming next: anger. His father never really had any place for compassion too. It’s been unusual enough for him to show that much, which Erwin appreciates though.

“You’re hurt.” His father indicates Erwin’s face and he quickly palms his cheek to hide the scratch Levi’s left him.

“I just fell over.” His father frowns, leaking out the last hint of concern.

His father starts walking ahead. “Come. Let’s go home.” Erwin follows.

When they arrive they don't talk.  Erwin goes to his room, scared to have a serious talk with his father by now. He knows a life lesson should come after this, but it seems like neither of them is up to it. 

He can’t lose him too. Well, he wasn’t going to, so what’s the problem? Doesn’t he trust Erwin to come back? Erwin sighs and flops over his bed, realizing he’s being childish. Deep down he knows why his father is reacting that way. He knows it and he’s sorry he hurt him.

But he met Levi.

Levi.

As sleep clouds his eyes, images of the boy fill his head. He’s not sure his mind will ever let go of him now that he’s finally found him. A pale, delicate, yet rough face invades his thoughts and his cheeks itch warmly at the memory of Levi’s finger brushing his blood away.

Everything about him fascinates him; from his bare light feet to his small quick body to, more than anything, is silver eyes. Erwin thinks of him as the coldest blazing spark in the entire universe.

He falls asleep, eventually. He dreams the same thing, again. Only this time the boy’s face is clear. It’s Levi. And his mother’s voice just fades away. No one talks, no one smiles. The last thing he remembers is the burning bright stars reflected in Levi’s eyes.

 

***

 

The morning after he wakes up earlier than his father. He leaves a note on his desk saying not to worry, he’s coming back. He hopes his father won’t be too mad.

He takes something to eat with him, just some bread with a slice of old cheese in it. When he gets out he starts walking slowly, almost too cautiously in fear of being caught. He knows this will have lots of consequences, he knows his father will notice right away he’s not at school, but he doesn’t care. He only wants to see Levi. He wants to know more.

As the thought of seeing him again pumps the blood in his veins louder, faster, he starts running towards the forest without even noticing. Until, after almost an hour of looking around, he arrives in the same spot again. He memorizes how to get there.

He’s hoping hard to find Levi there already. Disappointment hits him. Levi’s not there. Of course, he isn’t, why should he be? Erwin sighs and waits a while.

After several minutes he’s ready to go back, regretting his impulsive decision for a moment. He shouldn’t have come here. His father is going to be more than mad. He’s going to kill him, possibly. He turns his back.

“Erwin.” He freezes.

He doesn’t want to move, to see behind him, afraid for bitterness to crush him completely this time. Has he imagined it? Erwin isn’t sure he can trust his mind entirely. Not after everything that happened, after the dreams.

Eventually, he turns around. Levi is there, a couple of feet from him. He looks exactly how he’s left him. Younger, maybe.

“Levi.” Erwin smiles.

 


	3. Chapter 3

It’s only a matter of seconds before Levi disappears once again from his sight. After his name, Erwin doesn’t have the time to say anything else. The small boy runs to hide somewhere safe but near. Erwin can tell his heavy and distrustful breath apart from every other sound played by the loud forest.

“I’m sorry.” Erwin lets out a worried sigh. He doesn’t want him to go away already and he doesn’t understand the sudden shyness, hasn’t he just called him by his name? “I’m sorry.” Erwin repeats, meaning that. There’s no sign of Levi, though.

“Levi?” He thinks about what to say next to reassure him. “I won’t hurt you, Levi.” He doesn’t know why reminding him of that seems so important now, as if Levi could feel threatened by him, but Erwin is clever and has already guessed the other boy isn’t used to people. He’s probably not used to the outside world at all. The wood is his world.

“I’m here alone, trust me. Yesterday.. it was only my dad, nothing to be worried about. He wouldn’t have hurt you, even though I guess it’s better if he doesn’t know about you.” Erwin is talking more to himself than anything, his hopes about Levi showing himself are still up.

“I came back.” Erwin smiles almost fondly. “As I promised.”

He hears loud shuffling noises coming from the top of one of the trees surrounding him. His head goes up instinctively as his blue eyes become wider. Levi managed to climb up there without him even noticing. He gets a fast glimpse of what seems to be Levi’s body flying from branch to branch, until eventually he hears something bumping on the ground with a light, crunchy thud.

“I just wanted to see you again. Talk, maybe. I know you’re not really that good at it but I already told you that is not a problem. At all.” Erwin chuckles lightly. He only catches a loud  _ tch _ as an answer from the still invisible boy.

“You know, I never met someone like you. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever even heard about people living in the woods neither. I always thought that was just a legend people told to scare children off. No one ever trusts us enough to come here alone, but honestly? I think this place is probably safer than the city.”

As he speaks, Erwin remembers how the people from his community used to tell him and the other boys how unsafe the forest was. And it wasn’t only because of wild animals, or poisonous plants or human traps. Legend says there are actual people living there among the old, dark trees. They’ve been living there for hundreds of years like savage animals. Like ancient, broken deities.

They are dangerous, scary, ruthless. They don’t spare anyone if they encounter people on their way. Sometimes they come out of the wood to steal from the villages around taking everything away. Food, clothes, gold, children. They would take the youngest with them to raise them as ones of their own, to make yet another monster out of them. Legend says no one ever sees them, because even if that happens no one ever comes back to tell the story.

_ So how would you know about them?  _ That’s what Erwin had asked at the time, after some old lady had told him about it. He remembers her just scoffing him off, but the question never actually left his mind. Erwin always found the legend impossible but interesting. Besides curiosity had always been one of his best, and worst traits for something.

It is true that sometimes food disappeared from homes and that children would get lost. It is true that there are men who, angry for this, aim for something more than just animals when going hunting. Another reason to keep out of there.

Now that he thinks about it Erwin is not sure he doesn’t believe in legends and popular stories anymore, facing what might have been the proof of it. A weird feeling rushes through him. He should be scared, right?

He doesn’t feel anything but excitement. So he asks the most bizarre of questions, because when did he ever ask a normal one anyway?

“Are you a god?” Gods have silver eyes and pale, perfect skin. They fly, too. Don’t they? He read that somewhere.

Erwin doesn’t believe Levi is one of the taken children everyone talks about. The small boy is too smart and for what he knows he doesn’t move like a normal human at all. So he must be one of the original ones, appearing before his eyes excessively young but with an ancient soul. Erwin loves the idea of meeting a god. Or a monster? Because that’s how everybody calls them, the people of the forest.

He waits, not sure if that could have been the wisest thing to say. If he is a god, that could have sounded offensive. Because he hasn’t recognized it sooner. And if he isn’t… he doesn’t want to embarrass himself anymore than necessary.

Again, he thinks he should just go away. Waiting there forever isn’t going to do him any good.

“What-” Levi eventually talks. Erwin is not quite sure where the soft voice is coming from. It’s such a lovely sound. He looks around quickly, anxious until he sees him again. He’s so relieved he just now notices how he’s been holding his breath all this time.

Levi is still half-hidden behind a huge tree, only showing his head outside the shadow. He wants to say something, but Erwin is not sure Levi knows how to do that. Erwin wants to say something too. Instead he waits for him to formulate his answer, taking all the time he needs. Patience, Erwin realizes, is going to be the cleverest strategy.

“What.. God?” Erwin can’t see his expression, but his voice sounds sincerely confused. Nervous, too. There’s a pause between the words and Erwin isn’t sure  _ he _ understands what the word god even means. Gods know how to speak, though.  

He’s about to talk again when Levi, unexpectedly, comes out of the tree. He looks so small yet he makes Erwin speechless with his magnetic presence. He moves slowly towards the center of the glade. Towards Erwin.

He gets close and Erwin smells a soothing, stinging scent that almost overwhelms him. Levi smells like the wet ground right after the rain, like fresh air and sweet, red roses. He smells bright as life itself. Erwin unconsciously inhales filling his lungs of it all. He feels, somehow, like the luckiest person in the world.

Levi’s cat eyes shine in the current light and when Erwin sees him frown he wonders if he will ever able to actually talk to him. 

“God?” He asks Erwin again.

“I just thought that, maybe, you were one. You know how around here everyone talks abo- Oh. Were you asking me what a god is?” Erwin stops mid-sentence as he watches Levi’s confused expression become heavier on his face. He has no idea what he’s talking about.

“What is a god?” Erwin asks in Levi’s place. Levi nods energetically now that Erwin finally understood what he wants to know.

“Well, a god is-” What does Erwin actually know about gods?

“A god is someone who has power.” This should do. “They have power and people go crazy about them. I don’t know much, but people in town have ceremonies about one of them in particular and they never stop talking about him. They worship him and pray to him. My dad always prays to that one god whenever he’s sad or worried.” Erwin thinks about his mother’s death and how his father would never stop praying. Erwin hated it.

“I guess people believe this god created the world and human beings and everything else too. I think there is more than one god, though. There are good and evil ones and oh, they have special abilities too.. like you, you see? You fly. That’s why I asked.” Erwin talks so fast he has to catch his breath afterwards. He hopes Levi understands just fine.

Levi bends his head aside pressing his lips together. His long hair lean over his pale neck and cover part of his face.

“I don’t believe in  _ that _ god anyway, you know. If he’s so good as everyone says then why is all the bad stuff still happening?” He keeps talking lowering his eyes at his mom’s memory, which has the power to break his heart even after all this time. “Why did she have to die.” He whispers angrily to himself.

“If that was the case titans wouldn’t exist, too!” He exclaims suddenly startling Levi.

Levi steps backwards. Scared and alert with his arms half up and a defensive, leery expression all over his face.

“What is it?” Erwin asks worried Levi would run again, and mostly confused. What did he say?

“Titans.” It’s supposed to be a question but it comes out more like a statement, a test. Levi takes another step back, hissing at the word. Erwin’s eyes widen as if the whole world had just opened up below him showing him its secrets, a rush of adrenaline drowns him.

“Have you ever seen one?” He asks frantically. Levi’s eyes only narrow more.

“Have you? Are you scared of them?”

“I never saw one, sometimes I don’t even think they’re real.”

“Yes.” It’s concise, short, harsh but it’s an answer –he’s not sure to what– and Erwin shivers and waits. Levi hesitates and eventually calms down, but he doesn’t go near him again.

“Where?” Erwin wants to know more now. Not even his father has ever seen a titan, even though he talks about them more often than he should.

Levi doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. Erwin should have expected it and does his best not to look disappointed.

_ “When”  _ He wants to ask but then he changes his mind because how could he know, Levi is so young. That is, if he’s not a god but Erwin doesn’t care for a real answer. They both are.

“How old are you?”

After imperceptible indecision Levi moves up to him fast and, without giving him any time to react, he takes his wrists and holds Erwin’s hands up. Erwin jumps and stares at him surprised. He wishes for the touch surrounding his arms to stay as long as possible, even though he doesn’t understand why. Then Levi starts to pull his fingers, one by one. He does it with one hand and then with just three fingers of the other. Eight. He pulls eight fingers. Levi lets go of his arms and takes a small step back. They’re just as close as they were before titans were ever mentioned.

Erwin smiles and looks up at him, as the pleasant dizzy feeling caused by the contact leaves his body. “You’re eight.”

“Eight.” Levi echoes back memorizing the word. Then his eyes lock with Erwin’s and he nods confidently, face still inscrutable.

Then, Erwin has to bring up a subject he’s not even sure he wants to talk about. Yet, something in the back of his mind tells him he needs to make more sense out of everything, out of Levi. “Where are your parents?”

Levi’s expression darkens and Erwin sees his eyes turn from grey to intense black as he watches him stiffen.

“You don’t have any, do you?” No parents would ever want this for their child. Levi grunts.

“It’s fine. I lost my mother too, a long time ago.” He tries to compare the situation, not sure if that could actually help.

“Are you alone?” Levi slightly relaxes and shakes his head. It’s hard to notice but Erwin understands. He wonders what kind of people live here with him. If it’s family or friends or just other gods- no wait, children like him. People like him, monsters. Erwin doesn’t believe he’s a monster though. A monster would never look so graceful.

Erwin doesn’t know much about beauty but he was sure, from the moment he had set his eyes on Levi, that he had never seen someone more beautiful than him, and he was only a child. It feels like a privilege now, knowing he can be with him if only for a little while. It’s not the kind of beauty his dumb classmates find in every older girl, nor the one his father used to find in his mother. It’s shocking, cruel almost. It’s a kind of radiance so pure it has the alarming power to threaten Erwin’s innocent soul. It takes a lot of strength not to be distracted by it.

However, Erwin feels sad about Levi’s reply. A new, unwanted emotion comes up and he feels what he believes is jealousy. Jealousy, and slight anger because how is it possible for him to be the only child in the universe to be alone? He looks hurt, hopeless. He hopes Levi doesn’t notice.

“Rain.” Levi says making Erwin abruptly come back from his lonely world and forget what he was thinking about.

Erwin’s gaze snap as his head turns to the sky and a wet drop falls on his face. It’s starting to rain, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to be gentle. As the sky darkens with dark grey clouds Erwin can’t help but thinking he should get home, and fast. His father must already be worried, what if he comes back soaked and ill too? There isn’t any time to think about it; it takes less than a minute for the light rain to turn into a heavy outburst of water.

“I should really g-” Erwin starts apologizing to Levi, sadly accepting he has to leave him. The godlike boy interrupts his words though, not caring about what Erwin has to say at all. Levi is the one who looks worried, even if it’s for less than a second.

“Come.”

Erwin follows him without making Levi say it twice. They run away from the clear glade into the woods letting the rain fall over them as they slide among the moist trees and avoid dangerous paths. Levi seems to know exactly where he’s going and Erwin is more than content to just let him lead the way. He looks up and enjoys the feeling of the water over his warm skin as they start to slow their pace down.

“Here.” Levi calls him from a well-hidden spot, under two big trees that weave together in one, creating a safe cavity large enough for the both of them to sit down and take shelter. Erwin is distracted by the overpowering feeling of the thick forest around him. It doesn’t necessarily makes him feel bad, contrary to how he had felt in his dreams. In fact, he feels more at ease here than at the glade.

“Erwin.” The boy calls again. “Here.”

Erwin looks over Levi, observing him, as he’s already settling in the cavern-shaped hole, waiting for him. The sound of his name on Levi’s lips makes him incredibly happy.  _ Erwin _ . None of the children at school ever calls him by his first name.

Deciding he’s had enough of the rain he goes over Levi and sits down next to him, slowly. Erwin takes a moment to get comfortable. He moves his now darker, wet hair from his forehead running a hand through it and slipping it back. When he focuses on the boy again he notices how far he’s sitting from him, almost in the rain again. Like he’s trying a bit too hard to stay away.

“You can sit closer, you know. You’re going to get wet that way.” Erwin feels stupid, it’s not like they’re not both soaked already. Levi’s long hair is stuck to the side of his face too, but he does nothing to move it away. He just sits there, staring at Erwin without showing any kind of emotion over his delicate face. He shakes his head at the offer.

“Mh.” Erwin hums understanding why he might want to keep away. He doesn’t trust him that much, yet.

They stay silent for several minutes, watching the rain as it puddles the ground and makes the soil smell of that fragrance Levi is drowned in. Erwin closes his eyes and breathes, slowly letting himself relax. There’s no point in worrying now, he just needs to wait and let the storm pass. They catch themselves staring at each other every now and then. First Erwin who looks away immediately, embarrassed and then Levi who doesn’t even bother about getting caught. He just keeps staring for a couple of seconds more than necessary, before drifting his careful eyes elsewhere.

“Are you hungry?” Erwin remembers about thesandwich he had took with him before heading out. He thinks he could share, to break the silence too.  

“It’s probably wet by now, but it’s still something.” He takes the food out of his sweatshirt pocket and starts peeling the napkin off it. It’s squashed and does look kind of wet. Erwin mentally apologies throwing a mortified look at Levi as he hands it out to him, his hand slightly shaking for the cold.

“Here, you can have it.” Levi stays still as his eyes fix on the sandwich as if it were gold, some kind of lethal gold.

“It’s okay. It’s just bread with some cheese in it, it won’t kill you.” Erwin explains hoping to convince the other to take it. Levi’s thin eyebrows frown in unawareness.

He stands up and diffidently goes to sit closer to Erwin, near his stretched out hand. He smells the food in front of him then. “Different.” He complains looking up at the blond child.

“Oh.” Erwin observes the bread and guesses he’s never really had any. That is if he’s always lived in the woods. Same for the cheese. He chuckles and smiles at a confused Levi. “I guess it is different from what you normally have.” He takes a bite then.

“See? It’s not bad.” He chews the words out as he keeps on an amused face. Levi grimaces at the view of him talking with his mouth full and it makes Erwin giggle even more loudly. Who would have thought Levi cared for manners?

In the end the dark-haired boy dares and takes the sandwich out of Erwin’s hand, quick like a feline would snatch its prey. His teeth sink into the food. Erwin observes him closely as he tastes the new food. It seems like Levi’s actually finding it good. He finishes it in less than a minute and Erwin wonders how hungry he must have been.

Levi looks up at him without shame with eyes that beg, demand for more.

“I’m sorry. That was all I had.” Levi just shrugs then. He’s about to return to his distant spot but then his gaze meets Erwin’s hoping one and he stays. Erwin smiles, his heart beats louder.

After that they wait for the rain to stop silently, no tension in the air between them, only calm. Together they stand up as soon as they are sure the storm’s finished. Levi takes him back to their usual spot without saying a word, without having to tell Erwin to follow him neither.

Once there Erwin finds himself out of words, not sure of what he should say. It feels like they’re strangers who’ve known each other for too long. It’s odd.

“Thank you.” Levi is shy when it comes to talking. Erwin understands that with every word he tries to say, always as clear as possible. He always says one word at the time, sometimes two. Erwin wonders how much he can say, how much he knows.

He stares at the younger boy noticing how uncomfortable the gratitude is making him, as he licks his lips and then presses them tight together, frowning at the ground. His skin flushes and Erwin can’t believe he’s actually blushing. Besides, it’s not so hard for his cheeks to paint themselves of a subtle pink when his skin is usually pale as marble.

“Wait.” Levi continues.

“What is it?” Erwin asks but once again Levi beats him to the draw. His surprised eyes lose him among the trees in front of him as he flashes away from him. Erwin freezes and parts his mouth not believing it has happened again, Levi’s speed terrifies him. Levi turns into a ghost every time he does that, something Erwin will never reach. And maybe he’s fine with it, for now.

When Levi comes back he has Erwin’s sweater held in his hands, from the day before. Erwin gasps and his mouth tilts up into a wide smile. Levi takes a few steps forward and then hands the clothes over. Erwin would have missed that sweater, he admits to himself.

“You.” Levi says timidly as he keeps his arm up while waiting for Erwin to make a move. “Take.”

“Thanks.” Erwin eventually takes the sweater and lets Levi rest his arm down. When he looks down he expects to find a dirty, creased pullover but surprisingly enough its conditions are perfect and Erwin is not sure how that’s possible. It was full of blood, dirt. And now it’s exactly as it was the first time he ever worn it. When he tentatively brings it up to his nose to gently smell it his eyes close and Levi’s scent invades him again.

He recovers from his strange reaction quickly and when he opens his eyes he notices the boy studying him.

“I’m sorry. It just smells nice.” He shrugs and justifies himself but then Levi snorts and he knows everything is fine.

He should go home, the rain lasted long enough and it’s late by now. He has to go home.

“Hey, I’m really sorry but I think I need to go now.” He scratches the back of his neck embarrassed and almost sad. He gives Levi an apologetic smile and then stands there aware of what he just said he should do, but not being able to bring himself to move at all. There is something magnetic in the air keeping him there, near Levi. The closer the better.

Levi tilts his head and frowns, the expression so common now Erwin doesn’t even has to think about it twice. He’s probably just confused.

“Would like me to come see you again?” He asks, dares. He’s not sure Levi will understand what he means, but asking for permission feels right.

“You. And me. We meet again. Yes?” He tries to simplify it.

“You.” Levi whispers. “And me.” He nods one confident time. “Soon.” He adds, and Erwin’s heart beats a little faster, a little louder. Is Levi actually keen on seeing him again?

“Of course, soon.” Erwin grins thrilled.

At that half good-bye he turns around and starts to walk away, forcing himself not to look back. He knows he would stay there with Levi forever if no one stops him.

“Erwin.” Levi calls for him one last time and it’s startling how fast Erwin is to turn around and face him.

“Before-” Erwin notices how Levi is desperately trying to find the words he needs to finish his uncertain sentence. “I am… not… alone.”

Erwin scowls confused, angry at the memory of the previous painful half-conversation they had about the matter. He lets Levi go on, though. Patience.

“You look-” Levi’s eyes search up to the sky for an answer as he looks for the right term to come to him. “..not happy.”

“What?” Erwin  _ almost _ snaps at him. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He never wants to talk about how lonely he feels all the time. Good for Levi if even  _ he  _ has friends.

“Don’t be.” Erwin watches him agape. His eyebrows raise in huge surprise, he calms down.

“You and me.” Levi assures  him. “Soon.” His eyes fill Erwin’s soul with hope.

Erwin nods enthusiastically and finally leaves him after the happiest smile. He guesses he’s not so alone in the end.

It’s the best feeling in the world.

 

***

 

Of course, when he gets home all Erwin finds is an angrier than ever father and a two weeks-long grounding, which implies his dad watching his every move. Erwin hates it, but he knows it was to be expected. When he faces his father he tells him how deeply sorry he is.  How he doesn’t want to make him worry. He listens to the old man yelling at him about how wrong and cruel that was from him. They talk and apology and scream, still Erwin never tells his father the truth. He doesn’t tell him where he was or who he was with. He just tells him he needed to stay alone, for that day, and to get away for a while. His father’s look of disappointment and apprehension crashes him but he also knows telling the truth would mean never seeing Levi again.

After the two weeks his father gets too busy with work and social adult stuff Erwin doesn’t really understand yet and honestly doesn’t care about. After those two weeks Erwin is free to spend his afternoons alone and undisturbed. After making sure his father has finally stopped watching him all the time, he decides it’s time to go back to the forest. To Levi.

That day he runs faster than ever. He never stops to rest, to take his breath back. He needs to hurry and return to their glade.

When he arrives sweat is covering him and as he stops he realizes how out of shape he actually is, so much for a ten year old boy. He holds still for several minutes, panting and trying to bring his heart to a normal beating again. He dries himself with the sleeve of his sweater and straightens up as he finally lets the rush from the run leave his body.

It’s been a while. Levi is not there. Erwin wasn’t expecting him to be, it’s not like he can sit there and wait for him all day, every day. And so he waits. This time he hasn’t brought anything with him, too busy and excited with the thought of just getting there. After a while he sits down, back against one of the trees near him, and closes his eyes as he loses himself in the pleasant sounds of nature. He almost falls asleep.

He sits down for what it seems too long and calm turns into impatience and impatience turns into anxiety. It’s been hours and Levi hasn’t showed up yet.

Eventually, Erwin gives up. He can’t stay away from home for too long, he knows his father will notice he’s gone.

Erwin doesn’t know if he’s angry. Why should he be? Levi is not there only for him, and he knows it. He’s always known it and the idea of the little boy waiting for him is just delusional. If he was slightly aware of that before, now he has no doubts. He can’t always expect to find him there. Fine.

However he can’t help it. Erwin is upset, sad. Disappointed?

He goes home without running, turning back every now and then and jumping at every suspicious sound hoping to find Levi there. Nothing, no one. Maybe something happened to him though, that’s possible too. Wonderful, so now he’s worried too.

He’s concerned. He’s hurt.

When he gets home he doesn’t talk to his father, doesn’t eat his dinner and doesn’t talk to Carl, the only one that could actually understands. Erwin thinks he should stop lying to himself and snap back into reality. Carl doesn’t understand him, Levi is not his friend. 

_Don't. You and me. Soon._

Erwin remembers his words hoping to feel better, but they only make him share a tear that he violently dries off before crashing on his bed. Tired of always raising his hopes up and being hurt afterwards he falls into a black sleep. He dreams the usual nightmare, again, after a week of peaceful dreaming. This time Levi is not there where he should be. His mother’s voice turns into a terrifying laughter and the trees suffocate him as they were always supposed to.

He wakes up abruptly, even sweatier than after the previous afternoon run, with his breath going crazy as he just can’t calm down.

Tomorrow, he will look for Levi again. He can’t just let him disappear.

 

***

 

“Please, say something.” Erwin is begging him. “Anything. Just nod, or shake your head. Do something. Please.”

The day after Erwin does manage to find Levi again, catching him hanging around the glade looking as if he was waiting for something. Not for Erwin, though.

When he sees him, after another long run, he almost shouts his name to stop him from fleeing.

“Ehy.” He talks to him with exhausted determination. “Don’t go.” He’s bending forward to lean over his knees, waiting for his body to regain some air, hoping for Levi to stay.

He does. But he doesn’t do anything else besides turning around and staring at Erwin with blank, impassive eyes.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” He shoots him an apologetic, awkward smirk but Levi doesn’t even flinch. Things are more serious than Erwin thought. It’s not his fault, though.

“Soon, yes I know I know.” He goes on nodding aware of their last words.

“I came here yesterday. I waited a long time for you, I hoped you would come.” He remembers feeling hurt the day before.

“But you weren’t here. So I just went home.”

“You know my father got really mad last time. I just couldn’t come.” Levi’s eyes make him shiver as he barely blinks at all. It’s true, they look empty but Erwin sees a fuming fire beyond that.

“I’m sorry.” Maybe Levi’s hurt too. The thought hadn’t even touched him the night before.

“But I’m here now, right?” Nothing. “That’s all the counts.”

“Levi-” The other boy motionless act is starting to exasperate him. Maybe even scare him.

That’s when Erwin starts begging for him to give him a sign he’s actually there listening, aware of his presence. It feels like he’s invisible. It’s not supposed to feel that way, not there and not with him. Erwin was always invisible and Levi was finally going to be his way out from the shadows.

After that Levi just turns around and dissolves in front of his eyes flying up into the trees and getting away. Erwin sighs deeply.

It was him who had upset Levi, Erwin realizes.  

 

***

 

Erwin goes back to the forest almost every day after their last discouraging meeting, sometimes Levi is there sometimes he’s not. But even when he is, it’s not like it makes any difference.  

Erwin tries to talk to him, to make any kind of conversation while Levi just stares blankly at him with his godlike face and then quickly walks away. Erwin gasps every time he sees him flying into the thick forest, still so mesmerizing to watch. Erwin gets angry, sometimes. Mostly he just tells himself he needs to understand, he knows Levi is different as he knows he needs to regain his trust. Which he isn’t even sure he ever had in the first place. Was it trust or was it curiosity the first times Levi let him near? It’s frustrating not to know.

But Levi always stays with him for such little time, he never speaks. It’s horrible and even if Erwin knows giving up is not an option -it never is with him- he does feel hurt, sad about it. He goes to visit him every afternoon after lunch and homework. He tells his father he’s just going to play nearby and the older man unexpectedly lets him. Erwin doesn’t notice it yet, but his father has been ten times busier and more stressed than ever over the last couple of weeks. However there are obviously other, more important things going on in the child’s mind. Besides they’re both happy that way, Erwin out in the nature with his new friend -was he?- and his dad at home alone surrounded by peace to work better.

Levi decides that five minutes of his presence are the most and best he can grant Erwin. Five minutes of everything and nothing at all, though. Erwin daydreams about those five minutes over and over again whenever he’s not with the dark-haired boy.

Once in the forest Erwin has to wait for those five minutes, because Levi makes him wait. But he’s fine with that, it’s already more than he could hope.

Erwin spends his nights dreaming about Levi. Specifically, he dreams about Levi and himself. Sometimes, Carl is there too. His father never is. They go on adventures in his dreams, and Levi talks for hours with a charming, confident voice Erwin finds lovely. It truly is a dream. 

In his precious wonderland Levi carries him on his shoulders as if he didn’t weigh a thing and explains to him what flying means, feels and sometimes it’s so vivid Erwin falls out of the bed in a brave and unconscious jump. He laughs when he wakes up. Sometimes Levi upsets him in his dreams, sometimes Levi is mean to him there as every other child he ever met. In the middle of those nights Erwin wakes up crying. Every night though he always ends up holding his favourite sweater, the one Levi had given back after the first day they had met. The one that smells like him. Erwin never lets go of it during his sleep.  

One day Levi stays ten, not five minutes. Erwin is over the moon.

Five more days pass after that, and Levi doesn’t show up. Erwin amazing dreams turn into terrifying nightmares and he stops talking to everyone, even his father. He stops studying, stops eating almost. He doesn’t stop going to the forest, though. He might understand now what those two weeks must have felt for Levi, but then again Erwin presumes Levi probably doesn’t care that much. Not the way he does, at least.

 

***

Levi comes back on the sixth day.

“Levi.”

“Where have you been?”

Of course, Levi doesn’t talk.

However Erwin is so relieved he feels like he could cry at the view of the other boy. Levi doesn’t explain anything, but he does stay more. He lets Erwin telling him about his week and about all the useless facts he’s learned by reading some of his father’s books. Erwin wants to tell him he’s missed him but refrains to do so.

Levi nods sometimes which makes Erwin happy. It’s something that actually proves he’s there, listening. Or at least pretending too. Erwin doesn’t ask him where had he been again, he forgets he was ever gone in the first place. When Erwin gets home he hugs his father and tells him he loves him. He barely does that, and when it happens it’s never that direct. He also hears his father crying later that night. Erwin is sorry, and confused.

Eventually Erwin understands that Levi only needs space. He doesn’t get so mad anymore, when Levi disappears or doesn’t talk. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect him though. However, Levi is learning how to trust him one day at a time, and that’s the only thing that matters now. Trust. And patience.

 

***

 

“Oh. You’re already here. Great!” Erwin arrives earlier one day. To his surprise he finds Levi already there, leaning casually against a tree with his usual blank, but invisibly pleased, expression.

Was he actually waiting for him this time? Erwin grins at the ground as he looks down slightly embarrassed.

Levi tilts his light head while furrowing his thin brows together. Erwin notices his attention isn’t pointed directly towards him though. He’s looking down at Erwin’s hands and that’s when the blond child remembers what he’s been holding in them since he had left home that afternoon. It’s heavy and it’s a book, an old dusty one he had found in his father’s bookcase. Levi looks confused and Erwin swears he sees alarm in his eyes. He giggles.

“Are you worried about this?” He brings the book up and Levi struggles to stay still and not to step back behind the tall tree. He narrows his eyes and waits impatiently for Erwin to explain.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s just a book. It can’t harm you.” Erwin opens it and lets the sallow pages rustle before closing it. Observing Levi’s reaction he raises one of his eyebrows and smirks. “Well, actually, it could harm you but only if you use it in the wrong way.” He playfully mimics a beating gesture with it to make it more clear.

“I won’t do that though, trust me.” It feels like he keeps saying those two words over and over, always reassuring Levi of his good intentions. It never feels wrong to remind him. And the other boy doesn’t seem to mind it either.  

Erwin explains to him what books are for, what reading means and the other seems to get it, mostly. He certainly doesn’t get why someone would spend their time doing that, though. Erwin tells him it’s because reading teaches him thousands of things, it makes him clever, quick and especially it makes him escape from the everyday life.  

After that, he happily talks for several minutes about his day but doesn’t go on much about it, unlike the other times. Levi’s still nervous about the object he has with him.

Eventually Erwin picks a tree and sits quietly by one. He looks up at Levi. He's standing three trees away from him and, after giving him a small smile, Erwin dives in into his new book. His golden hair reflects the soft light of the winter’s sun as he bends his head down to read.

It’s an old book about animals and plants, places Erwin never heard of and something else. He knows his father’s books are not to show around, even though he never understood exactly why. Apparently other people couldn’t know what they said, what there was to know about the world both inside and outside the walls. Erwin never complains about it since he doesn’t care about that. He cares about learning and knowing more.

The first ten minutes are quiet, calm and none of them moves. But then Levi starts pacing around, glancing at him every now and then with sharp looks. Erwin stares too, from time to time.

After a while Levi’s behaviour gets ridiculous, as he walks faster around the glade, almost jumping from tree to tree. He crosses his arms, uncrosses them, he shakes his head and he runs his hand insistently through his black hair over and over. At one point, he starts hissing, growling almost. And this time his eyes are locked on Erwin as he keeps moving around nervously. The older boy meets his gaze, as a teacher would with his most erratic student.

“Levi.” Levi’s body stops, along with his restless breathing. Erwin closes the book.

“What is it?”

“Are you scared?” Erwin waves the book asking away. He is evidently wrong about that though, because Levi just scoffs at him and shrugs annoyed in response, rolling his eyes.

Erwin startles when Levi, again so quickly he doesn’t manage to notice him stepping forward, snaps the book out of his hands to open it again and place it right into Erwin’s lap. Levi crouches on the ground in front of him with his head up and a frowning face that’s begging for understanding. Erwin’s mouth opens but no sound comes out of it, he doesn’t understand what the problem is.

Levi rolls his eyes again and sighs deeply, wrinkling his nose. Erwin finds it strangely adorable. The agile boy stumbles back on the ground ending up sitting opposite a confused, amused Erwin.

After a minute of awkward silence Levi leans forward in a jerk. He starts tapping the book energetically with his index finger, looking down and up to Erwin and making weird, exasperated sounds with his mouth half closed.

“Do you want me to read it?” Levi lets go of the book with a huge sigh of relief and nods a couple of time while sitting down in his spot again. He leans back on the ground with his arms and throws his head behind heavily just like Erwin’s dad usually does after a long day of work.

“But I was reading it.” Erwin explains, tentatively. Levi’s head comes back up slowly and his hard look makes Erwin understand, more out of alarm than anything else. Patience, that might work for him but not so much for Levi.

“You want me to read it out loud.” It should sound like a question.

Levi nods once again, his eyes kinder now.

“Well you could have said so.” Levi puffs.

“Or not.” Erwin chuckles looking down and away. “I suppose I can do that.”

Erwin takes the book in his hands and starts reading it out loud, concentrating and speaking clearly so that Levi can at least differentiate each word just fine. Erwin is getting into it when he notices that Levi is not in front of him anymore. He lifts his head up and catches him seated down several meters away from him. Definitely farther away than before. Erwin tilts his head staring at Levi looking for answers.

“Why did you sit so far away?” Levi keeps still.

“Not that I have a problem with that, but you can sit closer if you want. You’d hear better.” Erwin adds to find a quick excuse for his voice sounding a bit too desperate about Levi being so far from him.

Levi just nods and gestures him to go on, and then looks away at some bird singing repetitive chirpy sounds.

“As long as you’re fine with it.” Erwin smiles.  _ As long as you stay,  _ he means to say.

“You don’t like it when I shut up, do you?” Erwin says. Levi looks down to avoid his glowing smile. That’s the second time Erwin gets to see him blushing.

Finally he ends up reading for almost two hours, completely forgetting about the forest around him or the cold, which has positively frozen his hands by now. But he doesn’t care, he’s loving the book and Levi’s company enough. Levi, who is listening to him, humming every now and then and moving around in his spot. Erwin wonders why he stays so long, why he’s so interested in listening to him reading even though he’s surely not going to complain. Two hours of silence from him are better than five minutes any day.

“I think this is enough for one day. It’s too dark to read anyway.” It’s been a while since he last heard a sound coming from Levi. When Erwin closes his book and gets up he loses sight of him for a second, in the darkness of the afternoon.

He looks around, worried he has missed him leaving but then his eyes finds him. Levi is curled up on the ground surrounded by the last orange leaves of autumn. He’s sleeping. Erwin blinks once, twice to make sure he’s actually seeing what it feels like such a beautiful privilege happening. Levi’s sleeping looks less wild, more like a normal child who’s enjoying life while dreaming about wonderful things. If normal actually existed in their world, anyway.

“I’m sorry I need to go-” Erwin steps forward Levi and squats down, still far enough for his stretched out arm not to be able to touch him. Levi needs space and Erwin knows that. The boy’s light snoring makes his smile grow fonder, he is human after all. Gods  _ definitely  _ don’t snore. “Bye, Levi.”

Erwin stands up but right before turning away to head home he hears Levi muttering something that sounds like a ' _ don’t stop' _ . But Erwin is not sure, and he has to go home anyway.

An idea comes to him and just before leaving he takes his jacket off and then his sweater, which he leaves by Levi’s side. He puts his coat back on again and leaves with his heart pounding in his ears. For the first time in so long he feels happy.   

The days go by and the routine repeats itself. Erwin brings a new book every so often and reads it out loud, commenting here and there, while Levi listens like a good schoolboy. The days go by and Levi curls up near him closer and closer every time, always half falling asleep.

Levi gives the sweater back, which smells like him again, and in exchange Erwin brings him an old blanket for the cold.  They decide to place it over at the glade to use it whenever they want to. Levi likes the blanket and Erwin sees how at a certain point during their reading sessions he always curls up in it a bit tighter than usual.

However, Levi still doesn’t say a word. Erwin doesn’t care. His presence is enough.  

Erwin doesn’t think life has ever been this good to him.

 

                                                 ***                                                    

 

It’s freezing. Erwin feels the cold creeping right into his bones no matter how fast he’s running to get to the usual spot. He should feel at least a bit warm. The air is so shockingly freezing he almost forgets where he’s going, who he’s supposed to meet and why is he out there. It’s cold, and Erwin never hated winter until this moment. He wonders if he used to feel it even every other year but the memory just doesn’t come and he pants frustrated. His father even told him not to go out, a bit more suspicious than usual, but Erwin pretended to be brave and went out anyway. He should have listened, for once. He can’t feel his hands, and thank god he’s brought a nice wool hat to cover his head.

But then he sees him and everything becomes clear. He knows why he’s doing this rather than just being home with a hot cup of tea. It’s so clear his eyes finally manage to find their bright focus again against the stinging, moist air. They drop on Levi, who’s leaning against a tree with their blanket already wrapped up tight around his tiny body.

Erwin’s content stare drops to the boy’s feet. He’s shoeless.

“Ehy there.” He smiles away while getting closer to Levi. “Aren’t your feet cold? It’s freezing! And I know this time you can feel it too.” He chuckles the end of his sentence while remembering all the times he kind-heartedly made fun of him for never being cold at all. Erwin never truly understood how that was possible, but today is an exception for him too. A weakness, finally.  

The boy just grunts and pouts visibly, which is altogether new.

As the weeks pass Erwin notices how Levi is more and more expressive. He knows it’s good news because that’s his way to communicate, since he’s not exactly the talkative kind of person. Erwin still doesn’t complain about that part.

“Do you remember what I did the first time I saw you? I took my shoes off.” Erwin reminds the boy, who widens his eyes out surprised as if he wasn’t expecting him to remember that.

He smirks at the memory. It’s been a while since then but it feels like he’s known Levi for years, as if he was always part of his life. He tries to imagine a life without afternoons in the woods, without Levi keeping him company, but it’s impossible to picture it. Before him, Erwin realises, it was all just pretending and emptiness.

“Oh, but trust me I’m not doing that now. I’m not stupid.” He reassures Levi, almost laughing, but then he stops to think about it and his head bends down to fix on the other’s feet. 

“Unless you are actually freezing…” It’s a bit hesitant but such a completely honest offer Erwin is surprised by it himself.

He automatically starts to crouch down to take his warm shoes off when a loud cough stops him and bring his attention to Levi’s face. He’s blushing. Something that he does more times than he probably likes to admit, since Erwin can see the annoyance in his eyes every time his cheeks turn into bright pink. He’s red all over his face. Serious eyes look down as he shakes his head to let the blond boy know there’s no need for what he’s doing.

Erwin’s smile grows wider and fonder and his heart a little bit bigger. Levi actually covers himself with the blanket to hide both his embarrassment and gratitude, which he has an evident problem with. 

“Okay, well-” He quickly takes his hat off, the wind ruffling his hair in a sudden blow, and in a jerk basically forces it down on Levi’s head which was still half hidden by the blanket. “then you can take this!” 

He doesn’t manage to place it perfectly on Levi’s head. He's had to be fast, otherwise Levi never would have let him. His dark hair is messy under it and there’s a small ear left out. Levi stays still, surprised and almost shocked by Erwin’s gesture. He gapes at him with big widened eyes like the one of a little girl finding her favourite toy under the Christmas tree.

Erwin feels like he has just imagined it, but Levi’s mouth slightly tilts up in an invisible smile. Erwin has never, ever seen him smile and even though he might be completely wrong it makes him happier than ever. Levi smiled. Kind of. Erwin doesn’t feel cold anymore.

Levi adjusts the hat over his head and goes back to clinging to the blanket. He blinks at Erwin a couple of times, apparently waiting for something.

Oh- Erwin forgot the book. He takes a step back from Levi with an apologizing look written down on his face, not sad though.

“I guess there is no book today.”

“I’m sorry I forgot but I was looking for another thing. It was for you, you know? Don’t give me that look.”

“It was freezing outside and I didn’t even remember about it half way here. Sorry, I’m sorry Levi.” Saying his name always makes him feel a bit dizzy for a second, as if it was a forbidden magical word.

Levi’s sulk is there again, more annoyed than the last as Erwin tells him that there won’t be any reading that day. Erwin likes to read to Levi out loud, he loves how he just seems to focus on his voice for hours. It makes him feel important, almost. And especially he adores how Levi curls up next to him as a baby fox would.

Sometimes, Levi reminds him of a fox. Beautiful, agile, cunning in his own way and with eyes that either mean to kill you or trust you with nothing in between. There are no greys with Levi, his world is black and white as the one of an animal should be. Luckily, Levi uses his good eyes most of the time while with him, the ones that trust him.

“Read.” It’s so low, Erwin almost misses it. A single, nervous sound exits Levi’s thin lips and even though it should be meant as an order it sounds more like an honest  _ please.  _ Erwin supposes Levi doesn’t even know the word please, never heard it in his entire life. Until Erwin. He knows he had said it way too much back when Levi would only stay for those hellish five minutes.

It’s also the first time Levi has spoken out loud, after weeks of silence. Erwin grins instantly, after the realization.

“You spoke!” He almost squeals, surprising Levi and making him roll his eyes. Erwin might be a bit too excited for just a simple word.  

“It’s been so long I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice, Levi.” It’s more a reminder to himself; he says Levi's name again as if to make sure it’s really him he’s talking to.

Levi frees himself from the old blanket just enough to point at Erwin’s hands and lap, where he usually keeps his books when he brings them with him. He’s asking for his story time, with puppy eyes, raised eyebrows and long dark eyelashes. Erwin coughs, clears his throat and recomposes himself after the sudden excitement.

“I can’t read to you today, I don’t have any book. See?” He raises his empty hands up. “But, as I said before, I do have something for you.” He digs into his coat pocket and an old, used wristwatch comes out of it.

He swings it in front of Levi’s face for a bit as he observes the other boy frowning at the unusual object’s view. Erwin notices how it doesn’t make him any more happier. He’s also well aware of being stared at by piercing silver eyes, that almost make him forget what he was doing in the first place.

Sometimes, Levi would look at him and he’d lose himself into a sweet tumult of new burning feelings he never knew he could experience. They spin in his mind, and body. And this is one of those times, even though Levi’s gaze intentions are completely innocent.

Erwin clears his throat once again climbing up back to reality. “It’s a watch.” He explains calmly to Levi hoping he would stop staring so much. He doesn’t.

“You can tell the hour with it.”  _ Wow, so helpful,  _ Erwin thinks as he’s sure that didn’t help at all. “You know what an hour is, right? It’s made of sixty minutes. And a minute is made of sixty seconds. A whole day is twenty-four hours and that’s it.” Levi just frowns more.

“Okay, let me explain better. This is a second.” He places himself next to Levi, closing the distance between them. He shows him the hand of the clock ticking a second away. Tick. It resonates loud in the temporary silence, along with Erwin and Levi’s focused breath.

“A second, all right?” Levi nods.

“Sixty of those make one minute, that thin stick needs to make a complete turn. Okay, so now we wait.”

Erwin looks up to Levi, who’s focusing on the watch with narrowed eyes, wrinkled nose. He always does that when he concentrates on something, Erwin acknowledges interested. Erwin browses Levi’s face now that he has the opportunity, now that he’s the one who’s supposed to stare a bit longer, a bit too much. Erwin’s mouth tilts up satisfied, unconsciously, as he looks at the other boy.  Something in his stomach knots and turns. Wintry air and Levi's lovely smell fill his chest, as he inhales deeply to steady himself. 

Levi’s black hair falling over his face marks his porcelain skin and Erwin is so close now he can see every inch of it, every pore, every little imperfection. It’s a surprise to find those, but he notices how his eyebrows are slightly asymmetrical, his nose somewhat moved over to the left. He catches his cold eyes. He drowns in their entrancing colour without realizing that looking at them means directly staring at Levi too. Erwin, for once, doesn’t look away immediately and keeps gazing at the beautiful boy. It reminds him of how their parents used to look at each other. 

Levi raises his eyebrows, his eyes up, not wanting to lose to Erwin and look away first. Erwin is about to say something but a frozen drop falls over his warm, flushed face and stops him from doing so. Then another comes, and another, and another. Erwin looks up, and Levi’s gaze follows his as they’re both now looking up at the white, cloudy sky.

“It’s snowing.” Erwin gasps.

“Snowing.” Levi echoes him. He brings a hand up catching some of the falling snowflakes.  

Erwin snaps his head down facing him again, grinning. He spoke again. It’s going to be awkward if every time Levi speaks Erwin feels like being born again.

The ticking of the clock goes on as Erwin watches the snow falls over Levi not so surprised face. He must know what snow is, living in the woods and everything.

“Snow.” Levi speaks, shrugging, and then his eyes flick to the watch Erwin’s holding and scowls as if waiting for something. Their minute. Erwin understands and looks at the watch too.

“Oh, I think our minute has passed. Look it’s been one and fifteen- sixteen seconds. It goes on and on. But you understand now, right?” He asks Levi. Levi nods once, still waiting for Erwin to do something else.

“Ah, right.” He remembers why he’s brought the watch now, the object Levi has been so confused about since he was expecting something else entirely. “This is for you.” He extends the old thing over Levi’s hand, which doesn’t move a bit.

“I thought since we almost always have to wait for each other we could use it to fix a specific hour, you know? I have one already so you can have this and, let’s say every day at three o’clock I’ll be here. Well we’ll both be here, is it all right?” Erwin finishes explaining to Levi what three o’clock means, showing him where the hands of the clock are supposed to be when that happens and how he’s supposed to know that’s about to happen. Levi seems to understand without any difficulty, good. Erwin knows he’s smart.

“So, here, let me put it on your wrist.” Erwin waits for Levi to offer him his arm. Nothing happens, but it doesn’t surprise him. Instead he shows Levi where his own watch is, lifting his coat’s sleeve up and revealing his wrist. Levi slowly slides his pale arm outside the blanket and raises it up enough for Erwin to have full access. He lets him put on the watch.

Erwin’s stare lingers over Levi’s free skin, blue eyes widening as they see deep, red but still small scars stand out all over his forearm.

“Levi.” It’s a whisper full of questions, maybe a pinch of pity too. Levi shakes his head strongly as to stop him already from asking any kind of question about it.

Erwin looks down at the wrist again and closes the ticking object around it. His freezing fingers brush against the warmth of Levi’s arm, an inch too near one of the freshest scars. His stomach tightens as he holds his breath, his heart pumping faster, louder for a single infinite second. Levi startles on the spot as if Erwin’s almost invisible touch were too much for his sensitive skin; still he doesn’t move away. 

“Erwin.” His voice comes out so soft, scared, Erwin moves away in a jerk. He wants to ask, he really does but instead he just leaves it alone, maybe for another time because he knows it's too early.

“Sorry.” He excuses himself quickly and moves a few steps away, returning his attention to the soft and cold snow. He sees Levi shrugging and sheltering again in the blanket out of the corner of his eyes.

There’s an awkward, unusual silence between them and suddenly Erwin doesn’t know what to do, his head somewhere else entirely. Somewhere he doesn’t know, since all he can think about right now is Levi’s scars and the story behind them. It must be an awful one.

“Read.” Levi says, confident this time. Erwin turns around and looks at his serious face, demanding and not ready to accept any rejection. Erwin raises his eyebrows, happy that Levi’s distracted him from his thoughts. He smiles an apologetic smile.

“I don’t have the book today, Levi. I already told you.”

“Read.” Levi is unusually insistent as he sits down pouting and waiting. Erwin realizes he might have spoiled him, a story everyday without exceptions. A story everyday that Levi enjoyed far too much and wanted now too. He’s asking for that alone, more than Erwin actually reading. It’s an obvious request shining in his grey eyes.

“But-”

“Read.”

Erwin stays silent, surprised by the persistence. “Fine, then. I’ll tell you a story? Okay?” Levi’s eyes widen with amused curiosity.

“We can make one up, too.” Erwin says louder, excited by the ideas. 

“You always have something to say- well do rather than say- every time I read you one of my books anyway. There’s always something you don’t like so this time you can replace the bad bits with whatever you want!” Enthusiasm continues in his words while he hopes Levi will accept his suggestion. Hoping he can get him to talk a bit this time. Just to listen to his soothing voice again and again. Erwin likes Levi’s voice, he thinks.

The moment he looks down he meets a very enthusiast and nodding Levi. “Read.” Erwin smiles, because he knows what he means this time. And so it begins.

Erwin starts with an usual once upon a time, deciding it’s best to use imagination right now. He decides to finally let his fantasy fly, instead of keeping it hidden as he always does with everyone else.

And so he picks a hero, childishly based on himself though older, braver, more handsome and smartest than anyone else. Levi notices it after a couple of details more, and mocks him rolling his eyes with an entertained face. Erwin pretends to be offended by it but goes on, letting the hard falling snow and the darkening light of the day improve the atmosphere necessary for his tale.

He tells Levi of all the dangerous challenges his hero went through during his remarkable past. He calls him Alexander in honor of a great man he once read about in his father’s prohibited books . It's all about amazing adventures -coming from every hour spent daydreaming in his bedroom with Carl as his noble companion- and terrible, but needed decisions required to save the world and his friends from some evil, terrible force.

Levi seems interested enough to nod away and encourage Erwin to go on. The blond boy does without being asked twice. As he’s absorbed by his incredible story Levi stops him without warning, standing up with his fists tightened along the sides of his body. He lets the blanket fall down at his feet, revealing the same light clothes he was wearing the first time they had met. 

He seems to not care at all though, contrary to Erwin’s worried gasp caused by the sight of what will be a freezing body very soon. Actually, he’s still worried about his shoeless feet.

“You are- there. Where is... me?” Erwin’s gasp turns into a pleased smirk. Levi hasn’t talked in all that time, that was true, but he’s able to notice how slightly better the dark-haired boy is already. The reading helped him, Erwin realises happily and so he answers him, showing pride all over his face.

“Hey, I already told you Alexander is not me.” Erwin says grumpily, even though the previous smile doesn’t leave his face. He’s just joking around with him, enjoying the lively laughter that leaves his mouth right after seeing Levi’s sulky, vexed expression.

“All right, all right. You got me there, but of course you can be there too! You should, I mean, we’re making this up to have fun aren’t we?” He grins away the happiness he feels by seeing Levi’s response to his story telling.

Somehow, it feels like something he might be good at. Talking, convincing people into believing what he believes in. Something he sees in Levi’s big eyes tells him that as he keeps narrating credible words even though they’re both aware that isn’t the case.

“Fight!” Levi exclaims energetically.

“With you.” He adds, quickly circling around Erwin and mimicking what seem to be animal fighting’s movements, something Erwin has never seen him do. Not so close anyway.

Levi is so fast he has to concentrate to keep up with his unnatural actions. His mouth quirks up, he puts his hands over his hips letting Levi continue and waiting for him to slow down.

“Right! So you can be my noble companion, now.” His eyes drift to the right and he talks to himself for a moment. “Sorry Carl.”  

Levi freezes at the words and frowns, tilting his head to the side.

“It means you can fight with me, Levi. Every hero needs a trustworthy comrade, someone who can loyally follow them without any question, someone who advises them and stays by their side always. And sometimes I read about heroes getting lost and being saved by their friends. It’s a good thing to be! I would be honored.” Erwin finishes satisfied by his own explanation, and by Levi’s body relaxing, content with his new position in their story.

“You and me.” Levi simply says, like the first time, making Erwin freeze with surprise, and joy.

They decide a name for him too, then. Erwin tries to ask him how he would like to be called but Levi just doesn’t answer him, so he provides one for him. He calls him exactly as the loyal friend of the great Alexander he had read about, trying to match the similarities in their fictional relationship. Levi seems to accept it without any trouble. 

As the story continues and the minutes pass the air around them gets harsher and colder. It pierces like hundreds of thin, stinging needles through Erwin’s heavy coat and Levi’s light clothes and thick skin. The sky blends from its preceding glaring white to a cloudy, shaded purple which colours the world of a romantic, nostalgic light. Snow keeps softly crashing to the ground, adding up to create a thick layer that covers the earth. It dresses both the young, carefree boys in white. 

Levi speaks every once in a while, filling the story with simple words, but mostly with simulated actions. Erwin gets to include titans in the story too, at one point, trying not to scare Levi off as last time. Levi reacts better than expected but doesn’t add anything to that part, almost afraid for it to become true. Erwin lets his imagination flow, though, and fantasies about humans transforming into titans. About titans being good. About befriending some of them and defeating the rest finally freeing everyone from the constant fear and hopelessness.

“That’s awesome!” Erwin cries out excited as they finally bring their story to what seems to be a happy ending. He glares up at the sky letting the snow wetting his face again, feeling extremely delighted. Levi’s reaction, expression is not exactly the same. He still hasn’t smiled, not once, but Erwin knows he’s satisfied about the afternoon too. He breathes deeply as he calms down.

“It’s getting really late.” Erwin contentedly sighs, acknowledging the darkness around them. “I have to go home.”

Levi understands right away and nods with friendly eyes, because by now he knows what that means. He knows it also means he’ll be back and he doesn’t need to worry about it.

Erwin sighs again, because he really doesn’t want to go home. 

“Thank you.” He tells Levi, smiling almost sadly. Levi raises his eyebrows expecting more but Erwin doesn’t continue. He doesn’t tell him he’s grateful because he’s never ever had that much fun with anyone else, neither does he tell him why he had felt the need to say it. Because Levi makes him feel like he’s not alone anymore, and sometimes it almost feels unreal.

He senses Levi’s hesitation, somehow, as he stands still just waiting for Erwin to go home but expressively having a problem about it.

“Come back by three o’clock tomorrow, okay? Just as I showed you before.”

“Here, you need to cover yourself up or you’ll catch a cold.” Erwin takes the blanket from the cold ground, shaking it from the snow, and puts it over Levi’s shoulders with the most gentle care. “If you ever do that, anyway.” He chuckles not sure it’s possible for Levi to be sick since he must be so used to that kind of climate.

“Thank you.” Levi’s words mirror his previous ones, sounding just as kind, almost sad, as he looks at the ground and his shy cheeks blush, again. Erwin’s instinct tells him to raise up his arm, to comfort Levi with touch, with a hug maybe, but his mind tells him it’s better not. Erwin hasn’t hugged anyone in ages, his father never shows him affection physically. He’s quite sure Levi has never hugged anyone at all in his entire life too. The thought saddens him, but it luckily leaves him soon enough.

Instead he puts on his best grin and finally says goodbye to Levi. 

“Three o’clock. Remember!”

He runs home.

 

***

 

Another week passes and Erwin doesn’t forget his books anymore, even though sometimes Levi still finds the need to fill in the parts he doesn’t like and complains about the stories more. He brings another blanket because the snow doesn’t rest and it’s hard being comfortable out in the cold.

One day, at three o’clock, Levi is not where he’s supposed to be. Erwin doesn’t worry right away, convinced being late for a couple of minutes isn’t that unusual. He waits. But then ten minutes pass, twenty, thirty and so on until Erwin finds himself waiting in the glade for almost an hour. Of course he’s upset and concerned again, his mind flying to Levi’s scars too, wondering if he’s in actual danger. He doesn’t get sad or angry at Levi this time. He trusts him now and that can’t be on purpose. So Erwin decides to go exploring and looking for him, aware it might not be a very clever idea but he doesn't care.

As he walks through the trees and the thick snow he searches for any sign of life. But except for some wild, brave animal out there in the cold he doesn’t see anything. No Levi anywhere. He starts to get anxious and thinking maybe he’s got bored of him, maybe he has something better to do. He shakes his head because no, that can’t be. He trusts Levi now. He’s his friend, how could he not be?

When almost at the breaking point a noise catches Erwin’s attention. He follows the unclear sound, letting his hearing lead the way until he sees something standing out against the white snow. He hides himself behind a big tree, not sure it’s safe to expose himself to whatever it is that he’s just seen.

His eyes focus more clearly and capture the three figures standing several meters from him, giving him their backs, bent over what seems to be a dead animal. They aren’t talking out loud but Erwin understands they’re communicating somehow, with looks and gestures he doesn’t recognize.

After a minute or so they all stretch their backs up and turn just enough for Erwin’s heart to skip a beat. Levi is there not so far away from him, looking older than usual, important almost, as he watches the other two people standing right next to him.

They’re children, too. A boy taller than Levi who seems to be of the same age, and a tiny girl with terribly messy hair red like fire. The taller boy has a kind calming face, Erwin notices, and he’s happy to find his blue eyes are not threatening at all. The girl, instead, is surrounded by a lively energy that makes him almost uncomfortable.

He’s concentrated on studying the three of them when he steps over a crunchy branch. The sound makes Levi’s head snap in his direction so quickly Erwin gets scared and awkwardly stumbles back on the snowy ground.

In less than a second Levi is over him. He gets him up with a strength Erwin never expected and drags him away in a fast run without giving him the time to say anything, to stop, until they’re back to their usual spot and Levi gets off him with a rough push. Erwin falls on the ground again, but this time he doesn’t get up and Levi certainly doesn’t help him.

Shocked, he tries to apologize, to understand what’s so wrong about it all but Levi’s flaming stare orders him to shut up. Levi is angry, that’s for sure, but he’s something else too. Something Erwin had thought they were over with, because he looks exactly like the first time he had felt betrayed by him. The first time Erwin had broken his trust. But the older boy can’t let that happen again, he needs to fix it and he needs to do it right then and there.

He gets up scrolling the snow from himself and then looks up at a furious Levi. He runs a hand through his hair and dares to talk. He takes a deep breath before doing so, before maybe ruining everything instead of repairing it.

“I’m sorry, Levi.”  _ I was just looking for you, I had no idea where you were and I got worried but I never meant to upset you.  _ Erwin thinks, yells with pleading blue eyes but doesn’t say it, knowing it’s better to be short and concise while talking to Levi. His friend.

_ “ _ It won’t happen again.”  _ But who are they? Are they the ones you talked about that time I asked if you were alone? Are they your family, your friends? Why can’t I talk to them too.  _ There are too many questions he wants to ask, too. But he doesn’t.  “I promise.”

Levi’s silver eyes narrow suspiciously, a glint of intense green shining in them too as a clear reflection of the evergreen trees surrounding them. Eventually Levi’s shoulders relax, enough to turn suspiciousness into a sincere wish for Erwin’s promise to be true. The smaller boy gives him a slight nod and vanishes in a matter of a breath, living Erwin scared, confused, sad but mostly hopeful.

 

*** 

 

After that it takes another couple of weeks for the trust to build again. This time Levi shows himself every day from the very beginning, despite everything. Erwin doesn’t skip a day either.

Sometimes Erwin tries to bring the other two children up, but Levi doesn’t want to hear it. He learns to distract themselves with books and stories and facts from Erwin’s life outside the forest.

There’s one thing that breaks Erwin’s heart. Levi started to sit far away from him again during their afternoons. Erwin doesn’t encourage him to sit near him this time but merely watches him with sorry eyes. It’s not that tragic though. With the passing of days Levi does curl up closer and closer. He finds the old, precious comfort of the proximity again, as if none of them could really stay away from the other. As if there were an invisible, strong force now that tied them together like brothers, like best friends from another life. Or this life, too.

It’s exactly when Erwin is almost starting to forget about the event that Levi startles him with an unexpected suggestion. _Come_ and _see_ _them_ are the words he keeps saying as he takes Erwin’s hand -something they both forget or at least pretend never happened later on, too busy running off- and leads Erwin outside their glade in a deeper part of the forest, one he doesn’t know about.

They stop and Levi makes them hide behind a tree, like the first time Erwin saw him and the other two children. The dark-haired boy points at the same two kids in front of them. Erwin follows Levi’s thin finger and ends up observing them while they simply sit over a fallen trunk, quietly minding their own business but keeping close to each other.

Erwin turns his head to Levi, who’s still looking at his friends cautiously, frowning and ready to spring into action for any kind of danger. He smiles fondly as he understands Levi’s actually trusting him again, even more than before. Because this is something Erwin never would have imagined Levi would do.

Levi catches him stare and lightly shoves Erwin with his shoulder. Erwin giggles softly but cheerfully as he notices Levi being embarrassed about it. They watch the light-haired boy and the frisky girl some more and then Levi brings him back to the glade.

“Isabel.” Levi speaks as they finally arrive. “Farlan.” Erwin realizes quickly enough those must be the names of his friends, and nods vigorously at him, showing he understands. Sometimes Erwin doesn’t use words, too, unconsciously imitating Levi and his way of communicating which is indeed much more expressive than anyone would ever think.

“I protect Isabel and Farlan.” Voice hesitant, but more confident than usual. “Don’t fight. Don’t hurt.” Erwin has never heard Levi sound so sure, firm. He swallows hard once, then nods again.

He understands they must be very important to him, something more than just friends. Levi must care for them almost like Erwin cares for Levi, definitely more, he supposes. Even though he’s sure he cares about Levi enough to swear to protect him with all he has too, if ever the case.

“Promise.” Levi makes him promise, and Erwin does without resistance.

 

***

 

One day Erwin brings one of his school books, one that talked about history and inevitably, titans. Levi seems reluctant at the beginning.  He seems bored too, making Erwin understand he doesn’t care about real history if there’s no hero, no adventure in it. Erwin just gently laughs at that telling him he’s wrong, even though he has to recognize his history book isn’t as fun as the stories they usually read.

And the adventures Levi’s talking about are never explicitly told in there, for the sake of the most general picture.

Erwin believes it’s cruel to let all the lives and deaths that made history go wasted like that, as if they were nothing more than just a single drop compared to the ocean that is the history of earth.

Somehow that afternoon Levi is more responsive than usual, more talkative too which is rare, Erwin thinks. He asks questions and comments on bits and pieces as he reads on.  Erwin finds himself almost conversing with him as he would with anyone else -well, almost. He nearly doesn’t notice, happy to finally being able to exchange opinions about these kind of things, when finally Levi surprises him. Erwin stares at him gawping, with widened blue eyes that foretell a kind of completely new and thrilling excitement.

“Erwin,” his name resonates beautifully in his ears. “you believe titans exist? If they are.. bad, mean as everyone else says why-” He still hesitates for a couple of seconds, looking for the words. “why they aren’t here? Now?” Erwin’s mouth opens an inch more as Levi finishes his almost perfect and long sentence. When he closes it, it turns into a wide, wild grin. Near to creepy.

Erwin decides Levi’s finally ready to learn how to talk, read, maybe even write someday. He decides he will teach him.

Levi frowns with innocence, confused, gazing at the euphoric boy’s new face. Erwin completely forgets to answer him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. just a tiny thing, there might be a bunch (i hope not) of mistakes in this i have no idea but please forgive me for that ç_ç (english is not my first language but i try really hard)


	4. Chapter 4

Winter goes by faster than Erwin would have liked but grey days pass and he almost doesn't notice nature changing around him. The snow melting away, the cold air staying behind to make way for a warmer, kinder weather. Even Christmas feels like a distant memory only a few months apart. Erwin doesn’t live it as a day for joy and family and presents, but more like one for an important discovery known as Levi’s birthday. They don’t exactly celebrate it, and Erwin has barely the time to meet the other boy that afternoon, but then Levi lets the information slip off his lips and Erwin gets excited. He gives him an old used toy the very next day, and even though Levi doesn’t really understand the meaning of the gesture it’s obvious he likes it.

January, February, almost all of March are gone. Months of focusing on Levi, observing him but also playing with him. Erwin doesn’t stop bringing books along with him. Every afternoon turns into a lesson for Levi which implies reading, talking and a lot of non-understanding from the younger boy’s part, at least at the beginning. If Erwin had had to be patience before, now he knows that deep breaths will forever be his salvation. He’s not mad, or angry, but sometimes he gets frustrated with himself because no matter what he says or does Levi just doesn’t understand, which means it’s all his fault.

Levi, on the other hand, doesn’t know how to stay calm at all. He probably doesn’t even understand the concept of patience. Often enough his animal instincts take over, he snaps at Erwin’s difficult explanations and sometimes grunts and snarls at him. Sometimes, Erwin thinks, he is simply not eager to learn but deep down he knows Levi would only like to know all of there is to be taught already. Levi wants to know everything and immediately, even though Erwin has told him hundreds of times that he just needs to take it slowly, there’s no need to rush.

However, he is sure of Levi’s real intention to learn because, somehow, he never says no. It’s strange not having to convince someone to do the things he likes, or wants. It’s a nice and a rather rare feeling, to have someone who never complains, who doesn’t mock him or call him weird. As soon as Erwin understands Levi is on his side he takes advantage. He shares everything he would love to do or talk about with someone else, even when and if it works only one way. It may be selfish but it’s a warming feeling.

Still, Erwin wasn’t born a teacher and there are times when he wonders if what he’s doing is right. Before those three months, it had been easy. Erwin would read and Levi would listen, while they both knew he was somehow assimilating things. Erwin had kept doing that for a while longer, sometimes letting Levi ask more but mostly getting silence in return. Silence and confused looks.

Despite that he can’t deny the fact that Levi has gotten better.

Levi understands more of the stories they read about, of the things Erwin tells him about his life, even of the things he’s trying to teach him so hard. Levi nods more, hums more and says more. He’s making progress, but it’s still too slow, Erwin thinks. It’s still not enough.

At the end of the day only reading and listening isn’t truly effective, not on the long run, and he knows he needs to do something about it.  

One day Erwin asks his father, who’s certainly perplexed by the question. He lets it pass though, since it isn’t really out of Erwin’s character to ask such things.

“How do you teach someone how to talk?” Erwin says during dinner in the middle of a long, calm silence. It isn’t exactly what he needs to know, but asking him how to teach someone who only knows how to half speak, and understands you most of the time but not enough to make a complete conversation, would be rather suspicious and Erwin prefers to be safe about the subject.

“Well, it depends. You mean teaching someone another language, right?”

“No. I mean how do you teach someone how to talk, how to speak starting from nothing.” Erwin half snaps the reply, almost expecting for the question to be obvious, expecting for his father to know what he’s talking about. Of course he doesn’t.

“Mh, I see. Like teaching to a baby, then.”

“Well, not really. I mean yes, but don’t babies just grow knowing how to? What if someone is already.. more than a baby? What do you do then?” Well, there it goes, his effort not to be suspicious at all.

“Erwin, that is rather unlikely. That would mean they’re either mentally ill, with some kind of disease I honestly wouldn’t know about, or they are simply mute and have never spoken a word in their life, which doesn’t make them stupid though.”

“He’s not stupid.” Erwin whispers, low enough for his father not to hear. Luckily.

“What are you saying?”

“Nothing.” Erwin continues, he doesn’t want to give up on this, he needs help and he knows his father is his only chance. “What if that’s also not the case? Just pretend someone like that exists. Pretend you have to teach an animal how to speak!” That’s it, maybe explaining that way might help.

“You can’t teach an animal how to speak.” His father giggles amused, but Erwin’s serious look on his face makes him stop.

“I said pretend.” His father sighs while still smiling at him.

“You certainly have quite the imagination. Well, then, I guess I’d just start talking to them as I do with you. As I did with you as a baby, too. I would start with very simple things, obviously. I would point at objects and keep saying the word over and over until it would be able to repeat. I would also have to reproduce the concepts I need to explain to.. this animal.”

“Like mimicking?”

“Yes, that might work. Honestly I think it would just depend on the animal’s intelligence.”

“It’s a very smart animal.” Erwin’s reply comes out of his mouth a bit too sure. His father smiles again, looking at him with confused eyes that express affection and love and a sort of admiration for the child’s confidence and curiosity.

“Very well then, I’m sure there is nothing much I could do except for these simple things. It’s not like you can teach an animal grammar and manners, anyway. It’s not like animals can talk too, Erwin. This is absurd.” His father makes a quick pause. “Ah, I believe rewarding it every time it understands and says something might help too, like training a dog. A talking dog.” He finishes as if he hadn’t just pointed out the nonsense of the imagined situation.

“Mh. That’s true, that could work.” Erwin smirks glancing at table below him while his thoughts go to Levi. Rewarding him, he never does that except for some encouraging words every now and then.

“Why do you ask, anyway?” His father says eventually.

“Just curious.” Erwin shrugs and goes to his bedroom without finishing his dinner.

“Erwin!” His father calls him before the slam of Erwin’s door closing silences the entire house. There is nothing more to say.

 

***

 

Erwin slams the book closed annoyed, letting the dust coming out of the old pages fill the air under his nose. He sighs as Levi looks confused and slightly upset. It’s true, Erwin thinks, that he should be patient and he can’t say he isn’t most of the time, but today is different.

Being a real teacher and trying to follow his father’s advice, at least in part, turns out to be harder than he had thought. Ever since their talk about the subject over dinner, and up until that moment, his teaching method has consisted in reading a couple of sentences of whatever book he had with him and asking Levi, word by word, if he had any idea of what they meant. Levi had appeared to be even lazier than usual and not cooperative as Erwin would have liked.

Erwin was being boring. It was becoming obvious to him that all that Levi wanted in the end was simply curling up next to him and listening to the sound of his voice instead of being the perfect student. But again, it isn’t enough, it’s even less than before.

Erwin throws away the book, which crunches over some leaves and the bright grass in one of the glade’s corners. He stares at Levi while raising up his hand to rub his eyes and temples like a desperate mother.

“You know what? We should try something different.” Levi straightens his back and his eyes lighten up immediately at the promising words in hope of some more entertaining activity.

During the last few weeks Erwin has never tested Levi’s range of knowledge, except for some difficult or long words which he realizes are easy for him, but not for the uneducated little boy. And he still hasn’t rewarded him as his father had suggested because there had been nothing to reward him for. Every answer to a question, every response to Erwin’s reading or teaching is always only a shake of Levi’s head, or a clap of his hands or comprehensive but silent eyes and expressions.

Erwin is starting to be overwhelmed by the horrible feeling and fear that Levi might not like him anymore, that he might not find him interesting as he did at the beginning. That he might get too bored and leave.

Not that the dark-haired child has ever showed any sign of that, though. He’s still punctual. He listens to him and he still, to Erwin’s great pleasure and pride, sits next to him while reading, every time nearer than he thought Levi would ever sit. 

Sometimes Levi rests right beside him, shoulders almost -but quite never- touching. He looks at the book’s pages with a serious, quite amusing face like he understands what each of the signs mean. Erwin knows he doesn’t but seeing that focused look, how his thin asymmetrical eyebrows frown over the words, always makes him smile.

Many times Erwin thinks about how Levi, his Levi who barely talks and doesn’t know much about the real world, his Levi who gets excited about a piece of bread and is scared by shoes, seems to be incredibly smart, despite everything else. Levi is curious, quick, driven by sharp but paradoxically logical instincts which make him incredibly capable and skilful, enough to live on his own at his young age. And Erwin admires him for it, still thinking there’s no way he isn’t a being from another world. 

“What?” Levi jumps on the spot.  _ What  _ is by far his favorite word and the one he uses the most too. The sound of his voice surprises Erwin, who quite honestly has no idea of what they could do either.

“Why don’t _you_ teach me something?” Erwin mutters out without thinking. “We can teach each other things. You show me around here and point at things that are… familiar to you and I’ll tell you how I call them- well how everyone does. Let’s start with the simple stuff, all right?” Erwin wonders for a moment if this is any different from what he has already tried. At least it doesn’t involve printed words.

Erwin knows Levi is able to speak more than he usually shows. The question about titans months ago and the days when they used to make up stories are enough to assure him of it. Yet, Erwin notices how his biggest difficulties don’t concern the way sentences may be arranged, but actual singular words and the way they sound in Levi’s inexperienced mouth.

Erwin has lost count of all the times Levi had struggled to find the right word. Sometimes Levi had gotten so angry at his incompetence with ordinary knowledge of things that he had simply stormed off, only to return a few minutes later calmer and almost blank. The first time it ever happened Erwin almost had a heart attack, thinking Levi would just leave forever, fed up of his teaching.

Levi grunts and grimaces before accepting the offer.

“I’m sorry Levi, but you know the more you learn now the more we’ll be able to come up with great stories where you can actually take part!” 

Inventing their own stories, or changing the ones they already know, is as important to Erwin as it is to Levi. It's a great way of passing their time and a subtle excuse to spend more time together; that seems to do it. Levi shows a sign of approval nodding and humming in response, looking away while he blushes as someone caught doing something secret and personal.

Erwin’s soul sparkles every time they share those particular moments, they make him feel whole and satisfied. But the best part of it all is, without any doubt, Levi. Levi, whose eyes turn from their usual graceful silver into a soft but wild gold every time they share new worlds, new tales. Levi, who releases such an intense light Erwin doesn’t know if his focus is actually addressed to the story or directly, maybe, to him.

Levi stands up from where they’ve been sitting and Erwin follows him. But then levi stops and raises his hands up in confusion while he looks around.

“What?” He repeats looking at Erwin, certainty on his face that the blond boy already knows most of the things surrounding them.

“Anything, really.” After a moment of hesitation Levi stars pacing quickly towards the trees, encircling the glade, that give access to the most inner parts of the forest, ready to show Erwin some big mystery. Erwin doesn’t follow.

“No, wait. I didn’t mean… let’s not go over there yet.” What is it? Is he scared? “Show me something here.”

“But.” Levi looks around again and frowns.

“It’s fine. Here is okay, you don’t need to show me things that I  _ actually _ don’t know about. Not yet, anyway. Besides how am I going to teach you about them if I don’t even know what you’re going to point at?” Levi shrugs and wait for Erwin to start, obviously not knowing what to do next.

Erwin points at a random tree then.

“Tree.” He says trying to make Levi understand what it is that he wants to do. Levi rolls his eyes and snorts. “Tree.” He repeats bored. Erwin giggles at that.

“Okay, so you already know what trees are. That’s good but it was just an example, you know? Just show me like this and I’ll tell you. I’m sure you can find more things around here than I can think of anyway.”

And so they start. Levi shows him obvious things, Erwin says them out loud and waits for Levi to repeat. They start off slow, bored but then they catch up and they both end up taking it as a speed race more than a lesson in forest’s surroundings. Eventually they reach a point when Levi is not able to repeat as fast as Erwin, muttering words unknown and difficult to him. Erwin laughs, amused by the entire thing, maybe a bit by Levi too, and they finish all the possible things they could possibly call out.

They crash on the ground, almost panting, and lay on their back side by side over the fresh grass. Erwin closes his eyes and smiles, steadying his breath. That isn’t exactly what he had in mind and Levi is probably going to forget half of the words (since Erwin hasn’t even explained them, meaning he could have made them up -and maybe he did once or twice- but it’s not his fault if he doesn’t know how every flower or mushroom is called or if his desire to win is stronger than Levi’s expected frustration) but it’s been fun. At least Levi isn’t bored anymore.

Erwin hates the fact that he has to worry about this, has to make sure Levi doesn’t stop coming to their usual meetings, or so he tells himself.  

As he relaxes next to Levi, sinking on the soft earth beneath him, he starts to feel observed. A tickling feeling at the back of his head makes him shiver. He turns his head around, messy blond hair falling delicately over his forehead, and opens his eyes. They meet Levi’s silver ones immediately.  

Slowly, Levi turns his head facing forward. A calm expression falls over his face. He points up, raising and stretching his arm.

Erwin follows his finger and gaze too, ending up looking at a perfect blue and bright sky, clean from clouds thanks to the pleasant breeze of the new coming season.

“That’s the sky.”

“Sky.” Levi repeats carefully, taking his time.

“My dad says the ocean has the same color.”

“Ocean?” Levi repeats again and asks without facing Erwin.

“I’ll explain that to you when you’re older.” He half jokes, thinking about the things his father sometimes tells him. 

Levi slightly punches him on his upper arm half offended, but then goes back to look at the infinity above him.

“I like the sky.” He says with a low voice, he sounds almost sad.

“That’s where gods live and where good people go when they die.” Erwin thinks about his mother, how he likes to think she’s always looking after him from up there one way or the other.

“You think I am god.” Levi says slowly to himself, deep in thought, remembering their real first conversation. Erwin gently laughs at his statement, which has sounded more like a question though.

“I thought you were  _ a  _ god, in general.” Levi puffs and rolls his eyes, but Erwin ignores him.

“If you were one, though, would you like living up there? You could make it… because I’m still pretty sure you can fly and you’re just hiding that from me.”

“I can’t… fly.” Levi says serious, not answering the question. Erwin waits, nothing.

“Whatever.” He ends up saying and giving up, but it doesn’t sound bitter, or angry. Just far away, because Erwin is already imagining if  _ he _ would like it up there instead. And he would, he can’t deny it. He could have all the freedom in the world and more, able to escape the huge walls encircling the land they’re forced to live in. He would grow silver wings, as beautiful and graceful as Levi’s eyes, and he would never stop flying.

 

The next day Erwin brings Levi, along with the usual books, his own idea of a reward. He brings biscuits. Levi’s eyes widen in amazement when he sees them, curious -quite hungry too- which makes Erwin grins widely. What the blond boy doesn’t tell him is that he made them, during the night, without his father knowing and almost burning the entire house down. He really has no idea how they might have turned out. Still, Levi’s face is enough to make him proud, hoping they don’t taste that bad. And it’s not like Levi can have them without showing any kind of effort, so there’s hope.

Levi automatically reaches for the little sack containing them but stumbles forward gasping as Erwin only moves to the side to keep the food away from him. Levi doesn’t fall or hurt himself but inevitably finds himself down on his hands and knees. He snaps his head up to stare at Erwin with narrowed, annoyed eyes but it only makes Erwin giggle a little more before he offers him a hand to get up. Levi doesn’t take it, getting on his feet without needing any help and still burning Erwin with a threatening look. Levi’s not patience, but Erwin knows it already. 

“Ah ah, you can’t have them.” He says swinging the bag in front of the smaller boy with an overconfident attitude. Levi’s eyes follow it to and fro, with his mouth slightly open and a controlled breath. Erwin swiftly hides it behind his back, crossing his arms there, leaving Levi empty and frowning. 

“What.” He says,  _ what do I have to do _ ? He means. Another thing Erwin has learnt during their months together is how to interpret every what Levi says. And this is an annoyed, quick one. He lifts his head and smirks. 

The answer is, of course, being a good student and show Erwin he has learned something, that he can talk more and understand better now. And surprisingly enough, or maybe not since the cookies turn out to be something Levi really wants, the small boy does. He fills Erwin with content and satisfaction. 

When Erwin reads a difficult word Levi repeats it in the most perfect way. He doesn’t lose his temper if he doesn’t manage to get it right away. When Erwin expects a question, Levi asks, accepting and understanding the answer without any problems. If Erwin corrects his grammar Levi doesn’t turn his head away offended as usual, instead he nods and repeats the correct sentence. Even when Erwin gets dragged away and starts showing off with tongue twisters Levi has no trouble keeping up with him and repeating everything. They even forget about the biscuits, or at least Erwin does and Levi doesn’t say anything about it. 

“I’m bored.” Levi says in the middle of another tongue twister even Erwin was having difficulty with. The older child stops mid sentence and quickly closes his mouth. He frowns, mostly because Levi’s words catch him by surprise, even if the tone of his voice is only calm and placid as always.

“Well that’s a pity because this was going to be a good one.” Erwin replies, internally thanking Levi for stopping him because that wasn’t going to be a good one at all. Levi seems to notice and raises his eyebrows like someone who had all figured it out already. 

“Read something.” Levi orders him kindly. 

“Okay.” Erwin accepts but when he goes to reopen the book they have been reading in the first place Levi stops him, shutting it close with determination. Erwin looks at him perplexed as he shakes his head, making his long dark hair sway at the sides of his face. 

“Something different.” His voice is flat, but Erwin swears his eyes are almost begging for it. He must be truly bored. “Please.” He adds, which solve every doubt Erwin had. 

Levi isn’t completely wrong though, that particular book is not the best Erwin could have picked up. Luckily enough Erwin had already thought ahead of him. 

He smiles slowly. “I’m glad you said that.” Saying that he takes a little, ruined book out from his trousers’ back pocket and shows it to Levi. 

“I found it last night when I was looking for-” _ For a recipes’ book to find out how to make cookies,  _ he almost says but stops before coming out with the truth. He’s not sure why but it’s vital to him that Levi doesn’t know he cooked them, not before eating them. 

Levi waits patiently and he tilts his head as Erwin’s words don’t keep coming. He hums once calling Erwin back from his thoughts. 

“Yes, sorry.” He scratches the back of his head awkwardly. “Anyway, I found this little thing. It’s a collection of short stories, of legends. I tried to read some of them yesterday but they don’t really make sense to me. They’re not like the legends I know. There are names I don’t know and places I’m not even sure are real… you know I couldn’t ask my father about it, it was late and he wouldn’t approve anyway. Maybe.” 

He takes a short breath as he realizes he’s been talking a bit too fast, as if he were running out of time for some reason. A weird sad feeling fills him up. It’s as it always used to before, when he knew no one was willing to listen through the end if he didn’t hurry up. This time it doesn’t last very long since Levi’s words reach him and bring him back to a much nicer reality.

“Read one. I don’t- care if it’s not real.” Erwin’s blues eyes stare at him as he thinks, among all the other unpleasant things, how adorable is it that Levi still needs time to find the right word. How cute that he still can’t say what he truly wants and has to simplify every thought coming through his mouth. But Erwin knows what he means. They’ll make sense out of those legends together, they will learn the names and places and will make them become real for them only. He crinkles his nose happily, unconsciously copying Levi’s body language and starts reading.   

“This one is called  _ The Legend of the Milky Way _ .” Erwin clears his mouth but Levi already interrupts him. 

“What’s a milky way?” 

Erwin isn’t really sure about the answer but decides to reply half confidently anyway, after hiding the initial startled look. “I once read about it in another of my father’s books.. it’s a group of stars.” 

“Something like that. I’m pretty sure about the stars part, anyway.” 

“Stars.” Levi repeats with interested eyes and nods, encouraging Erwin to go on. Erwin is happy to do so without any worries about misunderstandings, since Levi and he had already talked about stars once. 

“Once upon a time there lived a very beautiful and charming princess, named Chuc-Nu. She-” Erwin stops as Levi snorts lowly. He shakes his black head at the sound of such a name that surely neither of them have ever heard before. Erwin rolls his eyes annoyed, but amused, by Levi’s lack of maturity about this. 

Truth be told Erwin is more perplexed about Levi focusing on such a little detail instead of asking what a princess might be, for example. Every time they read that kind of stories, where people of power are mentioned and relevant, Levi seems to already know everything about it. The older boy had found it odd from the very beginning. Someone who has lived their whole life in the woods shouldn’t and couldn’t possibly be aware of these things, but instead of asking him why is it that he knows so much Erwin always leaves the subject alone, letting himself be simply amazed by the boy. 

“Anyway-” Erwin clears his throat again.

“-she was one of the many daughters of the King of Heaven. Chuc-Nu was a very hard-working lady and she was often seen sitting on the shore of the Silver River to sew clothes for her younger sisters.” 

Before continuing Erwin loses himself in his own thoughts for a moment. He wonders if a silver river really did exist and if the flow of such water was as wild and mesmerizing as Levi’s eyes. He smiles at the idea, finding it oddly comforting.

“One day a young man led his buffaloes to the river. His name was Nguu-Lang-”

“And don’t say anything.” He says before Levi can show any sort of reaction. When he looks at him, though, he’s faced with a curious and eager-to-know-more little boy, innocence spread all over his face. 

He’s not sure why the surprise of it hits him like that, as if it were the first time he had found Levi being attentive while listening to him. It wasn't, but something in the other boy's expression reminds him of himself. Of his own curiosity. It warms his heart to know he had managed to make someone else feel the same, without feeling weird or unwanted. 

He shares an apologetic smiles and continues, holding back the sudden instinct of ruffling his hair. Levi doesn’t smile back, he never does -never smiles at all- but Erwin can read the slight movement of his glowing eyes and knows the fondness is mutual. Or at least he hopes so.  

“He was very handsome. He fell in love with the princess at first sight, and she loved him, too. The King of Heaven, fully aware of their love, consented for her daughter to marry Nguu-Lang. But the couple had to promise to continue their work after their marriage.” 

“They enjoyed being married so much they forgot their promise. The King became furious and ordered them to separate. Each of them would live on one side of the river and could only look at each other from across the river. The King allowed them to meet once a year in the seventh month of the lunar year. This month is called 'The Month of Sudden and Short Showers''. When they meet each other, they usually cry for joy. They cry even more bitterly when it is time for separation.” Erwin stops as he’s used to by now, searching Levi’s face for questions he knew would come. 

“Cry?” He asks with a soft voice. 

“Do you know what it means?” Levi shakes his head, frowning. 

“That’s funny because you saw me do it.” Erwin remembers their very first encounter and how scared he had been, also half crying. It should be embarrassing to remember, but he doesn’t feel any shame about bringing the memory back. He knows Levi is not one to judge, not for a couple of tears. 

Levi just frowns some more, eyes looking sideways as he tries to remember what Erwin might be talking about. Erwin brings his hands to his face, closed into two small fists, and rubs his eyes while pretending to cry like a baby, trying to give Levi a good explanation through awful sounds.

He puts his hands down and smiles at Levi’s funny and confused expression. He’s about to say something but Levi beats him to it and starts mimicking exactly what Erwin has just done. He brings his hands up and makes the same terrible noises which, to Erwin’s ears, sound more like capricious screeches than actual crying. 

Erwin chuckles loudly but becomes serious right after. He clears his throat hoping not to have offended Levi while laughing at his pretending. It’s more his fault than anything anyway. 

“No, that’s not what crying is at all. Not the kind explained in the story anyway.”  

He hums, thinking of a better solution. “Hit me.” 

“What?” Levi’s reply is immediate, sounding a bit panicked too. 

“Come on, hit me. It has to hurt though because otherwise I’m never going to cry.” Erwin says lifting his chin in a very childish pride, as if he wasn’t aware of his still low pain threshold. Levi hesitates before the strange request, his mouth slightly open in surprise. 

“Don’t be scared com-” Levi doesn’t let Erwin tell him twice and punches him hard in the upper part of his stomach, making him fold up and cough. Erwin wasn’t expecting so much pain -even though he had asked for it- from a single punch and he certainly wasn’t expecting such precision from the strike, as if Levi knew exactly where to hit to actually hurt him. And something tells him Levi wasn’t exactly putting all the strength he has in him either. 

“Sorry.” Levi says bending his head down. Apologizing is one of the first thing Erwin had taught him but he doesn’t want him to use that word right now.

“You don’t need to be.” Erwin reassures him with a lightly distressing voice, still coughing. 

Something warm wets his cheek, tears. He gasps a bit surprised, not really expecting for the whole thing to work. But it did and now he can easily show Levi, whose eyes are still looking down at the ground.

“Levi look!” Erwin calls him staring at him with damp eyes and a big grin. “I’m crying.” He’s not sobbing, of course, but he isn’t even sure whether he’s crying or actually laughing right now. 

He stops as soon as Levi’s worried eyes meet his own. Levi raises an arm as to reach for Erwin’s face but doesn’t touch it, retrieving it at once almost scared. Erwin’s soft laugh turns into a touched smile and a tear more drops over his face. 

“This is crying. You wanted to know.” He finally says, moving around to find a more comfortable position for his aching body. 

“I understand.” Levi says serious before changing the subject and letting his own embarrassment fade away. “What is the last thing you read? Showers?” 

“The month of sudden and short showers, you mean?” Levi nods. 

“Well maybe if you let me continue we will find out.” He avoids the question for an answer he doesn’t know, trying to sound witty enough. Levi doesn’t say anything and Erwin takes it as positive signal. 

“That is why it rains torrentially at the beginning of the seventh lunar month in Vietnam- see? It probably means that it rains a lot.” Erwin wonders what Vietnam is, a little town, a huge city or a whole country that doesn’t exist anymore, somewhere far away.

“If you happen to be in the countryside during this month, you do not expect to find any ravens. They are believed to have flown to the sky to help carry the bridge across the river for the reunion of Chuc-Nu and Nguu-Lang and if you look at the sky on clear nights, you may see the Silver River which looks like a long milky white strip made of stars. Therefore, it is called "Ngan ha", The Milky Way.” He finishes, having several doubts about this so called 'milky way'. He lets the still open book balance on legs. 

“Did you like it?” Erwin asks noticing a new expression on Levi’s face. 

“It’s sad.” 

“Mh, maybe. I think it’s beautiful.” 

“But they are alone.” Erwin frowns at the cheerless reply.   

“No, they aren’t. They have each other even though they can only meet once a year. I think one day with someone you care about is better than being always alone, without anyone to love at all.” Erwin’s innocence and repressed loneliness make their way out through melancholy words which, despite being pure and natural, sound too mature for a boy of his age. 

A dry splash interrupts Erwin’s line of thought. He looks down, startled by the sudden thump. His now wet and dirty book has fallen from his legs to the side into a small mud puddle right next to where he’s seated. 

“Shit!” He instinctively curses -not exactly sure of where that has come from- in annoyance. He immediately goes to cover his mouth with guilty, knowing he shouldn’t swear, but then he remembers there are no adults around and no one is going to reproves him for it.  

“Shit!” Levi repeats vehemently, imitating Erwin’s tone and irritated spirit, even though he sounds only innocent and naive. Exactly like a child saying a curse word should sound like. 

Erwin forgets all about sadness as he laughs at Levi’s echo of his words, letting his loneliness be replaced by the comforting happiness the other boy always makes him feel.

“Why are you-?” 

“Laughing?” Erwin finishes for him still giggling. Levi looks offended if not almost angry, arms crossed and an overly cute pout on his face. 

“Do I say something wrong?” 

“Did I say.” Erwin corrects him quickly, and Levi repeats it whispering to himself only. “And no you didn’t.” 

“Actually, that was pretty good.” 

“What it- what does it mean?” Levi corrects himself this time, before letting Erwin be the annoying teacher he loves to be. 

“Oh.” Does Erwin actually know what it means? He knows that’s a swear word, used when you are angry or annoyed or for when something goes bad, but no one has ever really told him what the actual word meant. He shrugs and looks the other way. “I don’t know, I heard it from my dad. It’s a bad word.” 

“A bad word?” Levi tilts his head in his typical questioning way. 

“Something I’m not supposed to say.” 

“Why?” 

“Because it’s rude.” Erwin tries to explain and shrugs his shoulders a second time. “Do you want to know more words that I’m not supposed to say?” He smirks at Levi with amused blue eyes. 

They spend a good half an hour saying and repeating swear words, from the most simple ones to some of those Erwin has only ever heard from his classmates’ stories, and doesn’t even know if are true. 

Erwin tries not to laugh every time Levi so seriously curses until Levi notices and shuts him up with a last insult. Erwin wonders if he really means it. 

“Don’t be so touchy.” He lets himself giggle freely this time. 

“Listen, you have been very good today. And I just remembered I have cookies with me, so how about you forgive me if I give them to you?” Erwin luckily remembers the biscuits in time to avoid Levi possibly punching him in the face. He takes them out and hands them to him. 

Levi frowns suspicious of Erwin’s gesture. “What? You don’t trust me? I thought you wanted them before.” 

“Maybe.” 

“It was your reward.” Erwin says sadly looking down, already half hurt by Levi’s rejection of the food. 

“Okay” Levi replies, making Erwin light up and look up at him with a hopeful look. Levi takes the small bag in his hand and eats a cookie after studying it scrupulously. Erwin grins but his smile fades quickly when Levi spits the whole thing from his mouth and throws him a completely disgusted face. 

“Bad. This is bad food.” He says cleaning his mouth with his other hand and shaking his head in disapproval of Erwin’s cooking abilities. 

Erwin keeps staring at him and stays silently agape. It makes Levi feel uncomfortable and almost regretful of his sudden but natural reaction. He’s about to say sorry, somehow understanding he might have hurt his feelings, when Erwin bursts into a rich and genuine laughter. There are tears in his eyes because yes, he knew his cookies weren't exactly the best, but he wasn’t expecting Levi’s reaction to be so honest. And it was totally worth it. 

“Shut up.” Levi says finally overcoming the initial shock caused by Erwin’s enthusiastic giggling. He rolls his eyes fondly annoyed by the blond boy and cleans his hand, full of chewed cookies, rubbing it with deliberate pressure on Erwin’s arm. 

“Ew! Levi!” At least he’s stopped laughing at him now.

 

***

 

Erwin rushes through the tall trees without looking back, weaving among the sun’s golden rays that illuminate the forest. It takes all he has not to stop, to run faster than the wind and not to let his lack of breath crash him before he can reach the usual comforting spot where he finds himself to be almost every afternoon. 

This time he’s early, before the time Levi and he had agreed upon the previous day. This time Erwin has run away from school right after lunch time with anger digging through his chest and frustration clouding his mind. As he runs memories from the just passed morning keep hitting him as thin cold knives, making his head hurt and shake violently.

Finally he arrives at the glade and lets himself fall onto the soft grass that covers the small place. He punches the ground as he bends on himself, trying to hold resentful tears back. He silently breaches the air around him with a muffled yell. Fair sweaty hair falls over his furrowed forehead, his breath becomes heavier and his fists open up before his hands start scratching the ground underneath him. Dirt gets under his nails and cover his smooth palms but he doesn’t care. He wouldn't care about anything at the moment, and for once he’s relieved to be alone. 

Something moves and the sound of light footsteps coming from ahead of him makes Erwin’s head shoot up. His expression still openly upset followed by nearly trembling lips and eyes wide open, both in surprise and daze. 

“Levi.” He says with an equally shaking voice as he, ashamed, buries his fingers deeper into the ground.

“What are you doing here?” Erwin snaps at him, as if Levi’s presence were a nuisance, as if he weren’t supposed to be there at all making him only more upset. He’s not sure whether he means it or not. Levi doesn’t reply and only takes a step forward with his usual blank face on. 

Levi keeps looking at him puzzled and Erwin feels his face blushing and burning up as their eyes linger on each other’s without breaking the tense contact, until he suddenly looks down and hides himself from Levi’s silver look.

“Why are you here?” He asks.  _ Why are you here? You shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t see me like this.  _ He thinks furious at himself more than the other boy, Levi has done nothing wrong in the end. It’s something more than anger, than simple shame for Erwin. Letting himself get mad for just a couple of children making fun of him, insulting him, beating him up shouldn’t be his natural reaction. He’s not supposed to cry about it, not supposed to be this weak. 

That is what he believes in his head, in his heart. He’s always thought that because of the people and the world around him; being weak, letting people get to him... it only brings to a miserable and pathetic life. That's what such a mean world is telling him. He doesn’t want to seem pathetic to anyone, especially to Levi. And so he hides his face some more, closing his eyes hard, hoping for the other boy to just disappear for a while, just until he can face him again. 

Instead Levi gets closer. 

“Please, go away.” Erwin whispers in a scared voice that no one hears.

“What?” Levi asks serious, worried, warm. Erwin has to look up and observe his expression to guess which kind of  _ what  _ that is. It’s the kind that’s asking him what happened to him? Why is he like this? A few tired tears eventually make it out of his big blue eyes, touched by but also mad at Levi’s thoughtfulness. 

“Nothing happened. I’m fine.” Erwin lies and looks away again and Levi only tilts his head not believing a single word. He disappears for several seconds leaving Erwin alone on his knees, as he has wished for before. He realizes he doesn’t actually like the feeling. He hears Levi coming back. Erwin wants to turn his head and see for himself what Levi is doing but what comes next freezes him still. 

Levi slowly places a blanket, the one they used during the cold winter days, over his shoulders. It startles him but immediately makes him feel safer, calmer. His eyes widen out in a rather pleasant shock that makes his stomach tighten slightly. Levi paces around him and kneels in front of him. Erwin sighs and gives up because he knows Levi well enough to understand he’s not going to get away with it so easily. Besides, talking about it can’t be that bad. 

“Some of the other boys at school have been-” It sounds even more pathetic to say it out loud, he hopes Levi doesn’t pity him. “mean to me.” He ends in a soft shy whisper. 

“Why?” Levi’s voice sounds innocent and neutral like the one of someone who doesn’t know anything about the world yet. It makes Erwin feels a little better, warmer under the big blanket Levi used to hug him even if indirectly. 

“It’s not any different than usual. I don’t even mind it anymore, but this time they made me angry too. I swear I never get mad at them... I don’t care about that. It’s stupid, as they are anyway.” Erwin shrugs, pretending it’s not big deal. 

“Why are you angry?” Levi’s face reminds him of a curious cat, eyes sharp and narrow while trying to understand Erwin’s words and behaviour. “What they did?” 

Erwin smiles faintly, in between dry tears and blushing cheeks for Levi’s mistake, but doesn’t correct him. He lets the words do their job only, without necessary being the result of a forced lesson. 

“They just started saying I’m always alone… that that was weird and apparently they didn’t like it very much. They said I only pretend to be mysterious every time I disappear and choose not to play with any of them after school, which is absurd because I never wanted to be mysterious for anyone in the first place, you know? And they don't even want me to play with them... So I told them that I don’t just disappear.” He pauses, letting his voice rest after the sudden urge that had grown in it. “I told them that I’m not alone as they think I am.” 

He doesn’t raise his head. He raises his eyebrows while his clear eyes go up to look at Levi like a guilty child waiting for punishment.

“I told them that I have you.” He finally confesses. It feels to him as if he didn’t have the right to say such a thing, as if he would have needed Levi’s permission first. Because it doesn’t matter to him if they have been together every day for months now, he’s still not sure about Levi being his friend. He’s not sure the other boy feels like that, too. Doesn’t even know if he knows what friendship means, and if he cares. 

What if Erwin is just a way to pass the time for him and nothing more? Like that one toy everyone gets excited about for a while and then never looks at again. Sometimes all of this sounds stupid in his head but the doubts never leave him. Sometimes it’s as if Erwin would deny Levi’s mutual friendship to protect himself from possible disappointment. 

“But they didn’t believe me. And so they started calling me names, calling me annoying and stupid and ugly.” His breath is heavy with new, threatening tears and anger as the memory fills his mind. 

“And I know I can be strange sometimes and I’m not certainly what anyone would call a pretty boy -plus I still don’t know what that has to do with anything- but I’m not stupid!” Erwin sighs painfully, his pride cut in two. 

It’s true he has no problem admitting some flaw here and there. He has no problem seeing his own face in the mirror to find it simply too hard-featured for a child, with contrasting big eyes and a thin mouth. And he has no problem spending his time by himself studying or ignoring things others normally enjoyed. But stupid is something he knows not to be and he can’t accept. 

“And then they hit me and-” 

“What?” Levi hisses stopping him right away. His first surprised but sweet expression becomes heated like bright fire. His wide eyes narrow again, outraged by Erwin’s statement. Erwin blinks twice and stares at him in shock not expecting this kind of reaction at all. 

“Who?” He asks disgusted. Levi stands up with tight, clenching fists at his sides, little as he is but looking menacing as an old wolf, ready to bite whoever Erwin was going to blame. 

“Nobody important-” He replies, still upset by the whole thing but slowly coming back to his normal self in front of Levi’s indignation. 

“They can’t.” Levi snarls. An actual savage sound echoes between them, the forest and that world so cruel to Erwin. It almost scares Erwin to death, the way Levi gets mad. He realizes he has never seen him so angry and wonders what it’s like to upset him for real, he hopes he never sees the day. Yet, he sounds incredibly protective too and Erwin’s heart beats faster for a few unexpected seconds.

“Levi.” Erwin murmurs watching up at his serious face. He clears his throat and takes his wrist only to clumsily force him to sit down again. 

“Levi come down. There’s no need to be… to be like this, okay?” Their eyes lock. Levi has sparks burning inside them that slowly come to dampen into the ocean blue of Erwin’s look, making the blond sigh of touched relief. 

Despite everything Levi keeps staring at him, his nose doing the crinkling movement Erwin so much adores. A mix of worry and confusion spread over his face instead of irritation. Erwin feels himself blushing and, as his body inexplicably heats up, takes the blanket off which only exposes him more, in ways he wouldn’t want to. In the gesture his shirt accidentally lifts up uncovering a quarter of the his stomach. 

“Erwin.” Levi gasps pointing at his pale tummy, apparently covered by two large but innocuous bruises. 

“Oh.” He bends his head down and touches his own skin, almost jumping at the touch for the pain but mostly because of his cold finger tips. “It’s nothing.” Levi doesn’t look convinced. 

“Levi, I’m fine. I’m okay now.” He is, he’s finally calmed down and the frustration and misery have left, for now at least. He tries and smiles at Levi to reassure him. When Levi blatantly pouts he can’t help but giggle, glad to be there with him instead of being alone with his thoughts and memories. 

Levi rolls his expressive eyes and punches him playfully on his shoulder to break the awkwardness that has materialized in the air. 

“Why don’t they like you?” Erwin keeps grinning despite the nature of the question, proud of Levi’s correct grammar. He shrugs after and looks up at the sky wondering about that himself. 

“I don’t know. They probably have something against the fact that I’m the teacher's’ son. That, and I definitely know that they don’t like my eyebrows either.” He closes his eyes and lets the air freshen his weary face. 

“Your eyebrows?” Levi asks with a voice full of harmlessness. 

“Yeah, eyebrows.” Erwin touches his own for a moment, his eyelids still shut, showing Levi what he’s talking about. 

“Why they have a problem with it?” He keeps shrugging and the curious confusion in the little boy’s voice makes Erwin smile again. 

“I never really asked them. I guess I should, though.” He hears Levi hum in agreement. “It’s my nickname. At school I mean, they call me like that. They call me Eyebrow every time they’re trying to annoy me.” 

“Eyebrow.” Levi calls him, grunting a muffled laughter finding the nickname amusing. Coming from him it sounds surprisingly nice to hear. Affectionate rather than stinging, and suddenly it doesn’t bother him anymore. If it comes from Levi, he can have any nickname in the world. 

They share a pleasant silent for several calm minutes, one that doesn’t feel embarrassing, or empty. It’s a colorful quiet that paints the inside of Erwin’s mind with the sound of the forest around him, followed by Levi’s breathing of which he is always a bit too aware and utterly relieved for. They are sitting close near to each other in the middle of the glade, a place turned into a safe and familiar shelter for both of the boys by now. Half hidden by the trees’ shadows, nature around gifts them with warm hair and a new spring. 

Caught In the middle of a thought Erwin gets startled when something unexpectedly touches his face. He almost jerks back, almost. The only thing stopping him from backing off is what his eyes, flown open after the abrupt contact, see in front of him. 

Levi is kneeling in front of him, just like before, pressing a thin finger against his left eyebrow. Erwin’s eyes widen as he tries to read Levi’s inscrutable face and frowns, letting the tip of the finger follow his eyebrows movements. 

“I like them.” Levi says with a blank voice while staring. Erwin blinks and blushes as soon as the other unbelievable boy starts actually brushing them, as one would do with a doll’s hair. It’s a weird feeling, having his eyebrows touched like that. It’s something no one has even ever dreamed of doing but he guesses that that must be Levi’s way to learn and satisfy his curiosity. 

“Do you like yours?”  The blond asks when words find him again. “Your eyebrows, I mean.” 

Levi seems to think hard about it for a long second. Then he withdraws and sits back with a pensive expression, looking down and away from Erwin as his cheeks turn pink as a fresh new rose. 

“What is it?” 

“I never…” 

Erwin waits patiently. 

“I don’t know how-” Levi struggles with words more than usual. “Only with water…” 

“With water? What? Levi, I’m going to need a bit more than that to understand here.” Erwin encourages him gently to go on, scratching his nose in the meantime. 

“I don’t how I look.” Of course Levi doesn’t know how he looks like, Erwin feels so stupid. The realisation that it would have been impossible for Levi to know strikes him hard. There are no mirrors in the forest, no place to reflect anything, nothing except.. water. That’s what Levi was trying to say, that he’s only ever mirrored himself in the water. Not quite a perfect image. 

“Oh.” Erwin manages to say at first, feeling somehow guilty about his own ignorance this time. He wonders how that might feel, not to know how someone’s own face looks like. It’s scary, like not owning a proper identity, he thinks at first, but what a relieving liberation must that be at the end of the day. Like being freed by a tricky cage no one has ever asked to be put into. 

“Would you like to know?” Erwin asks. 

“Someday, yes.” The  _ someday  _ surprises Erwin a bit, but he murmurs a shy okay and accepts it without forcing it forward thinking about bringing a mirror one day. Just to see Levi’s face when he sees himself, that will surely be amusing.

Levi decides to move back right next to Erwin’s and lays there, on his back with his pale arms crossed behind his head. Now that the weather is kinder he wears only something that looks like a large t-shirt made for an adult man, definitely worn for too long, and some trousers Erwin had decided to give him a while ago that don’t fit him but that at least don’t leave him exposed under the waist. Still no shoes, completely barefoot. 

Erwin lays on the ground too and lets a ray of sunshine, piercing through the thick trees, warm his face and irradiate his cheeks of a pleasant tingling feeling. It feels like a boring but lovely summer day, when all worries are forgotten. Thoughts inside his head wave like fireflies in the light dark of the dusk. 

He starts playing with a wet clump of grass before breaking what seems to be nearly sacred silence, even though Levi doesn’t seem startled at all. “So, what about your friends… Farlan and Isabel? I bet they don’t call you names do they?” 

Levi’s head flashes in his direction as soon as he mentions his two friends. Are they his friends? Is that how he calls them, anyway? Erwin feels a pang of jealousy mixed with guilt as he thinks about them, how important they must be to Levi. Much more than he’ll ever be probably. He shakes his head and finally lets it rest sideways, exchanging Levi’s gaze. This might be one of the first conversations they have ever had about something that wasn’t only a story or a lesson.  

“They call me Levi. What about your dad?” Levi’s question comes out of the blue but Erwin replies anyway. 

“My dad calls me Erwin and if he’s in a good mood sometimes he calls me  _ little titan _ . Seems bad, I know, but he thinks it’s funny. So what, Levi and nothing else?” 

Levi ponders for a second, still looking at Erwin but lost beyond him for just about the time it takes him to reply. “Sometimes Isabel call me big brother.” 

“Call _ s,  _ Levi remember the s when you’re talking in the third person.” Erwin says without even thinking and ignores Levi rolling his eyes -but still repeating the correction to himself. “Why big brother?” 

“I don’t know.” Levi frowns and returns his face to the sky. The blue ahead of him blends with the grey in his eyes, turning them into rare sapphires encircled in silver. 

“She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know how, Farlan too.”  

“They can’t speak.” Erwin states after him, even though something still doesn’t make sense. “But you knew how to talk when I first met you, even if only a little bit. Or at least you could understand. Say more than just your name anyway.” 

Levi looks hesitant, turning his head ever so slightly in the direction opposite to the blond’s, as if the argument was a difficult one or rather just something he’s not too eager to talk about.

That doesn’t stop Erwin to be curious. 

“Let’s play a game.” He says confident. 

“What game?” 

“I ask you a question and you must reply. Then you do the same and I have to reply too. One question each. Are you up for it?” 

“Mh. Okay.” Levi still doesn’t sound too sure but yet again, he never says no to Erwin. 

“Do you want to start?” The dark-haired boy shakes his head. 

“All right, then I’ll go first. Why do you seem to be smarter than them?” 

“I’m not.” 

“Okay well, not smarter just… well you could talk and all. You know what I mean.” 

“Mh.” 

“Well? Answer the question, that’s the game.” Erwin chuckles at Levi’s shocked face as he playfully scolds him. Levi’s surprise leaves his face and he snorts.

“Because I am here- I have been here a long time.”

“More than them?” Erwin asks automatically. 

“I ask now, no?” 

“Oh. Yes, right. Shoot then.”

“Do- do you like your dad?” 

“Yes, I do.” Erwin replies fast thinking of the most obvious answer to a question he doesn’t want to think about. He likes his dad but that doesn’t mean sometimes he would like for him to be different, to behave differently with him. Sometimes when all he wants is a hug all he gets are serious words he never asked for. But he’s grown over that by now, it doesn’t matter that much anymore. Levi only nods hiding the look on his eyes, glancing away. 

“So how long have you been here for?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t remember.” Levi specifies. “Your mom?” He asks, keeping in mind his last question. 

“My mom was amazing and yes, I loved her very much.” Erwin sighs and thinks about his mother’s smile, her bad jokes and her beautiful laughter echoing in the kitchen in the early mornings. Levi’s gaze turns to him again and his eyes widen worried as he probably realizes that mentioning his dead mother has only made Erwin sad. 

“What about your parents? What happened to them?” Levi’s eyes widen more. “... you must have parents, right?” 

“I don’t remember a lot. I know I have- had a mom. I don’t think I have a dad.” The little boy voice comes out just as little, insecure and shy. 

“Everyone has a mom and a dad. Maybe you don’t remember about him, or don’t know who he is, but you have a dad somewhere.” Levi seems relieved, even though it seems to Erwin there’s something else he would like to say but doesn’t. He doesn’t feel like pushing and waits patiently for Levi’s turn while thinking about how Levi must feel without parents at all. He only half understands, but he also knows he could never be able to understand what Levi is and has gone through at all. Their lives are too different, too far away from each others. 

“Where do you live?” Levi tries to change the subject. 

“Just outside the forest actually, it takes me fifteen minutes to get here usually. My house isn’t very big but I like it.” 

“What do you remember about your mom?” Erwin asks keeping the game going. 

“I remember she liked tea. I remember her hair.” 

“That’s it?” The blond voice unintentionally sounds disappointed at Levi’s answer.

“I think I remember her voice. I tell you I don’t remember.” Levi says, disappointed in himself too for not recalling his mother and his memories of her. 

“It’s all right.” Erwin apologizes quickly, tries to anyway and waits. 

“Do you like tea?” Levi’s sudden and amusingly eager question makes him giggle quietly. 

“I guess I do. Tea is not bad, no.” Levi seems very relieved, a lot more than before, and Erwin wonders whether the beverage is that important to him for the taste of for the memory it holds. 

“What about Isabel and Farlan? Who are them to you? When did you all meet?” That’s more than just a question but Levi doesn’t seem to notice, or mind it. 

“Isabel and Farlan are my family. I need to-” 

“What?” 

“Safe. I need to- them, safe.” 

“Oh, you need to keep them safe. Is that what you want to say?” 

“Yes. Yes I need to keep them safe, I protect them.” Then he continues. “I don’t remember about Farlan. Isabel is new.”

“What do you mean, new? How long has she been with you?” Erwin helps him out knowing Levi still isn’t too good at verbs. 

“I don’t know, three years. Maybe. She is family.” Levi asserts serious, sounding slightly protective. 

“You love them very much, don’t you?” Levi looks disoriented for a moment and Erwin remembers he probably doesn’t know what love means. Either the word or the whole concept. He’s about to tell him when he gets interrupted by the other’s serious voice.

“You still go hunt with your dad?” Erwin’s eyes widen in surprise and hurt. His heart skips a heavy bit as guilt surges from the horrible memories that quickly add up in his mind, making him sick. 

“Levi.” He replies gravely. 

“Answer.” 

“No. No I don’t and as far as I know my dad hasn’t gone hunting in months too. Please don’t worry about that.” 

“I have to.” For Farlan and Isabel, because he has to protect them. Why him, though? He’s still so young to have such responsibilities. It’s unfair, Erwin thinks. 

“Why do you ask me that?” There’s something more Levi is not telling him this time too. 

“Nothing.” 

“No, come on. Consider it my official question. For the game.” He ends seeing Levi getting upset.

“Your father isn’t the only one.” 

“The only one? The only hunter, you mean? Well I guess he’s not, but that’s normal.” Erwin frowns confused as a weird feeling crawls up his back making him feel uncomfortable and almost afraid. He doesn’t know what Levi is talking about but it doesn’t sound like just hunters.

“There are people that find us. No, not find. They want us?” 

“You mean some hunters specifically look for you? Are you telling me there are people out there who want to kill you?” Erwin sits up as his voice goes up an octave and his blue eyes worry over Levi’s straight face. 

“Not kill us.” 

“Well it sounds like it.” 

“I don’t know what they want. I only know I need to protect Farlan and Isabel.” 

“But are  _ you _ safe? Who protects you?” 

Levi raises his hands while still lying down and stares at him as if the answer to that question was obvious.  

“Why do hunters come after you, though? What have you done?” The little boy lifts himself up leaning on his elbow to support the weight of his thin body and half shrugs with one shoulder again, looking away from Erwin.

“It’s always like this. Since I was very little.” 

“You have to be careful.” Erwin states the obvious and Levi rolls his eyes.

“I know already.” 

“Isn’t there really anyone out there who looks out for you? You’re all just children.” Curiosity finally starts to emerge after weeks spent trying not to ask too many questions, but there are things Erwin has always wanted to know and he finally has the chance to know more. Or so he thinks, because Levi suddenly looks annoyed and it’s clear all over his face that he doesn’t want to talk about it. That there are too many things he can’t say or doesn’t want to. 

“I don’t like this game anymore.” Levi sighs crucially, even though they weren’t even playing anymore. No more questions, that’s what he really means by that. 

Erwin sighs too and lets himself crash on the ground again.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” Erwin lies to make Levi feel better, safer around him. He’s still careful about breaking his trust, always worried about Levi getting up and leaving him as if they never met. Levi stays though, as always and nods closing his eyes and relaxing next to him. 

Levi’s life must be a sad and tragic one, he thinks while thinking about everything he’s learned about him already. In his mind memories of lost pieces of short conversations and strange behaviours start summing up. They create an image in his head he would love if they were talking about a hero of a story at his beginnings, ready to avenge his dramatic background in the time to come. Yet Levi’s childhood isn’t a story and nothing can reassure him of a bright, fair future. 

Erwin silently promises him that he would do anything to give him the life he truly deserves. 

“We can just lay here for a while, it’s fine. I can forget about my stupid classmates and you can forget about every cruel person out there. The world doesn’t need to be awful here.” Erwin comforts him while also closing his concerned eyes and letting his mind fly away from every worry and blue thought. 

The sun moves as soft minutes go by and a light shadow rests on them. The air gets just a bit colder and Erwin shakes for the sudden cold, letting his body adjust to the cool temperature. He turns his head and spies Levi with the corner of his eye but there is nothing to see as the other boy is still lying motionless next to him. Erwin’s gaze falls from Levi’s pale throat to his tiny swelling chest, counting the number of breaths he slowly takes. Strangely, it makes Levi look more alive than Erwin’s ever seen him be. 

Seeing him comfortable like that should soothe him, but all he feels is guilt. He starts thinking of a better way to comfort him other than simple useless words, he tries to remember what his parents would do in that case. 

With doubt, but still confident enough, he lays his hand over Levi’s very close one. 

“I’m sorry for making you play that game, I know you didn’t like it that much. I’m not used to having friends.” He panics, wondering if that was the right thing to say after all the time he had spent over thinking about their friendship; wondering if Levi’s utter lack of reaction from the touch was either a good or bad sign. "Not that, you know, I'm assuming that we're umm-" 

“I’m your friend.” Levi turns to lock his silver honest eyes with his and everything in the world falls into place. For just one moment Erwin can say to be the happiest kid alive, as Levi moves his hand and safely squeezes his own back. That happens to be the first time Levi consciously touches him too, Erwin proudly realizes. 

Another silence falls over them and Erwin blinks with eyes wide open for the surprise the words cause in him. He’s not sure he has ever had any friend, at least until now. Levi is his friend and now it’s true. It’s not a dream or a fantasy, Erwin is not alone. His look softens and he smiles at his friend, his mind rushing to find something nice to say in return. 

“By the way, I like your eyebrows too. They look funny.” Of course, that’s the best and only thing that comes to his mind. Levi approves with an amused frown and a fond but still surprised radiance in his eyes.

 

***

 

With a hopeful heart and a bright new spark of trust and happiness, Erwin starts glowing in a different special light whenever he is around Levi or, really, anyone else. When alone too, finding that not even that bothers him anymore. It’s a new kind of feeling but certainly he doesn’t complain about it. His normal childish energy rises up to overwhelming excitement about every little thing. From the random new fact learned at school about plants to Levi managing to keep up a conversation for ten full minutes without making any mistake.

Even their stories get better, more interesting and definitely more adventurous. Erwin lets his imagination ride away through far away mountains painted in the colors of the rainbow,  impossible tiny and malevolent villains and freaky heroes that sound like monsters but save the universe instead, while Levi happily asks too many questions and never stops stuttering out suggestions and ideas, related to the protagonist's companions most of the time .  

Of course Erwin never stops bringing more and more books to their meetings. Making up their own stories doesn't mean interrupting their usual reading tradition. Levi doesn’t complain anymore about the lessons; he becomes surprisingly compliant. He repeats, he mimics, he learns and surely he gets better day after day making Erwin proud and himself a little bit more educated. 

He doesn’t only bring books, but food too. He has learned that trying and cook something alone isn’t a good decision so he starts making Levi taste new things. He makes him eat bread and cheese again, this time dry and with much more calm and less hunger from Levi’s part. Another day he tries with some vegetables. He hands Levi a bright red tomato and some carrots he’s stolen from his kitchen but the other boy only looks at him, especially disgusted with the carrots. 

“Okay, so I imagine this is not really your thing. That’s okay.” Erwin jokes that day and pretends not to be a tiny bit scared by Levi’s grim stare during the whole episode. 

When he tries with fruits things go better. Levi happens to love apples and cherries, although when he tries to eat an old tangerine he almost spits in Erwin’s face, making the most absurd face ever while experiencing the sweet sour of citrus. 

Unluckily Erwin can’t bring him already cooked stuff claiming that it would taste bad anyway, but one day he does bring him biscuits. Actual biscuits these times, cooked especially for him by a lovely old lady friends with his dad who's always had a soft spot for him and his bright blue eyes. She says they remind her of her dead husband. Erwin was never flattered by the whole thing but the cookies come in handy this time. 

Naturally when Levi sees them he immediately steps back shaking his head hard and clear. He makes Erwin understand he doesn’t want to have anything to do with them at all. Erwin laughs at his shocked reaction, still half-offended because he had actually put a lot of effort and heart into making his own ones. 

“Come on, try them!” He insists after five whole minutes spent trying to convince Levi those aren’t the same biscuits he had first tasted a few weeks before. He reassures him that they are in fact edible and also pretty good. The old lady might have been weird but she definitely knew how to cook her cookies. 

“No.”  

“Levi, they are not poisoned. Or burned, or whatever was wrong with the ones I made. I promise, don’t you trust me?” Erwin goes for the puppy eyes and little cute pout technique known for working at its best every time he has something important to ask his dad for. He’s not sure it works with Levi, who only narrows his eyes in even more suspicion. 

“All right, all right!” Erwin gives up after a short dense staring contest. He lifts his arms up in exasperation before starting to pack the cookies back up. 

“Wait.” Levi stretches his arm out to stop Erwin’s movements. The blond looks up at him and raises his eyebrows skeptically, defiance drawn all over his face, as if he was expecting exactly for that to happen. As if he knew what Levi would have done, and he did. “You eat it first.” 

“Oh.” He smirks and nods agreeing to the reasonable request. He brings a cookie to his mouth and bites into it with making it sound crunchy between his white teeth. He moans grossly just to let Levi know just how good the sweet tastes. A giggle rises up his throat as he sees Levi’s mouth open and his face change from suspicious and annoyed to utterly caught by Erwin’s evident enjoyment. 

“Mmh, Levi you don’t know what you’re missing out really.” He teases him, giving in to a genuine laughter after finishing the last morsel of the biscuit. Levi sighs, probably even more annoyed than before and gives up asking Erwin for one of the cookies. 

Eventually, he ends up eating all of them. He loves them. And he doesn’t bother about leaving some for Erwin at all.  _ Thanks a lot. _ Erwin thinks but on the outside he just ends up grinning at his insatiable, unbelievable friend. 

After that and a couple of other experiments with food Erwin starts to run out of things for Levi to try, even though the boy keeps asking for more and more. The older child tries to please him as best as he can and, luckily, that alone seems to be enough for Levi. 

“So what is it that you normally eat anyway?” Erwin asks one day, surprised he’s never thought about that before. Sometimes Levi’s beautiful and mysterious aura takes too much space in his eyes and mind that he forgets to wonder about the most normal things. 

“Sometimes fruits, plants we know we can eat.” 

“Other animals.” Levi replies without batting an eye. If Erwin thinks about it it’s the obvious answer. And it’s not like he doesn’t eat animals too, but he immediately imagines there has to be a big difference between how Erwin usually finds his steak ready on the table and what Levi has to do to just get the meat. 

“Do you…?” 

“Kill them? Of course.” Levi looks at him from where he’s seated, right in front of him with his legs crossed and relaxed shoulders. He tilts his head and presses his lips with a slight frown. “Your people do it, too.” 

“My people? You mean hunters?” Levi nods. 

“Well, you aren’t wrong.” 

Levi shrugs. He leaves the subject alone giving Erwin that disturbing half human, half animal-like look he sometimes finds himself thinking about in the middle of the night wondering if he truly knows anything about Levi and his life at all. Obviously he doesn’t, but the realization hits him sometimes and he’s not sure how to feel about it. 

He knows Levi enough, yes. He knows what kind of stories he likes and that he enjoys strawberries more than raw potatoes. He knows Levi’s always going to be there -or hopes so- every day at the same hour. He knows he has Farlan and Isabel and he knows he’s extremely protective of them, as he is of him too. He had shown that several times, even if only for warning him about tripping over a sticking out rock. He knows Levi has said that he was his friend, and Erwin has plenty of proofs of that too. 

But there are also days when Levi is not any of those things. Sometimes, mostly on bad days he still can’t tell apart because he has no idea what causes them and he surely can’t ask, Erwin looks at him and all he can see are blank eyes. Eyes that mirror only wild and savage instincts in them. And it’s terrifying. 

When that happens their day concludes either with Levi silently walking away without a word or with a sudden change in Levi’s behaviour. A quick sorry and a long conversation about all and nothing to make them both forget about it. 

But Erwin knows the other boy cares, he knows there is still a wide human side in him they can both turn to.

 

Another time Erwin decides it’s finally time for Levi to look at himself and he brings him a mirror. The idea hits him one night when he gets definitely bored since sleep doesn't come. He decides to go through his dad’s old stuff that he knows the old man keeps in a box hidden somewhere in the house. He finds some books, a uniform, his mom’s beautiful but still very simple wedding ring and finally an old ruined mirror circled by a wooden frame. It doesn’t show the clearest reflection but he guesses that can do. 

When they meet he doesn’t show Levi the mirror right away, letting them settle quietly under a tree with a book and a piece of old bread he’s brought along. After several minutes he decides Levi might be ready and he tells him to close his eyes, because he has a surprise for him. Levi asks me what surprise means but Erwin just shushes him off convincing him not to look. Levi complies.

“Here, open theme.” Erwin has moved right in front of Levi while on his knees, with his arms up raising the mirror aligned with the other boy’s face. 

Levi opens his eyes and gasps loudly as soon as he sees himself reflected in the magical glass. When the first rush of shock leaves him he lifts a hand and touches the mirror, touches his face in it, and spreads his fingers over it. His eyes widen and the silver in them shines as he comes to realize what is it that he’s looking at. 

“Do you like it?” Erwin asks cheerfully, happy to find Levi so already curious about it. “Or should I say, do you like yourself?” He grins when Levi frowns deeply moving his stare from himself to Erwin just for a quick second, confused about his question. 

He leans in with his head to see himself better and Erwin notices how Levi slowly discovers every tiny part of his face. He observes his gaze going from the same own eyes, to his nose, to his flying hair, to his mouth. He tries and opens it letting his lips stretch to look at his teeth. The frown never leaves his expression as he adds a detail about his face after the other seeming overall satisfied. Erwin wonders what his own reaction would be if he had to see himself for the first time, and what it would be like if he had to find out he looks as beautiful as Levi does. 

Levi withdraws and keeps still in front of the mirror. Erwin’s enthusiasm starts fading out as Levi’s eyebrows stop furrowing. His face starts resembling the one he usually has when his human side separates from him. Anxiety rises in him, and Levi keeps staring at himself with a blank look in his delicate eyes that shows firstly fear and then annoyance, anger. 

Erwin opens his mouth as to say something but stops midway, still from behind the mirror where Levi can’t fully see him. Not that he would notice him anyway, concentrated as he is to observe him and himself only. It's as if he was the last person on earth and there was no one left but his own image to keep him company, an unpleasant kind of it though. Levi’s eyes slowly narrow and his jaw clenches sharpening his thin features. His cheeks flush, but not in embarrassment and his lips press hard together. His eyes start flying up and down like unstoppable tiny balls until he finally crashes. With a strong jerk moves his arm and breaks the mirror in hundreds of little shiny pieces with a single punch. 

Erwin startles and jumps back looking first at the broken mirror in his hands and then straight at Levi. He's panting. He has seated back with his head squeezed tight in his hands, pulling his dark hair while moving forward and backward as mad person. Without Erwin even realizing it, he screams silent words. Sounds the older child doesn’t understand. 

Erwin lets go of the mirror letting it drop to the ground, pushing it away. He crawls closer to Levi’s shut figure, hoping not to scare him. And he doesn’t, because when Levi looks up suddenly aware of Erwin’s presence his eyes have everything in them but fear. Colored of a reddish inhuman white they look feral, like the ones of a wild animal, like the ones of a boy who had never seen Erwin and was ready to attack any time, enjoying it too. Erwin freezes on the spot and forgets how to breathe, being the afraid one now. 

He feels his hands shake intensely and an even more worrying thought hits him. A feeling that causes him to go pale, to somewhat smirk unconsciously despite the situation. The fear is only superficial. What he feels is deep curiosity, fascination. It proliferates through his whole body like powerful venom in front of this Levi’s wild and once again new side. 

As soon as Erwin regains his sense, shaking his head hard enough to scroll the weird feeling off, he wonders if he should be worried about himself, more than for Levi. But then Levi calms down too. His eyes soften and his face turns back to his usual one and the tension is gone and the blond doesn’t have the time to think about any of that anymore. 

“Are you okay?” He asks Levi, feeling stupid for such a dumb question but the boy nods looking comforted by the question itself only. 

“I’m sorry.” Apologizing seems the right thing to do, seems like something a good person would do. “I had no idea- I didn’t know you would-” Erwin doesn’t know how to put it and luckily for him Levi interrupts him before he could say anything too inappropriate. 

“Shut up.” Levi snaps even though his voice sounds kinder than his words. Erwin smiles and giggles half exasperated half incredulously amused by what had just happened between them. 

In the end they both forget about it, or at least Erwin tells himself that.

 

***

 

“You have to go.” Levi says while getting up quickly and waiting for Erwin to do the same. “See you tomorrow. Bye.” The dark haired boy says goodbye to him, as he has taught him, and starts walking off to get back to his green forest. Erwin stops him.

“Wait!” He yells, startling both Levi and himself. He clears his throat and repeats the word with less energy and more kindness, and calm.

“Can you… could you come tonight? Here, I mean.” He asks feeling his cheeks warming up, not sure where the sudden shyness is coming from. Levi tilts his head slightly, with his usual confused face.

“Tonight? Without the sun?”

“Yes, yes that’s what night means at least. So, will you be here?”

Levi takes his time and seems to think about it carefully while Erwin sighs, already giving up about the whole thing certain that he’s going to refuse. “When?”

The reply surprises Erwin. He was expecting rejection rather than an excited question about the possible encounter details.

“Is two o’clock fine?” He asks raising his eyebrows while grinning.

“What happens then?”

“At two o’clock?” Levi hums and waits for Erwin to explain. “Nothing actually  _ happens  _ at that hour but I think it’s going to be dark enough.” Levi frowns.

“For what?”

“You’ll see.” Erwin smirks and starts pacing backwards to head home. 

“Then I guess I’ll see you later!” He runs off without leaving Levi the time to reply and agree, almost afraid that he would change his mind, as his heart beats fast and loud in excitement. It almost feels exactly like the kind of excitement he had felt the first days spent with Levi. He hopes everything will be fine.

When he arrives as the glade in the middle of the night a rush of relief overwhelms him. Levi is already there, leaning slim against a tree with his eyes closed and his arms crossed behind his head. He looks relaxed, peaceful and when he opens his eyes to look at Erwin he notices that he doesn’t even seem sleepy at all. It’s like always, Erwin thinks, even though there is something else about him he can’t quite describe yet. Levi seems older, wiser. Maybe it’s just an illusion caused by the moonlight piercing through the night as it rests over Levi’s candid face. 

“You’re here.” Erwin can’t help but to state the obvious. Levi comes away from the big dark tree and walks confident towards Erwin. When their gazes lock a flare shines in the dark of Levi’s eyes, and for a clear moment Erwin wonders if Levi is actually able to see at night, if his eyes work like the ones of a cat. They certainly remind him of it. 

“Yes.” His voice sounds worried, as if he what he really wanted to say was  _ shouldn’t I be?  _ But Erwin reassures him with a quick smile. 

“How you come- came. It’s dark, can you see?” Levi finds the words and asks Erwin, suddenly wondering how the boy could manage to get through a whole part of the forest without getting lost. Erwin blushes -grateful for the dark because it would have been embarrassing if Levi had seen that- and asks himself the same thing. 

“Oh, well, not really. I mean I can’t see that well but I know the path well enough by now! I have come here every day for months, haven’t I?” He awkwardly giggles the end of his sentence avoiding eye contact with the other. It’s not entirely a lie, but it’s also true that he had purposely sneaked out of his house two hours early knowing he would have gotten at least a bit lost. 

As if trying not to wake his father while going out and finding the glade wasn’t hard enough. Another thing he doesn’t tell Levi is how much fear he had felt in the meantime. How he had turned his head at every noise and jumped at every animal’s call. He hopes Levi doesn’t notice the general alarm in his eyes and pretends to be the same brave kid as always. Or the one he is in his brightest fantasies anyway.

Despite the panic Erwin feels extremely excited and, of course, happy to find Levi there and to be with him.

“Okay.” Levi replies, sounding quite cynical too but Erwin pretends not to hear the sarcasm in the tone of his voice. “What now? What do you want to do?”

“I want you to come with me.” 

“What?” A slight hint of worried surprise resonates in Levi’s voice. 

“Where? For- for how long? I can’t leave. Erwin what are we doing? What were you thinking?” The alarm in his voice is clear. Levi starts asking quick anxious questions one after the other until Erwin takes his cold hand without any warning and squeezes it hard under his. 

“Don’t worry.” And then, without letting go of his hand, Erwin starts walking fast outside their usual spot towards the beginning of the forest, trying to find the path he has just walked along to get there. He can hear the soft sound of Levi’s bare feet against the ground and his quick breath turning calmer after several silent minutes. 

“You know where you are going?” Levi asks eventually as the grip of Erwin’s hand loosens. Erwin jumps startled by his voice and turns around to look at him with a sorry expression and a fake smile. Levi raises his eyebrows waiting for an answer. When it doesn’t come he simply rolls his eyes and twists his thin lips in the dark of the night. 

“Erwin, tell me. I can take you where you want.” 

“But Levi!” Erwin suddenly drops his half confident act and whines, piercing through the silence of the woods. “If I tell you it won’t be a surprise anymore. I didn’t mean to get lost, again.” He whispers the last word making sure Levi doesn not to hear it, even though he does and only gets more impatient. 

“Tell me. I can’t stay too long.” Listening to these last words fills Erwin with momentary disappointment, taking it as a rejection. He shakes his head and tries not to let the unwanted feeling gets to him. Instead he decides that’s just one reason more to make the best out of this night. 

“Fine. I was going to take you just outside the forest.” 

“Oh.” 

“It’s safe there, you don’t have to worry. And we won’t be staying too long if that’s what you want. Can you take us there?” 

“I think.” 

“You think? Well I hope so because I have no idea where I am and-”

“I can.” Levi cuts him off and grips tight at Erwin’s shaking hand, still intertwined with his. 

“Let’s go.” If Levi keeps holding onto him like that, there’s no way Erwin is letting go. It feels safe, and he trusts him. And so Levi leads the way. 

It takes a while for Levi to realize which is the better path to take, what trails to avoid and what to follow but eventually they get to a clearer part of the forest and Erwin sighs of great relief as soon as he notices the trees getting more distant from one another, letting the night illuminate their road towards the limit of the thick forest. 

They are about to emerge completely from the darkness of it when Levi stops. He pulls Erwin back, who hasn’t stopped walking ahead, nearly making the boy fall over dragging Levi down with him.  

Erwin balances his small body back in place and stares at Levi, tilting his head. “What?” He tries to walk again but Levi’s hand keeps him in place, and even though he could just pull it away he doesn’t. Because it feels warm now, because Levi seems almost scared of keep going. 

“Levi, what is it?” He speaks gently, rubbing his thumb over the back of Levi’s hand once in a gesture of instinctive comfort. “Do you want to go back?” 

“No. Yes.” He shakes his head and mumbles some other word Erwin doesn’t catch.  _ Never been outside,  _ he’s probably saying but he’s not sure. 

“Do you trust me?” Erwin is not sure whether asking that is a good idea or not but it sounds natural and honest. When Levi looks up at him it’s like he wasn’t waiting for anything else but for being given the chance to answer that.  

He breathes in deeply and straightens his back, taking a step forward, readying himself with a new kind of courage. “Yes.” He nods.

“Good, because you’re not going to regret it.”  

Erwin jokes and hides the effect that single, simple word manages to have on him. Levi trusts him and it feels like he’s going to explode from happiness. He thinks about the first time Levi had told him he was his friend and smiles, then he thinks about what Levi’s just told him and he grins and turns red. Trust means a lot to Levi, and he’s happy to have it. Happy to reciprocate too, because he would trust the little boy till the end of the world without a single doubt.

A few more steps until they finally step out of the woods, leaving even the last tall tree behind them. Levi has closed his eyes. When Erwin notices he squeezes Levi’s hand one last time, before finally letting go. Levi gasps when the soothing touch leaves him alone, his eyes still closed like a baby scared of the dark, but in this case quite the opposite of it. 

“Open your eyes Levi.” Levi does after a second of hesitation, but they fix on Erwin. 

He smiles. “Come on, look up.” He tilts his head up, admiring what he has already seen hundreds of lonely nights. Then he lets his look rests on Levi’s face as the boy takes a brave step forward and eventually does as instructed. 

Levi’s reaction is priceless. The world spins around and when his gaze encounters the infinite sky above him his pale face glows in the dark of the night. His eyebrows raise up high and his mouth opens and tilts up in absolute wonder. Bright stars collide and melt in his eyes, sparkling up silver constellations in his irises, making them open widely. Moonlight colours his skin, reflecting its peaceful beauty on it. It matches perfectly with Levi’s face. 

Erwin doesn’t have to try very hard to imagine what the boy is feeling, no matter how many times he has looked up at the same sky on top of the both us. The awe in Levi’s luminous expression is enough to confirm Erwin’s earlier deductions. Levi has never seen the night sky as clear and as vast as it is now and the most he’s ever gotten was only pieces of it through empty small spaces in the forest, like their glade. 

But it’s not the same. And somehow, when Erwin’s eyes finally leave Levi’s radiant face, that night it feels different for him too. He breathes in letting the free air filling his lungs and his eyes sets over the world ahead of him. There is nothing around them, only calm nature and the gloom forest, but there is everything just a step higher. 

Every answer to every question ever asked. Every doubt about life vanishes as the velvet sky overwhelms them both. A gleaming harmony of cobalt and scarlet and violet drowns in their eyes and it’s as if the universe is trying to share all of its secrets, making them feel so small and yet special. 

He feels like a giant next to Levi though, who is still deeply caught in the stars’ breathtaking grace. When he glares at him again Erwin looks at him as if he were the one and only star in the sky. 

“Do you like it?” He asks with a low voice daring to break the silence. 

“I-” 

“Look, a shooting star!” Erwin interrupts him distracted by a star burning through the dark blue sky. “You should make a wish.” 

“A what?” Levi asks still looking up.

“A wish. When you see a falling star you’re supposed to wish for something. Make a wish.” He grins as he waits for Levi to understand. 

“I want to-”

“No, stop!” Erwin laughs a lovely giggle. “You can’t say it out loud.”

“Why?”

“Because if you do the wish doesn’t come true.” 

“Oh.” Levi looks at Erwin with a puzzled look, and then goes back up. 

“Did you wish your wish?” He hears Erwin giggling louder, happily.

“I did, yes.”  _ I wish for Levi and I to be friends forever,  _ he has thought. 

“Come on, let’s sit down.”

They spend several minutes talking about what they see among the stars. They make up stories about a lonely space hero who discovers about shining animals flying through the sky pretending to be shooting stars; who fights in the darkest part of the galaxy where the most frightening monsters live ready to cut his head off. They mourn the hero and laugh at the beastly demon when they realize how their beloved protagonist has only faked his death to take the most epic revenge against it.

They make him dance with the moon, that during the day becomes a beautiful woman with marble skin and the whitest hair. They make him rest and relax along a river made of stars. And then they remember, remember about the legend of the Milky Way they had read days before. 

Their amazed eyes fly over the only stripe of bright and shimmering stars that reminds them of the flowing silver river the know about.

“That must be the milky way.” Erwin says with a proud smile. 

“It doesn’t look sad. I thought it was sad.” Levi says remembering what he had felt after reading the story about the young handsome man and the princess who could never see each other if not once a year. 

He turns to see Erwin only to find him already looking back, grinning widely. Deep blue eyes burning with warmth and affection all meant for the little boy. 

“You always do it.” Erwin’s grin drops enough to leave place to a confused smile. He frowns his peculiar blond eyebrows. 

“I always do what?” 

“That.” Levi points at his mouth without hesitation. Erwin’s hand go over it and touches it. 

“What? Do I have something on my face?” He says but his smile doesn’t go away. He can’t explain it but there’s something happening inside him, something the night, the stars, that Levi make him feel that he can’t quite contain and that keeps him beaming like an idiot. A happy idiot. 

Levi shakes his head and points again. “No, that.” Erwin thinks he knows what he’s talking about so he stops smiling. 

“What about now?” He asks with an unusual straight face. 

“Now nothing.” 

Erwin grins again. “Now?” 

“Yes! Yes, what is that? Why you always-”

“Smile?” Erwin’s smile grows fonder as he tilts his head and looks at Levi’s pretty and unaware face. “That’s called smiling.” Something, he recalls now, he’s still never seen Levi do, not even in their happiest moment. 

“I don’t understand.” Levi says. 

“I don’t think there is much to understand. Smiling is natural, you know.” 

“Natural?” 

“Yes, like instinct. Well, not always I guess. I saw a lot of adults smiling but none of them ever means it, it’s kinda sad.”

“When do you… smile?” Erwin’s sky blue eyes soften as he think about his reply. 

“When I’m happy.”  _ When I’m with you,  _ he thinks unconsciously. He shares one of his most honest smiles with Levi, one that feels like looking at a brighting star and steals all of the other boy’s attention. 

Levi stares and narrows his eyes, focused as if about to do something of vital importance. Erwin stares back until he realizes what Levi’s trying to do, trying to simulate. Levi’s lips, tinted with the pale colour of the moonlight, slowly, hesitantly twitch up and, as his eyes keep steady and concentrated, his lower part of his face turns into the most ungraceful grimace Erwin has ever seen in his life. Levi is trying to smile, only he’s trying too hard. 

And Erwin laughs, he laughs so hard his amused laughter echoes through the night as a lovely thunder. A laughter that bursts out with such energy he needs to look away and bend over, trying to remember to breathe while quiet tears wet the corners of his squinted eyes. 

When he recovers enough to look back at Levi, after drying his eyes and regaining a normal breath pace, he notices how serious the other boy is and how he’s the only one laughing there. Levi sits there staring at him with narrow menacing eyes and crossed arms, offended by Erwin’s reaction. 

“Oh, Levi. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-” A low giggle crawls up and leaves his apologizing mouth. He’s trying so hard to keep his lips still, but the more he looks at Levi the more he remembers his previous absurd expression. “I’m sorry it’s just that you looked-” And then his body gives up. 

“It’s just that you looked so funny.” Another enthusiastic laughter pierce through the air. 

But then something else happens. Something that shocks Erwin completely as he keeps laughing half panting half gaping with blatant surprise. Levi is following him. Levi is laughing along with him and it’s not fake, not an imitation of the blond’s actions. Instead it only sounds so pure and natural Erwin wonders why was the small boy so confused before.   

Levi laughs and Erwin knows it’s something he’ll never forget. His laughter paints the sweetest smile on his face and it flows out soft and perfect. He doesn’t grunt or hiccup through it, it only sounds as if the stars were singing and the dim darkness of the night turned suddenly into sunlight. It sounds like magic and Erwin wishes for Levi to never stop laughing.  

“Levi, I can’t believe you’re laughing!” He states in between gentle giggles now as Levi does the very same. 

“It’s so weird.” The little boy says but the beautiful smile is still there, and Erwin is grateful. 

They stare at each other for a few more seconds, Levi with a bright new color in his eyes and Erwin thinking that that is all happening because of him. He made Levi laugh, he made him happy and it doesn’t matter if the sure feeling of it will only last for a night. 

As they turn their heads up again to look at the night sky their laughter eventually stop. Their faces straighten and they decide to sit there for a while more, observing the beauty of all there is upon them. 

Erwin’s heart tells him not to worry about the universe, for he has finally found his place in it, right next to Levi. 

 

***

 

Classmates at school don’t stop making fun of Erwin, but he doesn’t care. 

They still don’t believe him, but he doesn't care. The less they know about Levi the better. 

Days go on fast, without worries and the sun keeps shining over Erwin’s face every afternoon during the time he spends with Levi. And when he gets home dinner with his father becomes a peaceful quiet moment. 

His father is not too happy about him spending everyday out, especially since he has no idea where Erwin goes and the boy doesn’t tell me, but he doesn’t care. He wouldn’t give up on their friendship only to make his dad feel better, he knows there’s nothing to worry about. 

The world starts spinning in the right away, until morning lessons at school become somehow confusing to Erwin and his dad decides that it’s time to talk. Because Erwin is asking too many questions, during class too; because he wants to know things his father cannot genuinely answer to in public. Erwin is growing up to be just as curious as his dad is known for. 

That evening the older man makes him sit down and talks to him about titans, about schoolbooks and theories Erwin is surprised to hear. He talks to him about the truth, or what he believes to be that. Erwin believes him too, what kind of child wouldn’t hang off his worshipped father’s words? 

It’s not the first time his father shares secrets with him, but it is the first time he makes sure not to leave any detail apart. The first time Erwin’s doubts about the stories he always hears from him, told in bits and pieces, can afford to disappear. 

When his father stops talking Erwin stays silent and nods. The man asks him not to talk about this with anyone else, not even his friends. He makes him promise, and Erwin nods again.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i'm sorry for all the mistakes that there might be!!!! but i hope you all liked this chapter anyway :3


	5. Chapter 5

Seasons change again. The peaceful spring turns into a pleasant hot summer that paints the world in bright colours, which fill the two boys’ eyes with marvel and joy. Erwin doesn’t have to go to school anymore and can finally spend more time with Levi. Most days though they don’t even play or read because it’s too hot outside. They just lie in the shadow of a big tree and wait for the cooler breeze of the later afternoon to bring them relief.

Erwin makes Levi taste more fruits, like apricots and peaches but Levi doesn’t seem too impressed. Erwin understands why as soon as the little boy makes him try some unknown fruits he knows that grow in the forest and taste like gods’ food. They try new things and share a couple of nights more watching the stars until Erwin asks for more.

One morning they’re sitting in the middle of their glade while Levi tries to name as many insects as he can, when Erwin interrupts him, being the bored one of their usual lessons for the very first time.

“Levi it’s not fair!” He complains, with a loud whine.

“Eh?” The other boy raises his eyebrows, his mouth slightly open.

“We always stay here.” Erwin pouts. Levi’s eyes narrow, aware of the weird and unexpected behaviour of the blond.

“I mean I showed you the stars outside the forest..” He continues mumbling.

“You want to go far?” Levi tries.

“I don’t want to go far, Levi. I just want to explore the woods a bit but we never do that because every time I ask you to show me around you say no. Why do you say no, anyway?”

“Dangerous.”

“Oh come on, it can’t possibly be dangerous everywhere. Plus I bet you know the way, you must know so many places around here that are safe enough so stop avoiding this.” Erwin doesn’t know why is it that today he’s so impatient and eager to do more -or anything at all really. He ends up blaming the heath and the boredom coming with it.

“But Erwin-”

“Levi, stop. Seriously you are way too responsible and protective it’s annoying sometimes. I’m supposed to be the mature one here, or at least that’s what everyone always says I am. But it’s summer! And we are only kids we are not supposed to be responsible. Levi, we are supposed to have fun while it lasts.” Erwin’s words sound kind of rushed and forced but the last ones have a sad taste in them. _While it lasts,_ as if Erwin knew for sure that things were going to be terrible once a grown-up.

“I don’t like you today.” Levi says seriously, crossing his arms and looking at Erwin as to scold him. Erwin rolls his eyes and pushes Levi to the side playfully, but not without a thin layer of veiled exasperation.

“You’re not the first person who doesn’t, anyway.” He adds, hiding a sneaky smile as he bends his head down and starts counting down the seconds that would take Levi to feel guilty about his remark.

Five, four, three, tw-

“I am not like other person. I don’t mean- sorry.” Levi tries to apologize, just like Erwin had predicted, but he’s soon forgiven. The older child knew already that he wasn’t being mean on purpose or anything like that. In fact Erwin’s previous energy comes back in the blink of an eye while he raises his head back up and grins at Levi.

“You know what? I can have fun alone too, nothing can stop me from exploring on my own.” He says proud and stands up in a quick jerk, placing his hands on his hips and lifting his chin as he looks down at Levi.

“What?”  

“I’m going, Levi. It’s summer and the forest looks beautiful and I want to see new things already. So I’m going.” He doesn’t even bother looking back. He starts pacing towards the limits of the glade, ready to walk away through the trees.

As he walks, slowly enough to give Levi time to change his mind, he hears a loud sigh. The sound of the other boy shifting and standing up nimbly. With his back still turned on him Erwin smiles.

“Where?” Levi asks copying and assuming the same cocky position Erwin had just moments ago, hands on his hips and head tilted up with confidence. Erwin turns around to face him and has to force himself not to laugh at the unexpected view.

“Wherever, the forest is big enough. I’ll just go.. that way!” He says pointing out a random tree in front of him. Levi follows his finger and shakes his head.

“No.” Erwin gasps lightly as he realizes that’s the first time Levi said that word to him. The first time he’s not agreeing to something he wants to do, not even after a bit of expected and convincing begging.

“Why not?”

“Or yes, if you want to die.”

“What?” Erwin asks alarmed.

“Wolves are not far if you go there. They aren’t… good.” Erwin’s eyes widen, half amazed by the ideas of wild wolves living so near and half terrified about going back to the forest ever again. But he doesn’t let his pride fall. In the back of his mind he wonders what really is his problem today, why he’s being so difficult. He shrugs the thought away and tries again.

“Then I’ll go that way.” He points at a completely different part of the glade.

“And then?”

“What do you mean, then? Then I’ll keep going until I find something cool enough.”

“Cool? Why it have to be something cold?”

“What? No, Levi. Cool as in something exciting and interesting and beautiful, maybe.”

“Ah.” Levi registers yet another word.

“Erwin, don’t go.” He says eventually, the tone of his voice is calm and impassive as always, but something in his eyes make it sound serious enough for Erwin to actually stop and think about it. But he knows what to say to convince him.

“It doesn’t have to be dangerous. Not if you come with me.” His clever blue eyes lock with Levi’s as he waits for a reply. Erwin knows Levi won’t let him go, he couldn’t. He hopes so, suddenly not so sure anymore.

Levi takes some time to think of a final answer and eventually Erwin gets tired of waiting. He takes a step back towards the trees around him, slowly and without moving his stare away from Levi’s thoughtful and doubtful face. He takes another one and starts smirking as soon as he notices the silver light in Levi’s eyes changing, a light he knows too well. He’s going to agree, he’s eager for a new adventure as much as he is and there’s no point in hiding that by then.

Levi’s face relaxes, he sighs and closes his eyes giving up. Erwin then finally turns around and starts pacing without stopping, without looking back.

“I’m more than willing to let you lead the way. Show me something pretty.” He giggles, and when Levi quickly joins him he gets a fair punch in the shoulder.  

“Ouch!” He complains out loud but he doesn’t stop smiling, happy to have Levi walking next to him.

Levi does lead the way, in the end. Erwin has to ask him to slow down a lot of times for his feet and lungs’ sake, since he’s obviously not able to keep up with the other boy’s fast agility. Levi groans every time Erwin calls him out but obeys and waits for him. One time he even has to help him getting over a big fallen branch that Erwin has no idea how to climb without breaking his legs.

The forest around them is always the same, the wild and uncultivated grass under them always the same, the thick leaves above them creating always the same green roof. Nothing seems to be more beautiful or more exciting than usual and Erwin can’t help but wonder if Levi has actually grasped the concept of exploring _new_ things, new places.

“Stop.” Levi quickly pushes Erwin away from where he was about to step, making him nearly fall to the ground.

“What the hell, Levi.” He says scared by the sudden surprise, which had felt more like a heart-attack than anything. “There’s nothing here.” He says as he finds balance again and looks around to understand what the problem could possibly be.

“There.” Levi points down at Erwin’s feet.

“So what? It’s just a worm. A big one, but it’s just a worm.” Erwin shrugs looking at the weird white insect that crawls away from him slowly without a worry on its tiny little mind.

“Idiot.” It doesn’t sound harsh but Erwin still can’t believe Levi just insulted him.

“What did you call me?”

“Idiot.” Levi repeats looking directly at him, not a single hint of regret in his eyes. Erwin sighs, not really offended, since the insult feels like a warm nickname to him, and asks him why. What’s so special about that worm.

“If you walk on it the air changes and you become sick.” Erwin looks down again at the big insect minding his own business and guesses that what Levi said means that if he steps on it, it probably releases some kind of defensive gas originally aimed to hurt predators. Clever, he thinks, as he memorizes the shape and color of the crawling thing.

“Sorry, I didn’t know it.” He looks up and gives Levi a genuine grateful smile, making the other’s cheeks blush of a soft pink. “Thank you.”

Levi turns around without saying anything and starts walking again, faster than before.

“Levi, please, slow down!” Erwin yells yet one more time.

 

After an hour and a half or so something finally changes. Something else echoes around them, something more than just the birds peacefully singing or the wind shuffling through the young leaves. A different sound is following them, walking with them. It feels near, more than Erwin would have expected. The air gets simultaneously thicker as they keep going and humidity fills up Erwin’s lungs making him shiver as the cold damp reaches his bones.

Eventually, Erwin understands that the sound is the flowing water of a narrow river not too far from them, but he doesn’t manage to get a real view of it. Without realizing it they find themselves buried in dense grey fog and Erwin has problems walking and seeing where he’s going.

“Levi, are you sure about this place?” Erwin calls him out, he doesn’t hear a reply. He can’t hear anything and for an infinite second he thinks he has lost Levi. Thinks that he’s left him there all alone and that he won’t ever find the way back home.

He jumps startled when a hand touches his shoulder. Levi. Erwin sighs of utter relief.

“Come.” The boy says, and he follows standing near behind him and never losing sight of his slender body.

Erwin notices that Levi is strictly following the course of the river. He doesn’t mind, it makes him feel safer somehow, knowing there’s a sure path to walk next to. They don’t talk as they keep walking ahead and after a couple of minutes, luckily, the fog starts vanishing and Erwin’s sight becomes clearer again, as if he had just dried off invisible clouded glasses.

The sun warms Erwin’s face again and when they step out of the fog the blond boy can say he’ll never doubt Levi ever again. He has no idea where they are, what part of the forest that is and he will never be able to get there again on his own, but what he knows now is that what he’s seeing is utterly amazing.

Another small glade, surrounded by thin long trees that looks like strong prison’s bars, opens in front of him. In the middle of it a waterfall pours free and loud and he understands that must be part of the river they have been following all that time. That’s also why he had had to climb down some slick dangerous rocks before, and he’s not so mad at Levi anymore. Around the blue waterfall there are tall grey rocks, covered with purple little flowers, that sparkle with all the colors of the rainbow thanks to the water and the reflection of the sun mirroring his rays over them.

“Wow, this is great.” Erwin’s face lights up, and he’s about to say something more, to thank Levi but when he turns around to do so he sees the other boy pacing ahead, like he hasn’t even noticed the waterfall at all.

“Levi, where are you going?” Erwin shouts before him as he runs towards him.

Levi turns around and looks at him with his usual blank face and impassive eyes. He’s raising his eyebrows as to ask why he has stopped him, why now. “What?”

“I said ‘wow this is great’. But you’re acting like this is nothing!” Erwin says surprised in between light awkward giggles as Levi’s head tilts in usual confusion.

“What? We’re not even there yet.”

“There? There where? I thought this was it. This is beautiful.”

“You don’t know. There are other things, more beautiful. In other places too, trust me.” Levi keeps his reply simple as always and starts walking again. He’s going towards the waterfall, following the ground at the sides of it, so near Erwin is scared he’ll just jump in the water to never come out again.

Instead of jumping in the water, though, he actually disappears in it. He takes one more step and goes through the waterfall as if it were nothing, and it looks like magic. Erwin gasps and covers his mouth with a shaking hand, to suppress a clear yell of fear and worry.

“Levi!” He says when the first wave of shock passes, and he runs to the same spot he’s seen Levi go through.

“Levi.” He says again, already losing hope.

He turns around and bends over himself, leaning on his own knees, as his heart starts beating as loud as the waterfall. His body starts shaking and real panic overwhelms him. How could he lose Levi like this? But also, how could Levi being so stupid and reckless? He shakes his head and tears are ready to fall down and another silent yell is about to come out of-

“What is it?”

Erwin freezes. He straightens up slowly, but doesn’t turn around. _Oh my god, so I was right. Levi is a god! He’s not dead. Or maybe that’s only his spirit, maybe I’m already going crazy though. Is that what trauma does to people? But I’ve never heard mom as clear as I’m hearing Levi now._ Erwin starts thinking in an irrational rush. _Okay, but do gods even die? I’m not sure he’s a god though. What if it’s just a spirit who’s trying to trick me.. maybe the waterfall is trying to trick me, it wants me to die through it too. What if-_

“Erwin.”

He doesn’t move, doesn’t reply, nothing. Only closes his eyes shut and hard. He’s completely frozen and he knows it is irrational but a strong fear is keeping him still, and he can’t accept Levi’s voice to be real.

“Erwin, come. Let’s go beyond the water together.”

Still nothing.

“Erwin?” Erwin opens his eyes as soon as he hears the worried voice coming from in front of him.

It’s Levi, head tilted to the side and utter perplexion in his innocent eyes. It’s Levi and he doesn’t look dead, or like a spirit. He looks human and well, he looks like his usual friend.

It takes him a moment, a long pensive moment, to realize he had got it all wrong. Relief drowns him, relief and cheerful anger.

“What the hell, Levi! You scared me to death. Where were you? How did you even get through the waterfall.. and you didn’t even warn me please never do that again, ever.” He scolds Levi as he moves his arms around and it feels like being six years old again, impulsive, loud and completely open.

He can be that with Levi, he thinks, he doesn’t have to be ashamed of being spontaneous. And it’s not like he wasn’t actually scared. Erwin really doesn’t understand what is going on that day, or maybe he does but doesn’t want to think about it too much.

To his surprise Levi smiles. It’s quick and it’s small, but he does and at that Erwin can only shut up. He closes his mouth and his eyes fall over Levi as he looks at him for the first time after the previous shock, and there’s something he notices that he hadn’t before. Levi is soaking wet. _Well, of course he is, he just went through a waterfall._ Erwin corrects himself mentally before watching him go through it again without, yet, any warning at all.

“Come on!” He hears a distant but clear enough voice from the other side of the roaring water. It doesn’t look beautiful anymore, it looks scary and dangerous.

“Why?” He only shouts back.

“What?” Levi asks, yelling from the other side. “Erwin, come on! It’s safe!”

Erwin lets himself being convinced, he doesn’t want Levi to think he’s too scared and he doesn’t want to think that about himself either. He takes a deep breath of courage, thinking how insane the whole thing is, and takes a long step, almost jumping, through the waterfall.

He lands clumsily on the other side and almost ends up in Levi’s arms as he stumbles forward. He manages to keep himself steady after a few unsure moments, the stone floor being slippery and uneven. Now he’s soaking wet too, perfect. And it’s freezing.

When he looks up the first thing he notices, after Levi’s still smiling face, is the darkness. It’s a different kind of dark, though. Erwin’s eyes take a while to get used to it, but when they do he sees the narrow walls around him being colored of a blue and white light that doesn’t look real. It looks like a broken flame dying out.

“Levi I don’t want to ruin your fun but there is literally nothing here. Why did you make me jump through the waterfall?” Erwin asks sliding a hand through his wet blond hair trying to dry it somehow.

“We aren’t there.”

“Seriously?” Erwin asks, giving up.

“Yes.” Levi is about to turn around and continue but stops- he stares at Erwin for a full silent and dense minute. “What happened?”

“Mh?” Erwin says, acting as if nothing was actually wrong with him that afternoon.

“You like this. Usually.”

“Like what? Being wet and freeze to death in a useless small cave?” Erwin snaps without meaning to. He regrets it right away but Levi doesn’t seem to take it personally at all.

“You like adventure.” He simply puts it. But when Erwin doesn’t answer he doesn’t wait.

“Come.” And Erwin follows silently with his head bent down, as he keeps mentally apologizing to the other boy.

Levi guides him through the narrow cave, which appears to be a long corridor, before the space opens and the passage separates. They end up facing four different openings to four other corridors, it looks like a complicated labyrinth. It’s even darker than before but somehow light gets there too and Levi seems to know exactly where he’s going.

The air is rarefied and breathing gets harder after a couple of minutes but Erwin doesn’t say anything because Levi is not complaining. Levi seems to be doing just fine and Erwin doesn’t dare to open his mouth after how he had replied to him before.

Levi takes the second entrance from the left and continues walking ahead, not bothering to see if Erwin is following. He is.

“Levi.” He eventually calls out. “Remember when I asked to see something pretty? This isn’t what I meant.” _So what if I’m scared? I can’t even breathe in here and it’s all dark. Children have a right to be scared of the dark, right?_ He thinks annoyed by himself and by Levi too, who doesn’t seem to be listening to him.

“We are there.” _There. Oh, that there?_ Erwin sighs relieved even though he doesn’t understand what _there_ is because he can’t see anything. Levi moves from in front of him and Erwin sees. And he understands.

It’s the extremity of the passage they had taken five minutes ago, which ends up opening in another short and circular cave but it’s not only that. The blue and white light is stronger and Erwin’s lungs are filled with air as pure as a baby’s first breath, feeling like he’s breathing for the very first time. There's something wrong with the air. He takes a few steps forward and his blue eyes shine and fall over the real attraction, the real _there_ Levi was talking about.

The cave’s wall in front of him is covered in flowers, the main event. Erwin gapes as he watches them not believing his own eyes; they are glowing. The beautiful, large flowers painted of a delicate red and strong purple shine through the cave, lighting up the space around them and mesmerizing both Erwin and Levi. They look dangerous, too. Erwin wants to touch them, tear them off and taking them with him. He raises an arm up without even thinking, his mind intoxicated with their alluring glamour.

Levi, almost too late as he, too, was focused on the pretty flowers, stops him and grabs his hand before shoving it away.

“Don’t touch.” Erwin’s drunk eyes snap at Levi, and for the first time ever he looks at him and thinks he wishes he had never met him. He wishes he disappeared. He wishes Levi was dead and he doesn’t care. All he wants is to reach up for the flowers with his own hands and never leave them ever again. But Levi is clever, more aware and accustomed to the plant’s effect than him, and notices what’s happening to Erwin.

“We should go.”

“You go.” Erwin says turning his eyes on the flowers again, a creepy smile crawling over his face.

Levi doesn’t wait, not even a second more. As he grasps at Erwin’s wrist he literally pushes him away and drags him away from the flowers. Erwin shouts and tries to free himself but Levi is so strong, and he is so weak, his strength all aimed at the love and care he needs to give to the flowers. Levi drags him through every corridor up until the beginning of their path. They mirror the waterfall again as the dim light of the sun blinds them even though there’s a wall of water in between.

Erwin’s head spins and he starts wondering where he is, what is going on and especially why is Levi holding his arm so hard that he could break it. He’s panting, he realizes, and tries to find a normal pace for his breath again. Levi seems to do the same, but it doesn’t take him just as long.

Erwin’s thoughts are colored of a confused purple until sudden guilt finally strikes him. He comes back to earth without warning and suddenly remembers what just happened. The flowers, their beauty and his reaction but also every mean thought about Levi. How could he even had thought about something like that? He has wished him dead, and now he’s the one who wants to bury himself alive and avoid Levi’s eyes forever. At least he hadn’t said any of that out loud, he had done already too much damage for the day.

Levi lets go of Erwin’s arm and jumps through the water. He calls Erwin and tells him to do the same, and to be quick about it. Erwin jumps without letting Levi saying it twice.

They end up laying on their backs on the green grass soaking wet yet another time, their breaths even now, their hands close. The sun feels like a blessing, like unforgiving heath kissing Erwin’s skin but he’s never been more grateful for it.

It’s hard to concentrate again, hard to find any word at all. But there’s no need to say anything. Levi’s fingertips brush Erwin’s and he can finally close his eyes and lets himself relax forgetting about the terrible things that had just happened.

“You were not safe.” Levi says eventually, weirdly enough. He’s almost never the first one to talk. Erwin opens his eyes and turns his head to face him surprised and lost.

“What are you talking about? Levi, this isn’t your fault.” He notices the discomfort on the other’s face. “The flowers were beautiful, and worth it. What the hell happened in there anyway? Did you know that was going to happen?” He tries to joke about it, but Levi seems even more serious than usual.

“Yes. But I was never like you. Like you react, it’s weird. It was not a good idea, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t know, and I was the one who wanted to see new things right? It’s okay, we just won’t do it again.” Erwin certainly doesn’t want to see those things ever again, no matter how beautiful. No matter how magical they looked and felt too, because he doesn’t know the reason of his strong reactions but it can’t be anything but magic. Not to a child with his kind of imagination.

As the silence comes back his mind clears and everything he was upset about before starts fading in the infinity of the reassuring sky and soft clouds over him. He tries to remember what the matter was.

He remembers fighting with his dad, running away and being mad at him because of the things he has to keep secret. He remembers it doesn’t matter now, not if he’s with Levi. There’s no need to behave and feel like a bratty six years old, he can be himself again. He breathes in and out and lets his heart rest in peace for a while longer, his hands still brushing against Levi’s every now and then. It’s a calming comfort.

He doesn’t even blame Levi for what has happened before. Maybe he blames himself for not being strong enough but it feels like now that he’s out of the cave, fresh air flowing through him, that doesn’t really matter either. He’s just glad to be there, to be alive and to love Levi as he’s supposed to instead of thinking him dead. The idea had scared him, still does. He’s not sure he would ever make it without Levi in his life now. He rolls his eyes as he smiles at himself, knowing he’s being a bit too over dramatic. But his heart tells him different things, it tells him to trust his instincts and to never let that boy go.

They eventually make it out and return to the glade, Levi apologizes a few more times but Erwin manages to calm him down completely and gives him his most sincere forgiveness. Levi seems to like the idea enough to let the argument go.

The next days Levi decides to show him other things, safer places and safer plants. He shows him animals Erwin didn’t even know lived there and assures him the forest isn’t so evil as he had made it out to be. He still protects Erwin from every little obstacle but he doesn’t mind. Levi shows him a whole new world but instead of feeling like discovering something new Erwin feels like going home.

Levi never shows him his own, though. Erwin asks him sometimes but he only shakes his head and tells him he still can’t show him where he lives. Erwin is fine with it for now, it’s already something if Levi had done all he had until now.

That summer turns out to be the most spectacular, colorful and special of his life. He’s grateful for it.

 

***

 

Erwin wakes up early, feeling somehow upset by the dreams from the previous night. He hasn’t had nightmares in so long. When he opens his eyes and remembers the monsters in his sleep he feels confused. He tries to shake the weird sensation off while having breakfast, taking a shower and eventually dressing up for the day. He goes to the desk by the window to grab the book he had chosen for the day but when he looks up, for the first time that morning, he sees the sky. It’s not promising at all, it doesn’t look like summer.

“Carl, I think it’s going to rain today.” He announces to the little turtle in the tank under him. Dark clouds are approaching from the horizon and when he opens the window to feel the air he shakes for the sudden cold he wasn’t expecting. It’s no winter air but still, it doesn’t feel like summer. Erwin decides to bring a jacket with him and then heads off to the woods no matter how menacing the sky is. There’s no way a bit of rain is going to keep me away from Levi.

Half way through the woods he feels the first drop of cool rain. The air becomes clammy and the moisture starts piercing in Erwin’s bones. He curses the weather internally and keeps going. When he arrives at the glade Levi is not there. Maybe he’s early, Erwin thinks, but after a couple of minutes he begins to worry. Still, he doesn’t have much of a choice but to stay there and wait.

Without warning a loud groan resounds from the near trees, Erwin snaps his head to the side and gets up, recognizing the sound of the voice. Levi appears and Erwin sighs of relief, even though he doesn’t last long because the other boy looks seriously irritated and upset. He still has his human look on, though, and the blond doesn’t worry too much. If anything he almost laughs at the scene Levi is making.

“I can’t find it!” Levi complains, with a high-pitched voice moving around quickly and keeping brushing his long hair back. Erwin smiles half amused half confused and asks him what’s wrong.

“The blanket.” Levi’s tone drops and his voice comes out as an apology.

“What? You lost the blanket?”

“Mh.” Erwin keeps smiling and shakes his head like a disappointed parent would, but he’s not disappointed in Levi. He’s only joking with him.

“It doesn’t matter, come on. I have other blankets at home I’ll bring you a new one, at least it will be clean.”

Levi looks at him sideways and lifts his chin up, eyebrows raised in offence. “It was clean.” Of course it was, Erwin still doesn’t know how but Levi manages to keep everything clean. His clothes, the blanket, himself. It’s an amusing mystery Erwin lets being undiscovered.

“I know, but it will be even more clean. Don’t worr-”

“It’s cold!” Levi interrupts him before he can finish his sentence. _Oh,_ so that was the problem, not that Levi was wrong about it. Erwin takes a good look at Levi and realizes the boy is wearing his usual shirt, no shoes, and his old trousers that are now cut in half since, Levi had said, they kept too much warmth for the summer weather. _Serves you right,_ Erwin thinks to himself.

He also notices that Levi is shaking, hard, and looks quite different from every other day too. He doesn’t pay too much attention to that for the moment, though. “Shouldn’t you be used to a cold much worse than this?” He asks automatically.

Levi burns him with a killer stare and crosses his arms before he starts whining. “Yes. No. I am used to the blanket now. I want the blanket, the blanket is hot and I need it. Erwin, go and find the blanket.”

Erwin looks at him agape, completely shocked for a couple of seconds, before bursting out in loud laughter. Levi is actually having a tantrum, a light one, but Erwin can’t believe it. And he can’t help but keep laughing either.

“What? I’m cold.” Levi yells and pouts. Erwin doesn’t think Levi has ever been more human, more of a real child than now and he loves it. That was all his doing in the end, and he couldn’t say it was that bad, eight year olds were supposed to complain once in a while.

Erwin’s laughter fades out leaving him with a smile. “I know, I can see that. Her-” He doesn’t have the time to finish that the light rain which had been keeping falling over them suddenly becomes thicker, harder and tougher in the matter of a single second. A loud thunder rumbles nearby and the sky darkens fast enough for the light of the sun to grow dim.

The rain manages to wet them from head to toe in less than a minute and the two boys don’t have the time to think about it that they’re already running away from the open space, heading to a safer place. Levi yells at him to follow and eventually Erwin realizes they’re going to the same half cave they went the last time it rained so hard, when they still didn’t know each other so well.

When Erwin sees it again it looks exactly the same, a rocky shelter woven with the huge trees around it in the middle of the forest. They both rush under the roof of the small cave and sit down close to each other, but not enough to touch. They both try to dry themselves as much as they can with their hands. It doesn’t really work. The wind blows harder and the humid air of before turns into a river of cold that overwhelms Erwin without warning.

They manage to silently endure the cold and the rain that still hits them every now and then for ten minutes, until Erwin snaps out of his thoughts -blank and numb because of the freezing air- and notices Levi’s body shaking, and a bit too much for him not to worry about it.

Levi turns his head in a quick jerk, feeling observed, and raises his eyebrows as his teeth chatter together restlessly. Erwin’s stare linger and studies the other boy’s face, confirming his previous deductions about how different it looked today.

His usual pale skin has turned into a grey whiteness that darkens especially around his eyes, the usual silver of them melting with a tired red that Erwin has never seen in his gaze before. His lips are chapped and thinner than usual, the left part of his mouth keeps twitching up as a morbid tic, and he’s clearly sweating despite the cold. His face looks as if he were about to die, as if he had just seen a ghost. And his whole body, too, looks smaller and weak. Still shivering hard.

He looks _wrong_ but Erwin knows already that asking would be useless so he decides to act on it instead. He frees his own freezing body from his jacket and places it over Levi’s tiny shoulders. It makes him startle for a surprised moment as he was still looking at Erwin. His eyebrows raise higher, but his eyes soften at the gesture. He wants to say ‘thank you’ but nothing manages to come out of his biting mouth.

Erwin understands and nods, looking away to give him some privacy to suffer the cold without any judgement. Meanwhile, he wonders whether Levi is sick or he really isn’t used to this kind of weather without protection anymore, but he seriously doubts about the latter option. It takes much more than a couple of months with a blanket to reach that level. So Levi must be sick. But he still doesn’t ask.

After several minutes, while the rain keeps coming down hard and mean on the ground, Levi is still trembling hard. Erwin sighs, worried about him. He carefully places a hand on Levi’s near shoulder to try and comfort him somehow. And this time, Levi, weirdly, doesn’t react at all. As soon as his hand touches him he feels the little boy’s skin burning up, even through the thin layer of the shirt, and he gasps quietly.

“Levi-” The child interrupts him with a loud and irritated groan and Erwin closes his mouth shut.

He starts patting Levi’s shoulder. He rubs his hand on his back a little trying to warm him, surely surprised that Levi’s letting him touch him like that. Apart from holding hands sometimes Levi has never given him any sign of approval about touching him that freely, always moving away or keeping his distance.

Nothing changes though. Erwin wonders if-

With a prudent but quick movement he stretches out and hugs Levi from the side, circling his left arm around his back and keeping his right hand over Levi’s leg, not knowing what to do with it. He squeezes once and waits, scared of what Levi will do. Is he going to get angry? Is he going to stand up and run away or is he going to be grateful instead?

His answer comes quickly. Levi’s body tightens under his half hug and it feels like holding a hot rock in his arm, not a human body. His head doesn’t move an inch and the only change Erwin notices is in the boy’s eyes. They widen brightly in shock, fear almost, and Erwin wonders if he should stop and get away but something is keeping him very still. He knows that if he lets go now he might never have the chance to hug him ever again, and Erwin likes hugs.

Despite Levi’s confusing and hard reaction, hugging him feels good, like clinging to an invisible slice of impossible happiness. Trying to comfort him feels good too and Erwin doesn’t feel guilty about it if it's going to help the small boy.

He tries and squeezes again, letting his left hand going up and down Levi’s back to spread the heat. Levi still doesn’t move, alert and confused, but he gradually stops shaking until his body completely relaxes next to Erwin’s, and the blond boy happily feels him let go of the tension. Levi takes a deep breath and exhales sighing, sounding relieved. Erwin smiles and tries to appreciate the moment as much as he can.

Making Erwin jump slightly on his spot for the surprise, Levi slowly leans his head over Erwin’s body. He closes his eyes sighing one more time, sounding exhausted now. Erwin lets him and his smile grows wider and tender. They sit like that for another ten minutes waiting for the storm to end, until the rain becomes lighter and lighter and eventually stops, as the dark clouds part away letting the sun light up the world again, letting summer come back slowly warming up the air.

“Levi. Levi look, the rain stopped. We should go back.” Erwin says happily. But Levi doesn’t reply, doesn’t move.

“Levi, come on.”

“Levi?” When Erwin looks down he understands what the problem is, Levi has fallen asleep. Erwin giggles lightly and when he’s just about to withdraw his arm and let go of Levi he hears the other complaining and moan loudly, now half awake. Erwin smiles and gently moves Levi away with his right hand without breaking the hug completely. Levi is still weak and almost falls over Erwin’s again.

They end up facing each other closely, noses nearly touching and as Erwin laughs softly for Levi’s clumsiness of the day, the other’s cheeks flush red. He moves away after an infinite second of embarrassment. When Levi calms down his face finally regains its normal color and Erwin observes his eyes carefully, making sure they’re as lively as always, and luckily they are.  

He smiles and takes his arm away completely, which leaves him empty and another kind of cold rushes quick trough his body once again. But it leaves just as fast as his eyes fall over Levi’s face and see him smiling. It’s a small smile, but it manages to warm Erwin enough to forget about the strange feeling of loss he’d just felt.

 

The hug, the trust Levi puts in Erwin, letting him touch him like that, suddenly becomes an important turning point in their friendship. With every passing day the younger boy gets closer to him; when they read their shoulders touch, when they walk and explore the forest Levi takes his hand without hesitating, when Erwin gets there Levi bumps his arm lightly and when he goes home Levi always leans his head over his shoulder for a few seconds before giving Erwin permission to go.

Erwin finds it adorable but, except for the first time when he almost moved away surprised, doesn’t comment on it. He likes Levi’s little rituals to greet him and say good bye, it’s something only he does and it makes feel everything a bit more special.

Erwin, too, starts touching him more even if every gesture is subtle and never so confident, not as much as Levi’s. He still doesn’t know how far he can go, doesn’t know which boundaries Levi has set for himself. If it’s fine to hold his hand first or even hug him sometimes. But he never does, always waiting for Levi to make the first move.

Out of everything holding hands is what Erwin prefers the most. It’s innocent and simple but Levi’s hand always grips tight and it feels safe, because Erwin feels like Levi is never letting go, not even when they actually break the contact between each others. And Levi’s skin is always so warm, soft but rough at the same time. After a while it becomes a natural gesture and none of them thinks about it too much when it happens, as if it was wrong not to do it.

As the casual touching starts happening more and more often the two boys seem to grow closer too. Their friendship feels even more important than before, finally real as if something had clicked inside both of them. Something that couldn’t be turned off anymore.

With the hot and heavy air of the summer reading becomes boring, tiring and Levi decides to make Erwin appreciate the small river flowing through the forest more than he ever thought he could.

 

It’s an early afternoon, the sun burns like hell and everyone and everything is quiet as if to respect the sacred heated moment of the day, when Levi stands up with an annoyed jerk and storms off, away from their glade, without saying anything at all.

“Ehy! Where are you going?” Erwin stands up too and starts following Levi without thinking about it.

“To the water.” Erwin, who’s also dying of boredom and the high temperature, smiles and widens his suddenly sparkling eyes thrilled by the idea of water, of freshness. It feels like the cold storm from the other day is only a distant winter memory that didn’t even happened. Levi grasps his hand impatient. He leads him hastily to the river and Erwin feels dizzy from the touch for several moments, the hotness really getting to him.

Levi takes them to a small and quiet part of the river, where the water is not too high and the current is gentle enough not to drag them away. It still looks like they have just found paradise on earth. Erwin grins giddy and happy and watches the other boy, who had finally let his hand go, quickly getting rid of all of his light clothes as he walks in the water. He stops before the river can reach his chest and head.

Levi lets out a loud sigh of relief and adjusts himself to the new temperature before turning around with a big smile, one of those rare bright smiles Erwin never sees that melt his heart, and waves his arms to encourage Erwin to do the same.

Erwin doesn’t need to be told twice.  He starts undressing but when he gets closer to the shore he stops halfway, looking at Levi with wide embarrassed eyes. Levi is completely naked looking skinnier than usual and slightly tanned, half covered by the water -of course, he’s used to it- but Erwin is still a private boy when it comes to that and he doesn’t really know how to feel about it.

“What?” Levi asks confused getting nearer to the shore to help. “You are scared of the water?” It’s a genuine question but it’s enough to make Erwin turn red.

“Of course not!” He scoffs offended, even though his face keeps on betraying him as he looks down trying to avoid Levi’s stare.

“You are scared of the water.” Levi says again, this time his voice sounds different, amused almost. Erwin looks up at him and rolls his eyes, giving up, too proud to leave Levi the satisfaction. He takes off the rest of his clothes too and dives in into the water without caring anymore. It’s just a body, and they are only children so why should he care?

“Ah!” He yells in surprise when the cold, freezing water touches his body. It doesn’t matter though, because it feels like the best thing in the world right now, right next to Levi’s smile. He laughs, forgetting about the previous embarrassment completely. He splashes Levi once, who doesn’t seem too pleased, but doesn’t seem to mind that much either.

“This is amazing!” Levi just nods and takes a defensive step back, as if to try and avoid a possible Erwin splashing him again. But the older boy notices and raises his eyebrows as the corner of his lips turn up into a sly, challenging smirk.

“No.” Levi is quick to understand and steps back again shaking his head and letting his dry hair brush his cheeks as he does. “Don’t.”

“What? Are you scared you will be defeated by the greatest water warrior in history?” Erwin frowns at himself, while still smiling, having no idea where that is coming from. But he likes the title, always trying to be hero of the story in every situation.

Levi stops stepping backward and lifts a single bothered eyebrow. “Am not.” And then he steps forward. _Oh no, maybe I shouldn’t have said that,_ Erwin thinks to remind himself of the strength Levi had shown him sometimes even with the smallest things. But Erwin’s not really worried, he likes the challenge.

Levi suddenly disappears in the clear water and comes out right afterwards, now completely wet, and shakes the water off as a dog would do. He sneers looking at Erwin with confidence, his eyes nearly resembling their animalistic state. He has nothing to fear now, especially not some useless splashes since the water can’t have any cold shocking effect anymore. But Erwin splashes anyway, aware of being in disadvantage. He’s still half dry and he doesn’t have Levi’s courage for diving in all of a sudden into the water.  

Levi’s smiles grows wilder, his eyes sparkle with the teal color of the water reflected in them and Erwin is the one retreating now, still returning the smile.

“Let’s see what you got against my mighty pow-” Erwin starts proud and loud but Levi is quicker than his words. The blond doesn’t have not even a second to realize what’s happening that Levi is already on him, fast as a lighting, bringing him down in the cold water.

He shouts -and laughs- in vain as Levi kicks his leg over the back of his knee and makes him stumble down. He pushes Erwin down playfully while he squirms under the river’s stream. The water hits his upper body and his head and the coldness of it overwhelms him completely, feeling agonizing one second and blessedly pleasant the other.

Levi lets him go, making him come up to breathe some new air, and then they start fighting and splashing each other without regret. Of course Levi wins all the time; every time Erwin attempts an attack Levi knows how to dodge and protect himself, and every time Erwin tries to avoid another spirited -but still gentle enough not to really hurt, because Levi knows how to control his strength- assault Levi gets him and strikes.

The cold of the water lets them play cheerfully despite the hot and heavy air outside. Now that Erwin’s head feels free and cleaner everything around him seems brighter. The trees and the wild grass-covered in a vivid and welcoming green, the sky blue as Erwin’s eyes and the sun shining over them like the most friendly of stars.

Erwin tries to get back to the shore while yelling for a break but Levi is as lively as ever and reaches him in a flash to take him back under the water. Erwin groans and giggles and lets Levi have fun while he secretly suffers for all the water he has swallowed up until then and the slight hurt all over his body from Levi’s hits, not that he minds, but his stamina isn’t infinite and he’s growing tired.

“Wait, wait!” He begs Levi, who looks as if they’ve only just started, after another short splash fight, raising his hands up in surrender. He’s panting and trying to not fall back, leaning forward on his knees. He lets his soaking head drops down for a moment, regaining his breath. He slides a hand through his wet hair and looks up at Levi grinning wildly, his eyes exhausted and actually pleading Levi to stop for a while.

Levi lets go of the ready-to-fight tension in his body and relaxes stepping towards Erwin to help him get out of the river. _Oh, thank god._ Erwin thinks to himself without speaking out loud, keeping what remains of his pride intact. Levi embraces him from the side and drags him to the shore where they both crash, lying on their backs, still naked and wet and refreshed.

Erwin closes his eyes and lets his body sense the ground underneath him, stinging and uncomfortable but feeling somehow softer than his own bed. He crosses his arms behind his head and the sun dries him fast, warming up his body in a lovely way, without burning. He’s probably going to have a sunburn later but he doesn’t care. It feels to good to be true and he lets himself enjoy the moment as long as he can.

He hears Levi sitting up next to him. He feels a hand touching his arms, then his shoulder and finally the lowest part of his chest. He freezes with his eyes still closed tight and his skin burns icily where Levi touches him. Then the smaller boy withdraws with a worried and apologetic sigh and Erwin looks up at him frowning and wondering what could possibly be wrong.

His gaze flies from Levi’s face to his own body. He blinks once. He chuckles and his eyes go back to Levi, soft and comforting as his face blushes slightly and dimples dig his cheeks to show the dark-haired boy the loveliest smile.

“It’s not your fault and I don’t care, it doesn’t even hurt.” He reassures Levi as they both look back at the several red and light-blue bruises scattered over his bust and arms that Levi had left during their affectionate battle. Levi proves him wrong right away pressing a finger over one of them, making Erwin jump up and groan out a low but hurt cry. Levi gently shoves him to the side and shakes his head in mocking disappointment as Erwin laughs embarrassed.

“It’s not my fault either, if you’re that strong.” He says smiling and he lies back on the ground again relaxing, next to an amused Levi. He waits for the sun to set before dressing up again and going home satisfied for the day.  

When Erwin gets home that night, and every other time after a fight, he looks at his bruises and smiles. He doesn’t care if they hurt, he doesn’t care if Levi hits him, they remind him of Levi, making him feel real as long with their friendship. Erwin doesn’t mind at all. Besides, fighting is fun even when he always loses.

 

Those aren’t the only times Erwin gets to see and be amazed by Levi’s strength and agility. Every now and then Levi brings him with him for a hunt, a real one as Levi calls it, and Erwin doubts again about Levi’s true form. God or human, maybe none of that, but, either way, it’s something the blond can’t explain.  

The first time Levi catches a small troublesome boar hiding in the trees in one of the deepest parts of the woods, dark and thick where the sun’s light barely reaches. It’s not often that Erwin goes there but it always feels strange, almost uneasy if it weren’t for Levi’s presence next to him and his hand holding Erwin’s.

When the time comes Levi has to let go though and Erwin can’t do anything but keep watching, trying to catch as much of Levi’s quick movements as he possibly can. It’s not easy to follow him around. Levi moves so fast he even loses him for several seconds in the grim of the forest before hearing a loud screech -probably the boar being hurt and killed- and finding Levi again bent over the poor animal looking like an animal him himself.

Erwin swears Levi has come from up high, flying from the low branches of the trees around them with his usual mysterious swiftness, to land on the boar with a sharp and keen rock he had brought with him. Erwin can hear the crash of the strong child when he stabs the animal. He can hear the sound of the same hand-made knife ripping through the boar’s thick skin. Erwin has to try so hard to avoid throwing up at the view, no matter how much distance there is between them.

He’s not disgusted by Levi himself. He knows he has to do it to survive, but he’s still not completely over the deer accident and he wonders if seeing another innocent animal dying is worth it again. He has no time to decide that though because Levi is already coming towards him with the boar placed on his shoulders as if it weighed like a feather. And Levi is smiling, standing straight so proud of his caught prey.

Erwin smiles back and pretends to be proud of Levi too.

For every time Levi brings him with him for similar occasions Erwin starts feeling more at ease. He focuses on Levi’s body jumping around with such grace more than the actual killing. Levi spares him the following process and always lets Erwin leave first, saying goodbye for the day. Erwin doesn’t complain.

And none of that is ever a problem except for one single disturbing image of Levi standing still, over a dead carcass after a fast wild hunt, with a creepy thrilled smile.  Hands and mouth covered in dark red and his teeth bleeding of a blood not his. The memory has burnt deeply into Erwin’s mind and it sometimes haunts him in the middle of the night and nightmares too. He tries not to think about it too much, knowing that had been Levi’s instinctive part acting on him, the one he knows is best to forget. It works, sometimes.

 

***

 

“Well, this was a hell of a boring ending. Did they really think it was right to kill everyone off?” Erwin complains about the disappointing story he has just read to Levi one cloudy afternoon, spent sitting under a tree trying to improve Levi’s talking abilities.

The air is hot as every other day but, at least, that particular day the sun is covered and can’t reach them directly. Erwin has gotten used to it though, his skin has tanned of a clear brown and his hair has turned a lighter blond making his blue eyes stand out even brighter. Levi’s pale skin, instead, is always covered in a reddish tan which makes him look as if he was constantly embarrassed about something.

The older boy puts the book away and leans against the tree behind him closing his eyes to rest his sight for a moment. It will be a miracle if he won’t have to wear glasses when he grows up.

“Erwin..” Levi begins, his voice sounding as if he couldn’t care less about the story, something wrong and anxious about it.

“Mh?” Erwin opens his eyes but Levi covers them with his tiny warm hands just as quickly.

“Wh- What are you doing Levi?” Erwin asks giggling confusedly but he doesn’t resist the unexpected gesture.

“Don’t see.”

“Why not?”

“Wait.” Levi takes his hands back and Erwin opens his eyes just to be scolded off by the other boy, eventually obeying. “Close your eyes!”.

“Okay, okay.” Then he hears Levi walking away and for several seconds he can’t hear anything but the nature around him. He smiles, trusting Levi completely, and keeps his eyes closed. After a few moments more he hears someone stepping over the fresh ground next to him and he knows Levi has just kneeled down in front of him.

The other boy clears his throat. “You can open.” Darkness switches to bright grey light again and Erwin looks up at Levi’s face. He follows Levi’s gaze, which wasn’t on him, and stares down.

Levi hands him… a doll? “Levi, what is this?” The boy blushes in sudden frustration and disappointment.

“Oh no. Oh, you don’t like. I will kill it!” Levi stands up quickly and turns to take the thing in his hands far away with him but Erwin stops him and makes him turn around again catching Levi’s arm.

“Wait, wait.” He says fast trying to make Levi calm down, he gives him a reassuring grin.

“I never said I don’t like it. Here, give it to me.” He offers him his other hand, waiting while he lets go of Levi’s arm. Levi gives in.

Erwin observes closer and he notices that it isn’t just a doll, it’s an ‘Erwin’ doll entirely handmade. It’s not the usual doll, made of cloth and stitched carefully, but one put together with thin long branches, leaves, grass strings and what Erwin swears is untreated fur taken from some animal. Erwin manages to understand where the body, the limbs are supposed to be in the little toy and guesses the red leaf under another yellow one, linked together with the animal hair, must be his head. Levi had even put two blue petals, of a flower Erwin had never seen, to get the eyes right. It’s the best doll Erwin has ever seen as far as he’s concerned.

The moment he looks up at a very desperate Levi a wide grin spreads over his tanned face.

“Levi, I love it! and don’t you dare destroy it. How did you even make it? I didn’t know you were this good with your hands, not for this kind of stuff. Is this for me? Like a gift?” He asks excitedly towards the end.

Levi’s expression seems to calm down. He reaches his usual neutral expression again, but something special shines in his silver young eyes that tells Erwin he’s actually smiling inside too. Levi nods.

“Thank you.” Erwin says, gratitude warming his heart. “But… why?” He has to wonder what has made Levi do it, because he had never struck him for the type to do something like that, ever.

Levi only shrugs looking down and covering his face with his hands as if to hide his face from Erwin and not letting him see his true reaction. Erwin laughs softly and imagines this may be Levi’s way of repaying him for the Christmas’s gift he had given him. If it isn’t for that he has no other idea. Levi doesn’t seem willing to tell him anyway so he lets it go holding the doll tight against his chest and thanking Levi once again.

When he goes home he hides the doll away carefully, where his father can’t see it, because it would have been awkward to explain why he had a toy of himself like that, and crashes on his bed thinking about Levi. He thinks about the gift, too, and believes no one has ever given him something that nice. At least he’s sure Levi means it.

With the passage of time Erwin will forget about it, too fascinated by everything else Levi lets him feel and live and then too occupied dealing with real life. However, his doll will always wait.

 

***

 

One peaceful morning they talk about animals. Erwin asks Levi whether there are wolves, foxes and other ones in the woods and, of course, there are, Levi replies. Erwin wonders if Levi is friend with any of them or if they’re always at war, if Levi hunts them down too or vice versa. The end up talking about the dog Erwin never had but always wanted but Levi doesn’t seem to know what a dog is. Erwin tells him they look like wolves but with a cuter face and they are supposed to be man’s best friends, not enemies. Levi only nods as if the concept weren’t strange at all, so maybe he was friends with them.

Erwin would love to see a wolf one day, and a fox too -he’s overly fascinated by them he had realized months before while reading about them- but he knows it’s not a good idea, even with Levi by his side. Levi would look less menacing, he would smell right and he’d know how to behave whereas Erwin would probably only gets himself bitten, if not killed.

That doesn’t mean he can’t observe and enjoy all the other animals living in the forest, from deers to birds to weird beautiful insects all over the place, always. He loves animals, they make the world a better place and they are so easy to understand with their logic and wild instincts. Erwin likes them better than people.

As they go on speaking Erwin eventually mentions Carl, his beloved (but also a bit neglected, now that Levi is in his life) turtle. Erwin needs to teach Levi what turtle means, what turtle are, and when Levi understands he seems to know even better than Erwin about them. Erwin decides to let Levi see Carl, bringing it to the glade the very same afternoon.

“Carl this is Levi, Levi this is Carl.” The little animal’s head withdraws quickly into its strong, green and brown shell when Erwin hands him to Levi, raising it to the small boy’s eyes level. Levi raises his eyebrows skeptically for Erwin’s excessive enthusiasm for the meeting.

“Hello.” Levi says finally, indulging the blond. It’s written all over his face that the sight of the turtle is no amazing news for him and doesn’t excite him as much as it did when Erwin had first seen it. Erwin doesn’t give up though and says hello back to Levi pretending it was Carl talking and not him.

Levi refuses to take it in his hands when Erwin tries to make him hold it. They decide to sit down and Erwin pets Carl mindlessly while he talks about his turtle, the incredible stories he had made up with it in his room, how he had found it years ago and how his father hadn’t wanted him to keep it at first. Levi’s expression remains blank as usual the whole time. Sometimes he tilts his head for an unknown word some other he snorts at Erwin’s exaggerated story.

“-and we’ve been friends ever since.” Erwin finishes explaining how he had managed to keep it with a proud smile, but as soon as the word ‘friends’ comes out of his mouth he notices something in Levi’s face change even if almost imperceptibly. He decides to put it aside as he keeps talking earnestly.

“Carl and I have been on plenty of adventures over the years, he’s the only one I could play with. Remember when I told you I was used to people not talking back? Well, I was talking about my buddy here. But I never cared, I always know what he wants to say anyway. I can see it, you know?” Maybe it really seemed as if it was exaggerating but it’s true that over the years Erwin had learnt how not to feel alone, well enough to give the turtle a real voice in his head.

Levi wrinkles his nose and crosses his arms, his cheeks lightly colored of an ugly pink. “Turtle can’t talk. And you can’t- can’t know what it think.” He says sharply, and Erwin feels kind of betrayed by his words.

Of course he knows turtles can’t talk and that their communication is strictly one way. He knows because he’s not blind and he’s not an idiot but nothing has ever forbidden him to imagine something more than just owning a slow and boring animal. Levi doesn’t know what it was like to have absolutely no one to play with all his life, because he had Farlan and then Isabel. Erwin had always ever had his father, who didn’t count much when it would come to play, and Carl.

He bows his head, as if ashamed and then looks up at Levi finding courage once again after taking a deep breath. “Carl is my friend. And if you have a problem with it I don’t care.”

Erwin is lying, of course he cares. Only a few hours before he had been a ball of anxiety because he didn’t know whether Levi would have liked Carl or not, and he really wanted Levi to like him. But that isn’t the case, and of course he cares. Because Levi is his friend too now.

Levi looks away moving his head to the side, chin tilted up and lightly blushing skin. “Don’t have problems.”

Erwin narrows his eyes, observing Levi for a long minute. He wonders why, all of a sudden, is Levi behaving that way. What could he have against Carl, what could a turtle possibly have done to upset him but then he realizes, Carl isn’t the real problem. Levi is jealous. Could it be? Erwin’s blue eyes widen as he thinks about Levi’s unexpected attitude, his lips fondly tilt up and his heart calms down.

“Of course now I have a friend I can talk to, that’s really great. You could even say best friend.” He says nonchalantly, talking to no one in particular and waiting for Levi’s reaction.

“Good for you.” Levi keeps avoiding his eyes while his voice sounds even worse, hurt almost. Erwin rolls his eyes and playfully bumps his shoulder against the other boy’s, catching his attention and making his head turn towards him.

“I meant you, idiot.” He chuckles feeling slightly guilty for the insult and about making Levi feel that way even if for a misunderstood minute. He quickly scratches the thought off his mind as soon as Levi’s expression turns from offense to bothered relief, it was worth it.

Levi, mouth open in embarrassment and now completely red in the face, returns the bump against his shoulders not caring about measuring his strength and making Erwin fall to the side. That’s fair enough, he thinks as he falls. It doesn’t hurt, of course, and Erwin only puffs and laughs while sitting up again with Carl held still in his careful hands.

Erwin rubs his arm in fake agony and gives Levi a furtive smile.

“Doesn’t mean Carl isn’t my friend, though. You both are.”

Levi stares at him, his silver and illegible eyes flying up and down Erwin’s face as if he was trying to decide whether to trust Erwin on this or not. Erwin doesn’t find out. The other boy moves quickly after that, making him stand up and taking his hand. He starts walking, going outside the glade, leading him through the woods towards a place Erwin has never seen. Not yet, at least.

After a loud gasp of first surprise Erwin doesn’t even bother asking where they’re going, knowing Levi never tells when he just takes off like this. Instead he lets him lead squeezing his hand once or twice and keeping the turtle still against his chest with the other.

When Levi stops Erwin nearly stumbles forward, his gaze falls down to the ground.

“Turtles stay here. Should.” Levi says firmly, having some trouble with grammar still. And Levi is right, Erwin supposes.

Below his eyes there’s a small open space and a muddy pond dug naturally into the earth, surrounded both by the ancient trees the two boys have come from. It’s not the ground, the usual tall grass or neither the pretty white flowers at the trees’ feet that catch Erwin’s attention. His eyes only focus on the dozens of turtles -all looking exactly like his Carl- walking slowly around the little pond, undisturbed.

Erwin doesn’t know what to say, staring agape at the ground with a surprised frown, until he feels something moving and twitching against his chest restlessly.  When he looks down his eyes meet with his own turtle’s. Its little, adorable head out of its shell moves from side to side as if to beg Erwin to let it down. Erwin looks at it, sad, shocked, unwilling to let it go because even if he knows Levi is right and that Carl is only an animal he still considered it a friend, a comrade that had kept him company in the darkest times and he’s actually fond of it.

He raises his look up, staring at Levi confused, trapped almost. He frowns down at him. He wants to ask him, wants to know what to do now. His eyes fly down to the other turtles and then up again to Levi. But the other boy seems so far away. Levi doesn’t know and neither does he understand what Erwin is feeling right now, or maybe he doesn’t want to. Levi’s eyes are cold as metal, no pity nor compassion in them, nothing at all.

Erwin doesn’t know how much times passes until he feels Levi move next to him abruptly, taking Carl from him and placing the turtle on the ground where it freezes for a moment before starting to join the other tiny adorable reptiles.

The blond looks down, avoiding Levi’s eyes, and observes his friend’s movements on the ground. An expected emptiness follows until a soft smile spreads over his young face.

“I guess Carl will be very happy here.” He says out loud without even realising it. Carl has a place to belong to, a family he never knew he had there so why shouldn’t Erwin be happy for him? And Erwin is, he truly is, except his heart can’t help but feel envious too. Sadness hits him gradually growing into his chest, like a grey cloud darkening a clear sky. He will miss Carl, a lot.

Levi pats his shoulder once, gently startling Erwin and waking him up from his thoughts. When he looks at him Levi is smiling an awkward smile but his eyes are telling him something else, something that doesn’t even remotely look as sympathy. They show him irritation, impatience, and possessiveness.

Erwin wonders if Levi was actually jealous, before. Even now he looks like a dog scared and overprotective of anyone coming near its owner, ready to bark and jump.

Erwin wonders if that’s just an animal instinct, if that’s also the reason Levi never lets him meet Isabel and Farlan and if the same thing goes for them. It must be natural to the little boy to feel that way, especially since Erwin and the other two were the only people in his life from what he knew.

He rolls his eyes subtly. Despite being honored by Levi’s display of what is supposed to be affection, an unusual kind of it for Erwin, it’s still silly to be jealous of a turtle. He shakes his head and sighs deeply saying goodbye to Carl for the last time in his head. He tries not to blame Levi. He lets his bitterness slide away and looks at the boy returning the smile.

“You better become the best of friends for real now, you know? Since I just lost the only other one I’ve ever had.” The words come out worse than how they sounded in Erwin’s head, he didn’t mean to sound so dispirited if not depressing. When he notices Levi’s expression change, caught in a battle between guilt and satisfaction for what Erwin had just said, he tries to solve the situation quickly.  

“I didn’t- I know Carl is supposed to live here and all. Don’t worry okay?” Levi only nods.

Maybe losing Carl wasn’t the problem, maybe the unconscious fear Erwin had of losing Levi was, and without his turtle it would have been even more painful to get through that. Erwin doesn’t want to think about it now, though. He starts walking back to the glade, led fast by Levi who knew Erwin didn’t know the way, without sharing any more looks with the jealous boy.

Erwin stays for an hour or so more, before finally going home. The book they have been reading had managed to let him feel a bit less sad about the whole thing but when he stands up with empty hands, knowing he’ll go home only not to find Carl there anymore, his eyes darken.

Levi, somehow, notices. Before letting Erwin go he takes his hand and squeezes hard. Erwin wonders whether he should take that as an apology or thoughtfulness, either way, it doesn’t matter.

 

It takes him days to get over it. He keeps going to the glade and meeting Levi as always, but it’s still hard at the beginning. He feels stupid for feeling like that over an animal but he eventually forgets about it, only to remind himself his turtle is in a better and right place now. He forgets and lets Levi continue to be his best friend.

 

***

 

Despite spending day after day with Levi, despite playing and freeing his mind from everything and despite the happiness summer usually brings, Erwin still feels sad some days. Sad, frustrated and even lonely sometimes. He’s used to Levi’s company and he’s glad for it but being at home feels heavier somehow. His relationship with his dad has been feeling wrong for a while and they fight a lot more than before. Erwin isn’t able to just forget the things his dad had shared with him and neither does he want to accept them, not as secrets, and so he picks up fights whenever he can.

Some days he feels tired, too tired for a ten-year-old and some others he doesn’t even feel like going to the forest. But he goes anyway, for Levi. Maybe he reads less, talks less or simply lies next to him thinking about all the things he knows but isn’t supposed to tell.

Levi doesn’t seem to notice or mind at the beginning. Erwin imagines it’s only because he’s very good at pretending everything is fine, but, of course, Levi, as always, surprises him letting him realize he definitely knows something was wrong all along.

Erwin becomes aware of it one afternoon in particular. It wasn’t a sad day but it wasn’t even the happiest, his thoughts still troubling him.

Levi lets him read and talks surprisingly a lot more than usual, which distracts Erwin enough for a while. Levi smiles more, and keeps watching him with soft worried eyes. Levi doesn’t ask what’s wrong, never, but Erwin feels weird about it.

“Stop.” The small boy tells him all of a sudden, interrupting Erwin’s numb reading. “Stop and get up.” He orders him.

Erwin looks at him frowning his thick eyebrows in puzzlement but doesn’t stand up. Levi rolls his eyes and grips his arm with incredible and easy strength as he forces them both to get on their feet.

“What’s the matter Levi?” Erwin asks balancing himself and fixing his shirt down in the meanwhile. “I thought you liked the story.”

“Not like this.” Levi crosses his arms for five strict seconds and then lets go with a deep sigh.

“What do you mean?”

“You read different.”

“Different? Why- what’s wrong with the way I read?” Erwin knows exactly what Levi means but his pride still gets hurt after that comment.

“It’s wrong here.” Levi says with a low voice pointing and pressing his finger on Erwin’s chest, where his heart suddenly beats louder.

Erwin’s eyes widen reflecting the bright blue of the sky above him in them and his mouth opens slightly, hesitant. He stares at Levi and his genuine, innocent face, his skin brightened up by the sun’s light cutting gently through the trees around them. He looks as radiant as always, he looks a bit too human for being him. Erwin doesn’t know what to say or what to do.

“I have a place I go when I don’t feel right.” Levi starts explaining as if Erwin had ever asked him for advice in the matter. “It’s far but it’s my- favourite?” Erwin nods quickly to confirm the word. “My favourite place.”

Erwin didn’t even know Levi had a favorite place.

“You want to go there?”

“What- are you sure you want me to see it?” Curiosity and incredulity makes him speak again. Levi tilts his head slightly and raises a thin eyebrow.

“Why not?”

“Well you never did before, maybe you want to keep it for yourself. That’s something I would do anyway…”

Levi blinks twice and stares up at Erwin before opening his mouth to talk. “You don’t want to make me see yours favourite place?” _We need to work on the grammar,_ Erwin thinks for a moment while processing the question.

“Yes, I mean no. I mean Levi you already know where that is.” He confesses lowering his gaze. “This place is my favorite place.” Where else could it be? Definitely not home, or school or somewhere in the city.

“Oh.” Levi narrows his eyes deciding whether to trust him or not. Then he smiles one of those smirks that look more like grimaces but that Erwin knows are the most meaningful ones.

“You can see my.”

“Mine.” Erwin corrects him now, smiling back.

“You can see mine.” Levi repeats before turning around, hand in hand with Erwin, and walking away from the familiar glade.

Levi wasn’t lying about the ‘it’s a bit’ far part. It takes them almost two hours, mostly because Erwin starts complaining after one and rests every ten minutes after that. The sun is beginning to set and as the air becomes cooler the trees around them colour themselves of a deeper green and brown. The tall weeds at their feet are less clear to distinguish, like a dark stain covering the ground, and everything around them starts to lose light to make way for faded shadows.    

It’s not scary nor strange, Erwin is used to it from all of the late afternoon spent there during the long and cold winter. What seems strange to him, after a while, is how the path starts going uphill. He’s definitely never been in that part of the forest but instead of wondering since when that place even existed, all he can think about is the effort his legs have to make to keep walking.

As they keep climbing the air around them gets thicker, damper and pale fog forms before Erwin’s unaccustomed eyes. The trees are more distant from one another now, their branches and leaves bending down and opening their path. Levi keeps pushing him forward, his hand sweaty now but unwilling to let Erwin go. Not that he’s complaining about it.

Erwin thinks that’s it, they arrived. But it can’t be it because what he’s looking at right now doesn’t seem like anyone’s favorite place at all. In front of him there’s a wall, a wall made of trees and tall ugly bushes that look like an evident, but natural, stop sign. There’s nowhere to go and Erwin lets go of Levi’s hand ready to get mad at him because he sure likes the boy but two hours of walking around for nothing is a bit too much, especially since his mood wasn’t really the best one.

He opens his mouth but Levi interrupts him right away, turning around after losing touch with him. “Just wait.” Silence falls over them, the wind stops and the birds don’t sing. Erwin frowns angry and skeptical.

Levi goes left and steps forward the bushes. Then, just as he did with the waterfall, he disappears and leaves Erwin alone and confused. But this time, the blond knows there’s no point in waiting there and follows him. There’s a small but clear gap among the chaos of the plants in front of him, like a tiny door made deliberately for a child to pass through. He doesn’t hesitate and reaches Levi on the other side.

What he finds there is far from what he was expecting, much better and so beautiful he stops breathing for a solid amazed second. Levi is already far ahead, under the huge tree standing tall and proud in the middle of the small hill. Erwin gets nearer and the tree only seems bigger, large as a whole room, ancient and important. Its trunk is dark and the wood on the surface runs over it woven tightly, knowing exactly where to go despite the apparent anarchy of the pattern. Looking up Erwin admires the strong branches and the bright coloured leaves shining red, green and gold in the sunset’s light. All around there’s nothing, only neat grass and pretty flowers here and there.

It feels like the trees, the forest around it only existed to protect that secret place from everyone, and Erwin feels lucky and honored. He mentally thanks Levi for bringing him there, too proud to admit that out loud after all of his complaining. He takes a deep breath letting the free air filling his sad lungs. It feels new, safe and all his worries fly away with the black birds soaring over them.

“Come up.” He hears Levi calling him but doesn’t see him, he was too distracted by the view in front of him to notice where he had gone. Levi speaks again and Erwin looks up, seeing him seated on one of the huge branches, almost in the middle of the tree’s trunk.

“Levi! How am I supposed to climb up there?” He shouts worried but grinning, always amazed by Levi’s skills.

Levi shrugs, looking ahead of him, and Erwin sighs giving up. Of course he has to do this alone. He manages to climb and reach Levi after a couple of tries gone badly. Eventually he learns which branches to step on and which to grab and he ends up sitting next to the other boy, nearly panting, leaning against the trunk. A breath of sudden wind kisses his red tanned cheeks and gently moves his golden hair away from his sweating forehead, refreshing him up. Erwin closes his eyes and lets the moment steal his heavy mind again.

“Look.” Erwin jumps a little when Levi takes his hand, only to let go of it after a brief second. Levi is staring right ahead of him, something that Erwin hadn’t done yet still tired from the climb. His blue big eyes follow Levi’s gaze and he understands, finally and completely now, why that was Levi’s favourite place. It feels like being on top of the world and more. His heart flies and his mouth opens in wonder.

They were higher than he thought and just before them there was the entire forest, he can even see parts of the nearest town, it feels infinite. The large forest blends in together as a wide shadow contrasting with the beautiful and bright colours of the sky, a sky that almost doesn’t feel real.

As the sun fades away sweetly, setting down a dark but light blue sky, the clouds turn from their usual creamy white to a warm crimson and golden orange that paint the world of a gentle pink. It’s indescribable to Erwin’s astounded eyes. What he’s feeling goes beyond words and he wonders if he really would have shared this with anyone. But then he thinks that yes, yes he would have if that someone was Levi. He has no doubt.

“Are you sad, still?” Levi asks out of nowhere looking at Erwin now, with the sunset melting in his lovely eyes.

“No, no I’m not.” Erwin’s heart warms a bit more for Levi’s concern and he smiles staring back at him. “This is amazing.”

“I know.” Levi sticks his tongue out, something he had seen Erwin do lots of times during their friendship. Erwin giggles but doesn’t say anything more, enjoying the moment.

When the sky begins to darken for real, the first stars coming out along with the moon, they decide it’s time to come back. It takes them reasonably much less time to go back now, but still Erwin manages to get home later than ever.

His father is not happy when he faces him that night, he scolds him and yells at him. He shouts and asks where he’s been but Erwin doesn’t even reply shutting himself in his room. He knows his dad is more than right to be angry, he must have been worried, but he doesn’t care. Not that day.

After they start going there more often and if Erwin had thought that sunset was a miracle he was wrong because most of the time the sight was just as breathtaking. Eventually, he gets used to it, even though it’s always beautiful to him.

They read, play and fight at the tree’s feet and even though they don’t abandon the glade at all, especially because Erwin doesn’t know how to get to the hill all by himself.

It’s Erwin’s favourite place too, now.

 

***

 

The sun doesn’t stay with them as it did before. The days grow shorter and the beginning of June turns quickly into the end of August. Summer isn’t over yet, but the air is colder and every day Erwin spends with Levi moves on slow and happy and careless, as it should feel. They explore more, Erwin discovers many other parts of the forest and sometimes wonders if the woods isn’t actually infinite. But he knows it isn’t, he knows somewhere not so far away he could easily face a huge wall keeping him from the whole word outside. Sometimes he wonders about climbing it, go beyond it and finally breathe new air.

Sometimes, when he sits with Levi on the big and tall tree up on the hill he looks behind him, instead of ahead, and observes the tall wall so real, so clear in front of his eyes. He never cared much for it, before. He knew it was like this and even though all the books he shouldn’t have read told him that there was so much more in the world he didn’t question it.

Things change when his father tells him the truth, and he finds himself daydreaming about it almost always. He tries to talk about it with Levi one day but the boy still seems so hesitant, so scared when he mentions titans. He doesn’t try again but it still feels weird. How can Levi even know about titans? Who told him about them? He thinks maybe, since he still didn’t get an answer about it, Levi really did see them. But that’s impossible. Levi didn’t even know how a clear night sky looked like.

Erwin lets the thoughts go quickly through his head, he tries not to think about it at least when he’s with his friend. At home, he can’t help but think about it. The fights with his dad fade away, especially because of school break and the fact that he doesn’t have to remember about it during every lesson, but the hostility stays and every time Erwin asks more his father says there’s nothing more to say. Eventually, Erwin learns how to deal with it, it almost makes peace with it, almost. He doesn’t know whether to be only angry at his father for keeping the secrets or if he should let the excitement alone rule inside him.

Levi doesn’t know, yet, but Erwin is dying to tell him. He manages to keep his mouth shut every time the thought crosses his mind knowing that, for some obscure reason to him, he can’t talk about it. He wishes for things to stay like this forever. Somehow, wanting to but not telling anyone feels better than admitting reality isn’t what he thought it was.

Yet his mood is never stable. He gets frustrated quickly and Levi and he spend a lot more time on their tree now because Erwin needs it, and the other boy knows. They never talk about it but he always seems to understand.

One day, one boring, unexpectedly hot, and never ending afternoon Erwin decides to ask for something more again. They aren’t at their glade, neither the hill. Instead they are lying on the cold and wet rocks by the river trying to find some peace against the last heavy air of the summer.

“Where are Isabel and Farlan?” he says calm, piercing the quiet silence they had achieved.

“Not far.” Levi replies, with the same calm but turning his head to Erwin and raising one thin eyebrow.

“Do you think they would like me?” Erwin asks, smiling as a bee flies over his head freely.

“I don’t know.”

“How can you not know? You should know.”

“Why?”

“Because you are their friend, and friends know each other.” Levi turns his head back, away from Erwin’s eyes.

“I don’t know.”

“Sometimes I wonder if that’s your answer to everything.” Definitely, the hot air is not doing any good to Erwin’s head. He feels guilty right after saying that, knowing he’s wrong. He hates it. He hates how he’s becoming, always touchy and almost rude. He mentally apologizes to Levi for the hundredth time already, hoping not to have offended him.

“Why you ask?” Levi simply replies, catching the bee still flying around them with one fast hand just to release it shortly after.

“No reason just… they’re your family right? I’d just like to meet them. To see what your family is like.” To see if his family is any different from his father, he thinks.

Levi stiffens above the hard ground and slowly, again, turn his head. Several silent seconds pass and he sits up, looking down at Erwin, a struggle going on behind his earnest eyes.

“I understand if you don’t trust me enough yet, I think that’s fair enough even though-”

“You can keep a secret?” Levi interrupts him and the question strikes Erwin with surprise. And it hurts a little, too, because he knows he can but he doesn’t want to keep anymore.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay what? What’s the secret?”

“They are.” Levi gets up and Erwin follows him, it’s becoming quite an usual pattern now. They start walking toward the centre of the forest and the noise of the water behind them fades away gently, replaced by the sound of birds singing and animals hiding away from them.

Before that, though, Levi turns and Erwin stops startled just a few steps before him. “I trust you.” Levi says slowly, meaning it and there’s something in his voice that makes Erwin understand how important this is for him. The sacrifice he’s making right now.

There’s something else in Levi’s voice too. It sounds like annoyance, concern, it sounds exactly like it did the day Erwin had had to give Carl back to nature. Jealousy, but Erwin doesn’t know for who this time.

He smiles deciding Levi can trust him, exactly like he’s always trusted him.

Levi walks and walks and never says anything. There’s a strange feeling between them now. Erwin gets slightly anxious when Levi starts going towards one of the parts of the forest the boy has always told him were dangerous. Had he lied?

They don’t stop for a while until Erwin catches a glimpse of something that looks like a small, iron building painted with the same colour as Levi’s eyes. He’s not sure whether to trust his sight or not. Levi distracts him right away taking him just a few steps forward and when he looks back nothing is there. He frowns, shaking his head and keeps following.

Eventually Erwin knows they’re there. He hears them, first, but just when he’s about to reach and see, Levi stops him with a hard arm hitting against his chest.

“Wha-”

“Shut up.” Levi hisses. “I go first, you stay here. You scare them… stay here. Trust me.”

Erwin’s eyes widen in understanding and he nods, closing his mouth and letting Levi do his job.

Erwin is alone for a couple of minutes. He tries to imagine how it will be, in a few moments, to meet Levi’s friends. If they can talk, understand. If they’re friendly or if they really will be scared of him, he hopes not. He still can’t see them but he can hear Levi making some kind of convincing noises he’s not sure about. He turns around and starts exploring the place Levi left him in. There’s nothing new, really, same trees, same wild grass, same ground and same beautiful flowers he’s seen hundreds of times already. He thinks about the building from before and if he should go see for himself whether the hallucination was real or not.

He doesn’t make it on time, something moves behind him and Levi tells him to turn around. He does, slowly, and grins as soon as his eyes set on Isabel and Farlan. They are exactly how he remembered them from the winter days in the forest, only with fewer clothes on and longer hair. He notices how they are wearing some of the clothes he had brought for Levi too. Suddenly, he doesn’t know what to say and his cheeks blush slightly.

“Hi.” He stutters, completely embarrassed from some unknown reason to him. He’s not expecting what comes next, though. Farlan quietly snarls and Isabel just hides herself behind Levi’s thin figure. Levi only sighs and puts a calm hand on Farlan’s shoulder who seems to relax right away, without moving his eyes away from Erwin.

“Oh, I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Erwin quickly apologises. So they are afraid of him. They would probably be afraid of anyone actually. Isabel comes out slowly and stays still next to Levi, while staring at Erwin with wide green eyes and red hair falling on her face.

“They can’t speak.” Levi explains, saving Erwin from further discomfort.

“Oh. Right.” He gazes at them, they look so much like Levi and yet they are so different from him. It’s clear Farlan doesn’t trust him and that Isabel is used to have their protection, always. “Do they understand what I say?”   

Levi exchanges a quick look with both of them, then nods, as if a real conversation had just happened. Erwin frowns surprised, completely unable to move.

“They understand something. I can help if they don’t.” Levi says and takes a step towards Erwin, leaving the others behind. “Come.”

Erwin starts when Levi takes his hand, soft and warm. His own is sweaty and slightly shaking, he didn’t know he would be this nervous. Levi doesn’t let go, grasping tightly, and leads him closer to his friends. Isabel’s expression changes from fear to acceptance and surprise. Farlan’s shoulders let go of the tension in them, he tilts his head to the side just like Levi always does.

“Erwin.” He looks at him with piercing eyes, then turns around. “Farlan.” He stares at the other blond boy. “Isabel.” Finally, he stares at her too. Then his hand leaves Erwin’s and he steps back, almost reluctantly, leaving the three of them standing near each other, unsure of what to do.

“Hi.” Erwin says again, his grin softer this time, more controlled. “I’m Levi’s friend.”

He sees Levi nodding with the corner of his eye, while Farlan and Isabel also look at him for confirmation. Erwin is shocked when, slowly, Isabel reaches up to him and hugs his right arm looking up at him with trusty big eyes. Erwin gasps and shoots Levi a worried glance, who nods once more, before turning his attention back to her.

She’s smaller than him and from the looks of it she’s probably much younger, younger than Levi too. This time, Erwin really wonders how is it possible for them to live out there on their own but he can’t ask a question knowing he wouldn’t get an answer anyway.

He giggles when Isabel rubs her head against his arm, like a tiny cat greeting a friend. “It’s nice to meet you too.” He hears himself saying while million of questions fill his mind. How can she trusts him so easily when it took Levi months just to go near his hand. But then again she is very little and knew already who he was, that Levi trusted him.

Farlan, however, isn’t as direct as the little girl and limits himself to place a hand over his shoulder, like Levi had done before with him. Erwin looks up at him and smiles, trying to communicate trust through his gaze instead of using words.

The bored, bad mood from before feels like a distant memory to Erwin now. Excitement overwhelms him instead and when his eyes meet Levi’s silver ones a strong spark of hope and trust and happiness flares up inside of him. They exchange a meaningful smile, Levi doesn’t seem to mind about them meeting anymore, and then both Isabel and Farlan let go of him.

“They like you.” Levi says, running a hand through his black hair and drying the sweat from his forehead. “It’s hot.”

“Yeah, it is.” Farlan and Isabel seem to understand too, after looking at each other for a moment, and nod along their words.

“I have an idea.” Erwin says and smiles at the three of them, sure, for once, that what is about to say won’t let down anyone. “We should all go to the river and, well, refresh ourselves.”

Levi’s face lightens up. “Yes.” One more look to Farlan and Isabel, and a sound Erwin has never heard in his life, and he finds the three of them in a careful position, as if ready to run any moment.

“Oh no.” He realizes, quickly, that they really are going to run to the river. “Don’t you dare all of you. You know I’m not as fas- hey!” He doesn’t talk fast enough that he sees them flying off, without looking back, crying and laughing. Levi laughs, at least.

“This is so not fair!” Erwin shouts once, before his legs start running too, trying to catch up with the others in vain. His breath becomes heavy quickly but no matter what, his lungs are filled with joy and he can’t help but grin and laugh as he speeds up through the forest.

“You slow, eyebrows!” Levi shouts. He runs and chuckles with his breath broken in half, slowing down just enough for Erwin to be a few steps behind him and for Isabel and Farlan to be already far ahead.

Erwin can’t believe he just called him that, can’t believe Levi even remembers about the nickname. “Yeah! But I can’t fly like you-” He yells back panting, begging his body not to give up just yet, for his pride’s sake.

“No one fly here.” Levi says from farther away now, as he picks up his pace again, his voice loud and echoing in the woods. Erwin can see Farlan and Isabel again, they must have been waiting for Levi. At least, now they’re all close again, almost.

“Run, Erwin!” Levi encourages him. Isabel yells a shout that sounds like a wolf’s howl while jumping around the trees as if running normally wasn’t good enough for her.

“The last one find the food for everyone!” Levi turns his head around once to look at Erwin and smirks, a smile Erwin has never seen on him but that fires up something wild inside of him, something that makes him feel him like one of them, like he truly belongs.

“What?” Erwin shouts back then, half confused half terrified already. The other ones don’t seem to care, but it’s not like they really need to worry. The blond knows Levi is saying that for him only, no one else can understand, and because he’s going to be the last one for sure. “Damn it.” Erwin whispers to himself before speeding up.

He laughs and pants and screams too while following the other through the bright green around him, he feels so alive.

Of course, when they finally get to the river, he ends up being the last one there. Despite Levi’s bet they all find themselves jumping right into the cold water after quickly getting rid of their clothes, something that didn’t bother Erwin anymore. The coolness of the river hits him hard like pure air after all of that running and he can finally breathe evenly again.

Or so he thinks. Levi and Farlan are on him fast and strong, while Isabel splashes towards them happy as a little noisy bird. The three boys fight playfully in the water, drowning themselves down and teaming up once with one and then the other. Erwin realizes Farlan is stronger than him but Levi is still the strongest one no matter his tiny size or light weight. They leave bruises on each other and Levi doesn’t show pity when the fight gets more intense for a couple of minutes.

Without noticing they end up fighting alone, just the two of them, with heat and excitement.

Obviously, Erwin loses fast enough and Levi lets him go. They laugh and splash each other a couple of times more before they realize Isabel and Farlan are watching them, sitting on the rocky and grassy shore.

“Let’s go sit too.” Erwin breathes heavily but fully satisfied, grinning down at Levi. The other boy laughs quietly, which warms Erwin’s heart among the cold of the flowing water.

“Okay.”

They sit and lie there for a while with the sun gentle and hot over them. Levi and Erwin speak about everything and anything until they all fall silent and no one moves. Erwin takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, wondering why and how has he ever gotten so lucky to deserve such blissful days.

“You know the food thing is real, right?” Levi asks, out of nowhere.

“No I don’t.” Erwin replies closing his eyes and denying the bet completely. Levi punches his arm, making him turn around to look at him, and smiles a cunning smile. Maybe Erwin never should have taught him how to do that because, in times like this, it truly looks scary.

“Yes. And I’m hungry.” Farlan and Isabel react fast at the word ‘hungry’ and sit up to look at Erwin, waiting.

He sighs, sitting up with the others and rubbing his naked neck with one hand in surrender.

“All right. Tomorrow though, tomorrow I will bring food for everyone. There’s no way I can hunt like you do, just completely forget that.”

Levi’s friends narrow their eyes. They are hungry now, but Levi pats Erwin’s shoulder and reassures everyone. “I like it. He bring good food.”

“Bring _s,_ Levi.” The little boy grimaces, evidently not happy about being corrected in front of Farlan and Isabel. “And you don’t even like the stuff I bring half of the time.” Erwin jokes, promising to remember about it when he gets home.

 

Erwin brings bread and cheese and fruits and whatever he manages to sneak out without his father noticing the next day. Levi meets him at the glade and Isabel and Farlan are there with him. They eat and everyone loves the food, Levi thanks him and Isabel hugs him again. Several times. Farlan smiles sometimes, he looks the same age as Levi but so much more mature, wiser somehow. Erwin can’t quite make up his mind about him but he likes him, as he likes the little lively girl.

They spend that and a lot of other mornings or afternoons together after the day at the river and the food sharing. Erwin understands how clever the other two kids actually are, despite not being able to talk. He realizes intelligence doesn’t come only with words and observing Levi, Farlan and Isabel he’s sure of it. He knows what a real family looks like too now, and he’s proud to be their friend. Because Farlan and Isabel feel like friends too, and as long as Levi is fine with it Erwin is happy to be that for them.

 

***

 

Spending time with Isabel and Farlan is fun. Erwin loves them and sometimes Levi and he even teach them some words, or things about the world outside the forest, but the two best friends still spend days together alone.

Most of the time they go to the hill and sit by the big tree, in its shadow away from the strong sun, to read or play or just simply talk. Some other times they fight under it to see if Erwin will ever get stronger than Levi but every time he loses and has to give up. The path from the usual glade to the hill is still unknown to Erwin no matter how much he tries to remember every detail to get there but he never complains, never says anything about it letting Levi leading the way trusting him completely.

Other weeks fly away and Erwin knows that soon he’ll have to go back to school. He won’t be able to spend so much time with Levi and the others anymore and he’ll have to bear his father -and his lessons- more and more.

He’s not sure how to feel about it, if the thought of his father teaching him lies makes him sick or just sad for the old man too. He doesn’t hate his father, he doesn’t dislike him either. He wishes there was no reason at all to be mad at him but there is, and he doesn’t know how to control it. Most of nights he thinks it’s not fair and he never should have known the things he knows, he’s probably too young for it so why did his dad confide in him like that? Most of all why does it have to be a secret, why such a bad one? He doesn’t understand, he is only a child after all.

He manages to keep his head clear thanks to Levi. He often thinks about him too, even more than before. He wonders what will happen when summer ends and what will happen in a few years too. Erwin loves Levi like the brother he never had, but it’s more than that too. Levi is his best friend and he doesn’t know why but the little boy likes him back, he let him in his life and for some miracle let him be his friend too. Levi, who still can’t talk properly and behaves like an animal most of the time, is far better than any person he’s ever met.

He has the power to make Erwin forget about all the times he’s ever been alone. He makes him laugh and smile, he makes him dream letting the stories in his head be valid and true if just for a few moments. He never knew friendship could feel this good, he never knew how important it was but he’s grateful. He hopes Levi is just as happy as he is when they’re together.

 

It’s one of the first days of september, the air cool against his overly tanned skin and moving his golden -and a bit too long- hair away from his face. Erwin and Levi are sitting at the feet of the big tree on the green, lovely hill, trying to read the legend about the Milky Way again. The story had shortly become their favorite and they had read it so many times already Levi was almost able to repeat it by heart, which made Erwin really proud.

It feels different, that late afternoon, when Erwin starts reading again. There’s something wrong going on inside of him, the harmony of the quite nature around him grinds against his shaken soul. It feels like one of those days when everything is right but everything is wrong too, the ones he knew were going to end badly no matter what. It feels like experiencing the false hope he had forced himself to feel before his mother had died. The sky looks nostalgic and when the birds sing above them he can’t help but hear a melancholic, bittersweet song. He wonders, not knowing why, if that’s how old people felt every day. He feels old.

Erwin frowns down at the book in the middle of the story and tries to swallow the feeling back down and not ruin the perfect afternoon they had been enjoying so far, or that at least Levi had.

“His name was Nguu-Lang. He was very handsome. He fell in love with the princess at first sight, and she loved him, too. The King of Heaven, fully aware of their love, consented for her daughter to ma-”

“Erwin I can ask a thing?” Levi interrupts him sitting up from his usual curled up position next to him. Erwin moves his look from the book to Levi’s sincere face and nods, not minding the interruption at all.

“You say they fall in- in love right?”

“I don’t say it, it’s written here. But yes they’re in love I thought you knew that by now.” Erwin jokes, his mouth slightly tilting up despite his weird, sad mood.  

“I know. But what does it mean?” That’s also another sentence Levi knew well, that Erwin had taught him among the first things to help them figure out more stuff more quickly. The question surprises him, and Levi is right to ask too because Erwin had never fully explained.

“Oh. Right, well… being in love is-” Erwin stops, frowning again not really sure about it. Does he even know what falling and being in love feels like? Every adult he’s ever met had always said that kids are too young to know.

“What?” Levi stares at him with curious eyes, head tilted to the side and his pale skin kissed by the lowering sun.

Erwin has never being in love but he knows what caring means, he feels it every day. And he has seen love in his parents’ eyes and words and actions. “You know my parents loved each other very much, I guess, just like the young man and the princess of the story do.”

“You know how?” Levi asks before letting him speak more, already skeptical about it.

“I know. I’m sure of it because… because love is how my dad used to say my mom’s name, it always sounded so different, you know? They were like best friends... but more? They told me that once when I asked, anyway. And they always made each other smile even when they were so tired, when I made them angry and exhausted. And I know my dad was in love because when my mom died he held her all night long and I saw it, I saw he was crying and he didn’t stop when he caught me watching.” Erwin thinks about that night, the pain in his father’s face. He shakes his head once and tries to give merrier examples, for Levi’s and his sake.

“And you know, they used to kiss all the time! And only people in love do that. My neighbour told me that, and she’s wise and old so I trust her.” He smiles, looking ahead of him. He remembers happier days when his parents would cling to each other all day no matter how gross or awkward that could have been for Erwin’s young eyes. He never really minded, but _it_ _was_ gross sometimes.

“Kiss?” Levi asks, after a couple of hesitant nods during Erwin’s little explanation.

“Yeah, kiss, you know? You don’t know what a kiss is?” Levi shakes his head letting his long hair hit his face softly, his silver eyes widening.

“Ahem, a kiss is… when you put your mouth on something and just, well, kiss it?” Erwin stares at Levi’s confused face for several seconds before sighing, trying to explain in a better way.

“Okay, watch.” He raises his own hand and kisses the back of it, quickly, before putting it back down on the ground. Levi’s head only tilts some more, he frowns.

“I can show you.” Then, Levi raises his own hand up to place it just in front of Erwin’s near lips. Erwin giggles again.

“That’s not exactly what I mean but it’s okay.” He kisses the back of Levi’s hand just as quickly as he had done with his own, not really able to feel anything under the touch of his lips for too long except for smooth and cold skin. He withdraws his head half embarrassed half convinced Levi will never talk to him again after that, for whatever inexplicable reason.

Levi observes his own hand and then his eyes fly up to Erwin, dazed and wide. “Why?”

“Why… what?”

“Why you kiss?” The confusion in Levi’s voice is so pure and innocent Erwin isn’t sure if he can actually answer to the question.

“Well, the thing is there are different kinds of kisses, you know?”

“Mh? Different?”

“Yes, of course. Not everyone kiss the way my parents did, I mean those were kisses on the mouth. You kiss someone on the mouth when you are in love and married to them.” Erwin begins, so sure of his theory, tilting his chin up before keep going.

“But then you kiss just for saying hello, sometimes. And you kiss when you care about the other person, for friendship or when you have a crush on someone. And kisses aren’t only on the mouth, you can usually kiss someone on the cheek too, of course. Not everyone is in love and married.”

“But why?” Levi asks again, and Erwin shrugs.

“I don’t know. You just… kiss someone because you like them.” Levi’s eyes brighten up for a single moment, honest and clear, before he turns his head away and nods.

Erwin frowns, wondering what that look meant and his mood suddenly drops once more, a weight on his chest crashes the calm of the moment. He looks down, feeling sad and worried and anxious again. The truth is he doesn’t even know what he just said even means, he knows he cares for Levi but what does he know about love? He only knows it never ends as it should, with happiness and joy.

Frustrated about it his fingers scratch the ground. Levi turns again and stares at him until Erwin, deep in his unnerving and blue thoughts, realises someone is watching him and has to raise his own head up.

Looking at Levi hurts, for a long serious second. Suddenly fear overwhelms him. If love wasn’t supposed to last then what about friendship? He’s scared, he has so many doubts about Levi and he hates the fact that they are coming all out of the blue. He hates that he has to worry about it after all those months spent thinking about a perfect forever next to him.

Maybe it’s the air getting cold again, maybe it’s the sky looking less bright or just the tormenting feeling of going back to school. Maybe it’s the fights with his father, maybe it’s the secrets or maybe it’s all the trust Levi puts in him that makes him feel this way but something is wrong and he hates it. He keeps it inside, he can’t make Levi worry and he knows he wouldn’t understand anyway.

But Levi does understand, he notices the sad look in his blue eyes but doesn’t say anything about it. Instead he takes Erwin’s hand and stands up.

“Let’s go up. The sun is going down, it’s pretty up. I like it when the sun goes down.” Levi says the simple words with such a gentle voice Erwin feels like crying.

They climb up, Levi helping Erwin instead of running ahead of him like always. Eventually they manage to take a sit on the usual strong branch. In front of them the sunset spreads over the sky as beautiful as it was the first time Erwin has ever witnessed it. The clouds are darker this time, intense red beats the sweet familiar pink and the blue of the sky beyond them deepens as the sun quickly leaves its royal duty. Far away stars begin to shine already, the white moon starts granting them with its sacred presence.

Erwin’s blue eyes melt with the first darkness of the evening and the last warming rays of the sun. He wishes the lovely view could soothe his worries completely, instead he speaks up.

“Levi, I’m scared.” He doesn’t look at him, he can’t, but he feels Levi’s eyes on his face.

He’s not even sure what is he scared of, why is he telling him? He frowns, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. It’s all wrong, he shouldn’t feel like that next to Levi. It feels like the end of an era and he can’t do anything about it. The frustration of not knowing what’s going on, why is he feeling like that overwhelms him. He doesn’t want to trust his instincts, but what if he’s right?

Levi, if just for a moment, proves him completely wrong.

“I’ll keep you safe.” Erwin hears him say, just as gentle as before. And he shocks him after that.

Levi kisses him on the cheek, slowly and hesitantly. Resting his soft lips over Erwin’s skin a second too long. Erwin holds his breath, surprised, and his eyes fly open at the touch. When Levi withdraws from him Erwin turns his head and looks at the little boy in front of him, at his best friend. Levi smiles and Erwin forgets about fear. About hidden anger and about the sun completely disappearing before them. Levi’s smile is enough to brighten up the whole world. It’s Levi’s most honest and purest smile.

Erwin’s shock doesn’t leave him for another couple of staring and incredulous seconds until surprise fades away and he grins back at him. Levi’s eyes shine and his cheeks blush of a deep and embarrassed pink Erwin finds himself to observe with extreme fondness.

“I like you too.” Erwin says, confident but embarrassed too. He turns his head and looks at the beautiful sky once more as Levi does the same thing, sitting in silence.

Maybe it doesn’t have to feel wrong. Maybe their friendship doesn’t need to vanish as his intrusive and insistent thoughts keep telling him. Maybe this, the playing, the reading and the happiness that he has felt all those months next to Levi, doesn’t have to go away. Erwin hopes, like he’s never hoped before, for things to stay the same.

But he still needs to go home, he still has to say Levi goodbye that night.

And eventually, summer ends.   

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the last truly happy chapter (I'm sorry) 
> 
> p.s. next chapter in two weeks probably


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the end// (like, mh, I wouldn't read those for spoilers but I never know so I'm putting them there!)

 

When school starts again things aren’t as bad as Erwin thought. Mostly everything stays the same. The lessons, his father, the lies and he always feels like being by himself all the time. It doesn’t bother him anymore when he sees the other kids playing together, he doesn’t envy them, because of Levi. 

His classmates, just as he did, changed during summer. Some were taller, some stanked more and some started to properly grow into ugly, unbalanced bodies that came with the beginning of puberty. Boys looked worse and girls looked older. Erwin doesn’t care, really, about his classmates. He never talks to them, daydreaming about the forest every hour spent in class, and they never talk to him. 

Until one day, after another fake history class, they do. 

Erwin doesn’t expect it, bent on his book and busy reading about distant lands, when one of the most popular boys calls his name and starts talking to him. Erwin is confused, at first. He notices other kids coming towards them and narrows his eyes. In the back someone else is laughing already, he can’t trust this. He puts the book down, waits for things to get bad but to his surprise nothing happens. 

Yes, they make fun of him, but the same way his father sometimes does. The same way Levi could and Erwin starts letting go of the tension in his body. He knows, in the back of his mind, that something has to be wrong. 

This can’t be happening just like this, just because they all suddenly decided they liked him, but being appreciated once in a while feels good and he pretends everything is fine. He pretends to be normal, to fit in and for a couple of hours it truly feels great, so much he even forgets about Levi for a second. 

Erwin gets dragged away and starts talking about everything and anything all break long. The others listen and joke with him, they smile and nod until he talks a little too much. The secrets he’s kept all that time, about titans and his father’s incredible theories, spill out of his mouth quick and confident like an unstoppable river. He talks about mountains and oceans and incredible places. He says they have all forgotten about it, because the important people wanted it that way. His classmates’ attention shift and there is real surprise on their faces. 

Most of them don’t believe him. They think he’s just saying that to demonstrate that he’s not his father favorite. They think he’s lying to make himself look like a mad rebel or something weird like that, but Erwin is so enthusiastic and convincing about it that eventually someone listens and believes it for real. 

What Erwin doesn’t know is that children talk, that not everyone’s parents are teachers or simple people. He doesn’t know the popular boy’s father is in the Military Police and he doesn’t know that the kid simply doesn’t care whether what Erwin just told him is some important secret or not. Erwin doesn’t know that he’s going to tell his father everything that evening. 

For the time being he enjoys the light talk, until break ends and another boring lesson begins. It’s not until the end of it that he hears someone, the same kids who were talking to him before, snicker and giggle every time their eyes fall on him. He frowns, touches his face to see if there is something wrong with it, checks his clothes. Nothing. The same distrustful feeling from before returns, along with a hard nauseating sensation. 

When class finally ends he thinks about running home, running to Levi and forget about the strange day. Of course, though, he can’t. When he picks up his schoolbag, which feels heavier than ever, the whole thing breaks down and a disgusting avalanche of garbage and smelly food falls from it without notice. Most of it ends up on Erwin’s trousers and shoes, making him smell violently too. 

The whole class bursts into mean laughter as soon as Erwin sits up and realization hits him hard in less than a second. He knows, now, why his classmates were being nice to him, distracting him enough to pull the prank on him for later. Sudden embarrassment flashes his cheeks, but instead of being on the verge of tears, as he would have been once, Erwin only sighs loudly. He closes his eyes and tries to shut off everything else, every noise and every sneering face around him. 

He should have known. But he doesn’t care, not about the prank. He thinks about the things he said, his father words and promises and he hopes nothing will actually happen. He shrugs, shaking his head and going to the bathroom to clean himself up. He thinks about what the consequences could be. He can’t think of anything serious, except for his father getting asked one or two questions more in class and having to shut everyone up. Not that they didn’t deserve it. 

At home his father asks him what happened but Erwin tells him it was all just an accident. He doesn’t tell him, of course, that he accidentally told his titans secret to the other kids or what they had done to him. He keeps his mouth shut, changes into new clothes, and runs off to the woods to meet Levi there. The other familiar boy greets him with the usual light punch on the chest and somehow manages to smell something different about him. 

Erwin is forced to tell him what happened and Levi isn’t happy about it. Erwin asks him to go sit by the big tree and Levi leads the way half angry half sad for him, taking his hand and comforting him with ugly smiles. Erwin is grateful and appreciates the gesture more than Levi will ever know. 

Erwin thinks about leaving home and staying with Levi forever. He thinks about running away with Levi too, beyond the giant walls. He wonders if he would even have the courage for it. When he asks Levi the dark-haired boy only squeezes his hand harder, not saying a word. Erwin’s eyes linger over his unreadable pale face, he looks so calm. He sighs again and turns his head over the sky above him. He doesn’t need to run away when everything he needs is already always with him.   

 

***

 

“I’m bored.” Levi says right in the middle of a playful fight one cloudy afternoon. 

“What?” Erwin asks, as he keeps trying to hit Levi and fails miserably. 

“I’m bored.” Levi repeats, stopping suddenly. He catches Erwin’s fast arm, that was aiming for his stomach, and he stops too, panting and frowning. 

“How can you be bored right now?” They usually enjoy this and Levi never complains, Erwin is right to be confused. 

“Not now.” Levi lets go of the blonde's wrist and straightens up. “I’m always bored.” 

“I... didn’t know you felt that way.” It hurts, for a moment, before Levi rolls his eyes and corrects himself.

“I am bored when you aren’t here. And you are never, anymore.”

“Oh.” Erwin doesn’t know what to say, he feels guilty even though it’s not his fault. He knows that, but what can he do? He can’t skip school every day. 

“That wasn’t a problem last year.” He tries to justify himself, even though not being there as much as he could during summer bothers him too. There’s a weird tension between them, a silent acknowledgment that things are changing and they don’t know how to control it.

“I’m still bored.” Levi pouts, as if Erwin had never said anything. As if his justification didn’t even matter.. 

“Well can’t you play with Farlan and Isabel while you wait for me?” Levi’s eyes cut him, looking like hard iron while they narrow slowly. 

“They don’t know how to play and…” 

“And what?” Erwin asks nearly annoyed by Levi’s stubbornness, or maybe by the fact that he’s letting him down for every day he doesn’t spend with him.

“Nothing.” 

“Come ooon, say what you wanted to say.” 

“They don’t talk...I like to talk. With you.” Levi mutters bending his face down, black hair hiding his embarrassed eyes.

It’s not really a surprise, Erwin had guessed already, but hearing Levi telling him directly like that is different and his annoyance turns to fondness. And a little guilt too. 

He sighs, then smiles. “I like talking to you too, Levi. And you know it! But it’s not my fault. I’m sorry, okay? I’ll try to come here as often as possible.” 

“Promise?”

“Yes of course I promise.” Erwin nods and Levi’s head comes up again. Levi smiles too, hope spreading in his eyes like stars shining in the night. 

They spend the rest of the day playing around some more, reading and laughing. Despite everything, the grey sky and Levi’s complaining, it’s a good day. The tension doesn’t leave them, though. Erwin still feels guilty, weird. He doesn’t like it but he can’t help but feeling something is wrong. 

It’s almost time to go when Levi lays his head on his shoulder, like every time they have to say goodbye, and tells Erwin that he has to go home. Erwin smiles and nods, he starts walking but turns around quickly before losing sight of Levi. 

“Hey Levi, wait a second.” The boy, Erwin notices, hasn’t moved at all from his spot as if he was actually waiting for him to say something more, to come back. 

Erwin tilts his head confused but then shakes the thought away quickly. “I was thinking that maybe… You know, you said you’re bored when I’m not here so why don’t you come where I live?” He starts, mumbling. Levi doesn’t reply, only blinks twice with a straight expression. 

“I’m asking you to come over to my house, Levi.” He clears his throat. “Outside the forest.” 

Levi’s eyes widen and he takes a small step back. He shakes his head and squeezes his eyes, he’s trying to say something but nothing is coming out. 

“Oh, hey, Levi calm down. I didn’t mean right now you can think about it.” Levi stops and looks at him. Their eyes lock and Erwin sees fear. 

“It’s fine if you don’t want to go.” Levi sighs. 

“I don’t-” He starts. Erwin sees him shiver hard once and then, without saying anything at all, Levi leaves. 

“Levi!” Erwin shouts after him loud and surprised, but the boy has already disappeared and he can’t do anything but walking back home. He wonders if that was too much, if Levi will think about it or will hide in his forest forever. 

Erwin is angry too, he doesn’t understand why Levi is so afraid or why can’t he, for once, be the one who goes to him. He makes so many sacrifices for him so why can’t Levi return the favor? He shrugs and sleeps it off; the next day something unexpected happens.

 

***

 

It’s not long after the prank and the discussion with Levi that something changes, something happens and Erwin doesn’t know how to feel about it. He finds himself in the middle of a lively lesson when someone knocks at the classroom’s door. His father turns his head towards it as he finishes laughing about something a kid has said, but his smile drops as soon as whoever knocked doesn’t wait for a response and enters anyway. 

Erwin notices his father’s face turning pale and frowns. The older man’s eyes, surprised and worried, flash over Erwin; he wants to say something but someone interrupts him. 

“Mr. Smith, we need to ask you some questions. We want you to come with us, to the Capital, and we would be grateful if you didn’t resist in any way at all.” The man standing at the door orders, accompanied by other two tall and scary men. He doesn’t even care about the children, he only stares at Erwin’s father and waits. 

“That’s my dad’s friend, he’s pretty cool.” Erwin hears someone from the back of the room. When he turns his eyes lock with the popular kid’s, the one he had shared his father’s secrets with. The kid’s dad is in the Military Police, everybody knows, even he knows now, and a shiver goes through Erwin’s growing body. When the other notices Erwin is looking at him, he smiles. It’s the worst smile Erwin has ever seen. 

When he turns around again he sees his father whispering something to the other man. He doesn’t look cool to Erwin, he looks cold and cruel. 

“Dad..” Erwin says under his breath, wondering why would anybody want to ask him to go to the Capital that suddenly. What kind of questions did they need to ask? He’s father is only a teacher… only a simple teacher. 

“Very well then, I will come with you. Just give me a minute.” His father says, at last, and the scary men nod all at once. 

“Everyone listen, I’m afraid school is over for today. You can all go home.” He says, calm, with an odd smile. Then he turns to Erwin. “Come outside for a second, I need to talk to you.” Erwin nods too. 

All the kids sigh and scream happily around him but Erwin can’t share their joy. He puts his things away and follows his father outside the classroom where he pulls him apart, far enough from the police men, and crouches down to talk to him. He puts his hands over his tiny shoulders and sighs, deeply, looking down at the floor and then glaring seriously at his son. 

“Erwin, I need you to go home and wait for me there. You can tell Louise what happened, I’m sure she will take great care of you.” Louise is their neighbour, the old lady who makes cookies for Erwin, but he can’t think about biscuits now.

“Dad what’s going on? Why do you have to go away?” 

“I’m not going away, son. I’m going to the Capital for a couple of days but I’ll be back soon.” 

“How soon?” Erwin asks concerned, he’s never been alone at home. The thought of not having his father there with him is not a comforting one. 

“Soon. They just need to ask me some boring things-”

“What things? Dad I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry, okay? You will be fine, Erwin, I know you. You’ll probably have fun without me at home for a couple of days..”

“Dad-”

“You are a fine and brave young man, son. I trust you.” Why does it feel like a goodbye? Erwin shakes his head, not sure why his father would tell him now, out of any other time, that he’s brave. That he trusts him. It’s so unusual and he can’t help but start thinking and thinking, his mind spinning. But he doesn’t know. His father stands up, breaking the contact and starts pacing towards the men in uniform. Erwin stops him grabbing his hand fast. 

“Dad please don’t go.” He says in one shaking breath. His father doesn’t look at him, he doesn’t turn his head. He squeezes his son hand’s once and lets go. Erwin sees him walk away, being left alone. 

It doesn’t feel real, it feels like he’s dreaming and he can’t wake up. He tries to tell himself that he doesn’t have to worry, that his father is surely coming back and that he’s going to be fine. They both are. But something else in his guts screams danger and trouble. What if he’s not coming back? Will he be alone? Who would take care of him, who would be there for him when he needs it? Erwin shakes his head, knowing that’s not what he should be thinking about. 

After the initial shock and immobility he moves, he walks and he runs. He doesn’t even have to think about it that, in a couple of minutes, he’s already speeding through the forest. He runs but doesn’t stumble, a weird lucidity keeps him aware of every obstacle. He runs but his breath doesn’t feel heavy, if not it feels like he has infinite air all for himself, ready to drown him any moment but giving him the power to feel unstoppable for now. Finally, he arrives at the glade and there he crashes on the ground, throwing his schoolbag out of the way. 

He knows he’s worrying for nothing, or at least that’s what logic tells him. He knows, but he can’t help but feeling anxious, scared. He doesn’t want his father to go away. He doesn’t want to be alone, without that bit of family that is left for him. 

Once he recovers from the crazy run he stands up, cleans his clothes from dirt and dry mud. When he looks up Levi is there, unexpected and still. As if he was waiting for him. 

Erwin sighs, and goes to punch him lightly in the chest as every other time. Levi doesn’t react, though, and Erwin fears for a second that he is actually dreaming, that he’s imagining things. But he isn’t. Levi moves slightly away from him and goes to sit by one of the usual trees. He looks up at Erwin with unreadable eyes and pats the ground to let him know he wants him to sit down next to him. Erwin does. 

“You are wrong.” Levi says as he leans his head on the trunk covered in heather behind him.

“What?”

“You… look wrong. You run a lot, I can see. Your eyes are worried too. What happened?” Erwin is surprised by Levi’s observation skills for a second but then he reminds himself that Levi is much more than he seems, looks and says. Levi sees things Erwin would never see and he is a smart kid. He smiles, despite everything. 

“It’s my dad…” There’s no point in keeping that a secret, and so he tells him everything. He tells him about his father theories, explaining that they were supposed to be secrets. He tells him everything he knows and more than he has said to the other kids and Levi listens to him silently. 

Levi probably knew half of these things already because Erwin talks more than he would like to, but if he does he doesn’t say. Erwin tells him that he’s going to be alone for a while now because the Military Police took his father and he is gone now, to answer to those damn questions to the Capital. Then he tells him about the popular awful kid too, and as he talks he realizes something. 

“...This is my fault.” He says into the void, no longer feeling like he’s actually speaking to Levi. 

“I shouldn’t have told them anything and- and it’s his fault too.” He shivers. “Yes it’s totally his fault.” Erwin struggles for what he knows is right and wrong. He tries to blame the other child but he knows deep down that he can’t not blame himself too. He feels sick. 

“Your dad will come back.” Levi says, making himself present again, and takes Erwin’s hand. 

“How can you be so sure?” Erwin asks, looking at him with big angry eyes. Levi doesn’t reply, he just shrugs, but Erwin is not angry at him. He sighs, he thinks that maybe he’s over exaggerating and that Levi is right. He trusts Levi, he should believe him. He decides to stop thinking about it, as much as he can anyway. 

“You’re right.” He sighs and moves his eyes from Levi to his school bag, lying on the ground open a few feet away from them. He has an idea. 

“So did you think about it?” He asks Levi. He feels the other’s hand shiver and letting go of him. Erwin stands up, fetches his bag and looks down at Levi. 

“I’m going home,” He states. “Are you coming?”

 

***

 

It takes Levi almost an hour to convince himself to go outside the forest completely, even further than the place they usually go to look at the stars at night.  He keeps telling Erwin he’s fine, he wants to go, but his legs don’t move. Erwin sees him shaking and, instead, keeps telling him that he’s not forcing him to do it. He can stay home alone, it doesn’t matter. 

“No!” Levi shouts, eventually, and shuts Erwin up who waits for him. Levi takes a step and then another and another and finally he’s walking and the forest is behind them both.

Erwin is proud of him but he stays silent all the way to his house afraid that Levi could change his mind any minute. In fact, Levi stops several times. But then he keeps going and Erwin feels relieved. 

“Come on, it’s this way.” He says finally, followed by Levi, when he reaches the first few houses and turns the corner to find his own. Everything is quiet around them and no one either sees them or hear them entering home. 

Levi hesitates when he first touches Erwin house’s floor. He doesn’t have any shoes on as always and the new, fresh feeling of the refined wood makes him jump on the spot. Erwin giggles and waits for him to adjust to the environment. He wonders how all of this must be like to Levi’s eyes, he knows Levi has never seen a true house. Actually he has never seen anything civilized ever, not even a road. Erwin can’t imagine what the other boy is feeling right now, he can only observe him and concentrate on the ongoing changes in his eyes. 

Eventually Levi manages to get used to the floor and Erwin brings him straight to the kitchen, thinking that maybe food will be able to calm him down. It does. Levi sits down on a chair, after looking at it with a frowning expression and severe confusion in his exploring eyes, and when Erwin hands him an apple he devours it. He wonders if he has eaten at all that day. There is still silence between them until Erwin, embarrassed and not knowing how to deal with this, makes tea. 

Levi’s face lightens up and at the first sip he smiles so brightly Erwin forgets about his father for a second. Levi really loves tea. 

In the meanwhile Levi’s eyes are looking everywhere, they grow wild and narrow as he inspects the whole room and Erwin’s gaze follows his. He explains to him what everything is for and Levi looks pleased to know there is a container used specifically to throw stuff away. Erwin laughs, because he’s never seen someone so pleased about a trashcan as he is. 

After a while Erwin closes the open window as the autumn air becomes a bit too cold. When the temperature changes and they both feel warm and safe Levi’s eyes widen and Erwin is worried the boy will actually start crying from relief. The comfort of a closed window against the cold outside is enough to warm both their hearts. 

It’s weird, though, because Levi keeps looking happy one moment and completely terrified the next. It’s like a stormy battle is going on inside him and Erwin can’t figure it out. He wants to show him the rest of the house, and he starts with the little but cozy living room. Levi loves the sofa, he jumps on it and keeps touching around, feeling the softness of it. Erwin also decides he should totally start appreciating things more, stop taking them for granted. 

Levi eventually stops jumping on the sofa and laughing about it, a laughter that echoes between the walls and makes Erwin feel more at home that he’s ever felt, no matter how many years he had already spent there. Levi stands up and starts looking around, ending up in front of the fireplace facing Erwin’s mother simple but lovely portrait; a gift from Louise, who had a strong passion for drawing. 

“That’s my mom.” Erwin says, joining him and standing right beside him. “Well, it was.” He corrects himself. 

“She look beautiful.” Levi says, his voice oddly sad all of a sudden. 

“She was.” Levi keeps staring at her face on thin paper. 

“You miss her.” 

“Yeah, of course I do. She was the best mom ever… I think I will miss her forever.” 

“I know.” Erwin looks at Levi and frowns. 

“What about your mom?” 

“I don’t remember.. but I miss her.” Erwin knew already, he nods and lets the words float between them. 

“I wish- You were lucky.” He says, before turning around and pacing towards the stairs, leaving Erwin there surprised and confused. He was lucky, wasn’t he? At least he had known his mother. She had lived long enough to love him, to raise him and to gift him with peaceful happy years. He feels sorry for Levi, but he doesn’t pity him. Their pain is different but it’s still there, and he still knows how much he hates it when people pity him for his mother’s death. He follows Levi up the stairs. 

Erwin makes him see his own room, shows him his clothes and his desk and Carl’s old tank. Levi decides that the bed is the most interesting part and just as did with the sofa, he jumps on it and approves the comfort of it. 

“So, do you like it? Is it really so terrible?” Erwin sits on the edge of the bed and smirks at Levi, who’s lying spread on the bed, trying to take up as much space as possible. He sits up leaning on his elbows and stares at Erwin with silver bright eyes. 

“I don’t know.” 

“But you keep jumping around!” 

“Yes. But it’s different, too different for the forest.” 

“Different from.” Erwin corrects him quickly and continues. “Well, I know just what will convince you.” Levi frowns and tilts his head, as Erwin exists the room. 

It takes Levi one minute to join him and then Erwin shows him the bathroom. Levi looks at him with a skeptical expression, why would he love such a weird-looking room to him? But Erwin knows, supposes, since Levi is always so inexplicably clean, that he will like it. 

The toilet isn’t really what does it, until Erwin turns on the faucet of the bathtub in the corner of the room and clean water falls down from it. There is clean water there and, Erwin shows him, soap. 

Levi does, indeed, love it. Erwin cleans his hands and feet just to show him how soap works and Levi is shocked and excited about it. Erwin laughs, as Levi almost kicks him out of the way to enter the bathtub and fully clean himself, just to see his skin change color under the soap’s effect again. 

They find themselves in front of the sink, as Levi is playfully pushing Erwin away, when something clicks inside of Levi and then everything happens just so fast.  

There is a mirror, just above the sink, and Levi happens to look at himself in it. It’s only a matter of a few seconds before he lets go of Erwin’s shoulders. He stares at himself clearly for the second time in his life. 

“Levi-” Levi snaps, and their nice morning turns into an utter nightmare for both of them. 

Levi screams, turning his head away from the mirror and punching it. He crouches down and holds his head in his arms as he keeps crying and saying things Erwin doesn’t understand. 

The mirror breaks and the glass goes everywhere. When Levi starts moving around raging and desperate the little sharp pieces on the floor cut his feet. And he screams more, running out of the room and down the stairs, as if they were clean branches unknown to him, ending up falling down ungracefully.  

“Levi!” Erwin shouts behind him, worried and shocked by the sudden behaviour. 

“Levi what is it?” He asks him, shouting over the other’s impossible ranting, as he goes over to help him stand up. Levi shoves him away with strength and Erwin’s back hits against the wall, he hisses in pain. 

When Erwin raises his head up he finds Levi there, a few steps from him, silent, pale and sweating. His face is the portrait of self-disgust, his eyes are so wide Erwin can see his own reflection in them. He starts pacing back, keeping his distance with Erwin, shaking his head restlessly.

“No no no no. No. I didn’t-” Levi’s words run as Erwin steps forward from the wall, trying to calm him down. 

“Levi, Levi it’s okay.” 

“No no no. I go back-” He screams again. “Farlan Isabel Farlan Isabel I need to- Farlan and Isabel.” He keeps saying looking down and back to Erwin over and over again, as his feet don’t stop moving. 

“Levi please. You’re scaring me.” Erwin whispers as he stares at him, mouth open and overwhelmed, still, as he has no idea what could possibly help Levi right now. Levi doesn’t hear him. 

“Isabel and Farlan and the big men-” Levi’s face flushes and then it goes completely pale, his eyes lose their silver color. “The big men the big men they are angry angry so angry they will kill- the big men the big men!” He finishes with a loud cry and Erwin can’t help but watching and wondering what the hell is Levi talking about. What big men? 

“I have to go I-”  Erwin finds the courage to move and touches him again. Levi jerks away and his eyes turn from wide, scared to angry and lethal. 

Suddenly, Levi’s animal side takes over him and Erwin’s first instinct is to run. Run as fast he could away from him. He doesn’t. Levi screams, again, but it sounds more like a horrible deep growl now and Erwin is scared. 

In less than a minute Levi manages to break everything he can find in the living room, from the tiny table in the middle of it from tearing apart Erwin’s mother portrait. Erwin shakes, he can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t even think, nothing. When Levi destroys the portrait he feels his heart breaking in two, but he doesn’t move. 

No matter what, though, Levi is not angry at him. He doesn’t show it, but that doesn’t mean that Erwin is praying with all he can that he would just stop. That’s not the Levi he knows and the fear is starting to grow bigger than his love for him. Levi stops, he gets really close to Erwin and looks at him with red narrow eyes, showing his teeth. 

Erwin stays still, he stares back, blood rushing fast in his veins and his heart pumping in his ears, too loud. 

Then, Levi does something completely unexpected. He leans his head over Erwin’s shoulder, a gesture so familiar to the older kid that it doesn’t seem, feel real. He rests there for a couple of seconds, as they both pant their fear and anger away. Erwin wants to talk, to say something.  _ It’s over, it’s finally over _ , he thinks, grateful. 

Instead, Levi breaks away and without saying anything, without even looking at him he runs away. Erwin shouts his name but it’s too late, Levi is already outside the house running towards the forest. 

It’s over. 

As soon as the adrenaline runs off Erwin has to face whatever damages Levi has left behind. The living room is a mess, but Erwin manages to tidy it up as best as he can. He picks up the broken portrait and tries to put the pieces back together, he does a very poor job of it but at least he can see his mother’s face whole again. Erwin cries for five minutes but then decides that’s enough. He doesn’t eat anything that day, he’s too tired and shaken from everything that’s happened. 

He wonders if Levi got home, his home, safe. He wonders when will his father come back. He wonders how long does he have to be alone? He falls asleep quickly, as he thinks about it.

Three days pass and Erwin makes sure to let his neighbour know about him being alone at home. She feeds him and stays with him in the evening. He tries not to think about Levi, his father, nothing but at night he fails.

Finally, the fourth morning, his father comes home. Erwin has never felt more relieved, except that when he truly looks at his father he notices everything is wrong. The older man looks exhausted, pale, his eyes are always tired and they look at him with something that resembles pity, or sadness, Erwin can’t tell. 

When he hugs him his father hugs him too tight and then, when he lets go, he doesn’t speak for three hours. Despite that Erwin is happy to see him, happy that he’s back. His guilt drops and all his thoughts go straight to Levi after his father assures him he’s fine. He doesn’t fully believe him, but now he can’t help but being terribly worried about his friend.

 

***

 

Once Erwin’s father is back school starts again. Erwin is busy in the morning, still trying to understand his father’s strange and tired behavior, but as soon as class is over he runs to the forest. Doubts and fear almost stop him, he’s not sure he’s ready, not sure if Levi is too. But he goes and tries anyway because he needs to make sure the other one is okay. The thought of having destroyed their friendship forever kills him and he has to fix it. 

The glade is empty. He’s not really surprised and so he waits there, anxious and hoping that Levi will come. He doesn’t, and after hours spent sitting there Erwin goes home. His father doesn’t notice him when he gets home and he doesn’t say hello. Erwin, already sad and disappointed by the afternoon, doesn’t really notice him too. He falls asleep fast. 

He goes back the next day and the day after and then again. Levi is never there. Of course Erwin tries exploring the forest alone to look for him in all the places he can think of but Levi is nowhere to be found and Erwin is too scared to go further. He just waits. 

Days pass and Levi misses Erwin’s birthday too. It’s not a nice birthday but his father seems alive and well again for it, enough to make Erwin smile. He’s grateful he has him, but he can’t stop thinking about Levi. 

At night, he feels like crying but tears don’t come because there is a stubborn part of his mind telling him that he can’t give up. Erwin and Levi have been friends a long time now and he’s sure, he can feel it, that Levi will come back one day. He just needs space and Erwin can wait. Even if it hurts, even if he’s alone and bored and sad again. He can wait for his best friend to come back.

It’s colder now, two weeks after, and the idea of standing still in the middle of the forest doesn’t make Erwin jump in joy but he still goes. As he walks there he wonders what is Levi doing now, if that day is going to be the day they finally meet again. He always thinks that, anyway. 

When he arrives at the glade he sits down and tries to warm his freezing hands rubbing them together. The first puff of cold air comes out of his mouth and he plays with it for a while, distracted, until he hears a cracking sound coming from the trees ahead. His head shoots up so fast his neck could have broken, and something between disappointment and curiosity hits him as soon as he understands, sees, what has caused the noise. 

There’s a fox, right in front of him, red and graceful and.. little? Erwin is not sure but the animal looks very young, it’s probably just lost and scared. However, he smiles at it, and doesn’t move. Afraid of making the wrong move Erwin looks down, peeking from time to time if the fox is moving. It is, it’s pacing towards him slowly and carefully. 

When the fox stops, a few feet away from him, Erwin looks up and stares at it. He sighs. 

“Hello little fox.” He says with a gentle, low voice; he’s trying not to scare it. “Are you lost? Where is your mommy?” He wonders if it even has a mother, somewhere in the forest. Maybe it was killed and now the young fox was all alone. Like him, like Levi. Thinking about it the fox reminds him of Levi, somehow, even though now he would say Levi resembles a cat more than anything. 

“Do you want to be friends? Can I help you?” He speaks again and the fox steps back, as he raises an arm towards it. 

“No, please. Don’t be afraid I don’t want to hurt you.” The conversation makes him think of the first time he has ever talked to Levi, only this time he’s sure the living being can’t possibly know how to reply. He doesn’t even know why he’s bothering to talk with it, it’s not like it can understand. Still, in his head, it helps.

“Come on, come here.” Of course it’s not coming, but it’s worth a try. Instead, though, the fox turns around and starts walking away. Slowly, at first, and then faster and faster until it’s running through the forest. Erwin follows it, curious. 

“Hey slow down a bit!” He says at the fox way ahead of him until he loses sight of it. “Where did it go?” He looks around but the fox, unfortunately, is gone. 

Erwin rubs his eyes and sighs, trying to figure out where he is. He has no idea and now, like the little fox before, he’s lost too. Sudden panic cuts his breath out. How is he going to find the way back? He’s trying to decide which way to go, completely at random, when he hears yet another sound. This time the noise is louder, followed by another and then another. He follows it in silence, as he tries to understand where it’s coming from. 

Isabel and Farlan. He sees them, from afar, as they are comfortably sitting on a fallen big trunk and petting each other playfully like caring cats. Erwin doesn’t hide between trees, instead his legs freeze and he just.. stares. 

They don’t notice him and several minutes pass until they look up and stand joyful and excited at the sight of something Erwin still hasn’t seen. It’s Levi. His first instinct is to run to him. To yell Levi’s name, to hug him and to beg him to reassure him that they’re still friends. But he doesn’t do any of those things, there’s something inside that’s making him freeze and wait as if it was all just a dream, too good to be true. 

He feels nervous and exposed and it’s not until Levi turns his head and their eyes meet that he takes a step back. Back, not forward, as if he wanted to go away. 

The moment he looks at Levi again the memories from their awful last afternoon spent together come back to him as fast as lethal knives all meant to hit him straight in his chest. He’s scared. He feels so stupid for being scared because Levi looks completely normal right now and he’s been waiting for so long to meet him again. It’s irrational and he hates it. He takes another trembling step back when Levi approaches him. 

“Erwin-” The older boy’s pacing backwards becomes quicker and Levi stops. “Where are you going?” Levi asks him, and Erwin stops too. He asks himself the same thing. 

“I-” He starts but the words get stuck in his throat. 

“Let’s go.” Levi, shockingly calm and kind, tells him. After waving a quick goodbye to Farlan and Isabel he starts making way. It takes Erwin a couple of uncertain seconds to move again, then he follows him keeping distance.

They end up at their favorite place, the huge tree feels familiar and Erwin manages to calm down thanks to the lovely sight of the hill. They climb up, still not saying a word, and when Erwin sits down Levi rests close to him. It sends a worried shiver down Erwin’s spine. 

“We are still friends?” To Erwin’s surprise, it’s Levi who talks first. It’s him who asks the question that has been torturing him the last few days. Erwin sighs in utter relief when the words come out of Levi’s mouth. He lets go of the fear and anxiety and everything that was troubling him, shaking his head and looking up at the sky as he breathes out all of his worries. 

Then, he looks back at Levi. “I hope so. Do you still want to be my friend even after… after everything?” He asks, with hope in his eyes. 

As he waits for Levi’s reply he notices how much he has actually missed him, his face and his silver eyes. He looks so young and peaceful, somehow, with his thin eyebrows relaxed over his forehead and his soft lips lifting up in a faint smile addressed to him. 

The crimson and golden colors of the leaves above their heads and the gentle, autumnal light of the sun paint his pale skin of a lovely pink. Levi blushes, whether because of the the warm colors’ reflection or Erwin’s nervous words. 

“Because Levi I don’t want not to be your friend and I’m so so sorry for what happened, if I knew I never would have made you com-” Erwin continues after a quiet silence. 

“Stop.”

“But Levi…” 

“It’s okay. I am sorry,” Levi sighs and looks at Erwin. “Too. I am sorry too but we are friends.”

“So you forgive me?” Levi frowns, tilting his head to the side as the first times. He doesn’t know what that means.

“I’m asking if it’s really okay and if you can… accept what happened and move on and never be angry at me for it again?” Erwin tries to explain as best as he can, biting his lip and holding his breath as he finishes. 

“I’m not angry with you.” Levi says, and Erwin frowns, confused. 

“You’re not?” 

“Why?” 

“Because obviously what I did was wrong and made you… well, it made you scary and upset and I never wanted to do that, I swear.” Erwin half blames himself and half justifies his actions but Levi only shrugs. 

“I’m not angry. And I… forgive? I forgive you.” He repeats Erwin’s previous word. His voice sounds serious and firm and completely honest. Erwin’s eyes widen and then, softly and gratefully, he smiles. 

“Thank you.” He lets it go, because he knows it would be useless to argue with Levi. He decides he can forgive himself too. 

“Erwin?” Levi says. 

“What?" The blond is still smiling down at him. 

“Your dad…” 

“Oh, yes. He came back three days after that morning, I don’t have to worry anymore. He’s fine, at least I guess? He looks weird sometimes and I don’t know why but maybe he’s just tired. He told me that the trip to the Capital is a very long one and people are not as kind as they are here so…” 

“I’m happy for you.” 

“Yeah.. I’ve been coming here every day since that, you know, waiting for you. But you-” Erwin stops, thinking maybe now it’s not the best time to bring that up. He doesn’t want to make Levi feel guilty about it or anything, not after they have just cleared things up between them.

“I know I was not there.” Levi continues for him. “I wanted to come, it’s not that I didn’t want to.” 

“What are you talking about? Then why didn’t you come?” 

“I couldn’t.”

“Why? Did you think I wouldn’t understand or was it for Farlan and Isabel?” Levi shakes his head and presses his lips together. He doesn’t look at Erwin, but then the older child remembers something about what Levi had said and he has to know if it has anything to do with it. 

“Levi, who are the big men?” He sees Levi shaking and his grey eyes widen wildly as the smaller boy turns his head to look, surprised and scared, at Erwin. 

“N-no one.” He lies, swallowing loudly and running one hand through his hair. 

“That’s not true, you kept saying something about them the other day and then you went crazy saying Farlan and Isabel all over again… I don’t believe you. Is that why you didn’t come to the glade and well, nowhere else at all, all this time? Is it because of these big men? Levi who are they-” 

“Shut up. Shut up!” Levi cries in a loud, scary growl. Erwin does, indeed, shut up after that. He stares at him startled, and eventually Levi calms down. 

“Listen, it’s okay. I don’t even care,” Erwin reassures him, lying to both him and himself, of course he cares. “I’m just happy you are back too and that we are still friends.”

Levi looks up at him with wide sad eyes, they make Erwin’s heart break and warm at the same time. He’s not sure he has ever seen Levi looking  _ sad.  _ Angry, jealous, upset yes, but never actually sad. Levi takes Erwin’s hand and squeezes it, bringing comfort to the both of them. 

“Me too.” Levi says, then hesitates. There is something else he wants to say. 

“What is it?” Erwin encourages him, bumping Levi’s shoulder with his own trying to break the awkwardness, smiling.

“I missed the books and the stories and playing and…” 

“I missed you too.” Erwin finishes for the both of them. It’s simple to say these kind of things to Levi, because he knows Levi would never lie about it, always so open and so honest. Levi’s words fill him with happiness too, it feels good to hear them and he can’t help but letting him know how he feels too. That’s what friends do anyway, isn’t it?

After that they drop the subject. Erwin talks about everything that’s happened to him in those last two weeks, tells Levi about the little fox that has brought him to Farlan and Isabel and Levi seems to know what Erwin is talking about. He tells him about the birthday the other has missed and about the delicious cake Louise made for him. 

Levi seems jealous and full of regret when Erwin tells him that he would have brought him a piece of it too. Then Levi talks about Isabel and Farlan, he tells Erwin how he had gotten home that terrible day and how he almost had to talk with someone he didn’t know. Erwin feels sorry, but lets Levi talk some more. 

They spend hours on the branch remembering all the stories they had left behind, playing stupid games like rock-paper-scissors or trying to guess what the other is looking at just by mentioning the color of it. Erwin wins most of the time, mostly because Levi only knows the names of four colors and always points at trees, which is not very hard to guess. It all feels like nothing ever happened, like not a day has passed. 

When the sun starts setting down they decide to climb down, racing for it. Levi wins, but Erwin knew already that he would and it doesn’t really bother him. Once down Erwin stares up at the huge tree, observing it closely for the first time after weeks. As his eyes follow its majestic body they end up on the ground. Where there were pretty flowers in summer now there are tiny mushrooms and dead but beautiful leaves lying together like a rare esotic carpet. 

Levi joins him and looks up at him, tilting his head, as Erwin thinks. 

“Hey Levi, I have an idea.” He grins, moving his eyes to Levi’s curious face. 

“We should dig a hole and put something that belongs to us in it, like burying it.” Levi frowns.

“Why?” He asks, as if what Erwin has just said is the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard of.

“‘Cause then when we grow up we can come back and find those things again and remember about our childhood and stuff. It will be like a symbol for our friendship! Wouldn’t it be cool to come here in a couple of years and remember about this exact moment? It would, I’m telling you this, so let’s just do it.” Erwin convinces -forces, almost- Levi to dig a pretty big hole in the ground for his plan and eventually Levi gets excited about it too. 

Once it’s ready they both stop and look down at it, proud but…

“What do we put in it?” Levi asks, his voice confused but amused.

“Ahem-” He clears his throat, quickly thinking about something. “Well I’m putting a sock there aaand,” He digs his front pockets. “and this piece of paper from today’s class. It’s just a stupid doodle but it’s the only thing I have.” The drawing was one of him and Levi in the forest, but Levi doesn’t see it on time, as Erwin folds it fast and puts it in the hole. Then he takes one shoe off and does the same thing with his sock.

Levi, not owning anything in particular, decides to tear up a piece of his already ruined shirt and lets it fall on the ground. It’s good enough for Erwin. They cover the hole then, leaving a handful of dirt more over it, and they both make sure to count the steps from the tree to remember its position. In the end they both look satisfied with it. 

Eventually Erwin gets home and says goodbye to Levi. He thanks him for the great afternoon. He thanks him again for being his friend and tells him that he can’t wait to read more stories and play with him. Levi nods and when Erwin promises to go to the forest more often, as he had already done once, he grins an excited smile, believing it completely.  

It’s good to know that Levi still trusts him that much, and Erwin has no intention of letting him down. In fact, he needs that too. He wants to stay with Levi as much as possible but now that things are okay between them, knowing that they still have all the time in the world, he feels calmer, he can take his time. It feels like a huge weight has been kicked away from his chest and he can breathe again. Levi’s smile has the same effect on him too. 

When he gets home he greets his father with enthusiasm. He never stops talking at dinner and there’s a bright peaceful light in his eyes that make the world look beautiful. His father nods, listens and smiles as he talks, and when it’s finally time to go to bed he follows Erwin to his room, under his request, and reads him to sleep for a while. 

When Erwin yawns loudly his father stops reading. He puts the book down and runs a kind hand through Erwin’s golden hair lightly illuminated by the warm candle on the night table. He caresses his cheek with a strong hand and Erwin closes his eyes, yawning again while smiling for the caring gesture. It’s weird, because his father never shows affection that way, but it feels very nice at the same time. It feels like the perfect ending for such a beautiful day. 

Erwin slowly drifts off, and just when he’s about to falling into a deep, serene sleep he hears his father talk. 

“I’m really proud of you Erwin, I love you.” He falls asleep with a smile on his face. 

 

***

 

A narrow rey of sunlight pierces through the curtains and softly illuminates Erwin’s young face, slowly waking him up for a dreamless and peaceful sleep. As he comes back to reality Erwin smiles and stretches, sitting up and staring at the world outside through the light cloth of the curtains. It’s sunny outside, which makes his school-free day even better. He stands up and quickly gets dressed before heading to the kitchen as every other morning. 

Once again, as it had happened almost one year before, his father is not there but this time the back door in the kitchen is closed. He doesn’t hear any foreign voice and there’s no smell of breakfast in the air. He worries for a second before noticing a small note placed on the table. When he reads it he recognizes his father handwriting; apparently he’s gone out to the nearest town to run some errands and he’s coming back in the early afternoon.

Erwin sighs and throws the paper away, smiling again as his eyes fly up to the clear sky outside again. There are some white clouds on the horizon but that, he thinks, won’t threaten the good day. He makes himself some breakfast, bread with some butter on it, and then crashes on his sofa reading a book as he waits. 

He thinks about going to the forest but Levi can wait and, besides, he wants to wait for his father too. The memory of last night makes him feel warm with joy and he can’t keep his light smile away. He has never been so happy. He doesn’t need anything but his best friend, a good day in the forest surrounded by nature and fresh beauty, his father and a good book. Nothing can wrong. 

He spends a few hours more reading. He makes himself lunch and he waits again, now impatient to run to the woods and play with Levi. It’s past what he’s used to think of as ‘early afternoon’ and his father still hasn’t showed up. Erwin puts the book down and starts pacing around; he keeps sitting down and standing up restlessly. 

Another hour passes and he starts to worry. He worries like every time Levi is late, he worries like he did before his father had gone to the Capital, he worries, and he can’t help it, as he did the last days his mother was alive. As the minutes start adding up worry becomes light paranoia and no matter how many times he tells himself to stop thinking about the worst there’s a heavy feeling at the bottom of his stomach that tells him all the contrary. Where is his father? 

Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Erwin’s head snap towards it and he runs to open it as fast as he can. 

“Dad!” He says enthusiastically as the door flies open in a jerk. He looks up, grinning, but his smile drops as quickly as it has come when he sees the man in front of him is not his father at all. In fact, it’s the same tall man who had come to talk to his father and had taken him to the Capital for those three infinite days. 

“Are you Mr. Smith’s son? Erwin Smith?” The man looks down to him, serious. Erwin moves to the side, nods, and lets the man in. He’s not sure he’s supposed to let strangers into his house but he’s a man from the Military Police, and no matter how scary he looks to Erwin, he should be able to trust him. 

They both sit down at the table, Erwin still feels short and small as the man looks at him. He clears his throat, and then he starts speaking. 

“As you might know, and as you can see, I am a member of Military Police.” Erwin nods again. 

“However, today I am not here for any matter concerning my usual duties.” He clears his throat again, looking down at Erwin. There’s something strange in his brown narrow eyes, it looks like pride and pity mixed together. 

“Is this about my dad?” Erwin asks. He’s not stupid, he knows that might be the problem otherwise why would anyone from the Military Police be there? Someone he has already seen talking to his father by the way. 

“Is he going back to the Capital? Am I going to have to be alone.. again?” A shudder of betrayal flashes in front of him, if that is the case he’s going to be so angry at him. 

“I imagine you could say that you are going to be alone again, yes…” The man mutters, then his eyes fix on the blond child. 

“Erwin, I’m afraid your father’s had an accident while out of town.” 

“What?” Erwin says, asking a million of other implicit questions.  _ An accident? What accident? Is he okay? Is it bad? Are they doing something about it? When can I see him? Is he coming back soon?  _

“Yes. I’m sorry son-” 

“Don’t call me that.” The man’s eyes narrow and that little bit of gentleness in his voice disappears. 

“Erwin, your father is dead.” Erwin’s blue, shocked eyes widen gradually as the news hit him hard and fast. He knows exactly what dead means, he doesn’t need to ask. He can’t believe it. 

“My father is not dead.” He says, his voice slightly shaking as it gets stuck in his throat. 

“We have been told that your neighbour can take care of you until you reach the adult age. We will help you move, if necessary, but that’s all we can do. In a couple of years you migh-”

“My father is not dead!” Erwin screams, standing up in a jerk as the chair falls behind him. He doesn’t care about his neighbour or being an adult or whatever else the man has to tell him. His father is not dead, he can’t be dead. He’s told him he loved him just the night before, his father… his only friend before and next to Levi… his family. He can’t be dead. Erwin is too young to lose both his parents and his dad would never have left him alone. 

The other man stands up too. He doesn’t touch Erwin, doesn’t give him any kind of comfort at all. “I am afraid he is. The accident was an awful one and he lost his life in it.” His voice is so cold it makes Erwin shiver. “I am sorry, but trust me when I say it’s better this way.” 

“What?” Erwin’s head snaps up. How could he say that about his dad? 

“Go away! Go away my dad is not dead, my dad is coming back! I’ll show you! Go away!” 

Erwin cries out. He starts punching the man where he can reach, obviously not causing any harm, and forces the man out. The policeman exists the house without adding anything else, shaking his head annoyedly and moving away from Erwin’s restless light punches. Finally he closes the door behind him and Erwin is alone. 

The yells end, he sighs exhausted and rushes to the living room, sitting down on the sofa. He waits. “Dad is not dead, he’s not dead and I’ll prove it to that stupid old man. He’s not dead, I’m going to wait here and he’s coming back. He’s coming back he’s coming back he’s coming back. He loves me and he’s coming back, he can’t leave me. He’s coming back he’s not dead. He’s not de-”

A strong blow of nausea hits him hard in the stomach like a remorseless punch. He bends over feeling sick at the sound of his own fast words and the world spins around him, the room is not steady anymore and nothing feels real. He tries, struggles, to keep saying those words to convince himself that his father is coming back but the same instinct as before tells him he’s wrong. The man was right and he’s wrong. 

In a moment of lucidity he looks up, the sky outside the large window framed in wood looks dark. Grey clouds are approaching. They are slowly wiping out every happy emotion Erwin has ever felt, it’s as if the sky was going to be dark forever and he was never going to see the bright blue of it ever again. 

The nausea, the sickness passes and Erwin stares at everything and nothing at the same time. His empty eyes fix on the same void he’s feeling inside and suddenly, he’s numb. He can’t feel, can’t hear, can’t see. 

Nothing around him feels real and he wonders if he’s ever been real too. Maybe if he wasn’t… that would mean his father would never have existed too. And that’s good. Someone who doesn’t exist can’t die. 

He sits and he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t speak. 

He spends hours on the sofa because what does it matter what he does now if no one is going to be there to watch him, to scold him and to take care of him? He doesn’t even think about going to Louise, he doesn’t want her company and he doesn’t care. Why hasn’t she died instead? Why hasn’t he died instead? Erwin doesn’t feel anything. Hours fly away in a whirl of disbelief and emptiness, just like his soul. 

Soon enough Erwin’s thoughts come back. It’s chaos. As he starts thinking every realization, every question he manages to come up with stabs him painfully like a cold knife digging into his heart with the fairest blade. 

His mind starts wandering around hurried and in pure anarchy as he tries to imagine the way his father has died; was it painful? Did it hurt or did he die without feeling anything? Is this what his father had felt when his mother had died? Was that worst? But why did he have to die, why isn’t he coming back? He’s not coming back. 

Erwin feels sick again. Why is he dead?

As he tries to push the gagging feeling down something else strikes him, harder. His blues eyes widen and his eyebrows arch and furrows in understanding. He knows why his father is dead and he’s sure it wasn’t an accident. It takes him so little time, so much courage, to admit what he knows has happened. Revolted by himself, horrified, he looks up and says it. 

“It’s my fault.” A freezing shiver rushes through his body and, in an infinite flash, he can see everything that’s ever happened since the moment his father had told him about his theories. It’s a secret, he had told Erwin. But Erwin hadn’t kept it a secret, Erwin had told everyone about it. It’s a secret. So why did the Military Police want to talk to him? Why had they taken him to the capital.

A shower of guilt traps him. His father knew too much, he realizes, all those things he had told him.. they weren’t just stories. They were the truth and it’s all his fault. This time, he throws up. It feels like being emptied of every good memory he has and the air he breathes right after cuts him like death. 

It’s all his fault and it’s too much. He remembers, in the middle of it all, how relieved he had felt the day his father had come home but he remembers how tired, how worn out and lifeless his father had looked. 

But how could he have known? It’s all his fault anyway and the sickness drowns him, clouding his sight and drying his mouth. 

It can’t be  _ only _ his fault though, it can’t be. He told the others, true, but it’s not his fault if someone has said more. It’s not entirely his fault if his father is dead, because his father was killed. They killed him. 

As the initial shock and denial leaves him something else starts raising in his chest like an unstoppable wave made of humiliation and frustration and disgust and revenge. Anger overwhelms him, drowns him and breathing gets harder and harder until he stands up and dizziness darkens his mind. Erwin will barely remember what happens next. 

Nothing at all warns him when tears start falling down his red cheeks. He’s crying, finally, and he can’t stop as every sob takes precious air away from him and makes him feel helpless and weak. 

The anger makes him feel strong. In between cries and pain he rushes, falling down three or more times, to his father’s office and takes his hunting gun. His father had taught him how to use it, and in a gesture he doesn’t feel, he loads it and just like that he leaves the house. 

It’s cold outside but Erwin can’t feel it, his whole body is burning up and not even the most hostile winter would affect him right now. He can’t think about anything but using the anger he feels inside to put an end to this and make his father death be worth it, revenged. His father didn’t deserve it and Erwin can’t think. 

Dizzy as he is with thoughts blowing louder and faster than the stormy air outside he starts walking. Someone calls him from behind, he doesn’t listen, he runs. 

It all happens in a foggy blur and even if he meant to go the town his feet take him straight to the forest. He didn’t mean it but he’s there and in a couple of awful confusing minutes, accompanied by heavy breathing tightened in his throat, shaking hands and hurt tears, Erwin is lost. 

He looks around trying to make sense of it all, trying to keep his breathing down and not to cry anymore, hopeless. There is nothing but dark trees and damp ground and as the sun sets beyond the menacing clouds everything becomes unclear. Not that Erwin would be able to understand anyway. 

He holds the shotgun close, he shakes and after a while the tears start being kinder on him. He’s lost and alone and he has no idea how to go back home. He doesn’t have a home, not without his father there, he realizes. He wants to crush on the ground, to lose itself there and melt away with the earth under his feet. Pain, truth and death come for him and he can’t push them away anymore. He doesn’t want to go home, he thinks, not now nor ever. 

The sun sets, the rain falls and the forest becomes terrifying. A terrifying heaven Erwin wants to run away from as much as he wants to call it home. Despite everything he is still a child, and children are afraid of the dark. 

The cold rain freezes him to the bone and the strong wind doesn’t help. He looks around, again, he wants to move but his legs don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know which way to go. 

The tall imposing trees suffocate him, he shrinks back. There are noises all around him, noises he’s not used to, noises that belong to the night and to the deepest parts of the forest. He shouldn’t be there and he needs to run. Fear blocks him, it clutches his chest, his heart like a lethal hug, and then silence comes. Only the sound of the heavy rain, wetting him from head to toe, keeps him company. He’s scared. He’s so scared he almost forgets about his father’s death. He clings to his gun.

Suddenly he hears something fast coming from in front of him, it’s loud and deeply frightening and dangerous and- 

 

He fires, twice. It’s quiet again. 

In the wet darkness Erwin shakes, shocked by the power the gun has made him feel and breathless from what he’s just done. Whatever it was that was making that noise, it’s gone now. Dead. 

He decides, confused as he is, that checking is better than dying eaten alive by some savage animal. He gets nearer, the two dead figures become clearer on the ground, and as he looks down he sees a narrow rivulet of blood and mud coming towards him. Then he sees it, whatever it was that he had killed. He sees them. 

Another incredibly powerful strike of nausea overcomes him, as he falls to the ground on his knees. An incredulous hand raises up to touch, to feel that it’s all real. He shuts his eyes close when his fingers barely brush Isabel’s hair. He opens them again, wide and exposed, as he looks at Farlan’s motionless body next to hers. 

The same shaking hand that has just touched Isabel flies up to his mouth. His head shakes and gets dizzy again, the world spins again and again and again and it doesn’t stop. 

“No no no no no no-” It comes out as a monotone cry of despair. The tears still haven’t stopped and they feel so warm, almost comforting, against the cold unforgivable rain. But Erwin doesn’t deserve comfort, Erwin has just killed his two friends. Erwin has just killed Levi’s family. He’s no better than the people who killed his father and the thought almost kills him too, but it doesn’t, because something interrupts it. 

He hears another loud sound and when he looks up, when he finally looks up and realizes what he has done. Real fear obliterates everything else. 

Levi stands a few feet away from him, soaking wet and completely still between two big trees. He’s looking down at Isabel and Farlan, mouth half open and eyes wide. Erwin is shaking and no matter how much he wants to talk, scream, apologize, nothing comes out of his mouth. 

Eventually Levi’s gaze drifts from his dead friends to him, his gun, and Erwin knows he has already understood what happened there. He can see it. 

The blond throws the gun away, his hands still trembling in shock and fear, and gets up as quickly as he can. Levi takes a furious step forward, and Erwin takes a step back without breathing. 

His eyes lock with Levi’s and he can’t help but notice how human, how real -contrary to everything else- they look. Expecting the animal side of Levi to show up, Erwin shivers in something deeper than simple panic. He had once hoped never to see him like that for something he might have done. How wrong had he been. 

Levi’s iron eyes look exactly like his own did a few minutes ago when anger, adrenaline and the strong feeling for revenge had assaulted him. They look like they could- like they want to kill him. Erwin’s chest fills up with one last breath, and Levi is on him. 

It happens so fast Erwin has barely the time to withdraw and defend himself, which he fails to do anyway. Levi brings him down and they roll on the ground roughly a few feet away from Isabel and Farlan. 

Levi is a hurricane made purely of rage and agony and Erwin, helpless under him, can feel, can touch the anger coming from the other boy. Every punch, every kick, every blow hurt more than anything. Erwin struggles to keep up as his tired body can’t help but thinking that he should just let Levi fight him without resisting. 

But Erwin does resist, he fights back in between groans and cries because that’s what he knows how to do. Because there is still anger in him too, coming from everything that has happened that day and he can’t stop it. 

It’s a complete mess. Restless body against body and as they fight Levi’s eyes become red and devastating until Erwin sees that Levi is actually crying. They both are. 

“Stop! Stop, Levi please! I’m sorr-” Levi, seated astride Erwin’s body, punches him in the face as hard as he can, shutting Erwin up and making his head fall to the ground. 

“Why?!” Levi shouts and his wild cry brings Erwin back to consciousness with a loud cough, after the hard bump on his head. Levi punches him again and again, stopping only for his own sake. For Erwin, knowing that he has made Levi cry hurts more than the physical pain. 

“I didn’t… My dad Levi…He’s dead-” Erwin spits blood as words come out weak from his mouth, but then he remembers. He manages to hit Levi back, in the stomach, as the other kid sits up on him and jerks to the side for a moment. 

“You said it was going to be okay! You said my dad was coming back! But then he was gone again and he’s not coming back Levi, he’s not coming back!” Erwin shouts against the other boy with all the strengths left in him, as Levi looks down on him with a broken lip and confused, angry eyes. 

Erwin knows it’s wrong to blame him right now, Levi had done absolutely nothing wrong except for trying to comfort him. He knows, but he can’t help the words. The guilt is too strong and he can’t bear it all alone. 

Rain falls harder on both of them. A loud, terrifying thunder echoes above them like a deep growl, and the sky ligthens up. Erwin gets distracted for a moment and Levi takes advantage of it, striking him again with even more anger, more frustration. In the blink of an eye Levi’s head lowers on him and, before Erwin can do anything about it, he screams in agonizing pain. 

Levi bites him right above his collarbone and, like the wild animal Erwin knows he truly is, he tears off part of the skin. The pain is almost unbearable and Erwin curls forward as more tears fall from his eyes. He’s sorry, he’s so sorry but he can’t tell Levi. He feels like giving up. 

Levi’s feral expression doesn’t scare him anymore.

The other boy raises one arm again and he’s about to hit him again but Erwin speaks, his voice low and hoarse, begging Levi to stop. 

“It’s all true-” He coughs, and Levi listens, shaking, crying. “They killed my dad because it’s all true… what I said to you-” He doesn’t finish, he can’t. Levi gets up to let him breathe again. 

“What? Why?”

“Why… what?” Erwin coughs again, looking up at him and trying to sit up. 

“Why did you have to kill my friends? Your friends? I don’t understand…” Levi sounds lost, and Erwin understands him. 

When he looks up at his hurt face all he can see is heartbreak and broken trust. He has lost Levi, and he has to accept it. He doesn’t want to. 

“We were friends.” 

“We can still be friends…” Erwin hopes in vain. 

“No. Never again.”  

“Levi it was an accident I didn’t- I didn’t mean to I had no idea it was them please Levi, trust me.” He manages to stand up, bending down and leaning on his knees, hoping Levi won’t attack again. It hurts to stand, to move. 

Levi’s face changes again, madder than before. “Trust you?” He jumps forward to hit Erwin again but the last bit of survival instinct left in him makes him move quickly aside. Levi misses.

They both stand, facing each other, panting and crying silent tears. Erwin is not the only one who has lost a friend, Levi has too. Levi, who trusted him and loved him and cared for him. Levi, who made him feel alive and happy, made me feel like he wasn’t alone after all those years. And now it was him who did that to him, to himself too. 

But Erwin is a child, he has no idea what pain and regret and death are. Except he does, and precisely because he is a child he sees all of them with such clarity it breaks his heart. 

“I’m sorry Levi, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” He says, noticing how hard Levi is trying to stay still. He notices his tight shaking lips and his narrowed, upset eyes. His chest heavy with harsh breathing. He looks at him, knowing that might be the very last time he will ever see him, and Levi looks beautiful to him. Despite everything, Levi still looks like a god. But gods shouldn’t be enraged, provoked, and he has just done that. 

Levi stares at him, furious, broken, undone. When he speaks for the last time, it scars Erwin forever. “I will never forgive you.” 

Levi looks like death itself and Erwin has never being more afraid, more sorry. They stare at each other for the last meaningful seconds, Erwin can’t stand it. People outside the forest say Levi is a monster, but Erwin is the true one. 

Levi tries to attack him again, screaming as he does, but adrenaline kicks in and Erwin manages to duck and then, without even thinking about it, he runs away. 

He doesn’t look back, and Levi doesn’t follow him. He runs and he runs and as air leaves him he finally finds himself out of the forest. 

He looks back, making sure Levi has not followed, not sure if that is really what he’s hoping for. Levi is not there and everything crashes hard on him. The pain, the guilt, the sorrow, everything. 

As he falls down on the ground his chest tightnes and his mind tortures him with awful ache, he can’t move and the thought of getting home makes him feel sick. He just lays there, empty and feeling everything at once. Eventually, rain leads him to sleep and Erwin dreams. 

He dreams of Levi, he dreams of his father and of his mother. He dreams of the Military Police men who took his father away. He dreams of the forest, of Isabel and Farlan’s dead faces. The dream quickly turns into a nightmare. He dreams of the same exact thing he had dreamed the night before meeting Levi. He dreams of running, of the trees suffocating him, the red light flashing in the sky like splashing blood and he hears his mother’s voice. He dreams of screaming and of a dark shadow sitting on the trees, flying, mocking him. The shadow sneers, laughs. 

 

_ “Everybody dies.”  _ The voice repeats, as the first time. Erwin cries out, in the dream.  

  
  
  
  


_ “It’s okay.” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so, the warnings, I guess there is death and blood and fighting in this chapter! 
> 
> p.s. AH, I'm so sorry eheheh but not really! From now on things will be interesting, I guess. Next chapter will be from Levi's pov and then they will be all grown up (except for a short break, but you'll like that I think) 
> 
> ALSO thank you so much for reading this! For the comments and the kudos <3 I appreciate every single hit and all :33


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy so this chapter is from Levi's point of view! It's basically what he feels/thinks/lives during that whole year with Erwin but there is more stuff that Erwin never sees or knows about, it might look repetitive but I know it's not, plus Levi's emotions will be different (sorry if you wanted them as grown-ups eheh) 
> 
> thanks for reading and leaving feedback! :3

Levi runs. He hunts, he kills, he runs again. Levi loves to run, to jump from tree to tree. He breathes in the forest’s air and it feels like home. Levi speeds up and lets his body take control. Levi doesn’t understand, doesn’t know the forest is his cage. The forest is home.

Home means green, brown, orange and gold. Home means a red messy head and blue-grey eyes like his. Home means his two friends, brother and sister, and a light fire in the middle of the woods. Home means following the river’s flow and its pure water. Home means the sight of a  sunset from the top of the world, home means nature. 

Home means pain, too. Levi’s head is trained not to think about it; no matter what, though, that feels like home too. 

Home means unexpected shots and noise. Home shouldn’t mean that, not that time of the year, and one day Levi has to open the door to check who it is. 

The first time Levi sees him it strikes him like a tender lighting. Levi stares, he steps forward. There’s another boy in front of him, one like him, one like Farlan. He looks anything but like them. Levi is not used to seeing other kids in the forest, not unless… 

The blonde boy looks at him, he looks shocked. Scared, curious. Levi is curious too. The boy looks at him like he found some kind of precious treasure, Levi doesn’t trust him. He does, though. 

The other’s eyes are the same blue Levi is used to see on the most beautiful summer’s days. He’s so different. He’s staring too. 

All Levi sees is a stranger, with too much clothes on and a funny, creepy face. Should he be scared? He’s never seen another kid. Is he strong like him? Is he one of them? Levi stares. 

The boy takes his shoes off. Levi has no idea what those are. He doesn’t like them, he’s glad Erwin takes them off. Now he trust him a little bit more. Did he already decide that he can trust him? No, he can’t. Think of Isabel, think of Farlan. 

The blonde talks. Levi shivers; he’s talking. He’s talking like one of them, the big men. It’s different, his voice is not harsh or mean. Levi likes the boy’s voice. It’s high-pitched, it’s low. It sounds like a voice he could trust, it’s hard to understand what he’s saying. He can’t trust him still. 

Something else catches Levi’s attention. He takes the bloody sweater and smells him. He can’t possibly trust him. He’s the enemy. That’s the blood of a dead animal, Levi is scared, defensive. The boy is quick to tell him it wasn’t him, he didn’t kill the animal. Levi is not sure how, but he knows what the other is telling him. 

The boy keeps talking and it sounds like morning light. He talks and he talks and he’s asking something to Levi he doesn’t understand. Eventually Levi nods, words mix together in his inexperienced mind. When the other talk it feels like something else is missing in him. Levi wants to underst-

The boy comes forward, Levi freezes. 

The boy, eager and naive and everything that Levi has never seen, comes too close. Levi attacks, he doesn’t want to hurt him. He wants to trust him. He liked his voice, he doesn’t want to hurt him. The boy makes him feel… hope. Something he doesn’t even understand. His heart beats faster. 

He wants to trust him. Can and want are two different things, he can’t trust him. 

“My name is Erwin. Erwin Smith.” Levi understands that. He likes the name. That night, he will keep saying it until his tongue will get tired and the sound of it will feel alien on his lips. Erwin’s name will forever stay with him. 

Levi touches his face, he touches the part where he scratched him before. He sees the other move his eyes on him, thinking he’s just telling him he’s wounded. It takes everything Levi has to touch him, he’s just so curious. Levi shakes his head, thoughts run wild inside his mind and he doesn’t understand. He barely ever thinks like that; Erwin makes him feel new. It’s special and scary and he wants to run away. He stays. He tells him his name. 

Levi. He never cared for his name. He never liked it, always hearing it when he knew it was going to hurt later. Levi stay still, Levi don’t move, Levi this is going to hurt. Levi you shouldn’t have done that. Levi you are a very good boy, you will make a very fine weapon in the future. 

_ Levi, Levi… Levi _ . Levi hates his name. 

He doesn’t, not as soon as he sees Erwin’s face lighten up like that’s the best news he could possibly hear. Erwin’s enthusiasm, reflected in those sad blue eyes, is so different from anything he’s ever felt. Levi likes it. Erwin is refreshing. 

Refreshing, scary like the sounds that follow later. Levi is ready to flee; Erwin promises they will meet again. Levi disappears. 

Levi never thinks, Levi feels. Levi knows he wants to see Erwin again, he wants to know more, he wants to trust. A strong and new kind of feeling. Levi is drawn to him, he can’t show it. He needs to be careful, he needs to think. But Levi only feels. That’s who he is. 

For the first time in forever Levi dreams, and when he wakes up he remembers. It’s the first time he remembers a dream. It shakes him, blood pumping loud and clear in his ears. In the dream, Levi is a monster. He kills and he screams and the hunters catch him. Levi. That’s what his name means. He’s a monster, he’s a weapon. In the dream Farlan and Isabel are dead, ghosts that makes him want to kill even more. In the dream someone saves him. Levi. Erwin calls him, blue eyes make him want to love. In the dream, he’s not a monster anymore. Levi is free. Levi wants to see him again. 

 

*** 

 

The forest is home. Erwin is a breath of fresh air. 

Levi hides the day after, Levi comes out. Erwin looks calmer, better. His eyes aren’t red anymore and he doesn’t smell like blood or fear. Levi likes Erwin’s smell, he inhales and lets the new feeling floating in him. Erwin smells of adventure. 

Being near to him feels different too, that morning. It feels good, it feels like his dream. 

Erwin asks him the weirdest things, he asks him if he’s a god. Levi learns what that means. He is definitely not one, but Erwin seems so convinced. Levi doesn’t understand, Erwin should be scared of him, he should run, he should hurt him, kill me. Instead, he keeps saying he’s not going to hurt him. Levi wants to trust him.

Erwin mentions titans. Levi, this is all for humanity’s sake. The titans will kill us all, the titans will save us. Levi you will be the key, together with the others. No matter what is going to happen you will be our best weapon. Levi, all of this is the titans’ fault. The titans will help us. 

Levi shakes and he wants to scream, he hates that word. Flashes of nightmares he had managed to forget, to hide, come back quick and painful. He nods but he’s not agreeing to Erwin’s words. Levi has never seen a titan, he doesn’t even know how they look. He only knows what they tell him, and to him titans are worse than him. Titans are the demons in his head, titans are the friends he should make just to kill them. Levi doesn’t understand. He never has; his memory always confused, unclear. He knows there are bits missing. But Levi doesn’t think, Levi feels.

Erwin speaks of parents, Levi doesn’t want to miss his mother; not again. 

Erwin looks… weird, when Levi tells him he’s not alone in the forest. His eyes change and the usual enthusiasm vanishes. Levi doesn’t understand why, he shouldn’t envy Levi for that. He doesn’t want Erwin to be sad. It’s part of his instincts, part of something he still doesn’t understand, but Levi wants to protect the blonde. He trusts him and cares. It’s too fast. 

Levi is caught in the middle of his own feelings when the rain hits them. He brings them somewhere safe, somewhere dry. They are both too wet already. Levi can’t help but stare, he sits far. He wants to sit closer. 

The sandwich Erwin gives him tastes like a miracle on earth, tastes kinda weird. Levi loves it, after proving it’s not poisoned. He wants more, but Erwin tells him that’s it and Levi is disappointed. Food means trust, the boy must be one of the good guys. Food like that means new things, Levi has no idea what there is outside the forest but if that is some of the things he’s missing… well, he should fix that soon. Erwin is new, Erwin means the outside world. 

_ Levi, you can never go outside, not until we tell you so. _ Levi never goes. Erwin means hope. 

Levi thanks him, words spilling out like they are not his. His voice feels strange every time, but he likes how Erwin is always happy to hear it. But Levi still doesn’t know what that means, words are not something he’s used to. Not like that. Saying thanks makes him feel good. 

Levi gives him back the sweater. He had washed it in the river, it took him all evening to make it look good again. It smelled like blood, like Erwin. It reminded him of Erwin, the unreal boy who came to him. Or did he go to Erwin?

Erwin promises to come back, Levi observes him as his lips tilt up. He wonders what does that mean, why showing him his teeth if not for showing fear, defense? Levi likes the idea. No, he loves it, he can’t wait. 

Levi tells him he’s not alone. He tells him not to look sad. 

“You and me.” “Soon.” He says so little, it means the world. Levi trusts him a little more when Erwin does that thing with his mouth again. 

Erwin doesn’t show up for two weeks and Levi doesn’t think; Levi feels. 

Levi waits one day, two days, three days. After the first week, Levi’s instinct tells him that he should never have trusted Erwin. Another part of him, a new one, the one that came with Erwin, tells him he should wait. He should calm down. 

Levi doesn’t calm down, Levi hunts and he kills and suffers when they come to take him inside. Another week passes and Levi almost forgets about Erwin. Levi doesn't move. Levi doesn’t, he stays still on the floor and dreams of horrible things he doesn’t remember when he wakes up. He hears the men talking about him, wondering if this time it worked. Levi falls asleep next to Farlan and Isabel in the white clean room. 

Erwin comes back and apologizes. Levi comes and goes; he’s sad. Angry. He doesn’t want to see Erwin when he’s like this. He comes and goes and he never stays more than five minutes. He stays to study the other, to test if he’ll come back every day. Erwin does.

And Levi always waits, even if he leaves that quickly.

Erwin starts reading to him out loud and Levi stays some more. Levi listens to the childish sound of his voice and hears words he’s never heard before. Erwin does his best to explain, Levi understands. He’s quick to catch up and he wasn’t expecting it.

Levi stays more, he curls up and rests next to Erwin. He starts to trust him again. 

Levi starts practicing alone, he starts talking. He repeats words, any word he can remember that comes out from Erwin’s mouth, and he talks. He tries and tries and he puts all the effort he has to sound like the other boy. When they take him, Levi understands more of what they say. Levi soon forgets, like every time. 

Levi never speaks in front of Erwin. 

When Erwin brings the blanker Levi is a bit skeptical, until he puts it on and the warmth makes his stomach tighten and relax in relief. He loves it. When Erwin isn’t there he brings it to Farlan and Isabel; they love it too. Sometimes they wrap themselves in it, they stay close and the gentle heat feels like a blessing. 

It starts freezing outside, but the big men helps him not to feel cold. The only other big man he knows he can trust helps him with that too. People all look so big to him, except for Erwin. Erwin is a child like him, like Farlan and Isabel. Erwin is a new kind of home. 

It’s funny to Levi -for what he understands about things being ‘funny’- how Erwin worries about him one day. Erwin puts the hat on his head, Levi doesn’t think. Levi feels like doing that tilting up thing with his mouth. Levi finds it funny, finds it warm. 

Levi, eventually, speaks. His heart almost explodes when he does, he blushes and he wants to run away when Erwin looks so excited. When he talk to him, it feels weird. It feels amazing and Levi is happy with the sound of his voice now. He practiced, he can do it. Erwin’s voice still sounds better; he loves to hear him talk. It’s one of his favourite things about the boy. 

Sometimes he wishes Erwin could stay all night just to hear him talk. There’s this thing, about Erwin’s voice, that makes him feel safe. Levi. The way he says his name, it makes him feel alive. Levi is not a monster when Erwin talks to him.

Erwin gives him a clock, or what he says it’s called a clock. Levi has never seen one. When he puts it on his wrist Levi shivers, cries inside. When Erwin fingers brush his scarred skin he wants to withdraw his arm away. He likes the touch, though. He doesn’t withdraw, he trusts Erwin. They both look at the cuts on his wrists. Those aren’t his fault, he knows Erwin wants to ask but it’s better if he doesn’t. Levi doesn’t want him to know that part of his world. 

Levi loves the clock. It reminds him of Erwin and the tickling of it at night keeps him great company. He takes it off every time he knows they are going to take him with them again. He hides it; he loves it. 

More days pass. Levi keeps learning and he understands more and more. He’s proud of himself. 

Levi loves the stories. The first time they make one up, he feels over the moon. He wants to be in it, he wants to be Erwin’s faithful companion in it. For once being a secondary character feels great. Erwin doesn’t know he’s the protagonist of much worse in real life. Levi talks and moves and tries to imitate every action he doesn’t know how to say. Erwin looks like bright light to Levi. He loves Erwin’s eyes when that happens. 

Every time Erwin says hello Levi warms up. Every time Erwin says goodbye Levi tries not to think about the day he might not come anymore. Levi hopes, Levi jumps around and run happy and light. For every day spent with Erwin he feels less alone. He knows he has Farlan, and Isabel. He knows he has nature and animals and the river. But Erwin is more. More and more and it feels unreal. Levi trusts Erwin. Levi cares. 

One day Erwin sees them. One day Levi sees him, hidden behind a tree as he’s watching him with Farlan and Isabel. Instinct over logic, feeling over thinking, Levi gets angry. Levi didn’t want him to see them. It’s to protect them. Farlan and Isabel but also him. It’s to protect Erwin from the evil men. They can’t catch him. And they never do, thanks to Levi.  

Levi decides to trust less, but things don’t stay like this very long. Levi is drawn to Erwin. He needs him, needs to stay near him. Needs to see him, his blue eyes and gentle face. Needs to hear him, his voice and his stories. Levi cares and he takes him to them.

Levi shows Farlan and Isabel to Erwin because he knows Erwin is curious. That’s all he can get. 

 

***

 

_ Levi, we don’t want to hurt you. This is for everyone’s sake. It’s something you can’t understand. Levi, stay still. Levi shut up! _ Levi screams.

 

***

 

Weeks pass and Levi learns more. Levi keeps practicing on his own and sometimes he ever tries to involve Farlan and Isabel, it doesn’t work. He shrugs and talks to himself. He talks to animals, plants, the river, and the sun. He’s beginning to love the sound of his own voice. But it’s not enough. No matter what, though, talking to Erwin is always harder. 

Erwin changed his style. He’s trying to teach Levi more and more and it’s not like Levi doesn’t appreciate it but it’s just… boring. Levi can learn in other ways, Erwin doesn’t know how much he already knows. Maybe it’s better that way. 

Levi feels, Levi starts thinking. 

Levi thinks and the cold nights he spends alone in the white, awful rooms start making more sense. Or no sense at all, but Levi is not that happy to collaborate anymore. Has he ever? Erwin keeps him company during the day and that is enough.  

Levi is okay with the learning but he likes Erwin’s stories more. He wants to hear the blonde’s nice voice to lull him to sleep during hot afternoons. He wants to dream more than just nightmares, he wants to live in a world he never knew he could love so much. Erwin is always with him, and that is everything. Levi is still competitive, though, Levi wants to be better. 

He talks for the cookies, he learns how the sky is called and he loves it. The cookies are terrible and Levi is not sure Erwin knows how bad they taste. He doesn’t get angry, he wants to tilt his lips up like his friend does. He doesn’t. 

When Levi hears about the legend sadness overwhelms him. Erwin says it’s beautiful but how could that be? Levi hates being alone, he’s always alone. He knows how it is but he doesn’t. No matter what he’s always had Farlan and Isabel and now Erwin was his anchor too. Levi hates the idea of being alone, far from all of them. He’s not too sure he likes the story but he sure likes the way Erwin reads it. He loves Erwin’s voice. 

He doesn’t like it when Erwin cries, when he teaches him what crying means. Erwin crying makes his heart cringe; Levi knew already what crying is. He just didn’t know it was called that way. Seeing clear tears in Erwin’s eyes makes him sick, makes him remember all the times he silently cried; all the times he cried among screams. Tears were a comfort. Tears are a weakness, but Erwin is crying for him. Levi doesn’t like to see Erwin hurt. 

Levi loves swear words. Not because he likes the word themselves, he loves the effect they have on Erwin. For every one of them he says Erwin laughs and Levi is amazed by it. By the happy sound of it, by the way his face lightens up. Levi learns and loves it. He starts practicing those too, he always apologizes after. When he’s alone memories of Erwin reacting to them make him feel safe, they make him feel happy and warm. Levi doesn’t even know what happiness is, except now he does.

Happiness is all he has to hang on when the big men get to him. Sometimes, most of the times, it’s not enough. Screams and blood replace laughter and smiles. Levi cries, he knows what it means now. When he hears Farlan and Isabel cry too he drowns in anger. He can’t do anything about it, he hates it.

He never tells Erwin.

One day the sight of Erwin makes his throat tighten and his heart beat a little too fast. Erwin looks worse than the first day he’s ever seen him. He looks upset, angry, sad. His face is pale and his breath feels heavier than usual. Levi, just for a second, fears the big men got to him too. Maybe they found out about his friend, maybe they took him, maybe they hurt him. Levi didn’t know he had that much control because instead of freaking out and getting angry right away he asks Erwin what the problem is.

Relief is all he feels when Erwin tells him what happened. Classmates beat him up, they made fun of him. That’s okay, that’s very bad. Levi feels the same feeling of protection for him as he does usually with Farlan and Isabel. Levi cares, he puts the blanket over Erwin. He hopes Erwin can feel better that way. 

They play a game, it doesn’t end well. They talk about Erwin’s dad, they talk about Farlan and Isabel. Levi still doesn’t like to talk about them that much, he trusts Erwin but he doesn’t trust him just that much. Erwin is insistent. Erwin wants to know how is it that Levi and the others manage to live in the woods alone. Levi doesn’t want to tell him. Levi remembers. Kenny. Levi knows a man, someone he can trust, who helps him live by. The big men are supposed to keep him alive, fed and out of danger but Levi knows that most of the times he’s survived thanks to Kenny. There are many things Levi still doesn’t understand, the man never tells him but he’s always been there and he’s always taken care of him. Sometimes in the worst ways, but Levi trusts him. Levi can’t possibly tell Erwin. That’s his secret to keep. Who knows what could happen. Levi feels, but Levi thinks too now.

Erwin apologizes, he puts a shaky hand over his. Erwin calls him friend. 

“I’m your friend.” Levi says, Levi means it with all his heart. He takes Erwin’s hand in his and squeezes. Levi shivers and his chest fills up with something new, something that makes him feel like he’s on top of the world but all he’s ever needed for that was Erwin. It’s the first time Levi lets him touch him, the first time he wants to touch Erwin. He likes the way the other’s hand feel in his. It’s different from Farlan or Isabel’s ruined ones. It’s soft, warm, lovely to hold. Levi is tense at the beginning, he’s excited and scared and he knows nothing could go wrong but he still can’t be sure. Levi trusts Erwin. They are friend, and he doesn’t want to let go.

 

***

 

_ Levi stay still. Levi don’t move. _ Unknown hands touch him all over to make him calm down -he doesn’t work- and Levi screams in the middle of the night when blood runs down his arm and all he wants his Erwin to be there to hold his hand. Levi squeezes his eyes shut and thinks about Erwin. And he thinks and he thinks and he thinks until the pain is too much and the world shuts down. _ Levi- Is he still alive? Yes. It didn’t work. _

 

***

  
  


Levi gets better. He makes Erwin proud, happier. Levi talks more with him too, he shows him the progress he’s made and he’s amazed every time Erwin looks so glad about it. Levi tastes new food, that feels good. Levi finds new ways to observe Erwin, he learns more about him and he becomes very good at avoiding Erwin’s puppy eyes effect. Levi feels, Levi thinks and Levi is not that stupid. Sometimes Erwin wants too much and Levi cannot say or do all his friend wants. 

There are things Levi doesn’t know, though. When he’s alone, thinking about Erwin’s ugly face that looks so interesting to him or about the way he talks and tells his stories Levi wonders what else there is to know about him. Levi doesn’t know what there is outside the forest, how does Erwin lives every normal day. He wishes he could know, he can’t wish for that.

It’s not often that Levi worst side comes up. The animal, the instinct part of him reserved for the bad days, the ones he passes in the only four walls he knows, isn’t hidden as well as he’d like. When Erwin makes him look at himself in a real mirror all hell breaks loose. 

Levi told Erwin, he thought he never had seen his image reflected somewhere, Levi had lied, or better yet Levi didn’t even know he did. When he sees himself, after observing his thin face, his clear skin and black long hair; after wondering if he really is the boy he sees in the mirror.. Levi remembers. It’s worse than just a memory, it’s a flash of painful, horrible moments he had forgotten. Had he forgotten on purpose? Levi doesn’t even know.

All he knows it’s what he remembers. Levi is angry, mad, he breaks the mirror and his eyes change, his mind changes too. The same feeling he feels every time they make him… every time they let him kill, they let him lose control overwhelms him and he can’t stop it. He doesn’t want to see himself as every time he did in the single surface above his head he sees before the worst happens. He doesn’t want to attack Erwin, doesn’t want to hurt him. Levi's head spins around and he hates it but he loves it-

Erwin is smiling. When Levi sees him smile, he comes back to life. Levi wants to forget about this too. He shakes it off, he dreams about it at night. Levi hates that part of himself, that isn’t him. That can’t be him, he’s only a child and he knows that now.

 

***

 

When Erwin asks him to meet at night Levi manages to sneak out and not wake Farlan and Isabel up. He looks at the hour, concentrates on the watch for a moment. He really likes it. 

Erwin wants to take him outside the forest. Can he trust him? Should he go back? Levi ends up taking the lead because Erwin got lost and he should have expected that. He’s half amused half pissed for it, but he grants Erwin his wish. 

Levi is scared when it comes to making the last steps to go out. Erwin’s hand, that has been holding onto him all night, leaves him and Levi has to do this alone. He’s never been outside, what if the catch him? No, he’s been careful. No. He needs to do this, he trusts Erwin. He says it. Erwin gives him the strength he needs to walk forward. He doesn’t regret it.

The night sky, the stars, the moon- it’s almost unbearable. Levi isn’t used to such beauty, is that even what that is? The stars shine and he can’t stop looking. He looks at Erwin too. Erwin stares at him. He wonders how many night he has missed like this. It’s not that he’s never looked up at night he just never… and with Erwin, everything feels different. It’s beautiful, it’s too much. The stars reflect in his eyes and he hopes they look just as enchanting as Erwin’s. He loves Erwin’s eyes. The look like the sky, the look like shining stars. 

Erwin tells him to wish upon a shooting star, tells him not to say it out loud. Oh, and Levi wishes. He wishes so hard it hurts, his heart stops and he can’t breathe for a second. He thinks about Farlan and Isabel, about all he has go through, the pain, the sadness, the unfair life he’s living. He thinks, but this time he feels again. He feels more than he’s ever done and he doesn’t wish for things to change. He wishes for things to stay exactly the same, he wishes to be with Erwin forever. He wishes he could tell that to the boy too. 

They spend the night there, they tell stories and they enjoy the gentle light of the sky. It’s the best night of Levi’s night and he doesn’t want it to end. Home is the forest, home is the sky full of stars, home is Erwin.

Levi has to ask, at this point, what is it that Erwin always does. Why? How? Erwin smiles, and Levi knows what that is, finally. Levi knows and he can say for sure now that he loves Erwin’s smile. It’s better than any star, it shines brighter than the moon in his eyes. Home is Erwin’s smile. It feels safe, comfortable, great. Erwin makes him forget all the bad memories and he doesn’t know whether that is because at night everything feels different or anything else but for the first time in his life Levi can say he’s not afraid. 

Levi smiles, or at least he tries. Apparently it doesn’t look as cute as Erwin’s one. Levi laughs, embarrassed and amused but the other’s reaction. Laughing feels amazing, laughing is like letting go and drowning in happiness and bliss. Laughing with Erwin is even better. It comes naturally to him when the blonde is near. 

Erwin goes home, Levi goes back to Farlan and Isabel. 

Levi goes back to the free sky a few nights more. Levi laughs, Levi loves, Levi feels. 

 

***

 

Summer comes and the forest changes around Levi yet another time. Levi loves summer, even though sometimes it gets too hot and his head is not able to handle it. But the colors are beautiful, the river is fresh just enough to enjoy it and, this time, around he can add the fact that he gets to spend more time with Erwin. They spend almost every day together, Erwin stays more and Levi appreciates it. 

With Erwin there, Levi tries not to think about everything else. 

Erwin gets restless with the temperature -or maybe it’s something else- but Levi sees him change. Levi doesn’t care, really, it’s nothing he can’t handle and the other boy is still his friend. Levi trusts him no matter what. Only sometimes Erwin asks too much and Levi doesn’t trust the forest and the dangers that come with it. Levi knows how to avoid wild animals, the big men and the hunters. He learned his ways around them, but Erwin doesn’t know and he has to protect him. 

Levi takes Erwin to the cave that glows, or that is what it is in his head. He remembers going with Farlan and Isabel but when Erwin looks completely different, under the flowers’ effect, Levi regrets it. That hadn’t happened with his two friends. He knows it’s not Erwin’s fault but for a moment the blonde scares him, hates him. Levi apologizes. Erwin says it’s okay. 

 

***

 

Levi loves summer, but one day it all feels different. One day it’s too much, one day they go too far. 

They let him go after hours of experiments, screams and shots piercing through his skin. They let him go along with the others. Levi barely remembers whatever has happened, only knows that all the big men kept saying was that it’s not working yet. It might be working on Levi. Levi.

He feels sick, he’s cold. It rains and the wind is like a knife running right into his fragile, strong bones. Levi thinks maybe this is it, that’s the end. Of course, it isn’t and Levi isn’t thinking of it. He’s feeling it. 

His mind runs to Erwin and his body is able to relax, let go of the things he has seen and felt that day. He thinks of Erwin and he looks down at his watch, it’s only a matter of time before they meet again. Levi loves that moment, the happiness on Erwin’s face every time he sees him again. It’s like they are both never sure the other is coming and every time it’s a huge relief. Trust.

Levi is still too cold, and while he approaches the glade he thinks maybe he can use their blanket. He can’t find it. He lost it. How could he have lost it? 

After that Levi feels angry and frustrated, trying not to think about the previous events, and when he meets Erwin it’s hard to keep a healthy mask on. He can’t, but lucky for him it starts raining harder.

They find repair in the same spot Levi had taken him months before. Levi is cold, he’s boiling and his head is dizzy. Dizzier than he thought and not even Erwin is enough to keep his instincts up. It’s cold, and Erwin tries to warm him up. When Erwin hugs him Levi freezes. Not for the low temperature, not for the air and not for his current state. He freezes, because he’s letting Erwin hug him. Letting him close enough to hurt him, but Erwin is not going to hurt him.

After a minute of discomfort, fear, and doubt, Levi lets go bit by bit until he realizes Erwin’s arm around him feels safe, not harmful. Erwin’s sweet smell cuddles him into a quite, unexpected sleep. Levi isn’t cold anymore, his mind drifts off and his head falls over Erwin’s shoulder without him even noticing. It feels good to be held like that. 

When they wake up and their noses bump Levi feels his face warming up, feels a tight feeling in his stomach and even though what he knows to be embarrassment swallows him, he feels good. Better than before, warm and safe. Warm and safe. Warm and safe; that’s what Erwin always makes him feel. 

As the pain continues back in deepest part of the forest, Levi enjoys summer. Levi enjoys Erwin’s company and comes to love those moments where he can share with him touches and hugs and hands held tight. It comes naturally and without any worry, Levi trusts him. It’s a different kind of trust now, stronger than before, deeper. Bonding between animals, boys, children. Levi starts touching more and it only feels like it’s always been that way. He notices Erwin is more self-conscious of it but Levi can gain his trust too. He wants it.

For a couple of days he’s free. No one looks for him, not even hunters. For a couple of days Levi can say to be truly happy. He heals faster than he knows and strength comes back as powerful as ever. He feels so alive, he thinks more, talks more. The hotness is the only thing stopping him from being active as he’d like, until he has an idea. One that Erwin loves too.

The river is a great idea. The water is refreshing and Levi can feel his body reacting to his commands once again. Levi wants to play, wants to touch and fight. He wants Erwin to let go and give him more than just words, he almost wants him to be like him. Like Isabel and Farlan. Levi considers him family anyway… now that Erwin has truly explained to him the meaning of the word he understands that is exactly what Erwin is to him. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, sometimes it feels like Erwin has come from nowhere and he’s there only for him and only him. Like a guardian angel, like the friend he’s always needed. One that didn’t know what was going on in the forest. 

They fight and Erwin is weak.

No. That can’t be. Erwin is taller, older, he has more muscles and even though he’s not used to Levi’s lifestyle he shouldn’t feel so weak.

No.

Erwin isn’t weak, it’s Levi who is strong. Stronger than he knew. When they fight he can easily take him down, he has to concentrate sometimes to control his strength. He hits Erwin, he has fun but he can see the other is struggling. He tries not to think about this too, not to link this to what they constantly do to him. He tries to, he wants to feel and enjoy the moment. Erwin doesn’t complain anyway, and he likes him for that. 

Erwin lets him fight and there’s no limit. Levi gives him bruises, he points at them, feels guilty but Erwin doesn’t seem to be bothered. It’s okay, Levi knows Erwin probably likes it. Erwin is… weird, sometimes. 

Weeks pass and Levi makes the doll. He puts effort and care into it, he likes it. He remembers a story where a little girl used to make dolls after everyone she loved, it seems fair enough. After the first moment of fear he understands Erwin likes it too. Levi made it to show him that there’s no moment he doesn’t wish to be with him. He had thought about keeping the doll to himself, but it’s a gift. Erwin has been so good and nice to him it’s the least he can do even though he doesn’t even understand the reasons behind it at first. 

Levi is still free. No one comes for him; it’s unusual but he doesn’t complain. Not even Kenny shows up and he, Farlan and Isabel are left alone. It’s too good to be true, but summer goes on.

As Levi practices his talking and Erwin keeps changing into an angrier, sadder boy he’s new to, the other boy comes to talk to him about a friend. Another friend, like him, that didn’t talk. It takes a while to register what kind of friend Erwin was talking about, a turtle. But the turtle has a name and that makes it important. Levi has Farlan and Isabel. Levi doesn’t want Erwin to have anyone but him. It’s not something he thinks, he feels it. His heart cringes and his chest hurts and every time he hears the name Carl he wants to grip Erwin’s arm and take him with him in the middle of the forest, to never let him go. 

It’s obvious Erwin cares about the animal, but Levi doesn’t care. Levi cares when he puts Carl down in the pond and he sees Erwin’s face. He doesn’t look happy, he doesn’t look glad to be with him, he doesn’t even seem to be thinking about Levi. Levi cares but he hates it, he wants Erwin for himself. Levi doesn’t think it, Levi feels it. Because everything he finds that’s worth keeping he can’t let go. Not with a life like his own.

Eventually he feels sorry for Erwin but it’s better for the turtle too to live in such an environment. Erwin spends several weeks being sad about it; he never tells Levi but Levi knows. They forget. Levi forgets, the sadness on Erwin’s face looks deeper. Something more than turtles and lost friends. Sometimes Erwin talks about his father, things Levi doesn’t want to hear. Not because he doesn’t care, but they trigger memories bigger than the both of them. It’s better to ignore.

Still, Levi wants to do something about it. Erwin helps him every time by just being there, without even knowing it, he can make the effort. He wants to. Levi decides to take Erwin to a place he had discovered several months before. It’s his favorite place. He can be alone there, he can think he can feel he can remember good things. He always thinks of Erwin when he goes there, and now he can take him with him. He can share.

Sharing, Levi learned, feels better than he had thought. Because Erwin is part of his life now, Erwin is home and he deserves Levi’s attention. He taught him how to speak, how to think, how to care, how to love in a different way. In a human way. 

Erwin loves the place, he sits up on the strong branch with him and they both look at the sun as it goes down. It’s beautiful, a concept new to Levi. It gives him the same sensation Erwin makes him feel. Warm, safe, loved. Blue replaces red and the sky changes. Levi hopes Erwin’s mood is changing too. He doesn’t want him to be sad. To feel wrong. 

 

***

 

_ Levi. Wake up. It’s working. Levi. _ He wakes up, sweating and crying. He doesn’t want it to work. _ It’s working. _

 

***

 

It’s easy to make Erwin meet Farlan and Isabel, easier than he had thought. Farlan, Levi knows, is the one who is going to have more problems with Erwin. Isabel is too young to know. They both trust Levi and they care enough to meet Erwin. Levi wants his two friends to meet what he considers the other part of his family. Levi wants to feel like they can be all together, no secrets, no worries. Except for the one all three of them have to bear.

Luckily for Levi they can’t talk. He really doesn’t like that they can’t talk, it’s something he likes to do now. It reminds me of happy memories, of Erwin. But at least, they can’t tell Erwin the bad things he’s being trying to hide so hard. 

When he leaves them alone with him he’s anxious. Excited. Scared. Hopeful. Is it okay to risk it all for Erwin? What if they get hurt? What if something happens? But Levi trusts Erwin. What if Farlan and Isabel hurt Erwin, though? No. He trusts them too.

He knows better than he knows himself. He knows them way better than Erwin too. The relationship he has with them is different, it’s something that goes beyond a normal friendship. Beyond any kind of human relationship. It’s different than what he has with Erwin too, no matter how special the boy is. But Levi is getting there, to feel like Erwin is one of them too. 

Sometimes he doesn’t want too, though. Sometimes the idea of Farlan and Isabel with someone else is upsetting, sometimes the idea of Erwin with someone else is able to make him sick. But he did it, he brought them together and he had no idea it could feel this good. 

It feels good when Isabel hugs Erwin and Farlan smiles at him approving of his new friend. It feels good when they run to the river and life fills his lungs. It feels good to see Farlan and Isabel laugh, after hours spent seeing them cry. After seeing their faces worn out, empty eyes and silent tears. After seeing their arms full of red scars and purple bruises, along with his own. It feels good.

It feels good to see Erwin smile, after those weeks of sad faces and angry words. It feels good to fight with him, not to hold back. It feels good to be with his best friend, friends. Levi is happy. Levi feels happy. 

When he fights with Erwin in the river he can’t help but focus on him. Erwin is all he sees, all he touches and all he feels. Erwin with his wet blond hair, blue eyes reflecting the color of the sky above them and a smile that makes his heart stop. Erwin who is also only focused on him, who challenges him and lets him win. Because he can’t win. 

It feels good. 

 

***

 

When Levi asks what love is Erwin gives him an answer he can’t understand. Erwin talks about parents, about people saying each other’s name in a special way. When Levi asks what a kiss is, the answer is even more confusing. Erwin laughs, but Levi doesn’t understand. Is it like a wolf licking its cubs to clean them? Levi has no idea but when Erwin kisses his hand he doesn’t know what to feel. 

Levi doesn’t understand love, but he feels it even if in a different way. He just doesn’t know. 

Levi is more worried about Erwin’s expression and mood. He looks sad, the kind of sad Levi doesn’t know how to solve. Levi takes him up, lets his eyes marvel at the sky’s beauty. Levi thinks about Erwin has just said… you kiss someone when you like them. Is it really that simple? It makes sense, after a while, in Levi’s head. He loves talking but it’s in his nature to follow gestures more than words. 

It’s that simple. 

Levi kisses him on the cheek. Erwin’s skin is soft, warm. It’s weird, but he needs him to know that Levi likes him. Levi is his friend, there’s no need to be sad when he’s with him. He never says it, it’s something Erwin never gets to hear. Now he knows. 

Erwin says he’s scared. Levi is going to be there for him. 

Erwin says he likes him too, Levi feels warm and safe. 

 

***

 

Levi feels warm and safe, until things start to change. Summer ends and Erwin has to go back to school. The nights spent in the stinking and suffocating room multiply and has more time for himself. To think, to feel wrong. 

He doesn’t realize that being sad, angry for Erwin’s lack of presence is something that he could control. He doesn't understand the anxious feeling that starts in his stomach and finishes with a strong headache when he thinks about what’s going on between them. Levi is still his friend and Erwin is still Levi’s friend. Levi hasn’t changed, Erwin is. 

One day Erwin tells him what the other kids have done to him at school, he doesn’t like it. But Erwin, as always, manages to make the problem feel like it’s not even a problem. Like that was normal, it was supposed to happen. Levi has a hard time believing him.

Levi tells him, then, that he’s not happy. He’s bored, he’s restless, he misses him. He doesn't tell him that directly… but Erwin doesn’t comfort him like he would have done once. He tells him it’s not his fault. Levi is confused, why is Erwin getting angry at him? But Erwin calms down. The tension between them stays, they say goodbye. Levi doesn’t want to let him go, he doesn’t know why but it feels like if he lets him go home now he will never come back. 

Erwin asks him to go to his house. 

Outside the forest. Outside his own home. Leaving Isabel and Farlan behind, leaving the big men behind. 

No. He can’t. They will know. Isabel and Farlan will be scared. He can’t. He will be scared. 

Levi runs away.

 

***

 

For once, Levi finds himself at the glade without actually waiting for Erwin. For once, Erwin surprises him, because when he looks up he’s right there. 

Erwin doesn’t look, doesn’t feel like his usual self. Levi makes him talk and understands about his father missing, about Erwin being worried. He doesn’t actually understands, but he can reassure Erwin he doesn’t have to worry. His father will come back. It feels weird to say that… how could he know? But it’s the least he can say.

Levi agrees about going to Erwin’s house. For his friend. 

If someone had asked him, Levi couldn’t even have begun to explain how scared he was. When he steps outside the forest, farther than he ever stepped, his heart feels like it could explode any moment. His head throbs and if it wasn’t for Erwin’s hand holding his tighter than ever he would have run away. Sometimes Erwin lets his hand go, sometimes he takes it back.

Everything is new to him. From the walked road to the open sky, from the houses they eventually meet to the people around them. They don’t bump into anyone Erwin knows, the late morning is quiet and peaceful but no matter how comfortable the day is Levi has a hard time keeping it together. The earth under his bare feet feels tougher, the air lacks the usual smell of nature he’s used to and the silence around them is overwhelming. Where are the birds singing or the leaves brushing together thanks to the soft usual breeze that blows in the forest? Even though everything looks open, free, Levi feels like being caged into a world he doesn’t know.

But Erwin is there, and for every step, he takes he feels a little less scared. 

Stepping inside his house is less weird than he thought it would be, it’s a closed space. It’s okay for now. His feet get used to the wooden soil fast enough and Erwin’s scent fills his lungs with a deep breath. It’s already better than he thought. Fear doesn’t leave him completely, though.

Levi crinkles his nose and his eyes fly everywhere, he finds everything so fascinating, scary and strange. Erwin gives him tea and he feels warm again. The beverage reminds him of his mother, or whatever little he remembers of her. It’s nice. 

Levi manages to stay calm, at least on the outside, as Erwin explains to him as almost everything is for. He’s grateful for his friend’s calm as well. It seems like nothing has ever happened with his father and that he’s just the same Erwin as always. 

Levi notices how the cold doesn’t reach them inside the house, and it’s grateful for it too. It’s something he has never felt, especially not inside of the only room he knew. 

The sofa sends Levi over the moon, he loves it. 

Erwin shows him the portrait of his mother. Levi feels envious, sad, it’s unfair.

Levi loves the bed too. 

Despite Levi’s first skepticism the bathroom is his favorite room. Levi knows Erwin probably doesn’t understand, doesn’t know how important for Levi it is to be clean. It’s not a question of being, it’s a question of feeling. Every they finish experiment on him, every time they let him go Levi runs to the river and washes himself up. It’s a way to forget the bad times, a way to feel free. It’s something that brings him calm and pace and makes him feel a little more human and a little less like a monster.

Erwin shows him how to use soap, he gently washes Levi with it and Levi feels like crying. He’s not sure why, for the soap’s cleaning effect or the kindness Erwin puts in the gesture, careful not to scare him. The moment passes soon enough and Levi becomes lively, playful again. He wants the bathtub all for himself, maybe Erwin can come back later. So he starts pushing him, as they laugh and wrestle, until Levi catches his own reflection in the mirror above the sink. Until Levi stares at him consciously for the second time now and this time he can’t control it. 

It’s stronger, worse than the last time. It’s been too much recently. Levi has been on the verge of a breakdown for the things they have done to him for a while now and seeing himself, remembering against his will, spiraling right into the awful nightmare those memories are is not helping. It doesn’t help and Levi hurts Erwin. He doesn’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t even realize what is happening.

Levi feels sick, when Erwin falls down the stairs, when he looks at him and he sees pure fear in his eyes. Levi is scaring him, but it doesn’t matter because Erwin is not the only one being scared. Levi wants to throw up. Being there, seeing Erwin, feeling the floor under his feet and breathing alien air reminds him of where he is. Where he should be instead and what the consequences will be. Levi loses it. 

They will knows. They will catch him, they will take Isabel and Farlan and they will hurt them too. They are not going to be merciful, they are going to kill them. If not something worse. Awful, violent thoughts spin in Levi’s mind and when Erwin touches him, tries to calm him down, tells him he’s scared Levi’s human side vanishes completely.

Levi doesn’t want to think. Levi feels, he destroys and he lets go. Flashes of his own face, of his skin being torn apart, oh his friends’ face in pain run in front of his eyes. Levi doesn’t think. He feels, he cries out, he stops. 

He’s numb, just like he always is after a bad night. His red and silver eyes look up at Erwin and life comes back to him for a moment. He knows what he has done, he knows Erwin will never come back to him now. What has he done?

He says goodbye. He says sorry in his head. He runs away. 

Being outside without Erwin almost kills him, the fear in his chest chokes him and when he bumps into a man he screams. He runs again, faster than ever, until he manages to get back to the forest again. He runs to Farlan and Isabel. They are still there, alive, safe. 

When they see him Levi realizes how he must have looked, but does nothing. He lets them take care of him. 

Levi sleeps.

 

***

 

Two weeks pass before Levi sees Erwin again, but he doesn’t even have the time to think about him during the first one.

No matter how much he had hoped, hidden, they had found out about him. They knew he had left and punishment, as he had feared and predicted, came. It came in a way he wasn’t expecting and in words he knew would come.

Words that tells him he can never try to do that again. Words that hurt him more than cuts and bruises. Words that threaten his friends, words that make him feel like the guilt is going to kill him faster than them. But he doesn’t die.

Not even when they try to.

It rains that night, the night when Levi finds out him, Farlan and Isabel were never the only kids. The night it hurts, it stings, it makes you throw up, it kills him. But it doesn’t. The night most of the other kids die after the big men treat them exactly like they did with Levi. The night he survives. The night it works.

Levi doesn’t die. 

After that, they let him go and life goes back to its natural course. Levi stays with Isabel and Farlan as much as he can, scared for them to get hurt. He tries to keep the screams and nightmares away. He tries to feel again, not think, but his mind can’t help but wander around. Levi is almost sure, now, that Erwin will never show up again. Not after what has happened.

Except Erwin does. 

 

***

 

Levi makes sure they are still friend, he asks Erwin and when he looks at his face he sees guilt. Something Erwin shouldn’t feel, and Levi tells him that it wasn’t his fault. He wants to be his friend. He doesn’t want Erwin to hate him but when Erwin tells him that’s not what it is at all Levi drowns in utter relief. There is still something wrong, though, in the way Erwin talks. Acts. Looks. 

Erwin asks him to forgive him, he explains to Levi what that means and of course Levi does. He never meant to put their friendship in danger. Never meant to hurt Erwin and he doesn’t want to let him go now. He’s family. Can he still be home?

When Erwin asks him who the big men are, Levi screams, suffers. He can’t tell him it’s too dangerous for everyone and it’s better that way. Erwin doesn’t ask more and Levi is grateful. More relief. And so they talk a while and everything feels exactly like it was before. Levi, after days of pain and doubt and anxiety and emptiness, feels something again. Feels happy again. 

Erwin makes him dig a hole, he says it’s for when they grow up. Levi likes the idea, he likes digging a little less but it’s okay. He wants to remember him, wants to remember this moment. It means coming back to happiness. He doesn’t have anything to put there, he goes for a piece of his shirt. He thinks for a second to put his wristwatch down there but he needs it, and it reminds me of Erwin even more. It’s a proof he exists, he’s his friend. 

Erwin promises to come visit him more often. That night, Levi falls asleep with a smile on his face. 

The next day, Erwin doesn’t come. 

 

***

 

“Why?!” 

The punches don’t stop, Levi can’t keep it in. Levi hates himself, Levi hates Erwin, Levi hates Farlan and Isabel for not being careful enough.

They are dead.

Shock is not enough to describe what he’s feeling. Pain isn’t too. What is he feeling?

Levi can’t stop hitting Erwin, letting go. He’s still human. He’s an animal. 

 

***

 

“Why did you have to kill my friends? Your friends? I don’t understand…”

 

***

 

“We were friends.” 

“We can still be friends…” Erwin says and Levi is sure he’s never wanted to hurt someone as much as he wants to hit Erwin now. He betrayed him. He trusted him. Erwin ruined it all. Erwin was home and now he’s a monster. Blue eyes that once reminded Levi of summer and laughter turn into a nightmare.

Levi trusted him. Levi can’t help but cry, friendship was never supposed to end like this. They were friends, now all Levi sees when he looks at Erwin is death.

“No. Never again.”  

 

***

 

“I’m sorry Levi, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Levi doesn’t hear him. Levi doesn’t hear Erwin when he tells him his father is dead, he knows but he doesn’t listen. His friends, his family are dead too. Erwin was family, how could he have done something like that? Levi doesn’t hear a word he says, his broken heart louder than anything else around him. 

And he wants to hit him. He wants to make Erwin suffer for every second he blinks and his vision blurs with blood and the faces of Isabel and Farlan. Dead. It’s too much.

Levi wants to kill Erwin. Levi is an animal, a monster, just like him. Trained to kill, trained to make others suffer. 

Erwin gave him hope, courage to truly live and now he gave him anger. Death. 

Levi is only a child.

 

***

 

“I will never forgive you.” 

Levi knows what he’s saying. Levi has never felt more alive, more aware of his words. More human. 

 

***

 

When he misses and Erwin runs, Levi knows it’s because he held back. 

 

***

 

Levi trusted Erwin. 

Levi cared for Erwin. 

Levi loved Erwin. But his friend, no- his enemy, he tore apart all the good that was in him. 

Erwin is an enemy now. 

But Levi let him go, when Erwin ran he didn’t follow him. He froze, he stood still, his head spun fast and he didn’t follow. 

Levi cries, he cries all night and he cries all day. 

Levi never cries, not unless someone makes him with force and physical pain he can’t resist. But he cries. He cries for his friends, for Erwin. 

He lets him go because no matter how angry he is, no matter what Erwin has done, Levi cares.

Levi screams louder than ever. How could he care? How could he still care? 

Erwin broke his heart, but Levi doesn’t want to let him go. He let him go. He doesn’t want to see him ever again. He hopes he does, one day. 

Maybe he will kill him then, when he won’t care anymore. Maybe he will love him then, when he won’t want to kill him anymore.

Levi cries.

 

***

 

Tears stop. The pain doesn’t. 

 

***

 

When Levi runs away Kenny helps him. It’s a new life in a city that scares him, that he doesn’t know. He fights and he survives, that’s the only way he knows how to live now. 

Levi can begin again.    
  
  


Levi doesn’t cry again. 

  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hellooo, so this is a very short chapter because it's something in between Erwin's childhood and adulthood, it's really short but kinda important and I just... really wanted to write Erwin as a teenager eheh I hope you will enjoy my idea of him as a boy! 
> 
> warnings at the end

“Another one!”

“I don’t think you can take it.” The sound of a glass breaking, someone too drunk to stand up falling on the floor in the background.

“Wanna bet?”

“I bet you're going to pee in your pants if you keep drinking like this.”

“You’re so unfair, Mike.” He drinks some more anyway.

“I also know you. And I can already smell the scent of your drunk ass miles from here.”

“What is it with this guy and smelling everything anyway?” That is a fair question.

“That’s good old Mike for you.” He has no idea how he does it, he’s always accepted his best friend’s nose for what it was. Nothing to fuss about, besides it was useful sometimes. Mike could smell a pretty girl -or a pretty boy- miles away other than his drunk ass. That was, indeed, useful.

“Old? I’m not the one turning eighteen in a day.”

“Exactly the reason why we’re here.” Erwin smiles, a glass in his hand and the other clapping over Mike’s shoulder. He laughs, blue eyes crinkling on the sides. 

The air around them is thick, heavy and it stinks of alcohol, smoke and sweat. Mike and Erwin have chosen a small but always busy tavern full of soldiers and drunks, coming and going, to celebrate the day before Erwin’s birthday. Mike had protested, said they should have celebrated the day after that but Erwin didn’t want to change his mind, stubborn as ever.

Erwin didn’t want to celebrate on the right date, turning eighteen meant growing up. It meant responsibilities, it meant the end of a lawless era. That was the last day of his freedom. He already had duties and joining the Survey Corps hadn’t made his life easy. But it had been his choice after all. Erwin was reckless, but not enough to get kicked out of the Survey Corps. Erwin, against everyone’s belief and first impression, knew how to behave, knew his place and how to obey orders.

But that didn’t mean that he couldn’t live a little when life permitted it. It also didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy pulling prank on his commanders (never getting caught, with a mind like his and Mike’s that would never happen and another kid would always get in trouble in their places… whoops). Erwin had fun, but he also knew who he had to respect, what to do. There was a reason if he was one of the best cadets.

Everybody knew, because he had talked about it more than anything else, that he was very serious about his role in the Survey Corps. Serious about having a career, but more than that serious to finally defeat all the titans. Retaking a world that belonged to humanity, fulfilling his father’s dreams… paying off promises and debts. Making it up with a certain someone.

Usually, no one even knew what this blonde energetic guy was talking about but his reputation came before him. So no one questioned it. The only one to know was Mike. His best friend and best partner in crime. There was no Erwin without Mike and no Mike without Erwin, there hadn’t for the last three years.   

The air is thick, heavy and it stinks of men. It stinks of life. Erwin loves it.

There’s someone seated at the counter who reminds him of his father for a single painful moment. Same hair, same glasses and same thoughtful eyes looking down at nothing and everything. But he doesn’t want to think about his father, not today. He wants to free his head and not to think about anything.

Red flashes, dark and confused, appear in front of his open eyes.

No, he definitely doesn’t want to think about that night either. But there’s no way to separate the two. Thinking about his father meant thinking about the forest too. The forest, the blood, lost friend and unforgivable sins. Erwin shakes his head and drinks, coming back to where he is. Smiling at Mike some more.

He notices the other boy who’s with them is staring at him. Erwin smirks down at him, because of course he notices, and in the matter of a second the other turns his face on the side and blushes. He’s slightly drunk too but he has something in his eyes, something Erwin likes.

The air is thick, heavy and Erwin’s mind starts spinning around but it’s nothing he can’t hold. He feels alive, for once he can’t forget. That’s the point.

In a minute of comfortable silence, followed by the loud noises and voices around them, spent on drinking and thinking about their lives, Erwin allows himself to stare a little. He and Mike hadn’t planned on taking the other boy with them, he was simply a friend they had made during training and boring lessons. But they had caught him outside the tavern so they thought _why the hell not?_

Erwin looks at him, his eyes everything but shy as they linger on his pretty face. The softened light of the place is gentle on his young features. It makes him look younger, it shines over his black hair and his narrow green eyes turn into a golden grey. A colour well hidden inside Erwin’s memory. He grins when the boy looks at him again. This time, he doesn’t look away. _So he’s not as modest as I thought._

“What’s your name again?”

“You must be really drunk if you don’t even remember our friend’s name here.” Mike coughs and laughs. They are both big boys already but they can’t avoid the alcohol’s effect forever.

“Then you tell me what his name is.” Erwin challenges Mike, leaning dizzily over him and then over the other one, seated on the other side of the table.

Maybe he is a bit drunker than he thought, it’s probably just that air he’s adoring so much.

“...Robert! No. You don’t smell like a Robert at all.” The other boy laughs and it sounds nice, his cheeks blush some more against his pale skin and he doesn’t move away when Mike leans in to sniff him.

“Maybe he’s a L- Lewis. Or something.” Erwin says and stops before humiliating himself. Not that anyone would know why that would be. His mind is spinning in the wrong direction, but it’s not his fault. It’s the other’s eyes. They look almost like his- _no stop it. You don’t even remember the colour of his eyes. You don’t..._

“Erwin, did you look at him? Did you smell him properly? This guy’s name couldn’t possibly start with an ‘L’.” Mike replies quickly and focusing on the other boy quick enough. “It’s obviously something with R… Ryan? Rory?”

“Do you guys want to make a competition out of this or should I just tell you?” He doesn’t look offended at all, if anything it seems like he’s actually having fun with the misunderstanding. He knows Erwin and Mike aren’t bad guys anyway, they all are just a bit drunk.

“It’s R-”

“No, wait!” Erwin says, looking back up at him and then straight back to Mike.

“If we can’t bet on the drinking, because you know that would spoil all the fun, let’s bet on this.”

Mike stares at him for a solid serious moment, raising his eyebrows up and wondering if that is the right choice. But it’s his best friend’s almost-birthday, he can give in for once. Hoping Erwin won’t get too careless after.

“Done.” Erwin grins at him, challenge in his eyes. They hear the black-haired boy sigh but they don’t care. “So what are we betting here?”

“Oh, right. I say that who loses has to…” Erwin looks around, thinking of something fast. “The one who loses has to go to those Military Police men over there and do anything to make them really angry.”

“Erwin-”

“And! And who wins gets another three- no, let’s make it five free drinks. Of course, somewhere else because I’m not sure we’ll be able to stay here after one of us picks a fight with those guys. That is not realistic.”

“Realistic? Erwin that could get us in a lot of trouble.” Mike laughs it off but there’s something tense in his voice, something that says he knows Erwin is not backing down now.

“So what? You better get this great boy’s name right then.” He smirks. Let him live like a real teenager for the last day. Erwin doesn’t want to think about anything today, let him spread some mess around and let him breathe. That’s what he thinks. That’s what Mike sees in his eyes, what convinces him.

They both turn to observe him, they narrow his eyes and start saying a name after the other.

“I say it’s Ross.” Erwin begins.

“What? Ross? Nah, it’s probably Ruben isn’t it?” The boy without name shakes his head, he smiles and drinks. Somehow his eyes keep flying over Erwin.

“Not even your nose can guess name, my friend. Is it Ronnie?”

“Rupert?” He still shakes his head.

“Maybe we should try for something more exotic… Is it Rafael?”

“What? What kind of name is that?”

“I don’t know I read it somewhere in a book.” Erwin protests. It really doesn’t fit him, but he tried.

“Rei?” Something lightens up in the boy’s eyes.

“It is not!” Erwin says loudly.

“It’s not Rei, but it’s very close.” Almost-Rei says as he smiles right at Erwin. Maybe this time, it’s Erwin who blushes, cheeks warming up as the other keeps staring with such lovely eyes. The one who looks away embarrassed for a moment. Mike doesn’t even notice.

“What about Rex?” Erwin tries again. “No?” Apparently not.

“Renner?”

“Ren!” Mike shouts from Erwin’s side. He stands up in a moment of pure excitement and pride, pointing at the boy and grinning like a drunk idiot. “It’s Ren and I’m sure because now I remember it. Your name is Ren!”

“No it’s not!” Erwin shouts over Mike, standing up with him.

“I think it is, it’s Ren.” Ren laughs and raises a glass to Erwin, biting his lips as he stares.

“I can’t believe I lost to you, Mike.” Erwin sighs, smiling while looking at his friend.

“I think you should have known. That’s what you get when you bet against me.”

“And I can’t believe your name is Ren, Ren.” Erwin finishes his drink all in one go. “Well, this only means someone needs to talk with those lousy men over there.”

“Erwin are you sure-” Mike tries to stop him but Erwin has already stepped forward, didn’t listen to him.

Instead, before going, he stops by Ren and bends down to whisper in his ear. “You have a very pretty name, by the way.” He feels the other shiver. Erwin doesn’t look back as he straightens up and goes off, but he does laugh quietly to himself. He really likes this Ren boy, pity he hasn’t noticed him more before.

The air is thick, heavy and it stinks of men Erwin has been disgusted with all his life. This time, they come around for a good cause, though. Meaning he can have fun.

“Excuse me, sir.” Erwin says, voice smug and proud, after tapping on a soldier’s shoulder. The man is fast to turn around, interrupted from his noisy talk and already bothered about Erwin’s sight.

“What is it, boy?” The man says, laughing and stressing the sound of the word ‘boy’, as to mock him in front of the others. They laugh at him too.

Erwin’s dizzy head is already done with them and their ugly faces. He smiles. “This _boy_ is fairly curious.” He begins, leaning an arm over the short man’s shoulder. “I just want to know why you are all here drinking and having fun instead of doing your jobs.”

A quiet laughter escapes his mouth but the other man has already moved away from him, frowning. He- they all look pissed, and it took so little.  

“You know since you’re supposed to be out there and be sure everything is in order. Supposed to protect people from danger all of that.” He waves his words away.

“Hey, kid! I really suggest you keep your mouth shut. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I? But I keep my mouth shut then who will do the clever talking here?”

“This blondie is already getting on my nerves. Make him shut up.” Another one says, from behind the soldier Erwin was addressing to.

“Make me shut up?” Erwin giggles, taking a step back from them. He takes two forward, and it stinks even more. “I’d really like to see you try.”

It doesn’t take much for the man to throw the first punch, unbalanced and missing. Erwin is surely not the only drunk one there. If anything, he’s the soberest one. He sniggers as he easily dodges, still graceful no matter the alcohol running in his young veins.

“So it is true! Your lazy asses can’t even hit a boy right. Who do we even let protect us?” Erwin mocks them away, deeply meaning every word he says. He thinks about Nile, his best friend along with Mike once, for a moment… the choices he made. The disappointment he had felt when he had told him.

“Shut up!” Other men roar in front of him, and that’s all he’s here for. Anger, people shouting, fighting. He feels Mike coming from behind him. For a moment he thinks he’s there to tell him to stop, but he should never underestimate him.

“Oi, don’t think you can have all the fun for yourself.” Mike smiles down at him, his sharp eyes lightening up.

“What happened to the ‘we could get in trouble’ part?”

“I am a very loyal friend.” He says before someone else tries to punch him too in the face. Obviously failing at it.

The air is thick, heavy and it smells of men who want to forget about their shitty lives with a punch and a kick more. After that, it takes exactly a few words more and some broken glasses for the real brawl to begin. Ren joins them too, even though he keeps fairly distant from the toughest guys, but Erwin is happy he’s there with them.

He and Mike behave like a real team.  They cover each other’s back and even though someone gets to hit them every now and then, and there is a serious age gap between them and the Military Police men, it’s obvious they are winning.

People in the background shout and cheer for Erwin and Mike and Ren. It’s a nice feeling, to have someone counting on them to beat those assholes up. Nothing no one is against to. No matter what, no matter the pain some of the punches give him, Erwin laughs. He laughs and breathes heavily and as his heart beats faster than ever, he lives. The adrenaline runs in his veins quick and tense and free and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to.

Mike looks exactly the same, and Erwin is grateful to have someone with him in this. Mike is a loyal friend indeed.

A chair flies over them and a table breaks when Erwin flies one of the soldiers over it with a strong kick.

“Did you see that?” He shouts at Ren, turning quickly to look at him. His blue eyes are firing up and when they lock with Ren’s grey-ish one a lively tremor overwhelms him. The boy with familiar features is grinning right at him, nodding and looking proud and excited just as he is.

“Hey wait a second! I know who you are.” Someone says to Erwin, in the middle of the chaos and noise as he stops in front of him. Erwin tilts his head confused, a habit that didn’t go away, and frowns. The tall man in front of him looks older than the others, he stands and observes him carefully.

“That blond hair… those eyes. I saw you somewhere else, didn't I? You have a familiar face.”

“What?” Erwin asks, dodging another flying chair. “I seriously doubt it, _sir._ ”

“What’s your name boy?” The man is fast as he grabs his arm, tight and hard.

“What? Let me go.” Erwin spits at him. But the other man doesn’t let go. “Erwin. It’s Erwin Smith.”

The man lets go and laughs. It’s such an awful sound and Erwin doesn’t like it. “So that’s who you remind me of! Your stupid idealistic father.”

“What do you even know about my father?” A switch lights on in him, one that shouldn’t be touched.

“I know he was a mad man, that’s what I know. Going on and on about his damn theories, saying we all forgot and titans aren’t the only monsters! As if humanity could ever be worse than those giant beasts.” Erwin freezes, he shuts up and waits for the other man to continue, because he knows he will. He has something else to say.

“I still remember the day they killed him.” His drunk mouth is letting out more than Erwin should ever have known, they had told him it was an accident. That was what he had to know, even though he didn’t believe it. But now his doubts could truly finish. So they did kill him. Anger, real rage, starts forming in the pit of his stomach. His lips press hard together and he watches, waits.

“I remember the way his body just fell to the ground. I remember everyone saying it was all his kid’s fault, that he had talked too muc-” He has not the time to finish.  

Erwin screams and punches him, harder than he’s ever punched anyone else. He screams and hits and hits and he doesn’t stop. The other can barely talk, breathe. The attention quickly shifts to them. Erwin feels like no punch, no kick, no broken bone and no loss of blood will ever be enough to satisfy him now. His vision blurs as strength accumulates in his body.

It’s not his fault, not his fault, not his fault- “It’s not my fault!” He screams as he feels someone picking him up strongly and keeping him steady; Mike. Erwin would have cried, if he still had tears left. But he didn’t. And he knew it was his fault. But hearing someone saying it… he wasn’t ready for it yet. One day he will be, but not today.

“Erwin! Erwin calm down!” Mike shouts behind him, turning him around and keeping his restless arms still.

“Mike. Erwin.” They hear Ren calling them from behind. “I think we should go…”

“You three! What’s going on here?” That wasn’t a voice of a drunk man. That was a voice Erwin, Mike and Ren knew even too well. It was one of their superiors speaking, and they were in trouble.

One look at each other, common sense coming back to Erwin, and in a flash they start running. They leave the military police soldier Erwin beat up on the ground -where he belongs- and let their legs take them outside the tavern as fast as they can. Erwin manages to let out a choked laugh and his other two friends go along with him. As soon as he exists the stinking place he fills his lungs with new, fresh air and his head clears.

“Stop there!”

“Shit! Erwin, they’re right behind us.” Mike shouts to Erwin as they try to run away through the crowd of the busy street.

“Ours or Military Police?” Erwin asks, making sure to have both Mike and Ren at his sides. He does.

“I think it’s both!” Ren pants, he’s slower than them and he’s trying so hard to keep up. It’s not his fault, shorter legs aren’t an advantage in this case. Unless you’re someone with the qualities of a flying god.

“Let’s split up.” Erwin suggests quick, Mike only nods. They, as much as they wouldn’t like to admit, are used to this kind of situations. They know what to do, Mike knows where to go. They will meet in their quarters later, it’s not a problem. In a second Mike takes off and turns left, Erwin loses sight of him in less than a second. He grins, proud of his friend.

“What about me?” Ren asks, terrified and hyper at the same time. Poor boy really isn’t used to this.

“You come with me.” Erwin says, takes his hand and runs faster than before as he the soldiers’ voices getting closer.

He takes his hand. He never took Mike’s hand when they would run away, never took anyone’s else hand in all those years either. He takes Ren’s hand.

Erwin doesn’t have time to think about this, the damn boy is too short -too short, like someone else- to keep up. They need a plan.

And they need it fast.

“We need to hide.” He tells him as his eyes keep searching for a right place.

“Where would someone even hide in a town like this?” Erwin has the solution. It’s exactly because it’s a town like that, that they can hide better than they could in a forest. The forest-

“Here.” Says Erwin as he drags him into a narrow alley hidden in plain sight in one of the major squares of the city. People walk and run around outside of it, and no one notices them. It’s safe there. Unless you really look for it.

“Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while.” Erwin suggests with a vaguely drunk smirk. The alcohol is still in his system, but he can think better, faster now. He can take it. It was just the heavy, stinky air that caused him to be so dizzy before. The adrenaline from the run helps too.

Erwin wishes he could calm down, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to. He needs to feel alive. He feels empty, numb. Words about his father -it’s not my fault- come back to him and he needs a distraction.

Ren is standing in the middle of the alley, panting and trying to regain his breath. Erwin looks at him, he has the chance to observe him some more. It’s true he reminds him of- But he’s different, anyway. He will never have the same strength, for once. His eyebrows are too thick and his cheekbones are way too high. His hair is not as black and his forehead is larger. No matter how you want to look at him, though, he is an attractive guy. Someone Erwin has no reason to turn down.

Adrenaline flows fast in him. He needs a distraction. It’s right there.

“What are you doing?” Erwin is fast and with a decisive movement pins him against the wall, his hands pressing tight on his arms.

“Tell me you haven’t been staring at me all night, and I’ll let you go.” It’s a whisper, it makes Ren shiver just like it had in the tavern. Erwin’s face is closer now, he stares at him. They both blush, even though that wasn’t Erwin’s intent.

“I…” He gasps. “I have but-”

“What?” Erwin gets even closer, breathing over Ren’s mouth heavily and without leaving him too much space to think. When Ren looks up at him Erwin knows he hasn’t imagined him. The other boy wanted him too. Erwin knows he’s not an ugly boy, not anymore. He has grown into a fine young man and he knows how to use it.

“But... what?” He repeats, waiting. He doesn’t want to do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing. So he waits, hoping. He really needs a distraction, and Ren is a cute one.

“What if we get caught?”

Erwin giggles lightly. “That’s the point of hiding, isn’t it?”

“O-okay but you are…” Ren swallows hard, and their noses brush just enough to make Erwin want to lean forward and- but he doesn’t.

“Ren, what is it?” He asks instead. His father didn’t raise him to be a jerk. A stubborn clever guy with a cutting tongue? Maybe. But not a jerk.

“You’re a boy. We can’t- I don’t-”

“What? You don’t like boys?” Erwin moves away just enough to look at him straight in the eyes. He smiles, chuckles.

“No, that’s not it but if they catch us- And maybe you don’t even feel like I do, I mean…”

“Are you asking me if I like boys?”

“...yes?”

“Seriously?” Erwin stares at him, brows raised, his eyes studying him, going up and down as to show him the situation they’re in. Has Ren missed the fact that it was Erwin who pinned him against the wall? That it is him that has clearly wanted something from him first. But Erwin knows how not to lose his patience, besides it’s cute to see Ren getting flustered about the whole thing. Erwin has had years of practice for learning how to be patience.

“Look,” He starts, brushing Ren’s cheek with one gentle and still half-bleeding hand from the fight. “it doesn’t matter to me. Boys or girls, I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yes. Is that a problem? I don’t see why I can’t enjoy both. Life is too short to care about that, if you ask me. There are bigger issues in this world. So yes, I feel like doing this.” Erwin says, serious, smirking. He gets closer again, letting his hand move from Ren’s cheek to his neck. He tightens it ever so slightly, as the other shakes under his confident touch.

“So?”

And then it happens like magic, fast and unexpected. Something strong awakens in Ren and Erwin finds himself pinned against the wall, in the other’s place, with a jerk. Ren is not shy anymore, not insecure and he doesn’t wait. He doesn’t ask Erwin if it’s all right and he doesn’t reply to his answer. Ren kisses him, standing on his tiptoes and bringing the blond down.

Erwin lets him, _finally_.

They kiss and it’s rough and it’s quick and it’s painful too because Ren bites and pushes and Erwin is still sore from the fight, with a broken lip and a big bruise on his cheek. But it’s fine, it’s exactly what he wanted. A distraction, mixed with arousal and thrill. The thrill from the mess before, from the run, from Ren touching him all over without regret. Erwin is grateful for it, he doesn’t need someone gentle, not now.

He wonders, for a second, where that boy has come from. He had seemed so innocent, just a moment ago. But he guesses that was only the fear from the boy-liking-boy thing. Ren is a completely different person. Erwin has a good eye.

He keeps thinking and his mind is about to wander a bit too far off when Ren pulls away, panting, and stares at him. His pink lips are swollen and full, Erwin has to control himself. Or maybe he doesn’t care if he can’t.

He kisses him again, tasting the blood mixed in both their mouths, when Ren moves away from him and starts tracing kisses down his jaw, his neck. Erwin’s head falls hard against the wall behind him and lets the shorter boy kiss him and bite him all he wants. He groans, as something twitches in his pants and he realizes just how aroused he is. _Shit._

But Ren is better than Erwin hoped and knew. No matter how young they both are, Ren is quick to fall down on his knees, tear Erwin’s pants open and stroke him until he’s completely hard.

Erwin’s vision blurs and he can’t help but smile and let his thoughts lose their straight way. He doesn’t want to think, not when there’s a strong hand making him raise his own to shut himself up from being too loud.

Erwin groans, even louder, when Ren takes him in his mouth. Erwin has to grasp his head and pull his hair in order not to lose it. Or not to punch the wall. He wonders if that is pathetic or maybe if he’s just too drunk to care. It’s probably because he’s still young and hormones win every time when you are a teenager.

But tomorrow he’s going to be a man, he won’t be able to do this anymore. Not if he wants to keep his promises, be responsible and work, work and only work. Work for a better world, work for his father’s sake.

The wet, hot feeling around him heats him up. Blood pump loud in his ears and the noises from the town become a distant sound he can’t tell apart. Ren goes faster, deeper and Erwin bites his hand down. He squeezes his eyes shut, for the whole time, until he feels like it’s going to be too much. He tightens his hand on Ren’s hair, who moans around him and makes him shake hard. Erwin moans too, messy blond hair falling over his forehead, sweating, mouth parting as his own breath takes too much space in his lungs.

Erwin opens his eyes, still completely lost from the pleasure, and looks outside the alley. There is a figure there, a familiar black head and a familiar stature. Ren helps himself with one hand and Erwin’s eyes widen. But not for that. For the familiar figure, person, boy.

It’s Levi.

It’s the Levi he knows, knew. In the city. In the middle of the square, among other people. It’s Levi, looking exactly the same only older. What is he now, sixteen?

It’s Levi.

Erwin breathes harder. His heart is so loud but for a whole minute nothing else matters if not that black hair, that pale perfect skin, those thin brows and lips, that sharp nose, those silver eyes. Silver eyes that shine in the sunlight and lock with his own.

Levi, Erwin realizes after a numb moment of pure disbelief, has caught him already and he’s looking at him. Staring, leering, studying him. Erwin smiles a creepy smile, his eyes lighten up and it doesn’t feel real. Erwin smiles but he shouldn’t be smiling. He should run, call his name, apologize again and again and again but he can’t. Erwin stares and smiles and a single tear falls down his cheek without him even noticing.

Levi’s expression is hard to read, as always. But his eyes, no matter how far they are, they are… They are made of the matter of Erwin’s deepest nightmares. His heart breaks a little, his body shivers in cold and warm shock. The feeling of Ren’s mouth on him leaves him just enough to focus on Levi’s look only.

His expression is empty but his eyes are wide and then narrow and he can see the surprise in them. Surprise, anger, sadness, violence, disappointment, awe. They are the mirror of Erwin’s past, and looking at them is dangerous. Erwin keeps smiling.

It’s Levi.

Even if his mind is somewhere else his body can’t help but react to Ren’s strong hand and wet mouth, and Erwin comes. He comes as he looks at Levi, he comes and his eyes close shut because the pleasure is too much. He closes his eyes and opens them again, as he breathes heavily.

Levi is gone. One second he looked away and Levi is gone.

Has it even been real? Maybe he’s too drunk, drunker than he knows. No, that’s not it. Maybe it was just his imagination, just the fact that Ren reminded him so much of him and then… But Erwin saw him. It was Levi.

But Levi is gone now, again. And he didn’t run, didn’t call his name, didn’t apologize again and again and again.

“Levi…” He whispers, banging his head against the wall.

“Mh?” Ren stands up. He cleans his mouth off and smiles, as Erwin remembers that his pants are still half down and he buttons them up again.

“I know you have problems with my name, but it’s Ren.” He giggles embarrassed, still red in the face and evidently turned on too. Erwin looks at him and he has to go back to real life, a real world where Levi is not there. Where they’re not friends anymore.

“No. I know your name is Ren. I just thought I saw someone...” Erwin brings his eyes back to the busy square and looks for someone who he knows won’t be there.

“Oh, okay.”

There’s an awkward silence between them, until Ren speaks again.

“Who was it, anyway?” A long second passes.

“He’s the first debt I will have to repay in hell.”

“Woah, that’s… unexpected? What have you ever done to the guy? Killed his family?” Erwin sighs deeply, looking away from the crowd.

“Something like that.”

 

***

 

When Erwin wakes up the next day his head hurts and throbs, but, at least, he’s with Mike again. He tells him how he has escaped the soldiers after they went separate ways and when Erwin tells him what happened with Ren -because Erwin can never lie to Mike- Mike hits him lightly on the head, not surprised at all. Erwin laughs it off, he doesn’t really regret it.

He thinks, obviously, about Levi. Why was he there, was he real?

It all feels like a distant dream. He does his best not to think about it, he’s eighteen now. He can’t think about it.

Erwin finds out soon, though, that no matter how someone want something to go a certain way other things, other people always get in the way. Erwin will find out with time that not all of these things are supposed to obstruct his own plans. Sometimes, unexpected people are meant to be good for him, to help.

That’s what Erwin finds out when, the day of his eighteenth birthday, while enjoying a quiet walk into town after hours of practice and studying, he sees a girl. She has long blonde hair and the smile of an angel. It takes little to make her laugh and Erwin doesn’t know what to do, to say, when he hears her speak for the first time.

Sometimes people are meant to give each other hope. Not pain, not anger. That’s what he finds out the day he meets Marie.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: drunk people??? fights???? nsfw stuff but nothing too terrible (gosh i'm terrible at this warnings thing ahaha I'm truly sorry!) 
> 
> also, thank you for reading this as always <3
> 
> I promise next chapter will be the one everyone (????) is waiting for :D


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well yelp, finally something is going to happen! eheh I hope you all enjoy this chapter! (also I don't really think I need to put warnings here, except a bit of violence but that's always going to be there from this point on I guess)

In their world, graveyards are a luxury for most people. Poor people, humble people, honest citizens who have done nothing more than just trying to feed their children’s mouth. People who work with the earth, who have never gotten an education. People who have to steal, lie, kill. Good people, too. Bakers, smiths, doctors, teachers. They all don’t get to be buried in a graveyard.

Graveyards, the privilege of a real proper tomb, are for the nobles only. There isn’t enough space, they say. Not enough time, we can’t afford that, they say. Sometimes the soldiers, the politicians, and the churchmen have the same privilege too. The loyal ones, the ones who served the king until their last breath. Not simple soldiers, not Survey Corps men.  

Graveyards for normal people mean a flower in a room, ashes gathered in a vase on a windowsill or a wooden cross buried in the backyard. Most of the times, there isn't a real corpse to mourn there, just the memory of another lost life. 

No one has ever complained, too. Survival is stronger than mourning and a tomb couldn’t make a real difference. Or that’s what Erwin thinks the day his feet lead him far away from the city, towards a place he has almost forgotten. A real tomb can’t make the difference, and yet, he wishes, longs for the sight of his father’s name carved in stone. 

The cloudy morning turns into a sunny afternoon. The cold air of a late autumn accompanies him and keeps him fresh while his body warms up from the long walk. Erwin takes his jacket off, folds it and carries it leaning it on one arm. He has thought about riding to his old little town with his horse, but he hasn't felt like riding. Not today.

He needs to clear his mind, move, feel his body get exhausted. He needs to feel that he's still alive, he is still alive. Still alive. Alive in an unfair world where his comrades have died a few days before in one careless mission. Erwin has been on many of those already, he knows people would die. Friends, strangers. He knows and no matter how much he's used to it he needs to breathe, he needs to be alone this time. 

And so he walks, and as the blue sky opens up above his head he wonders if he should let his emotions control him like that. What changed? What was it that he couldn’t bear this time? Death is necessary, sacrifices are to be expected. That’s war, that’s what they have to do if they want to achieve something. To reach their goal. His own goal, too. 

Images of his last mission come to mind and he has to stop himself on the way. He bends over and suppresses the sudden impulse to vomit. His friends hadn't only died, they had been torn apart in front of his eyes, and even he couldn’t take such things sometimes. Sometimes believing in something isn't enough to forget such horrible memories. 

Is the Survey Corps’ goal worth it? Is his goal, discovering the truth behind his father words, worth it? It is. It is. It has to be. He remembers being completely numb the day after, not even Mike or Marie had managed to shake him out of it. Not even his commander, no one. It was strange for him to behave like that and he knew it, and that’s why he had decided to go visit his father’s grave. Or the ghost of it. To make sure that it was worth it.

Erwin straightens up and keeps walking after rubbing his eyes for a moment and taking control of his body again. He shivers when the wind blows over him, making him feel aware of the cold sweat on his skin. The sun is gentle on him, but the air is stinging and he has to cover himself up again if he doesn’t want to get sick. 

It’s almost time for the sun to set when he gets there. it has taken him all day but instead of being tired he feels suddenly new again. Entering his old village, seeing those open streets and the quiet houses almost doesn’t feel real. The smell in the air is always the same, it smells of bread and peace. It smells of childhood, memories and a broken heart. He takes a deep a breath and reaches his own old house. It’s not his, anymore. He hasn’t lived there in years and another family had inhabited it in his place. In his and his father’s place.

Knocking on the door feels strange, he had never needed to do that before. But then again, there’s no reason to think about that now. A pretty middle-aged woman opens the door. 

“Yes?” 

“Good afternoon.” Erwin smiles the sweetest smile he can manage to come up with, the woman’s face makes it feel almost real. “My name is Erwin Smith and-” 

“What does the Survey Corps want here?” Her voice sounds nervous, as she interrupts him. 

“What?” Erwin asks, surprised for a single long second. His brain is quicker than his mouth, though, and as he finishes saying the single word he has already realized that the woman has been looking at his clothes. He had his uniform on, that’s why. Erwin chuckles gently, and continues. 

“There’s no need to worry, I am not here on behalf of the Survey Corps. I haven’t come here as a soldier, not today. I’m sorry if my choice of clothing has upset you, that wasn’t my intention.” The woman seems to relax, she gives him an apologetic smile.

“Oh. Oh, I’m very sorry. How can I help you then, Erwin?” She doesn’t seem to have a problem with calling him by his first name, he doesn’t mind. It’s refreshing, it truly makes him feel like going back to his childhood. 

“No need to be sorry.” He takes a slight step back, to take a better look inside. “I used to live here when I was little and, I know this might sound a bit strange and rude, I was wondering if I could see the house inside again. Of course, I fully understand if that bothers you and you don’t want a stranger walking into your home. If you say so I will leave." 

The woman’s eyes smile. “Don’t be silly, of course you can come in. I know what it means to feel nostalgic about your childhood’s house. Please, come in.” 

“Thanks for your hospitality. I really appreciate it.” Erwin says and steps in.

“My children and husband are out right now, but they should be back soon. In the meantime, you can look around all you want.” Erwin keeps his eyes on her, not looking around, not yet. 

“Would you like some tea?” She asks kindly, she looks like a good mother. 

“There’s no need to-” 

“Tea it is then. I’m sorry I tricked you but you can’t really say no.” She jokes and giggles and Erwin has to accept. 

“So, do you mind if I look around…” He starts. 

“Isabelle. My name is Isabelle. And yes, sure, go on. I’ll be in the kitchen.” Erwin freezes, her name so similar to the one of- No, he hasn’t gone there to remember about that. He’s there for his father. 

He looks around the room, then, and it’s different but it feels so familiar. The furniture is old, but new to him and placed in ways he didn’t remember. There are things that belong to Isabelle’s family, a toy on the ground and a small blanket spread on the sofa, meant for a little kid, probably. Erwin smiles, sad but happy to be inside those walls again. The only walls that have ever made him feel truly safe.

Erwin’s first purpose has been to head directly to the backyard, where he had buried an old book and planted some flowers to give his father’s the illusion of a real tomb. He had done it during those years his neighbor still had to take care of him, before joining the Survey Corps. He wanted to go there, but he finds himself climbing the stairs and standing in the middle of his own room. 

That one is, in fact, completely different from what he remembered. There are two beds now, not just one. Isabelle’s children must be brother and sister because clothes are everywhere and Erwin can distinguish male clothes from female ones. Compared to when he used to live there, the room is an utter mess, but it makes Erwin smirk a little. It’s nice to see a place where order and discipline are not a burden but rather just a mother yelling at her children to tidy up their room. 

The closet is still his own, though. They haven’t changed it. Erwin steps forward it, he knows he shouldn’t touch things but something in the back of his mind is telling him there’s something he’s forgetting. Something he should find. When he opens the closet he doesn’t know what he was expecting, all he can see are other clothes and a couple of boxes. He sighs, but then his eyes fall on the corner at the bottom. There is an evident crack there, running down the wood and some scratches too. 

Erwin kneels down and his hands know what to do. His fingers follow the crack and then he pushes a little. Dust comes up and a piece of wood comes off from the closet after falling forward. He moves it away, he gasps quietly. 

He has found it.  

It has been at least fifteen years since the last time he had seen it, Levi’s doll. It has been more than five years since he had last seen him. 

The doll is exactly as he remembered it, still giving off the care and effort Levi had put into it. Erwin takes it in his hands and smiles, he had almost forgotten. Good memories, embarrassed cheeks, and smiling promises rush in his mind and he can’t help but think about that dangerous, usual 'what if' he often finds himself ask in the middle of the night. 

What if things had been different? What if Erwin’s father had never died? What if he had never killed Farlan and Isabel… what if Levi had still been his friend. The thought hurts more than he would have imagined and when he stands up he needs to breathe deeply to let himself come back. He really doesn’t know what has gotten into him, but he needs to fix it. He can’t afford feelings to get in the way. He needs to remember it’s all worth it. 

Erwin puts the piece of wood back in the closet, but he takes the doll. 

He almost runs down the stairs -like that day, when he stumbled and Levi had hell in his eyes- and goes out, to his father. The fresh air is good, it makes his head clear for a moment. The flowers he had planted for his father are still there and he takes a breath of relief. He stands in front of them, head bent down and doll nearly squeezed in his hand. 

“I always wondered where those came from.” Isabelle’s voice startles him, coming from behind. He turns around and when he sees her handing him a cup of tea, he takes it. He smiles, recomposing himself. 

“Thank you.” He says, taking the first sip. The tea is surprisingly good, he can’t help but wonder if Levi would have liked it. Tea reminds him of his lost friend. Tea tastes good, it calms him and warms his chest. It’s a nice feeling, one even he could afford. 

“That’s where I buried my father. Well, where I used to mourn him at least.” There’s no need to explain more. The woman, as everyone else, understands what Erwin is saying. She places a compassionate hand over his shoulder, it feels like the hand of a mother he never knew. 

She takes the hand away, giving him space as he turns his head back to the flowers. “I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“It was a long time ago.” 

“It doesn’t matter, losing a parent is always hard.” 

“Thank you.” 

“How did he die? If I might ask.” She almost whispers, but it doesn’t bother Erwin. No one ever asks him. 

“He was- He died in an accident. Or at least, that’s what they said to me at the time.” 

“Did you ever get to say goodbye?”

“No, but our last conversation had been a good one.” 

“I am glad for that, then. If it’s of any consolation, now that I know what those flowers are I'm going to take care of them no matter what happens. And I’ll surely tell my kids to stay away from them.” She finishes with a small laughter and Erwin has never been so grateful to a complete stranger than he is now. 

He doesn’t have the time to say anything back that screams and loud voices and laughter pierce through the house. 

“Mom! Mom where are you?” 

“Mommy!”  

Two lively children rush to Isabelle quickly. They laugh and hug her and jump around, Erwin doesn’t know what to do if not smile at the sight of such energetic young life. The boy must be seven, maybe eight years old whereas the girl looks much younger. They both look like their mother, the boy especially has the same gentle eyes. 

“Mom who is this tall man, mom!” The girl squeals, hiding behind his mother’s legs. The boy walks up to him, instead, and crosses his arms on his chest. He narrows his eyes and observes Erwin, head up. 

But then the little boy relaxes and gasps loudly, he points at Erwin and grins. It’s like he couldn’t be happier than that. “He’s a soldier!” 

Erwin chuckles and squats down at the kid’s height. “Yes, that’s true.” He holds out his hand and the boy takes it and shakes it cheerfully, making his whole arm move. 

“Hello!” He simply says and keeps grinning. “Julia come here and say hello! It’s rude not to say hi to soldiers.” The older brother scolds his sister, sounding so serious. Erwin only giggles more. 

He looks at the little girl, still hidden behind his mom. “Julia, isn’t it? I’m Erwin. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He says, smiling gently at her as she slowly comes out and steps towards him. 

“What about me? Isn’t it a pleasure to meet me?” The other child sounds so offended, it’s hilarious. It’s not often Erwin gets to genuinely laugh, but he does now.

“Of course it is, little man.” 

“I’m not little!” 

“No, you aren’t. You know, at your age I was way smaller than you. And look how tall I am now.” The boy’s eyes widen in awe and hope.

“Really?” 

“Soldiers don’t lie.” Erwin says, proud and confident for the boy’s dreams sake. He stands up. 

“So that means I can be tall like you when I grow up. Mom! Did you hear that? I will be the tallest man ever!” He yells happily and before Isabelle can reply he runs off, spreading his arms out like a bird and going around in circles. 

Julia follows him, suddenly excited by her brother’s behavior and they end up playing in the living room. Erwin can’t help but think about when he was that young. It’s true, he and Levi used to play and fight and they sure used to get their big slice of action but they were never like that. Those kids remind him of all of those years of childhood he missed, reading books and being despised by his classmates. He internally thanks Levi for that one year of happiness, even if he never deserved it. 

“Please, excuse my children. They are very… excited. Always.” Isabelle apologizes and sighs, half embarrassed. 

“I don’t mind it at all. They seem like amazing kids, you must be very proud.” She blushes lightly. 

“I am, in fact. Thank you so much for being so patience with them.”

“It’s not a problem at all.” He quickly finishes his tea, and they both head to the main door, with the children’s voices following them. 

“Are you going away already?” The boy almost shouts as he asks. 

“Francis! Don’t yell, please.” 

Erwin looks down at him and ruffles his brown curly hair. “I am afraid I must go. But it’s been a pleasure.” He looks up to the mother again. “Let me thank you again for your kindness. It was important for me. If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to come ask for my help.”

“Of course. You are a very gentle man, and I’m sure a fine soldier too. I'm sure your father would be proud.” 

Isabelle’s words hit Erwin hard and unexpected.  _ I'm sure your father would be proud _ . Erwin is not sure about that, but he hopes so. After the initial shock, he smiles at her. Before he goes, he feels someone tugging at his shirt. It’s Julia. 

“E-Erwin.” Erwin turns around towards her. 

“Yes?” He says, voice soft and calm. 

“I like your doll.” She says, shy, as she points at his other hand still holding the doll. 

“What is that?” Isabelle asks, curious. 

“Oh, this is just an old toy of mine. It was still upstairs where I last left it, I hope you don’t mind if I took it.” 

“No, of course not. It is yours anyway.”

Julia keeps looking at the doll, her eyes fixed on it. Erwin wonders if maybe he should give it to her, as a gift. It’s almost obvious how much she wishes he would do that. It almost hurts, but he doesn’t. The thought of leaving Levi again, or the only thing that could still link him to him, hurts more. His hand tightens around it, and he pretends not to have seen her dreamy eyes. 

He looks at the mother one last time, instead. “It’s been a pleasure, but I really must go.” 

“Goodbye!” Francis screams, Julia is silent, but she smiles. 

“Goodbye, Erwin.”

Erwin waves a last goodbye and finally he’s outside. He walks towards the main road of the village again, the sky is red and pink and gold above him and the first sight of the night sky is near. The sun is saying goodbye too. It's going to be a hard walk home. 

Home. Is where he was going home? 

Erwin thinks about his father, remembers the days spent with him all those years ago. Remembers his stories and his secrets and the hope his eyes held. Hope Erwin had to hold on to. He remembers the pain he had felt when he died, how he had promised himself he would find out the truth. He remembers the soldier’s words back at the tavern when he was still a teenager. Remembers how they hurt too. He would make his father proud, he would make the world a better place. That meant sacrifice, death. And then he knew, all he was doubting about was worth it. It has to be. 

Before going back Erwin turns around one last time. The road behind his shoulders and the far, but so near forest in front of him. Is Levi still there? But he has seen him that day… Erwin hopes he is there anyway. He needs him to be there. 

He shivers in cold, the sun is gone. The world is dark but the stars are starting to shine above him. Maybe Erwin will meet Levi again, maybe it will rain and the sky will cry when they do. Just like the protagonists of their old favorite legend. 

Erwin goes home. 

***

 

It takes him all night long to go back to his personal quarters, not home, just where he spends most of his nights during work days. Sometimes even when he’s free, because what’s the point of going home if he’s going to wake up early and stay in his office all day long as soon as he gets up. 

It’s sunrise when he opens the door. His legs give in and he sits on the bed, sighing. But no matter how tired his body feels his head is as good as new. He can’t say he feels good, better, that he’s forgotten about the death of his comrades, but the walk has done its part. Seeing his old house, visiting his father’s grave, even looking at those children full of life has been helpful. Suddenly, the doll held in his hands feels heavy. 

Erwin looks down at it, memories of the moment Levi had given it to him come back again. He imagines the other’s red and anxious face and, for a moment, he can see him clearly in front of him. He can feel himself being a happy kid again, with nothing to lose and everything to explore. It almost feels real, when an image of Levi’s young face flashes and stays in his head. Erwin sighs again, still looking at the doll. 

No matter how inaccurate it was, he could see himself in it. Another Erwin, another person, so far away. Erwin wonders sometimes if that was even him, if the childhood he remembers was truly his, if he hasn’t dreamt it all. Sometimes, when he forgets about the details, he gets mad at himself because he shouldn’t be forgetting. But age doesn’t stop and memories disappear just like that. He tries not to think about it. 

Fairly sure no one ever enters his quarters, he stands up and places the doll in his night table’s drawer, where he keeps most of his personal things. He closes it, and hopes life won’t make him forget about that too.

He doesn’t have much to remember Levi by, and the doll nearly feels like having him there again. It’s stupid, childish, maybe even selfish to think about it that way, Erwin knows he doesn’t deserve to feel Levi there. He doesn’t deserve the comfort. 

Erwin sleeps for three hours until he has to get up again and face a new day.   
  


***

 

“Erwin, finally.”

Mike finds him in the dining hall, a place where Erwin rarely goes but where he felt like going that morning. He needed people around him, to clear his mind with noise and useless talk, even if he wasn’t participating in any of it. It’s still early when he goes there for breakfast, but Mike’s voice doesn’t come as a real surprise. 

“Mike.” He greets him quickly, looking up at him. Mike sits down in front of him, the rest of the table around them is empty. 

“I've been looking for you all day yesterday. I even had to ask for Hange’s help, that wasn’t fun. You know how she gets when she worries about something… especially if it’s one of us.” Mike drifts off a little, then concentrates again. “So where were you?”

Erwin takes another bite of his breakfast, taking his time to reply. 

“Nowhere important, I just thought I could take a day off.” 

“You really shouldn’t have.” Erwin frowns, already alert. 

“Why? What happened?” 

“I don’t know yet, but Shadis wanted to see you and he seemed really upset once he found out you were gone.” 

“Mh, thank you for telling me. I’ll go see him, then.” Erwin stands up, but Mike stops him. 

“Wait.” Erwin turns his head, and his eyebrows frown down at his friend. 

“Sit down for a minute, I’m sure whatever it is it can wait.” Erwin sits and looks at him. 

“What is it?” 

“Nothing, just… I can smell something’s wrong. Are you okay?” Erwin’s eyes widen for a split second. He shouldn’t be surprised, Mike has known him for so long and they had been friends even longer. There was a time Mike would come near him, sniff the air, and get lost. But then one day they talked, and he had seemed to change his mind about Erwin. Not that he wouldn’t keep saying that there was something weird about him, but Erwin never minded. 

Erwin smiles and invisible grateful smirk. 

“I am, you don’t have to worry.” He doesn’t like to talk about himself, he doesn’t think he deserves it. And he doesn’t want his pity’s friend, but Mike is different, somehow. 

“Then you can tell me where you’ve been.” 

“I walked.” 

“That is not so hard to guess, you smell from one mile away. And I can assure you that’s not just my nose.” Mike is probably right, Erwin still hasn’t showered. 

“Always kind, aren’t you?” Erwin scoffs, then continues. There is no need to keep things from his friend, he reminds himself. It’s not like Erwin has never confided in him, he has told him more than anyone would ever hear from him. Mike knew about his childhood, about his father, about his ideas. Mike even knew about Levi, without the details, though. 

“Fine. I went to visit the house where I used to live as a child.” He simply says. 

“Without a horse?” Mike, for once, is actually surprised. 

“Yes. I needed to clear my head.” 

“Is this about what happened the other day?” 

“What happened the other day was a sacrifice we needed to make for-”

“Yes, I know that. I am not asking for myself, I am asking that for you. Stop talking like a soldier for one minute.” _ I haven’t come here as a soldier, not today _ , Erwin remembers his own words, and decides to trust Mike. He’s the only one he truly trusts. 

“Yes.” 

“Did it work?” 

“I saw my father’s grave. Or what I had made of it. I think that helped.” It’s so strange for him to be so open about it, but it doesn’t feel bad. 

“You know it’s not your fault.” Mike says, looking at him straight in the eye. Erwin looks away, he knows, he just doesn’t feel it. Like every other time. 

“I know.” He lies, he sees those dead open bodies once again and he shivers. His skin loses color and his eyes focus on the void for a moment. Mike brings him back with something else.

“And you stopped there.” _ And you didn’t go to the woods, you didn’t look for him, _ it’s what Mike is saying. Erwin knows, Mike knows. 

“I stopped there.” 

“Good, we wouldn’t want you to get lost.” Mike jokes to break the tense mood, and lets the subject go. Mike doesn’t know there is now way in hell Erwin would get lost in that forest, or so he believes. But he hasn’t gone there, he only looked, wished. 

“Go take that shower now.” 

“Yes, sir.” Erwin jokes back, and leaves him at the table. 

Going back to his room Erwin wonders if Mike understands what’s it like for him, if his friend has ever felt the things he feels. Erwin has no idea, even though he’s usually good at reading people Mike is still a mystery sometimes. Maybe that's why they are friends, because they are still trying to figure each other out and for every new detail they find out they like each other more. Erwin is grateful to have him in his life, a loyal friend is always useful. And Mike is more than just useful, anyway. 

Closing the door beside him once again, taking off his clothes and taking five minutes to relax feels good. He heads for the shower and gets rid of the sweat and dirt that has fallen over him in the last few days. He doesn’t like it, but he barely has the time to even shower. None of them has the time, and that’s why taking a shower is such a sacred moment to every soldier. 

The water becomes gentle, it cleans off blood, guilt, unfair duties and responsibilities. Water falls down on Erwin’s blond hair, his bare chest and his exhausted body. He stays more than he should, thinking of the day before. Thinking of Levi, of the face he had seen not that many years ago in the middle of the crowd. He remembers how unreal it had felt, how alive he had been. It was so long ago, another himself that didn’t belong to the man he was now. 

Water falls down his heavy shoulders, his smooth back, his scarred skin just below his neck. Erwin misses those times, sometimes. He misses being young and free, without too many worries. He’s not exactly old, now, but being almost thirty while serving for the Survey Corps was considered luck. He was lucky to be alive. He still misses those old good days. 

Coming out of the shower brings him back to reality. He gets dressed, slowly, enjoying the silence around him. Before he goes, he opens the night table’s drawer and checks for the doll to be where he has last left it. Of course it’s there. Erwin shakes his head, knowing he’s being ridiculous, and eventually goes to his commander office. 

He knocks three times, before a voice tells him to go in. 

“Good morning, sir.” Erwin salutes properly, before his eyes register someone else is in the room. 

“Commander Zackly, good morning.” He says, serious and waiting. 

“It’s good to see you, Erwin.” The older man greets him like a friend, but Erwin knows he can’t afford to do the same. He knows they can trust him, though. He only nods, he looks at Shadis who, as Mike said, looks actually angry at him.  

“This is the second time we had the commander-in-chief coming over in two days. All because you couldn’t bother to show up yesterday, we are going to talk once this is over.” 

“Of course, sir. I am sorry about that. I apologize.”

“It’s the least you can do. We-” Shadis starts, but Zackly interrupts him.

“That’s enough. It’s really not a bother, and I am here for more important things than Erwin taking a day off anyway.” 

Shadis gives Erwin an indignant look, but Erwin knows his commander is not a mean person. He doesn’t hate Erwin or anything, he actually trusts him more than most soldiers, he just has the habit of losing his temper quicker than other people might. Besides, Erwin finds soon enough that he had all the rights to be mad at him. What Zackly tells them turns out to be, indeed, important and urgent and Erwin would have been angry at himself too. 

The man explains to them how there’s a certain man, called Nicholas Lobov, a despicable selfish noble who only cares about himself, that has been gathering enough favor to convince the parliament to stop funding the Survey Corps’ expeditions. Erwin knows the parliament is in favor for what has happened during the last mission. All of those dead people and for what? In their eyes, for nothing. 

Shadis seems to be the most worried among them, Erwin keeps calm. It’s not the first time they have been in that kind of situation. They always find ways to stop them, get in the way, prove their efforts are for nothing. 

Zackly tells them they have five days until the final vote to do something about it. It’s not much, but enough for Erwin to do something about it. That’s the main reasons Shadis wanted him to be there, because he trusted Erwin’s clever mind to find a solution. 

They talk and go over whatever information they have about Lobov several times, until they realize Lobov has been using the Survey Corps expedition’s money for himself. And that’s when Erwin comes up with a plan. He decides the best plan is to spread false information around, to taint Lobov’s name and to make him believe they have proof about what he’s been doing. Erwin makes up the existence of said proof, documents he would look for. That should be enough to make Lobov change his mind, to convince parliament there’s no need to cut the funding. 

Zackly is impressed and Shadis, still quite shocked, has no problem admitting Erwin is right. They all agree to take action as soon as possible, the two older men trust Erwin’s plan. They leave it at that, for now, after a long day of talking and planning. Zackly tells them he’ll be seeing them in five days and Shadis completely forgets about the talk he wanted to have with Erwin. 

Erwin goes home now, his proper home, feeling proud of his own plan too. It can work, they just need to play their cards right. Walking home always feels nice, a feeling he’s still not used to. It feels nice, if it wasn’t for a voice stopping him and calling him from behind. 

“Oi, Erwin!” Erwin turns around. 

“Nile.” He says, greets him as the other man approaches him. “It’s been a while.” 

“Yeah, I know right?” 

“Mh.” Erwin doesn’t know- doesn’t want to say anything more to his old friend, ex-friend. They still talk when they see each other, they still respect each other, but Erwin is not sure he can call him a friend. Their story goes way back, when Erwin had been a small teenager and had found Nile to be his first friend ever during training. 

They had been friends, until Nile had decided to join the Military Police. Erwin had been angry, now he's just disappointed. But it wasn’t Nile’s fault, deep down Erwin understood his reasons. 

“I heard they’re going to cut the Survey Corp’s fund, isn’t that right?” Nile giggles, and the sound that comes out of his mouth makes Erwin almost grimace. 

“Yes. We will see about that.” 

“So sure to win this too, aren’t you?” 

“Our expeditions count more than you can imagine, Nile. We have to be sure to fix this too, yes.” 

“Yes, yes, whatever you say. The day you will actually show us all something more than just useless death I’ll believe you.” Nile spits and Erwin’s eyebrow raises. He’s used to this kind of comments, he doesn’t bother him. 

“Besides, I thought you didn’t need help with funding anymore.” 

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks, even though he’s quite sure what the answer is going to be. 

“Isn’t that the reason you and Marie are together? So you can pretend to be the happy couple while she gives the Survey Corps all the money you guys can’t find elsewhere.” It’s bitter, it’s mean and it’s resentful. Nile’s voice resounds like poison in Erwin’s mind, but he can’t help but stay silent. 

Wasn’t that true, anyway? Erwin is not in the mood to listen to Nile’s complaints and regrets. He knows, Erwin knows even too well how Nile feels about Marie. What he feels about them being together, how much he must be hating him right now. 

Erwin understands, but he doesn’t. 

Marie and Nile had known each other way before she and Erwin met. But it's not Erwin’s fault if the situation is like it is right now. Erwin would never have done that to Nile, no matter his military position, if he had had a choice. He doesn’t have one. She does, though, and that’s what Erwin has never understood. 

“I’m sorry that’s what you think of us- of me, Nile.” The other man only throws him a jealous, frustrated look. 

“That’s not what I think, that’s what people think.” He says, and without adding anything more he leaves. Erwin looks at him disappear in the night crowd and sighs. Sometimes, he misses him too. He had always been a good friend, one he trusted. Deep down, Erwin still did. 

The evening’s air is stinging, but light. The breeze makes Erwin move again to fight the cold, the clouds cover the dark sky and the blond man can’t help but feel a weird loneliness crawling over him. The lack of stars in the night sky always makes me feel like the world is not real, like something is wrong. Sometimes, he needs the stars to shine above him, to guide him like they did last night. 

It doesn’t take him a lot, after that, to get home. It’s not far, it’s not big but it’s definitely not an ugly house. Not a house anyone would be able to afford. It wasn’t Erwin’s home per se, it was Marie’s. Erwin had found out a few months after he had met her that she came from a very rich family, one that happened to strongly support the Survey Corps’ purposes. It had made Erwin very happy that someone else thought so, happy that Marie thought the same too. 

What hadn’t made him happy was the moment his superiors, finding out about their friendship, told him that they could have used her, her family, her money. Erwin still remembers them convincing him to ask for her hand, the times he had said no, the sleepless nights he had thought about saying yes. Yes, because humanity’s future was more important than his feelings. No, because Marie’s feelings were still important to him, he couldn’t just do that to her. 

He remembers them forcing him, he remembers when he had given up and had told Marie everything. After that, he did nothing. It was all her, her who accepted, her who asked him to marry her, her who said that if it was for humanity’s sake then it was worth it. Erwin hadn’t believed her, at first, but she convinced him.

They had been engaged for almost three years, now, but they still hadn’t got married. They barely talk about it, Erwin barely even thinks of it. He doesn’t want to, he can’t think of giving Marie only the illusion, the ghost of a husband. She deserves more, and he knows he couldn’t be there for her. No matter how much he cares. And so it was like that.

He would come home sometimes, she would greet him and they would behave like a true couple outside but only as good friends, which they truly were, inside. She, along with Mike, was like a best friend. Erwin trusted her, cared for her, respected her. And she did the same. 

“Erwin, is it you?” Marie appears from behind the kitchen’s door and smiles at him. 

“Good evening, Marie.” He replies, smiling back at her. 

“Hello, darling.” She giggles as her head disappears again. Sometimes she jokes about them being true husband and wife, and she calls him names. 

“How was your day?”

He joins her in the kitchen and sits down at the small table standing in the middle of it. He rubs a hand over his face and lets his usual façade fall for a moment. 

“Tiring, but nothing I couldn’t handle.” 

“Of course, there is never anything you can’t take. What a man.” She softly laughs again just to turn around and hand him a cup of tea, something he was used to by now. Every time he would go back to her, she would make him tea before anything else. Erwin really appreciated it. 

She sits down too and grins at him. Erwin takes a long moment to look at her. She always looks exactly like the first time he saw her, not a year older, maybe younger. Her long blond hair matches his, it falls over her shoulders in big soft curls. Her skin is clear, her eyes big and beautiful. There is something about her that never changes. The energy she has, it can make Erwin hope for a better world. No matter how tired she looked sometimes, it’s still as if she was always full of life. 

Erwin wonders sometimes if there is a side of her that he still hasn’t seen, a side that shows sadness, pain, anger. Sometimes, he swears he can see it, but she’s good at hiding it. Erwin admires her for it, she reminds him of himself. So good at controlling her own emotions, better than him too, probably. Marie is a strong woman, with a lovely smile and a quick, spirited mind. 

Marie is like a breath of fresh air, her sense of humor so different from what Erwin is used to. That’s one of the positive sides of having her as a best friend and almost wife, she always manages to make him smile. Erwin is not a man who laughs very often, he has very few reasons to, but Marie never fails him. And he’s grateful for it. 

“I met Nile along the way.” He says calm, after a big yawn. 

“Oh.” Her smile drops for an instant. “How is he?” 

“He’s… the usual, I guess.” 

“You don’t need to say anything more.” She jokes again, even though there’s something wrong with her eyes. The side Erwin doesn’t know. He wonders if he should really be him the one sharing this kind of moments with her, if it shouldn’t be someone like Nile, instead. Nile could give her what she wants, a more normal life anymore. Nile could love her like a husband loves his wife. Could give her children, could- There are too many possibilities and Erwin knows it’s better if he leaves it at that. 

Erwin remembers of a time when he had a crush on her. How couldn’t he? She was beautiful, funny, talented and smart. She was everyone’s dream and he remembers everyone envying him for spending so much time with her. Of course, he had liked her, and he had liked her a lot. The best, saddest part of it all was that she had liked him too. But they never confessed. Never said anything and even though they both knew deep down inside, they never spoke of it. Almost never kissed, never touched each other for the first few years. Erwin had been an unlucky boy, he didn’t have the time to fall in love. Marie had been an unlucky girl, she couldn’t fall in love with a soldier whose death was impossible to avoid. And so they had stopped and feelings had fallen away and it all had turned from love to deep friendship. 

Their love is platonic, honest, open. He’s fine with it. The marriage was just something… neither of them had expected to happen, but it had. And Marie wanted it, wanted to help, wanted to be there for Erwin. Erwin lets it happen until it lasts, despite everything else. 

As Erwin finishes his tea Marie gets up and goes standing behind him. She places her thin hands on his shoulders and comforts him. If they didn’t touch before, it was something they were used to now. Erwin rolls his head and lets her massage him, lets her break the tension in his body. Her hands feel like magic and Erwin gets selfish for a while. 

“We should go to bed.” She says eventually, taking her hands away and leaving him empty again. “You need to sleep and get rest. God knows where you were the other day, but you actually look like hell.” 

“Mike came by?” There’s only one way Marie could know about him being away the day before.

“Of course he did, that man probably cares about you more than I do.” 

“I think you both care too much.” Erwin lets the words out without being fully aware of them. 

“I think you should never think that.” She sounds so serious, Erwin hasn't meant to upset her. He stands up too, the height difference obvious between them now, and takes her hands. It’s a soft gesture, one meant to reassure her. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Erwin knows they care, he doesn’t know what has he ever done to deserve it. Just like he had never understood why had Levi cared, why had he been so lucky? 

“You better be.” She kisses the palm of his hand and then leads him to bed. 

They don’t say anything more, just wish each other good night. They sleep, close but not too much, and Erwin can finally let his mind stop. He dreams of his father, of his old home, of the forest and Levi. He dreams of his past and his present. He dreams about Marie meeting Levi as a child and Mike as one of his superiors. He dreams of a world where titans don’t exist but the only monsters are men. When he wakes up he wonders if that’s not true already. 

 

***

 

Five days are fast to pass, Erwin doesn’t do much in the meantime. He actually stays at home with Marie more than he has in the last few months. It feels nice, but the peace is only fake. When Shadis sends someone to call him back he understands he has to go back to work, he can’t play happy family. Marie, of course, understands and kisses him goodbye on the cheek before seeing him go. 

Zackly is there again, Shadis, and this time Mike too. 

“You were right Erwin, it worked. Lobov changed his mind.” Zackly says and looks at him proud, like a father would be with a son. 

“Does that mean the Survey Corps is being funded again?” Shadis asks. 

“Yes, indeed it is.” Erwin hears his commander sighing deeply in relief. He almost smiles, after stealing an amused look with Mike.

“It worked, but I have to warn you.” 

“Warn us?” Shadis says, relief being replaced by yet another wave of worry. 

“Some of the people in the parliament are not happy about this, they are going to ask for a repeal. The Survey Corps still isn’t accepted and the public doesn’t approve your expeditions. That said, I suggest you keep an eye on Lobov too.” 

“What do you mean?” It’s Erwin who asks now.

“You were right about this too, he’s looking for the documents.” 

“Ah.” Erwin knew he would, he just needed confirmation. 

“I will leave this to you, I trust you can solve this, can’t you?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good. I’ll leave, then. I will expect to hear from you about this, I want proof to send that man to the place he deserves to be.”   
  


***

 

Erwin, Mike and Shadis meet again in the dining hall in the evening. Now that Shadis has gathered up information about Lobov they can come up with a new plan. Mike just stands beside Erwin.

“Lobov didn’t like what we did.” Shadis begins. “I heard he sent a messenger to make contact with a quite notorious criminal. A dangerous one, too.” 

“A criminal?” 

“Yes, if what I think is right he plans to make this man join the Survey Corps and get those documents back.” Shadis pauses. “Lobov has probably paid him enough to make him kill you, too. You should be careful.” 

Erwin nods, he’s always careful there is no need to tell him that. “How do we know this criminal is a man, though?” 

“I asked around, a lot of people knew who it was. People we can trust. And they are sure it’s a man, even though most of them claim it’s just a boy.”

“Just a boy?” 

“Yes, they said he doesn’t have the body of a grown-up man. He’s little and moves fast as a little kid. The ones who caught a better glance told me he’s famous for his black hair and very pale skin.” Erwin listens, but his mind is already working ahead. Something has already clicked inside him.

“They call him Wraith.”

“I think I heard about him once or twice.” This time, it’s Mike that talks.

“What did you hear?” 

“Not much, really. I only know he’s all kind of a criminal, from thief to killer. He never works for free and if you want to hire him it’s not easy to find him.” Mike seems done, but then he speaks again. 

“Oh, there’s one other strange thing they say about him.” 

“What’s that?”

“They say he disappears, from time to time, and that if you want to talk to him you have to go find him in the forest near Wall Rose. It’s quite a long way from here but actually, now that I think about it, I think the forest is the one near where you used to live, Erwin.” 

Erwin’s eyes widen, his heart skips a beat. “Are you sure?” 

“If rumors are true, then yes.”  

“Why would he do such a thing?” Shadis asks, his voice curious and annoyed at the same time. 

“They say it has something to do with his past, nobody really knows.” It can’t be, it can’t. But Erwin can’t help but think about Levi, what if- No, the chances are too low and he can’t be him. It’s all just a coincidence and he knows better than that to trust rumors. 

“So, what do we do about this? Do we catch him before he can do anything he’s been paid for, kill him?” Mike asks with a normal voice, as if that was the obvious thing to do. Shadis opens his mouth as to say something but Erwin interrupts. Almost too quick. 

“We let him join.” 

“What? Are you serious?” 

“Yes. Think about it, we need proof. Proof that Lobov is actually looking for those documents. If he does that, it means he’s guilty. We pretend we don’t know anything about this all situation and ask him to join.”

“Just like that?” Shadis intervenes. 

“Leave this to me, commander.” Erwin says, asks. Shadis nods and with a quick salute he stands up and leave Mike and Erwin alone. He evidently trusts Erwin enough to trust his judgement and Erwin isn’t surprised. It is, at the end of the day, the best plan.

Mike turns to him and drops the soldier behaviour, his eyes look almost worried. They look at Erwin behind that long dark-blond hair as if he was sure there is something Erwin is not saying to him. 

“Are you sure about this? Shadis told you this guy might be hired to kill you. If what they say is true, he is actually dangerous. You can’t just trust your good reflexes and some years of training. What if he hurts you?” So Mike is actually worried. Erwin is touched but not nearly enough to change his mind. Mike is right but he has to be willing to take some risks.

“He won’t.”

“You can’t be so sure.” Erwin’s eyes lock with his, but he doesn’t reply. He made up his mind and unfortunately his friend knows Erwin is a stubborn man. Mike sighs deeply and pats Erwin’s shoulder, squeezing once. 

“So what now?” 

“Now we find him.”   
  


***

 

Erwin and Mike spend the biggest part of the next day riding their horses, going around the Wall Rose districts searching for information about Wraith. Winter is coming and staying outside is not as pleasant as it was just a few weeks before. Their hands freeze even under their gloves and the air hits both of them hard in the face as they ride away. There aren’t lots of people outside, not even the most untrustworthy ones, and so they find themselves going from a tavern to the other. 

Not many seem to know what they are talking about, who they are looking for but then again their uniforms might be giving the wrong impression. Mike and Erwin try their best to look normal, as if they were simply curious about this famous criminal but most of the looks they receive tell them it’s not going well.

Some others, instead, give them too many information and it seems obvious they are mostly just lying. One drunk man tells them the man they are looking for is a girl, which they know not to be true, even though Erwin is still hoping for. Because if it’s a girl then he can’t be who he thinks it is… Another one tells them they have seen him fly, literally, from a roof to the other while drinking a glass of wine and laughing like a maniac. Mike turns to Erwin, giving him a look that asks if the man hasn’t confused the wine thing with what was he doing himself. 

Another tells them that once, right in the middle of the Capital, the Military Police almost caught him and he killed them all with just one knife in less than five minutes. Mike scoffs and leaves it at that, but Erwin is tempted to believe it. 

They tell them all kind of things, describing him in all the ways possible. Tall, small, too small. He has white hair- no, what are you saying? It’s red! But I have seen it, he’s got hair darker than my soul. Erwin raises his eyebrows at that, but the black hair is a good sign. A bad one, too. He moves like a child, he’s scary as the biggest man. He never speaks, he speaks too much.

One thing they all seem to agree on is that if, and when he does speak, he swears too much. Erwin smiles unconsciously and Mike seems even more annoyed. Mike, who is usually a very patient man, seems to be taking the matter more seriously than he should. Erwin figures it’s just his curious side that wants to find out the truth, like an accepted challenge that he can’t just leave alone. Erwin feels the same, but they have time.

After a while, when the sky starts darkening and the day gets even colder, it feels like they are just going in circle, arriving nowhere. And so Erwin tries to ask different questions. He goes to the people with the worst faces and instead of just asking how to reach the criminal, where he is or what is his real name he begins to ask just one single question.

Why Wraith?

No one seems to know the direct answer, but everyone is helpful in their own way. They all try to give their best interpretation. 

“He’s so pale he looks like death itself.” 

“I swear, he moves like a ghost. You never see him fully and you never know where he might pop up from.”

“A guy I know said he touched his hand once. Said he was as cold as ice. Everyone knows spirits are cold.” 

“When you talk to him… well, when he talks to you is more likely, he always covers his face and his voice sounds so distant. I am a brave man but even that sounds creepy. There might as well be a ghost under that hood of his, for all I know.”

“His eyes are white, no living man has white eyes.”

“I don’t know about that, but once or twice people have sworn to have seen his white arms. They said they were covered in red scars, as if he had died of a terrible death already.”

After they visit the last dark alley and the last tavern, this time in the Capital though, they decide they can call it a day. They don’t have too much, but enough to dig deeper into the criminal’s life. There are things Erwin can’t get out of his head. No living man has white eyes. 

Arms covered in red scars. If those last comments were true, then maybe he could have given himself some peace. But what if they were merely exaggerations?

What if those white eyes were gray, silver. What if those red scars weren’t so awful as they made them to be, but were still there? 

Erwin shakes his head, trying to fight the sudden memories coming back fast and painfully. But it’s hard, and the cold of the evening is slowly making his brain turn into a numb, stuck mass of chaos and doubt and… hope. Erwin, deep down, is hoping hard for that Wraith to be him. It’s ironic, though, if it turns out to be Levi. Wraith, yes. Like the ghost of his past coming back to haunt him, as he well deserved. So why was he hoping so hard?

“Erwin, stop.” It’s Mike who finally distracts him from his spinning thoughts. His friend stops him from getting on his horse. He sees him pointing up, towards a dark point, barely illuminated by the candles’ light coming from the windows. They hear some men shout, angry and almost desperate, against whatever it is that Mike is looking at. 

Erwin keeps his head up and his eyes alert. He’s trying to make sense out of the situation, until he sees it too. There is a shadow in the dim light that runs, flies, through the street. It flies, like a bird through the night and it makes Erwin’s heart beat faster, louder. There is a shadow shining brighter than the moon above them, holding tight for his life, running, chasing, laughing. So it is true, that he laughs when he runs. 

There is a shadow that disappears and reappears in the dark like a ghost trespassing walls. A shadow, a boy, a man with black hair, a black hood half covering his head, silver eyes, and a scary smile. It’s a smile Erwin remembers, in the back of his mind. A smile that sends shivers down his spine, that looks like it doesn’t belong to a man. It belongs to an animal, a vicious one. It’s a smile of an animal that has known love, but that has been deprived of it in the cruelest ways at the same time. It’s a smile Erwin swears to know. He doesn’t, he does. Something else catches his eyes.

No matter how much it looks like he’s flying, though, he’s not doing that all by himself. Mike has noticed already too, and Erwin can’t believe someone without any training at all is capable of using the 3D maneuver gear with such grace and ease. It looks like it’s the criminal’s second nature. But how could he even own one? Where did he learn? How? 

It’s a ghost but Erwin is sure now he’s never seen someone more alive than him. His face is hidden, though, and he still can’t be sure it’s him. There might still be a chance for the man not to be him, not to be Levi. But who else could move like that? Who else could run away in the gear as if he was just playing? Flying as if the city was a big forest, and houses were trees. As if he was just a careless child who doesn't care about falling. Because he knows he’s not going to fall. 

“Erwin, it must be him!” Mike yells next to him, he has already started running but Erwin can’t move. He only observes and a smile appears on his face. One of those creepy smiles he can’t control and that he knows people shouldn’t see. Mike doesn’t see it, but he stops too, looking at Erwin as if he was a mad man for not going along with him.

“Erwin, what is it?” The voice of the men who were chasing Wraith fade away and keeping a sure eye on him gets harder and harder. 

“Why aren’t we running?” 

“Let him go.” 

“Wha- Why?” Mike sounds obviously upset, his legs look like they are ready to run any moment. But he stays by Erwin’s side, as always. 

Erwin doesn’t reply. He watches the man, who didn’t seem to have noticed them instead, as he disappears completely. He’s left with the cold of the night again, the stronger wind coloring his cheeks pink and filling his lungs of a strange kind of adrenaline. He’s left with the silence of the empty city around him. He’s left with a new hope, a burning heart and inner pride. 

The next thing he says comes out as a private, confident whisper. 

“You and me. Soon.” Old words resound in his head for the rest of the night.   
  


***

 

Someone knocks on Erwin’s office door. 

“Come in.” He says and a tired, but steady as always Mike enters the room. 

“Morning Erwin.” He greets him, with a tiny smile. 

“Good morning. Did you sleep well?” 

“Yeah. I wonder if you did at all.” Erwin raises his eyebrows and smiles back at him, silently saying there is no need to worry. Mike is right, though, he hasn’t slept at all but that isn’t his first sleepless night and it won’t be his last for sure too. 

Of course, he couldn’t sleep, how could he? Every time he would try to close his eyes he could only see Wraith’s thin and agile body swinging through the night. He could only think about the way Levi used to move when they were children. Every time he would try to close his eyes the thrilling, frightening smile from the night before would blend with the bright one he used to know. And they would match. 

Erwin couldn’t sleep in the loneliness of his quarters knowing that Levi was closer than he could ever imagine. Erwin couldn’t sleep because he still didn’t know it was him. That was just a mere theory, he had no proof at all. That was his brain hoping for a second, third chance. Erwin couldn’t sleep because the number of possible scenarios of their reunion was infinite and they were all eating him alive. What would he say? What would Levi do? Would he even recognize him? Was he still angry? Was it all just a job for him, did he know against whom was he going to fight? Did he know it was him? The questions couldn’t stop and of course, Erwin hasn’t slept the night before.

He tried to go over the whole year spent with Levi again and again. There was no good reason for it, no excuse. He had spent years trying not to think about it… to forget, almost, and now remembering those happy days had taken sleep away from him. 

But he’s awake now. The night is over and the sun has risen again, everything is still as it was before. Nothing has changed yet.

Erwin yawns involuntarily, bringing a hand to cover his mouth. 

“You might have a point.” He says, waiting for Mike to sit down on the small sofa placed against the wall. 

“So, why are you here this early?” Erwin asks, and he can see Mike’s eyes roll. 

“You know why.”

“Ah. You are still wondering why we let Wraith go, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am. He was right there, we could have caught him easily.”

“Easily? Are you sure about that?”

“Well, we would have done a better job than those who were already chasing him.” Mike’s voice changes tone, it becomes annoyed, rushed. Erwin raises a hand, and Mike calms down. 

“We still don’t know a lot about him. It would have been reckless.” 

“Maybe.” Mike half agrees with him, still not fully convinced. 

“It would. We don’t know how he might have reacted.”

“But he hadn’t even seen us. I think it was the perfect occasion.” Mike probably isn’t totally wrong, but Erwin wasn’t ready. Only, he couldn’t say that.

“Mike,” Erwin starts, his smile fading away and his face turning serious. “can I ask you something?” 

Mike nods, just as thoughtful. 

“When you saw Wraith yesterday, what did you think of him? What did you think when you saw him use the gear? Escaping like that, as if it was only a crippled old dog chasing him?” It takes Mike a long second to reply, his eyes look sideways, then go back to Erwin’s face. 

“I thought he was amazing. He moved better than a lot of us, better than me and you too probably. He sure has got some kind of natural talent, I can’t deny that.” 

“And what do you think about the stories they told us about him, now?” Erwin thinks about the things they have said about him again. How good is he at stealing, fighting, killing. Some of the stories were scary, others were incredible. He hadn’t believed them at first but doubts came during the night. Wraith -Levi?- was probably capable of all that if not more. And he wanted Mike’s opinion. 

“They are much more believable now.” Mike agrees, and Erwin refrains from smiling but he really can’t help it. “Erwin, we have known each other for years now, I know how your twisted mind works. What exactly are you thinking?” This time, Erwin’s smile spreads, his blue eyes shine.

“I want him to join us.” 

“I thought that was already the whole point of this mission.” 

“I want him to join, and I want him to stay.” 

“Stay? Are you saying you want a famous criminal to be a real member of the Survey Corps?”

“Yes.” 

“I knew you had strange ideas, but I didn’t know you were crazy. It will be already hard to convince everyone else to let him in now, how do you plan to make people accept him even after that?”

“People will understand, and the other soldiers have no right to say anything about this.”

“Don’t they? What about Shadis? Does he know?”

“I still haven’t had the chance to tell him, there is no need.” Erwin pauses, then continues. “That criminal, as you call him-”

“As he is, Erwin. Why are you defending him all of a sudden?” Mike interrupts him, but Erwin goes on as if he hasn’t spoken a word. 

“has more potential than anyone I've ever known, I think. He would be a powerful weapon against titans, one nobody would regret having among us. Can’t you see that?”

“Maybe. How do you know he would accept? After we sort this Lobov situation out, what do you think he would say?”

“I still don’t know.” 

“Right. And how do you know we can trust him, anyway? I don’t know Erwin, it seems too dangerous.” 

“I know you might think of me as a madman, but what if I tell you that I can actually feel it that we can trust him? I don’t know for sure, of course, it’s just an instinct.”

“Instincts are nice, Erwin, but they aren’t always right.” They stay silent for a while, Erwin turns around in his chair and looks out of the window. He can hear Mike breathing, thinking. Mike clears his throat as he stands up, before leaving. 

“Can I ask you something, too?” Erwin, still turned around, hums. 

“You think it’s him, don’t you?” Erwin inhales deeply, almost gasps. Of course, Mike has already figured it out. But he doesn’t know the answer to his question. 

“That doesn’t matter now, does it? A weapon is a weapon.” The words come out serious, empty. They exit Erwin’s mouth as they always do when he has to hide his feelings. Besides, what he’s thinking now is not entirely wrong. He has to believe that too. A weapon is a weapon. If Erwin has feelings or not about it, titans don’t care. It’s just a tiny detail in humanity’s history. And he believes this man, Levi or not Levi, could change that. Change history for the better.

Like they used to dream of years ago. 

“If you say so.” Mike simply replies. He leaves without saying anything more, Erwin knows what he would like to say anyway. He wishes Mike would trust his judgment on this. 

It doesn’t happen often that Mike doesn’t agree with him, but when he does it never feels right. This time, though, Erwin has to trust himself first. He needs to find Wraith, prove that Lobov is the actual criminal and convince the incredible man to join the Survey Corps. 

_ It’s for the Survey Corps. For it, not myself. It’s not for me.  _

Erwin spends the whole day thinking the words all over again.   
  


***

 

It takes Erwin an entire long week to gather enough information about Wraith. This time, he asks the right people and he finds out about what kind of business the criminal is involved in. Apparently, he’s like a lone wolf, but he does anything you want if you pay him well enough. Even politicians used him sometimes, to kill their rivals. Erwin is not surprised. 

He understands in the past it wasn’t only him, there was an older man with him. But then things changed and he made a name for himself. He finds out how easy it is to make him angry, and if he does get angry it never ends in a nice way. He hears all the things he has heard before again and again until he meets someone who knows a little more. 

It costs him ten beers and a good dose of effort, trying to be as friendly as he can. It works, in the end, and the man he’s been talking to tells him that Wraith has taken one of his usual breaks. It’s been fours days already, he’s in the woods. Erwin freezes when he hears it, but that is good news. He has more possibilities of finding him in the forest that outside of it. Because, if it is Levi, he knows where to look. 

Of course the other man tells him it’s almost impossible to find him, that usually it’s him who comes out. If he likes you he stays, if he doesn’t he just scares you away. If not kill you. Erwin isn’t scared, he’s thrilled, excited. Will he actually find him? He has to. 

Then he remembers, no matter what he wants Levi- Wraith is going to find him anyway, because Erwin is his mission. And if it is Levi, is the forest a clever trap, because he knew he would go there? Erwin can’t be sure. 

Erwin goes back home, to Marie, one last time before there is one thing only left to do. Go to the forest. 

 

***

 

A gentle light illuminates Erwin and Marie’s bedroom in the earliest hours of the day. The sun is about to rise, shining bright as always yet another time. The sky is clear and there is no sign of clouds or rain. It’s the perfect day and Erwin has to be grateful for it. It almost feels ironic, last time he set foot in the forest it had rain, the wind had been strong and the sky had looked like the one of a beautiful, desolate painting. 

Erwin silently gets up, trying not to wake Marie up. He stops, just for a moment, to look at her. She’s sleeping heavily, her chest softly going up and down. She looks beautiful, even with her hair uncombed and only a nightgown on. She looks peaceful, more than anything. Erwin brings a hand down and strokes her cheek, wishing deep inside for her to remain like that forever. Calm, serene as she is now. Her cheek feels soft to the touch, he hopes she’s having a nice dream. 

He’s about to face his best nightmare. 

That is, if he was right. Withdrawing his hand and heading for the bathroom Erwin has to remind himself that he still can’t be sure that the man he’s going to meet today is who he thinks it is. He hopes for it, fears it too. Strangely enough he has slept better than he had in a long time, but he still feels as if he had been awake for days. He looks at himself in the mirror. A reflection that shows a man different from how he feels. What he sees is a confident man, a healthy face, and proud eyes. That’s what the world sees. Only if he looks closely he can notice the tiredness, the constant worrying going on in the back of his mind. 

He touches his own face and, with surprise, notices how his hand is slightly shaking. That’s unusual. He moves his hand away, clenching his fist around the sink. Biting his lip, making it almost bleed, he wonders why is he so nervous, when only a few hours ago he had been so excited about the whole thing. What if he can’t actually do this? What if it isn’t him? Doubts are eating him alive and for a foggy second he thinks about going back to bed and leave the mission to someone else, Mike maybe. 

No. He has to do this alone, he owes it to the whole world. He needs Wraith, whoever he might be. It doesn’t matter what he feels. He stops shaking and his spirit comes back, normal as always. Or so he tells himself, he will fake it if he must. 

He gets dressed, the uniform fitting his body perfectly as always and takes the blades from the gear only. He won’t need to fly today, maybe that will make the other man more at ease too. Looking like he might be in disadvantage should help him. Erwin is a good soldier, he knows how to fight, he’s not worried about that. 

At first, when he was still a small teenager, he had thought he wasn’t fit for it. That maybe that wasn’t what he was supposed to do. Maybe he would never have been able to fight, ever. But age helped him and with it his body had grown taller, stronger and through all of those days of practice he had changed. Erwin had never given up, no matter what the others would tell him at the start. No matter how jealous he would be of them, even of Mike at the beginning. But confidence and stubbornness had taken jealousy’s place, and everything had worked out fine. Indeed, he became one of the most promising recruits. Both for his intelligence and physical skills. He had been proud, when he still could afford himself to be. 

Now, instead, he doesn’t even need to think about worrying. He doesn’t need to obsess over fighting like he would before. It comes natural to him, like he was meant to do it since birth. He still trains, of course, sometimes finding ways to push himself even further. Challenging himself. The only one who can keep up with him is Mike, which only makes him proud of his friend. 

And so he takes his weapons with him and leaves, after turning one last time towards Marie. 

“I’ll be back soon.” He whispers and leaves. 

The first air of the morning bites into his skin, a light but cold breeze reddens his cheeks and makes him shiver once. He rubs his hands together trying to keep them warm before the long ride ahead of him. Despite the bright sky and the encouraging sun, it’s hard to think of it as a pleasant day to stay outside. It was the perfect day, yes, if had remained in bed drinking hot tea and appreciating his fiancée’s beauty maybe. But he has to do this anyway. Years in the Survey Corps have been enough for him to be used to the freezing weather. 

He takes him several minutes to get to the stables outside the Survey Corp’s camp, but at least he doesn’t meet anyone he knows. He hasn’t told anyone he’s going to the forest, not Mike, not Shadis, anyone. Let alone Marie. He knew they would have gone with him, but he didn’t want anyone with him. Not that day. He could do it alone. 

As he jumps on his beloved horse, patting his head twice with care, he thinks about Mike’s words. He remembers the doubt in his eyes, in the tone of his voice. It felt like being thrown back to his childhood, when no one would listen to him and his ideas. But Mike still trusted him that’s what is different. Sometimes Erwin has to remind himself he’s not that insecure weak kid anymore, people don’t look at him like that. They still think he’s weird, still find his ideas a bit risky but, in the end, most of the people who know him understand he’s doing the right thing. Of course that hadn’t happened overnight. He had taken Erwin years to make people trust his judgment. Exactly like he had taken him all that time to make Levi trust him back then. But that was a whole other story. 

The ride to the forest isn’t as long as the walk from the other day, but it still takes him a while to get there. As he rides he sees his old little town again. He’s almost tempted to visit Isabelle again but that might not be a good idea. It would only distract him, and he needs to stay focused. During the whole trip, his mind is clear, nearly empty. He concentrates on the riding and the landscape around him. He doesn’t think, as if his brain was trying to protect him somehow. Preventing him to be triggered by the things he's about to face again. It feels like a broken calm before the storm. 

It’s barely after noon when the forest becomes a clear, tall image in front of him. He stops just outside of it, the same place he had once brought Levi to look at the night sky, to look at the stars. He takes a long deep breath before jumping off his horse and secure it to a tree. He checks twice if the knot holds out, it does. He turns his eyes to the woods, just one step away from him. Only a few days ago, he never would have dreamed to go back. But there he was. 

Years later, grown-up, taller than he’s ever been but still not able to reach for the sky as his old friend would do. There he is as a completely different man, not a child anymore, not so innocent, naive, delicate. There he is, memories bursting in front of his eyes, following him around and not willing to leave him alone. Not now, not ever. 

He runs a hand through his neat blond hair and sighs. It’s time to let go, to let those memories do what they have come to do. They make the world feel as if he was only living in a wild dream, not actual reality. A world that had once fallen apart; he doesn’t know if he can’t pick the pieces up. He has to try. 

The first real step into the forest is thrill. The second is numbness instead. The third feels like shame, the fourth is remorse. The next is confusion, the other is fear. Another yet comes with a smile, when his eyes land on what was once one of his favorite flowers. He walks ahead and he drowns in anger, hurt, sadness, lost happiness and echoes of blissful moments that don’t belong to him anymore. Every step is a different emotion and the nature around him that once was home makes him feel dizzy. 

It makes him feel exactly like the first time he had ever dreamed about the forest, it suffocates him. But he can’t. He has to come back, to free his lungs. He stops and breathes. The air from the environment around him doesn’t smell the same as he remembered. It’s different, as if it was telling him he's not welcome there. But it’s just a forest, it can’t tell him anything. 

Erwin is not a child anymore, he can be strong. _ I’m not afraid, not afraid. I will find him _ . He thinks to himself, feeling stupid for it. Feeling weak for being afraid, but then he remembers his own words. Words that he has said to his young recruits thousands of time for every time they would be too scared to move. Fear is natural, fear is human. It’s okay to be scared, as long as you don’t let it overwhelm you. Fear is part of you, so face it. Use it. Let it wake you up, let it guide you and then prove you are stronger than that.

Erwin closes his eyes, trying to listen more than seeing. He hears the forest being thicker, the trees sound bigger, more intimidating. But it’s okay. He can still do this. He wonders, as he opens his eyes again, why it is that it all seems so huge now that he’s an adult. Why didn’t it feel like that when he was a child? It’s a question he can’t answer, he just doesn’t know. 

After what seems like an hour, Erwin realizes he’s far deeper in the forest than he thought. In the end, finding his way through the woods isn't so easy. He doesn’t even know if he has an actual place to reach, or if he’s just supposed to go around the forest randomly hoping to find someone there. If Wraith is Levi, then maybe he could find him in the usual places. But Erwin is lost now, he doesn’t know how to go there anymore. Calm, he needs to be calm and think. What is it that it always used to help him find his way when he was a kid? 

Erwin thinks for a while, then he remembers. The river. If he manages to find the narrow river flowing through the trees then maybe he could remember everything else too. He hates how the forest seems so different, but he guesses that’s what growing up does. It makes you forget. 

Another hour passes until he eventually hears the sound of the water. He almost starts running as he does, until he finds himself in front of the river. Finally. A place he recognizes, too. Memories of long summer afternoons come back to him all at once and he understands where he is; he must be near the glade too. What he’s seeing now, the dying leaves on the ground, the wonderful warm colors all around him, the shining water under him are all part of the same spot where he and Levi would run as bored kids when the weather was too hot and they needed to refresh themselves.

Erwin smiles, against himself, remembering those days when they would play in the cold water. Fighting with Levi in the river had always been one of his favorite pastimes. He remembers suddenly how strong Levi was, despite his tiny body and their age difference. His mind goes back to when he would go back home, look at himself in the mirror, and find various bruises here and there spread all over his body. All because he would tell Levi not to hold back, because there was no need to. 

He remembers the first day they had fought, when Levi had looked at him with worried eyes and scoffed, when Erwin had almost seemed happy about being hurt. He was, even though he had never told him.

His jaw clenches, his chest feels heavier. In front of that lovely sight, it takes serious concentration for Erwin not to be overwhelmed by anger. Storming feelings stab him right in the heart, enraged against himself. Against his own reactions and bad choices, choices he never even made. Erwin feels so alone, all of a sudden, he wishes he could just run. Run away from his life, his past, this world. But why would he run now that he was so close to living it all again? 

He had it all, and he had ruined it.  

He shakes his head hard and drives those thoughts away. He has to go on, needs to find Wraith. 

After finding the river it’s all automatic. Erwin walks as if he didn't have anywhere to go, but his legs take him exactly where he needed to be. Days have grown shorter and as the air gets colder Erwin remembers about snow and moments where he and Levi would stand close, with their blanket tight around them. It’s still afternoon, but the sun is already setting down. Its golden rays pierce through the tall trunks and melt with the crimson and the orange of the leaves, with the colors of the trees and the ground. It melts in the water painting rainbows on the peaceful waves of the river. 

If Erwin wasn’t on an important mission, that might cost him more than he believes, he would have stopped and enjoyed the day. He would have taken Marie with him, laughed. Living the life he usually dreams of when stress adds up and his duties become a burden more than a promise to keep. Those dreams never last for long, though. 

It is all beautiful as he remembers, but it still feels different. Like it wasn’t his forest, the one that held most of his happiness and most of his pain. It’s different and it’s obvious when he steps into the glade. His glade, their old glade. The one where had first met Levi, where he had first talked to him, read to him. The fondest place in the back of his mind. It’s so different. 

Erwin frowns. His senses awaken suddenly, because that can’t be nature’s work only. Alert eyes flit from one spot to the other. Everything looks clear, the leaves from the trees are moved to the glade’s side and it seems larger than Erwin remembered. But not the way the forest seemed bigger at the beginning of the afternoon, no. Like someone had made it look like that, like someone used that place regularly. He sucks in a silent breath when he focuses on the trees. 

The wood is scratched, gouged deeply as if someone had taken their time to do that. Erwin gets closer to one tree, raising his hand to touch. It looks, feels like a knife cut. Like someone had practiced knife throwing and more on the trees, several times and not with normal vigor. It looked like the work of someone who knew what they were doing. Someone strong, precise, agile but powerful. Like someone he knew. 

A sudden, intense rush of wind makes Erwin withdraw quickly, he turns around and his body can’t help but assume a defensive position. He hears something moving fast, leaves crunching and branches creaking. The air changes again and Erwin feels trapped. His head shoots up. He’s not alone. 

Could it be- 

“You sure you’re in the right place, city boy?”

It comes like a distant echo through the forest. Above him, in front of him, behind him. Erwin holds his breath, his heart stops beating. The voice sounds hoarse, harsh, amused. More mature than the last time he heard it. It’s not a voice he’s used to but he could recognize it even among the loudest crowd. He can’t see him, but it’s him.

It’s Levi. 

It happens in the blink of an eye, Erwin doesn’t even have the time to regain his breath. Someone jumps on him from behind, from up above. It’s heavy and strong and Levi manages to climb around Erwin quicker than a flash, clinging to him and eventually facing him for a split second he won’t even remember later on. Levi drags him down with a neat blow over Erwin’s throat. He coughs and crashes to the ground, Levi falling down with him.

Erwin, half dizzy from the punch, finds himself lying on his back with Levi sitting astride him, leaned forward and keeping him steady with his body’s weight. Adrenaline runs wild in Erwin’s veins, his breath is heavy and his heart is vibrant, resounding in his ears louder than thunder. 

Erwin tries to free himself, out of instinct, but Levi blocks him. One strong hand pins his arm to the ground as the other flies to Erwin’s throat, a knife in Levi’s hand. He presses down just enough to make Erwin realize it’s better if he stops. He does, he doesn’t even try to fight after that. Levi feels firm over him, serious and focused. His eyes narrow, the knife feels stronger against his skin. But Erwin doesn’t fight it; he’s never felt more awake. More alive. 

The sharp blade slightly cuts him, enough for him to feel blood sliding warm on the side of his throat. Erwin sucks in a breath when Levi’s eyes flick from him to the knife, to the cut, to the blood. He feels one cold finger stroking up his neck. Levi rubs the blood away from his neck and licks the dark red off his finger, without even considering Erwin’s wild surprise for the gesture. His eyes look uneasy for less than a second, until they fix back on Erwin’s face. 

Everything is still happening so fast, but time stops for Erwin. 

As if there was nothing around them, as if Levi wasn’t really pointing a knife to his throat, Erwin can’t help but focus on him only. Ecstatic, ardent, defeated, he looks at him. He looks at him as if he was the first time ever, and as if it was just another usual day from his childhood at the same time. Erwin’s body freezes, his breath feels long forgotten. There is nothing but Levi in front of him. His friend, his nightmare. 

Blue eyes pierce through silver ones; silver, white, gray, red- Levi’s eyes are not the same. To Erwin, they shine like dying graceful stars. Stars that have seen it all and are tired of the world, but despite that they stay alive. There are flames behind those eyes, something that Erwin remembers even too well this time. Levi, his Levi, looks exactly like he last left him and completely different. Different from that one single day a few years before. 

He has the eyes of a criminal, a killer. Erwin can see an ocean of broken, longed-for innocence rippling inside them. He has light bags under his eyes, but he barely notices them. Erwin’s gaze keeps leering at him. Levi’s pale skin shines radiantly against the warm sun’s light, it looks like fair gold. Fair gold contrasting with the pitch black of his quite long hair, contrasting with a light dark stubble. Sharp features capture Erwin’s heart once again and even though he feels wide awake, now he’s almost sure he’s living in a dream. Levi is exactly as he left him, but more.

Levi’s lips are pressed together and his gaze keeps moving, trying to figure out what Erwin is thinking. But how could Erwin even begin to describe what he’s feeling? There’s history written all over their faces, behind their eyes. Erwin is looking at him as if Levi was a masterpiece holding his soul in his hands, and not as if he was a target, like he should be. Erwin should be looking at him in black and white, but his heart is screaming in colors. He can barely think straight, and it’s not like him. He wasn’t expecting this. He’s about to fall apart, but Levi brings him back.

The knife’s pressure loosens just enough for Erwin to breathe right again. 

“You have five seconds to run.” Levi says, his voice so different from just a minute ago. It sounds so honest. Worried almost. Rushed but direct. 

“You’re beautiful.” Erwin can’t control the words coming out of his mouth, he doesn’t even realize he’s saying them until the knife presses down against his throat heavier than before. Levi leans closer and a heated spark flickers in his narrowing eyes. Levi’s hand trembles.

“Four.”  

Erwin’s eyes fall on Levi’s body, arms. He’s wearing a white shirt and loosened pants. Nothing complicated but the sleeves of the shirt are rolled up and he can see scars, the ones everyone have told him about. Red scars of deep cuts, of wounds that don’t look pleasant at all. He looks at Levi again and it’s so clear in his eyes that he doesn’t believe Erwin’s words. Levi probably thinks he looks like a mutilated monster. They both shouldn’t be thinking about this right now.

“Levi-” Erwin says his name for the first time after years. 

“Don’t you dare say my name.” His hand shakes more, but the grip on Erwin’s arm is still strong.

“What should I call you, then? Wraith?” Erwin’s reply comes along with an empty chuckle. That’s the name for everyone else, not for him. But Levi seems offended. He gets closer, almost spitting the next number. Anger on his lips.

“Three.” Levi’s familiar smell fills Erwin’s lungs after a long breath. He still smells like wet ground, nature, and life. He also smells of blood and fighting, though. It’s a smell Erwin is used to, one he’s quick to recognize. He can smell Levi’s breath too, near and fresh. 

“Why should I run? Why are you letting me go, right after attacking me?” Erwin asks, simple and straight to the point. The hint of a smile appears on his face. 

“Because I-” Levi’s sharp voice trembles along with his hand. He looks away, silver eyes flying to the side, as he slightly moves back. His face is something between pain and open hesitation.

“You don’t need a reason, you’re lucky enough I’m giving you this opportunity.” 

“What if I don’t want to accept?” 

Levi laughs almost maniacally after Erwin’s answer, it’s a sound that wouldn’t count as a real laughter anywhere. 

“Why? Do you have a suicide wish?” The knife presses closer, another drop of blood falls down Erwin’s skin but he’s not worried about that. Levi must be faking, he has a job to get done, he can’t kill him already. Or that’s how it should go. Erwin is not sure the countdown is part of the plan, Levi sounds too sincere.

“Two?” Erwin asks, teases. 

“What do you want?” That, instead, must be part of Levi’s plan. Erwin is sure Levi knows why he’s there. Levi probably knows they have been looking for them, after asking around all that many people the rumors must have spread to him too. But that’s what he wanted. For Erwin to find him and ask him to join him. What Levi doesn’t know is that they weren’t looking for him because he was a useful criminal, to exploit him as a weapon and keep him under control. Levi doesn’t know Erwin and the others know about Lobov and his filthy schemes.

But Erwin has to play along. Pretending he doesn’t know Levi is coming with him no matter what. 

“I heard you have quite the reputation.” 

“Cut the bullshit and answer me.” 

“Levi, I’m sorr-” In a moment of weakness, looking at Levi’s desperate eyes, Erwin tries to apologize. He goes there, where he should never go. Of course, it’s the wrong move. Levi gets angry. 

“One.” He punches Erwin in the face once. “Wrong fucking answer.” 

He punches him again and again, Erwin frozen from the sudden pain, until the older man gains complete consciousness again and stops him. Levi has loosened his hold on the knife and Erwin is able to hit Levi’s hand, making the blade fall out of the way. With a quick jerk, he stands up, Levi following already on his feet. Ready to fight. 

Levi screams and attacks again, coming at Erwin at full strength. Erwin notices it right away, how every one of his moves is neat, precise, but also spontaneous and seriously dangerous. Erwin manages to keep up here and there but Levi has pure rage in his eyes, in his body, and Erwin is not sure anymore what the other is trying to do. If he’s faking a good fight or if he’s finally trying to pour out all the anger and suffering Erwin had made him feel all those years before.

Levi stops, then. They are both panting and careful, waiting for the other to make a move. But Erwin doesn’t want to attack.

“What the fuck do you want?” Levi repeats, voice like poison. Eyes like fury. His cheeks flushed from the fight.

“Do you know what my uniform means?” 

“Tch. I’m not an idiot, of course I know.” Levi rolls his enraged eyes, he takes a step forward. Erwin understands it must be hard for him to control himself at the moment. It’s worse than he thought, but he doesn’t blame him. How could he?

“Then you know that we need more soldiers. That we need more people who can fight. Strong people, who have the potential to take down titans. People like you, for example.” 

“What the hell are you saying?” Levi takes another step forward. His hands, Erwin notices, are still shaking. 

“Levi-” 

“Stop saying my goddamn name.” He interrupts him quick. 

“Levi,” Erwin repeats, more serious about saying a name than he’s ever been. “join the Survey Corps.” 

There are a million things that run in front of Levi’s gray eyes after that. As he looks at him, Erwin sees how much he just wants to say no. But he can’t, because he has a job. He looks at him and he sees his lips shaking, sees the hate radiating from his whole body. Erwin understands, then, how much Levi has changed towards him. How there isn’t even a single bit of trust left, trust or care or whatever it is that Levi must have felt when they were kids. 

Erwin’s heart breaks, again. He feels it shutter and his stomach tightens. It’s all his fault. But if Levi hated him that much, then why did he almost let him go? There are things not even Erwin can understand, and obviously Levi is not easy to understand. As always.

“Why should I?” 

“Because we need you.” Because I need you.

“As if I cared.” Levi launches forward and hits Erwin again. He’s fast and strong and he manages to punch Erwin, who gasps and coughs loudly, one more time. Erwin fights back, they fall on the ground and it’s hard to dodge Levi’s blows. 

Then, Erwin remembers Levi isn’t the only one who has brought weapons with him. He still has the blades. 

He manages to make them both stand up, Levi seems blind with rage. Levi doesn’t stop and he hits and he hits until Erwin is fast enough to anticipate one of his moves. He manages to kick him behind his leg, making him fall down on his knees in front of him. He’s even faster to draw his blade out. He presses it to Levi’s throat, making him stop suddenly. One movement and he could cut him open. Levi, who looks up panting, with eyes wide open. Wild eyes. 

Erwin has Levi’s life in his hands, now. He doesn’t like it, but it’s the only way. He swallows hard, before speaking again. Blue, broken eyes locked with Levi’s. 

“What have you got to lose?” Levi moves his head slightly to the side at Erwin’s words, as if he didn’t want to hear them but he had nowhere to go. Blood drops from the shallow cut.

“What have you got to offer?” That’s a good question. What does he have to offer? Death, pain, sleepless nights and constant fear. But also glory, if they’ll ever succeed. Satisfaction. Strong values coming to life. A life without titans, a life outside the walls. He could offer him all they would be dreaming about as kids. 

“You know, in theory, that I could just arrest you? Treat you like the criminal you have become.” 

“You can’t prove I’m Wraith. No one even knows what I look like. What? Do you think I’m that stupid not to take precautions?” 

“You just confirmed that it’s you.” Erwin can’t help but smile, playing dirty.

“You don’t know anything.” 

“I could have you arrested and tell everyone what you have done.” 

“I only ever worked for other people. Even your little friends hired me once, not capable of getting their own hands dirty. They wouldn’t accept whatever you say to save their own asses.”

“You’re right.” Erwin agrees, but his smile doesn’t go away. Levi frowns, still angry as before with him. Confused too, now.

“So what have I done?” He spits, asking Erwin a fair question. 

“Whatever I say you did.” He presses the blade just enough to upset Levi, enough to catch him off guard. “Who do you think they are going to believe? Me or you?” 

He leaves it at that. It’s either the Survey Corps or prison, and possible death. It’s up to you. Erwin tells him with his eyes during a long thoughtful silence. Tension runs between them, and eventually Erwin takes the blade off Levi’s neck. The other man stands up, still hostile but calmer. Erwin takes a step back and gives Levi the choice. 

“Join us. Join me, Levi.” Levi looks right at him, doesn’t move his silver eyes away. The sun is fading further, but Levi looks beautiful as always in the dark too. It takes him a full minute to make up his mind, to say something. Erwin waits patiently. He’ll say yes. 

“Fine. I’ll join the Survey Corps.” Erwin smiles.   
  


***

 

The forest gets dark around them eventually, shadows from the night cover their tired bodies and walking among the trees is harder than Erwin remembered. Levi, who refused to wear handcuffs quickly promising not to get away, keeps looking at Erwin with mockery in his eyes. 

“What? Don’t remember the way home anymore?” He says at one point, as Erwin leads the way… a way he doesn’t know, because Levi is right. He forgot.

“I suppose you do.” He replies instead of getting angry, either at Levi or himself he doesn’t know. Levi scoffs and gets ahead of him. After that, it takes them only ten minutes to get out of the forest. 

The afternoon has gone and the evening sky shines above them. Erwin remembers the first day he had taken Levi outside those tall trees, the time it took to let him step out. Now, instead, Levi seems to have no problem at all to do so. If not, he seems annoyed when Erwin stops to look at him. The blonde's eyebrows frown as a new kind of sadness gloom over him. It’s going to take a while to get used to this new Levi. He’s not like the child he knew anymore. 

“Now what?” Levi asks, impatient, and Erwin comes back to reality. 

Erwin doesn’t talk but walks forward, Levi following him behind without him telling him to do so. He finds his horse again and climbs on. From up above he looks down at Levi, with his arms crossed on his chest and a confused face. Levi tilts his head like he used to every time he couldn’t understand Erwin. A small, soft smile appears on Erwin’s face, but the other man doesn’t seem amused at all. 

“Am I supposed to walk all the way there?” Levi snaps, narrowing his killer eyes while gazing at Erwin. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t think about bringing another horse with me, even though that would have been suspicious anyway. You can ride with me. Besides, it doesn’t look like your weight would be a problem.” 

“You’re not serious.” Levi’s eyes widen, his thin eyebrows raise up in perplexity. Levi can believe what he wants, but Erwin really hasn’t thought about it before going there. His mistake, but not one impossible to fix.

“Of course, you’re welcome to walk. That will take a while, though.” Erwin says and gives a small order to his horse to move on. He keeps his gaze ahead and smirks an invisible smile when he hears Levi sigh and snort behind. 

“E-” Levi begins, almost saying Erwin’s name but he stops, as if he couldn’t say the word. Erwin realizes that he still hasn’t called him by his name once, not that it was too important but it sounds weird. Even the way he kept telling him to stop saying his own name. “you. Wait.” 

Erwin stops the horse. “Yes?” 

He sees Levi rolling his eyes irritatedly with the corner of his eyes. Levi reaches for him and climbs on the horse with more ease than Erwin was expecting. He sits behind him but he keeps as much distance as he can, turning his head to the side and hiding his expression under long hair. Erwin turns his head to look at him. 

“You should hold onto me as we go, unless you want to fall off.” Erwin’s voice is serious and impassive. Like he’s simply giving an order. “Or unless you want to proceed at a walking pace. But I was trying to avoid that.” 

Levi’s head snap back and his eyes lock with Erwin’s, spiteful and distrustful. “No way I’m doing that.” 

“Fine, then.” 

They start slow, Erwin doesn’t want to risk making Levi angrier than he already is so soon. He hears him breathing behind him, he’s so close but he feels so far away. Looking up at the stars Erwin’s blue eyes melt with the pale light of the moon. The clear sky makes him think about old days, about the man sitting near to him that he once knew. Erwin thought his heart would have exploded, that his body would have stopped moving but after that breath-taking moment in the forest, he kept on going normally. He knows he has imagined that moment, their reunion, hundreds of times but things never go the way one wants. 

The Levi he remembered, the strong but caring child is gone. Or, at least, he’s hidden somewhere deep inside. It’s hard to remember how things were now that everything is so different in his life too. It’s hard to do that after all those years, but it feels as if not even a day has passed. Levi might have changed, but his eyes still remind Erwin of the boy he would once call his best friend. More than anything, they remind him of how Levi had made him feel. 

Being outside of the forest with him feels even stranger. Erwin should shake those old memories away and try to figure this new Levi out. He’s dying to know what happened to him once he disappeared. Once he- once he killed Farlan and Isabel. His heart cringes, the memory still hurts. He has wondered many times who those men Levi would talk about were too, but answers never came. Maybe, now that Levi’s with him again, he could reach for them. 

“Are you okay?” Erwin asks, to break the ice and the silence of the quiet cold evening. 

“Shut up.” The reply comes quick and hard. Erwin only giggles silently, he doesn’t know why but this even more bad-tempered Levi sounds almost funny to him. As long as he doesn’t try to kill him, that is. The strength that Levi put in the fight from before still hasn’t left Erwin’s mind. One wrong move and he could have killed him. 

“Where did you learn to use the three-d maneuver gear?” Erwin continues, but Levi doesn’t reply this time. 

“How did you get one? Who taught you how to use it?” 

Silence. Erwin presses his lips together and gives a firm kick which makes the horse goes faster. The sudden acceleration comes along with a small leap and, out of instinct, Levi leans forward and grasps Erwin’s shirt. Levi’s chest crashes over Erwin’s back and the taller man hears a loud startled gasp before Levi gets away, still holding onto him because Erwin hasn’t slowed down. It’s hard for Levi to sit straight now that they have gained speed, whether he wants it or not he has to cling onto Erwin if he doesn’t want to fall off. 

“What the fuck was that for?” Levi barks annoyed, his arms going around Erwin’s waist to hold himself. 

“Since it’s evident you don’t feel like talking, I thought we could as well hurry this up.” Erwin simply explains, hoping that maybe Levi will talk now. 

“Fine, whatever.” Levi’s arms around him feel hesitant and tense. “No one taught me.” He says, referring to Erwin’s previous questions. 

“That’s impossible.” There is real incredulity in Erwin’s voice. “Did you learn how to use it alone?” 

“So it seems.” 

“Impressive.” Erwin says to himself, his mind taking him back to those early days when he had to learn. He would never have made it without someone else explaining it to him. Levi doesn’t seem to be touched by the compliment. 

“I saw you use it the other night.” Erwin confesses. 

“I know.” Levi replies, his voice lacking any emotion. 

“I thought so.” 

They keep going as the night gets colder. The wind gets stronger and one blow hits harder than the others. Erwin shivers and Levi leans closer to him, placing his head against his back, to cover himself from the freezing air. His hands hold on tighter, and Erwin looks down. Levi’s wrists are still bare from the rolled up sleeves of his shirt and Erwin’s mouth slightly opens in surprise when his eyes see it. Levi is wearing the watch he had given to him all those years ago. As if he never took it off. 

As if Levi could sense what Erwin was looking at, he moves his arms as back as he can without losing balance. His head leans closer to Erwin, Levi hides behind his back. Erwin’s eyes widen, his stance softens. 

“You still have it.” Erwin says in a blue whisper, his voice nostalgic.

Silence falls on them, Levi gripping Erwin’s shirt tighter. Erwin feels the heat coming from his body, but his hands are freezing. They’re shaking. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that, maybe Erwin should just shut up and give him his jacket to avoid letting him catch a cold. Then he remembers how used Levi is to the cold, remembers those snowy days when he wouldn’t even wear shoes. Levi’s chest feels hot against his back, he can feel it rising and falling faster than before. But no matter how intimate the gesture might be, Levi still feels distant. He feels so near, too. There’s something wrong with him, but he doesn’t ask. It might be anger as much as it might be grief, regret.  

Something switches, then. The moment passes and Levi sounds cross and bitter again.  

“Don’t get any strange ideas, I only use it as a reminder of what you have done.” It stings, it hurts. It’s like an ice-cold knife stabbing him in the chest. What is worse, is that Levi sounds completely honest. 

Erwin wants to say he’s sorry. But he doesn’t, he can’t. He lets silence fall between them again and he rides through the night until they finally arrive. Levi doesn’t talk either.   
  


***

 

Erwin is quick to find a cloak with a large hood to make Levi cover himself. It’s still dark when they arrive at the Survey Corps base camp and it’s better if no one recognizes Levi, for his own good. They sneak into the soldier dorms and Erwin tells Levi to wait there. Levi obeys even though an order that simple seems to piss him off . When Erwin comes out the big room, he’s not alone. Mike, still half asleep but already dressed up in his uniform, stands beside him. 

“Erwin, who is this?” He asks, his voice sounding like he knows already but Levi is still covered up by the hood. 

“Mike, I found him.” 

Levi rolls his eyes and takes the hood off his face. He and Mike stare at each other, none of them looking too surprised. Erwin must admit he is a little bit disappointed. Instead, Mike leans down and takes a deep breath, sniffing the small man. Levi takes a step back and frowns deeply, along with an ugly grimace. 

“What the fuck?” Of course, he’s asking that. Erwin almost forgets every time how unusual it is for someone to smell another person the way Mike does. 

“He smells weird.” Mike says. “Wait- is it him?” 

“Wraith?” Erwin asks. 

“Yes, no, I meant him. Your friend?” 

“Ah, yes. Mike, this is Levi. Levi, this is Mike.” Erwin introduces them quickly. 

“Watch your mouth.” Levi spits, and Mike frowns. 

“What?” 

“I’m not his friend.” 

“Well, friend or not friend, we can’t let you go around the camp until the Commander and the other squad leaders know of your presence here.” Mike says, and Erwin nods agreeing. Mike is right. Still, Levi’s words don’t go unnoticed. It will probably hurt every time, won’t it? Erwin sighs to himself. That is not why Levi is there anyway. He can’t think about it.

Levi scoffs and crosses his arms, holding his head up. “So what are you going to do? Throw me in a cell until your superiors manage to take a happy shit all together?” 

Erwin and Mike look at each other, silently thankful for Levi to have come up with the idea. The next thing he knows, Levi is shut behind iron bars in the Survey Corps prison underneath the ground. They manage to convince the guards he’s only a common criminal, and fortunately, they believe them. Chaos would spread if they happened to find out who Levi is.

Levi grabs the bars and looks at them, angry and bothered. “I thought I would join the Survey Corps as a member, not as a prisoner.” 

“This is only temporary.” Erwin explains. He’s not happy about having Levi behind some bars either but it’s the best solution to keep the situation under control. 

“This is just fantastic.” Levi complains, with strong sarcasm. “How long am I supposed to stay in here?” 

“Just a few hours. A day top.” 

“A day? Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“Don’t tell me you can’t handle a day in a cell.” Mike intervenes. His words teasing but his voice normal as always. He means what he’s just said. 

“Fuck off.” Levi replies and turns around. He goes sitting against a wall and shuts up, giving them clear signs that he’s done talking for the time being. 

“We should go wake Shadis and the others up.” Mike says. Erwin nods and, before leaving, shoots Levi one last look. He wonders how this is going to end. Having Levi there still feels like an impossible dream.   
  


***

 

Several hours have passed when Erwin, alone, goes back to Levi’s cell. It’s late morning outside now but Levi can’t know that. Erwin, Shadis, and the other squad leaders have met already. Erwin and Shadis have explained the situation, being utterly serious about the fact that no one can know Levi’s true identity. They would come up with a story for him, but knowing he's Wraith, the famous criminal, would mean problems among the other recruits. In fact, it’s already a problem because, as Erwin has thought, not everyone is willing to agree. Squad Leader Flagon Darlett especially. And so they have taken a break, to let him find the time to calm down. They needed everyone on their sides, they could wait a few hours to let the man cool his head and see some sense. 

In the meantime, Erwin has decided to pay Levi a visit. 

He finds him restlessly walking around the cell, his hands rubbing and scratching at his neck with almost too much strength. Levi looks upset, but Erwin doesn’t say anything about it. 

“I brought you some food.” He says and Levi turns around in a jerk, startled by Erwin’s voice. Weird, that he hasn’t noticed him coming. Erwin throws him a red apple and Levi catches it quickly. He looks down at it and cleans it off on his shirt. 

Erwin waits and Levi raises his eyebrows while looking at him. “What? I’m not going to thank you for this.” 

“I wasn’t expecting you to.” Erwin sighs. Levi takes a loud bite and only then Erwin realizes how hungry he must be. It’s like he could devour the fruit in less than a minute, but in the middle of it, Levi stops. Some juice drops over his chin and he wipes it out with his thumb. Erwin can't help but stare.

“How much longer?” His voice sounds tense, different than the night before. 

“Not much. We only need to convince one man more and then you can come out, and finally join the Survey Corps.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I hope this guy hurries up.” He says, his eyes flicking from one corner of the cell to the other. From the bars, from the walls outside the prison to Erwin. Erwin takes a step forward and Levi stops fidgeting. As he did last night, he seizes the bars in a quick jerk. They stand to face each other, nearer than Erwin thought. He gives him a long, worried look and speaks. 

“Are you okay?” This time, he doesn’t ask just to break the ice. Levi shuts his eyes and his lips slightly tremble as he replies. 

“Let me out.” His hands squeeze tighter around the bars. 

“It’s just a matter of-” 

“Let me out!” Levi shouts, this time. His whole body shakes and his eyes snap open. The usual beautiful silver of them is stained with red, and Erwin steps back. He sees anger, horror and fear in them. Unfortunately, he knows those eyes. Levi lets out a disturbing laughter, and then his face turns serious and sharp. 

“It’s just- I don’t like closed spaces, that’s all.” 

“Why?” Erwin can’t help himself. 

Levi’s eyes narrow and the red looks like poison, he looks ready to bite him. “None of your business.” 

There is a long pause, in which Erwin thinks about what to say, but Levi anticipates him. He’s fast and his hand grasps the front of Erwin’s shirt. He brings Erwin closer to him in a strong jerk and makes him almost crash against the bars. Erwin gasps for air for a second, then Levi talks.  

“Listen, I don’t care about what it takes for this guy to say yes. Go up there, punch him in the face if you have to but do it quick. Then bring your ass back down here and let me out of this place.” Erwin watches him and he can’t find the words. Eventually, Levi pushes him away and Erwin finds his breath again. 

“Let. Me. Out.” Levi says one last time, before collapsing to the ground. Erwin hasn’t seen him behave like that in years.

 

***  
  


“Are we done? Is it agreed?” Erwin says, after another hour of what has seemed like an endless meeting. 

“Yes.” Shadis says, then everyone’s look turns to Darlett.

“Yeah, whatever. If you are that reckless then fine.” 

“Good.” 

Erwin leaves the room still thinking about the distress in Levi’s words and the fear in his eyes. He goes back to the prison accompanied by Mike. It’s a short trip but it doesn’t feel like that to Erwin. Once those bars open, Levi will actually be joining them. Him. But Erwin mustn’t forget what Levi is there for, at least for the moment. Erwin can’t forget that Levi might be ready to kill him anytime, even though he still can’t picture it. 

“Finally.” Levi says impatiently when he sees Erwin and Mike walking towards him. “Took you long enough.” He says, but he doesn’t look at Erwin. If anything, it looks as if he’s trying to avoid his eyes as much as he can. He must feel ashamed for the scene he caused before. But Erwin hasn’t thought of it as such, worry blurring his judgment. 

“You’re free.” Mike says, working the keys in the cell’s lock.

The door opens and Levi steps out of it. He stretches loudly and this time, his gaze meet with Erwin’s. He looks at him and sucks in a breath; it begins.  

“Welcome to the Survey Corps, Levi.” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always I'm sorry for all the possible mistakes, AND I just wanted you all to know that the relationship between Marie and Erwin is seriously just platonic don't worry (but she will be important laaaaater on, still just a great friend mainly because I needed and wanted to write more women in my fic but yeah she won't "cause" troubles :3 she's a very sweet woman in my head and so she will be like that here too ahah) (idek why I'm saying this but I know some people might not like the idea, just that)
> 
> p.s. I'll probably upload next chapter in two weeks or so (sorry it takes time eheh)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said two weeks but hey I'm bored so I'm going to update it anyway :3 I hope you'll like this chapter! And thanks for reading!
> 
> p.s. as always, blah blah mistakes are going to be here AND the only warning there might be is violence I think, but nothing much (listen I don't even remember what I write myself I have problems but sssssssssh I have written this chapter like a month ago so yeah eheh)

 

The following afternoon, before the sky turns dark and stars begin to appear, Erwin and Shadis introduce Levi to the other recruits. Levi hasn’t talked a lot since the moment he stepped out of the cell, but Ewin is not surprised. He doesn’t know anyone there, and it’s not like he can say he knows Erwin too. He surely can’t talk to him as a friend, which he made explicit not to be. Nothing good would come out of opening his mouth, and so they let him stay silent. 

 

Erwin watches him as he steps on the stand with him and Shadis in front of the other soldiers. Levi is wearing the Survey Corps’ uniform now, and it looks like a bad joke but also like something Erwin has hoped all along. Even in his deepest dreams. Levi looks taller standing on the raised wooden base, but his body is still small and thin. It’s true, that if you can’t see his face he looks just like a young boy. Despite that, Erwin notices the cutting muscles of his arms and legs, showing from under the uniform. The cold light of the sun cuts Levi’s keen features, it slides over his long pale neck stained by the short beard. Erwin swallows once, and then his eyes keep away from Levi’s figure as much as they can. 

The noise around him becomes background, the silence of when Shadis starts speaking leaves him alone in the rough sea that is his mind. Concentrating is difficult when the person he feared and, at the same time, he wished to meet again all along is standing just a few steps from him. But Levi seems so untouched by it, as if Erwin was just another soldier who has gone and bothered him. As if Erwin was just another soldier to kill. But Levi kept the watch, for all the most horrible reasons. Still, that means he does remember. Erwin doesn’t know what to make out of it. Doesn’t know if he should believe him when he says it’s to remind himself of what Erwin has done. There is still so much he doesn’t know, that he wants to know. 

As Levi has a mission, he does too. He should be focusing on that. 

“Attention all troops!” Shadis shouts. “The one recruit you see standing up here is our new comrade, who will be fighting along with us. Starting today.” There is a low murmuring coming from the crowd below them. 

“Alright, you. Go on and introduce yourself.” Shadis tells the short man. There is a pause, before Levi takes a step forward and speaks.

  
“The name’s Levi.” He clicks his tongue and looks sideways, already bothered by everything. Erwin almost smirks, but then he has to intervene when one of the soldier speaks too loudly. 

“What is that supposed to mean? Who’s this guy, joining the Corps without even go through training. He looks like a criminal, anyway-” 

Levi takes another step forward, fists clenched at the sides, but Erwin notices and intercepts him quickly. He presses a strong arm against Levi’s chest, who immediately stops and looks up at him as if he could both kill him and thank him for averting an early murder. They exchange a quick glance and then Erwin places himself in front of him and faces the recruits. His arm falls down.

“I understand you all might be upset by the sudden news, but I can assure you this decision hasn’t been made without the necessary considerations and precautions. It’s true the new recruit might have a challenging past, coming from the Underground-”

“What?” Levi whispers in a fast and confused spit. Erwin ignores him. 

“But he has the talent and strength required to be a valid member of the Survey Corps. Please, let’s not turn any of these factors into a difficult situation.” Erwin finishes talking and the soldiers calm down, scared and respectful at the same time. He steps back. There is still someone who rolls his eyes, someone else who crosses their arms on their chest, but the silence returns. 

Shadis clears his throat, his expression slightly distressed. “He will be assigned to Flagon’s squad. You are in charge of him, alright Flagon?” 

“Y-you’re putting  _ him  _ in my squad?” Squad Leader Darlett asks shocked and angry. He shoots a furious look to Erwin, who doesn’t say absolutely anything. He just keeps looking ahead of him. In the meanwhile, Levi only observes impassible. 

“Is there a problem?” Shadis says, voice loud and hard. 

“No, it’s just that I thought that he would be put under leader Erwin’s care…” He says, already knowing that arguing is a lost battle. Levi, though, slightly turns his head toward the blonde man and Erwin sees him raising his eyebrows in something that looks almost like amusement, perplexion too. He was probably thinking the same thing as Darlett. Erwin is actually glad he’s too busy to have him in his squad, he doesn’t know what would happen then. How he would behave with him, what Levi would say. Was he really expecting it? Would he have been happy about it? Happy… as if Levi was there for such a thing. Erwin shakes his head when no one sees.

“Erwin has his hands full preparing for the upcoming expedition with the new formation. I am entrusting him to assist me in the command of the entire unit.” Shadis begins to explain. “For that reason, he doesn’t have time to babysit Levi. Are we clear?” 

“Yes, sir. I understand.” Darlett says forming the usual salute with his arms. Even though he’s agreeing with his body and words, his face is saying something else entirely. He obviously didn’t want for this to happen, especially since he’s the one who complained the most about Levi being there. Erwin thinks maybe, when he’ll see Levi fight, he will change his mind. 

“Then, it’s settled.” Shadis goes on speaking of reports and duties, as Erwin and Levi step down the stand. Darlett comes towards them and looks down at Levi with a cranky face. 

“Come on, then.” He says, expecting Levi to follow him. Erwin is about to leave, but then he notices how Levi is just not moving. Darlett turns around. 

“Well?” 

“I don’t like you.” Levi says, blunt and direct. 

“What did you say?” Darlett steps towards him and they stare at each other with dangerous hostility in their eyes. That’s when Erwin decides to intervene, for the sake of everyone else around. For his own, too. He can’t let Levi be trouble already. 

“Flagon,” He says, stepping between them. “I have another half an hour free. Do you mind if I come with you two?” He simply asks. Even though, he really doesn’t know why, it feels like his voice belongs to a nervous teenager and not him. Really? Was he actually that much affected by Levi’s presence? Either way, that is not the main problem to solve. Darlett looks at him narrowing his eyes, then lets out an impatient sigh.

“Fine, sure.” 

“Excellent.” 

When Erwin and Darlett start walking ahead, Levi follows. Darlett frowns, looking first at Erwin and then at Levi. He shakes his head as if there was something wrong he couldn’t quite understand. Levi follows pacing quickly behind them, but he stays silent. Erwin wonders why that is, is his presence changing things for the smaller man too? 

“Erwin,” Darlett says, before arriving at the dormitory, when there is no one else around. “I really don’t trust this guy.” He tries to whisper, but they both hear Levi scoffing behind them. 

“I can feel it, he’s up to something.” Darlett says, after a quick untrustworthy glance towards Levi. Erwin and Shadis didn’t told the others the whole plan, they didn’t know about Lobov and the documents Levi was after. They only knew he was Wraith and that he was now part of them. It’s safer that way. The less people who know, the better.

“Really?” Erwin replies, not able to keep back the sarcasm in his voice. Anyway, Darlett doesn’t seem to catch it. Levi does, looking right up at him with suspicious fire in his silver eyes. Erwin looks back at him, but he drifts his gaze away quickly enough not to make Levi read anything else in it.

“Yeah, of course. Erwin, he’s a damn criminal, that recruit was right and he guessed just by looking at him. I don’t think this is a good idea at all.” Darlett snaps. “And why would you even say he’s from the Underground? I thought no one could know about his true identity. Wasn’t that the whole point of this?”  

“That’s true.” Levi surprises them both as he suddenly talks, his voice curious and provoking. 

Darlett looks at him with pure irritation that almost looks like fear. Levi raises one thin eyebrow. 

“What? Did you think I was deaf?” He tells the man, then his eyes fly up to Erwin. “What’s up with that, anyway? The underground?” It’s strange for Erwin to listen to him talk like this, as if it was just a normal conversation. It’s unusual given Levi’s position too, but he lets it slide. 

Erwin stops and the other two both look up at him. “I merely thought that was the best explanation to give. Telling people you are from the underground makes it more believable for you not to be linked with the forest.” Erwin doesn’t look at Levi when he says that. And Levi doesn’t look at him.

“And how does that help?” Darlett interrupts him. 

“It helps, because if people don’t connect him with that, they won’t connect him with Wraith. Which is what we are trying to accomplish.” 

“Why’s that?” Levi asks out of nothing. 

“What makes you think you can just ask questions?” Darlett says. Erwin starts walking again, talking to them from ahead.  

“Let him.” He insists. Every word from Levi means more information and more- “Levi, why do you think?” He asks Levi to answer his own question. 

“They’re all going to be scared and pissed at me?” Levi half-jokes, even though his face remains as empty as before. His voice too.

“Well, that is simplified but yes. We all believe it would cause quite the trouble.” Erwin stops, once they reach the entrance for the soldiers’ quarters. He doesn’t turn around, talking from behind his broad tense shoulders. He thinks about the forest, thinks about keeping Levi safe from other people’s possible reactions to the news. 

“Your reputation really precedes you.” Levi only hums and Darlett sighs. 

They all step into the room and walk towards the end of it. “Okay then, here are the barracks in which you’ll be staying.” Flagon explains and Erwin observes Levi’s reaction. 

“Here we are, this is your bunk.” Levi’s face turns into disgust and confusion. Erwin stays still as the smaller man takes two steps more and touches the surface of the bed, sliding his finger over the wood as dust falls from it. He stops his hand mid-air and Erwin wonders what he’s thinking of. 

“You’re probably used to rolling around in filth, living like the real criminal you are and spending most of your time in the damn woods.” 

Levi turns, slowly, and manages to burn Darlett with his eyes as he frowns. 

“What the fuck?” He snarls at him suddenly. “I dare you to say that again, you shitting son of a bitch.” 

“What…?” Erwin is ready to step between them, again, as Darlett starts replying. 

“You little-! What the hell is with your attitude? Don’t forget I am your superior now! Wraith or whatever it is that you make yourself call-” Levi takes a quick step forward, ready to hit and that’s when Erwin knows it’s best if they all calm down. 

“Levi, stop.” Levi’s head snaps up. 

“What? Me? Didn’t your just hear what this idiot was trying to imply- as if I was a dirty rat rolling in shit.” 

“Levi. Enough.” Erwin raises his voice and Levi closes his mouth in a loud grunt. 

“Tch. Report to the training grounds once you’ve got yourself situated. I’m leaving now.” Darlett says his last words and storms off the barracks after giving Erwin a quick salute, leaving he and Levi alone in an awkward situation they both weren’t expecting to be.

“That piece of shit…” Levi whispers to himself turning to the bed once again, looking desperate in front of the poor sight. It’s not like Erwin can’t understand him, but it really wasn’t so bad once you get used to it. Of course, though, he remembers how Levi would always be clean and perfect no matter the environment in which he lived. He remembers the enthusiasm in his eyes the first time he had touched soap at his house. A memory that doesn’t end well, so he stops remembering. 

“Levi-” Erwin starts, to scold him one more time or maybe trying to comfort him. He can’t, because Levi meets his gaze halfway and looks at him with bitter eyes. Erwin’s mouth closes carefully, and he looks at him. 

It’s the first time he has stopped to do so since their fight the day before. A shiver runs down his spine and his jaw clenches. His eyes fix on the other’s face and in the light of the afternoon he looks different, again. He can see the youth in the smoothness of his skin and the very first signs of age around his eyes. A golden ray illuminates one side of his face and his hair looks lighter, not as black as he remembered. He focuses on him and there he is, hidden behind that layer of anger and arrogance, the child Erwin used to know. It’s the same nose, the same mouth, lips. It’s the same ears and eyebrows, almost the same eyes if he didn’t concentrate on the poison in them. It’s a relief to know he can still find him there, every now and then, in the right light. Erwin wonders how he must look to Levi after all those years. 

Levi doesn’t look away. 

“Why do you keep saying my name?” Levi asks in a threatening whisper. “What is it that you like so much about it? Stop.” 

“It’s the first word you ever said to me…” Erwin looks outside the window, trying to grasp the feeling of the memory again. He says the words and he’s not sure they have actually left his mouth. But they have, and Levi heard them. When Erwin’s eyes lay on Levi’s pale face again, he finds him speechless. Angry. He never stops looking angry. 

Erwin straightens himself up and acts like the leader he is again. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I will let you be, for now. Please, try to behave around Darlett.” Erwin salutes him, Levi doesn’t. His face is serious but inside his heart is beating a little too fast. This has to stop. 

He leaves and the last thing he sees is Levi looking down at the ground frowning, lips pressed tightly together.   
  


*** 

Night falls and the recruits start going to bed, one after one. Erwin watches them disappear from the dining hall slowly as the day ends and everyone gets too tired to talk and joke. Sometimes, Erwin wonders where do they all find the energy to do so. But at the same time it makes him proud of them. Being able to behave normally in such a world, knowing they could die every time they go outside the walls, is a useful and great trait. He almost envies them, sometimes. Erwin has passion and spirit too, just not for useless chats. He puts the same kind of enthusiasm they have for trivial topics in the fight against the titans and in his beliefs. Once he thinks about it, he has nothing to envy them for. Even though they might look light-hearted and happy? He knows that is just a way to hide the fear and anxiety. Another way to cope. 

And so Erwin watches them go, Mike and Hange leave the table too and he’s left alone. He hasn’t talked much, but they force him to eat with them more often than he’d like to think. Erwin likes his friends’ company, it’s not that. It’s that sometimes he just wants- needs to be alone. Like he would all those years ago as a child. It’s something that stayed with him, the calm and quiet of being alone. Something that he once would have hated, he now looks for. Solitude is good during the worst nights, the stressful ones. The moments when he just needs to think, away from the noise. Once he was invisible and didn’t like it, now, sometimes, he wishes for that. Being invisible would be much simpler when people expect things from you. 

Erwin doesn’t have a problem with that, he knows he can do it. He has to, no matter what. If people expect him to do something, he does it. And he doesn’t do it for them, for the others. No, he does it for himself. For his father. Because he will end up doing what he believes is right anyway, he just makes everyone else believe it’s right too. So then what they expect, becomes what he wants. Being invisible is a way to take a break, but he knows it’s wrong.

And Erwin doesn’t have a problem with that, until he has, because his mind drifts off and his thoughts land on a very delicate subject. Every time. Levi.

Erwin takes the last bite of his food and looks up casually, avoiding a coming yawn with one hand over his mouth. He can’t help it, he’s tired too. It’s when his eyes start wandering around without a real goal that he sees him, in a distant corner of the room. Levi is seated at one table alone, head down, playing with the food in his plate. Erwin wonders what the problem with the food is, if he doesn’t like it or if he just thinks someone might have poisoned it. Erwin would, at least, even though that’s really not the case. 

Levi has the face of someone who has had a very long day and can’t wait to go to sleep, finally. But now that Erwin thinks about it, he’s been looking like that since he got over there. It’s probably a natural look for him, bags under his eyes, messy hair and wary face. Despite that, Erwin can’t help but think there is so much more behind that annoyed expression. Something probably only he can see.

His eyes linger on Levi for quite a long time, until the other raises his head up too and their gazes meet. He must have noticed someone was staring at him, but Erwin doesn’t look away. He barely smiles, as he would with an acquaintance, as he would with any other soldier. Out of politeness and good manners, not so sure it’s what he should be doing. He hates this, being unsure of what to do. How to be behave. Levi came back into his life and now it’s chaos. He hasn’t felt this way since his old crush for Marie. Only this isn’t a crush, this is like having someone with his heart in their hands, ready to squeeze and break. Erwin isn’t even sure whose hands are those, his or Levi’s? Or maybe they are just the hands of fate, a cruel fate that enjoys seeing him suffer. But Erwin needs to concentrate on everything else. 

The titans, the expeditions, the arrogant politicians and his duties. The soldiers, their lives, their deaths. Concentrate on what’s important for humanity, not him.

Levi doesn’t smile back, but Erwin wasn’t expecting him to. Levi looks at him from afar, and then he goes back to his food. This time he doesn’t play with it, he eats quickly and once he’s done he gets up and leaves the room without looking back. Without exchanging any kind of last look with Erwin. Erwin sighs.

He needs to concentrate.

Eventually he gets up too, when there is no one else in the huge room and there isn’t a point in staying anymore. It’s the first time he does that, leaving after everyone else. Usually he’s the first one to go. Mike should be proud of him tonight, but Mike isn’t there and Erwin has three choices now. Going home to Marie, but it’s seriously too late, going to sleep in his quarters or going to his office to work some more. As he walks towards the exit door he decides the office is the best option. He knows he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. 

Turning around the corner on the way to his office, he catches a shadow moving fast in the dark. The light steps of someone running away, hiding. Erwin stops, for a moment, and looks for the shadow, but it’s gone. Like a spirit through a wall. He has no doubt he must have been Levi, but it’s not a problem. Levi was supposed to do that, looking for the documents. Spy on him. He sighs again and then he reaches for his office once and for all. He spends the night there, working on his new plan and trying to arrange something to say to the others to explain as well as possible. His eyes grow tired, eventually, and he decides to rest on the sofa for five minutes. 

Five minutes become four hours, he falls asleep. 

***

“This is ‘The Long Distance Scouting Formation’.” Erwin announces in front of other recruits, standing on the dais in the room for lessons. The soldiers are sitting down behind large desks spread around in front of him. They look down at Erwin and gasp in awe and curiosity as soon as he shows them the big map he’s come up in the last few weeks. 

“It’s quite extensive,” Erwin begins, raising his confident voice enough for everyone to hear him. “The difference from the existing form is that each squad will be arranged into divisions. The main purpose is to enhance our scouting ability.” 

He points at the board with a wooden stick and continues. “With soldiers spread out equally, there is a reliable range of vision in all directions. Our scouting ability and sphere of communication will be at their peak even as we advance.” Erwin explains with an invisible proud smile, sure of himself and his plan. The bright light of the morning makes his blue eyes look bigger, shining with spirit. He goes on, as the soldiers already start to look confused.

“By sharing the locations of titans as a unit-” His accentuates the last word. “We can avoid the possibility of direct contact as much as possible.”

He takes a weird looking gun from the table and raises his hand, showing it to the others. “Our primary method of communication will be to use these flare guns. Based on the color of the smoke round that is fired, we’ll be able to properly convey the situation at hand. It will, of course, come with some exceptions…”

He talks, and his eyes eventually fly over Levi, seated behind one of the desks at the side of the classroom. He looks passive but also like he’s actually paying attention. Erwin’s words leave him for a long second, as he stares, his heart speeding. Levi raises his black eyebrows, when he notices Erwin is not talking anymore. He crosses his arms on his chest and waits, until Erwin comes back and shakes his head. 

“Right, as I was saying-” Erwin looks away and focuses on the others who, too, have noticed something was wrong for a moment. “I believe the ones who will be using them the most are the front-row scouting units.” 

He goes on and, pacing back and forth on the stand, explaining how the whole plan is supposed to work. He has gone through this million of times in his head before: the unit that catches sight of a titan first will fire a red flare. The units in the immediate vicinity confirm the smoke color will then promptly set off a red flare signal of their own, continuing in turn until the message is relayed to the center. When the signal reaches the center, the command unit will fire a green flare signal in the direction in which they decide the entire unit should proceed. 

He talks and points at the several parts he’s referring to. When he turns around, once he’s finished, half the soldiers seem confused and the other half has already started talking to each other, smiling and nodding because, as Erwin knew already, it is a good plan. He knows how much faster it will be this way, instead of reporting a titan by running horses around. He lets the noise in the room raise slowly, as people exchange opinions around. He looks towards Levi, again, and notices the other man is staring at him too. He doesn’t know what to read in his eyes, is that mockery? Is it pride? It looks like the ghost of a smile has appeared on his face, but Erwin can’t know. 

Levi uncrosses his arms still staring at him, and stands up. The older man follows him with his gaze, as he paces towards the door. One hand grabs the handle, but before he can step out Erwin’s voice echoes in the room again. As he speaks, he looks directly into Levi’s silver eyes.

“Furthermore-” Levi loosens the grip on the handle, turns slightly and listens. “A black flare signal should be used in case of emergency.” He says, but he keeps looking at Levi.

“It would be best if there was no need for that one.” Levi stays still, Erwin has still something to say. “Every single one of your squad leaders will explain to you about your positions in details, I suppose you are all going to pay very close attention.” 

Silence falls, and Erwin has to stain his own theory. “However, there is no guarantee that we wouldn’t run into titans anyway. We will be outside the walls, no one knows what might happen there. I am aware some of the squad still have to work on their unity, but I’m also aware we have very talented people with us.” Of course, he’s only thinking of one person as he speaks those last words. People nods around the room and someone says something Erwin doesn’t hear.

Levi stares a second too long, dare and confrontation on his face. He opens the door and leaves. Erwin sighs, again. 

That someone who has been trying to catch his attention, finally snaps him out of his painfully confusing daydreaming. The soldier asks him about some details, what if the guns don’t work? What if it rains? What if the wind sweep the smoke away? Erwin nods and listens and replies as best as he can, as honestly as he can. What the soldier is asking is true, he can’t know what would happen then but his plan is far better than all of the deaths they have been through lately. The soldier stops to think, nods, salutes, and leaves. Erwin rubs his hand over his face, hoping none of that will happen during the next expedition. 

His mind goes back to those days spent trying to convince Shadis of the long distance formation; he remembers how many times Shadis said no, that he could do it once he was commander. But Shadis didn’t have much of a choice, not after the last expedition. People, politicians and the other soldiers too were all angry at him for the numbers of deaths. Because he couldn’t keep it together. Erwin remembers his face the moment he agreed, even though it was obvious he didn’t want to. The only exception was that Erwin would have led the expedition. Erwin was fine with it.

It’s his job, he has to be fine with it. Besides, no matter how things between he and Shadis might have gotten better in the last few days, he still has problems trusting his ability as a leader. He has been a great one, once, but it was obvious that stress was eating him alive. And Erwin understands, he truly does, that’s why he’s willing to take the lead without any problems. He knows that will also bring him more respect from the other soldiers, from the important people who run things too. Erwin is not trying to get a promotion, or to become commander, but he sure wouldn’t say no to it. Being a grade upper in the military rank means being able to have more power over big decisions, important decisions regarding the safety of all of them. Regarding their freedom. Erwin would never say no to it.

The room clears out after a while, and Erwin is the last one there trying to tidy all of his papers, maps and notes up. While he does so, he thinks about the importance of what he has just introduced to the Survey Corps. It could be an important turning point in their history, it could be... could be-

No matter how proud, satisfied and positive Erwin is trying to be, Levi’s face flashes in front of his eyes and he just can’t stop thinking about it. Will Levi be an important turning point in the history of the Survey Corps too? Will he betray him, leave forever, or fight with them once this whole thing is over? Erwin looks up and into the void, trying to figure out what Levi’s face meant just a few minutes before. He frowns and shakes his head, it’s pointless. He can’t understand him, not yet, not again. 

“Oi, Erwin?” Erwin turns around in a surprised jerk, he sighs when he sees it’s only Mike. He hasn’t even noticed he was still there with him. Maybe he’s just come back, Erwin really doesn’t know.

“Mike,” He says, running a hand through his blond hair. “what is it?”

“You okay?” Mike asks, like he has several other times the last few days. Erwin nods, he knows he looks tired, but he doesn’t want to make him worry. Mike does anyway. 

“Mh.” Erwin turns around again and starts reorganizing his stuff again, when a light pat on his shoulder stops him. 

“Erwin, you can clean this off later.”

“But-” Erwin turns and faces his friend, who’s smiling fondly at him. 

“No buts. Join me and the others for lunch.” 

_ Again?  _ Erwin thinks, remembering the evening before. “Mike, I would really like to just eat in my office and work some more.” 

“Oh, no way. You have been working all night long, and don’t even try to deny it. Come on, it will only do you some good.” Erwin looks sideways, wondering if that’s true. Levi will be there. He sighs and shrugs.

“Sure, why not?” Mike stops for a moment, his mouth slightly open and his eyebrows raised up behind his long hair. 

“What? Seriously, that easily?” He chuckles it off as Erwin starts walking forward the dining hall. He doesn’t answer him, but Mike follows happily. 

People think Mike is just like him, if not more serious, but the truth is that he hasn’t changed much since they were simple teenagers. Mike isn’t a sad, gloomy man. Yes, maybe he doesn’t talk that much to people he doesn’t know and he’s not exactly extroverted but he’s always been a good friend, someone to confide in. And if there is something Erwin likes about him, it’s his sense of humor and strange lightness, even though they wouldn’t match with Erwin’s personality. Which didn’t make of him a bad soldier at all, if not it made him better at it. Because when Mike would focus, leaving everything else aside, his best skills would come out. 

“Mike.” Erwin says, all of a sudden.

“What?” Mike replies, with a hint of a smile still in his voice.

“I still haven’t got the chance to ask you what do you think about the new formation?” 

“Do you really have to ask?” Erwin, then, smiles too. No he doesn’t. “I think it’s clever, but I’m not really surprised about that. It has his weaknesses, but it’s better than whatever the others have ever come up with. Erwin, you are the same smart guy as always you don’t need my approval.”

“But I need your support.” 

“You have it.” Mike is the loyalest friend Erwin could ever hope for. 

It doesn’t take them long to arrive at the dining hall. People are already gathering there, and for once Erwin doesn’t feel caged in among them. Not now that Mike is by his side and has his back. They go fetch some food and then they sit down with the others, as all the soldiers take their place too. The day is a good one, Erwin’s new plan has raised the recruits’ moral, they have a new reason to hope now. Less chance to die outside, that’s great. Erwin is glad too. He hears people laughing and talking out loud, boys checking out girls and girls having none of that and hitting them on the head playfully. It makes Erwin smile, as he remembers his own old days as a young recruit. 

“Where’s Hange?” Nanaba, seated next to Mike, asks. Erwin turns towards her and frowns, he was wondering the same thing. Usually she’s the first one to greet them there. 

“Ah! I’m so so glad we could finally get to talk!” It’s loud, and it’s sudden and the voice is so full of energy that it doesn’t take any time at all for Mike, Erwin and Nanaba to turn around. The answer to their question right in front of their eyes, a few feet and tables away. It’s Hange, particularly happy and enthusiastic, in front of a smaller man. Black hair, sharp eyes, pale skin- It’s Levi. 

“Oh, no.” Mike says in a whisper, and Erwin can’t help but silently agree with him. He sighs deeply. 

They don’t hear Levi’s reply, or the rest of their conversation. The last thing they know is how Hange’s laughter fill the entire hall as soon as Levi storms away from her. She stands there with her hands on her sides for a moment, before turning around in a lively jump and walking towards their table. 

“Hello there, friends” She says loudly sitting down with them. They all look up at her and follow her movements until she’s still and calm. She places her plate on the table, but doesn’t eat anything. Instead, she just looks into the void with dreamy eyes. 

“Hange? Is everything alright?” It’s Nanaba who asks her first. 

“Oh? Yes! Sure!” Hange replies after several silent moments. Mike and Erwin quickly glance at each other, Mike frowns. 

“So, what happened there?” Mike asks, even though Erwin really didn’t want to know. The less he thinks about Levi, the better. He even looked away just a few seconds before, to avoid seeing his face again. He wonders if this will ever stop. Probably not, if he keeps feeling this way.

“I had a simple chat with Wraith!” She says, a bit too loud. Mike is the first to shut her up.

“Shh! Keep your voice down, no one is supposed to know!”

“But why? That is so interesting! Don’t you think so too, Erwin?” She says looking at him behind the glasses, eyes sparkling with curiosity. Challenge, too. Of course, Erwin finds him interesting but the reasons are, well- a bit different.

“You, as everyone else, aren’t supposed to know about this. Who told you?”

“Mh?” Hange asks in a noisy hum. “What do you mean who told me?” 

“I think he means exactly that.” Mike interrupts her, teaming up with Erwin. Mike is worried about her knowing too, but they all know she can keep her mouth shut when it matters. She, among the soldiers, is another one of the few people Erwin really trusts. It’s funny, if he thinks about it, the number of people he trusts these days are exactly the same as he did once. Mike, Hange, Nanaba and Marie. The same as Levi, Farlan, Isabel and his dad. Except everything is different, and he wishes he could trust Levi again. He can’t, not yet.

“He did, silly!” She blurts the words, before taking a big bite of her sandwich.

“What?” Erwin asks, suddenly his body stiffens. It’s no good news if Levi is going around saying that. Why would he? He frowns and his expression darkens, until Hange swallows her food and talks again. 

“Oh, relax! He won’t say a living soul trust me.” She reassures them, tries to.

“How do you know that?” Mike snaps, not so happy anymore.

“Because I was the one who implied it.”

“Not enough, that could be anyone.” 

“True, but no one else is willing to do all day every day.” 

“What did you say?” Mike is slowly giving up, he sighs so deeply Erwin thinks he’s going to dissolve into thin air. 

“I’ve been asking him if it was him since he arrived here. Well, I did wait a good half an hour before that.” Erwin rubs his eyes, praying for Levi to stay no matter how much Hange might have annoyed him. He knows how she is, and he knows Levi is not the exact portrait of patience. He feels sorry for him, but he also can’t help but find this all a bit amusing. If it wasn’t for the vital information that couldn’t possibly be spread.

“But before- You said it was great to finally get to talk to him. Wasn’t this the first time?” Nanaba asks, confused. 

“Oh, yeah. First time he actually answered me and said a word. He has a very nice voice.” She hums and eats another bite. Well, Erwin can’t really disagree there. Mike rolls his eyes and shakes his head. 

“So what? He just admitted that it was him?” Nanaba continues with the questions. 

“Yep.” 

“When?”

“Mmmh, just before getting here I think.” Hange says with a small smile. 

“So what else did you say? Why were you laughing so hard?” Nanaba frowns and Hange’s face lightens up like the sun itself at the memory of her last conversation with Levi.

“Ah, that!” She giggles, before explaining. “He just told me to, and I quote, fuck off or else he would take my glasses off my face and stab my eyes with them.” She says, as she moves her dark-red hair out of her face. Mike sighs and Erwin rubs his eyes again with a tired hand. He can’t believe her. He can’t believe both of them, actually. 

“Such a nice guy…” Nanaba says, slightly worried. 

“Oh, but he is! No one has ever been more honest to me about wanting me to leave like he has. I call that being nice.” She says sounding like she was proud of him. Oh god, she probably is. 

“What did you even say to him to let him go so far?” Mike asks resigned.

“I asked him if, maybe, he and Erwin knew each other. If there was something between them that we don’t know already, you know.” She says with the biggest, most cunning grin. She turns to Erwin to stare at him and his head snaps up, his hand falling on the table and his thick eyebrows frowning in ridiculous despair and confusion.  _ What? How can she know?  _ Erwin can’t panic now. Only Mike knows, only Mike. And it must remain that way.

“Why would you ask that?” Mike says, intervening in Erwin’s place.

“Well they keep looking at each other in a weird way! I can’t be the only one who thinks so.” 

“You are.” Nanaba scoffs, and both Mike and Erwin are very grateful for it. She, definitely, doesn’t know and she’s their only hope for Hange to be convinced that Erwin has nothing to do with Levi and vice versa. But Erwin is curious, and he wants to know.

“Why? How does he look at me?” He says, and Mike almost punches him under the table for it.

“Like someone who doesn’t want to forget about something you might have done.” She says, suddenly serious. It’s one of those times when she becomes serious and it’s almost scary. But then her expression relaxes and she cracks another smile for Erwin. 

“But you know how my imagination works! It never stops.” She laughs it away, finishes her food fast and stands up. “Well people, I’m afraid this will be all for today. I have to go back to my ‘crazy experiments’ or how you all call them.” She takes the first step away, until she turns around and looks at Erwin. Her eyes seem strangely affectionate. 

“You know, I really like him.” Erwin presses his lips together and nods. Maybe he should have just gone to eat in his office. He sighs, and Hange leaves.    
  


***

The new formation and the preparation for it keeps Erwin busy enough not to think about Levi for the rest of the day, not even at night. Because Erwin is so tired that, for once, he sleeps seven whole hours before waking up and getting to work again, after a quick run. He likes to run in the morning, especially when he knows his day is going to be more stressful and full than usual. It clears his mind, it helps him. If he runs he gets tired, if he gets tired he has to focus on his body, if he does that he doesn’t think of Levi. Everything he does these days is trying to find ways not to think about him. Not the way his brain is leading him to. 

He should be thinking about Levi as the enemy he is, as the weapon he will be. As the great new asset he hired to kill titans and bring humanity to victory. What he shouldn’t be thinking about is his past, their past. He shouldn’t be thinking about Hange’s words. How Levi looks at him. How he looks at Levi, because he knows there is no reason to lie to himself too. Erwin has been looking at him a lot, but it makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s still so weird to have him there as a complete stranger. That’s not what they are. Were.

They are strangers, Erwin realizes as soon as he stops running and he bends, panting, over his knees. They have never been more distant and Erwin has no right over him, he can’t ask anything of him if not to do his job. He wonders when will Levi try and makes a move, for now he’s just been quiet and alone. He wonders if that will continue to be. It’s too good to be true.

The truth is he can’t keep looking at Levi the way he does, he can’t keep thinking about him like that. He can’t because the other soldiers would notice there is something wrong, and Erwin has to keep his image clean. He must look like an example to everyone else, he must be an example. He can’t be a man with worries and feelings and doubts, not around them. Sometimes, he can’t be that not even around Mike and the others. Sometimes, he can’t be that around himself too. 

He straightens up and sweat slides from his forehead to his neck. The days are cold, but the early sun kisses him with warm light as he stands in the middle of the outside camp and stretches his arms and legs. Blonde long eyelashes shade the blue of his bright blue eyes, as he looks ahead and enjoys the peace of the morning. A cold breath of wind ruffles his damp hair and he shivers. The sun is gentle but the air is not. 

There’s no one outside yet, the sun has just raised and it’s tradition that a few days before expeditions the soldiers could sleep more. They need the rest, even though training’s efforts double during those days too. There is no one there, except for someone on the other side of the field. It doesn’t take much for Erwin to recognize who that is, it’s Levi. As if he needed to see him now. Despite that, it’s still nice to see him. And he doesn’t even know why he feels like smiling when the other nods at him from afar, after he catches him staring (again). Levi starts running too and Erwin shakes his head, he goes inside. 

He’s happy to see Levi training too. He’s probably doing it so soon to avoid the others, but still. Nice to know he’s trying, even if he’s still faking. He has no doubt believing Levi wouldn’t even need any kind of working out or practice. It’s true, though, he still has to see him take down a titan. His bet on him is still unsure. 

It’s only been a couple of days, he can wait. He’ll see during practice. Not today, though, today Erwin is still busy with the plans for the expedition and he doesn’t have the time to pay attention to Levi. Good, better. The less he thinks about him, the better. 

That’s why after taking a quick precious shower Erwin calls Mike in his office. 

“Yes?” Mike says, after a quick knock, entering the room. Erwin raises his head and greets him.

“Ah, I had a… small job for you.” Mike doesn’t ask, he smells the air deeply and looks at Erwin after. 

“This is about Levi, isn’t it?” Erwin smirks weakly.

“Indeed it is. I need you to keep an eye on him for today. I want to know what he does, or doesn’t do during the day.” 

“Ah, finally. I was wondering when you might decide to do something about him.” He raises his eyebrows and presses his lips together, confused, before replying.

“We aren’t doing anything about him. I just want you to watch him for a while.” There is a tense pause. “Mike, this is an order, not just a friendly favour.” 

“Sure. I mean, yes. I will do as you ask.” He salutes and leaves, just like that. Erwin knows he has probably annoyed him, but he also knows Mike will do his job. He needs him to.     
  


***

The next morning Erwin does the same exact thing. He wakes up, goes for a morning run -Levi is there, again, but this time it looks like he hasn’t seen him- and then he closes himself in his office to work. It’s another peaceful day, even though Erwin’s isn’t exactly the same. They are having problems with funds for the expeditions, again, but this time it isn’t Lobov’s fault. Or if it is, they still can’t do anything about it. Marie’s father isn’t enough to give them a free go, so they have to wait. In the meantime Erwin can study his plans better, trying to fix every missing mistake. It’s not hard, but it takes time. He reviews the new formation in his head hundreds of times until the sun is already high in the sky, the other soldiers have already started practice in the yard below and- 

Suddenly the usual background noise Erwin is supposed to hear from afar gets louder. Someone screams, others cheer with loud enthusiastic yells. Some voices sound happy, others angry, others worried. Erwin frowns and gets up, as the chaos reaches him harder than before. He stands by the window and opens it, to get a better view. Fresh air fills his lungs, but that’s not what hits him the most. 

There are recruits gathered in a crowded circle, and in the middle of it someone is fighting. No, better say that there is a man bent over another boy, punching him to death. Erwin narrows his eyes, trying to figure out who it is. 

“Ah.” He sighs in the silence of his office. Of course, it’s Levi. Erwin knows he should go down there and stop the fight, but something in his body has stopped working and he can’t move. Just stare. He raises his eyebrows slowly, as he watches Levi hurting the other boy without holding back. He’s really going to kill him at this rate. But no one does anything, not even the other boys, even though all Erwin can hear are shouts in favor of the boy on the ground. Not Levi. He guesses they are all there for the fight, scared to help the soldier because they have seen how strong Levi is. That’s not what Erwin wanted. 

It’s not too hard to see Levi’s face from where Erwin stand. Levi looks angry, furious, almost as he did a few days before when he first saw him. Erwin wonders what happened, but before he can someone else is running through the field towards the fight. 

“Stop!” It’s Mike. He shouts at Levi and the other, even if he’s probably lost consciousness already. Even Erwin can hear him clear enough, and he still doesn’t move.

“I said stop!” Mike shouts again and grabs Levi with a strong jerk, making him stumble down and fall on the ground. Mike stands there, lungs full of anger, looking down at Levi. Then Erwin sees him turn his head and two girls from the crowd bend over the other soldier. Mike must have told them to take care of him. They pick him up, helped by another two boys and leave, possibly for the infirmary. The other soldiers don’t go away, everyone is curious to see what Mike is going to do to Levi. In full honesty, Erwin is curious too. 

His eyes fall on Levi, and he sees him scratching at the ground with his nails, trying to keep himself still. He’s trying, poorly maybe, to calm himself down. He doesn’t get up, though, which is weird considered how Erwin guessed Levi would hate to being look down upon. But there is something else going on with him, his hands, arms, are shaking too. Erwin can’t see his eyes, hidden by the long black hair and as his face bends down, but he bets they look exactly like he knows they would look like. Wild, red, burning. He hopes Mike won’t do anything stupid, in that case he would intervene. 

But Mike doesn’t, even though his expression tells the contrary. Erwin sees his mouth move, he can’t hear but Levi stiffens and then his body relaxes. Surprisingly enough, Mike helps Levi get off the ground. Not gently, though. Levi takes a unbalanced step forward, before standing next to Mike. 

Mike, who is now looking up at Erwin’s window. They share a long look, Mike looking at him with impatient confusion in his eyes. Erwin’s face is empty, though, his eyes don’t tell anything to the other man. Levi notices Mike looking somewhere else, and he glances up too. Towards Erwin.

Erwin’s chest tightens when their eyes meet. Levi looks just as empty, just as angry as Mike, with some fresh blood spread under his nose. Levi also looks as if he was ashamed, but proud. Erwin might be imagining that, but as he frowns down at the two men, he hopes Levi didn’t do this on purpose just to get his attention. Why would he want that, anyway? Or was it a way to distract them from his real purpose there? Probably the latter. 

Erwin’s stare lingers for a few more seconds, Mike shakes his head and finally he and Levi look away. Erwin closes the window, and sits down again. He knows what this means, Mike is going to enter his room furiously and have a talk with him in a few minutes. A serious one. But what is Levi going to do now? Why was he fighting? Where did all that anger come from, all of a sudden? Other questions Erwin doesn’t know the answer to, and he can’t figure it out. 

As Erwin predicted, Mike steps in into his office after some silent time. He doesn’t knock, doesn’t salute or doesn’t say hello politely. He storms in and Erwin looks up, putting a pen he wasn’t using down and raising his eyebrows. He waits for Mike to start talking, because that’s how it’s supposed to go.

“This-” Mike starts, pacing towards Erwin’s desk and punching it once with strength. Erwin remains still, blinking twice for the sudden noise. Mike, head bent down, looks up at him and Erwin notices how heavily he’s breathing. 

“Have you seen what he did to that kid?” Mike says, his voice loud and clear and outraged. Erwin crosses his hands on the table and straightens his back up. 

“I have, yes.” 

“And you have nothing to say about it?” 

“Why? What should I say?” It’s true, even if Erwin said anything, it wouldn’t matter. The damage was already done. 

“Well, I don’t know! He could have killed him, Erwin. Doesn’t that worry you?” 

“Of course it does, but we can’t do much about it now.” 

Mike scoffs, annoyed, rolling his eyes. “We can’t? Are you serious?” A small pause fills the silence between them like the calm before the storm. 

“How long had you been watching?” Mike asks, narrowing his eyes. 

“Since the others started screaming around them. But I guess it had already started before that, considering the boy’s conditions.” Erwin replies simply. Mike’s eyes widen in exasperated surprise. 

“And you didn’t think you should have come down and stop them?” 

“Even if I did, you would have arrived sooner. Or someone else would have, there was nothing I could do about it.”

“Why-” Mike rubs his eyes and runs a slightly shaking hand through his hair. “Why does it sound like you’re going to defend Levi in this?” 

“I’m not.” Erwin wonders if he’s telling the truth, he doesn’t know.

“I sure hope so, because I don’t know-” Mike stops, Erwin looks at him from the desk. “We shouldn’t have done this. We shouldn’t have let him into the Survey Corps.” 

Erwin lifts his chin and frowns. “What other choice did we have?” 

“Oh,” Mike starts with an empty, exhausted laughter. “that’s easy. We could have got him that night. We could have let him rot in prison when we put him in the cell the first night. We could have avoided all of this, just like that. And we could have found the proof for Lobov’s guilt somewhere else. And you know it, too.” 

“No, Mike. You’re wrong.” 

“Am I?” 

“We might have dealt with Lobov differently, yes. But letting Levi into the Corps isn’t a wrong decision. We need him.” 

“You mean you need him.” Mike snaps, without realizing what he’s just said. 

“No. I mean  _ we  _ need him. We can use him, and I am more than willing to take a risk or two if that means acquiring such a great weapon.” Erwin is starting to sound wrong, too. But he knows how to calm himself down. He takes a deep breath, and exhales, giving Mike the time to think of answer.

“A risk or two? Erwin, shall I remind you that he wants to kill you? He put one of our soldier in danger already. What if he’s not stopping there? What if, the first time we go on a mission outside the walls, he puts all of us in danger? Not answering orders, getting us all killed. Haven’t you thought about that at all? Because I sure did. Especially after today.” Mike’s cheeks flush, but the volume of his voice is starting to sound normal again.

“I know that, Mike. But that is what taking a risk means.” Erwin stops to think. “And he won’t.”    


“He won’t what?” 

“He won’t do anything to put us all in danger outside the walls. Trust me.” Erwin says confident, looking up at the other tall man. 

“Erwin, we don’t even know if he can actually kill titans. How do you know he won’t put us in danger? You keep telling me to trust you, and I do, Erwin. I really do. But I don’t trust him. And I have no idea how you’re able to do that.” 

“I don’t.” Erwin says, and this time it’s the truth. He would love to, but how could he after all he’s done to him? It’s obvious he can’t trust someone who looks like they want to kill him at any given moment. 

“Then why are you doing this?” Mike breathes under his breath. Erwin asks another question. 

“What happened before? Why did the fight start?” 

“I’m not sure. When I asked the other kids around they told me the other boy provoked him somehow. Said something about his past as a criminal and then Levi just snapped, and he started to hit him.”

“Mh. It makes sense.” 

“You know, Erwin. I don’t think this was just an accident. I think this is going to happen again, and again and again.”

“You can’t know that.” Erwin replies out of instinct. 

“There you go again, defending him somehow. Listen, you do realize he’s your responsibility?” Erwin presses his lips together. 

“But he isn’t.”

“How so?” 

“He’s Darlett’s responsibility for now. His behaviour has nothing to do with me.” 

“Oh, yes, sure. But what about the time he will go too far and not even Darlett will be that patience with him? You’re the one who brought him here, Lobov or not. He’s going to be your responsibility. He’s going to ruin everything you have worked so hard for.” 

“When that happens, I will think of something.” Erwin says, not surely convinced Mike is wrong. Levi will become a problem soon enough, and what if he won’t be able to handle it? But he has to. 

“You should talk to him.” Mike suggests, anger has left him now. He’s only tired and worried.

“I don’t think he wants that.”

“It’s not like I really care, he needs to know that what he’s done today can’t happen again. And you, somehow, are the only one he listens to.” 

“Am I?”

“Well, he sure won’t listen to me or Shadis. Or Darlett. You’re the one supposed to do this.”

“I’ll try then.” 

Mike sighs deeply and shakes his head. “I hope so.” He says, pacing towards the door. Before going out, he turns around towards Erwin and speaks again. 

“You know, you should get him a haircut or something.” 

“Mh?” Erwin frowns, confused. “What does it matter how he looks?” 

“It doesn’t to me, but it might be better for the others if he looks… more normal.”

“Shadis told you that, didn’t he?” Erwin asks, raising one suspicious eyebrow.

“No, yes. Yes, he did, but he’s not wrong.” 

“Okay, then. I will try and fix that too.” Erwin says, taking his pen up and bending his head down. As to say he’s done with the conversation, but Mike catches his attention one last time. 

“Erwin-” 

“Yes?” 

“You know we’re all worried about you, right? Me, Hange and Nanaba. You work so much and now this, death by titans isn’t the only thing that could kill you. Be careful, okay?” Erwin can’t help but smile a little. His friend’s eyes look at him with concerned care, and Erwin knows he’s lucky. Even though there is not a day that passes when he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. 

“I will. Thank you, Mike.” Mike nods and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. 

Erwin remains alone, he doesn’t feel like working anymore. He stands up and goes standing by the window again. He looks down and watches another round of recruits practicing outside in the winter sun. He wonders if he’ll be able to keep them safe, wonders how many risks he can actually take. But there is something in Erwin that tells him he’s doing the right thing, trusting his instincts. 

What’s the worst that could happen? He could die, yes. But Erwin doesn’t care, not as long as he knows he’s doing everything he can for humanity’s sake.

***

Erwin spends the rest of the day alone, either in his office or his quarters. He works and he keeps himself busy and he just can’t stop thinking about Levi. What he should tell him, when, how. Erwin is a sure man, confident and proud. He’s an excellent speaker, when it comes to big speeches and important words. But suddenly he feels the complete opposite of it. He hates it. 

That’s why, when evening comes, Erwin decides it’s finally time to talk to Levi. To face his responsibilities. He takes a deep breath, fixes his clothes and heads towards the recruits’ dorms. 

It’s quite late and there aren’t a lot of soldiers around, but Levi isn’t there too. Erwin walks outside too, to see if he might be there. He’s not. 

Maybe that wasn’t the perfect moment to talk to him, he thinks. He’s about to go back to his room when, just outside the the yard’s entrance doors, he sees him. It’s dark and it’s hard to see, but he recognizes him immediately. He could recognize him anywhere by now. His thin small figure stands out in the dark shadows.  

“Levi.” Erwin talks, slowly pacing towards him. He stops in front of him, and the other turns around in a sharp jerk. Almost startled by Erwin’s voice. He raises his chin up and narrows his grey eyes, they look dry. 

“What?” He hisses in a fast bite. Erwin’s expression remains the usual, empty but kind. That’s not what he’s feeling inside, though.

“Do you care to join me for a walk?” He simply asks, keeping his voice down, but loud enough to make himself clear to the smaller man. 

“Why?” Levi knows why, Erwin is sure. But if he wants to play this game, then Erwin will let him. He gives him a furtive smile, as his eyes widen ever so slightly. 

“Well, I thought we might talk.” 

“What if I don’t want to talk?” Levi snaps back, looking at him like he really means it. It’s written all over his face, that he doesn’t want to talk to him. Or anyone else, for that day. But Erwin has promised himself, and Mike, that he would. He keeps vaguely smirking down at him.

“I imagine you understand why I might want to talk. I don’t think you can choose.” 

Levi looks tired, exhausted, his eyes roll and he gives in. Surprisingly fast. “Fine, whatever.” 

“Good.” Erwin says, and then he starts walking ahead entering the building. Levi follows him, as he already did the other day. Erwin passes by the soldiers barracks, the dining hall. He heads for the stairs and they both find themselves at the upper floor. The sound of their steps resounds in the corridors, echoing in the silence of the calm night. It’s almost comforting. When Erwin passes by his office too, Levi, who was rigidly walking behind him, reaches Erwin’s side. He turns his head and looks up at him, with a deep frown between his eyebrows. 

“Um, sir?” Levi says, his voice would sound sarcastic even from miles away. Erwin, again, notices how weird is that. That every time Levi has to call him, he doesn’t use his name. It almost bothers him, hurts him, but instead of bringing the subject up to Levi, he stops. He doesn’t turn around, though. 

“Yes, Levi?” He replies, fully aware of Levi’s name on his lips. Again. There is a quiet, short silence until Erwin starts walking again and Levi follows him after a few seconds. 

“I thought we were going to talk. Not that I’m not fine with this, but I don’t want to stay awake for nothing. Besides, when you say you want to talk you usually mean it.” Erwin silently, without letting Levi see, gaps under his breath. 

That is probably the most Levi has talked during the last few days. It’s like when he was younger all over again, getting excited for the numbers of words Levi would say. Being proud of him for it, only this time Levi knows how to talk by himself and he doesn’t need his help. This time there is no reason to be surprised. Still, Erwin likes hearing his voice. It’s not a good sign, but he already knew that. 

“Why would you say that?” Erwin asks, thinking about Levi’s last comment. “We haven’t talked in-” He stops, his voice breaks off. He can’t go there, can’t bring memories up. This is not why he’s there. Curiosity kills him from the inside. 

Levi waits long enough to reply, and when he does he sounds distressed. “Nevermind.” He looks down, and they keep walking. Levi behind him once again. 

Just before reaching Erwin’s quarters, the blonde man decides to give the small talk another try. 

“I thought you might need a little bit of help with your appearance.” 

“A what?” Levi already sounds angry and confused, he sounds as if he really thought they were finally going to talk about their past. But they can’t, Erwin wishes they could but what good would come out of it? Not now. 

They stop, and Erwin opens the door in front of him. He steps in and looks down at Levi with another smile, this time kinder. 

“Where are we?” Levi asks, looking inside the dark space in front of him. Erwin guesses he still hasn’t got the chance to explore up to the Squad Leaders’ quarters. Or maybe he has, and he’s just playing dumb. Erwin doesn’t know. That’s why he told Mike to keep an eye on him, even though he still had to ask him a full report about it. 

“This is my room.” Erwin says, gesturing Levi to go inside. “Please, come in.” 

Levi looks at him, his eyes widen and his thin eyebrows raise up in real shock. He’s looking at Erwin like he’s completely crazy, like it’s all a bad joke and he can’t be serious. Why would he let him in his room? Levi is not dumb, he must know Erwin suspects something. But Erwin wants to take yet another risk. If Levi knows where his room is, he has a chance more to catch him in the act when the time will come. Besides, he has no other place to do what he’s gone up there to do. Levi’s expression relaxes, then. 

“So soon already?” He jokes, he asks. Erwin freezes, he blinks down at him.  _ What?  _

“Oh, take it easy. I was only joking.” Levi rolls his eyes and takes a few steps into the room. Erwin lets go the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Despite Levi’s words, he wonders if that’s something Levi is used to. Entering men’s room and- No, definitely, Erwin can’t think about that. Levi’s private life is none of his business. His criminal past? Yes. But this has nothing to do with it. Erwin has no reason to think about it, none. 

He hates that Levi has this effect on him. It makes him feel stupid, like he can’t be himself. But maybe that’s who he is. Maybe the way he behaves around Levi is who he’s always been. He shakes his head and doesn’t look at him. He clears his mind, takes a deep breath and returns to be the man he’s used to be. 

Fetching the single chair in the room, he heads for the bathroom. After he puts the chair down, near to the sink, he lights up a candle. It gives a sweet light to the small room that mixes up with the light of the night outside, and makes Erwin’s skin shine of a pale gold. Levi follows him.

“What are we really doing here? Did you want me to help you take a shit or something?” Levi says, and Erwin tilts his head to the side. 

As soon as he does that, and they both realize what he’s just done out of reflex, Erwin’s mouth open slightly. He straightens his head up, and Levi stares at him. Erwin can’t read him, can’t read his eyes. He tilted his head as they both used to do when they were children, and now he doesn’t know what to do. His lungs feel heavier, until Levi looks away. 

“Please-” Erwin clears his throat. “Sit down.” He tells him, pointing towards the chair. Levi’s eyes fly up to him again. 

“No I won’t.” 

“What are you, a child?” Wrong thing to say. “I just want to cut your hair and shave your beard. It’s very simple.” Levi furrows his brows and his mouth twists. 

“What the hell? Why?” 

“Well, you look like you have been through hell.” Erwin uses as a quick excuse. Sounds like a weird apology. 

“It’s because I look like a criminal… like an animal?” He says, burning Erwin with an offended look. 

“Levi, what happened today with the others?” Erwin asks, instead of replying to Levi’s doubts. 

Levi stays silent, he looks away and Erwin feels proud all over again. Because Levi is smart, and he knew already why Erwin wanted to do that. Because he knows the way he looks like affect other people. Erwin waits, until Levi glances up at him again. Erwin nods, answering him. Yes, it’s because of that. 

Levi, then, just scoffs and shrugs knowing well enough he can’t do anything about this anymore. He may as well get a change of looks out of this. Erwin studies him for a moment. 

“What first?” Levi frowns, stopping himself from tilting his head. “Beard or hair, I meant.” 

“Whatever is fine.” Levi snaps. 

“Let’s go with the hair.” It’s weird to be in this kind of situation with Levi. It both feels like the angry tension between them could cut the hardest stone, and like the most natural, domestic gesture ever. But Erwin is calm, for now. 

“It’s better if you get it wet first.” Erwin says. “Here, you can use the sink.” 

Levi doesn’t saying anything and does as he’s told. He bends over the sink and lets the water wet his long black hair. Erwin watches him as he does, simply waiting behind him. He starts looking for his razor, a comb, and a pair of scissors he knows he has somewhere in the bathroom. When he finds them and turns around he sees Levi is already sitting down on the chair. His back to Erwin.

“Are you ready?” Erwin asks, just to be sure. 

“It’s a goddamn haircut, not my first time. Just get on with it already, I don’t like being here.” 

“Right.” Erwin says, and suppresses a light giggle for the comment. How can he find it amusing, when all he knows is that Levi wants to kill him and all he remembers is killing his best friends? 

Without any warning Erwin starts combing Levi’s hair. Levi grunts at the first knots Erwin finds in his hair. Then, he gets used to it and when it finally looks like Erwin is done with it the older man takes it all in one hand and forms a vague ponytail with the other.  _ Say goodbye,  _ he internally jokes and cuts the biggest part of Levi’s hair in one secure cut. He lets it fall on the ground and proceeds with the haircut. 

Erwin is no expert, but he remembers the days when he used to cut Mike’s hair in the middle of the night just because they were bored. It’s insane to think about it now, but Erwin had always found it calming. Relaxing. It was practical, he liked how things changed after, how you had to wait patiently for the hair to grow back. It was like being given the chance to make a mistake without feeling too guilty about it. It grows back, it’s alright. Despite that, Erwin had become good at it. Levi’s lucky for that.

His hair is slightly dry already, and Erwin is quick to cut the rest of the sides and the back. It’s almost done already, it’s been fast and impersonal and- Erwin circles the chair and Levi looks up at him. 

“Well?” He asks impatiently.

“You look like a spoiled kid.” Erwin says, but it’s true. Levi raises his eyebrows and grimaces at the idea. 

“What are you even doing still standing there, then? Fix it.” He says and this time Erwin does giggle out loud. Levi is so demanding, but it’s just hair. He remembers this part of him, remembers the days Levi would complain and force him to read or to play, and it makes him stop smiling. He sighs, and gets back to work. An undercut will do.

Erwin puts a hand over Levi’s head and pushes it down, slowly, but with certainty. He hears Levi give out a small gasp as soon as he touches him. Erwin starts pulling part of the hair aside and up, to have full access to his nape and the part of the head near the ears. 

As he starts cutting the hair shorter, his hand stays over Levi’s head. It moves it gently, from one side to the other while he works. Erwin’s heart beats loud and clear, it stops and it goes too fast. He’s not sure whether he’s keeping his hand on Levi’s nape because of the haircut, or because that’s the first time he’s ever been able to touch him without fighting. He could talk, he could tell Levi what to do, where to to turn. But touching him feels like playing with fire and it burns like ice. He doesn’t want to withdraw his hand, like he hadn’t wanted for Levi to take his hand away the first time he had touched him in the forest, the first time he had scratched his cheek. Erwin takes a deep breath, steadying his hand. He keeps cutting where he has to. He stops, when he hears Levi’s breath quicken. 

“Is this fine?” He asks in a whisper that echoes in the silence of the room. 

“Yeah.” Levi replies after several seconds. His breath is calmer now. 

“I’m curious.” Erwin talks louder now, trying to let the weird feeling between them go away. 

“About what?” 

“Why are you letting me do this?” Erwin says and he thinks about how Levi has been trying to stay as far away from him as possible. Why is he letting him do such a personal thing, when it always seems like he wants to punch him in the face. Why now, why ever. They are not kids anymore, they are not friends. He has made it clear enough, and Erwin is confused. Still, he doesn’t stop working on Levi’s hair, he doesn’t take his hand away. If he’s not using it to move his head to the side, he gently places it over his thin shoulder. 

“You said I didn’t have a choice, so why bother? I’d rather have my hair cut by you than a fucking brat.” Levi spits, shivering once when Erwin’s hand presses down the back of his neck just enough to catch his attention.

“So you chose me.” 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I just think that a grown-up man like you probably knows how to do this better than some guy who wouldn’t hesitate to cut my throat open anyway.” Levi spits out, and his words are honest. Angry, too.

“Ah. Why would you say that?” 

“I thought you already got that I’m not exactly well seen, or liked. Or whatever, not like I care.”

“I did notice, yes. But I was hoping joining the Survey Corps would be more pleasant for you.” 

“Well, it’s not. What did you even expect?” 

Erwin stops cutting, and takes his hand off. Involuntarily, he assumes his usual soldier-like attitude. 

“I expect you to behave.” He’s serious, secure. He means it, because if Levi doesn’t it’s going to get worse for both of them. He feels Levi clicking his tongue and shaking his head, he knows he’d like to snap an offensive remark at him. But he doesn’t. He keeps his mouth shut because he knows he can’t go too far with Erwin, because there would be consequences no matter what Erwin might feel towards him from their past. 

After that they stay silent, and Erwin finishes shaving the back of his head slowly, carefully. The air between them gets heavier and Erwin’s chest feels like it does outside the walls, tense and wide awake. His fingers press against Levi’s skin again, and the silence turns into heavy breathing. Erwin has no idea what Levi is going through right now, but at the same time he wonders if he should stop. Maybe the whole situation wasn’t supposed to happen. Maybe he really should have left the job to someone else, anyone. This feels like the first time Levi squeezed his hand, only ten times worse. Mixed with guilt and hesitation and a feeling in the depth of his stomach he can’t quite figure out. 

He runs a hand through his head one last time, gets rid of the remaining hair and takes a step back. He’s done with it, but he doesn’t say it out loud. There is no need for that, and filling the silence right now would be too much. They need it, they couldn’t say anything else. Erwin couldn’t, even though his mind is racing with millions of questions and stories and all the things he wishes he could tell Levi. But he can’t.

When he goes around the chair, and he sees Levi, his heart stops. The younger man raises his chin up and Erwin’s eyes widen in the golden light. Levi’s grey eyes lighten up in the silver light of the moon striking him from the window. They stand in two different flames, one is cold and the other is warm. The glowing spread from the candle doesn’t reach Levi from where Erwin stands, and the room seems to divide them in half. As if to match the feeling in their hearts, because Levi’s anger wasn’t hot. It was freezing and lethal.  

But Levi’s cheeks look warmer now, as if the moon was a bright sun and had the power to color his skin. Erwin frowns slightly, and then it hits him. It isn’t because of the moon, or the candle light, that he looks like that. Levi is blushing, like he would have done all of those years ago. Memories come back and Erwin remembers how easily his friend’s face would flush pink and red at the slightest embarrassment. Breath breaks in Erwin’s throat and he wonders what he should do, say. Levi doesn’t make it any easier, too. He doesn’t stop staring right at Erwin and he can’t look away. It’s hard, so hard to look at him.

Levi’s skin might talk for him, but there is nothing else to read in his expression. Erwin has no idea where he learned to do that, but he manages not to show any emotions at all. Even if he had them, and Erwin is pretty sure he has, no one would know. But his eyes are sparkling and fighting to remain neutral. And Erwin realizes, he should be like Levi. He should be able to keep his feelings under control. It’s the hundredth time he’s telling himself that and every time it’s harder to obey his own order. 

Erwin clears his throat and nods slightly, as if to reassure Levi the hair doesn’t look bad. He turns around and prepares everything he needs to shave his face. Once he starts, after applying the soap over Levi’s cheeks, the razor feels so heavy in his hand he’s almost afraid he could drop it and hurt the other man. But he doesn’t want to hurt him, and the razor doesn’t fall. 

They face each other and Erwin bends over to pull Levi’s skin and try not to cut him. Levi’s head follows his hands again, and he lets him do his job. Erwin is careful and his hand is steady, but he can’t help but wondering what does this mean? Levi is trusting him with a very sharp blade near his throat, and he’s not saying anything. Despite their previous conversation, he could have said no. Erwin could have let him do that by himself, easily enough. But Levi hasn’t complained, while his cheeks are still pink and his face unreadable. Is this trust? Is this Levi trusting him like he did before, after all that time? But Erwin shakes his head ever so slightly when he turns away to wash the razor. No. It’s not trust, he surely can’t have such hopes. 

Erwin wishes it could be like that, he wishes he could see it in Levi’s eyes, but he doesn’t. He wishes he could gain his friendship back, but he doesn’t even deserve it. And it’s not why he’s there, or why Levi has showed up. Another thing he just has to keep reminding himself. It’s exhausting, that’s why Erwin prefers to stay alone most of the time. Caring is exhausting, even though he can’t help it. Even though he has to hide it all the time, anyway. For humanity. It sounds like a cursed mantra to him. One he believes in a bit too much. 

He keeps going, as Levi’s smooth skin shows up wipe after wipe. It looks so pale and so delicate, not as strong as Levi is. Erwin gets closer, trying to reach for the hardest spots, touching where he never dreamed Levi would let him touch. His neck, his jaw and his cheeks, in soft but confident brushes. It suddenly feels like time is stopping, but the pressure of it graves over them. The night feels weird, different, special almost. It’s like they are so distant yet so close, like being home again and suffocate. And when Erwin’s mind wanders too far off his hand slips. 

Levi hisses and his fists grasp the chair quickly, his knuckles turning white when Erwin quickly cleans the superficial wound. He frowns in an apology and Levi’s head turns redder. His eyes narrow and slide away as soon as they lock with Erwin’s. Erwin can see his heart beating hard from a thin vein throbbing in his white neck. He almost sighs in relief, knowing he’s not the only one who’s feeling something. If only he could talk to him… if only they could be friends again without going through attempted murder and lies. But lying has become the thing Erwin knows how to do better, it’s inevitable.

Eventually Erwin finishes and he steps back, feeling empty as soon as Levi’s clear smell leaves his lungs. He looks at him, and he fully sees the person he once knew. With his hair neatly cut and his beard gone, Levi truly looks like a boy. Like a child, almost. He looked young before too, and it’s true that the hair has always been the same even when they were children, but now his face is clean and perfect. Erwin stares, with his lips slightly parted and his breath taken away for reasons he doesn’t know. For a logic he can’t grasp.

Erwin remembers so clearly how it had felt the first time his eyes had rested over Levi. He remembers thinking he was so lucky, that it was all some kind of unknown privilege to be alone with him. Erwin still doesn’t know much about beauty, trusting instincts only when it comes to it, but if there is one thing he knows it’s that Levi looks as beautiful as ever. And it’s shocking and it’s cruel like it was back then, and even though Erwin isn’t the same innocent kid anymore that’s what Levi makes him feel like. Levi is beautiful and it feels more like a threat in a nightmare than a promise in a sweet dream. 

Levi narrows his eyes, and snaps his head to the side, obviously annoyed by the staring now. The moment is gone and time starts again, the original tension between them comes back and it’s not about touches and silence anymore. Levi stands up and looks down, while Erwin clears his throat and comes back to real life.

“Would you like to see yourself?” He asks, his voice low and unsure. The moment he says that he remembers, though, the effect mirrors had on Levi. Levi turns around and scratches the back of his head, going through the short hair just once. Erwin’s not able to look at him in the face as he speaks. 

“No. Whatever, it’s fine.” He snaps but his voice slightly trembles. His hands scratches harder on his skin. 

“Well, if you want my opinion, you look fine.” Erwin tries to ease the situation, poorly. 

“Tch, I don’t care about your opinion. I never did anyway.” He says and it’s angry and resentful and it makes Erwin remember once again all that he’s done. It hurts, and if Levi had felt close before now it’s all gone. Erwin can’t go back in time and fix everything he’s ever done wrong. It’s not how it works and he’s almost grateful for Levi to be there to remind him of that. Once you make a mistake, you can’t go back. He’s learned that the hard way, but it has been useful and he can’t deny it. 

Once they step out of the bathroom Erwin notices how Levi keeps scratching his neck. Like he kept doing the single night in the cell. He stops by the closet and takes something out of it, while Levi waits and looks around the room. Pretending he’s just looking because he has nothing else better to do, but Erwin knows that’s not the case.  

“Here, take this.” Erwin says and Levi turns around, pacing towards him. 

Erwin hands him a white piece of clothing, and Levi takes it without second thoughts. He looks at it and frowns. 

“What is this?” 

“It’s a cravat.” Erwin says. “You put it around your neck-” 

“I know that.” Levi snaps offended, squeezing slightly into the tie. “Why the hell would I need one?” 

Erwin takes it away from his hands and steps forward. He moves it past Levi’s head and the smaller man startles, grasping at Erwin’s wrists out of reflex. His breath quickens, but when Erwin looks down at him with kind, patient eyes he seems to calm down. He takes his hands away, which makes Erwin feel cold and empty, and waits. 

Erwin ties the cravat around his neck, brushing his long fingers against Levi’s skin once again. It doesn’t take him any time at all and before they both know it, they step away from each other and Levi looks at him weird and confused. Tilting his head. 

“Maybe this will help you.” 

“Help me with what?” Levi asks annoyed. 

“With the itching. I hope the fabric is soft enough, I wouldn’t want to worsen it.” Erwin explains, and it all sounds so normal in his head. He hopes he’s not going too far, even though he wouldn’t know how, or why. 

Levi only rolls his eyes, he doesn’t say anything. But he keeps the cravat on, and his hand doesn’t fly up to scratch at his neck anymore. Erwin is glad for that. 

Levi paces towards the door and before stepping out of the room, he turns around. 

“Thank you for showing me your room.” He says, and Erwin narrows his eyes and after several seconds spent thinking about what Levi means, he smirks because he does know what Levi means. Maybe it’s been a mistake, but he can take the risk. He can take the challenge. He appreciates it more than it should, Levi being smart and having to keep up with him. But Erwin is a step ahead of him, because there are still things Levi doesn’t know. 

It might be cheating, or it might be cruel, but a spark fires up in him and the tension feels almost good for a moment. 

Levi leaves with a quick nod of his head and no more words, and Erwin is alone. He’s never been more alone, like half of him was suddenly missing.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, YOOO I really don't have any idea how cutting hair works, really, I just... I just went with it ahaha I'm so sorry if there is someone who reads this who's like "what is she talking about???" but hey anyway that wasn't the main point here
> 
> p.s. here too, because next chapter is going to be HUGE, and I mean like suuuuper long, very long I'm already warning you :3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyy so here's the new loooong chapter! I hope you're all going to like it! :D 
> 
> warnings at the end!
> 
> p.s. I feel like the more I go on, the more I could go out of character and please forgive me if that's the case ç_ç

When Erwin sleeps, the night right after having Levi in his room, he dreams. It’s not something he’s expecting because dreams are rare these days, but Levi wakes his mind up and, as soon as he closes his eyes and darkness reaches him, Erwin’s subconscious wanders with imagination. It’s nothing Erwin hasn’t dreamed already. The forest, the tall trees, the voices. When he wakes up, he’s not even sure whether he should be calling those dreams nightmares. But they aren’t, even though his heart beats faster and he wakes up sweating and panting.  

A nightmare would mean that he doesn’t enjoy it, but he does. Because if falling asleep and dreaming means going back to the woods, being a children and playing again with Levi then it can’t be wrong. Even though it is, because in the dream Levi isn’t a child. But Erwin is. In the dream Erwin plays with an angry Levi and he cries because Levi keeps hitting him every time he follows him. And he follows him through the forest, as the trees smell of freedom and youth, until Levi shows him why he’s angry. That’s the worst part. Isabel and Farlan are in front of him, but they are not dead. They are not like Erwin last left them, and even though he should be happy to see them dancing and running around Erwin cries and screams because they are alive.

And Levi hugs him once, and he hits him again. Time stops and the other two children turn around, and they are not children anymore either. In Erwin’s mind they are old, they managed to grow up just as Levi did. Which drives him crazy, but the dream is still not a nightmare. Because Levi keeps holding his hand- squeezing it tight- in between slaps. It’s like Erwin is being scolded over and over, but as a child he doesn’t understand and as a loyal dog he can’t leave his furious owner. He wants to hold Levi’s hand again, he wants for Farlan and Isabel to disappear so that he can be just the two of them. Erwin is a selfish child in the dream, but when he wakes up and he thinks about it he has to wonder if that’s not the actual truth. What has he ever done as a child to be considered differently?

The dream leaves him breathless and when his eyes snap open and the light fills the room up, it takes him several seconds to come back to reality. Erwin sits up and dries the sweat off his face with one hand, the other still holding the messy sheets tightly. He doesn’t know what to think about the dream, as he gets up and heads for a quick shower. He knows what happened all those years before must have messed him up, but this is unusual even for him. And it’s the first time since Levi’s return, so why now? 

His fingers run through his wet hair and flashbacks of the night before stream behind his closed eyes. The light touch reminds him of Levi’s hair, Levi’s pale skin. He can’t say he remembers how Levi felt when they were children, but something inside him tells him that Levi’s skin is harder now, less soft to the touch. He guesses it’s normal, since he’s not so young anymore. He wonders if something has happened for it to turn like that. Thoughts continue to cross Erwin’s mind uninvited until he forces himself to come out of the shower and get ready. He spends another ten minutes shaving and dressing up, before he leaves for the outside practice field. 

It’s still early, but not enough for people to be asleep in their beds. The dream has stolen him more time than he thought. He still feels weird and kind of shocked by it, but the fresh air of the morning makes him forget, at least temporarily. He starts his usual run, peaceful and slow as he likes it, before quickening his pace up and increasing the effort. The other soldiers are already exercising, some of them are trying with one-to-one combat and others are trying the gear on. Erwin is proud to see that some of them look like they truly have potential, and he’s proud to see the less lucky ones trying anyway. 

People aren’t used to see him outside, practicing with them, and when Erwin passes by some of the recruits they stumble over and embarrass themselves with the worst and quickest salutes Erwin has ever seen. He doesn’t smile, because he doesn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable but as soon as they’re not watching anymore he can’t help a very slight giggle to himself. He still has to get used to people being intimidated by him, especially in normal situations like this. Mike would have laughed too, and smacked him over the head for making fun of them but Erwin thinks he should be allowed some fun from time to time. Not that it lasts long anyway, besides he’s still proud of them. Their behavior only shows that they know how to respect their superiors. It’s good. 

Erwin keeps running, until he finds himself taking the path toward the small forest near the camp that they use to simulate fights with titans outside the walls. It’s the best they can get, and most of the time it’s more useful than a lot of the soldiers think. Still not as scary and dangerous as the real thing. 

He’s not expecting to find anyone there, since the field was already so full of people and he figured everyone was either there or still in the dining hall having breakfast, but he’s wrong. As he speeds up he starts hearing loud voices coming from the trees, one of them sounds like Darlett’s voice. He must be practicing with his squad, which means… Levi must be there too. Unless he decided to skip practice that morning too. Erwin can’t know. 

He soon finds out, though, when his feet bring him right where the others are and make him stop. The only man on the ground is, indeed, Darlett, who shoots him an annoyed look along with a quick salute. Erwin does the same, even though his attention is elsewhere. He can hear some of the recruits screaming directions from the tall trees, and he can see them flying with their gear on trying to take down the fake wooden titan together. The aim is the nape of its neck, and they are all trying to cooperate in order to kill it and do it right. Erwin looks up, narrowing his eyes, and he notices it’s all going perfectly except for one thing. Levi isn’t there.

Except he is, and Erwin doesn’t even have the time to ask Darlett where the little man is that a fading shadow quick as the wind itself rushes through the trees and flies nimbly as a bird. Levi doesn’t obey any of the orders, he just runs from one branch to the other, gaining more and more speed until he rolls in a fast ball and slays the fake titan’s neck right on the spot. The wood breaks and Erwin can almost see the strength Levi’s put in the blow, with such ease. As if it was nothing. Erwin’s mouth slightly tilts up. 

Some of the soldiers, ready to hit, lose balance and crash to the ground without too much damage and the others just land on other branches angry and upset. Levi lands to the ground on his knees without any effort at all, in front of Darlett and Erwin. He raises his head up and his eyes lock with Erwin’s proud ones. Levi’s short hair covers his forehead and the sun’s rays illuminate his clear face through the thick trees, making him look strong and delicate at the same time. 

“What the hell was that?!” Eventually all of the other soldiers from the squad land, and it’s just a matter of second before they all start complaining. 

“Yeah, what were you thinking?” 

“Didn’t you hear us?” 

“As if he ever listens…” 

“Look, I don’t give a damn if he doesn’t care but he can’t just do what he wants!” 

One after the other they cry out, both to Darlett and directly to Levi’s face, which doesn’t seem to please him at all. But he stays silent, watching them talk and whine after he stands up. Darlett is angry too, but he seems to be holding back since Erwin is there. However Erwin isn’t saying anything too, just looking at Levi and re-living that absurd attack over and over in his head. It’s amazing. Besides, Erwin knows that Darlett would be screaming already if he wasn’t there, blaming Levi for more things than he deserves to be blamed for. 

“What is your problem?” One of them finally says, pushing Levi to the side. Levi raises his head up and glares at the tall boy with bitter poison in his eyes, as if to warn him to stop right now, before he bites. Before it gets bad. But the boy pushes him again and again and Levi, Erwin knows, is not patient. Only something is wrong with him too, like Darlett he’s holding back. Erwin wonders if it’s because he’s there. None of the others seem to care at the moment, too busy with the current problem. Levi. 

“Why do you always do what you want? What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

“Leave me alone.” Levi whispers and it sounds like he’s on the edge of exploding. Erwin takes a step forward, going near them. 

“Yeah, right, because that might solve all of this! Right?” Another boy says, and the other laugh emptily. None of them is amused, they really just want Levi to cooperate.

“This guy thinks he can handle it all alone, but what does he know? He’s never even been outside the walls!” 

“Is that how it works in the Underground? Everyone to himself until you die alone?” 

“I bet he could be able to even let his friends die rather than listening to others!” 

“As if this guy could ever have any friends.”

The words are enough to trigger Levi, and Erwin can see the light in his eyes changing from threatening to actually dangerous. Erwin’s heart cringes when he hears the soldier’s words, because he knows they are wrong and if Levi is like that it’s probably all his fault. He knows Levi would never let his friends die, he’s not who they think they are. He feels like he should step up and tell them, tell them all what he’s done and who Levi is. But he doesn’t. 

“Shut up!” Levi screams, and pushes the other boy back. The only difference being that Levi is stronger and the other is already on the ground, his face scared and his body frozen. Darrett says something in the background but no one listens to him. Levi bends down, grasping at the boy’s shirt to hold him up, and raises an arm ready to hit him hard and without any kind of pity. 

“Stop.” Erwin says loud and clear, and everyone stops and shuts up. Levi’s head turns in a fast jerk toward him, clenching his fist in the air. 

“What the fuck do you want?” Levi snaps, his voice almost trembling as it comes out from his mouth. Some of the others gasp, because none of them is allowed to talk to Erwin that way, not even Darlett. And it’s offensive and so wrong, they can’t believe it. But Erwin doesn’t have a problem with it, he knows already that Levi talks like that and if nothing, he deserves it. But they, of course, don’t know why. 

“Levi,” Erwin clears his throat, and his gaze doesn’t look away from him. “put him down and step back. Now.” He says, he orders. 

Levi’s grey eyes narrow in the dim light of the sun and the trees’ shadows. He looks at Erwin, and the taller man knows it will take Levi everything he has to do as he’s telling him. There is challenge and barely controlled chaos in his expression, and Erwin almost looks away because it’s too much. Almost. 

Levi takes a deep breath and lets the other go, sighing as the boy hits the ground and quickly stands up, stepping away from Levi as far as he can. Or as far as he can go before embarrassing himself. Erwin knows the soldier probably just wants to run away, but he can’t. He can’t really blame him, though, Levi did look scary. He looks scary all the time, even though Erwin knows how to see beyond that. 

Darlett silently takes a step towards Erwin. “How do you do that?” He whispers in his ear, and Erwin has to actually stop himself from rolling his eyes and tell the other man to… gently go away. Yes. It’s not his fault if Darlett annoys him that much, but he knows he’s a good soldier and he can be trusted when it comes to important things. Despite that, he can’t help but feel a bit sorry for Levi. 

“So?” A girl says this time, her voice obviously scared though. “What are you going to do about this?” She’s asking Erwin, not Darlett. She has courage, Erwin must give her that. But he’s not their squad leader, and he’s not there to scare them or scold them. 

“Have you all seen Levi before? When he hit the titan?” Instead of replying, he asks them a question. A few of them nods, three others shrug. 

“And what did you think about it?” Erwin asks, calm and composed, making them respect him. Which looks a bit ridiculous since he’s not wearing his uniform and he’s still sweaty from the run under his white shirt. 

“He shouldn’t have done that!” 

“He was reckless and-” 

“I didn’t ask what you thought about  _ him,  _ I asked about what he did. His actions. Leave everything else to the side for a moment, and answer me.” 

The space around them falls silent, Levi still burning Erwin with his eyes. The nature echoes above them, and a breath of cold wind runs through them, until one of the boys speak in a very low voice, and barely letting himself be heard by the others. 

“It was… it was amazing.” 

Erwin smirks, and nods. Because they all heard him anyway. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Another one adds. “It was fast and right to the point, it was lethal.” 

“It was actually kinda cool…” One of the girls say, and Levi scoffs and rolls his eyes. 

Erwin watches them as their bodies loosen up and they all relax, acknowledging Levi’s power. Levi is the only one who doesn’t relax. 

“Right, because Levi has many skills and he’s really good at what he does. Don’t underestimate him. I will let you all think about that.” Erwin says. “Despite that, you are right.” His eyes wander from the soldiers to Levi. 

“You need to learn how to work with them, together.” Erwin tells him, and Levi looks away. “You need to listen, and if someone gives you an order you have to obey.”

“Someone like who? This idiot?” Levi replies, pointing towards Darlett with a nod of his head. Someone behind him giggles, but they stop almost immediately after their voice gets stuck in a cough. 

“How dare y-” Darlett begins, but Erwin is not having any of this. 

“Yes. Even him.” 

“What if the orders he gives are bullshit? Because they are and it’s not like I’m enjoying this. If I don’t listen to these brats there is a reason, I’m not that stupid.” Levi says, and Erwin is actually surprised (again) by the amount of words that come out of his mouth. Despite the fact that he’s insulting basically everyone, Levi is trying to give his own opinion. That’s progress to Erwin.

“I’m just saying, I’m better on my own.” Levi steps forward and looks at Erwin, sending a shiver down his spine with the way he stares at him. “And you know that.” 

“That’s not how it works!” Another girls says behind him, and Levi’s eyebrows raise up as he keeps looking at Erwin. 

“I know. But Levi is worth just as much as all of you, if not more.” 

There’s a spark that follows Erwin’s last words in his eyes, one that betrays him and Levi notices. Because Erwin has never been more honest with them, and with himself. He doesn’t want to diminish anyone, but Levi is indeed better than them, it’s nothing personal, just practical. The recruits grunt and mumble something, but then Erwin speaks and they all stay silent. 

“Please, trust me.” Erwin’s voice rings loud among them, and Levi’s face turns from annoyed to surprised, and not in a good way. As soon as Erwin says the words, his eyes fall over Levi and he wishes they didn’t. There are so many irresolved problems, so many words never said and regrets drowning in those silver sad eyes. Erwin really doesn’t know if he should have said that. He looks away, he can’t take it. He can take violence, lost pride, titans and death but looking into Levi’s eyes right now is unbearable. 

He sees Darlett nodding with the corner of his eyes, and then everyone else too. They do, they trust him and if Erwin says they need Levi then they have to believe him. But does he trust himself? Surely, Levi doesn’t. 

Erwin salutes them, then, and turns around to continue his morning run. Trying to run away from all of that has just happened, which has made his stomach turn and his head nearly dizzy. He feels like a coward, but maybe he is. He needs to clear his mind and forget, but he can’t. He manages to run for a minute or so, creating enough distance between him and the group not to hear them anymore, that somebody stops him. 

“Ehy!” Levi calls him from behind, reaching up to him with a quick run. Erwin stops, and after gaining his breath back he turns around and faces him. 

“Yes?” He’s not sure whether his heart is beating so fast from the running or just because of Levi, who should seriously stop making him feel that way.  _ It’s the run, only the run _ , Erwin convinces himself.

“I don’t need you to stand up for me.” 

Levi spits, but his voice doesn’t sound angry. Or at least, not only that. It’s like an angry, hard thank you that Levi really doesn’t want to say. Erwin frowns down at him, not knowing what to think. How to read him. For a moment, just a single one, Erwin wants to reach out and take his hand. Squeeze it, and cry, like he did in his dream, because the trees around him are so different but they remind him of the forest, and he can’t help but think about it. Right now, it’s a nightmare. Because he can’t reach out, he can’t hold his hand while being his friend, and he can’t just pretend everything is fine between them. Erwin sighs. 

“And I don’t need you to cause me trouble, but you do. I only said what I was thinking, and luckily it helped. Next time I might not be around and-” 

“You don’t get it, do you? I don’t need you to be around. I need you to stay away from me.” 

Erwin’s brows raise up, as his blue eyes widen. “Fine.” He says, turning around but Levi stops him again. 

“If you really wanted to keep me under control, why aren’t I in your squad?” Levi asks, and the question echoes in Erwin’s mind a million times before he can come up with an answer.

“You know why. I’m busy.” 

“That’s what Shadis said, what’s your real excuse?”

“It’s not an excuse.” Erwin swallows, trying not to look at Levi, but he’s not lying, not entirely at least. He doesn’t have the time to keep an eye on him, not with the next expedition so close on them. 

“Yeah, well. Then you don’t get to have problems with me being in Darlett’s squad.” 

“Do you really think I have a problem with that?” Erwin asks and Levi shrugs. 

But Levi looks like he knows what he’s saying, he’s doing that on purpose. The closer he is to Erwin the closer to the documents, the closer to kill him and go back to his normal life. Levi just said he wants Erwin to stay away, so then why is he insisting on this?

“I don’t have a problem with it. I have problem when you don’t behave, and you pick up fights. And when you don’t obey specific orders.” 

“What am I? A dog? Is that what being in the Survey Corps is all about?” 

“No. It’s about doing what’s best for everyone, because it’s not just about you. Or me. It can’t be and it never will. It’s about winning this war and finally being able to live in peace and discovering the truth about everything outside the walls.” Levi waits a moment, before replying.

“You really believe all of this shit, don’t you?”

“Yes. And I also believe that to achieve all of that our soldiers need discipline other than courage and strength. That means you too.” 

“I hate this.” Levi says, honest for once. 

“Then why are you staying?” Erwin says, teases almost, knowing well enough that conversation could be an honest one instead.    
“You basically forced me to, don’t you remember?” 

“Oh, Levi.” Erwin takes a step towards him and for the first time since Levi has gotten there, he feels anger running through his veins too. It’s not even anger, more like irritation because he knows Levi is being like that just to bother him. And Levi keeps making feel confused and weird and Erwin is starting to not like it anymore. 

“We both know you could have left already, if you really wanted to. But you stayed, so why is that?” 

“Am I supposed to be scared now?” Levi implies, and Erwin raises his eyebrows in impatience. 

“I have my reasons.” Levi says, looking up and pressing his lips tight together. 

“Then, behave.” 

Erwin sounds like a broken record, as he keeps saying the word. Behave, behave, behave. But it’s what Levi has to do to prove he’s worth it. Not to him, but to everyone else who believes he can’t be part of the Survey Corps. However, they need him, he’s their best shot right now.

“Whatever.” Levi says, looking at him for the last time. 

Then he turns away and runs towards the deeper part of the small forest. Erwin stands there and the anger wears off as quickly as it came. He shouldn’t be annoyed by this, by him. Saying those things to Levi is risky, and certainly not the best way to get him to act correctly. 

Erwin sighs and, eventually, he starts running again. It doesn’t take him long to finish that, plus a quick workout. His mind is busy and now, thanks to Levi, he can’t concentrate on anything but him and their conversation. Working in his office feels like being in prison, and it’s only when he steps outside to breathe some air again that he sees Mike coming towards him. 

Levi has gotten into another fight, this time with not one but three people. Mike was right, and Erwin has to do something about it. But not yet.

 

***

 

The morning of the long waited expedition, everyone gets up earlier than usual. The camp is busy and the soldiers are both excited and nervous, as always. A thrilling kind of electricity fills the air and everyone’s mind sparks with anticipation. Going outside the walls is dangerous, but it’s also a unique experience who no one ever regrets. 

Erwin isn’t in a particular good mood that day. The day before Shadis had come to him, telling him they wouldn’t use, or at least experiment, his long-distance formation. Erwin had asked why, if there was something wrong. Shadis’ face had said it all, the man is scared it wouldn’t work. He’s scared of changing things, no matter how good Erwin’s plan sounds, he wants to keep it like it’s always been. Erwin, he can’t really deny it, had gotten angry but then something else had upset him even more. Shadis said that that wasn’t the only problem, the other squad leaders weren’t trusting him too. Because of Levi. 

They have all seen how different Erwin had been the last few days, and they wouldn’t trust neither him or Levi outside the walls. Not after the fights, not after they were all expecting Erwin to keep him under control since he was the one who got him in. Erwin hadn’t said anything, just nodded and stormed off the room.  

He doesn’t sleep much, but he’s able to manage the anger better the morning after. It’s fine if they are not going to use his plan, they will someday. This will just prove them wrong, both about the formation and Levi, or at least Erwin hopes so. Still, he can’t help but be upset about Levi’s behavior. Mike is right, he can’t let him destroy his career after he’s got so far. It’s not for him, it’s not about them personally, it’s just about everything else. Erwin believes he can bring something better to everyone’s future, if there is something he knows is that he’s clever enough for that. Brave enough, and he has got nothing to lose and at the same time he has everything to lose. It’s hard, and maybe yes, he is still mad. 

But he can’t show it. 

And as he doesn’t show it, he tries not to feel it too. Conceiving his feelings is what he’s learned to do best during the last few years, so why can’t he stay calm now? Why can’t he pretend this doesn’t affect him? He knows why, it’s just stupid and difficult to admit and he hates it even though he probably knows he had it coming. 

Luckily for all of them, the day is a good one. Autumn is being kind on them, and yes, this could have been the perfect day to test his formation. Erwin shakes his head and keeps on walking through the camp to the stables to get his horse ready. At least he, as everyone else, will get to go outside yet another time. The thought is enough to make smile, and to make his heart beat fast. He never knows, he can’t never be sure whether that will be his last day outside the walls ever or if he’ll go there again. It’s something no one knows, it’s part of the thrill that comes out of this. For Erwin, it’s not even about death. He just doesn’t want to die so he can still have the time to make it up to his father, so he can’t disappoint anyone else. He wants the truth and he wants freedom, and death is far from both. 

Erwin can’t say he’s never imagined it, his death. Sometimes, especially during those nights when he can stay by Marie’s side. He’s never understood why those thoughts keep coming to him when he’s with her, in the calm peace of his home. Maybe it’s that, the peace. It feels so weird every time, it feels safe, even too much. But when he’s lying there, trying to sleep, his brain gets busy and he starts picturing his own death. It’s usually always a quick but painful death. He imagines himself being eaten by a titan, like he has watched happening plenty of times to other soldiers. He tries very hard, then, to imagine how that must feel like. Horrible, tragic, raw or maybe it would even feel reassuring, because he wouldn’t have anything more to worry about. He would be done. But he doesn’t know that, he will never know until it happens, and he knows that’s going to happen sooner or later.

When Erwin pictures his future, he never sees a life after the war. Yes, he hopes, he imagines he will win -humanity will win- but not before he dies. Him dying, that will be his last sacrifice to all of this. He’s sad, when he thinks about it, because that way he will never be able to see the ocean, the mountains and the deserts his father would talk to him about. He will never get to see humanity grow and learn, but the idea alone that that could become a possibility… it’s comforting enough. 

Besides, there is a very small chance he will actually survive all of this. Hell, he’s not even sure he’ll survive this whole deal with Levi, even though he worries him far less than being eaten by a titan. He trusts Levi more than titans anyway, and the other man’s already showed him something between pity and a big chance to live he didn’t deserve. 

So there he is, finally in front of his horse, steadying the saddle over it and giving the beautiful animal an encouraging pat. He’s alone in the stables, everyone else has already taken their horses with them, he’s just a bit late. He hears some steps behind him and the sound makes him turn around. 

“Levi,” 

He says, surprised to see the smaller man standing right in front of him. “what are you doing here?” There are no horses left, so it can’t be because of that. 

Levi shrugs, not looking at him. “Darlett sent a couple of us to look for you.” 

“Ah.” Erwin nearly sighs, both of relief because at least Levi doesn’t want to pick a fight or anything like that, and disappointment. The anger from the day before gets mixed up with how much he just wants to talk to him, like they would have done once, to explain. Erwin frowns and his tense shoulders relax after Levi’s words. 

“Did he say what the problem was?” He asks, and it’s weird talking to him that normally. He doesn’t know how to act around him, what to do and how to talk. 

“No idea.” 

Levi shrugs again, his eyes still on the ground even though his voice is as annoyed as always. It’s ironic that among everyone in Darlett’s squad he was the one finding him, but also not surprising at all. Erwin doesn’t know why, but it’s something he might have expected from him anyway. To always find him.

“Well then, I’ll talk to him as soon as I see him. Thank you.” Erwin says before giving the horse’s rein a little push, making it walk forward along with him. When he steps out of the stables, Levi stops him. 

“Some of them are going to die today, aren’t they?” Erwin turns around and frowns, finding Levi’s choice of words interesting.

“Some of  _ us,  _ yes, it’s highly probable. But it doesn’t necessarily have to happen.” 

Levi’s eyes lift up, and this time he looks at him. He still has one or two bruises on his face from the fight he was in the other day, but he looks as beautiful as always. Something Erwin shouldn’t be thinking about, but maybe he should just give up and accept he’s going to think that every time he looks at him. Nothing wrong with it, it’s just a mere fact. It’s just a face. Levi’s face.

“You don’t think you are going to die.” Erwin says, and it should sound like a question but it ends up echoing between them as a statement. A certainty. 

“How would I know that?” Levi’s grey eyes narrow as he crosses his arms on his chest. 

“I know you won’t.” Erwin says, serious. Meaning it. 

“How would  _ you  _ know?” Levi snaps back, unfolding his arms. 

“Because I know you.” 

“You don’t know shit about me.” 

“I simply meant I know you can fight.” Erwin justifies himself, saying only half of the truth. Because it’s true, he doesn’t know Levi at all but he did, and he wishes he could still say that. That he truly knows him, like the friend he was.

Levi clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes, obviously even more irritated than before, but he doesn’t go away. He doesn’t move at all and Erwin has to ask. 

“What did you really want to ask me?” Because Erwin is interested, why asking about everyone’s else possible death? That is not something Levi would do, not for what little he knows about this new Levi, that is. He shouldn’t care about that.

Levi hesitates, defensive but still curios. It’s like he’s trying so hard to speak, to let the words come out of his mouth. 

“How-” He starts and Erwin waits patiently, even though they don’t have that much time. “Nothing, forget it.” 

Erwin’s eyebrows raise up, and he smiles a smile Levi misses, busy looking down. 

“Going outside the walls? It’s worth it.” He says and Levi’s head jerks up. “It’s going to be fine.” 

And then Erwin turns around and walks away from him, not wanting to see or hear Levi’s reaction. He knows he would say something mean or rude, and it’s not like Erwin can’t take that but he doesn’t want to be angrier than he already feels. Even though seeing Levi, talking to him, has surprisingly calmed him down more than he realizes. He thinks about those days as a child, when he would run into the forest upset about his classmates or his father and Levi would comfort him with a blanket around his shoulders or hesitant, but meaningful words. Neither of them are kids now, though, and it’s not that simple anymore. There is no more blanket for Erwin to keep him warm and safe. 

Levi, looking as neutral as always, reaches everyone else outside the camp after a while, where they are all set and seated on their horses, ready to go. Erwin sees him with the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t stare or look at him, not now. Instead he moves forward and looks for Darlett, wondering what the man wanted to talk to him about. They still have to parade through the city, before finally stepping out the walls, and this is the only moment he has to ask. 

“Flagon.” Erwin says when he finds him. The other man startles before turning around in his horse to face him. 

“Erwin.” Darlett nods in a quick salute. 

“What is it?” Erwin asks but the other only frowns, shaking his head briefly. 

“Nothing, why?”

“Weren’t you looking for me?”

“No. Not really, who told you that?” 

Erwin slightly opens his mouth, closing it after a quick sigh. So Levi wasn’t there for Darlett, he actually wanted to see Erwin, talk to him. Erwin smiles to himself, when he decides it’s better if he doesn’t say it was him. 

“Ah, no one. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Are you sure?” Erwin knows Darlett is not exactly stupid, he may be thick sometimes but he probably knows Levi better than he does by now.

“Yes. Are you ready?” Erwin asks in return, changing the subject because exposing Levi, even for such a little thing, wouldn’t make anyone happy. 

“As always.” 

After that they head towards the road that will bring them outside the walls, and at some point they pass through houses and people, gathered around to see them walk off. Erwin is still not used to it, the streets look always familiar but it’s strange. It makes him uncomfortable, surely not proud. He still doesn’t know whether he hates these parades or not, maybe they are normal. That’s what they should do, passing by and trying to give people hope. But people never looked at them with hope, mostly hate. 

Erwin looks around, as they move on, and his eyes fall beyond angry people’s faces to see excited kids waving and grinning at them. It’s not right, but at least children believe in them. Children don’t know most of them are going to die, and when they do they never go and scream at them. They say they are heroes, they die with honor and whatever other fantasies they can come up with. They remind Erwin of himself as a kid, but the truth is no one there died with honor. Still, they are heroes. Not him, but the young soldiers who give their lives for a greater cause. Erwin respects them, if nothing else. 

And that’s why he can’t bear to look at everyone else in the crowd. Parents blaming them, blaming him for their sons and daughters’ death. Parents never believe in the greater cause, they just want to see their children alive and well. They don’t care, they never do, but Erwin will never resent them for that, he doesn’t understand what they are feeling but he knows it’s only normal. Almost logical. The Survey Corps needs the soldiers, though, and that is a sacrifice to be made. Besides, one can always hope they won’t die. 

Erwin looks ahead of him and his eyes search for something and someone else. He sees Levi, and his face is flat but his hands are squeezed tight around the horse’s rein. Erwin observes him, until a loud noise distracts him away from him. 

The gates open, and Shadis screams the usual ‘advance’ word that commanders are expected to say. Just like that, they are riding fast outside the walls and in less than a minute they are all out in the open. Erwin’s lungs open and he takes a deep breath, enjoying the first and only moments of peace he has before the actual expedition begins. That day they are just exploring, seeing how far they can go and trying to see how new recruits handle the outside world. It shouldn’t be dangerous, but it’s never something they can predict. 

The sun, high and bright in the sky, warms Erwin’s face and makes his blue, focused eyes shine. They are the reflection of the vast space ahead of them, something he still can’t believe he gets to see so many times. Never enough, though. How freeing would it feel to be able to live there forever, without titans. Without death. 

Erwin manages to watch Levi’s reaction in front of the whole wide world ahead of them. He smiles, because Levi’s eyes are huge and he has never seen them being so full of life and pleasant surprise. And Levi is smiling too, even though it’s almost invisible. Erwin almost didn’t remember his smile, but it looks just as charming as it did once. Levi looks so young, his features free and easy and as he runs wild through the infinite field he looks like a bird ready to fly away. Erwin sees it in his expression, the irresistible temptation of just turning away from them and just ride until he can. It’s something he feels every time, but he can’t. 

And Levi stays. 

Before reaching for Shadis, Erwin decides to approach Levi. Besides, since they are not using his formation and the expedition’s goal is just a simple one, he can afford this. Yes, titans are still a danger but for now no one is seeing anything coming. It’s almost peaceful, like they are there just for fun. It’s not something Erwin experiences very often, actually, basically never. As if he really remembered what fun is. 

Levi sees him and looks at him, as they ride closer to each other. There are a few other soldiers around them (the main rule was never to go anywhere alone outside the walls, never.) but it’s difficult to hear them. Or for them to hear Levi and Erwin talking. 

Erwin’s eyes linger over Levi for a while, checking the path ahead of him from time to time, until the other sighs and gives up, because it’s painfully obvious that Erwin is waiting for him to say something. Anything. 

“Not bad.” Levi says, returning the look. 

Erwin smiles at him from his horse, and then Levi really can’t help it and slightly smirks back. It makes Erwin’s chest warm up in relief, it’s the first time since Levi’s been there that he’s looking at him with something else beside hostility and anger. But he knows it’s mainly because of where they are, because it’s impossible not to feel different and as if everything that has ever troubled them never existed out there. Even though for Erwin the outside meant death as well, but he’s trying not to think about it. He can’t, anyway, not with Levi’s looking at him like that. 

“Bet I can ride faster than you.” Levi says, suddenly, as his smirk grows a little wider. Erwin arches his brows, not sure he’s actually heard that right. Levi’s voice sounds challenging, but playful too. 

“I don’t think so.” Erwin replies simply, trying to compose himself into the squad leader he is. 

“What is it? You scared?” Levi starts going a little faster, and Erwin reaches for him easily. 

“I really don’t think this is the time or place to be doing such a thing.” Erwin says and Levi rolls his eyes, snorting at him. 

“You sure are a boring old man.” 

“I-” 

And then Levi just takes off, kicking his horse once and running through the cold air of the day much quicker than before. Erwin gasps lightly as he sees him going just like that, leaving him behind. He’s unbelievable. 

“Come on, Eyebrow!” 

Levi’s head turns for a second as he calls him and invites him right into the challenge. Erwin’s eyes widen out in shock, because no one has been calling him like that in more than fifteen years and he had almost forgotten about it himself. But Levi, still not calling him by his name, remembers. The childhood nickname makes his stomach tighten in pleasant incredulity as he sucks in his breath. 

Erwin really, really shouldn’t do this. He exchanges a quick look with the others around him, who glance at him like he must be crazy if he’s going to go after Levi. But he shrugs, and for just once (again, like he would as a boy) he decides to grant himself that. Besides, he’s just following Levi to stop him, right? Erwin rides faster and faster and eventually finds himself behind the other man, as they just can’t stop running. Together.

It feels like finally letting go, even if he knows this won’t last. He remembers that day in the forest, in the summer, when he, Levi, Farlan and Isabel had run through the tall thick trees to the river. And if feels exactly like that, the same kind of rush, excitement. He almost feels like laughing as he follows Levi, like he would as a child, always behind him and never ahead of him. But it’s okay like this, he has never bothered him, Levi deserves to be first.

He can’t see Levi’s face, but he hopes it looks like his, like good memories and fresh water. 

“Titan!” 

There is a sudden shout coming from not too far, and both Erwin and Levi’s heads snap to the side. Erwin doesn’t have the time to look at Levi now, regretting running fast and distancing themselves from the group. He shouldn’t have, but there is no time to think about that either. They both start riding towards the others, who are running away from the titan, regrouping.

They reach for them, and Shadis shoots an awful look at Erwin.    


“It’s not one of the small ones!” One of the soldiers says scared, their voice trembling. Erwin glances at the tall titan running fast towards them. 

“It must be a fourteen-Meter Class. Damn it.” It’s Darlett who talks first. 

“We should retrieve, the recruits are too inexperienced to fight one like that today. We are still on time for that.” Shadis says and Erwin has to control himself not to snap, because that’s what he always says. Always finding excuses to just run away. But he’s right, the titan in sight is one of the most troublesome ones. 

Erwin tries to think of what to do, if maybe just he, Darlett and some other of the best recruits should go and face it. If they should actually take off. Maybe they could trap him somewhere in the nearest forest and- 

“Where do you think you’re going?!” Erwin comes back from his quick thoughts when Darlett’s voice resounds high and angry in the air. Erwin looks up. 

“Levi, come back here right now!” Darlett shouts again and Erwin sees the smaller man running off towards the titans. Alone. 

“I said-” 

“Let him go.” Erwin seriously says. 

“What? Are you of your mind? How does he expect to beat that beast down all by himself? It’s suicide!” Darlett argues with him and Erwin sees Shadis nodding behind him. 

“You wanted to know if he was worth it, didn’t you?” Erwin starts, piercing Darlett with his eyes. 

“Give him the chance to show you that.” 

He believes it, he truly believes Levi can do it, even though he can’t help but fear for his failure and his heart beats louder and faster, resounding in his ears, as soon as Levi gets closer to the titan and is about to actually fight him. None of the other soldiers has even tried to help him. That’s a lot for team spirit, but Erwin knows Levi will prove them all wrong. He’s worth it.

Darlett is about to protest again, as if he actually cared whether Levi died or not (maybe he did), but he stops when Levi first attacks the titan. His gear activates and Levi turns from being the demon that everyone thought he was to a flying angel with the grace and the strength of a perfectly synchronized army. 

Even Erwin’s mouth parts, along with everyone else, when Levi rolls out in the air a couple of times, going around the titan, and in less than three minutes he reaches for the titan’s nape. He slays it, and the burning blood bursting out of it is like a red powerful explosion. Time has seemed to have slowed down during the whole one-sided fight, until Levi lands on the ground and after several long, silent seconds, along with the huge titan, and all the young recruits start screaming and cheering in excitement. And relief. 

Erwin’s lips tilt up in a creepy proud smile, his eyes glowing with satisfaction. Levi did it, but he never doubted him for a moment. 

“That was-” Darlett says, too speechless to form a real sentence as Levi comes back and catches up with them again. He looks like nothing ever happened, his face emotionless and his eyes as grey as always. Even the enthusiasm from before, from being outside the walls, seems to be gone. 

“That was impressive.” Erwin says, looking right at Levi. The man looks up and Erwin sees a drop of blood on his cheek, which is slowly burning him. “But it wasn’t perfect.” 

“What.” Levi hisses, confused and insulted. 

“You took too long. If you wouldn’t have gone alone you would have taken much less time, and you wouldn’t have used all that gas you just wasted.” Erwin says grievously. He’s proud of Levi and what he’s just done… it was truly amazing, but he means every word. 

“Fighting together with the rest of your squad will always be better than fighting alone, remember that.” 

“They didn’t even move.” Levi replies bitterly. 

“Because that wasn’t the order.” 

“Yeah, because running away is so much better.” Erwin smirks slightly as no one else can see him doing so, agreeing with Levi for once. 

Instead of saying anything else, though, he just turns around and leaves Levi alone. He and Shadis talk for a little while before deciding to go back inside the walls. It’s enough for today. Shadis doesn’t seem happy about Levi, no matter what he’s just shown he can do and Erwin can’t help but worry about it. If even this is not enough, than what should he do? There is a reason if Shadis doesn’t trust Levi, that’s true and Erwin shouldn’t too but he must see that he’s a great weapon for them to use. He must. 

Darlett just sounds grumpy and annoyed about going back already, and still shocked. Some of the soldiers try to compliment Levi, Erwin hears them, but Levi doesn’t reply back. He just tells them to go away and shut up, very him. 

As they go back Erwin doesn’t speak to Levi and the image of him killing the titan just plays over and over in his head. He can’t scroll it away, the way Levi has looked. He still wonders how could anyone limit themselves to just call him criminal, a monster too. Erwin just can’t see it. To him, Levi looks more like a miracle than anything.

When they enter the gates again, people cheer them. No one has died that day, mostly because of Levi and Erwin hopes everyone has understood that, so people have no reason to attack them. For once, maybe the first time in months, the expedition was a deathless one. Maybe they haven’t found out anything important, but they are all alive. Still, the formation was a mess and they were all spread out in the worst way, Erwin really needs to convince the commanders to use his plan.

Finally they are at the camp again, they get off their horses and head for the dining hall. They are exhausted but happy, light-hearted. Erwin meets Mike, Hange and Nanaba at the usual table and they are all surprised to see him going there without being forced. He just smiles and sits down, there is nothing wrong if he wants some company from time to time. They all have stayed back at the camp and it’s nice to see those familiar faces again. They are his friends, whether Erwin might like it or not, and he appreciates being with them. 

They ask how the expedition went, what happened with Levi and why Darlett looks like a ghost. Erwin shortly giggles for that, because Darlett still hasn’t been able to accept Levi’s talent, but he will someday soon. Erwin tries to be as most concise as possible, which annoys Hange a lot, but he doesn’t really want to talk about it all night, they are going to hear about it anyway. Mike smiles at him and pats him on the shoulder, giving him approval and kind of apologizing for doubting him about Levi’s ability to fight titans right. Erwin is glad Mike believes him now. 

“Levi!” Hange screams out of the blue the moment she spots Levi in the dining hall. Erwin turns around and he sees him lifting his head up and narrowing his eyes, looking at her annoyed already. Then Levi’s eyes lock with his and Erwin smiles as to say hello and sorry for Hange drawing attention on him at the same time. 

“Come sit with us!” She says out loud again, and everyone is staring now. None of the recruits ever sits with them, ever. Erwin really doesn’t mind, but he knows what that might look like for the soldiers. Well, actually, he doesn’t because he’s never understood why this was such a big thing but he tries to imagine it. 

Levi looks away and pretends as if he hasn’t even heard her. 

“Come on!” Nice try. He rolls his tired eyes and Erwin can see him sigh deeply from afar. He doesn’t envy him, but Hange is not giving up. Mike tries to calm her down but she doesn’t seem to care. 

“Levi, Levi, Leeeevi.” She continues and Levi’s body stiffens as everyone’s eyes are on him now, definitely. A fork drops from his hand, and Hange keeps calling him. 

“Hange, maybe you should leave him alone-” Erwin says, turning back to her. 

“Oh! No need anymore.” She grins and giggles in joy. 

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks. 

“Look who’s decided to join us.” Erwin turns again and he sees Levi pacing towards them. 

He looks embarrassed and angry and seriously pissed off. Erwin follows his movements until he sits down beside Mike on the bench and almost slams his plate on the wooden table, clenching his fists and looking down. His lips are pressed together and Erwin notices his cheeks are slightly pinker than usual, Hange really has the power to make someone feel awkward. Even a tough guy like Levi, but Erwin understands not wanting the attention. He really does. 

“Good evening, Wraith.” Hange greets him with a big smile and Levi’s head snaps up, he looks at her like he wants to punch her. Everyone else just sighs, they have already given up on her enthusiastic demeanor a long time ago. 

“I sat with you, now can’t you just shut up?” Levi whispers in a dangerous hiss, narrowing his eyes. 

“Uuh, touchy.” She laughs and looks at Erwin. “I can really see why you like him so much.” 

Erwin is not sure what she means, not at all, but he doesn’t say anything. He shares a quick glance with Levi and then everyone else goes back to talking about all the usual things, and both he and the dark-haired man stay silent. Especially Levi. They all don’t know why has Hange insisted that much to have him there with them but it’s okay. No one questions it, Hange is like that sometimes, beside she really seems to like Levi.

Despite that, it turns out to be one of the most pleasant nights Erwin has had in ages and he can’t say it’s not because of Levi’s presence there too. Somehow, it’s comforting to have him close, even though he’s being forced to and he doesn’t talk. Erwin doesn’t care.   
  


***

Despite Levi’s show with the titan, Erwin’s pride and the dinner moment, Erwin hasn’t forgotten why Levi is there. A few days pass and Mike comes to him every night to tell him what Levi has been up to or not, mostly he tells Erwin that he’s being around the camp and that he especially hangs around Erwin’s office most of the time. If not, he practices alone and tries to avoid everyone else. Erwin is not surprised at all, and the fact that he actually has to worry about this makes him feel heavier. He wishes Levi could just be what everyone thinks he is, just a new difficult recruit who is trying to fit in. But he’s not only that, and Erwin can’t wait forever. 

Erwin never goes back to Marie during that week, sending someone to her with a message to explain why. He doesn’t actually tell her why, just that it’s better if he doesn’t leave the camp for a while. He barely even leaves his office, trying to stay awake and work. He finds himself thinking about her late at night, he can’t say he doesn’t miss her. Coming home to her feels like another pleasant reality, even though it’s all fake, and sometimes he needs it. But then his thoughts move from her to Levi and sleep never comes. 

Every noise coming from outside his door makes him alert and his heart skips a beat every time he hears someone walking outside. He knows Levi isn’t that stupid, Levi knows he’s in there but Erwin keeps wondering when will he make his move, and it’s nearly driving him crazy. Because one day they are running outside in the wild, free and light, and the other he has to worry about his ex-best friend killing him. He has every right to be stressed and confused. 

The next day Erwin has dark bags under his eyes and he skips his morning run, he doesn’t even care. He just heads out to smell fresh air and waves good morning to the other soldiers already there, pretending not to feel too well. Which isn’t exactly a lie. Everyone looks at him weird, because he’s never sick, ever, but he needs a break and mostly he needs sleep, maybe a walk will help him. 

Instead, he gets more troubles. As he’s calmly walking around the practice field a girl runs towards him, stopping in front of him out of breath and leaning against her knees, trying to find the words she’s looking for. 

“What is it?” He asks worried. She looks up and straightens her back, finally being able to talk. 

“It’s about Levi, sir. He’s in a fight.” She explains quickly but there must be something else. 

“And why did you come and tell me?” 

“Because, sir, he’s fighting with Squad Leader Darlett.” 

Erwin’s eyes widen and actual surprise overwhelms him. That is not good, at all. He lets the girl guide him, they almost run as they go, and eventually he finds them outside the barracks together. 

“I’ll fucking kill you, you bastard!” Levi cries out, punching Darlett in the face, making him fall on the ground. From what Erwin can tell the fight hasn’t been going on for a long time and Darlett has managed more than Erwin would have thought him capable of. Levi sounds outraged, furious and Erwin is surprised he hasn’t actually killed Flagon already. 

This time he doesn’t even try to talk first, he just rushes to them and grabs Levi tight from behind, who startles at the sudden touch and wriggles in Erwin’s arms. 

“Let me go! You fucking piece of shit, let me go!” Levi screams and it almost hurts, he sounds desperate more than angry now. 

“Levi. Levi stop!” It’s hard to keep him there.

“I said let me go!” Levi shouts again and Erwin doesn’t have a lot of options. 

“I said stop!” 

Darlett looks at them from the ground and grimaces, cleaning his bleeding mouth with his hand. Erwin doesn’t know what he did, but if he’s the one who started this he hopes he goes to hell. 

“Calm down, Levi!” 

Levi seems out of himself. Erwin can’t see his eyes but he has no difficulty to believe they look that dangerous, scary red they always look like when he’s that angry. It’s like he’s gone some place else and Erwin can’t reach him. Levi doesn’t stop screaming and writhing in his arms, sometimes hitting him in his stomach with his elbows or stepping over one of his feet, but Erwin doesn’t let go and only holds him tighter. 

“It’s me, Levi, it’s me. Please calm down.” Erwin says, almost whispers in Levi’s ear in the mess of the moment. Levi keeps jerking, but something changes. 

“I won’t hurt you.” Erwin repeats the words he once said to him, the first time they ever met. “I’m not going to hurt you, don’t make me. Calm down, Levi.” 

Erwin’s voice is almost soft now, almost begging him to stop. Levi feels so small in his arms.

Levi moves around some more but eventually his jerks shade away and Erwin can loosen his grip around him, taking a full step back after a silent, tense few seconds. Levi is breathing heavily, his chest rising up and down quickly and his fists clenching at his sides. His black hair sticking against his sweaty forehead, empty eyes looking down into the void. For a moment, no one does anything. Darlett, who has already stood up, Erwin and Levi just stand there. The soldiers around them are waiting too and Erwin wants to send them away, but he doesn’t know if it’s safe to talk yet, he doesn’t want to scare Levi off. 

“Levi?” Erwin says, touching Levi’s shoulder but the smaller man slaps it away before he can even reach for him. 

“Don’t touch me.” He hisses, and Erwin wonders if the anger has really worn out. Levi is not looking up at anyone. 

“What have you done?” Erwin says, his voice heated and serious, looking at Darlett. 

“Me? I haven’t done anything, Erwin!” 

“Then what happened? I can’t believe he’s like this just because you did nothing.” 

Darlett looks at him and narrows his eyes, red in the face. “Are you really taking his side against me?” He says and Erwin sucks in his breath because that’s what he’s doing and he knows he can’t. 

“I’m not taking anyone’s side. I just want to know what happened.” 

But Darlett stays silent, looking away feeling insulted, and when Erwin looks at Levi for an answer he doesn’t say anything either. He sighs. What are they? Fifteen-year-olds? Besides, if Levi has had that kind of reaction, Erwin imagines he really has his reasons, he could speak up now. 

“I don’t want to be in his fucking squad anymore. I’m tired of doing whatever he says, I’m tired of listening to his bullshit.” Levi complains in a low angry hiss. Erwin raises his eyebrows, surprised Levi has actually talked. 

“Well, that’s too bad.” Darlett mocks him, but Erwin lifts one hand up to stop him there. They all don’t want another fight. 

Just when Erwin is about to speak Mike runs towards them. He must have heard, or someone must have called for him too. 

“Erwin, what the hell?” He says, as soon as he looks at the scene and notices Darlett’s bleeding face. He looks back at Erwin and frowns, worry on his face because he had warned him about this. Levi wouldn’t just stop getting into fights, and it’s a problem, a really big one. 

“Levi.” Erwin makes Levi look up at him. “You can’t change squad.” 

“Why not? He’s an asshole I don’t need him to tell me what to do.” 

“That’s enough.” 

“Why. Just because you say so? I don’t have to listen to you, too, you know?” Levi takes a step forward Erwin, and Mike does too already alert. 

“Yes. You do, and that’s exactly why you will stay in Darlett’s squad and behave.” 

“I’m not against him leaving.” Darlett interrupts them and Erwin turns and looks at him. He should have shut up, this is not about him, it’s about teaching Levi his place.

“No. You two will learn to work together, I don’t care.” Erwin says and it’s final. Darlett seems to understand that, as he nods even though he doesn’t want to. Levi seems less cooperative but Erwin isn’t expecting him to be, not right now at least. 

“What is going on here?” Great, now even Shadis is there. And he’s not alone. Apparently he and some other important people, the ones entrusted to fund the Corps, were having a meeting and someone has called them there too. Erwin wishes they didn’t. 

“This criminal is a real pain in the ass, that’s what’s going on here.” Darlett says, not even minding the language by now. Shadis looks at him and then at Erwin. 

“They’ve had a fight.” 

“About?” 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Levi whispers but everyone hears him. 

“Shut up, no one asked you.” Shadis treats him like a dog, like garbage. But Darlett still doesn’t say anything and Erwin knows they are all going to blame him now. 

“Smith, can we a word?” 

Erwin looks stoic and serious as always, but he’s hesitating inside. “I see you are busy now,” He says, sharing a glance with the other men who looks at him with arrogance. “It’s best if we talk later.”

“No, why? We need to know what happened, this concerns us too.” One of them says and Erwin swallows hard. 

“Of course.” He says bitterly. Shadis nods at him to follow them, as the men all turn around and start walking back to where they have come from. Darlett goes with them too. 

Just before joining them Erwin looks both at Levi and then at Mike. 

“Keep an eye on him in the meantime, alright?” 

“Sure.” Erwin nods and looks at Levi for the last time. 

He doesn’t look back.  
  


***

 

Erwin storms out of the room with patience and neutrality showing on his face, when, in reality, he’s just incredibly annoyed. They have all spent two hours talking about Levi and what to do about him, his behavior, his background and his relation with Erwin, as if that was most important thing to discuss. But, apparently, it was. And Shadis, who knew about their plan and Levi’s real identity, hasn’t even stopped this from happening. 

They asked Darlett what the matter had been, but of course he hasn’t replied honestly. He just said Levi snapped, which Erwin doesn’t believe in the slightest, and attacked him. Darlett also added how that wasn’t the first time and Erwin’s had to refrain from rolling his eyes in the room. Instead, he tried to disagree, but he also knew he couldn’t really seem to be too much on Levi’s side, it wouldn’t look right, he’s a criminal. And it’s not like he truly is, he’s not an idiot, but he doesn’t trust Darlett on this. 

Shadis only seemed too scared to say anything, and Erwin had been asked so many questions he didn’t even know what to say at one point. 

As soon as he gets out and away from them he speeds up and tries to find a place to be alone. His office will do just fine, he doesn’t even want to talk to Darlett or Shadis. He doesn’t want to hear anyone for a while, is that too much to ask? Erwin always has to have this stoic, perfect mask on at all times, but sometimes, and more than once, he gets angry too. He just can’t show it, doesn’t want to, which both bothers him and makes him feel safer somehow. 

When he reaches for his office he collapses down on his chair and runs one hand through his blond thin hair. He sighs deeply, trying to calm himself down by breathing slowly and with a studied rhythm. Words from the meeting echo in his head loud and clear: Levi is useless, Levi is dangerous, Levi has killed one titan quickly and with perfect technique but it doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to do that all the time, Levi is not essential, Levi must be controlled, Levi can’t just pick up fights whenever he wants. Levi has no military training, Levi is a true criminal and it’s a miracle already if he’s there with them. 

Erwin shakes his head and rubs his eyes, his breath still trying to settle. He has tried to tell them how important Levi was, instead, but no one heard him. Better yet, no one believed him. Only because he has punched a couple of people, so what? Erwin is frustrated both with them and Levi, why couldn’t he behave? But this is not the point and he knows Levi is not there to intentionally join them, it’s painful to keep reminding himself that. He also knows that what Levi has done to Darlett… it couldn’t have been just because he wanted pick up a fight. Something must have happened.

After two hours Erwin had managed to convince them all not to send him away, but there was a catch. 

A loud knock on the door wakes him up from his irritated thinking.

“Come in.” He says, clearing his throat and trying to sound as normal as possible. 

“Erwin,” Mike enters and there is something off in his expression. “we have a problem.” Erwin frowns and cocks his head. What now? 

“Levi’s gone.” 

“What?” Images of someone telling Levi to leave start adding up in his head. Who did this? Didn’t they just agree Levi would stay? But Mike brings him back in time. 

“I was watching him one second and when I turned around… He was gone just like that, Erwin. I looked everywhere but I can’t find him.” 

“What do you mean he was gone just like that?” Erwin’s eyes widen, but he feels relieved, too.

“You were supposed to be watching him.” Erwin raises his voice once he realizes completely the meaning of Mike’s words. 

He doesn’t want to raise his voice, but this is seriously the last thing he needed. If Levi just goes away then they will have a real reason to let him stay out. Besides, he needs him. He needs Levi because even though everyone else can’t see -or is too blind to- how useful he is, he does. He knows. And they are not finished, anyway, even though that doesn’t matter because this can’t be personal. Erwin sighs again and stands up. 

“What about his quarters?” 

“His stuff is still there.” 

“Mh. That means he’s probably coming back. Soldiers here are not exactly prisoners…” Maybe he’s just gone for a walk. Yes, sure. Erwin almost wants to slap his own face to hope such thing. As if Levi would just go for a walk at a time like that, but why not? He has no idea, and he bothers him so much because he always knows. 

“They aren’t, but he’s not a usual soldier. He shouldn’t go around like that, and we both know it. Look, I’m sorry I didn’t see him but-” 

“Don’t apologize. I know it’s him, not you.” Erwin manages to calm down, thinking logically and not with what he feels. Mike is one of the best soldiers he knows, one of the best people, and if Levi has sneaked away from him it’s surely not Mike’s fault. He’s just smarter and quicker than he looks. Not that Erwin has ever had any doubt about that. 

“Thank you.” Mike says and they exchange a quick understanding stare.

“So what do we do now?” He asks, and Erwin sits down again, exhausted. 

“First of all, we don’t tell anyone.”

“And then?”

“Then we wait. There is not much we can do, who knows where he might have gone.” 

“Don’t you have any idea?” 

Erwin looks up, surprised by Mike’s words. “You’re the one who knows him best.” 

“Not anymore.” He replies, voice low and thoughtful. The only idea he has is that Levi might have gone back to the forest… but that’s so far and he wouldn’t have left his things here. Except for that, he doesn’t know where Levi is. How could he? 

“Alright.” Mike says, heading towards the door. “I hope he comes back, for your sake.” 

“He will.” 

“How can you be so sure?” 

“He still has to kill me.” Erwin replies with a sad, tight smile, not the best way to reassure his friend. Mike shakes his head and lets out a short nervous giggle, then he nods and leaves the room. 

Erwin spends most of the night in his office, not even bothering to get up and head for his own room. The idea of being alone in that cold lonely room makes him cringe and the familiarity of his office makes him feel better. But then something starts annoying him, he begins pacing up and down and the thought of Levi being gone forever, again, just can’t leave his mind. It’s true that he believes he will come back, but he has also learned never to get his hopes up. Better a non-existent expectation than a disappointment later. 

No matter what, though, he decides the air in there is too heavy and he can’t bear it. Maybe the cold of his quarters will actually help him. He heads there and when he enters everything is exactly the same, as empty and dull as always, nothing to show it’s his room. It could be anyone’s room. But when he paces towards the bed and sits down, opening his night table’s drawer, it’s then that he knows that’s his room. 

He takes Levi’s doll out and he feels like a teenage, desperate girl for the gesture, but he can’t help but find comfort in watching it, feeling it in his hands. It makes it feel real, what he and Levi once had, what they could have again one day. It convinces him to stay and fight with him. Everyone thinks he’s crazy for it, but he’s ambitious about it just as he is with his mission against the titans. He believes in this, and he just wishes Levi could see that too. 

But he has done what he has done… and forgiveness isn’t free. Erwin doesn’t know how to get that, but he can try. All he needs is for Levi to come back, for now.

He sighs and places the doll back where it was, closing the drawer with an exasperated jerk. He flops on the bed and looks up at the ceiling, suddenly he closes his eyes and he’s in the forest again. He remembers good moments, Levi’s happy face and peaceful afternoons spent together. His heart skips a beat when his mind, inevitably, jumps to the worst part of if all. The end of their friendship and Erwin is not sure but it has never felt so real and vivid in all those years. It’s like he can see it all over again, the blood, Levi’s red eyes, Farlan and Isabel’s bodies dead on the ground, the rain, the darkness of the night. He sees and he feels the panic and the fear he had felt once and it’s too much. His eyes snap open and a drop of sweat slides over his forehead. 

His heart is loud now, and he can hear the blood pumping in his ears. When he brings one hand up to his face he notices it’s shaking, and he can’t stop it. He frowns, confused and surprised, staring at it as he wonders why this is happening, why now. Isn’t this a bit late? It’s not like he never thinks about it but this is new, and he doesn’t like it. He breathes in and out until logic comes back to him and he sits up, deciding it’s for the best if he just sleep for once. 

 

***

 

It’s not until the next sunset colors the world of a soft gold and darkness shadows it again that Levi comes back. Nothing has happened during the day and Erwin has pretended, for both his and Levi’s sake, that Levi was in his office half of the times. Shadis would have been upset knowing he was gone, and so he avoided him as much as he could. Darlett, he didn’t even ask where he was, happy that he didn’t have to deal with him.

This time it’s Hange who knocks and steps into Erwin’s office, without even waiting for a reply. 

“Erwin!” Startled, he looks up and he relaxes as soon as he sees it’s just her. 

“Yes?” 

“Guess who has honored us with their presence again?” He raises his blond eyebrows. 

“Your friend is back.” She finishes in a big smile, at least that’s comforting.

“You mean Levi, don’t you?” He asks, just to be sure. For all he knows, being Hange, it could have been a titan. 

“Yes, of course I’m talking about Levi! Silly man.” She giggles.

“Where is he?” 

“Oh, just outside talking with Mike.” 

“Isn’t that right?” 

She nods confidently. “Yep. I hope he’s not being too hard on him, poor guy.” 

“Poor guy?” Erwin asks amused and interested by Hange’s comment. “Do you know what he’s done, right?” 

“Ah-a. Don’t really care, if you ask me it was about time someone would teach Darlett’s a lesson. Don’t get me wrong I like him and all but he’s a real asshole sometimes.” 

Erwin’s eyes widen and for a second he’s completely speechless. But then again, it’s Hange and she just says what she thinks every time. He smiles suppressing a small snort and nods, standing up and following her as they step outside. 

“So what are you going to tell him?” She asks with her usual loud excited voice. 

“I have a few ideas.”

“Do you really think talking will change anything?” 

“No.” 

“Then what are you going to tell him?” 

Erwin looks at her and smiles again, even though he doesn’t like the idea more than Levi will too. Or at least he isn’t the one who has come up with it. 

“You will notice, I think.” 

“Ohhh. Well, in that case I’ll leave him to you.” 

“Why, what would you tell him?” 

“Me?” She giggles, jumping as she walks and waving her hands in front of herself. “I don’t count in these matters, if it was for me he could do whatever he wants as long as he helps us. Or me, oh if only I could use him to help me with the experiments.” 

“I’m not sure Levi is that much into science.” 

“Ah! But it’s not about that, I meant experimenting on him!”

“On him?” He asks surprised, but not really. Then Hange’s smile fades away and she looks serious.

“I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t be the first one doing so.” 

“What?” Erwin suddenly remembers Levi as an eight-year-old child with eyes red with blood and his voice screaming about those ‘big men’ Erwin never had the occasion to know about. But he can’t tell Hange, besides he’s curious to know what she thinks about the matter now. 

“Why do you say so?” 

“Haven’t you seen his arms?” Erwin nods, wondering when has she seen Levi’s arms anyway. 

“His eyes too, Erwin, Those eyes aren’t human I can’t believe nobody notices it. And his skills as a fighter are too good to be true.” 

Erwin is not sure about the fighting skills, but he just now realizes that his eyes may not be natural. He always thought they were simply different, not special because of something done to him. He looks down at Hange and wonders if she’s right. 

“If that’s true, I doubt he would be willing to participate in any of your experiments.” He says, and then Hange becomes her usual self again. 

She explodes in a loud laughter and reassures him. “Oh but I would never do anything bad to him! I’m just curious.” 

Erwin sees her looking ahead of her once they step outside the building, and his gaze follows hers. Both Levi and Mike are there, the taller man seems to be saying something as Levi barely pays attention.

“Go on now, go to talk to him.” She smiles and leaves after a brief salute. He paces towards and reaches them.

“Erwin, finally.” Mike salutes him and Levi does the same only after Mike stares at him with narrowed eyes. 

“When did he come back?” 

“Just now, I caught him out here and tried to tell him why he shouldn’t have done this.” 

“Do you know where he’s been?” Erwin asks, and Levi clears his throat. 

“You know I’m right here.” He says and both Erwin and Mike look down at him. Erwin’s eyebrows raise up as he addresses to him next. 

“Then, where have you been?” But Levi just shrugs and looks away. Erwin sees Mike rolling his eyes and clenching his fists, obviously annoyed. 

“Thank you, Mike. I’ll handle it from now on. You can go.” Mike looks at him frowning. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

“Alright, he’s all yours.” Mike says and leaves too, leaving them alone. 

It’s a cloudy evening and the light of the stars and the moon doesn’t reach them down there, Levi’s skin looks pale but not bright. Erwin observes him but he can’t find anything different from the usual, except for the fact that he looks just a little more tired. It’s not that strange, still not enough to let him guess where he’s been. Levi crosses his arms, bored and waiting, and looks up at him, and then Erwin’s stare lingers over his grey eyes and they aren’t grey. They’re silver, and Hange is right, they don’t look human. But Erwin is so fond of those eyes and connecting them with some cruel experiment breaks his heart. 

None of this shows on his face as he looks at him. 

“Well? Aren’t you going to tell me too how stupid getting away from this shithole was of me? Dangerous and irresponsible given my situation and all of that?” Levi says with an impatient voice and Erwin stops staring. 

“No.” He says, taking a step forward and looking ahead of him. “It seems like you already know that.” 

“So? Can I go now?” 

“Where have you been?” Erwin asks again, turning around and facing him again. 

“I’m not telling you.” 

“Why?”

“Cause it’s none of your fucking business. I don’t come and ask you how many times a day you take a shit, do I?” One of Erwin’s eyebrows arches, a small smirk appearing on his face. 

“Fine.” 

“Fine, what?”

“We’ll have it your own way.” 

“I don’t want anything. Especially not from you.” 

“Too bad.” 

Levi frowns and narrows his icy eyes. “What the hell does that mean?” 

“It means your behavior hasn’t gone unnoticed, and we all have decided to take some precautions about it.” Erwin begins, in a half-lie. He hasn’t decided it, he doesn’t really think this is the best way to deal with things or maybe he’s just nervous about Levi’s reaction. “You will stay with me as much as possible.” 

“What?” Levi snaps in the silence of the night.

“Where I go, you will follow. I won’t keep you with me all day but most of it, to keep an eye on you.”

“This is bullshit. All you do is staying in your office or- well I don’t even know what you do, I never gave enough of a fuck.” Erwin raises his eyebrows, because he knows Levi is lying. Not that the other man is personally interested in him but he knows he has been watching him. It’s Levi’s job.

“At least you won’t cause any troubles.” 

“You decided this?” Levi’s eyes narrow more.

“Not alone.”

“But you agreed.”

“Yes.” Erwin hesitates, locking his eyes with Levi’s. “I wouldn’t had to if you just-”

“I don’t give a shit what I had or didn’t have to do.” 

“And I don’t care about that either, it’s too late now.” 

“Too late?”

“What do you suggest?” Erwin tries. 

“I don’t know, for things to stay as they were. I don’t want to be your dog, you know, it was only a metaphor the other day.” Erwin almost smiles because Levi remembers their conversation. 

“You are not anyone’s dog.” 

“Then how about not doing this?” 

“You don’t have a choice in the matter.” Levi looks pissed and on the verge of exploding, again.

“What about practice, huh? You say I need to learn how to work together with the others but how am I supposed to do that if I sit my ass down all day in your office while I watch you doing whatever it is that you do?” 

“Don’t worry, you will have the time for practice. Either with me or Mike being there, you won’t be alone.” 

“No.” 

“No, what?” 

“Fuck this, I’m not doing it. I don’t want you or that alive nose around.” 

“I already told you, you can’t choose.” 

“What if I don’t behave?” Levi asks, putting lots of sarcasm on the last word, the one Erwin keeps saying to him. Erwin looks at him for a long moment.

“Either that or being locked up in the cell in the dungeon, if not worse.” 

Levi’s eyes widen in disgust and horror. Erwin is opposed to the idea too, if it counts, an idea proposed by stupid men who don’t know what they are talking about. He remember how Levi had reacted that first night, and keeping him locked up feel more like torture than anything, and just the beginning of it. 

“You can’t do that.” 

“Have you forgotten that you are not exactly innocent? It would take us nothing to reveal your true identity.” 

“So what?”

“Levi, take the deal.” 

“I don’t like this deal.” He hisses and steps forward Erwin, their bodies closer now.

“I never said you have to like it.” 

“Do you?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Erwin swallows, but he keeps his gaze serious and steady. This could be a chance to talk more, to hurry their uneasy situation up and convince him to stay for real, forever. 

“Whatever.” Levi says eventually, looking away from him and Erwin suddenly misses the silver of his eyes. He twists his mouth in dislike, but there is not much he can do about this. 

“Is that a yes?” 

“I don’t want to stay in that cell.” 

Erwin nods, but then he feels like he should add something else. 

“You could always leave.” 

“What?” Levi’s head snaps up and Erwin’s chest feels heavier. Words he doesn’t want to say are on the tip of his tongue. “After all the mess you’ve done because I just left for one stupid day, you tell me I can leave?” 

“Yes, if it’s what you truly want.” 

“What about the whole ‘being exposed as a famous dangerous criminal’ thing?” 

Erwin thinks about it for a second. 

“I could cover for you.” 

Levi laughs, then, and it sounds bitter and angry and empty. Everything but a real laughter of joy. 

“Such a noble gesture.” 

Erwin frows and tilts his head, he’s not joking. 

“I already told you, you could have left already.” Instead of being proud and superior, this time Erwin means it. It doesn’t matter whether he wants him to stay or not. “There’s no point if you stay and don’t follow the rules.” 

“Fuck the rules. What rules, anyway? Not punching assholes in the face? I don’t think that’s written anywhere.” Erwin smirks despite everything, finding Levi’s comment appropriate thinking about certain people. He wishes Levi could go to the Capital and behave that way with the people who truly deserve it. 

Levi waits then, when silence falls for a tense moment. 

“But you have your reasons to stay, don’t you?” Erwin reminds him, and Levi’s eyes fly up to his face once again.

“Yes. But I never asked to become what you want me to be.” 

“Levi, I never wanted you to be someone you’re not.” There is a sparkle of true honesty flaring behind Erwin’s blue eyes. Levi doesn’t say anything. His jaw clenches and a strand of black hair falls over his pale forehead, partially hiding his beautiful face. He’s frowning, his lips slightly parted, as if he wanted to tell Erwin something more but couldn’t.

“Fine.” 

Erwin smiles at the sound of Levi’s low, hostile voice. It’s obvious he’s costing him more than just pride as he agrees to this, but Erwin is not planning on making this hard on him, it all depends on how he decides to play this. 

“I hope you won’t hate me too much for this.” Erwin says, calmer now. 

“Don’t worry,” Levi’s lips form a cruel smile, which looks both perfect and wrong over his young face. “I already do.” 

  
  


***

 

The next day, much to Erwin’s surprise, Levi is already in his office when he first comes in. Seated on the small sofa, legs crossed, chin up and arms leaning up over the headboard, he gives him a piercing look as soon as he steps in the room. Erwin raises his eyebrows in disbelief and then his mind runs to the previous night, to Levi’s last words. After that Levi had simply left and Erwin had remained alone with the hatred of Levi’s voice echoing in his head, hurting him against his will. 

Levi hated him, and Erwin hated that he had done something so terrible to deserve that. But he never looked for justifications, he knew Levi was right. He hates him just as Erwin hates the people who killed his father, and thinking about that makes him realize just how much Levi must be controlling himself around him. Erwin would have killed him already, leaving every logic apart. He wouldn’t care, not in front of his father’s killers, even though he deals with them almost every day. The only difference is that he doesn’t know their exact names, whereas Levi has faced him every day for a while now and still hasn’t done anything about it. Erwin is almost proud of him, or maybe Levi just doesn’t feel as he says. He doesn’t know. 

“Well?” Erwin says, expecting Levi to get up and salute him properly. If he’s going to stay there with him every day he should at least teach him to react naturally to formal things like these. But Levi only narrows his eyes and cocks his head to the side. Erwin sighs, knowing Levi won’t stand up.

“How did you get in?” He asks instead, because his office is usually locked. 

“Magic.” Levi says sarcastically, rolling his eyes, but Erwin is still waiting for an answer as he closes the door behind him and starts heading for his desk. 

“How did you think I became the most famous criminal? By not knowing how to unlock doors?” Levi scoffs and Erwin has to admit he’s right, nodding his head to the side to himself. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to be here already.” Erwin simply replies, finally sitting down on his comfortable chair. 

“I figured I could save you the trouble of sending someone else getting me.” 

“Right, thank you.” 

Levi clicks his tongue, obviously against the gratitude. 

Erwin starts organizing all the papers and documents he needs to work on for the day. Before he starts though, he looks up and finds Levi glaring at him. He frowns, confused and almost embarrassed for a moment. 

“Well I… I need to work now, I appreciate it if you keep quiet.” 

“What am I going to do, sing to the birds?” 

“Can you sing?” Erwin asks without even thinking about it before opening his mouth, genuinely curious. He has no idea where that came from, but that’s what Levi has always done to him, make him curious. Levi’s body stiffens and then he grimaces. 

“I can kill a man in less than five seconds.” 

“Fair enough.” Erwin replies to Levi’s snap before bending his head down ready to isolate himself. He believes Levi, too.

“You’re still so fucking weird…” Levi whispers to himself but Erwin hears the words. He frowns as he looks down at words he’s not even begun to read yet. It’s strange, Levi has never called him that. In fact, Levi has always been the only one who never even looked at him as if he was weird, so where does that come from? It kind of annoys Erwin to know that Levi thinks that of him, but then again he’s probably right.

The first two hours go by undisturbed, Erwin manages to stop thinking about Levi’s comment and works as he’s always done. Everything goes fine, until Erwin starts feeling like something is wrong. When he brings his blond head up he finds Levi staring at him, and it’s clear he’s been doing that for a while because his eyes feel like fire over his skin, like he’s trying to get inside him and tear him apart from inside out. 

“What is it?” He asks eventually, when the staring becomes gradually unbearable. 

“Nothing.” 

“This will be easier if you tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Nothing’s wrong.” But Levi’s leg is shaking and he looks like… like an animal in a cage. 

“Levi-” 

“Open the window.” He asks, more like orders, as his voice gets impatient. 

“It’s cold outside.” 

“Do I look like I care?” 

“I do.” 

“God, do you have to be such a jerk?” Levi says not really caring about insulting Erwin. Erwin doesn’t too, but Levi should learn to moderate his language. He wonders if that’s his fault, for teaching him swear words that far away day, but then again, Levi would have learned anyway. 

“Why?” 

“Why, what?” Levi bites. 

“Why do you have problems with closed spaces?” 

“Fuck you.” 

Erwin widens his eyes, because Levi getting upset is not a good way to start this whole deal, and decides to stand up and open the window. 

“Happy?” 

“Very.” Levi takes a deep breath and he seems to relax on the sofa as soon as cool air fills the room up and it smells like trees and cold, not only books and old furniture. Erwin must admit the air isn’t that bad. 

Several minutes more pass, but Erwin still wants to know. When he looks at Levi he has his head resting against the sofa behind him and his eyes closed. He looks almost at peace, chest rising up and down slowly, leg not shaking anymore. The mild light of the sun coming from the open window colors his face of a faint pink that makes him look like an old painting. His profile stands out against the light, his features sharp as ever. The white necktie covering fading scars that Erwin can’t help but look at. 

Despite that, he looks more alive than usual as the wind gently moves his raven-black hair; he looks like he did in Erwin’s memories and he doesn’t even notice when he finds himself staring at him for more than five silent, quiet minutes. 

“Will you tell me?” He says, breaking the silence. Levi stays still as he opens his eyes and looks sideways towards him. 

“Tell you what?” 

“The reason you don’t like closed spaces. Besides, my office isn’t really that small.” 

“Why do you care?” 

“I want to know.” 

Levi comes away from the sofa and leans his elbows against his knees. He turns his head and narrows his biting eyes, looking directly at Erwin, making him shiver. 

“I agreed to stay wherever you are, I never said I would talk or answer your questions. So shut the fuck up already and do what you have to do.” 

“You know, don’t you, that you really shouldn’t be talking to me that way?” Erwin says, even though he’s more amused by the constant swearing than offended. 

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t care about a lot of things.” Erwin can’t help it. 

“Yeah, guess why.” 

Erwin stays silent because he knows the answer is going to involve him somehow. As much as he likes to play this game with Levi, he doesn’t need to feel more guilty than usual already.

Erwin decides not to say anything more and when lunch time comes he feels like, for once, joining Mike and the others in the dining hall. When he stands up Levi is still in the same position as before, only his legs uncrossed now. When he sees him sitting there without moving he doesn’t question it, he can stay, besides he needs to get away from him for a bit. This is why he didn’t want this, Levi makes him feel things that confuse him. He can’t trust himself around him.

Just before stepping out the now opened door, Levi talks, making Erwin turn and listen. 

“It reminds me of bad moments.” He almost whispers the answer to Erwin’s previous question, looking at the window instead of Erwin. 

Erwin nods, pressing his lips tight together, and leaves the room with Levi in it. Bad moments… he wonders if Levi will ever tell him one day what that means. But for now? That’s enough, already more than he could have wished for. Maybe having Levi there won’t be that bad, not if he’ll get to learn more about him. Except for the fact that he has to be careful not to get suddenly killed, that is. 

 

***

 

A few more days pass by and nothing truly happens, not that Erwin was expecting to. Levi is there every morning before him, and when he enters his office he’s not even surprised to find him there anymore. He still locks the door every night before going to his room, but Levi manages to unlock it every time. Erwin could stop, it wouldn’t make any difference. 

Autumn comes and goes, like Erwin’s unnoticed birthday, which only Mike, Hange and Nanaba remember, and suddenly the air is cooler and people start staying more inside than outside. It’s not entirely winter yet, but it’s just behind the door. Despite this, Erwin doesn’t stop opening his office’s window for Levi. He doesn’t even notice it anymore, appreciating the fresh air more than he thought. Levi is calm most days, he just sits on the small sofa. Sometimes Erwin feels him staring and he’s often tempted to raise his eyes up and look back… but he doesn’t. Other times Erwin watches him with the corner of his eye and see how Levi seems to be studying every inch of his office, especially his desk. He’s looking for places where the documents might be, but if Levi is there every morning before him it means he must have looked already, although Erwin never notices any change at all. 

Erwin is not keeping them there, actually the documents don’t even exist for real. And the fake copy he has he keeps it with him all the time, which Levi must have figured already, because sometimes he looks at him dangerously and it seems like he might get closer and closer just to beat Erwin up, steal the papers and run. But Levi doesn’t do any of those things. 

As Erwin has reassured him Levi gets to practice too, and as he told him either he or Mike are always there to keep an eye on him. Mostly Mike, though, because Erwin is too busy and even though the deal is that Levi must stay with him at all times he can’t force him to sit down all day. When they practice he still has problem behaving, he snaps back and eventually no one wants to spar with him anymore because he either finishes them off in less than a minute or they end up in the infirmary with serious wounds. Erwin, he will never say it, is kind of proud of Levi for this. Not for the snapping or the sudden violence, but he surely can’t help but admire his strength and skills. He was right all along. 

One early morning, earlier than usual, Erwin wakes up in a bad mood. It happens to him too, and dreams of the previous night running behind his eyes don’t help him at all. Things with his formation plan are still going slowly and although his mind should be occupied by so many other things, he just keeps thinking about Levi, who makes him feel hope and irritation at the same time. The dreams don’t help because they are all about him. He dreams about Levi as an adult, as a criminal, as a perfect soldier, as a child and as his friend. But mostly he dreams of reaching out to him and Levi running away, making Erwin feel completely rejected and confused. As he would a long time before, as he did the first time Levi wouldn’t talk to him just because he hadn’t showed up for a few weeks. 

Erwin is in a bad mood because when did he ever tell his brain that he wanted to reach out to Levi? Yes, it’s true, he wants them to get along and he wants Levi to behave to stay and help him in his important cause. He wants, if possible, to regain his trust and become his friend but that is all in sight of a professional relationship. In his dreams, when he reaches out, it’s nothing like that. Erwin wants to touch him, comfort him and being comforted. Erwin reaches out for more than friendship, something between forgiveness and care, something like what he would feel as a kid and more. Which doesn’t make sense to him at all, because even though he wants all of this he always pushes the thought away and tells himself he can’t afford such feelings. He doesn’t deserve any of that. 

He honestly has no idea when those thoughts have become so insistent when before he could just shrug them off and think of Levi as a mere weapon only. He has been confused ever since Levi’s return but this is worse; what if he can’t keep it under control? He guesses it’s because of Levi’s constant presence and his stare always lingering over him that he feels the way he does. When Levi doesn’t look, Erwin finds himself staring too. Most of the time that happens it’s during practice hours, or in the dining hall where he watches him eating alone with his black hair down, keeping everyone away. Levi seems to look back more times than he usually does, but it doesn’t bother Erwin. If anything it makes his mind shut down and focus on his silver eyes only, nothing besides them. 

When he reaches his office as usual he finds it still locked. He looks down, raising his eyebrows in surprise and opens the door. The room is empty, the window is closed and there is no sign of Levi anywhere. It must be really early. Still angry with himself and his later confusing feelings he sighs deeply and sits down without any kind of elaborate rite. He feels exhausted, like he hasn’t slept in weeks. Not that far from the truth, anyway. 

He starts organizing the paperwork of that day, taking reading glasses from his desk’s drawer and placing them over his nose. Time stretches on and soon enough Levi opens the door and enters the office. Erwin almost jumps from the sudden noise, for once too focused on his work to notice anything else, and when his eyes fall over Levi’s face the other man is wearing an almost surprised expression on his face. 

“Ah.” He only says, when he looks back at Erwin, acknowledging the fact that Erwin has been there before him. 

Levi closes the door behind him and goes to sit on the sofa, as always, as Erwin watches his movements. Levi looks just as unreadable as always but the sight of him makes Erwin calm down, even though he’s the reason of all his contrasting emotions. But Levi has always managed to calm him down, like muted reassurance. It’s not something Erwin was expecting but he doesn’t mind since he never liked being in a bad mood especially when he could influence his own work. 

“Good morning.” Erwin says in a bland voice, staring a second too longer and going back to his reading before Levi can look back. But Levi glares at him anyway, more insistently than usual, and Erwin feels forced to look up and tilt his head to the side in usual questioning. 

“Have you slept well?” He tries for normal conversation but Levi doesn’t seem to care at all. He sees him narrowing his eyes in a studying slit, until he speaks. 

“You’re not usually here this early. Not unless you sleep in your office without even bothering going to sleep in a real bed.” He comments and Erwin’s face stays the same. What should he do of that? It doesn’t take a genius to notice such a thing… maybe he is still a bit cranky. It’s so unusual he doesn’t know what he should do about that either. 

“Your point being?” He asks calmly, despite his mood. He’s not showing it, not to Levi at least.

“Why are you here this early?”

“Why do you ask? I thought you weren’t here for pointless conversation.” Erwin raises his chin down slightly, looking at Levi from beyond his narrow glasses on the tip of his nose. 

“Or did you want the room all for yourself?” He implies, knowing Levi won’t admit anything anyway. 

“Maybe I’m concerned.” Levi says but he sounds empty, and completely sarcastic too, which doesn’t impress Erwin at all. 

Maybe it amuses him as much as he bothers him, because he does nothing but keep worrying about Levi and the other man doesn’t even seem to care. But why should he? Erwin is being stupid and irrational and they are not there for this. He is there to recruit him as a soldier and Levi is there to steal and kill, and then, if all of that fails, to stay as a loyal member of the Corps. Nothing more.

Erwin looks at him for a second more and bends his head down again, leaving the subject alone. None of the things he’s reading are actually interesting, but as long as they keep him busy it’s fine. It’s more than fine, it’s a relief. 

“I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Levi says out of the blue after several silent minutes. 

Erwin stops reading and looks up, drawing his eyebrows together in surprise and confusion for the unusual interest in his appearance. 

“They help me reading when I’m more tired than usual.” Erwin explains simply enough. Levi, with his arm stretched out on the headboard as always, nods slightly and makes an impassive face. 

“Can I try them on?” He asks and this time Erwin’s face transform from indifferent to almost shocked. 

Levi’s eyes don’t look any different than usual and there is nothing in his body language that tells Erwin that’s something is wrong. But it must be, because when and why would Levi ever ask such a thing? Almost like a kid asking to play with a toy. 

“No.” Erwin replies, just as he would with a child, after the first moment of incredulity. Levi only rolls his eyes along with his head, letting it fall against the sofa behind him. He grumbles loudly and Erwin frowns, not sure how to read this.

“If you’re that tired then why are you here before usual?” Levi asks, his head still leant against the couch and his eyes looking absently up. 

“It’s nothing I can’t handle.” Erwin says and after a moment he decides to investigate. “Why are you so talkative today?” 

“Huh? What, just because I ask two stupid questions I must want to talk a lot?” 

“Well, usually you don’t say anything and just wait to get out of here.” 

Levi moves his head away from the headboard and tilts it enough to look at Erwin’s sidelong. He sighs with slight annoyance before replying. 

“I’m bored.” Erwin’s eyes widen at the honesty of that. Not that it is so strange to hear, he has guessed that long ago. Levi just never did anything about it. 

“And you ask me about my glasses?” Levi shrugs and Erwin is careful not to upset him more than he already constantly is.

“There are a few books here, you can read them.” He suggest, but Levi only looks at him and his thin eyebrows come together in more frustration.

“Ah.” Erwin realizes, Levi can’t read. “You could always-” 

“Nothing. I have nothing to do, this is complete bullshit and I’ll keep saying it until it’s clear enough for the whole world.” 

Levi starts fidgeting with his hands and he looks like he’s starting to sweat a little. His eyes flick from the door to Erwin and then Erwin takes a deep breath. As he does so he notices how thick the air is, he turns his head to the side and sees the window is closed. 

“Open the window.” Erwin says, but it’s not an order, more like a friendly suggestion to placate him. 

Levi’s head snap towards the window and he gets up in a nervous jerk before taking a few steps and finally letting fresh cold air entering the small room. Levi breathes in. He starts turning around again to go back to the sofa but Erwin stops him. 

“You can stand by the window if you want.” Erwin says and Levi looks surprised at first, then relieved, and then his expression goes back to be empty as always. 

Erwin kind of hates it how Levi never lets anything show, but then again he’s not that different. He just wishes Levi wouldn’t be like that around him but what is he wishing that for? Levi owes him nothing, and Erwin keeps forgetting he hates him. He wants to kill him. He’s there for business only and this is all fake. Except Levi’s boredom, that’s real and frustrating for the man, he imagines.

“Just promise me you won’t climb out of it, though.” Erwin finishes, wanting to go back to his work after an half joke he didn’t even want to say, but Levi doesn’t leave him alone. 

“Still convinced I can fly, Smith?” Levi asks crossing his arms and leaning against the wall just beside the open window. 

Erwin looks up at him and his brows lift up, he never expected Levi to call him by his last name, but it’s obvious he really doesn’t want to say his first one. Erwin presses his lips together but then he lets his body relax, telling himself it’s useless to dwell on it. Especially since Levi’s comment makes him remember of old fond days when Erwin would watch him spring through the tall trees in complete wonder, as if he could actually fly. 

“I’m not sure I ever doubted that.” Levi doesn’t seem to even notice the strange compliment and looks down the window for a moment, before going back to his previous position. 

“Even I can’t jump from here without breaking a leg.” He scoffs, Erwin feels like smiling at that but he doesn’t. 

“I said climb down, not jump.” He clears his throat and since Levi is in a talkative mood he guesses he can indulge him for a bit. “I know I did once or twice.” 

“Why the fuck would you climb down the window of your own office?” Levi frowns, tilting his lips down in a confused and annoyed grimace.

“It wasn’t always my office. It was commander Shadis’ office before he moved to a larger one and left this room to me when I became squad leader.” Erwin says looking ahead of him, remembering the day he got his own office. 

How stupidly proud he had felt in that moment, as if such a small dirty room would have made any difference. But at least he could study and work alone and in peace.

Levi frowns more and Erwin sees the obvious question rising in his eyes.

“I used to get in trouble once, and sometimes I didn’t want to deal with the consequences, not when they only involved clean duties and useless scolding. And so I would climb down and decide it wasn’t worth it.” Erwin feels weird saying these things to him, as if he was just normally chatting and catching up with an old friend. A real one who didn’t want to hurt him. The ease and honesty of his own words coming out of his mouth shock him too, he never talks that much about his personal life, sometimes not even with Mike. Besides, Mike already knew all of this. 

“I don’t believe it.” Levi says, uncrossing his arms. 

“You? Getting in trouble and not dealing with it, not kissing anyone’s ass?” Erwin wonders where that came from, he doesn’t do that. He just agrees with his superiors when it’s more convenient, nothing more. 

“Yes. Is that so strange?” Erwin asks genuinely curious to hear Levi’s opinion on this.

“You’re mister perfection, all rules and discipline so yes, it’s strange.” Levi smirks down at him but there is nothing but emptiness and sarcasm in it, not actual pleasantness coming from the conversation. It’s another thing that bothers Erwin, how Levi never actually smiles. When he does it’s either numb or cruel. He remembers how much he liked to see Levi’s smile, he sighs internally and listens to him continue. 

“I can’t imagine you being, what, a bad boy?” But then something else, a sudden memory and realisation, flashes behind Levi’s silver eyes. “But then again, I guess you actually were. Still having fun with pretty boys in dark alleys?” 

Erwin’s eyes don’t hide his surprise now and in the matter of a split second Erwin knows what Levi is talking about. The day before his eighteenth birthday, when he saw Levi again for the first time after years, when he was with that other boy… what was his name? Erwin doesn’t even remember, it was a long time ago. His gaze widen. 

“So you remember that day after all. I didn’t imagine it.” Erwin says more to himself than to Levi. 

“I remember a lot of things.” Levi says in sharp tone. Erwin shoots a look of warning at Levi then, who doesn’t seem to catch it at all. 

“So what changed?” Levi asks away and Erwin sighs. He straightens his back and look seriously at Levi.

“I grew up and faced my responsibilities, I couldn’t stay that way forever anyway. I was just a reckless boy.” He admits. 

It’s not entirely true, because he still cared about the Survey Corps, the titans, the expedition and his main goal back then, he just wasn’t ready to take it as a full time job yet. He was still frustrated and angry because all of the things that had happened to him, or that he had done. But Erwin has changed considerably since then, Levi could have asked anyone. And just like him, a lot of people would never have believed that Erwin wasn’t exactly a real example of discipline and order. 

“And what are you now?” Levi asks, as if the information was crucial to him. 

“I don’t know.” Erwin says looking down as the desk. 

Levi is the only man who will ever hear him be so sincere, probably. Erwin would like to say he’s a man now, that he knows what he’s doing and if most of the times that’s true, there is always a part of him utterly confused and in constant panic. What if he does something wrong? What if he’s not ready? What if he’s going to be a lousy commander? What if he will never make it, disappoint himself, his father and the whole humanity. 

Erwin is often convinced he has to bear all the problems of the world he lives in, as if he was all his fault. It’s irrational and he knows it, but the weight of it crashes him at night and makes him doubt himself more times anyone would think. So Erwin can’t say it, he’s not a man. A real man wouldn’t think those things, he would face his fate and do what he has to do. Erwin is more like the idea of the man he wants and has to be, an idea everyone must believe in. Ideas don’t disappoint, men always do.

Levi nods and looks away outside the window. He looks like he’s thinking about Erwin has said, and Levi has no idea what’s going on in his mind about that. Actually, he never has any idea on what’s going on in Levi’s mind. Levi moves from the window and slumps onto the couch. 

“Those glasses make you look like a fucking creeping old man, anyway.” He says, making Erwin’s mouth part as he wasn’t expecting that at all, before silence falls over them again. 

Levi doesn’t talk to him all day long after that.   
  


***

 

If there’s something Levi seems to enjoy is working out, what he seems more uncomfortable about is training with others. Erwin already knows this, but after their conversation the other day Levi seems to behave worse than before. And so Mike convinces Erwin to actually participates, although Erwin knows it’s probably his fault if Levi is like that. Whose else could it be? Erwin imagines Mike knows that too but he’s just too tired to deal with Levi alone since, his complete hostility aside, he seems to only listen to him. Something more to confuse him

It’s difficult to concentrate in the cold air outside but everyone tries their best no matter what. It’s difficult to deal with Levi’s comes back as freezing wind cuts Erwin’s bones and makes his brain hurt. Levi doesn’t even seem to mind, which makes everyone else more annoyed than usual. There is a reason if they train outside, because titans don’t wait for the weather to nice and warm, and Erwin is used to it despite how his body feels. 

Erwin’s favorite moments are when they practice with the fake titans, seeing Levi flying in the gear like that makes him forget about everything else. His grace, his form as he rolls in the air and lands on the near branches as if he was a second nature, they are unbelieving. Levi looks so beautiful when he fights, wind flowing through his dark hair, the light and the shadows of the trees around giving him a mysterious look Erwin can’t get out of his mind. He notices his strong arms as he uses the blades to cut the wooden Titan’s nape open and his face as he does it, focused and as if nothing else mattered. Erwin watches him and Levi blinds him, like staring straight to the sun, which is everything Levi shouldn’t make him feel. 

But there are moments when Erwin is not so blind, when he sees Levi for the man he is now and gets angry about it. Erwin keeps scolding him for not working with the others, he keeps telling him to stop insulting every single person he talks to, and sometimes exasperation hits him harder than usual. Erwin feels like a parent dealing with the rudest child, which Levi never was and Erwin knows that. 

Erwin never trains directly with the recruits, Levi included. He just watches them and tells them what they do wrong, or right. He helps them sometimes putting their gear on and balance themselves with it but nothing more. He never wants to intervene because there are actual trainers there to do that kind of job for him, but since he’s there he gives everyone a little hand. Mostly no one is happy to have Levi around, everyone either hates him (because he made it so easy for them to do so, from the first moment, but also because rumors are worse than actions) or is scared of him, which Erwin understands. But since Levi stays away from them during all of those hours of practice people tend to forget about his presence there after a while. Not Mike though, and especially not Erwin, who constantly looks at him with the corner of his eyes to see what he’s doing. 

One cloudy afternoon things go differently. The one who is supposed to train the youngest recruits, who still don’t have a place in the Corps and aren’t assigned to a specific squad so that they couldn’t rely on their own squad leaders, is sick. Levi refuses to go back to Erwin’s office for another five or six hours and Erwin decides he can take the trainer’s place for once. 

When he gathers everyone around they all seem to shake and tremble in intimidation. Erwin is known to have already an important role, so for those young kids is a shock to have him train them. He doesn’t understand what the fuss is all about, he’s just another squad leader like any other but he guesses people tend to be more scared of him than he thinks. Out of respect, though, not cruelty, violence and insults like Levi. At least that’s something positive to think about.

Erwin lets the training begin, deciding to go for simple hand-to-hand combat for that day. It doesn’t come much as a surprise that most of the recruits aren’t that good at it, but they have time and a lot of them seem to have considerable potential. Erwin sighs of relief thinking about it because that’s what they need, not suicidal kids who just want to face titans to brag about it to their friends. There are some people like that, too. Levi would call them useless brats, except he calls everyone else younger -and older- than him like that. 

He keeps a light eye on Levi as he explains to most of the kids simple moves, simple tactics they can use. One of them asks him what’s the point of this since they are supposed to fight giants, not humans, but Erwin is quick and very convincing to tell them people are, sometimes, more dangerous than what stays outside the walls. And he believes it, too. 

He notices another one of them, a little scared boy, approaching Levi. He raises his eyebrows and watches the scene as it develops. The boy has probably asked him to spar with him because Levi just waves it off and says something that looks like an insult on his lips. Erwin shakes his head, but his eyes stay over there since the boy seems to be quite insisting. Levi squints his eyes and sighs deeply, with an absent expression. 

Erwin is shocked to see Levi has actually accepted, but it’s not surprising at all when it takes Levi two movements to push the boy to the ground and make him pant hard, and in pain. Levi has probably hit a painful point, because the kid takes a moment before getting up again. Levi just stands there looking down at him, apparently waiting for him to make another move. 

Erwin observes them from afar as the others keep training by themselves, and watches Levi beating the kid down at least six times, even though he’s clearly holding back and doing this out of boredom. Erwin decides to intervene for the boy’s sake. 

“Levi, that’s enough.” He says calmly and when Levi notices him there he lifts his eyebrows and steps back. 

“What? Weren’t you the one who wanted me to work in team?” 

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean keep sending the other recruits to the ground without teaching them nothing.” Erwin explains and then he turns to the small boy, he smiles kindly at him. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Pft, what difference does that make? He sucks anyway.” Levi says interrupting him. The kid looks startled but Erwin pretends not to have heard Levi’s words, keeping himself from rolling his eyes. 

“It’s-” The boy clears his throat, trying to steady his frightened voice. “It’s Adrian, sir.” 

“Adrian.” Erwin repeats learning the kid’s name. “Why are you so scared to hit Levi?” 

“Wh-what?” Adrian looks even smaller than ever, thin blond hair sweating against his young forehead and an ugly mouth forming a tense grimace. 

“What are you talking about?” Levi snaps beside them. “He’s not afraid of hitting anyone, he’s just a weak idiot.” Erwin turns his head from Levi to Adrian, but then he smiles again.

“I don’t believe that’s quite true. Of course, you still need lots of training to get actually strong, but you are holding back. Just like Levi.” 

“He’s- He’s holding back?” 

“Can you stop stuttering? It’s annoying.” Levi says. “I’m holding back, yeah, sorry if I don’t want to kill you right away. I must be a terrible person.” The sarcasm in his voice makes Erwin smirk ever so slightly, but he shakes his head and focuses on the boy. 

“I was watching you two fight, and I’m sure you were holding back too. It seems like you know where to hit and when, but you are not going at him with all you have. I can assure you, you have no reason to be scared of actually hurting Levi.” 

“Thanks a lot.” Erwin sees Levi rolling his eyes. 

“I meant that as a compliment.” Erwin simply says, meaning it. Adrian doesn’t have to be scared because whatever he’s going to do Levi certainly wouldn’t get hurt. Far from it. He wouldn’t even with more experienced soldiers, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Levi doesn’t seem to react to Erwin’s comment, though. 

“I’m not- I’m not scared of hurting him. I’m scared of him hitting me back.” Adrian admits in one ashamed low whisper. 

Erwin raises his eyebrows in surprise and his smile grows wider. Adrian is not stupid at all, he probably has already figured it out that Levi could snap in front of the threat of a real fight, even if against a skinny weak boy. It’s not a question of who, more like what Levi will feel at that moment and no one, not even Erwin, can predict that. Erwin is proud of Adrian, though, because he has at least tried to engage into a fight with him.

“Why don’t you spar with me, just for a moment?” Erwin suggests and he sees Adrian shivering. 

“N-no, sir. I don’t think that’s right.” 

“Why not?”

“Well, what if… you could hurt me back too.” Oh, so maybe Adrian wasn’t only aware of Levi’s behavior. He is genuinely scared. 

“You know, you will have to get used to pain if you want to stay. This is not a painless life.” Erwin says serious, staring into Adrian’s eyes. 

“Come on, just for now, don’t think about that.” Erwin tries to make him braver. It doesn’t matter how scared he is, everyone is important and useful there. Numbers, unluckily, do count there. 

“I’m not sure I can fight that well.” 

“You don’t have to.” Erwin pauses. “Hit me with all you have and I won’t hit you back.” Everyone stays silent for a long moment, Erwin hears Levi breathing near them. 

“Trust me.” Erwin says, and Adrian’s face seems to lighten up. 

Erwin’s voice sounds decisive and honest, it inspires true trust and its confident and gentle tone would have convinced anyone. When Erwin’s eyes fly over Levi for just one second he sees his silver eyes widening in something he can’t quite register in such little time. Surprise? Disbelief? Anger? Erwin can’t tell because without any warning at all Adrian hits him.

It’s a quick but predictable blow over his ribs that Erwin manages to avoid easily. Adrian tries and tries again but Erwin always dodges his punches or kicks, without hitting back as he promised. It doesn’t last long, Adrian is out of breath soon enough. Erwin puts his hands down and stands straight in front of the boy. 

“Take a break.” 

Adrian nods and rests against his knees. “I completely sucked.”

“I agree.” Levi says, and Erwin is surprised he was still there watching them. 

“Ignore him. You didn’t manage to hit me but I noticed, this time, you meant it. That’s good, it’s still progress. You will get there.” Erwin says to reassure him. The boy seems to hesitate, but when Erwin smiles at him his mood seems to change. He seems almost proud, even if still embarrassed from his mistakes. 

“Thank you, sir.” Adrian says. 

“Go train with the others now.” Erwin says and Adrian seems to take it as a serious order as he salutes him properly and leaves all serious. 

“Do you enjoy raising their hopes up just to see them being disappointed later?” Levi asks him as he looks up at him with an uninterested face. 

“Why can’t you give anyone a chance? I’m not raising his hopes up, I’m encouraging him. And trying to teach him, something you could do too since you are obviously better than them.” Erwin’s words could be filled with sarcasm and irritation, but he means them all. His voice is calm and sincere, something that pisses Levi off quickly enough.

“What’s the point? They are all going to die at one point.” 

“That’s not enough of a reason to treat them like that.” 

“I don’t give a shit about how I treat them.”Levi snaps and looks like he has just a few minutes before when Erwin has asked Adrian to fight and trust him. Something is off, something is troubling Levi more than usual. 

“Want to know why I don’t give anyone a chance?” Levi asks stepping forward him, hissing his words like poison. But Erwin is not afraid of him, he’s curious. 

Levi opens his mouth to keep talking, but he seems to hesitate, lips parted and eyes narrowed. Erwin draws his eyebrows together, waiting for the answer. Levi’s face is closer than it should be and he uses all the control he has in him not think about what he sees in it. Levi shakes his head and turns around before actually doing something he could regret. He takes a few step forwards, getting away already and leaving Erwin behind, but then he stops and speaks up without turning back. 

“Look in the mirror, maybe you’ll find an answer there.” He says and walks away quickly. 

Erwin doesn’t move, swallowing hard and clenching his jaw. It feels like getting stabbed, again and again. Levi’s words stay with him and echo in his mind cruel and true, because he’s right. Erwin could reach for him and make Levi realize that even words have consequences, he could punish him, but what is the point? Levi is right. He’s right. 

Erwin turns around and tries not to think about it, but the more the tries to do so the more Levi’s voice cuts him and makes him feel like the worst person on earth. He goes back to the recruits and when the training is over he head for his office, not even wondering about Levi’s location. For the moment, for just one afternoon, he doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to know. It’s better if they stay apart for a while.

But when he opens the door his heart skips a beat, once, twice, and his blue guilty eyes widen at the view. Levi’s sitting on the sofa as usual, face blank and legs crossed nonchalantly. 

Erwin doesn’t say anything and Levi doesn’t look at him, turning his face slightly to the other side. Erwin sighs as he sits on the chair and the day goes on slowly and tense. Again, no one speaks and when Levi finally leaves Erwin feels empty and… sad. Despite what terrible things Levi might make him feel, Erwin is wrong. It’s never better if they stay apart. At least, not for him.

 

***

 

Erwin tries not to let Levi’s words affect him for the next few days but he does a very poor job of it. It’s useless to say that the way he gets angry at him for nothing, and the way immediately after he feels even guiltier, is pathetic. Levi doesn’t seem to care if Erwin almost snaps at him from time to time, or if he seems less inclined to let him do what he wants. Levi, mostly, doesn’t talk to him after that training day. 

But he doesn’t try to stay away either, which is making Erwin crazy. Despite this, or maybe because of it, he drowns in work and often stays away from Mike and the others. He works, he trains sometimes and he sleeps, as he keeps an annoyed eye on Levi. Despite this, he manages to keep his usual behavior with everyone else even though his isolation seems weird to Mike. But he understands and Erwin doesn’t have to explain. 

If Levi doesn’t talk to him, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t talk with everyone else. Insulting, more than talking. Most of the time he doesn’t appear to do it on purpose and it’s true that the people around him provoke him more than he deserves. Erwin manages to keep them back when he’s there, but those few times he can’t be in Levi’s presence for one reason or the other it looks like Levi always gets himself into trouble. It’s like every time he picks up a fight with someone it’s more because he wants to piss Erwin off than actually defending himself from whoever bothers him. Which doesn’t help Erwin. 

It comes to a point when Erwin is so overwhelmed by work that he starts thinking about Levi less and less, leaving Mike to deal with him even though it’s supposed to be his job. Erwin is not sure whether work is just a coincidence or he’s doing this subconsciously on purpose but either way it doesn’t matter. It keeps from constantly thinking about Levi, unless his mind brings him to the other man late at night when he has finally the time to think. He can’t say he likes it like this either, because he’s supposed to pay attention to him. But he just… he can’t. He has responsibilities and he knows that dwelling on Levi for too long would only make him less reliable and immature. It’s like being a kid all over again, letting words getting to him when he shouldn’t care, he shouldn’t even listen. 

Oh, but it’s more than that. Only Erwin is not ready yet to admit that to himself. Not ready to admit that the way Levi looks when he sits on the sofa without watching, when he fights, when he stares back at him and burns him with his icy eyes, is hard to handle. And it’s even harder to associate such captivating features and forms to words so harsh and angry towards him. Erwin’s mind is a mess of confused and contrasting thoughts and he wishes they wouldn’t get to him that way, that they wouldn’t make him angry during the day and miserable during the night. But thank god work saves him, almost. 

And so Levi goes from being hostile and distant to not caring anymore about it, just like Erwin. The fact that Erwin doesn’t have the time to completely babysit him anymore seems to make him calm down, so much that the silence that falls in the office turns from unbearable to quite and peaceful. It’s something that Erwin notices after a couple of weeks, when things start settling, soldiers complain less about Levi and his heart doesn’t feel aggravated anymore. 

Levi stays silent but the bitterness in his eyes eases off and they become empty and occasionally irritated again. Things get worse, but then they get better and Erwin lies to himself if doesn’t confuse him even more. Does that mean that Levi has given up, only waiting for a chance to hit and run? Or that he’s planning something worse? Maybe he’s just not being careful enough and he’s imagining it all. But Erwin has so many other things to do and when Shadis had put Levi in Darlett’s squad it wasn’t just because Erwin didn’t want him. It’s true that he’s a busy man, especially now. 

Eventually one, two months pass and as winter strikes hard and cold as ever everything else inside feels warmer. There hasn’t been an expedition in a while and, even though the anxiety of it always rests in everyone’s mind and heart, the recruits feel more at ease. Erwin knows they shouldn’t let the feeling overwhelm them too much, but he can’t help to feel kind of the same. Sometimes it’s nice to have a couple of months of break, even though he really has no right to call them that for himself. Most days he would have preferred feeling the adrenaline of a fight against a titan than the boredom that comes from hours spent bent over paperwork in his office. If he wasn’t for Levi’s presence keeping him either on edge or silent, but pleasant company, Erwin is not sure he would have managed. Which is ironic since Levi being there shouldn’t make him feel completely different, but what can he do? 

They still don’t talk much and Levi’s intentions are utterly unclear but it’s much better than before. Levi truly is like a ghost, staying with him wherever he goes but not speaking a word unless he really has to make a sarcastic comment or has to disagree about something too important to be left alone. Erwin doesn’t mind but most of the times, when it feels right to have Levi by his side, it feels completely wrong. It’s something he can’t quite figure out yet, as before. As always.

As the mood among everyone starts getting better, Christmas gets closer and closer and even though a lot of the people there don’t care, they pretend they do. It’s not something special in the Survey Corps, in their world in general, and they celebrate it without ever making a big deal out if, but even the slightest hope that for a day they can be happy and forget about the terrible things that could happen is worth it. 

Erwin has never fully appreciated it, it makes him remember of memories he doesn’t want and he doesn’t understand it, but seeing the soldiers smiling more feels nice and he doesn’t want to ruin it. Especially, he doesn’t want to ruin Hange’s mood who seems to be the more enthusiastic about it, although Erwin still doesn’t know why. More smiling people around him means he can relax too, it doesn’t matter if it’s a fake feeling. Even Shadis seems happier, or maybe he’s just drinking more, but it gives Erwin the time to go home to Marie for a day or two. She manages to lift some pressure off his chest and when he goes back to the camp things don’t have to be heavy again.

Christmas Eve goes by quietly, with a smile here and an exasperated laughter there because of Hange’s awful speeches, which no one wants to hear but still doesn’t complain about. Erwin spends the evening with them, has dinner with Mike and his friends and Hange manages to get Levi to sit at their table too. It doesn’t really surprise Erwin anymore, Levi eats with them more times than expected by now, not even bothering having Hange screaming from the other side of the dining hall to join them. Erwin has learned to relax in his presence in front of the others and, besides, Levi doesn’t speak anyway. Sometimes someone manages to get a short answer out of him but nothing elaborated, and so they drop it. When it’s Hange who asks, Levi just flips her off, and when it’s Erwin who asks he mumbles a couple of unknown words and returns to his food. Erwin figures it’s mostly insults, but sometimes Levi’s cheeks gain some color and he’s not so sure.

Now that things between them are better he doesn’t worry about it anymore. Levi is still a huge potential threat but until he makes an obvious move against him he can’t do much about it. And so they both wait while they spend silent hours with each other. 

After Hange’s last words and once their food is all gone they all decide to go bed earlier and enjoy a real night of sleep. It’s not midnight yet when Erwin tells everyone goodnight and Levi follows him behind, as they walk through the scattered chaos of the dining hall. It’s almost reassuring to know how Levi follows him without telling him by now, not that Levi has so much of a choice and he knows it. Erwin never lets him go before actually saying so and Levi has learned it. As always, Levi is extremely quick at learning. Sometimes, it bothers Erwin because he wishes Levi wouldn’t follow him around because of an order, but then again he remembers how much Levi doesn’t even like staying there and he would never force it on the man. 

As they step out of the dining hall and start walking through the camp buildings’ corridors they end up alone. The hallway feels colder than the crowded room they just left but things still don’t feel tense between them, which is new, something Erwin wasn’t expecting. When Levi talks to ask him something he doesn’t even seem annoyed or suspicious as he usually does, his voice sounds completely normal. It makes Erwin frown deeply in doubt and surprise.

“Where are we going?” 

“My office.” He simply explains as he keeps walking ahead. 

“What? Again?” There it is, the annoyance in Levi’s voice that Erwin was looking for. Still, it only sounds as a friendly complaint. 

“Yes.” 

“But why? Isn’t tonight all about sleep and relax?” 

“Actually, I believe it’s about joy and forgiveness.” Erwin says, but then he smiles slightly. “But yes, sleep too.” 

“Well, I have nothing to be joyful about. I just want to sleep, can’t I go?” It’s funny how Levi doesn’t comment on the forgiveness part, a comeback Erwin would expect from him. 

“Since when are you so eager to sleep? From what I understand you barely sleep four hours per night.” 

“Tch. What do you know about it?” 

“I know more than you are aware of.” Erwin says, turning his head to look at Levi as he walks beside him. Levi looks up and lifts his eyebrows up. 

“Is that supposed to impress me?” Erwin muffles a chuckle and brings his eyes back to look ahead of him.

“No, not at all.”

“Well?” Levi insists. 

“I’m sorry, Levi, I still have some work to do for today.” He says and even though it’s not entirely a lie, there is something else he’s not telling Levi about.

“So what? Do I have to stare at you working all night long?” 

“You know how this deal works.”

“Yeah well, I always say this deal sucks.”

Levi doesn’t have much more time to complain as they eventually step into the office earlier than they thought, the walk doesn’t last long. Levi slumps on the sofa, without even trying to look polite for that night, too tired to care. Erwin lights two candles on and sits down at his desk slowly with an hidden smile. His blue eyes fall over Levi and he stares a minute longer than he should. Finally, Levi rolls his eyes and looks back at him. 

“What.” He asks, and even though his words are cold his voice still sounds calm. 

Erwin has to wonder if he’s doing that on purpose, trying to sound more friendly for his own reasons and getting to the documents with a new approach, or if maybe he’s just that exhausted. Erwin is almost convinced the latter is more plausible, Levi’s eye bags look darker than usual and there is something about the way he moves that tells him the smaller man actually needs sleep. He almost feels sorry for him. 

“I wanted to congratulate you on managing to behave for the last two weeks.” Erwin says. “And maybe say thank you for it.” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Levi draws his eyebrows together and his mouth slightly opens, he is actually surprised by Erwin’s words. But it’s Christmas and even though Erwin is fully aware Levi is an enemy he can’t help but being satisfied with him. He hasn’t insulted or fought anyone for the past few days, so why shouldn’t Erwin be happy about it? Besides, he has to give Levi the impression not to have the slightest idea about the reason of Levi’s presence there. He has to seem normal, and that’s what he would do.  

“Yes, indeed I am. It’s not something I was expecting from you so soon, I’m impressed.” 

“Stop.” Levi interrupts him looking straight at him, and this time a spark of the real, old anger flashes behind his eyes. Erwin shuts up and stares back, eventually Levi’s tension leaves and he relaxes against the sofa again. 

“Whatever, I don’t care what you think.” Erwin can’t help a small smile because this kind of reply definitely makes him feel better than Levi’s usual spite. 

“Maybe you care for something else.” Erwin says and stands up. He feels Levi’s eyes following him around the room. He stops in front of the office bookcase’s side door, sliding a key off his pants and opening it. Erwin takes a bottle full of old scotch from it along with two small glasses, then he closes the small door and lock it again. When he turns around to place the objects over his desk and looks up at Levi he sees the other man’s eyes widen slightly for a moment, still following his movements. Erwin fills the glasses quickly and leans casually against the edge of the table, half sitting on it. He takes one full glass in his hand and stretches his arm towards Levi, as to invite him to take it. 

Levi blinks once, twice, before getting up. 

“I didn’t know you drink.” He states, more than asking. Erwin watches him carefully as he steps forward and reaches for the glass. As he does so his fingers accidentally brush against Erwin’s and the taller man presses his lips together while his heart skips a bit because of the unexpected touch. He’s careful not to show any of it on his face. Levi looks like he didn’t even realize what he’s done, even though his movement to grab the glass has been so slow Erwin wonders if he hasn’t done it on purpose. Levi keeps staring at him with deep, silver eyes as he takes the glass and brings it to his pink lips.

“I didn’t know you did either.” Erwin says, before taking a sip of the burning drink too. Levi arches one thin black eyebrow.

“I thought you knew more than you should.” 

“I never said I knew everything.” For a long moment all they do is look at each other, Levi as if trying to study him further and Erwin as if looking for something he has lost a long time ago. He’s not sure if he can find it. 

“I’m still not impressed. And maybe you shouldn’t have showed me this, you know? I’m still a thief.” Levi breaks the silence and turns his back to Erwin. 

“Are you a drunk thief?” Erwin teases him playfully, but Levi only shrugs. 

“No, but sometimes it helps.” 

“There, I can’t disagree.” Erwin says thinking about all those late evenings he grants himself a drink or two, allowing the alcohol to make his job easier and his mind less serious. He remembers days, in his younger years, when he would drink and get drunk with Mike just for fun, because it would make them feel free and happy. Now, when he does, it’s only to find some kind of comfort against everything he has to face everyday. It’s a way to forget, or try to, in the darkest hours when his mind can’t leave him alone and awful memories and thoughts torment him. He wonders why Levi drinks, too.

“Why do you drink?” Erwin eventually asks and Levi turns around, shrugging again before refilling his glass without waiting for Erwin to do so. 

“Mind your goddamn business.” He drinks, but then he hesitates and opens his mouth to say something else, looking annoyed because Erwin makes him justify himself for his actions. Something Erwin imagines he hates doing, he knows he does. “I don’t know, do I need a reason? It feels good.” 

“Right.”

Erwin says after a quick nod. Levi sits on the sofa again, with the glass in his hand still half full and Erwin remembers to open the window. No matter how cold it is outside he knows it’s something Levi needs, and he has no real problem with it. The candle’s fire falters for the sudden wind coming from outside and the light around the room trembles around them. As soon as it sets down again Erwin looks outside, letting the tension from the day in his broad shoulders finally go and enjoys the cool sensation filling his lungs. It’s snowing outside and the sky has the color of a darkening grey and orange which makes the night feel wrong, sad, but also really beautiful. 

The snow isn’t ideal for practice, but it’s something Erwin is really fond of. It reminds him of the only winter he spent with Levi in the forest, it reminds him of all those freezing days they spent cuddling in the blanket and playing with the crystallized water. When he looks back at Levi he catches him staring outside of the window with the same nostalgic look he’s had until a few moments ago and he can’t help but wonder whether he’s thinking the same thing or not. The moment doesn’t last long, though, because as soon as Levi realizes Erwin is watching him he turns his head to the side and hides himself behind his short bangs. Erwin smiles almost sadly, bringing his thick brows together.

He puts his own drink on the table and goes sitting on his chair. “Do you mind if I actually work for a while? It shouldn’t take too long.” He asks Levi. 

“Since when do you need my permission?” 

The comment actually surprises Erwin for a moment, but Levi is right. “There is nothing wrong with being kind.”

Levi stays silent and pierces him with an icy glare. Maybe Erwin shouldn’t have said that. However, Levi only limits himself to a small shrug and after finishing his drink quickly and putting the glass on the floor, he lies on the sofa. He crosses one leg on top of the other and puts his arms under his head. Erwin nods to himself and starts reading away the last papers he has to check for the day. 

He manages not to pay much attention to Levi, and it takes him more than he thought to finish it all, almost three hours. It’s Christmas. When he finishes and looks up, slightly distracted by Levi’s deep breathing, he notices the smaller man has fallen asleep. Erwin stands and walk to the sofa, looking down and seeing that Levi’s expression seems troubled and that he’s shivering. He frowns. Erwin takes his jacket off and places it over Levi’s thin body, trying not to wake him up. 

The mild color of the candle light makes Levi’s asleep pale face look younger, almost gentle. Erwin never had lots of chances to see Levi sleeping but every time it had always warmed his heart. This time isn’t different, although it feels strange because during the years he had learned not to feel such things for so little. But there he is, smiling down at his old friend, observing him as he gradually stops shivering and rolls on the other side. He sleeps in a fetal position and he looks like a boy who has finally found peace. It’s not a sight he gets to see every day.

Erwin then, not to feel like intruding too much, walks over the window and pulls the glass door over. He doesn’t close it but he hopes the cold won’t come in just as much. Turning around he tidies his desk for the last time and blows the candle out. Only the light of the night remains as he opens the door to step out of the office. Before going out he turns around and looks at Levi, still sleeping calmly on the couch with his jacket on as a blanket. He smiles, fondly almost, going against all those times he has tried to keep his feelings away. 

“Happy birthday, Levi.” He whispers, because he hasn’t forgotten about it, and finally leaves. 

 

***

 

They are not supposed to train, or practice or even do anything related to work the day after. It’s a relief and most of the soldiers don’t even bother getting out of bed until the sun is high in the sky already melting the snow that has fallen during the night before. It’s Christmas, but really, it’s just an excuse to have a day off. No matter what, though, Erwin decides to wake up early and go for a run anyway because it feels weird if he doesn’t. He doesn’t go by his office and the cold air of the morning welcomes him as he steps out and begins running. 

He goes on more than usual, almost an hour and a half because for once he has just little less to do, and when he gets closer to the camp the spacious field outside the building isn’t empty. There are a couple of people just walking around, someone is stretching because Erwin is not the only one who enjoys going for a run in the morning, and others are just trying to wake up already. He can also spot Mike and Nanaba talking near the main doors. What is weird is that he hasn’t seen Levi yet, usually he should be out there training too. Maybe he has decided to sleep in, though. Erwin doesn’t know. Actually, he doesn’t want to think about it. 

Mike sees him and after waving a quick goodbye to Nanaba he reaches for Erwin in the middle of the field. Erwin stops, panting from the last quick sprint and swiping the slick of sweat away from his forehead. 

“Hey.” Mike greets him without a real salute, just as he used to do when they were younger. 

“Good morning, Mike.” Erwin replies as his breath comes back to him. 

“Hav-” Mike doesn’t make it to end, because someone in the back cries out in complaint, as if they were being pushed over, and Levi is pacing fast and dangerously towards Erwin. Mike turns to look too and Erwin doesn’t even know what to expect now. 

“What the fucks does this mean?” Levi says out loud as he shoves Erwin’s jacket, the one he placed over him the night before, over his chest without trying to hold back. Erwin stumbles back, not able to anticipate the motion in time and ends up standing in the middle of the field with his hands holding his jacket in his lap and a furious Levi in front of him. Closer than he would have liked. 

“Hey, back off!” Mike says trying to grab Levi’s arm and pull him out of Erwin’s way, but Levi is stronger and doesn’t let him, facing Erwin again and looking up at him with a deep frown. Erwin looks down at him, not stepping back, and his eyes fall over Levi’s hands. They’re shaking. His stare goes back up and he studies Levi’s face for a suspended moment. 

“What did you think you were doing, ah? Did you think we were fucking friends or something?” Levi pushes Erwin’s chest once more without breaking eye-contact and Erwin sucks in his breath, but his expression remains still and emotionless. Professional. 

“I don’t want. To be. Your friend. Again.” Levi hisses as he gets closer to Erwin’s face as much as he can. 

“I don’t need your stupid jacket to keep me warm or whatever the fuck you thought. Stay away from me.” It comes out as an enraged, hurt whisper that only Erwin can hear. But all Erwin can think about is that  _ again.  _ It breaks his heart but it also makes him feel relieved somehow, knowing that they were actually friends once. But Erwin ruined it, it’s his fault. 

Erwin looks down at Levi and furrows his brows slightly, opening his mouth as to say something but then he closes it. Serious again, not letting his emotions show, especially not out there. There is something in Levi’s eyes that screams something more than just rage and insult, though. Erwin narrows his own blue, focused eyes and notices that Levi seems… confused, among all the other things. His silver glare flickers and his hands don’t stop shaking, which only makes Erwin think something is wrong. Something probably not even Levi understands. 

Everyone, from Mike to the other few recruits gathered in the camp outside, are staring at them and Erwin can hear them whispering things that he rathers they wouldn’t think, or say, or spread. What will this do to him? He can’t have Levi threatening his image, or his career directly, again.

Erwin tries to calm Levi down by bringing one hand to pat the small man’s shoulder but Levi steps away in a jerk. “Don’t fucking touch me.”   

“Okay.” Erwin simply says, his tone unperturbed. He lets his hand fall to his side and looks down at Levi. He wants to say he’s sorry, that he didn’t mean to upset him, that that’s the last thing he wants to do… but he can’t. Not out there. Erwin’s eyes squint down at him and when he talks his voice is loud and imperative. 

“In my office. Now.” It’s an order, and a serious one. Anyone else would have obeyed, but of course not Levi. 

“Fuck you.” Levi says and storms off towards the near small forest and not even giving Erwin the chance to call him back. Erwin doesn’t, anyway, there is no dignity in that and if Levi wants to go than it’s better that way. He rubs a hand on his face and sighs, looking up at Mike once Levi is completely out of sight. All Mike does is shaking his head and rolling his eyes back. 

“What have you done? Slapped him with the jacket?” 

“You’re not funny.” Erwin replies as he heads for the building, looking around himself and saying to everyone else with his eyes to go back to whatever they were doing. Nothing to see. 

“Then what?” Mike insists. 

“Nothing. Last night he fell asleep on the couch in my office, he was shaking, so I thought I could cover him up with my jacket. I was just trying not to make him feel cold.” It’s only an explanation but Mike raises his eyebrows up and something tells Erwin that, to his friend, it’s something more than just that. But luckily he leaves it alone. 

“In that case that was the most childish thing I’ve ever seen an adult doing.” Mike comments and the conversation ends. Erwin agrees, even though he can’t help but wonder whether Levi has ever even had the chance to grow up like everyone else. He doesn’t know anything about him. He should. 

Erwin doesn’t see Levi for the rest of the day but it doesn’t surprise him. When he doesn’t see him at dinner too, though, he starts worrying. Mike tells him Levi is in his quarters he calms down a little but he wonders if he has gone too far. But what did he do? This is all Levi getting angry at him for nothing this time. 

The day after, and the day after that and again like this for almost a week Levi shows in Erwin’s office less, he talks less, and fights more. Again. Erwin tries to tell him more than once that his presence by his side is not a joke, or something Erwin wants, it’s orders coming from someone with more power who could dispose of Levi anytime. But Levi doesn’t even seem to listen. It makes Erwin mad but he can’t do much else, he can’t force him with strength and words don’t seem to work. For the first time in his life Erwin feels lost because no matter what he says, no matter how smart and sly he might try to be, it doesn’t work. It never works with Levi, not anymore. Not that Erwin is fond of such method. 

Besides, Erwin is not lying. If someone other than Shadis finds out he can’t control Levi it’s not going to end up well for neither of them.

Erwin, tired as he is with the whole situation, goes home one day and even asks Marie advice. He keeps the details out, saying there is a new soldier he can’t figure out and that is causing him problems. And then she says what he was expecting her to, that he should actually sit down and talk to him as the adults they are, to clear things up. Erwin only smiles when Marie tells him that, as if he hasn’t tried already, but now that he thinks about it maybe Marie is right. Maybe he should talk to Levi and clear everything up, and by everything he means all of those things probably none of them wants to think about. The past, basically. But how could Erwin even do that when all Levi feels towards him about it is hate? 

In the end Levi spends the next two cold weeks avoiding Erwin. Before Christmas, when things were still bad, at least the would stay in the office and fight with him. Now? It is complete silence and Erwin barely sees him, as everyone keeps assuring him Levi spends most of his time either in the training room or his quarters. Or at least that’s what they think he’s doing. Erwin has his doubts about that. 

Levi avoids him, he avoids Hange, avoids Darlett and everyone else. When it’s practice time he shows up but he doesn’t even bother trying to team up with other people. When they mock him, or annoy him, it takes him less than one minute to send them straight to the infirmary because it’s clear he has no patience at all. Neither Mike or Erwin can stop him in those cases, and Erwin notices Levi gets more violent when he’s there. Especially when he helps the other recruits with fighting lessons and tries to be as kind as he can be with them. It seems to make Levi angrier. 

Erwin, in the meantime, gets welcomed with the not-so-happy news that they are threatening to cut the Survey’s funds again. Aside from the whole Lobov’s deal. And this only means he has to spend more time in his office with Shadis trying to come up with new ideas. The necessity for a new successful expedition is urgent but Shadis still doesn’t trust him with his new formation plan, and it only frustrates Erwin more than usual. How can they show they are worth it if they never go outside? If this goes on, he will have to agree with the people in the parliament. 

Except they don’t accept Levi there, and Erwin could never agree with that. A reason more to go outside the walls and brings this situation to an end. But the end still seems far away. 

One day Levi goes missing again, and no one can find him this time. Erwin, busy as he is with everything else, swallows the news and then goes back to work. Mike seems worried, for him not for Levi, but Erwin is so tired and the peace he has felt just a few weeks before seems like a dream, a reality that never happened. When Mike tells him he shakes his head and bends down to keep reading, closed in his office. If Levi wants to come back, he will. Levi is going to come back anyway because they are not done, and Erwin has to force the thought away. It would eat him up. 

It’s not until late that night that one random soldier meets Erwin in the hallway from his office to the bathroom that he discovers Levi is back. 

“Where is he?” He asks. 

“He’s in the training room, sir.”

“Isn’t that area closed late at night?” 

“It should be, sir. Yes.” Erwin looks down at the soldier and forces a smile on his face to reassure him he’s done nothing wrong. Erwin feels like everything but smiling right now. If anything he’s exhausted and angry and upset because Levi’s behavior is the last thing he needs right now. But at the same time he’s utterly relieved to know he’s back.

“Thank you.” He tells the soldier as he heads for the training room right away.  
  


***

 

It’s late and, as he expects, there is no one around as he walks through the cold building and climbs down the stairs to get to the room in which Levi is supposed to be. As he gets closer and closer he starts hearing someone moving and muffled groans from behind the thin walls. The training room doesn’t have doors, it’s an open space large enough for at least fifty people to train all together. The floor isn’t covered with wood and, since it’s at the same level with the field outside, it’s made of the same earthy ground. There are benches scattered at the sides of the big room and several kinds of weapons hung on the wall, from the usual blades used during expeditions to smaller knives, used during hand-to-hand combat practice. It’s not often that the soldiers use the training room, only when the weather outside is too hard or in case someone wants a bit more privacy. 

Erwin guesses that’s the case for Levi when he reaches the room’s threshold. As soon as he arrives he stops, standing there and observing Levi fighting alone in the middle of the room. Levi doesn’t seem to hear him or see him, and Erwin, although he doesn’t hide, does his best to be quiet. The sight of Levi makes him speechless for several moments, his breath sucking in, and his eyes never quite so focused on the other man. Suddenly he’s not, he can’t be angry at him anymore. The fatigue from before leaves him and all he can think about at the moment is Levi. 

The way he moves is captivating, as if he was at the same time fighting and dancing with the light breeze coming from the open windows. Erwin’s eyes absorb every swift movement and it’s hard to keep up with the fast anger of every blow aimed at the void. Levi’s legs make him jump and whirl with studied, but completely natural fluency. His shirtless chest covered with sweat reflects the white moonlight that hits him gently, making him look like a beautiful, heated   shadow filling the room. The light is dim but Erwin has no difficulty seeing Levi’s scars carved all over his arms and torso. They mark his light skin as if it was made of precious marble and Erwin can’t help but stare, being entirely fascinated by them. 

The air around Levi seems to flow with him, leaving him free to move as he wants, letting him unload all the emotions he has had to keep hidden and under control. Alone like that, he looks like he can finally let go. But at the same time Erwin can see the sore tension in his shoulders and the anger rushing through his tiny, but strong body. As he looks at him, Levi is able to make him feel peace in the middle of a dangerous storm. He should be scared, but he isn’t. It’s not the first time it happens but the way his legs refuse to move and words don’t come to him is strange, it’s worse than before. Erwin can’t help but stay still and watch such strong beauty coming to life under the soft light of the night. 

When Levi stops Erwin thinks it’s because he wants to regain his breath, but the other man doesn’t seem about to getting back to his lonely fight with nothing and everything at once. 

“Enjoying the view?” Levi’s voice comes out smoothly, as if he hadn’t just spent the last few minutes, if not hours, moving restlessly. 

It takes Erwin by surprise, but he manages not to show it on his face as soon as Levi turns around in an annoyed jerk and looks at him across the distance between them. Still, Erwin can’t find the words, his mouth opening and closing right after. 

“How long have you been there?” Levi asks.

“Long enough to see your fighting technique is much better than what you show during normal practice.” Erwin says coldly but in reality he’s trying very hard not to let his eyes rest over Levi for too long. Trying to focus on everything but the other’s captivating forms. Trying not to look at him in the eyes for too long because he doesn’t know what would happen then. 

“Are you telling me you’re here just to throw me some backhanded compliment?” Levi says, turning back around and punching through the void again. And again, going back to his exercise without acknowledging Erwin’s presence too much. 

“No.” Erwin says as Levi reminds him why he’s come here in the first place. He finally steps into the room and slowly moves forward Levi.

“Where have you been?” Erwin asks, like he did last time. 

“Nowhere.” 

Erwin isn’t surprised by the lack of a real answer. 

“Is nowhere far?” He takes another step towards Levi, getting closer as the other man stops and freezes Erwin on the spot with an icy stare. 

“It’s a place where you wouldn’t be welcome.” 

Erwin’s eyebrows raise in scepticism. “Okay. Then why are you here?” 

“Isn’t that obvious?” Levi replies with a click of his tongue. 

“It’s not to me.” Erwin asks and what he’s asking of Levi is not why should he be here late at night, venting his problems by punching the air. Erwin wants to know what the real problem is, why does Levi seem so upset? He has been trying to hide it for so long and seeing him there makes Erwin realize how little attention he has paid to him so far. Something more than just his usual mission is troubling Levi and he wants to know.

“I thought you were the clever one,” Levi says coldly.

“Not when it comes to you. I never know what goes on in your mind, I never knew.” Erwin takes a risk, mentioning the past. 

It seems to have some kind of effect on Levi, who stares at him with parted lips and a deep frown between his eyebrows. He swallows hard and drops of shining sweat frame his rebellious expression, Erwin can’t help but trace their slow roll down the side of Levi’s magnetic face.  

“Good, then.” Levi says but he hesitates for a tense second. “I never liked the idea of you knowing anything about me. Not after-” Levi stops and Erwin’s chest tightens suddenly as his eyebrows lift up, unpleasantly shocked by Levi’s words. Though maybe it’s his fault for bringing up the past in the first place.

“That’s the thing I can’t understand, Levi. You keep saying I’m forcing you to stay, you leave for entire days, and yet you keep coming back. Why is that?” 

Erwin plays with him, taking another cautious step forward, now nearly invading Levi’s personal space but not enough to alarm him, he hopes. His voice is calm, pretending to be actually confused by his reasons. Erwin knows why, but there has to be something more. Something he’s missing. 

“Always the curious one, aren’t you?” 

“Is it wrong if I want to know?” 

“Yes.” A spark of threat flares behind Levi’s clear eyes. “I don’t want to talk.” 

“Fine.” Erwin says without hesitation but when Levi notices him as he keeps standing there in front of him he frowns and tilts his head. 

“Leave.” Levi’s voice is far from friendly but Erwin doesn’t care. Instead he takes his jacket off, letting it fall to the ground, and rolls up his white shirt’s sleeves. Levi looks at him with incredulity spread all over his face. 

“What are you doing?” Now he just sounds pissed, getting more and more annoyed with every minute that passes while is Erwin still here. 

“If you don’t want to talk, we can fight.” 

“No.” 

“What are you, scared?” Erwin provokes him as a cold shiver runs through him, caused by the wind still blowing into the room which caresses his half-bare arms and exposed throat. 

Erwin can’t say Levi is the only angry person in the room, he has a quite large number of reasons to be mad at him. And now the prospect of a fight makes everything he has forgotten to have felt come back with a rush of tense anticipation. If they can’t solve this through talking, they can have it Levi’s way. Erwin is not a helpless kid anymore. Still, Levi’s the one who seems more reluctant towards the idea.

“What are you, stupid?” Levi asks bitterly. 

Erwin gives him an humorless smirk. 

“Come on, then. Spar with me.” 

“Ah, and what are you gonna tell me? To trust you, like you do with those brainless brats?” Levi’s voice trembles slightly with more focused anger and evident resentment. He takes a step forward, giving in into Erwin’s suggestion, looking at him with storming silver eyes. It’s hard for Erwin to look anywhere else. 

Without any kind of warning Levi throws Erwin a quick strong kick, hitting him over the stomach. He bends and it hurts, but it’s nothing he can’t take. Levi doesn’t make another move, keeping completely in balance, waiting for Erwin to straighten up and face him again. Erwin frowns at the lingering sting in his stomach and runs one hand through his fair hair as he puts himself together again. Levi stays more distant than before, circling around Erwin. Erwin observes him and he can’t find anything in his body language to warn him about his next move, all he can see his the outrage in his glare towards him. The hate, but also the necessity to control himself. It’s almost as if-

“Don’t hold back.” Erwin tells him and Levi stops moving completely for a moment, with his legs apart and his knees bending slightly, insulted by his comment. Good.

Levi seems to completely ignore him after another long second and throws another punch, this time harder than the first kick, right to middle of Erwin’s chest. He manages to block him just in time. Levi is not going to go easy on him, but he’s still not fighting completely.

“Are you gonna tell me that, like you did once?” Levi’s eyes are poison and his voice bites. “Trust you. Remember when I did that? Remember when you told me I wasn’t going to regret it?”  

Levi spills out one blame after the other, his eyes scanning Erwin for weaknesses and the space around them. There is a raw light running through them and Erwin’s breath starts to quicken. Repressed feelings, memories of every time he felt so guilty about that he couldn’t breathe anymore, they all start to come back. Erwin’s mind is beginning to cloud as he holds onto his rationality as much as he can. 

“You told me to trust you and now what?” Levi starts, his words followed by an empty, short laugh. “You’re telling them do the same, but what’s really going to happen next? They’re all probably going to die because of you and, you know what? It wouldn’t even be the first time.” 

Erwin swallows hard, keeping his eyes focused on Levi walking hesitantly around him. The other man’s words hit him hard and threaten his ability to keep calm. He’s reeling back in his mind, back to all of those years before, and then again to most recent times. Erwin sees dead soldiers on the ground, expedition after expedition and even though he knows it’s not his fault, he knows it will be. That’s what being commander, having more power, will cost him. He’s always been so sure about the sacrifices humanity needs, but Levi makes his head darken. He makes him question every ambition he’s ever had because what if getting people killed is just what he does? 

Erwin’s jaw clenches, fists tightening at his sides. His chest rises and falls and he tries to focus on keeping his breathing level as he tries to let Levi’s words slide. Because they are true and he can’t handle them, not if Levi’s the one saying them.

“What good is it to trust you? When all you do is lie and betray the people around you anyway.” Levi continues and the cold air of the night is not enough to keep Erwin composed. He has come down here only to ask Levi a question and scold him yet another time, he wasn’t expecting things to turn out like this. 

“I never betrayed you.” Erwin says, his voice surprisingly calm compared to his current unsteady state of mind. He looks down, trying not to think about it too much. It’s useless.

Levi raises his eyebrows skeptically, but Erwin isn’t lying. He had never meant to betray him, he didn’t- 

He hadn't killed Farlan and Isabel on purpose. He had never meant to hurt him, but obviously Levi has trouble believing them and Erwin can’t blame him for it. 

“Right. Then what about your precious dad?” Levi hisses and Erwin’s eyes snap back up, narrowing and warning Levi not to say anything more. Levi shouldn’t be talking about that. He’s serious but Levi doesn’t care.  

“You fucking sold him out without even knowing it. He trusted you too and then he was dead just like that. And it’s your fault.”

It’s the first time Levi mentions so much of the past and it’s the first time that Erwin actually hears someone else saying this. It hurts and he feels the pain engulfing him and filling him with rage. It’s his fault. It’s all his fault. 

Erwin knows but he’s been trying so hard to forget about that and just find a way to have his father’s forgiveness. To somehow find redemption for what he’s done. It’s his fault, and as the repressed feelings and memories start to fill his mind once again, Erwin’s breaths become shorter and the anger devours him from inside. Angry at himself, angry at his failures, angry at the inevitability of his future and the anger turns to the man who made him remember that horrible time.

He’s mad and it’s not Levi’s fault, it will never be, but Erwin can’t help but take it all out on him. He’s furious with himself and yet something else replaces his usual lucidity. Something dangerous that he hasn’t felt in years and is finally able to come out.

Levi looks away for a quick moment after spilling out the words with malice and  Erwin lunges at him, not waiting for him to attack again. He’s not sure what he’s doing, he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing until he feels his body lurch forwards, his balled fist aiming for Levi’s jaw. Maybe it’s because over the last few days every problem has been pressing him more than usual, maybe it’s because he hasn’t properly slept in weeks, or maybe it’s because of Levi mentioning his dead father, but suddenly all of his frustration and tiredness turns into shameless, unbridled violence. 

If anyone else was there, they wouldn’t even be able to recognize him. Erwin is not himself, but he can’t always be perfect.

Levi manages to step back just in time, slipping out from under Erwin’s attack, but then Erwin pulls up his other hand and punches Levi across the face, hard and fast and a sickening crack echoes through the room. He stumbles back, but regains balance quickly because Erwin keeps throwing punches at him after that and shows no signs of stopping. Levi’s able to barely dodge some and blocks others that collide hard on his arms and he’s forced to give up ground. And still, Erwin doesn’t stop. 

Erwin is having trouble actually concentrating. He doesn’t notice the surprised look in Levi’s silver eyes as his tiny, but strong body assumes a defensive stance, constantly moving to anticipate him. His shoulders clench and his arms stay up. Levi has never seen Erwin like this, but he doesn’t look scared, he’s accepting the challenge without letting anger overwhelm him too. 

Erwin barely notices the way Levi smoothly manages not to get hit directly. The way he breathes heavily every time Erwin does succeed. It’s like he’s slowly losing control of himself, but at the same time the adrenaline from the fight is keeping him strong and precise in his movements. Both of them move fluidly with deadly precision, a dance of devils.

The more Erwin charges him, the more Levi steps back, keeping up with his strong punches. He still hasn’t attacked back, but it’s only a matter of time. It’s obvious Erwin isn’t the only one who’s upset. Levi hadn’t said those things just for fun, he meant all of them. But for once Erwin is the one with the heated animalistic fire in his wide, blue eyes as he presses forward in a violent rage. 

Levi ends up crashing against the wall near the weapons, his back colliding hard and making him let out a grunt before going back on the defensive. Erwin is relentless, as if all his used up energy had suddenly come back. His rational side is gone, replaced by the desire to attack, but his movements are still tactical. 

Years of training don’t just leave a man like Erwin in the moment of need. Every kick, every punch aims for a precise spot in Levi’s stomach, chest or throat. Levi seems, for a moment, to be having a hard time keeping up with him, but after a moment he seems to acclimatise to it since he has nowhere to retreat to anymore.

He seems to be keeping up with Erwin’s constant attacks and his jaw clenches before he quickly ducks down and sidesteps a punch. Erwin stumbles forward with the momentum of his hand as it hits the wall. In the briefest moment when he’s out of balance, Levi’s hand shoots out, slamming the heel of it into the vulnerable spot at the small of Erwin’s back. Pain explodes at the point of impact and Erwin hisses, stumbling again as his eyes screw shut and he tries to regain his balance.

Levi tries to hit him again from where he’s standing behind Erwin, but he’s not fast enough as the other man whirls around to tower over him and continue his barrage. They slip back into the old rhythm and it’s quick **,** it’s chaos. Their bodies keep moving around the room, one move after the other, one sharp hit and wild dodge after the other. They only thing they can hear in the silence of the night is the sound of their own broken, heavy breaths and their bodies crashing against each other, battling for dominance. The pace of the fight is punishing, almost inhuman as they test each other’s limits. Levi evidently wasn’t expecting Erwin to keep up with him. 

They end up moving back towards the weapons as the fight goes on, neither of them trying to end this violent confrontation that is demanding every ounce of their attention. Levi grunts when Erwin hits his jaw hard, knocking his head back. He raises his arms to try to grip Erwin’s shoulders and use them for leverage but he doesn’t make it that far. Erwin’s eyes catch him before his hands can reach high enough and Levi can’t stop what happens next. On instinct Erwin grabs Levi’s wrists, keeping his arms steady in front of him, and stares down. 

Time stops. 

Panting in each other’s personal space they end up facing each other, close. But Erwin isn’t looking at Levi’s face, at the way his eyes are dancing over his own expression with hurry and confusion. Erwin stares down at Levi’s bare arms and his eyes widen in shock. He knows Levi has scars, he has seen them several times, but they were never like this. Red cuts are scattered along his arms, new cuts. Erwin’s heart beats too fast and all he can hear is the blood pounding in his ears and his chest tightening. He doesn’t understand, his wild eyes fly from Levi’s arm to his face. He looks for an explanation but he can’t read the other man’s expression. 

They continue to stand in front of each other silently, Levi’s eyes bulging with rage as he stares at his opponent. Erwin can’t read him beyond that and it costs him another of Levi’s hard punches right to his sharp jaw as Levi slips Erwin’s grip on his wrist. It’s painful and strong, almost snapping Erwin back to the reality of the situation, and leaves him stunned for a second. 

Erwin realizes how powerful Levi actually is, looking stoic and perfectly balanced as he fights him, as if nothing could ever touch him. Levi’s wild power should scare him, but it doesn’t. Erwin’s mind and body haven’t forgotten the rage from before and now Erwin can’t help but find Levi’s strength interesting. The coiled strength in the small body, the deadly precision that reminds Erwin of himself, but with more of a strange instinct than calculated thought behind every action. 

Levi seems to snap into a different kind of state as the fight continues. This time he launches himself towards Erwin with incredible ferocity and dangerous determination. Erwin doesn’t have the time to make any kind of decisions at all, to dodge or to attack back before Levi is on him. He pushes Erwin’s large body back and the tall man stumbles and crashes against the weapon’s rack. The blades clatter to the ground as the frame cracks under Erwin’s weight and he’s left sprawled amongst the weaponry. Erwin’s groan sounds almost small after the falling weapons, but he can see Levi hesitate from where he stands over him.

They stop for a moment, both breathing heavily. Levi stares at him with cold fire in his eyes, until his gaze falls on Erwin’s rising and falling chest and he smirks. Erwin’s eyebrows draw together, unsure of what could possible have made Levi’s smile in such a devious way. 

Erwin looks down, trying to regain his breath in the strange lull of the fight and sits up hesitantly. His white shirt is ripped open in half, a consequence of Levi’s wild assaults. He investigates his body with confused eyes, bending his head over. Messy blond hair falls down on his forehead and in his eyes, bead of sweat threatening to cloud his vision but eventually he sees it. There are small cuts, coming from Levi’s incessant scratching, and bruises about to form over his slightly tanned skin, which has the same color of fair sand in the pale light of the moon shining over him. 

“Are we done?” Erwin asks with a suspicious, husky voice. He’s still panting as he studies Levi’s amused, but still furious face.

“As if you’re not having fun with this.” Levi’s cruel smile grows slightly wider, a flash of viciousness sparkling behind his focused eyes.

“What are you talking about?” 

“What? Did you think I was blind when we were kids? Did you think I was a complete goddamn idiot and didn’t notice how much you enjoyed it every time we would fight? How much you liked seeing the marks I left...” 

Shock and overwhelming shame hit Erwin like a slap across the face and his face feels hot. He narrows his eyes, frowning at the other man and his mouth twists down, recalling every moment he had spent in front of the mirror during those lonely evenings after they would fight as children. Erwin remembers all too well how happy he’d been seeing bruises and cuts over his body, but it wasn’t for fun, it wasn’t what Levi thought. He remembers touching the purple marks over his stomach and smiling, because they would remind him of Levi. They would tell him Levi was real. 

But what about now? A strong shiver of both indignation and strange pleasure pierces through his heavy, aching body. He feels strange, he doesn’t want this and tries to brush it off. He’s frozen and tries so hard not to look directly at Levi’s confrontational, demanding stare. At his full parted lips. The pain spread over his body burns with maddening urge, and it makes Erwin crazy because he has never felt this way. It’s wrong, it’s so wrong but a small part of Erwin’s brain is dying for it to be right.

Then Levi’s grey eyes move to Erwin’s face, his smirk refusing to fade. Erwin’s jaw throbs painfully and he can taste iron in his mouth as he slides his tongue over his teeth and bottom lip. He doesn’t answer Levi, doesn’t know if he really has an answer for that and instead spits out blood to his side and lets out a low growl, thinking he deserves whatever Levi is going to hit him with as he rushes over him to continue with their rough struggle.

Levi is faster, though. He jumps to the side unperturbed, flying behind him. Erwin turns around and tries to catch him with a wild balled fist, Levi blocks him easily and swiftly kicks Erwin’s feet out from under him, but then Erwin grabs Levi’s arm and pulls him down with him. They both crash to the ground, accompanied by Levi swearing and Erwin grunting as the other man lands on him. The earth under them is soft but scratchy and they waste no time before they’re wrestling on the ground like animals. 

One moment Erwin is scrabbling to keep Levi pinned and the next the smaller man is raining down a flurry of blows that Erwin can barely resist. They tumble and hiss and it’s a rush of movement and wild eyes as they both try to claw at any advantage. Erwin doesn’t know how they ended up like this, but soon he finds himself on top of Levi and he’s determined to stay there. 

Levi kicks him in the stomach hard with his knee but Erwin grits his teeth and manages not to get distracted by it. In return Erwin grabs Levi’s head, his long fingers digging into Levi’s scalp, pulling at his black hair, and slamming his head hard into the ground. Levi cries out and squeezes his eyes shut, his face a mask of pain. Erwin has been relentless, never holding back for a second, knowing well enough that Levi can endure it. 

In the rush of the moment, adrenaline pumping wildly in his veins, Erwin gets his hands around Levi’s throat. His own head is dizzy with violence and an urgent need to let all of his anger and stress out. Erwin shouldn’t be having his hands around Levi’s throat, he shouldn’t be thinking of tightening his grip around it. He loses control again, not knowing what the hell he’s doing as the blue in his eyes turns from clear to threatening, the color of a frightful storm. The sudden memory of years ago clouds his mind, he remembers Levi on him, biting and scratching him. Trying to stop himself from killing him. 

For a moment he steps back through the years and into the memory and it feels just as wrong as always. Levi hasn’t done nothing wrong, if anything he’s been the only one to treat Erwin with care and patience when he most needed it, but Erwin can’t keep his hands away. The sight of Levi doesn’t mean comfort, it means guilt. His words don’t mean well anymore, they accuse him and remind him what kind of person he really is. He’s a monster who hurt his own friends, who betrayed his father, who killed the only people that mattered. 

Then Erwin feels something cold, sharp against his stomach through the fabric of the shirt and it makes him freeze. Slowly he looks down and sees Levi holding a  knife digging into him, a knife he hadn’t even seen him get. Erwin frowns down and then looks back up at Levi who just smirks cruelly, his expression heartless and his breath hot on Erwin’s neck. His hands are still around Levi’s throat as he half lies on top of him, knees straddling him, but Levi is the one with upper hand now. 

Exhausted, Erwin lets go. His hands move from Levi’s throat to either side of the man’s head to balance himself on as he leans forward without thinking, and lets out a sigh. His arms feel weak as he watches Levi adam’s apple bob at his throat and his heart skips one, two beats. His breath grows faster, his chest rises and his hips lean completely over Levi’s body under him. His eyes lock with Levi’s and he looks at him, looks at his twisting mouth, at his pale skin which sweats and bleeds around his mouth. Despite everything, Erwin can’t help but find himself speechless as he realizes once again how beautiful Levi is. 

There is a nasty, but vulnerable kind of anger boiling up behind the silver layer of his stare. Erwin’s face drops closer to Levi’s, his hair dangling and brushing the man’s forehead. They pant together, Levi’s chest touching his own intermittently as he breathes heavily and Erwin’s arms loosen and bring him lower, closer. Erwin isn’t mad anymore, but a challenging glow remains in his blue eyes. 

“I should just kill you.” Levi whispers with raw frustration and presses the cold knife harder at Erwin’s stomach, the only point of contact between them that isn’t warm. There is a warning in his voice and Erwin thinks he might even hear a bit of hate. 

“Do it.” 

For just a moment Erwin fears Levi is actually going to do it, and given everything maybe he should. From the shaking hand wrapped around the knife to the look in his eyes, exactly the same as the one he had that day so long ago. Red, wild, raw and hurt. Levi looks broken, only this time neither of them is crying and if he wanted to Levi could actually end his life. Erwin is not even sure whether he’s told him to do it to test him or because he knows Levi deserves the relief. Erwin needs the relief. Levi stares at him for what feels like an eternity, his expression barely changing but then… 

Levi throws the knife aside, his expression carefully blank. The blade clangs onto the pile of weapons near them, he pushes Erwin off without a word and though the sudden loss of contact is jarring, Erwin lets him, rolling to the side and sitting up. He feels empty and cold all of a sudden, the air of the night makes him shiver as he watches Levi’s tense figure walk towards the open entrance. 

Before Levi goes, he stops. He doesn’t turn around, but for some reason he hesitates. Erwin sees his fists clenching and his shoulders stiffen. The pale light frames his bare, scarred back and Erwin sucks his breath in wondering if he should risk it but then, he speaks. 

“I hope to see you in my office tomorrow.” Erwin says, trying to sound confident and unaffected. His voice shakes slightly, though, betraying him.

Levi tilts his head to the side, standing there freor one second longer, and then he’s gone.

 

***  

 

It’s not exactly a surprise when Erwin wakes up after one single hour of sleep the next morning filled with nightmares. He, luckily, doesn’t remember them but as he gets up from his cold lonely bed memories from the night before come to him fast and painful and his head throbs, as if he had been drinking. The fight with Levi, the things he has said and heard from the other man, the guilt and the violence that possessed him with such unusual determination. He remembers Levi’s hot body against him and the cold knife pressed against his stomach, he remembers Levi’s eyes and he still doesn’t know what the things inside of them meant. He seemed angry one second and interested the other, furios but also careful. Erwin’s memory is confused and he feels… he feels like it has shown too much of him to Levi and now he can’t go back.  

The way he has behaved, picking up a fight and indulging him into that messy violence might not have been the wisest choice. Erwin has let go of things that had been devouring him for months and only now he realizes he shouldn’t have. Mostly, he’s scared Levi’s attitude may change once again. Is he going to be angry? Is he going to pretend nothing ever happened or are they actually going to talk about this? Is he just going to leave again? 

But Levi didn’t kill him. He could have, but he didn’t. It surprises Erwin because that could have put an end to Levi’s mission. Kill him there, find the document either on him or his room and then flee. But Levi had hesitated and Erwin is still alive. He doesn’t know what to think of this, but he’s certainly not going to do it again. He needs to control himself and be a reasonable adult, not an animal. Even though Levi hadn’t been wrong, because Erwin had felt so alive in the middle of the chaotic rage despite the horrible feelings eating him from the inside. Fighting with Levi like that, not as children and not as a simple training, is an experience Erwin will never forget. 

As morning comes and the pale sun shines outside illuminates the sad world they live in Erwin drags himself around the room and gets dressed. He doesn’t look himself in the mirror but he knows there are evident signs on his body that make him look terrible and like he’s gone through hell. His muscles hurt and parts of his stomach ache at contact. His head still feels heavy and all he wants is to close his exhausted eyes but he knows he can’t, he wouldn’t be able to anyway. 

During the rest of the day, which he spends in his empty office, he keeps an eye out for Levi, especially after he notices his absence at breakfast in the dining hall. Mike tells him he’s seen him outside and when his friend asks him what happened Erwin waves it off because he doesn’t have the time to talk about it. Maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe he just wishes he could go back to the night before and stop himself before snapping on Levi. But what if the fight had actually helped, rather than worsening things? He can’t know until he talks to Levi. 

It’s only in the late afternoon, when the fog fades away and the sunset makes the sky look hot with a burning red and gold, that Erwin decides to head outside, trying to distract himself. There are still some groups of recruits around finishing their usual practice routine that Erwin has skipped that day, even though he should have helped and been there for it. It’s not until he crosses half of the field that he sees Levi. He stops, not knowing whether to call for him or just turn around and leave it alone, when he sees someone else walking beside him. 

Talking to him. And Levi isn’t arguing with them, he’s… he’s talking back. Normally, like he would with a friend or acquaintance, although his face looks as numb as always, if not annoyed. The girl walking lively beside him is taller than him, hair shorter than a boy and a tough, but lively attitude. Erwin has seen her sometimes but he’s not sure of who exactly she is, what’s her name and especially how is it that she’s talking to Levi and he hasn’t got rid of her already. 

Erwin stands there, watching them as his eyes widen and his eyebrows lift up. He sees her looking towards him for a moment, followed by Levi, and the two men’s stares lock. Erwin swallows hard and Levi’s expression stays empty and unmoved. The girls seems to be saying something to him, like she’s talking about Erwin and just when Erwin is about to take a step forward and go over there someone calls him from behind. 

It’s Hange, telling him Shadis has been looking for him and needs him right away. Erwin sighs and goes, asking her to tell Levi that he wants to see him later and when she nods and basically runs towards the smaller man and the girl he feels relieved. He has no idea what he’s going to say but he know he can’t leave things like this. He has to fix it, somehow. 

It’s almost midnight when he finally steps into his office again and crashes in his chair. He’s tired and the need for sleep is looming over him like a relentless cloud made only to rain on him. He rubs his face and runs a slightly shaking hand through his now messy hair. He looks at his hand and frowns. He really must be tired. Still thinking about Levi he doesn’t expect him to show up at this point, because it’s late and if he hasn’t come to talk to him before why should he now? He’s probably sleeping already and- 

“You wanted to see me?” 

Erwin looks up and sees Levi standing over his office’s doorstep. He hasn’t even heard the door opening, hasn’t heard him coming, a sign of how exhausted he is. However Levi’s sight wakes him up enough to focus his attention on him and follow his movements as he steps inside and leans against the wall near the door. Levi looks calm and impassive just as before, his arms crossed and his eyes steady over Erwin. He runs another hand through his hair and straightens up, aware that the way he looks right now is barely appropriate and he needs to at least behave as the squad leader he is. 

“Levi.”

He greets him and waves a hand towards the sofa as to tell Levi to sit down, but the other man only shakes his head once and doesn’t move. Erwin’s stare lingers over him for a second longer and then he snaps back into reality. He clears his throat and finally speaks, his voice sounding more tired than he thought, but still composed.

“I know things might be… hard, right now, but it’s important that you follow the orders we give you. If I say that you need to stay with me I mean it, and you know it’s not something I just made up. You have been absent for quite some time and if my superiors find out about this it won’t be nice for you.” 

Erwin says but Levi doesn’t reply, as he keeps looking at him. 

“This is not my fault. I know you are capable of behaving around others if you 

want but we...” Erwin stops, and sighs deeply bringing his eyes away from him. 

“Listen, Levi, I just wanted to-” Erwin is just about to apologize when Levi completely surprises him. 

“Pulling that knife of you yesterday was unprofessional, we were just sparring, I apologize.” 

Erwin’s eyes widen more and his mouth opens slightly in shock, he’s completely speechless in front of Levi’s strangely civilised behavior. He has no idea what is going on with him and before he knows it Levi talks again. 

“Is that all?” He asks with a blank, almost bored voice, and Erwin can’t help but just nod because Levi takes him completely by surprise. What else could he do? 

“Good.” Levi finishes and in less than a second he disappears from Erwin’s sight. 

Erwin stays where he is for several confused minutes, his head works too hard and his thoughts run so fast that it seems like he’s not thinking at all. Like time has stopped and he’s frozen. But then he snaps back and realizes that now it’s the time to talk to Levi. Now or never. 

He doesn’t find him in the barracks or in the training room. When he tries the field outside he meets the girl Levi had been talking to in the way and he asks her if she knows where he is. He talks quickly and doesn’t even notice the way she grins her reply away, looking at Erwin with cunning eyes, as she tells him that Levi is probably on the roof because that’s where he is most of the time. Erwin has no idea why she would know that but he nods and thanks her, hurrying to where Levi is supposed to be.

When Erwin takes the first step on the roof his heart stops, because what if Levi isn’t there? And if he is, like he’s hoping, what will he say? He shakes his head because it’s clear he’s reacting like a child and he has to do this, there is no way out. As the girl told him, Levi is indeed there. He’s sitting over the edge of the roof with his legs dangling and moving slowly and his arms supporting him, his face facing the bright moon and his hair falling behind blending in with the darkness of the night. Erwin breathes deeply and Levi’s head turns in a quick jerk towards him. 

Levi doesn’t look surprised, although his eyes narrow and a small frown appeares between his eyebrows. Then, Erwin sees him sigh lowly as he turns his head back to the clear dark-blue sky. Erwin’s heart slowly calms down, the silence of the night strangely comforting him as he approaches Levi and decides to sit down next to him, not too close but not even too far. Enough to look at him in the face and being able to study his expression, but Levi slightly turns his head to the other side almost hiding from him. 

“So you found me.” Levi says and Erwin is glad to hear his smooth voice once again, talking to him like a normal person and not blaming him for everything. 

“Yes. I hope I’m not bothering you too much…” Erwin tries, but there is no reply, just a little shrug of Levi’s tiny shoulders. “Your friend told me where you were.” 

“My friend?” Levi asks confused, still half hidden by his hair, now looking down. 

“Yes. The girl who you were talking to before, you know.” 

“Tch, she’s not my friend. She’s an annoying brat.” Erwin is not sure but something sounding slightly like unexpected affection comes out from Levi’s mouth, along with the usual irritation, though.

“Is she? I thought you two were talking.” 

“So what?” 

“Usually you just push them all away.”

“She’s very insisting.” 

“Hanji is too, but I don’t see you talking to her.” Erwin says, arching one curious eyebrow.

Levi sighs deeply again, shaking his head slightly and rubbing his face with his hand, covered in bruises from the night before. “Well, I guess she’s not that bad then. She’s okay.” 

“I’m glad you have someone to talk to.” 

“It’s not like I tell her all of my secrets and stuff.” Levi says with a low grunt. 

“What do you care anyway? Wish you were the one who could talk to me?” 

Erwin would be lying to himself if he said no, but he can’t tell Levi that. His thick eyebrows raise and he turns his head to the sky like Levi before. 

“If you wanted to, I wouldn’t say no.” He hears Levi snorts. “But, please, let’s not fight again.” 

“Yeah.” Levi replies suddenly sounding exhausted and Erwin turns his eyes to him. 

Levi lifts his head and stares back at him, his eyes look so big and beautiful like magic under the sparkling color of the starry night and Erwin sucks in his breath as he looks at him. He always manages to take his breath away. He can’t read what there is behind them, if it’s slight anger, tiredness or even surrender because it’s all too much to take in for him too and he needs a break from all of this. Erwin knows he does, anyway. Actually, Levi’s silver eyes look lonely and blue.

“Why are you here?” For once it’s Levi the one who asks that question, without breaking the unusually calm eye-contact.

“I-” Why is he here? He wanted to fix things but he has nothing to say. The reality of their situation and Levi’s real reason to be in the Corps is always looming over him and he can’t say what he really feels yet, he doesn’t even know what he feels. He’s not supposed to feel anything. 

“I thought you might want some company.” 

“As if I wasn’t used to being alone by now.” Levi rolls his eyes but he keeps facing him. Erwin is grateful for it.

“I can imagine that, but there’s nothing wrong with taking a break from the loneliness every now and then.” Erwin is subconsciously trying to make Levi feel better. 

“No.”

“What?” 

“You can’t imagine that, you have no idea what’s it like. So shut up about it.” Levi snaps, suddenly, but then he sighs again and turns his head up again.

_ I’m sorry,  _ it’s what Erwin would like to say but words can’t find their way out and he just stays silent. He has no right to be sorry for him, to pity him. But he’s not and all he knows is that he’s sure he knows what kind of loneliness Levi is talking about, but he doesn’t say anything. Maybe he doesn’t know, maybe he thinks they are still the same but he’s got it all wrong.

“Do you still have it?” Levi says out of the blue and Erwin’s thoughts leave him as he frowns and wonders what he’s talking about. 

“Have what?”

“The book. The one we-” It’s like it’s too hard for Levi to say it, but he pushes through and finishes his sentence. “The one we used to read together, about the legend of the milky way?”

Erwin’s blue eyes widen in surprise. “You still remember that?” 

“I never forgot about it.” Levi whispers as his sad and nostalgic voice fills the cold air and fades away like stardust in the night. Erwin can’t help but smile, slowly and gently, as he looks at Levi’s silhouette against the moonlight and his eyes rest on the other man’s lips. He can’t believe he’s just said that, but the truth is Erwin has never forgotten either.

“No, unfortunately, I don’t have it anymore. It got lost when I moved here and I never went back to look for it.” Erwin explains with calm, his stare still one Levi’s white profile.

“Ah, well that’s a real shame.” 

“You really liked that story, didn’t you?”

“You thought it was beautiful, I thought it was sad. Maybe that’s why I liked it that much.” Levi says and Erwin breathes in deeply as Levi’s reply make him feel young and like a child again. 

“And then you told me what the word shit meant for the first time.” Levi reminds him and Erwin, after a speechless second, can’t help but chuckle. It’s a short and muffled laughter, but it ends with a wistful smile. 

“I forgot about that.” 

“I didn’t. I remember so much, E-” Levi is about to say Erwin’s name, but he stops. He never says it. 

“I remember a lot, I’m surprised you don’t. Guess I wasn’t that important.” Levi snorts and closes his eyes, letting the moon illuminate his pale, still injured from their fight, face. 

“That’s not true.” He says almost insulted by the little faith Levi gives him. Erwin sees him frown with his eyes still closed and his mouth twists down. 

“You were my best friend.” Erwin doesn’t know why he says it, how he says it, why hasn’t anyone stopped him? He doesn’t want to make Levi angry again and he knows something like this would, but the broken words leave his mouth in a soft and low voice before he can’t stop them. 

“Then you just have a very shitty memory.” Levi replies and Erwin sighs, immediately relieved. It’s clear enough none of them wants to touch the subject for that night. They are both too tired to talk about it, and what good would it make?

“I remember the first time I made you watch the stars.” Erwin remembers that night so vividly in his head. 

Levi’s hesitance to step out of the woods, his hand leaving his tiny and scared one as he had told him to trust him and then to open his eyes. He remembers the calm around them and the nature surrounding them in that sweet hug that they could have only ever felt as innocent children as they were, he remembers how happy he was with Levi by his side thinking he was the luckiest boy on earth, in the entire universe. He remembers- 

He remembers wishing upon a shooting star for he and Levi to be friends forever. He wonders what had Levi wished for, but it feels like such a personal question to ask and he doesn’t want to break the silence first. 

Levi’s eyes open and they shine with bright stars in them. Levi looks exhausted but there is something in his face, that looks so old but so young at the same time, that tells Erwin that he’s remembering too. That he knows he had felt the same way but now it was just too late for that. 

“First time I’ve ever laughed.” Levi says and Erwin remembers that too. 

Levi turns his head and their eyes lock for a moment infinite as the vastness of the universe itself. It’s like they can see each other like kids for one more time, forgetting about Erwin’s mistake and Levi’s agonizing life for a second, and it’s heart breaking. It also makes Erwin smile down at the other man, with sadness and immense apology in it. He wishes Levi could forgive him, he wishes he could forgive himself, but he also know it’s not possible and he doesn’t deserve such thing. 

Then, Levi smiles back. 

It lasts less than a few surprising seconds but it makes Erwin’s heart stop in his rising chest, filled with sudden and brief hope, and it hurts. It hurts so much to see Levi’s smiling at him, and not the usual empty, cruel smirk, but a genuine smile that makes his face light up no matter how small it is and that makes him look like the happy child he once was, at least in Erwin’s company. Erwin wishes he could hear him laugh again, but he’s asking for too much.  

Levi’s smile fades aways as soon as it has come, but his cheeks flush slightly and Erwin’s mouth tilts up just a while longer.

Levi moves his eyes away and looks down at the field below them, ignoring both Erwin and the stars. 

“Really, do you have something to actually ask me or are you just here to make a fool out of me as I remember all of those dumb, useless things?” Levi asks and although his words are hostile and offensive Erwin knows it’s just a defensive mechanism used also to change the subject

“There is something else that I’ve been wondering for quite a while.” Erwin says in quite honesty. 

“Spit it out.” 

“All those weeks ago when you got mad at Darlett and attacked him, what did really happen?” Erwin asks and Levi grumbles under his breath. 

“What did the fucker even say?” 

“Not much. That he just made a comment about something and that you snapped, just like that.”

“Really? Just… made a comment, huh? I fucking hate that asshole.” Levi says shaking his head and with anger in his voice, but Erwin didn’t want to upset him. He almost reaches to touch his shoulder and calm him down, but he stops and Levi doesn’t seem to notice.

“I take it that’s not what happened then?” 

“I mean he did make a comment but…” 

“What did he say?” 

“He said I wasn’t even human for the way I killed that titan, that they didn’t need a crazy guy here anyway. He also insulted my mother along the lines, but I was fine with it. Who cares what he says? That’s not exactly what made me punch him like he fucking deserved.” 

Erwin raises his eyebrows, thinking to have a word or two with Darlett later for saying such things to potential amazing soldiers and feeling sorry for Levi because he shouldn’t be seen like that.

“Tell me.” Erwin encourages him to go on. 

Levi hesitates but eventually he gives in. “I don’t remember it that well but he said something about the expedition going to shit and that it was all your fault and not Shadis’. Like you were supposed to be the one to handle it for some fucking reason that I don’t know about and that then you just suggested to the commander to flee like cowards. As if he wasn’t shitless scared himself, can you believe it?” 

Levi ends up finishing in a quick rant but Erwin is not even sure he’s heard all of this right. He knows Darlett doesn’t think the best of him but he really doesn’t care right now. 

“Did you beat him up that way because he… because he insulted me?” Erwin asks, confused and nearly amused by this. Shocked, too.

Levi’s expression darkens for a moment and then he just looks awkward, like Erwin has caught him in the middle of something really embarrassing. 

“What? N-no.” Levi mumbles annoyed with the taller man, looking away from him. His fists clench at his sides and Erwin notices the way his whole body is trying to hide away from him and the distress caused by his side of the story. 

“It seems like it.” Erwin teases him with a small smile. 

“I just didn’t like the way he was talking about you.” Levi snaps, but it doesn’t make him sound actually guiltless. 

“I think you said much worse things. Directly to my face, too.” 

“Yes but I have my reasons, good reasons. His were stupid and false, and you might be a terrible person but you’re not a bad squad leader and I- I saw you with the other recruits and how much you work. I can hate you all I want, and trust me I do, but Darlett is a wrong jerk for that.”

“Should I say thank you? I’m not sure that is supposed to flatter me or insult me further.” 

“I don’t care what you think, just… just don’t say anything.” 

“As you wish.” Erwin smirks just slightly more and when Levi looks at him he rolls his eyes and pushes Erwin gently away, like he would all of those years ago. Erwin chuckles for a moment and then they both fall silent as they go back to look at the beautiful night sky above them. 

It’s strange, it feels like a dream and a completely different reality, it’s like they have always been friends and nothing ever happened. Erwin is not sure how much it lasts but they spend almost half an hour in silence on the roof like that, hands on the floor of it resting slightly closer than before. Erwin feels almost happy again, relaxed at least. The adrenaline from the anxiety caused by talking to Levi fades away and all of those missing hours of sleep start to fall on him. He yawns loudly, not meaning to, and that’s when Levi just stands up and tells him that it’s better if they go. Erwin agrees and they climb down the roof. 

They tell each other goodnight, Levi both hesitant and eager to leave, and finally when Erwin crashes on his bed he sleeps. It’s the most sleep he has gotten in months.  
  


***  
  


The next day he finds Levin in his office, but if Erwin thought things might have changed between them he’s wrong. Levi doesn’t say hello, he doesn’t even look at him and when Erwin tries to make conversation he snaps and mostly talks to him via quick and angry insults. It’s like he’s ashamed about the fact that they had actually talked and he had kind of opened up the night before. It makes Erwin slightly angry too, the way Levi seems to be just like before if not worse.

Well, at least he’s there and not gone somewhere else. 

Erwin leaves it alone until they both turn their head in a sudden jerk when they hear a loud murmur coming from outside the open window. 

“What now?” Levi asks annoyed, getting up in an agile movement and heading for the window. 

Erwin follows him and when they both look down they notice how several people in the field are muttering things to themselves as they are all looking up. Erwin wonders what they are staring at at first, but then someone points right at them, at Levi, and it’s obvious their problem -whatever it is- is with them.

“What the hell are they looking at?” Levi turns to look at Erwin, but he just frowns and shrugs. He has honestly no idea. 

They don’t have the time to question it some more when they get interrupted by the door slamming open and Mike standing over the doorstep, panting and looking like he’s seen a ghost. 

Erwin waits, arching one eyebrow, and when Mike talks he can’t help but feel hopeless and like his troubles will never actually stop. 

“They know he’s Wraith.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so, for the warnings fighting and violence and a bit of blood are definitely there! Possibly some sad thought but nothing much so yeah but I feel like I should warn people just in case 
> 
> anyway next chapter will be the actual one that will need warnings!!! next three chapters are going to be from Levi's pov! You'll find out about him and his story after the forest blah blah blah and poor Levi, he hasn't lived a happy life (whoops) 
> 
> thanks for reading as always btw! :D


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo~ 
> 
> So, this chapter is going to be from Levi's pov! You're going to read about what he feels and thinks, you're finally going to know about his past (not... all of it though, be patient eheh) and I'm saying it again but it will be from his pov for another two chapters after this :3 (honestly I got so attached and used to write from his pov ç_ç it'll be hard to go back to Erwin's ahah) ALSO TA DA DAAAN I'll introduce my OC here <3 please be kind to my baby ahah  
> anyway, for this one I'll add serious warnings at the end! (if you don't want spoilers though maybe don't read it? your choice my friends :3)

 

When a strange, fat and ugly man hidden in the shadows asks Levi to steal from the Survey Corps it doesn’t come so much as a surprise, it’s not the first time that happens. When the same strange man starts talking names Levi freezes and, after such a long time of numbness and emptiness, he feels a powerful feeling ripping his chest from inside out that makes him fume with a sudden thirst for revenge, mixed with incredible confusion. That man, Lobov, a disgusting idiot, a noble who only cares about money, speaks loud and clear when he tells Levi who he wants to see dead.   

Erwin Smith. 

Levi soon manages to calm down and conceal his emotions after that. He starts thinking about all the pros and cons, because Levi hasn’t felt in such a long time, learning how to think only to escape any kind of disappointment. He thinks to survive, to find food and money, to avoid being under anyone’s control after all he’s been through. It’s weird, considering he still has the same animal instincts as before, only powered by the incredible intelligence he had learned well how to exploit. Something he didn’t even know he had. 

The first time Lobov asks he tells him to go away, that he needs to think about it, and he doesn’t even let the man explain what his reward would be, because his head is too busy dealing with old feelings. The second time the man finds him Levi listens, after having thought about Erwin for nights and days only to end up feeling incredibly frustrated. He hadn’t seen him in years after that day in the crowded square, and he hadn’t even been sure it was him since his mind had been somewhere else entirely and hunger and apathy had been slowly killing him at the time. 

It only makes him feel even angrier, because why could Erwin Smith have fun in some dark alley and he had to sell his body just to put something solid between his teeth. He had hated him even more since then. However, he can’t stop thinking about everything else Erwin had meant for him once. It’s incredibly, stupidly frustrating, and to think that he had taken him so long to quietly forget about it, to push the memories aside and go on with his miserable life. 

The third time Levi says yes, after being promised a new life, money, clothes, food, a good job and a piece of shit of house that at least would have been his and his alone. His own home. Levi is a famous criminal, he kills and steals for a living, which has turned him into a known cold monster, but that doesn’t mean that what the man has offered him isn’t what he craves the most. Peace. Lobov even promises him some place near the woods, and the thought alone is enough to make him accept. What does he have to lose? And so he decides that yes, he’s going to steal whatever he has to steal -which is not the difficult part- and he will kill Erwin Smith. 

He only deserves it. 

It feels wrong, but Levi is not supposed to feel anymore. 

 

***  
  


Levi manages to lure Erwin into the woods tactically after a couple of days. He waits hidden in the trees impatiently, with a new kind of anxiety that beats along with the loud sound of his heart, and then, when he finally sees Erwin again, the sight breaks him and completes him at the same time. Even though he had been studying his moves when the other man was looking for him, Levi still hadn’t seen him clearly and when he finally does… he doesn’t know what to think. 

Erwin looks so different. So different from the boy he had last seen too, and Levi’s perfect vision is not lying to him. Erwin has become a man, tall and broad and he looks so strong. Not that Levi has a problem with that, he knows he can take him down, but memories of a skinny fragile kid can’t even start to compare with the man he’s looking at. Erwin is so different, but somehow his eyes are still the same, his full lips and his eyebrows too. He still looks like the person that killed his friends, his family, like the person that broke his heart and destroyed him.

Levi attacks him knowing he can’t kill him just yet, knowing that he has a job to do even though his hands are ready to deprive him of his life no matter what. But they don’t. They don’t and something clicks inside of Levi as he realizes he doesn’t- he can’t do it. He could kill any man, any time, but now the idea of hurting Erwin makes his head hurt and his heart throb painfully. And so he warns him, he gives him a chance but that idiot calls him beautiful and Levi feels like someone has shoved him against a wall and slapped him hard in the face with incredible kindness.  

They fight, they groan and struggle and eventually Erwin does what Levi was expecting him to do. He asks him to join the Corps. He doesn’t take him much to say yes, pretending not to want it, pretending he doesn’t want to go with him, that he’s reluctant to the idea and that he wants to be alone. At one point Levi wonders whether he’s actually going because of Lobov or because he’s just genuinely curious and still blinded by anger and the idea of, eventually, killing Erwin. 

Just not now, he can’t do it now, he doesn’t want to. He realizes already this is a problem he shouldn’t have, it’s going to mess everything up. 

_ Fuck. _

It’s so frustrating because what the hell is going on? First he feels like he could snap Erwin’s neck in less than a second, then he almost lets him go, and then again he keeps imagining his revenge in his head all over again. 

He tries so hard not to focus on the man in front of him and to only think of what his life has being since that terrible day. 

It helps.

It doesn’t help when Erwin makes him ride with him on the single horse and notices Levi is still wearing his watch. Levi wants to kick him off the animal and run away but instead he makes up a cruel excuse and doesn’t tell Erwin that he had tried so many times to get rid of it, to destroy the memory and fondness that comes along with it, but that every time he would go back. 

After the awful night in the claustrophobic cell that makes him remember his childhood, the white rooms and the men he still can’t identify, after having introduced himself to everyone else and being shown his filthy quarters, Levi takes the watch off and never wears it again. He doesn’t throw it away, though. 

He can’t.

***

It’s easier to be around who he imagines are Erwin’s best friends, even though he doesn’t talk to them, than to be around him. It’s harder to be around every other person at the camp instead because they all act like they are either scared or too arrogant to care he is a human being too. From what he knows no one there should be aware he’s Wraith, a name he hadn’t even chosen for himself but that his actions had given to him, but pretending to come from the Underground doesn’t grant him any peace either. 

Everyone thinks badly of him, deciding he’s some scum boy that doesn’t deserve to be there, and since Levi is not that big on patience he has shown them already that he has quite the temper and it’s better if they stay away. But they don’t, and Levi gets in more fights than he knows. Usually he wouldn’t give in like that, not during a personal mission, but everything feels so much heavier, pressuring and impossible knowing that Erwin is around. One minute he wants to kill him and the other he wants to talk to him. In the end he ends up going around the camp avoiding him or anyone else and spending his free hours looking for possible places where the tall man could be keeping his documents. 

The other part of his time he spends it training, which makes him feel a tiny bit better… and with Darlett’s squad. He doesn’t know why, or maybe he does because the man has an awful creepy face and a terrible attitude towards him, but he really doesn’t like Darlett. He doesn’t understand why he can’t be in Erwin’s squad, which would make it easier to obtain the documents. However he’s happy he’s not. He’s aware of how his heart stops every time he sees the man simply running around in the morning, all sweaty and casual, and perfect in a very disturbing way, and he doesn’t know what would happen if he had to see him properly working out. It’s not that Levi feels anything about it, but he does, and Erwin’s sight is unusually distracting and not for the usual reasons. Not for the anger, the pain, or the revenge he craves. Levi has to shake his head several times a day to forget about thoughts like this one. 

What the hell is he thinking?

But the thing is that he’s slowly learning what kind of man Erwin has become and, handsome looks apart, he seems to have become important, respected, smart and people rarely even question him or his decisions. He’s not a commander yet but, somehow, it seems like people listen to him more than Shadis, which Levi doesn’t even find odd since Shadis only looks like a scared drunk who plays at being a good commander but really isn’t, although he doesn’t doubt he once was one. Erwin barely gets mad, yet he keeps scolding Levi because he fights and doesn’t ‘behave’, which seems to be the other man’s favorite word. 

Levi doesn’t give a shit about that, besides it would only look suspicious if he did. Erwin seems to be reserved, quiet, and kind but at the same time, when he has to say something important, his words resound loud and clear and sometimes even Levi finds himself believing in them. He has no idea how the man does it but it’s like he has the power to make people listen to him and agree with what he’s saying, whatever it is. It seriously pisses Levi off, he guesses telling all of those stories when he was young had actually helped. 

Despite everything Levi doesn’t want to be near him, Erwin makes him jumpy and distracted and the more time passes the more his head feels dizzier around the man and he doesn’t know what to think or what to do. He should kill him, kill him there and then without any regrets and just leave, but every time he ends up stopping himself from doing so and when he tries, even alone, to say his name his tongue gets stuck and his eyes burn. 

This goddamn mission will turn him into a weak, whiney, hopeless asshole and he doesn’t want that. He has gone through so much already, he really can’t believe that he would give up just because of a blond tall man he’s always hated, it’s not fair...

Useless to say that the constant fights don’t stop and it’s especially during times like these that Levi decides that it’s all too much. The idea of hearing Erwin telling him once again why he shouldn’t behave like that makes him delirious, rather than amused like the first few times, and so he leaves.

He’s aware of the chaos he leaves behind himself at the camp but he doesn’t care and instead he falls into his usual routine of vices for another day. He heads for the city dirty and messed up as he is, not even caring at this point, although the idea makes him itchy and he feels like shit, and goes straight to the only places he knows where people will respect him and leave him alone. Places where they know him and wouldn’t even dare place a single hand on him. He tries to get drunk and fails, because he knows that for him to get drunk it would take one entire night and the strongest kind of alcohol (he still doesn’t know why). Eventually he finds the first man inebriated enough to go with him without being scared and fucks him hard against the wall of a dark alley. 

However, he fails again. It only makes him remember of Erwin fucking a stupid kid’s mouth all of those years ago and the thought makes him harder at first and then so frustrated that he can’t even enjoy it anymore. Not that he ever does, but at least he usually manages to make something out of it, especially now that he can finally be the one in control, the one giving and not the one taking it. He’s not sure that will ever happen again, not after everything. 

Levi leaves the drunk man outside, knocking him out with a fast blow, and runs until the sun his up and his legs finally,  _ finally _ , begin to feel tired. He feels so filthy and helpless that he wants to throw up but his annoyingly healthy body doesn’t even try. He hates this, he hates that seeing Erwin after all these years fucks with his head so much and that instead of seeing things in black and white like always Erwin is mixing the colors up for him, until the only thing he can see is the clear blue of his goddamn eyes. 

In the end Levi makes himself throw up anyway, hoping it will leave him empty again. It doesn’t.

When he goes back, of course he doesn’t tell Erwin where he’s been, getting annoyed when he asks because he should know he wouldn’t say it anyway. He calms down when Erwin says he wants to talk and starts walking towards his office. Levi’s mind is already thinking like the thief and murderer he is and he’s ready to actually do it. 

Or is he? Fuck, does he even want to?

It doesn’t matter because Erwin doesn’t stop by his office and instead brings him to his private quarters. Levi can’t say he’s not actually surprised by that, he makes some sarcastic comment and in the meantime his eyes scan the whole room but there is nothing worth of attention. Only a bed, a small closet, two chairs at the side of one small desk and a bedside table. 

_ Well, so much for a squad leader’s room.  _

When Erwin explains the reason for this Levi doesn’t know how to react, but he lets him. He feels the tension buzzing between them in the air of the cold night as the man works with his hair and his callouses, but still soft fingers touch the skin around his neck a bit too much, pressing and caressing where he shouldn’t. Levi tenses at that, but he doesn’t stop him because no one has ever touched him like that, with such gentleness and care and almost wanted hesitation, and when they look at each other after Erwin finishes with his beard too, Levi has to clench his fists around the chair not to snap and just run away because it’s all too much. Then he realizes he couldn’t even if he wanted to, Erwin’s mesmerizing eyes keeping him exactly where he is. 

Shit. 

He doesn’t look at himself in a mirror because he genuinely doesn’t care about what he looks like and he hasn’t looked at himself in so long he’s not sure he can even manage that. Levi wants to leave as soon as possible, his hands fidgeting, his body language showing off more than he wants and his fingers scratching at the base of his neck where Erwin has just finished touching him. That’s when Erwin gives him the white tie and that’s when Levi almost loses it, although he knows better than showing any of this. He pretends to be sarcastic and impassible as ever but he’s dying inside, and looking at the other man is so painful and at the same time so comforting he wants to kick himself in the ass because he knows it’s wrong. So wrong. 

He hates him.

Does he?

Levi barely takes the tie off after that.

***

Luckily for him, Erwin is busy enough with his own formation-something-plan and Levi gets to spend some more time alone trying to figure out how to get out of the situation and find the documents as soon as possible. 

It’s not much after that that a weird loud woman, someone that everyone calls Hange, starts talking to him and he’s not sure he has ever talked with anyone more annoying than her. She never leaves him alone once he finds him, she comments on things he prefers not to remember or things he doesn’t even know about himself but that are apparently true. She seems so dumb and naive but it takes Levi less than two hours with her to understand she probably has one of the most brilliant minds among everyone at the Corps, Levi is almost ready to say she’s smarter than Erwin too. 

Still damn annoying, though. She smells too, and Levi doesn’t like people who stink.

She asks so many questions that he doesn’t want to answer and when she starts implying that he’s Wraith he has to stop the impulse to punch her in the face to make her shut up. Eventually he pretends not to hear her anymore, finding her amusing from time to time -especially when she playfully mocks Erwin and he can’t really deny that she is funny- and it’s only after three days that he gives in and admits his identity. She looks happier than a baby when he tells her, not so much when after one single second he has his hands around her neck making her promise never to tell anyone. She smiles and nods, and he lets her go.

Apparently now she keeps telling everyone they are friends and Levi can’t do anything but roll his eyes and pretend she’s not an actual threat. He almost likes her and her dark-red hair and weird glasses, there is something about her energy that manages to make him enjoy her presence which is new for him. 

It’s good to know at least someone thinks they can be his friend, not that he needs any. 

***

The first time he steps outside the walls it’s the happiest day of his life. All anxiety gets left behind, every tiny worrying thought, every responsibility, even the hatred he feels for every soldier there and especially for Erwin leaves his head for the first few minutes and even though he doesn’t fully smile he can’t help but show the wonder on his face. 

His eyes open so widely and he’s only angry he can’t look at everything at once, absorbing the view around him and never forgetting it. It all looks so… free. Space is wide and open ahead of him and when he looks at Erwin after a while, knowing the man is carefully following him, he can’t help but feel the same spark of adrenaline and excitement he would have felt when they were children playing around the woods. And that’s exactly what the first part of that expedition turns into, Levi teasing Erwin that he can go faster than him and Erwin running along side with him. 

He feels light and like he has the whole world in the palm of his hand, he feels like nothing has ever changed, no one has ever died and he never hurt. He feels like this is it, this is where he’s truly meant to be and the smile in Erwin’s blue eyes convinces him of it. Or at least it does until a titan arrives and Erwin’s expression changes from young to worried and they can’t play anymore; the moment is destroyed and Levi knows everything he wishes for had never actually happened and he can’t change anything. Farlan and Isabel are still dead, his life is still a painful mess and he still hates Erwin, he still blames him. 

Levi, pissed off by the sad realization and the broken day-dream, decides he doesn’t even care what the plan is because if he doesn’t release the need to vent with violence and strength now he will regret it later. And so he takes off and brings the titan down as if it was nothing, he almost misses it as he rolls in the air and slays the back of his hot neck. He doesn’t care for it, but he knows it’s not surprising at all, he had realized quite a long time ago that his strength and abilities were different than anyone else’s and that there is something seriously wrong with him and the way he can handle fights, violence and even pain. 

When he kills his first titan he doesn’t feel anything, not until he sees the proud smirk on Erwin’s face and his cheeks almost flash up in front of him. 

Damn it, why should he care what the other man thinks of him and his skills? He doesn’t. He doesn’t care. 

When they go back Hange basically forces him to eat with her, Erwin, Mike and another girl named Nanaba. Levi is not even sure she’s a girl but he doesn’t care. He barely makes it through the meal without looking at Erwin and trying to avoid every possible question. It’s obvious he’s uncomfortable but no one seems to care, when do they ever? It’s not that he doesn’t like Erwin’s friends, but they are not exactly his friends too and he knows the most he stays away the better. It wouldn’t be the first time that he, like an idiot, has gotten fond of someone during a long time job just to leave them behind later, he knows better than that. 

***

After he fights with Darlett Levi understands that he, too, is a goddamn idiot. 

He loses it just because the man vaguely insults Erwin, feeling angry and furious exactly as he had during those times when Erwin would come to him, when they were young, telling him that his classmates had beaten him up or merely mocked him. It’s stupid, it’s so stupid that he still feels that protective of him, but he can’t stop it and before he knows it he’s on Darlett ready to punch him to death while his head leaves for a bad and numbly violent place. 

Erwin eventually stops him as he brings him back to reality, whispering things in his ear that make him come back even though he hates him for it because Erwin shouldn’t have that power over him. No one should. 

Not again. 

He knows he’s in trouble, but when Erwin tells him that he’s supposed to spend every living minute with him he wants to break every single bone in his body and scream at him because how the hell is he supposed to handle that? Erwin doesn’t even seem to understand what the problem is. It’s not the privacy, it’s not that he can’t go around free doing what he wants (even though that’s what he tells him)... it’s that Levi is not sure he can stand being in Erwin’s company for that long without letting doubts eating him alive, without feeling torn between attacking him or forgiving him.

No. He promised himself he would never do that, ever.

But then why does it feel so different now? It’s so weird. Levi is so used to being either angry or empty all the time, but now Erwin keeps showing him this annoying, maddening kindness and it makes him crazy. Not that the other man never gets upset too, but Levi hasn’t been treated like a normal human being in so long he doesn’t know what to make of this, of Erwin’s careful hands on his shoulder from time to time when he needs to calm down and he happens to be there, of Erwin’s willingness to open the window for him even if it’s freezing outside, of his absurd warm voice talking to him like it doesn’t matter that he has killed and stolen and that he’s going to do the same to him too, soon. 

Days pass by while Levi stays in Erwin’s office and the only thing that calms him down is sleep or shutting his brain off. Some other times he gets extremely bored rather than confused or pissed and he has the sudden urge to move or just… do something. He tries talking to him sometimes but it doesn’t really work, Erwin seems so busy with work and it’s obvious he doesn’t have time for him. Which only makes him angrier because what’s the point of this if he can’t even talk with the man? 

He hates this just as much as he hates Erwin. The only good moments he has are when he trains outside, but even those get spoiled by Erwin’s presence as he knows the tall man is staring at him and Levi doesn’t know whether he should be pleased or he should just tell him to stop. He doesn’t, because he does the same every time Erwin is not looking at him. It’s like a game of stolen glances that both of them think the other isn’t aware of. It’s so stupid but Levi can’t stop.

They fall into a quiet routine, then. 

***

Levi can’t say things are bad, not even between him and Erwin. It’s still weird to be there with him after all that time but somehow he gets used to his presence, slowly, although he never stops feeling careful and suspicious of him. They have light conversations sometimes, none of them makes anything too obvious but Levi notices Erwin seems to know more than he should. 

Levi doesn’t dwell on it because he knows it wouldn’t make any difference, but then why would Erwin push about him leaving? Why would he offer him his help? And why does he keep looking at him with those tired and worried eyes? Levi could- wants to be wrong but it seems like Erwin is trying to tell him that he knows what he’s there for and to just get over it, but that can’t be. No one is supposed to know about this and Levi knows he has covered any kind of sign well enough. Sometimes he stays up entire nights thinking about it, some other nights instead are spent among memories and soft far touches. 

Despite Erwin’s dubious words and gestures Levi goes on with his life and his plan, trying to blend in, or at least to draw less attention on himself. Eventually people stop bothering him too much, even Darlett, who hasn’t really talked to him properly since the last time they fought, and Levi can have some peace. And he gets it. 

During Christmas Eve he even thinks that all of this feels normal, could feel normal despite who he is and what he’s done. Not even Erwin bothers him so much anymore, mostly because he has learned how to keep the bad thoughts away since he had to spend most of his time with the man, but it works and he can’t complain. They are still strangers to each other in Levi’s opinion but being in his presence is less heavy on his chest and he can breathe a little again, most of the times.

It doesn’t last. 

When Levi wakes up on Christmas day with the window completely open from the cold wind and he still feels warm, he realizes something is wrong. In less than a second he notices the jacket placed over him and in less than another quick, angry moment he knows whose jacket that is. He doesn’t know why Erwin has done that but it makes him irrationally furious with the man. It brings his mind back to days in the forest when he would wrap himself in Erwin’s blanket for hours just to be comforted by Erwin’s smell, and before he happens to subconsciously do the same with the present jacket he shoves himself off the sofa and makes sure that Erwin knows that he can’t do things like that. They aren’t friends anymore. 

The fact that they have been able to have calm conversations doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean Levi isn’t there to kill him, and how dare he? Levi’s vision is red with his old friends’ spilled blood he remembers, oh so well. Friends Erwin killed. Erwin doesn’t deserve to be his friend and Levi doesn’t deserve any kind of kindness because he’s the one who had trusted him and had let that happen. It’s all his fault. 

The very same day, after storming off away from a confused and worried Erwin that Levi doesn’t want to deal with, he meets her. 

He ends up walking around the nearest, most crowded town he finds on his way after having decided that, even though he could go back to the woods, it’s not worth the trip and he shouldn’t let his emotions control him like that anyway. He shouldn’t feel, not even if it’s anger at this point, which had usually always only helped him. And so he tries to cool himself off by going around without a destination and hoping to blend in with everyone around him without being noticed at all. Instead, he’s the one that notices something, someone. 

It’s around noon when he hears someone, a girl he guesses, crying muffled screams from around the corner. That’s when he finds himself walking towards some hidden place behind two houses built extremely near each other that form a narrow dark corridor before opening up in a shabby courtyard that it’s evidently left to itself because the grass is tall and uneven and there is garbage everywhere. The best place for two bull idiots to bring a girl and do whatever they want with her, not that she looks that weak, but Levi has his reasons to think she won’t be able to handle this. 

“The hell do you want?” 

One of the boys, the taller one who has dark skin, creepy eyes and such broad shoulders he looks twice Levi’s size, talks first as soon as he realizes that Levi is there. The other doesn’t let the girl go but all three of them turn towards Levi and freeze for a moment. Especially the girl, whose pale green eyes widen up in surprise more than relief, while she stays completely silent and still with her mouth slightly open.

“Maybe you want to leave her alone.” Levi simply replies, standing still in front of the pathetic scene. 

“No way.” The girl whispers incredulous staring at Levi, and when he moves his glare over her one of his eyebrows arches because that’s not the reaction he was expecting.

“Fuck off.”  The other boy, looking mostly like the other one only with lighter skin and impressively long hair, says as he tightens the grip around the girl’s neck. Levi takes a tiny step forward at that. 

“Yeah, why are you here anyway little one?” The first one talks and laughs without any emotion in his voice, only mockery and incoming irritation. Then he turns toward the girl again and seizes her face with his hand, squeezing her cheeks. 

“This one your boyfriend, huh? He’s really cute but I don’t think he can save you, princess.”  

“Maybe we can have fun with both of them.” The other one suggests and Levi shivers. He feels the annoying, angry feeling he has often felt during his adolescence and late childhood coming back slowly and dangerously. 

But then she laughs. “I really want to see this!” 

She looks truly amused, confident and not scared at all, the sound of her voice echoes among them freely. Levi can’t help but notice the easiness in her big bright smile and the way her eyes squeeze in when she grins. He takes a few seconds to look at her, as the other two guys shut up briefly in shock. They’ve called her princess but she’s dressed like a boy, pants, and shirt larger than her thin but definitely strong body, and Levi can see the muscles in her arms and wonders when and how could a normal girl even get those? Why? But then he thinks it’s not that weird because, as his gaze runs up her body and ends up on her face, he realizes she’s not what he would call a typical town girl.

She looks young, very young. Taller than Levi too, but that’s not so weird either. Her skin is tanned, almost dark and it illuminates her face framed by high feminine cheekbones, thick eyebrows and very short and dark hair, shorter than his or Erwin’s. Her green eyes are big and, along with what seems to be the most natural smile Levi has ever seen, they bring the attention away from her not so perfect face. Levi scans her and his eyes drop over her left cheek where her skin creases and has a slightly redder color to it. It looks like a scar, like she had been burnt, and the sight has the power to oddly comfort Levi. Despite all of that Levi knows anyone would find her really pretty, not that he cares at all. 

“Shut her up!” The tallest boy says and Levi comes back to reality. The other guy slaps her in the face but she doesn’t look scared anymore. Actually, now that Levi thinks about it, she hadn’t looked afraid before either, when he’d first stepped in. Maybe she could handle them in the end. 

Levi sighs, not willing to wait for any of them to annoy him any further, because he’s pretty sure they would only end up saying stupid arrogant comments, and decides to get rid of them quickly. 

As he steps forward his hearing shuts down, he ignores whatever surprised angry shit they are saying and in less than one minute he has the taller boy on the ground with several broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder and the other one with a broken nose going in circle dizzy from the strong blow Levi hit him with on his neck. It’s taken him less energy than he thought, but then he sighs again and actually helps the dark-skinned boy to get up -not in a gentle way- and basically kicks them away from the yard and just like that, they are gone. What a waste of time. 

“No way!” 

Levi turns around in a jerk and suddenly remembers the girl is still there, with a pleasantly shocked face, and she’s looking at him like she has just seen a pig fly. 

“Can you stop saying that?” 

Levi sighs again, looks at her for a moment more and then he turns around to leave. He quickly walks back through the narrow corridor and looks to both sides of the road out of habit before going out in the open, but before he looks to right he feels someone behind him. 

“What the fuck!” 

Levi exclaims as he turns around and finds the girl close to him and behind his back invading his personal space. His heart jumps, but he manages to calm down soon enough. _ Fucking hell. _ It’s so frustrating because this never happens, it’s hard to take him by surprise, but she’s able to... why? He takes a step backwards and watches her grinning like an idiot. 

“I can’t believe what I’ve just seen!” She says happily, clapping her hands together once and tilting her head to the side like an excited dog. 

“What the hell are you talking about? You’ve never seen someone beat up some guys? Grow up.” 

Levi snaps back as all he wants to do is to turn back and be alone, but she’s insistent and when he takes the first steps out of the alley she follows him like a trained puppy… Levi wonders if that’s what he looks like beside Erwin but the thought makes him suddenly sick and he’s starting to get really annoyed.

“You  _ saved  _ me!” She squeals and laughs, and Levi rolls his eyes as his fists clench. 

“So what? You were the one screaming.” He grunts. “You were probably going to get raped brutally if not killed, that what you wanted?” 

“What? Of course not!” She hits him with a strong pat on his arm which Levi can’t even believe, and goes on. “I was going to handle them, you know? But you saved me... this is amazing!” 

Levi frowns with his eyes wide and confused and actually shocked for a second, his whole face an expression of pure disbelief. 

“If you could handle them then why didn’t you sooner?” 

She shrugs. “Well, you know, I wanted to have fun. Watch them think they are so much better and then bam!” She ends in another loud laugh. 

“Are you stupid?” Levi can’t help but ask. 

“No… even though, you know, people always ask me that!” She pouts, crossing her arms over her chest which only shows off more of her muscles, and seems to think to herself.

“I wonder why.” Levi says rolling his eyes again. 

“Ehy!” 

“Any chance you are related to someone called Hange? She’s crazy just like you.” He says as he thinks of the similarities he can find between the two women after the first impression. 

“No, but I know her! Well, of course I do...” She says with a big smile, swinging her foot back and forth and raising her eyebrows as she gets more excited than before. 

“And of course I know who you are too!”

“What?” Levi thinks, for a second, that she knows who he really is but then he thinks about it a moment longer and if she knows Hange that means… 

“You’re in the Survey Corps.” He states, not even a question at this point, while the idea makes him feel extremely uncomfortable.

“You got it, baby!” She bits her bottom lip in a big, but refrained smile. Levi freezes when she calls him like that, he wants to tell her never to do it again but instead he sighs (again) and keeps walking.

“Leave me alone.” He tells her lastly, but she follows him anyway. This time, Levi doesn’t stop going… wherever he’s going. Anywhere is better than here right now anyway. 

“Don’t you wanna know my name?” She says as she slowly runs and jumps excitedly beside him. 

“No.” He couldn’t have sounded emptier and more lacking of interest than that even if he wanted, but she’s stubborn. 

“Well that’s rude, because I know what your name is so it’s only fair if you know mine.” 

“Where the hell did you hear that?” 

“Nowhere I just made it up.” She giggles and Levi finds it so weird, how she still hasn’t backed off. “So,  _ Levi _ ? Do you want to know my name?” 

The sound of his own name doesn’t have any effect on him at all but since he doesn’t want to punch a girl in her face in the middle of the street, he grants her stupid wish. 

“Tell me your name, then.” His voice is still flat as he avoids insulting her, even if he wanted to, because what would be the point? She grins so widely Levi has to stop for a single second. 

“My name is Aryaa!” She’s so enthusiastic about it, it sounds like she’s telling the whole world she’s won some kind of big price. 

Levi starts walking again and clicks his tongue. “Good to know.” 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

Levi is sure he’s going to end up punching her, so sure. 

“No.” 

“I’ll ask anyway, baby!” 

“Okay, first of all-”

Levi stops and steps forward her, pointing a strong finger against her chest and looking as menacing as he can, gazing up at her. Not that he works, and it pisses him off so much he could explode, why isn’t she afraid? Why isn’t there even a hint of fear or at least worry in her annoyingly happy eyes? But then Levi realizes that that’s what he’s wished all his life… for people not to be afraid, even though he had been the one to bring it on himself. It only confuses him more, she’s just like Hange, like Erwin if not worse, she doesn’t care. But she doesn’t know a lot of things about him, just like the blond man. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are? If there is a baby here that’s you not me. How old even are you-” 

“I’m eighteen, actua-” 

“Shut up, I wasn’t actually asking!” Levi raises his voice without realizing it and is then forced to clear his throat to avoid external attention. He squints his eyes and looks at her seriously again. 

“And second of all. No, you can’t ask me any questions and just- just stop following me. I don’t care if you belong to that mass of suicidal idiots or if you know Hange or whatever, just leave me alone.”

He steps back, releasing the hem of her shirt he hasn’t even noticed he had grabbed in the meantime. 

“Wow.” 

“Wow- Seriously? Wow,  _ what _ ?” He asks, before losing every bit of patience he has left. 

“I never heard you talk so much at once. I don’t think anyone ever has. Yes, sure maybe Squad Leader Smith has, but damn you can talk!”

“That is such a dumb affirmation.” Levi sighs slowly giving up. She is actually worse than Hange. He keeps on walking, getting closer and closer to the Corps camp again, Aryaa still behind him. 

“Okay, so, about that question right?”

“What did I just tell you?”

“Yeah yeah you’re all big and scary… well, big-” She giggles, but knows better than to say something else when he manages to actually warn her to shut up for real with a killer glare. 

“Are you a good person?” She asks then, and suddenly she’s serious like she means it even though there is still the ghost of a smile on her face. 

“Do I look like one?” Levi draws his eyebrows together, confused by the question. What the hell? He surely doesn’t want to even think about it. 

“No. But you just acted like one, so, are you a good person?”

“No, I’m not a good person.” He grumbles. 

“Mh, okay, so then why did you save me?” 

“Apparently I’m an idiot for doing so, I should learn to mind my own business.”

“Maybe.” She giggles going back the her usual self. “I still think you’re a good guy, though.” 

“Whatever.”

“Sure thing, baby.”

Levi ends up punching her anyway, not in her face but her strong arm would do. She laughs. 

Somehow, when Levi goes back to his quarters after having spent the whole afternoon with Aryaa, managing not to snap her neck during the first hour or so and then gradually getting used to her presence already, he ends up thinking how much she vaguely reminds him of Isabel, rather than Hange. Same lively spirit, similar laugh, apparently same love for animals and other little invisible things. It hurts.

***

Levi spends more days than usual outside camp, wandering in the nearest crowded places for hours at day and not caring about what Erwin or anyone else thinks. There is so much going on in his head he doesn’t know how to make it go away, only he  _ knows _ . He knows even too well but he’s technically working and he shouldn’t, really shouldn’t go there. His body loosening up, his mind relaxing and losing sense of time. No, not now. Instead he spends hours thinking of how much he misses the forest, although at the same time it’s better to stay away right now.

Levi’s memories drown him slowly as his feet take him anywhere and everywhere at the same time, as long as he can stay away from everyone else. Away from Erwin, because Levi is still not talking to him. 

But is that what he really wants?

It doesn’t matter because the town takes away his will and traps him, but in a good way. Levi remembers how long had it taken him to get used to it, to the people, to the smell of sweat, dirt, food and shit, to the loud and disturbing noise of everything around him, to the streets made either of ruined cobblestones or neat ground under him so different from the wild soil of the woods. It had been hell at the beginning, and he remembers it so well. 

It hadn’t taken him long to get away from the forest all of those years before, surprisingly helped by Kenny, the man who had apparently saved his life. Levi had stayed with him for a while and he remembers, he can still feel, the fear and anxiety he had felt the first time he had stepped into the nearest town after visiting Kenny’s place. He had thrown up several times and clinged to the man like life itself no matter how many times Kenny had kept shrugging him away embarrassed by the weak pathetic kid Levi had once been. 

But Kenny wasn’t always like that, somehow he had cared and once at home he had treated Levi better than he could have hoped for. If the city was terror and panic, Kenny’s place was a kind of odd safe house where he could rest. The older man had told him that they were lucky, that they could have been living in the Underground by that time and that Levi should have been very grateful for being there. And he had been. 

The fake calm hadn’t lasted long though, not long at all, not enough for an eight-year-old child. One day Kenny had woken him up out of the blue and started hitting him while Levi still had to adjust to being awake after having slept in a bed that had felt nothing like the soft grass of the forest, but that had given him comfort anyway. At least it was clean. Levi had started reacting to the beating at last and Kenny had smiled, proud, just before handing him a knife. Levi’s first knife.

_ “Best way to learn how to fight is to learn while doing it. I don’t know how to do the whole teaching shit kid, but you gonna have to learn how to defend yourself in this piece of shit world we live in and I’m sure as hell going to make a goddamn good fighter out of you. For your mom.” _

The words are still printed in Levi’s mind, words that have never left him and in which he had believed since the first moment, or at least since the first week of what Kenny had been calling training. Levi had learned, managing to fight better than his own teacher after only a month or two and being able to use that knife just as he had used rocks and hands with animals in the woods. Kenny had never said anything, but Levi remembers the kind of looks he would give him, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. Sometimes, but Levi still isn’t sure, it had looked like Kenny had been actually afraid of him. A child, just a lonely quiet kid. Kenny had taught him all he knew in the end and Levi, despite still missing the forest and not being used to the dirty city, had managed to spend an entire year by his side, as his useful shadow. 

Walking by every filthy house, among loud children and tired women, drunk men and those little honest workers, in the middle of an especially cold windy afternoon with a grey sky looming over him, Levi almost feels nostalgic of those days. They had been peaceful, or at least they had been the calmest ones after the forest and before the other part of his miserable life. 

But then a flash of a memory takes him by surprise and Levi grimaces and frowns, remembering why he had left and how everything had ended. Kenny, that bastard, one day had felt especially sad, and guilty, and drunk, and had told him how he had been the reason why Levi had spent the first few years of his life in a cage or in a forest outside the world. Because Kenny had needed the money and he hadn’t known what to do with him,  _ you were just a tiny baby _ , he had said and Levi still doesn’t know what those words mean. Had Kenny known him for so long? He has no idea, only vague memories. All he had known was that he had been hunted or tortured, depending on the day, because of him and even though Levi had been only nine years old it hadn’t stopped him from understanding and raging against the man. He remembers hitting Kenny just the way he had taught him but with twice the strength and running away from him. 

He had never seen the man ever again. 

Better that way. 

But where could Levi go? After leaving a mad and upset Kenny behind he had ended up going back to the forest but damn, hadn’t he been scared as hell to be there? It had been so risky no matter how well he had known the place, what if the big men would have found him again? He couldn’t go through that, not after losing Isabel and Farlan, not after losing- 

No. He hadn’t been willing to think about that all those years ago, and he isn’t about to think about it now, even though it is true that he had lost yet another friend in that mess. Erwin. Levi doesn’t even know what to think about that anymore, instead he keeps wandering around trying to empty his mind and only finding it filled with more thoughts, more struggling memories. 

Fuck Erwin, anyway. 

If it hadn’t been for him he wouldn’t have lived the horrors he had been faced with all his life. But then again Levi has no idea what would have actually happened, what would have those people done to him if he had stayed? Tortured, experimented on him all his life? Killed him, eventually? He feels a strange, terrible kind of gratitude towards Erwin but only for that and nothing else. He would never have escaped otherwise, unaware of everything else, unaware he hadn’t been living the life a human being is supposed to live. Not that he likes it all that much, but suffering and knowing is better than being that naive, in a sick way. 

_ Sick _ , sick is the most accurate word he can think of while thinking about his past, how promising is that? How grateful should he really be?

He had been afraid and he had left his first home too, again, but that time there had been no man, no company, no one at all. Levi had been alone, so alone that some nights he would think he could have died just from that. Levi keeps telling himself that he doesn’t need anyone, that he can’t trust people, that alone is better than hurt and betrayed but the child he had been all those years ago wasn’t used to that kind of loneliness. He had always had someone even if it had been someone who couldn’t talk, someone who would hurt him, someone like a friend or a teacher. No matter what, Levi had always had someone in a very odd way but then? Then he had been more alone than ever and it had hurt. 

Levi had found himself from hating the city to looking for those moments when the streets were so crowded he could barely walk. He had always known it was dumb and that all those people wouldn’t care, why would they? And he had hated them, he still does. They had never given him comfort even when he had got used to them, to the smell, the sound, the dirt, the occasional pushes and the insults. No one had ever cared except for the only family he had ever had. Erwin couldn’t have cared, not after what he had done. And Kenny? Kenny had sold him away, he couldn’t trust him. He didn’t want to be near him, but the things he had taught him stayed with him, only Levi had forgotten about using them for a long time, making the loneliness kill him slowly and turning him into a weak body that could do nothing but trying to survive.

Luckily he had known more about the life outside the forest back then and, only for a miracle, had managed to find a dirty forgotten hole in the back of an abandoned house almost completely in ruins. No one had ever found that spot and it had been the only place he could go when things would get bad, or he would get too cold, too afraid, too alone. It had been very small but, somehow, he hadn’t felt claustrophobic in it. He still doesn’t, that few times he goes back. Levi doesn’t think that place had actually ever helped, if anything it had made it worse but it had become his ‘home’ eventually and at least he knows he can be safe there. Better safe than dead. 

But that hadn’t erased the fear, the nightmares that would haunt him at night when he would find himself screaming and crying and shaking. Levi had hated- hates those dreams, because he still has them only he can control them better now. Getting used to the city hadn’t been easy but after a couple of weeks he had managed. Too bad he couldn’t live of  air and the hunger had never been so bad, so painful, like his stomach would close and shrink and disappear while all could feel had been nausea and cramps that would make him bend over and vomit nothing at all, water and bile and all the hatred he had had for his life, present and past. 

Sometimes Levi still feels that, even if his stomach is full and he can eat all he wants. It’s something that never leaves him and if there is something to eat he never hesitates. Sometimes, during lunch or dinner in the dining hall at the Survey Corps someone leaves some of the food on the plate and Levi has to breathe deeply and control himself not to punch them for that. They don’t know, they can’t know how terrible is it to be hungry. How fucking lucky they are.

Levi had lost so much weight in the first few months in the city when he had been only nine, and then ten. He would go on stealing bread or eating whatever people would throw away even if that was particularly rare. But it hadn’t been enough and eventually he had even forgotten about being hungry, and that is the worst kind of hunger. When even with all the food in front of himself he wouldn’t try and bite it because he knew his body couldn’t have possibly handled it. 

Levi still remembers about that. 

But then one day he had managed to walk some more, more than he’d thought he would ever walk and without even noticing, strength coming from nowhere, he had ended up in one of the richest areas nearby. He had suddenly noticed the differences, the people, the clothes, the healthier faces, the cunning smiles, the fatter bodies, the good smell of clean skin, the food shining fresh in the market square, the neat streets, the strong horses towing beautifully worked carriages… everything was perfect, and to Levi’s disgust it still is. What once had been a dream before his eyes, even if just for one day, now makes him want to hit and kill and scream. 

Fucking rich people with their money and arrogance, he hates them so much. And that, he knows, is also part of why he can’t stand Erwin most of the times. The man is not one of them but he has -he wants?- to behave like them and it’s more than enough to make Levi hate him more, maybe more than the real ones too. Then again Levi knows Erwin does it for the funds and the Survey Corps… but what does he care? He’s not really one of them, Levi is only pretending to be a soldier, isn’t he? 

That day had changed his life. 

He would still live in his precious hole hidden from the world, but every day he would drag himself over there and with time he had learned how to be faster and how to completely make himself unknown. Hunger, for basically everyone else like him, had been the reason he had become a thief. And he was a damn good one. The more he would eat the more strength would come back and the more he could steal again and again. Life had been good, if that could have been called good, for a couple of months, until people had started to notice something was wrong and had become more careful. Levi still remembers the frustration he had felt at the time and, being only a child, he hadn’t thought about getting better but only of another way to get food, or money, whatever he had to do to survive, because dying still hadn’t been an option in his young head and instinct had been all he knew. 

Still, Levi had never been a stupid kid. At one point, after exchanging a couple of words with other kids like him -which would make him sick with hatred and pain because they would only remind him of his lost friends- he had started to notice where some men would often disappear along with these other children. He had followed them, watched without any kind of particular reaction, and saw the coins falling on the floor after they had been done with it. He had noticed the other kids being able to afford bread, fruits, sometimes a piece of cake even, after that.

And why not, Levi had thought? Why couldn’t he have done the same? In the end it had been nothing new to him, he had seen animals behaving in the same exact way, close, touching, holding, thrusting in places that would have made Erwin blush- why would he even think of that? But he had, and Erwin had been one of the few things that he could link with this new world he was living in. Point being, he couldn’t have hurt, right? Not if it would have meant having his tummy full and surviving one more day. 

Levi had been almost eleven the first time he had decided to hide in the same spots where the others would go and wait for someone to come. He hadn’t eaten in a while, shaking and nervous, but then a man had appeared and he had petrified him. He was tall, fat, broad shoulder, ugly teeth, terrible smell mixed with soap used in the wrong way, hair covering only part of his almost bald head, big chubby hands, evil eyes. Eyes that didn’t care, dark and spiteful. Eyes fixed over him, and when the man had talked Levi couldn’t believe his ears. He had called him pretty, perfect, just the right weight and the enough amount of weakness. Levi hadn’t known how things worked, would he have to do something or was it all in the other man’s hands? He didn’t know, but he had soon found that out.

He couldn’t have done anything, that man had made it very clear that he was to bend over and just shut up, take it as it would come, raw and painful, that’s what the man had said. But it hadn’t hurt, it wouldn’t, not when the hunger had been much stronger and he knew he had never felt that much of physical pain anyway. Levi wonders, these days, if that has something to do with what those ‘big men’ had done to him, he’s almost sure it has. And so it hadn’t hurt but Levi had screamed anyway, because without the pain he could only feel the intrusion, the force and the sick determination of the other slamming into him, the awful sounds he had made, his body clung to his, and that was worse. Worse than anything else, reminding him of other men touching him and using him as they wanted. He had never been a living being, only a mere object. 

The scream had made the man very unhappy, and after he was done he had beaten Levi up, spitting on him with disgust even though Levi had still had his pants down and the man had taken what he’d wanted. 

No money. No food. Not that day. How could the other children do that and still live with it? 

But Levi had learned too, after that afternoon, to live with it. 

With the second, the third man and so on he had obeyed and obeyed and done whatever they had wanted with him. Some of them had wanted him to scream, and those had been his favorites. At least he wouldn’t have to shut up and keep it all inside. Some others had made him dress like a girl -girls, they had been such a strange concept in Levi’s mind but he had learned that too. Others had wanted to play games, others hadn’t talked at all out of shame and regret and guilt or because they had been too drunk to care. But they would pay, and some of them would pay really well. 

After one whole year Levi had noticed how some of the other kids would hate him with all of their hearts, trying to get rid of him and making things hard for him and how others would just cling to him like dying ill rats. And Levi had known why, not that he’d really cared.

Levi had been good, he’d been good at what he did and those filthy men had begun to ignore the other kids just because they’d wanted him. Him only. Because they’d found him to be the more obedient, the more versatile for they fucked up minds and needs, the one who’d never talk after or before unless asked to, and especially they’d found him to be prettiest one. 

As Levi remembers a past he wishes he could forget he thinks about Erwin calling him beautiful again… he wonders whether that had anything to do with it but Levi knows it hadn’t, because Erwin had sounded so honest, so pure almost and his voice had been completely different from the way those rich men used to speak to him. Erwin had almost sounded like he cared.

Fuck him. Fuck his past. Fuck everyone.

But Levi can’t stop remembering for some reason as his feet finally begin to take him in a specific place rather than letting him walking around like a fool. 

So what? Some kids had been jealous, envious of him, but how couldn’t they see how much Levi had hated it? The money had been good, though, and it’d been so much easier than stealing. Levi had hated it anyway, or more like he had hated himself as soon as it was all over because he had been angry at Kenny for selling him as a baby but then he had done exactly the same thing, only he had been aware of it. That had hurt, it had made him sick and fall into a terrible place in the back of his mind. 

Eventually, Levi had gone numb, and he had stayed that way for years.

Numb. Empty. Just a body to be used and re-used. But the thoughts inside his mind had started to become more violent, too, with time. Numbness mixed with thirst for revenge, control and life, not void. He had never understood why or how, but one day he had accepted to follow one of the most frequent men over ‘another place’, as he had said it. Levi remembers a dark room, a table, an old sofa, a closet and the faces of a bunch of other unknown men that had looked all alike to him. What differences would have made? He wouldn’t even look at them anymore, it wouldn’t matter. They were all ugly pieces of shit anyway. 

That night he had to be theirs, but oddly enough they had seemed so civil -as much as Levi could even know about that at the time- with him. They had asked him questions, as a parent would with their daughter’s boyfriend. Where he was from, what did he do the rest of the day, where did he live, if he had parents, brothers, sisters. Levi hadn’t spoken much, only nodding or shaking his head. No and yes. That’s all he could have said. And then the man who had dragged him there had offered him a drink, and then another and another until his still growing body had started to feel dizzy and drunk soon enough. Even then, though, he hadn’t talked much, only groaned and stumbled.  

He remembers people laughing, at him, with him, who had cared? Levi hadn’t felt so good in such a long time because he could forget, not feel, feel whatever he wanted instead. People around him had started to touch his thin body and he hadn’t liked it, but he couldn’t have cared less. 

Or could he? 

Somehow his mind had started to react in such a slow way he had wanted to rip his brain out off his head. He hadn’t like the touches, he couldn’t control them, couldn’t feel what they were actually doing, it had been worse than usual. But the alcohol in his veins had other plans for him. And then they had fed him something that had looked like a mushroom, or a flower, Levi hadn’t known, and the world had changed. 

Levi still can’t think about that day and remember what had actually happened, all he knows is that the next day he had woken up on that bloody table in the middle of the room. He had been sore, beaten up with various purple and red bruises everywhere on his body, with the worst headache of his whole life, blood under him and on his clothes… clothes that he hadn’t been wearing, anyway. He had been naked and confused and- when his eyes had hit the floor he had never seen so much money all at once. 

Fuck. 

That had been such a nice way to wake up if it wasn’t that he had been basically drugged the night before, and then raped, Levi had not doubt about it. He had never bled from his ass, they had never caused so much damage on his body and he had wondered how many had had a round with him. Had he screamed? Had he cried? Had he enjoyed it? Because that could have been a possibility too since he had been completely out of himself, feeling all those feelings he thought he could have never been able to experience. Something like pleasure and happiness and relax. 

Levi shivers hard at the memory. Shit, he doesn’t want to remember. 

He had felt so bad that morning, but the money had made him shut up, and then he had eaten like a pig in the first tavern he could find. Eating and drinking, trying to feel again what he had felt the night before. And it had worked, but only after quite sometimes and when he had sobered up Levi’d known he couldn’t afford it. He would take him too many bottles of wine to get there, it wasn’t cheap, forgetting wasn’t. It still isn’t. Feeling a dark kind of peace wasn’t. And what was the other thing he had taken? He had felt… free, freedom in a cage of madness and pain. How could he have hoped for more?

But Levi hadn’t liked the way he had been treated without knowing, had it all been really worth it? Losing control like that and letting those scums doing whatever they wanted to with his body? Had it? But Levi had tried the pleasure of everything else and he couldn’t have said no, then. It had felt like the effect the flowers back in the cave, deep into the forest, had had on him and Erwin and the others only it hadn’t made him feel aggressive or protective and it had been ten times stronger than that. Levi had wanted more and was going to get more. He hadn’t cared about anything else, like a reckless boy lost in a dark, aching yearning for something he couldn’t understand.

And so Levi had contacted that man again and one night turned into two, three, four, ten and so on. Always that man, and then a bunch of different ones every time. Once a week, for another two years Levi had simply let himself go and be used because he hadn’t cared, not until they could give him what he had wanted. And they had, and he’d felt… happy. In the most horrible, miserable way. One day out of seven, a day when he would forget and his body would be destroyed. Happy in a way that hadn’t been right, that had been so wrong. And in the meantime he had grown up, turning into a real teenage boy, he had eaten and become stronger and stronger and eventually, something had changed. 

Something in his bones, veins, muscles. The alcohol had started doing less and less effect and the drugs… the drugs hadn’t been enough anymore not to notice what was happening around him, and even if he could definitely handle the pain he couldn’t have possibly handled the way those men would treat him, look at him, touch him. It had asked for more, trying to go back to what once had been but they hadn’t cared. Not at all. Levi was theirs, he couldn’t even dare to ask such things. 

Disgusting, sick, awful, cruel. Levi had never even noticed, but then he had known, realized. Fuck, the memory makes him stop in the middle of the street and he barely manages to keep himself together. Why now? Why does he have to think about this now? The humiliation, the shame bigger than anything else, more painful than the hatred he feels for Erwin, too. An invisible scar that only he can see and that can never go away. Shit. What had he done? But Levi has moved on… he has moved on. It still hurts, even though he has learned how not to feel anymore, again. Sometimes, it’s just impossible. 

Levi feels suddenly better, when he remembers the very last time he had ever let them touch him. The day they had all died. 

He had already changed his mind, convinced he could have gone on without the drinking, without the drugs because he was stronger than that, although he could feel the need so powerful inside of him for just one more time. But it wouldn’t have worked anyway and the only thing he could do had been waiting for his body to detox and be stronger once again. 

After a few days, sooner than he had expected, it had worked. His mind had been so clear, so focused, he hadn’t felt like that in ages, since he had been a little kid still living as an animal in the forest. He had felt new and old at the same time. He had never felt better, even though now he could feel everything and the memories had begun to haunt him at night again. Worse than ever. But at least those men couldn’t have touched him ever again,  _ fuck them and their money _ , Levi had thought, sick of them and their morbid perverted games. At least having his mind clearer the last few times had given him more money to go on for a couple of weeks without doing anything and mostly it had proved that Levi had never actually enjoyed any of it, and he had thanked everyone on earth and up in the sky for that. He still does. 

And Levi had met with them one last time. He had pretended to agree with whatever they wanted to do, he had felt the rage coming up, had let it come because he had wanted to be angry, hurt, mad. He had wanted all of it, every awful feeling. They had granted him that, and then all hell had broken loose. Someone had touched him more than he could have allowed, not then when he could understand what was happening, and Levi had snapped. 

He had gone there just to hurt them, maybe convince them to stop in a very painful way, but he had never wanted to kill. But that’s what he had done. Like a drug the rage had taken control of him, like it would happen back when he was a child, and Levi hadn’t even known whether it had been because of the men in the room or the other ones, the ones who had ruined his childhood and his life from the start. It hadn’t matter because Levi couldn’t think anymore. He could only feel, like once. Anger, rage, wrath. Agonizing indignation, madness, pure and raw violence. Crimson eyes. Red hands. Blood. 

When Levi had come back from what had felt like a torpid, manic nightmare he had seen what he had done, and even though the bodies at his feet had looked like they had been torn apart, opened from inside out, he hadn’t felt guilty. Levi had smiled, putting Kenny’s knife back in his pocket, and walked away. He hadn’t even bothered cleaning, whereas he had been dirty with blood and needed to clean himself as soon as possible, not because he couldn’t bear the thought of what he had done but because it had simply been filthy. 

Levi had truly felt violence for the first time, not like those flashes he would have before, and he hadn’t felt anything if not satisfaction. They had deserved it, and he had been better at this than whatever they had been doing with him all of that time. Which he couldn’t, can’t even remember luckily. Only in his dreams, sometimes.

Apparently someone had noticed what he had done, a man who would never even show his face to him but to whom Levi owes a lot. Levi had never seen his face, his hair, not even his body sometimes, always in the shadows. But that man had seen what he had done and wanted more. Levi had snapped the first time he had heard the words, more of what? Of him? He could keep dreaming. No, he hadn’t wanted him. He’d wanted the blood, more blood, he had wanted Levi to steal, steal and kill for him and he knew he could have done this. 

Somehow the man had kept saying that he was sure that Levi had had it in him, and even though Levi had no idea what he was talking about he had accepted. Because the money had been so much better than from those other bastards and because he’d needed it, needed to feel angry and violent. Needed to vent, one way or the other. 

One thing, one condition, though. Levi’d agreed only to kill proper assholes, never good people, and he would look into them before accepting. The mysterious man had never broken his promise once, he had agreed too, and Levi had been happy to do his job. Only this time he hadn’t depended on someone else, if he wouldn’t feel like doing something he wouldn’t. If he would say no, then no it was. And no one would ever complain.

Levi had gained some kind of ally by working with that man, protection, and reputation, too. Soon enough other people had started asking him favors and so on and Levi had never refused, becoming completely unaffected and numb to the killing too. He hadn’t cared, he doesn’t care. He, eventually, had lost touch with that man but the whole business had kept going well and he had never stopped, because he’s good, because they think they are using him but it’s Levi who uses them. 

He takes advantage of their power, their wealth, as they think he gives a flying fuck about who he has to kill, how he has to do it and every other little dirty detail. No one ever catches him, and no one ever will. Levi had even faked his death just to confuse everyone at one point, and every time he had taken great care to make sure the people who would hire him would never talk about him to no one, ever. He’s a shadow among fake, disgusting lights, and he likes is that way.

He’s Wraith. 

Finally his legs stop, along with his memories, in front of a ruined old door. He doesn’t knock, no need to, only enters just to be assaulted with cries and laughter and shouts of drunken old men who don’t even care about him, who don’t even see him. He walks towards the counter, surrounded by the smell of alcohol and pee and other things he doesn’t want to think about, he hates being in those places unless he can avoid it. He doesn’t even know why he’s there, maybe he wanted to drink enough to at least feel dizzy, maybe he just doesn’t want to be alone, but just when he thinks about going back someone catches his attention and he sees a man looking at him with very angry eyes and a twisted mouth. 

Lobov. 

_ Shit.  _

He knows he can’t just walk away and so, after breathing deeply, he goes to him and ends up facing him close enough so that no one else can hear them in the chaos. 

“Long time no see.” Levi says with a flat, unbothered voice. It’s been a couple of months since Lobov has given him the order, he hasn’t talked to him since.

“Who are you?” The other man asks, but it’s obvious that he knows, he’s not confused or drunk.

“The hell are you talking about?” Levi snaps, drawing his thin eyebrows together and grimacing at the other man’s awful breath.  

“I said, who are you? Are you Wraith? The famous criminal who can get anything done in less than a few weeks no matter how hard the job is? The one I promised so much money he could retire and never get out of his house ever again? Are you the same man I ord- asked to steal important documents and kill Erwin Smith?” It’s an angry whisper that hits Levi sharp and clear. Fuck. Lobov is already making him mad but Levi can’t help but think he’s actually right, he should have been done with it already, it’s been so long. 

“Do you have a problem with how I do things?” Levi snaps back, trying to defend himself as well as he can. He owes this asshole nothing but he has promised him too much to ruin it like that. 

“No. Not if you do it as I know you usually do, but this? This is taking too long. I don’t have that much patience, you should know.” 

“Should I now?” 

No reply, Levi’s tongue clicked.

“Listen, old man,” Levi runs a smooth hand in his now short hair, it’s still so weird- “this isn’t as easy as every other thing, alright? Or do you want everyone to just know that it was me? I am exposing myself out there, everyone knows my face and everyone could recognize me if they happened to be in a shit hole just like this one. I got to be careful, I can’t just enter, steal, kill and go. It’s more complicated than that.” Levi almost makes sense to himself too, what a perfect excuse. Wait, that shouldn’t be an excuse, that should be the truth. An excuse for what? It’s not like- 

“I think you are holding back, and trying to delay what you are being paid to do. I think you don’t want to kill that annoying man, for whatever reason.” 

Levi’s eyes widen and then narrow in the matter of a single, cutting second. “And how would you know?” 

“I might be old, but I’m not blind and neither am I stupid. I saw and still remember your reaction when I have first spoken Erwin Smith’s name. You seemed… oddly upset about it. But, with all due respect that I’m not even sure you deserve at this point, I don’t care if you have a problem with it or not. I want that man dead, and I paid you for it. They had told me you were heartless, that you could kill anyone at any moment but maybe I- They were wrong.” 

There is a deadly pause, electricity running high between them, Levi’s fists clenched and ready to hit. But he doesn’t.

Dead.  _ I want that man dead.  _ Fuck, Levi wants him dead too. He does, doesn’t he? He hates him, he has killed his friends, he has betrayed him, he treats him like a dog and he’s a pompous ass who only wants him there because he’s a great weapon not because he cares-  _ What the fuck do you care if  _ he  _ cares?!  _ Levi thinks and screams inside his own head. Is he actually holding back? No. He and Erwin aren’t friends. They can’t be friends, ever again. Levi won’t forgive him, no matter how gentle and civil and  _ human  _ the other is with him, how human he makes Levi feel. 

“Were they?” 

Levi wants to stab him, wants to run, wants to scream, wants to drink and forget. Instead, he straightens up and lifts his chin, appearing bigger and known for once. He makes the other flinch just by looking at him, insult and murder in his silver eyes. 

“Mr. Lobov, have you ever killed a man?” The other narrows his scared eyes and shakes his head, slowly, swallowing hard because Levi’s voice has threat in it. 

“It’s terrifying.” 

“What?” The man frowns, remaining very still in front of Levi. 

“It’s terrifying, yes, the scariest thing you could possibly experience. And you want to know why?” 

Silence. 

“Well, do you?”

  
“Why?” Another infinite second passes, Levi can feel fear coming from the other man. Good. He’s glad he can still make people afraid, everyone except Erwin apparently, but he doesn’t want to think about him right now. 

“Because when you pierce a knife through someone else’s body, skin- when you feel their muscles tighten around the sharp blade, listening to them groaning in pain, giving up, when you see the blood pouring from the wound… it’s then that your own body lightens up and adrenaline eats you alive. And it’s so, oh so scary, because you know- you  _ understand _ that you have the control, the power to take another’s life away from them and the worst, best thing is that you enjoy it. You enjoy it so much you would do it again and again and again.” 

Levi stops, waits, letting his lethal words floating dangerously between them for a moment, letting them settle down in the other’s head. 

“So trust me when I tell you that no, I’m not delaying anything. If anything I’m waiting for the perfect moment to do it. To take yet another man’s life, to feel him die, to feel that  _ I  _ did it. And trust me when I say that if you try to imply anything ever again about me or how I do my job, and why, I will be honored to feel exactly the same way sticking a knife into your pathetic old body.”

“W-”

“Are we clear?” Levi says, his tone serious and unquestionable. 

“Yes.” Lobov nods, not daring to look away from Levi. 

Levi huffs, after that, letting the tension go for a moment and thinking of a way to trick the man into giving him more time. Why does he need more time? Why can’t he- No. Not now. 

“Since I’m feeling generous, though, I could make you a kind and honest offer. No money involved, just because you are being so patient with me and I care about my reputation.” Does he? Since when? 

“What kind of offer?” 

“Do you have any more enemies? I bet you do, Er-” Fuck, he still can’t say it. Not even there. “Smith can’t be your only problem, yes?”

“There are a couple of people I wish were out of the way… what kind of deal is this?”

Levi shrugs nonchalantly, feeling that he has the man in his own hands now. “Nothing complicated. You have someone else to kill, I do it.” He looks at him straight in the eyes. 

“Again, for your patience.” 

“For free?”

“Yeah.” 

“Deal. But I still want those documents and Erwin Smith dead.”  _ God, this man is a brave one, isn’t he?  _ Levi thinks as he rolls his eyes and tries not to think about that, not now. No.

Instead he nods and lets Lobov tell him whatever he has to tell him about this other guy who needs to die just because he sometimes borrow his money and never returns it, _ tch, rich people.  _ Levi agrees, knowing he’s going to have a date with death- well, not his death, very soon. Lobov seems more relaxed, somehow, relieved by Levi’s offer and change of subject. 

They leave without saying anything else to each other and when Levi starts wandering around the streets yet another time he finds himself thinking again, thinking too much. It’s not good. He thinks but he’s feeling and he’s not used to it anymore, he doesn’t want to, he wants his head to shut the fuck up and let him do what he always does but everything is blue and gold and shit- he can’t stop thinking about Erwin now. Damn Lobov and his doubts. 

Kill him. No, why? 

Just because someone has told him to? Because he could have anything, everything he has ever wanted? A normal life? But Levi knows, deep down, that he could never be normal. His hands are stained with blood and sins, old and new, and how could he be anything but the monster he has become? That he always was? Levi isn’t an idiot, he knows something within him is wrong, he keeps thinking about it and it’s a damn bother. Because he never cares but suddenly he does and everything he can think about is Erwin’s eyes looking at him with… pity? Anger? Care? What? Levi doesn’t know. He wants to scream and run but he can’t. He’s going back home, that hole in the middle of a ruined house that had comforted him so many times. 

He has spent years trying not to think about Erwin, and other years being angry at him for everything. And Lobov is right, he’s holding back. 

Shit. 

He could have already found the documents, or at least he could have already killed Erwin. Why not? Yes, he had needed the time to fit in and not be too suspicious, but he would be anyway and he’s so good at disappearing so what’s the problem? But Erwin had placed his jacket over him… like that goddamn warm blanket back in the days. Levi hates him so much for it, because he doesn’t need that, or him, or anyone to take care of him. He doesn’t need friends. Friends either leave or die or just break people’s hearts even though the trust might seem to be unbreakable. But it isn’t. And Levi wants to cry and being held- no, no he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t even like touching people.

Yes, he’s a man with his needs and he knows when and where and how to have those needs fulfilled if he wants to. He has learned how to take control, how to be sure no one will ever abuse him ever again. He has learned and he’s well past that, but he’s never held anyone, never hugged, never held a hand except- 

Erwin. 

When Erwin had cut his hair and shaved him, that had been the most touch Levi had ever felt in ages that wasn’t meant for anything else but just- 

No. 

Levi starts shaking, reaching for his usual beloved spot, dark and hidden from the rest of the world. Doubts and thought and memories start spinning inside his head and he starts spinning too, not knowing what to do or to think or- 

Why can’t he just kill him?

Erwin is the monster who has killed his friends.

Levi is the monster who had let it happen. 

Erwin will soon become commander, a man known to send his men to die for a greater cause and what does Levi do? What does Levi have? Nothing, except he has already killed and he’s already guilty but- 

But he had always ever killed bad people, people who didn’t deserve life.

Maybe they did, Erwin wouldn’t just kill like that, without a reason or at least a trial, not if it’s not part of his damn plans about freeing humanity and he would listen and- 

Shit. 

Since when has Levi started comparing himself to Erwin? Memories from the thoughts and feelings from before the meeting with Lobov come back all at once and what would Erwin have done in his place? What would he have done to those men?

Fuck! Is Levi feeling guilty now? No. No, he doesn’t. He’s relieved to know he doesn’t because they had been terrible men and they had deserved it. He was only a child, and then only a boy. He had been right. 

But what would have Erwin said?

What does Erwin know about him, anyway? He knows he’s Wraith, so? Lots of people do but no one ever knows the details. Erwin knows, can imagine, he has killed and stolen but he doesn’t know his past and- 

But if Erwin had never killed Farlan and Isabel, Levi would never have had to live that. Maybe he would have escaped in another way, maybe- 

No. Whether Levi likes it or not Erwin is the only one who first taught him what being human meant. He had taught him just so much and now- and then- 

Levi reaches for his knife, playing with it between shaky fingers and looking at it through blurry wet eyes. What- Is he crying? Levi manages to scream, just once, into the void. He feels so much and all at once and he’s not used to it, it’s like his heart and mind are finally opening up to him after years of nothing and all the emotions hit him so hard he can’t stand he can’t-

There is no tree, no river, no nature, no nothing to hold him together now. No favorite place, no friends, nothing. He’s alone in the darkness as repressed feeling are piercing through him and eating him up. He can’t take it. It’s been so long since- 

Levi feels like a monster, like a lost monster that has never felt love or happiness, who doesn’t even know what those are except for- Levi feels everything but really, he feels nothing, it’s a never ending battle and he doesn’t understand how could he possibly win against it. His head starts twitching, to the left- to the left- to the left. He’s sweating, his body shivers in cutting cold.

Levi screams again, but this time no sound comes out. 

He’s fucked, messed up in the head and he doesn’t even realize it half of the times. He kills and he doesn’t feel anything? 

He kills and _ he likes it?  _

What kind of man is he? He’s not a man, he’s an animal, he’s always been just an animal. What would Erwin think- Erwin who had looked so fucking scared when Levi would have those moments in the forest when flashbacks of unclear, horrible days would overwhelm him like a flood. Erwin isn’t scared anymore but what would he think? Why does Levi care so much? He’s an animal, but he needs so much to feel alive right now. To feel human. To see it, to hurt, to feel anything at all, beside this. 

Beside the anger he had felt toward the blond kid, toward Kenny, toward those sick bastards, toward himself. He’s sick of feeling angry, sick of feeling alone and like nothing can ever touch him because someone has fucked him up so badly he can barely feel pain anymore-

He needs the pain. 

_ It if hurts, it means that you are still alive and can still fight, kid.  _

Kenny’s words echoing in his head like a mantra, like life, like- 

Levi doesn’t think twice -not even sure what he’s doing right now could be called thinking- when he rolls his sleeves up in a jerk and brings the knife to his arm. His hands is shaking, his fingers can barely manage to hold the blade straight but he doesn’t need it to be neat, he just needs to feel it. Just for once. It can’t be that hard, to feel human again. Like he had in the forest, while Erwin would talk to him, read to him, play with him, bath with him, sleep next to him during hot summer days and sharing warmth under a stupid blanket during freezing times, like he had when Erwin would comfort him when he would lose control, when he would take his hand, watch the stars with him, hold him as the best friend he was- 

Erwin, Erwin, Erwin. It’s always about him. Him who makes him feel human, him who makes him feel like a monster, him who Levi wants to kill and him who Levi wants to protect and- 

_ What? _

Levi cuts, slits long shaking incisions all over his left arm and then the other and he can’t stop but he doesn’t feel it. It doesn’t hurt. All he feels is the salty taste of his tears in his eyes and the warmth, the so comforting warmth of the blood streaming on his skin, slowly and so red, so pure, so-  _ human _ . Even though he has seen plenty of animals bleeding in his life Levi knows that this time, as he looks down, it’s a human being that he can see bleeding and his heart is so relieved he almost smiles. But, still… it doesn’t hurt. Not enough, for him to feel more than fear and a total different kind of pain. This is the first time in years that Levi has had such a breakdown but it feels so right and so wrong and-

He cuts deeper, shaking more, closing his eyes and feeling the blood on his body, dripping to the ground as the sound echoes in his ears. 

He doesn’t go where he knows it could be fatal, but still, this time it hurts. Yes.  _ Yes _ , he feels it. His head hits the wall behind him, his lips part and a low sigh leaves his mouth wet from tears. It doesn’t hurt that much, but it’s less than nothing and more than just tickling. If he presses enough he can feel it burn, and it’s like a blessing. Like those bright smiles Erwin would give him a long time ago, smiles that had hurt but that had felt so good at the time. Erwin is always there. Life and death, pain and happiness, that’s what Erwin is for him. 

Can he really kill him?

Levi doesn’t want to think about it, instead he opens his eyes that now feel heavy but so at peace, and watches the blood, the wounds he has given himself. He counts the scars, just some more to add to those which were already there. More than he would like but he doesn’t care, he’s feeling pain. He’s alive. He’s human. He can still fight. 

Eventually, Levi lets it go, he lets himself be. 

After a while the tears stop, his head doesn’t spin anymore and he can finally stand up. He covers his wounds for a while, but as always, and as strangely as he’s always thought, they heal faster than anyone else and they only look like bright red cuts but nothing too serious. Levi, really, has no idea what they have done to him but he knows it has worked, at least a bit. He never knew what the purpose was but the doesn’t care. Fuck them, too.

And Erwin hasn’t left his head, not yet.  

***

Levi tears’ ending doesn’t mean he’s done feeling. It doesn’t mean that the anger can’t come back, stronger than before but in a calmer way. That’s why once he gets back to the camp the idea of sleep is unacceptable and he needs to move, do something, vent in the only way he knows while lucid. He goes to the training room and tries to tire himself as much as he can, thinking about his past and Erwin and suddenly being furious at him because he shouldn’t be able to creep into Levi’s head the way he does. 

Levi notices right away when Erwin arrives, but he doesn’t talk, waits a bit before finally losing his patience. He teases him, snaps back and it almost makes him laugh when Erwin tells him that he never knows what’s going inside his head, as if the other could possibly want that. But isn’t that one of other reasons Levi’s just had a serious break down? Erwin better shuts up, and he does. 

He wants to fight, and Levi is not sure that’s a good idea. He doesn’t want to- what? Hurt him? Humiliate him? That’s bullshit but Levi seems to hesitate, even though it doesn’t take Erwin long to light a fighting flame inside of him. If Erwin wants a fight, he can have it. He can have that along with the guilt and the shame and Levi’s repressed fury. He’s not even sure that’s what it is about, but who cares? Not him. Erwin tells him not to hold back and Levi doesn’t. 

Not with hits and blows, not with words. He doesn’t give a fuck whether Erwin will hurt or not, not his responsibility. He can go to hell. 

Can he? Wouldn’t Levi follow him, even there?

But Levi is surprisingly calm during the fight, even though he has no problem hitting him back. Erwin takes him by surprise once the sparring gets serious, after he says something too much and the blue in Erwin’s eyes turns into something darker, something he’s not sure he’s ever seen. Erwin is strong, good at fighting, his body moves with brute grace even though Levi has never expected that from him, but then again he wouldn’t be where he is now if he wasn’t good. Erwin manages to keep up with him, and Levi gets hit sometimes, which makes him angry but also… curious, surprised, interested. Who is this man? 

Levi hits back but he doesn’t and he lets Erwin go full force against him without a second doubt in his expression, it’s like he’s not even really there and Levi can relate to that feeling. He sees it in Erwin’s wild eyes that he’s losing all control, just like it happens to him sometimes. But Erwin is still controlled, his fighting style still neat and professionally lethal. 

They punch, they kick, they dodge and they get hit. Levi doesn’t feel that much pain but he groans and adrenaline makes him feel as if he was normal, as if that was an actual fight between two human beings and he wasn’t any different than Erwin. They crash against walls and at some point Levi decides that letting him have all the fun is not worth it and even though memories give him the strength to be mad at him he feels something else too, something he can’t understand that makes him want to stop and continue at the same time. 

Erwin is not losing, but he’s not winning either, and Levi is almost blind with the passion they are both putting in the fight. He’s used to get rid of people in less than a few minutes, without emotions, without pity or hesitation. It’s different now. It’s anger and awe all together, something that only makes him want to hit harder. Who does Erwin think he is to make him feel that way? To make him feel, period. 

Erwin catches his wrists in the air, after a hard blow on his jaw, and Levi has to take a second to understand why he has stopped. Erwin’s eyes drop over his arms held high and-

Fuck. 

The scars. They have healed but not enough to be subtle, to look old. 

Why would Erwin care? Levi wants to scream, now rage is bigger than anything else. Rage and pain and loss and a broken heart that is still shattering apart after all these years, especially if Erwin’s strong, warm hands are touching him, holding him tight and those eyes are looking at him in worried shock. That’s not what Levi wants, never asked for it,  _ shit. _

He doesn’t let anything out, instead he punches him hard in his face and then something clicks inside of him. Like a big  _ fuck you  _ to the person he’d once cared the most about, like he doesn’t even want to try and control himself by now, like he has to- has to make him feel the same exact kind of pain he’s felt. Levi had thought he was done for the days with this feeling bullshit but apparently he can’t seem to reach that kind of peace. Peace. When had he even really felt peace? While drunk, drugged and unaware of the things done to him, so much for peace. 

But he feels it, feels that Erwin is wild but finally there again. Like seeing the scars has brought him back, only enough to stop for a moment. Levi is a few steps away from him and the view of the other man makes him smile a cruel smile. One Erwind deserves, he does. 

Erwin’s shirt is ruined, Levi can see the man’s chest rising and falling fast under it. He can see the signs of the fight over his tall, broad, annoyingly perfect body, a sheen of sweat shining on his skin in the dark of the night, the moon drowning him in a pale light that makes him look completely torn apart but in such a beautiful way. It’s something Levi remembers very well, the times he would play with Erwin leaving all kind of bruises on the other’s body just because he kept saying that he was fine with it and he would give Levi the freedom to play the only way he knew.

When Levi says those words out loud he sees shame in Erwin’s eyes and, God, doesn’t that feel good? For once he doesn’t have to be the only one to feel like that. But then, as his smile stays put, another thought crosses his mind and his heart cringes with guilt.  _ No! _ No, Levi shouldn’t- he can’t feel guilty. Why would he? Not after everything Erwin has done to him. But what has he done? He killed his family, that should be enough. But it’s not. Shit.

Levi attacks him because he needs a distraction and he needs it fast. It ends up with both of them on the ground, struggling and still punching hard, Levi’s head slammed on the floor which only makes him feel a thrill of pain that feels like pure pleasure because that’s such a rare feeling. He almost thanks Erwin for it-

Suddenly everything gets serious, and Erwin’s hands are around his throat but- but he doesn’t tighten them. Levi feels them there, strong and firm but not fatal, he’s not squeezing, his eyes look lost in that deep blue of theirs and Levi doesn’t know what to do for a single, long moment. Maybe he should tell him to do it, to kill him there and now because if he doesn’t it’s going to end badly and Erwin is going to be the dead one soon and maybe if he kills him there he can’t stop feeling like an empty monster all the time. Why isn’t Erwin tightening his grip? 

If he doesn’t do it, then Levi will. He places a sharp knife against his stomach, a knife he had grabbed before from the chaos of the weapons clashing on the ground, and Erwin… Erwin lets go, taking his hands away, leaving his neck cold and empty for a second. 

_ No. No, don’t go away. Don’t leave now, kill me please. Put those fucking hands back, please.  _

Levi never wishes for death, he’s animal, animals don’t wish for death. They want to survive, they want to live and just go on but- But if it’s him, Levi can do it. Levi can let go. 

If Erwin could just do that, could take his pain and anger away, maybe he would forgive him. He had given Levi life once, then he had broken his heart, so why can’t he just finish his job? Levi doesn’t think he has ever begged for death, he barely thinks about it, but he does now even though his expression remains mostly the same and he sure as hell can’t understand what’s going on behind Erwin’s eyes. 

It’s just another moment, and then Erwin moves his hands to either side of Levi’s head and he sighs. If he doesn’t kill him, Levi will. One of them has to go, it’s unbearable like this, he can’t do it. Levi will-

Levi swallows hard, his heart is beating so loud he’s certain it’s going to explode any moment now. He can’t do it, can’t stand to have Erwin so near after all that time and in such a different, but still familiar and intimate way. Erwin moves closer, their breaths blend together, smell of sweat and blood surround them and Levi finally looks at him. 

It’s like seeing him for the first time all over again. He can see the same scared, lost but brave, and most of all vulnerable child he had first seen in the forest all those years ago, when it still had felt like an amazingly wrong dream. The same kind of blue, big and wide open eyes. The same kind of blue that still haunts Levi in his deepest dream, the same kind that he can’t stand to see in the clear light of the day. The same kind of blue that makes him want to bring the man closer and hold him and- 

Those eyes, those cursed eyes would make him do everything all over again. A thousand times, he doesn’t care anymore. 

He misses them so, so much, but he can’t say it. He can’t even think it. Levi would have died for him once, and now? What are they now? Enemies, comrades? They are supposed to be both but Levi doesn’t want to believe it, not now that they are alone and so dangerously close. 

Those blue eyes had looked at him once and had made him alive, they had made him feel so loved every time Erwin would stare at him with his dumb, soft smile. They look dark now, Erwin’s pupils enlarged in the dim light.

Fuck. 

Levi’s naked chest brush with the other’s one and a powerful shiver runs through his spine, he has no idea what that means, but he doesn’t mind it. It all feels so warm, so… gentle. Erwin could bleed him dry and he wouldn’t care, he would only be grateful for the warmth of his own blood and the kindness of the other’s hands.  _ No _ . No, he can’t think that. He’s a damn idiot. But Levi doesn’t want him to move, he wants him there, and Erwin gets closer than before, his arms giving up- 

Erwin doesn’t look angry anymore, but Levi is. He’s so damn angry because he’s letting him do this. He’s letting him look at him and think and feel. It needs to stop, it doesn’t matter what Levi wants. It’s Levi or Erwin. One of them- 

“I should just kill you.” _You should stop me, and kill me instead. I don’t-_ Levi doesn’t want to kill him. But he wants and he needs to. He’s fucked and it’s too much. Would Erwin even do it? Could he be able to run a knife through his heart and end his miserable, useless life? Would he? Levi doesn’t think he would, not unless it’s for something bigger than just the two of them. He has no idea.

“Do it.” Erwin says, whispering. 

Levi’s hand is shaking so much he’s not even sure he would be able to aim at the right spot. 

But Levi- 

Levi is lost and broken and his brain is about to shut down, his heart about to stop, his mouth dry and his silver eyes numb in front of the beautiful sight that only reminds him of happiness and grief. He should do it, end it now. He should kill Erwin and flee, he doesn’t even care about Lobov right now, it’s the last of his thoughts. Kill Erwin, get revenge and go as far away as he can. He would see those eyes lose their bright light, he would see him exhale one last breath and then the warmth of his body would leave him forever. Levi would be free. Eye for an eye. 

Why does Erwin look so ready to on with this, though? Erwin is asking him to do it, he’s harmless, he’s giving up. He’s asking him the same exact thing Levi had begged him for in his own mind just a few moments ago, or maybe he’s playing games with him. He’s good at those. No, his eyes look so honest, the man almost looks relieved. No. 

_ Fuck you.  _

If Erwin can’t, won’t do it then Levi won’t too. He will have to wait. He will have to wait and suffer in the meantime and he doesn’t care if it’s going to hurt being alive. _ Welcome to my world.  _ Levi thinks, but what does he actually know about Erwin’s life? 

He doesn’t want to know.

He pushes him off him and gets up. He needs to leave, needs to be alone just for once. He needs to sleep and to stop thinking. Erwin tells him something he barely hears and then he’s out of the room, without even looking back. There is no looking back, not after this. 

***

The next day is hard to focus on anything. He eats, he trains, he cleans around his own bed in the barracks but nothing keeps his mind clear enough. He doesn’t even want to work out, he doesn’t want to do anything but just hope that everything will go away. It’s not the first time he feels that way, but this time is worse than ever. Of course, he can’t even think about facing Erwin right now. That would be too much. He knows that Mike and the others keep telling him that he should be there, because of the rules. Yes, the rules. Who really cares? He’s not even sure Erwin actually wants his “company”. Is he really that eager to talk?… Pretend nothing has ever happened? He’s not. Not yet. 

He goes to the roof, instead, where the air is cleaner and he can lose himself into the horizon ahead of him. Somewhere he can try and think less, somewhere that reminds him his old favorite place, that makes him feel at home in the most unusual way. Home. Does he even have one? The forest was his home once, but now… 

“Ah! There he is!” 

Levi nearly startles at the loud, lively voice coming from behind him, too lost in thought. When he turns around he sees Aryaa, of course, who else could it be? He wonders when and how has she even thought that maybe Levi could be on the roof but he doesn’t push her away, not even when she sits down beside him and flashes him with a bright smile that almost scares him. She always seems so damn happy, Levi wonders how she does that. 

“I have been looking for you all day, baby.” Her smile turns into a cocky smirk and Levi rolls his eyes, sighing deeply. 

“Stop.” 

“Stop what?” She radiates happiness, it’s almost disturbing. 

“Calling me that.” 

“You’re no fun, you know that. Besides, would you rather be called old man?” Levi shakes his head. 

“No. I would rather you wouldn’t call me at all. Much better if you don’t talk to me, too.” 

She frowns, her pale green eyes turning a shade darker, and Levi turns his head away because he doesn’t want to see her disappointed expression. He’s not sure why, not that he should care. 

“But I thought we were past that!”

“What do you want?” He sighs, again, thinking that she does have a point. They had already spent some time together and Levi hadn’t said anything in the end, getting used to her, only God knows why. 

“Nothing, really. I was bored and really not in the mood to follow anyone’s orders today.” 

“Not sure you’re going to be less bored with me, kid.” 

“Oh. So you can call me kid but I can’t call you baby?” 

Levi turns around and raises his eyebrows in exasperated disbelief. He blinks, once, slowly. 

“That’s because you’re eighteen and I’m nearly ten years older than you,  _ kid _ .” He repeats the last word with more emphasis, to make her understand. Her eyes lighten up, then. 

“Ehy! You remembered how old I am! That’s impressive, I thought you weren’t even listening. You must really like me.” She says, bumping his shoulder with her own and Levi freezes for a moment, not used to the friendly touch at all. 

“Almost ten years older, eh? How old are you?” She continues, asking and looking genuinely curious. No one ever talks to him like that, not even Erwin. Levi is so confused. 

“As if I would tell you.” He snaps back, not wanting to actually acknowledge the fact that she might- she might be a nice person for real. He doesn’t trust people, he doesn’t do  _ nice. _

“Oh, come on! What could possibly happen if you tell me how old are you? I will certainly use that against you one day, yeah. Hey, people! Look at him, he’s so dangerous, please stay way he’s already so old! He could kill you with wisdom and wrinkles.” She mocks him, modifying her voice a tone lower as she says the last sentence and ending up chuckling a bit after. 

Levi frowns, really, not used to this kind of friendly talk. And he doesn’t have wrinkles… does he? He hasn’t looked at himself in such a long time he has no idea what he looks like and he doesn’t want to know. He’s not even that old, except people still call themselves lucky even when they hit their thirties. Especially if they are part of the Survey Corps.

He doesn’t reply and stays silent for a while, as Aryaa’s laughter fades away and silence falls on them. He’s not even looking at her when she bumps against his shoulder another time and bends her head down, trying to look up at him. 

“What’s up with you?” She asks, but her voice is low and kind, a tiny bit worried too. 

“Huh? What are you talking about?” 

“You would have told me to shut the hell up after what I just said. I haven’t talked to you a lot but you never once let me have the last word.. Something’s off and you know it too, baby.” 

He lets the nickname pass for once, he looks at her and draws in a long breath. His shoulders tense and relax. Whatever. 

“I don’t feel like talking.” 

“Well, that’s not so unusual.” She huffs a chuckle but then he feels her staring right at him and he doesn’t like it, even though he doesn’t tell her to look away, to stop, to leave. Maybe he’s just too tired and worn out to argue with her. 

“Nah, something else is wrong. Besides you’re covered in bruises, you’ve had a fight or something?” 

Levi has almost forgotten about the bruises all over his face from last night, he thought they were going to go away but apparently it had been more serious than he’d thought. He simply shrugs at that. 

“None of your business.” 

“Yeah, of course, blah blah. Well, do you want to know how I got mine?” She says with a comforting smile and a new fire in her eyes that tells him that she wants to share, she wants to open up to him. He looks at her, her burnt cheek and the scars on the side of her smooth face. He frowns, wondering why the hell would she want to talk about something like that. 

“Whatever.” Levi stares at her a bit longer, noticing that scars or not scars she still looks very pretty, even he can see that. She manages to give him a bit of hope, he’s covered in scars too so maybe… but why does he care? Does he really want to look normal, good-looking, anything like that? Would it make any difference? At least she seems not to care at all, but maybe he’s wrong.

“It’s not really original, you know, nothing heroic about it.” Her smiles grows a bit as she raises her hand up to stroke her scarred cheek. “It was during my first expedition. I was alone with a bunch of other new kids and a titan had appeared out of nothing and oh! Let me tell you we were all so scared I would have shit my pants, I’m sure one of the guys there actually did.” 

She stops for a second, chuckling at the memory and Levi almost smiles too. Almost. 

“Well, anyway, this titan came out of nothing and someone had to do something and so I just- Well I really don’t remember I just tried to bring it down, and I guess I did but it was a bit of a struggle, not so easy as it comes to you, and in the end I ended up landing on its goddamn hand on the ground and my face touched it and you know how much those assholes just burn like pure fire and that’s how it happened. Because I was dumb and couldn’t land properly.”

She looks disappointed for a moment, frowning, but then she shrugs and her bright smile comes back as she looks at Levi joyfully. “They’re cool though! Aren’t they? They’re my pride and joy and no one knows what really happened except you, you know, you’re the first one I ever tell this.”

“What about the other guys there?” Levi doesn’t even think of stopping himself before asking the question completely out of curiosity now.

“Ah… they died that day. After that more titans came and I was just lucky to get out in time…” 

She looks sad and upset for the first time since Levi has talked to her and he wishes he wouldn’t have asked. “I told everyone the same version of the story just a bit cooler, not entirely a lie but I just- I don’t know why I don’t tell the truth, it’s not like anyone would get mad at me, I still did my job, you know?” 

“It’s easier that way.” Levi says very seriously and her eyes widen open at that. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” She smiles softly and Levi feels suddenly safe around her. Like she understands, even though their stories are so different no one would ever link the one with the other. But Levi knows what’s it like to hide scars, to lie, to lose someone. 

“Your turn.” She chirps, and the mood changes just like that, she turns into the happy girl right away. 

“What?”

“Your turn! You have to tell me how you got yours!”

“My what? My scars?” 

“Huh? You have scars?” 

Right, she hasn’t seen his bare arms yet and with the tie and all his body is always covered enough not to show any of the scars on it. “So what?”

“Are yours cool like mine?” She grins and tilts her head, waiting for his reply and shifting a bit closer to him, like a friend would, nothing much.

He looks at her and copies her, as he tilts his head just like she had a few moments ago and studies her young face and her scars that look like reflected red water on her skin. His eyes soften and he shakes his head. 

“No. Definitely not.” He doesn’t know why, maybe it’s because she’s so young, because she has eyes that remind him of Isabel, because she talks to him as if he was just another friendly guy or because she seems to respect him more than anyone ever has, but he’s beginning to feel oddly protective of her. 

The midday sun illuminates them both and even though spring is still far the light feels warm and nice, and for a moment they both don’t talk and enjoy the rare moment. 

“I told you how I got mine, so now you have to either tell me about your scars or those awful bruises, your choice.” She says with her eyes closed and her dark-skinned face turned to the sun. 

“I  _ have to _ ? I never agreed to that.”

“But it’s how it works! I tell you something about me and you do the same.” She cracks an eye open and looks at him. He barely notices because as she says those words he remembers that day when Erwin had made him play the same kind of game, when he had been so curious and then… Levi doesn’t want to remember, it hurts to think about those days, especially after the night before and with his head messed up as it is right now. 

Levi gives up fairly easily, feeling that he can talk to her, although he doesn’t like the idea of talking about himself. He opts for the bruises on his face and his broken lip instead of the scars, those ones are for another day, another time. Possibly never. 

“I got into a fight, that’s why my face looks like this.” He keeps it simple and clean, but of course she wants more.

“And? I want details, baby, not fair like this.” He rolls his tired eyes and sighs. 

“Details like what? What is there more to say?” 

“Are you kidding? Who did you have a fight with? Why? Where? When? Did you lose or win, and I could go on, you know! So come on, I’m all ears.” She opens both her eyes now and turns to him, grinning confidently and hoping for him to open up. He widens his eyes and frowns, why does she even want to know? This kid is weird, but for some reasons unknown to Levi he does talk. 

“It was last night, in the training room. I’d had a… a bad day.” 

“And?” She encourages him to go on. “Who did you fight?” 

He can’t say his name. He’s willing to talk but that doesn’t mean he wants to think about it, or that she needs to know more than what she’s asked for. When he still doesn’t open his mouth, she does. 

“What? Are you letting me guess?” She chuckles and raises her eyebrows up with a challenging and amused expression. 

“If you really must.” 

“Mmh, in the training room you say? Well anyone could have walked in honestly… This is very obvious but it wasn’t Darlett, was it?” She already sounds so… hopeful. Levi huffs a muffled, empty chuckle, because the thought is entertaining enough as it is. 

“You wouldn’t have seen him around today, if that was the case.” He says and she laughs, she genuinely laughs and surprise hits Levi hard, but he doesn’t show it. 

“Okay, well then… one of your squad? I mean how bad of a day was it? ‘If you talk to me I’ll just tell you to fuck off’ kind of day or more like ‘if you even dare to look at me i’ll kill you with my own hands’ kind of day?” 

“What do you think?” Levi raises one eyebrow, sure she knows the answer. 

“Okay, I’m guessing the second one. Mmh, well then, was it? One of your squad?” 

“No. And this is so stupid I don’t like this guessing game.”

“Because you’re afraid I’ll get it right!” She laughs amused by Levi’s reluctance to participate. “Okay so then mmh… well help me a bit here! Was it someone older or younger than me?”

“Can’t we stop?”

“Out of the question, baby.” She grins. “Answer me, come on.” 

“Older. Much older, but seriously I’ve had enough.” Levi is not someone who plays games, and he likes the girl but not enough to have that much patience anyway. 

“Much older- Oh god! No, that can’t be!”

Levi grimaces and his face turns into a question mark. 

“Was it Shadis?!” 

“What? No, god no. I still don’t beat up old hopeless men.” 

“Hopeless? I mean he’s still out commander.” She’s obviously joking because everyone knows his days as a commander will soon be over. 

“Must be Zacharius or someone like that then.” She thinks for a bit and Levi doesn’t say anything, while he waits, because she will get it right and he knows it. “I mean, I don’t want to say Erwin but…” She checks his face for a moment and when Levi blinks and stays completely silent her whole face lightens up and she cracks such a proud smile. Levi has the sudden and terrible urge to either run away or punch her.

“You can’t be serious!” 

“You know, I really don’t care what you think.” Levi says with an annoyed voice, and he’s about to stand up when she catches his arm and keeps him seated down. 

“Oh come on don’t be so touchy, I just can’t believe that you actually fought with him! I mean that must have been a hell of a fight, he’s one of the strongest men here… I still haven’t seen him today, people say he’s locked in his office, but damn now I can’t wait to see how  _ he _ looks! You’re probably the only one with enough balls to fight him since… since ever! Because you did know he was quite the rebel once, didn’t you?”

“He mentioned it.”

“He told you about it? Dude, I wanna know! You must tell me, pleeease.” She sounds ridiculous but Levi smiles, slowly, and frowns because it’s impossible to deal with her and her enthusiasm, but it’s also impossible not to get dragged into it in a nice way. 

“I don’t really know much, just that he used to get caught and… avoid the consequences.” 

“Mh. So how was it?”

“How was what?”

“The fight? Duh.” 

“What do you care?” 

“Because when I saw you before you looked kinda… I don’t know, weird. And if it’s about the fight, and I imagine it is because I mean? A fight with Erwin? That must mean something to you-”

“Why the hell would it mean something to me?” Levi gets defensive right away and buys himself a pitying and very understanding smile from Aryaa, who now doesn’t look convinced at all, damn it. 

“Sure thing, baby, it doesn’t mean anything at all.” She says and he narrows his eyes in a very menacing way… which just doesn’t work on her. “But you know, if you want to talk about it… I mean you can, I won’t tell anyone. Really, I can keep secrets.”

“I’ve got nothing to say. I already told you. I was tired, stressed, it was a bad day and he happened to be there so we fought.” 

“Just because of that?”

“Yes.” 

“You know… I don’t really know him, but he sure doesn’t look like someone who would just allow something like that to happen. I’ve never even seen him raise his voice with anyone, really. I don’t buy it.”

“It’s not that I really care.” Levi doesn’t, honestly. 

“You two have some past together, don’t you?”

“Shut up.” 

“I’m gonna take that as a yes, baby.” She actually winks at him but her face turns softer than before, thoughtful. She’s so young but she looks like she knows more than many old men do, like she can read people through. 

“Seriously though, I thought you were a complete stranger, just a random criminal with lots of talent.” 

“I am. But if you say anything of what you think about me and Erwin to anyone-”

“I won’t.” She promises silently, sounding very serious. 

“Good.” 

“Any chance you will tell me the whole story?” 

“I told you it was just a bad day and we happened to fight… Maybe I snapped, maybe he did, it’s not like fights make that much sense anyway.” 

“I was talking about your past.” 

“No fucking way.” 

She laughs and nods, patting him on his back. “That’s what I thought.” 

***

It’s only a couple of hours later that Levi finally decides to go out in the field and train a bit. Aryaa had left him alone for a bit, after the talk on the roof, but she had found him again and forced him to run with her for a while, just because she needed company and he was the only one around at that hour of the afternoon willing to work out with her. 

And so they run and surprisingly enough Aryaa is silent. Levi stares at her from time to time, wondering whether he’s made a bad choice by deciding to tell her the thing he did before but then again, she seems so easy-going and trust-worthy and although Levi doesn’t trust anyone, well he almost trusts her. He wonders if she’s thinking about what he said, about him and Erwin. It’s none of her business though. 

He’s surely thinking about it though, what had she meant by saying that fighting with Erwin had meant something to him? It doesn’t matter, because she’s right, only he doesn’t want to agree with her, doesn’t want to face his feelings so soon. He’s so not used to have feelings, and she, along with Erwin, doesn’t help. 

He has been thinking about a lot of things, but there is one thing she says next that makes him stop. Right there, in the middle of the field, still panting and recovering his breath from the quick run. His skin turns pale and- 

“You know you should apologize.” She says, and when she sees he has stopped she does the same, looking down at him worried and confused, surprised mostly. 

“What?” He hisses, looking at her as he’s not sure whether he feels anger or shock or- 

“What the hell did you just say?”

“Nothing I just meant-” 

“You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about do you?” He takes a step closer but he keeps his voice down, he doesn't want to cause a scene -because he knows where that would take him- and because he’s not really sure he wants to get angry at her. Not enough to raise his voice and pick up a fight. 

“Hey, calm down a second.” She doesn’t look scared or intimidated, she looks like someone who doesn’t care and just wants to say the right thing, as if she could make Levi better. It makes Levi crazy. Why isn’t she scared? Everyone is. 

“Listen, Levi,” She uses his first name for the first, maybe second time, and he stays still, listening. “Everyone always thinks I’m dumb and loud and… whatever, really, but I’m not stupid and I’m definitely not blind.”

“Get to the point.” He snaps quickly, narrowing his eyes and clenching his fists at his sides. 

“My point is that it’s obvious that you and Erwin- well, whatever it is that you have going on, whether you are friends or  _ were  _ friends, it looks pretty important. It looks, and please don’t punch me for this because I’m just an outside observer here, like you care. And you should always apologize to people you care about, even if they are wrong. Sometimes… you just have to apologize and then talk about it, and decide whether apologizing was worth it or not.”

They both hesitate, and then she shrugs. “I’m just saying, you know.” 

Levi relaxes after a tense silent minute, and just when he’s about to say something he sees Aryaa looking away and staring at something else behind him. When he turns his eyes easily lock with the only ones that could have the power to draw that much attention and he looks at Erwin, staring back at him. Is Aryaa right? Should he talk about this? Does he care?

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Levi shouldn’t even be thinking about this, he’s there to kill him not to solve their own problems. He doesn’t even know that man anymore, he just- 

Erwin turns around and Levi watches him go after Hange says something to him. Then he sees the other woman trot happily towards him and telling him that Erwin wants him in his office but that he’s busy right now so he should wait a while anyway. When she goes Levi turns to face Aryaa, who’s still there beside him, and shakes his head as she grins at him. 

Whatever. 

***

An awkward apology and an empty stare does it for him, Levi believes. He shouldn’t be doing anything else, Erwin doesn’t deserve any kind of apology, damn he’s the one who should apologize to him for everything. Erwin did, kind of, so many times and even though some times it was more subtle than other, Levi has seen it in his eyes that he’s truly sorry. He doesn’t care, and he’s too tired anyway. Thinking and feeling is exhausting, he realizes. What a major pain in the ass. 

Erwin had looked so shocked, so tired too. Levi just shrugs and heads for the roof, he’s done for today, it’s been such a weird day… out of his world. Like it hasn’t even happened but at the same time too many things have been said and done. 

When Erwin reaches him, because Levi knew he would have, he’s extremely calm. He’s not sure that’s how he should react but sometimes being tired wins over the body and the mind, and the other man doesn’t look like he’s going to hurt him. Why would he? He’s even had the decency to say sorry… even though it was just about the knife, but he wasn’t going to say more. There is a limit.

They talk and for once there is no hatred in their words, or at least in Levi’s words. Sometimes he snaps, sometimes he bites back but he’s too tired to fight and having Erwin beside him as he looks up at the stars is oddly comforting. The memory of other moments like these burning him inside. Levi is fairly fucked, but he doesn’t care, not now. 

He stares at him more times than he’d like to admit and he feels his heart cringing as he sees how bad the other looks because of him and how much strength he has put into hitting him, doesn’t matter whether Erwin actually likes it or not. With Erwin near him, so close he could hold his hand like old times’ sake, Levi feels so alone. More than ever, even more than when he is actually alone. It hurts, but he gives up easily. He’ll let it hurt, won’t try to fight like every time before. Just one night. One moment.

And then Levi tells him, that he can’t even begin to talk about loneliness. Erwin doesn’t know how it is to be a lost child in the middle of a crowd, dying from hunger, selling his body away, trying to survive when he knows that no one cares whether he lives or dies. Erwin can’t know. Levi has always been so alone. 

Then Levi starts remembering. He looks at the universe above him, shining like Erwin’s own eyes would shine once, and he can’t help but think about them as children sitting on a big tree’s branch talking about everything and nothing, playing, imagining stories. He can’t help but remember the legend he had loved so much… He can’t help but let the memories drown him with nostalgia and an old-known happiness that he will probably never feel, ever again. Levi has never forgotten, any of it, he’s just very good at hiding and pretending nothing has ever happened. If he pretends Erwin has never made him happy, only sad and hurt, then it’s easier. 

Easy. But nothing in his life has ever been easy except for the calm and happy days he had spent with the other man, once his best friend, the only one he’s ever had outside his family. Levi almost says his name, but he stops and not because he wants to but because the word gets stuck in his throat and it’s stronger than him. He can’t do anything about it. 

Erwin talks about stars too, and they both start remembering how it was once. Levi remembers Erwin had made him wish upon a falling stars, he remembers wishing for them to be friends forever. Well, he didn’t get the friends part but maybe he will get the forever, since Erwin’s life is not going to last very much longer, or at least that’s how it’s supposed to be. Levi doesn’t want death, he only wants to stare at the infinite beauty of the stars and the moon and lose himself in the sight. Stars are bigger than life and death. 

He remembers laughing, he says it. He looks at Erwin and when the other man smiles… his heart stops. It’s been so long since Levi has seen that smile, that smile reserved for him only, that had once made him feel alive and cared for. It’s like a stabbing pain crosses his chest, as soon as he smiles back at him out of instinct, because it’s the right, painful thing to do. It doesn’t last. Erwin doesn’t deserve his smile, Levi doesn’t either. He has no right to smile like that, like he means it. With fondness and warmth drawn over his lips. 

How he wishes he could just let go, for once. Go back to his childhood, to that unreal year and just… be. 

He can’t.

But, damn it, Erwin looks so peaceful when he smiles like that, his face lightening up helped with the pale light of the moon shining over them. His eyes look at rest, they look alive but at the same time Levi sees all the sadness they are drowning in. Those damn blue eyes. Really, Levi doesn’t know anything about him. His blond hair is a shade lighter, falling down over his tall forehead after a long day, his thick eyebrows drawn in together in an affectionate way as he looks down at him. Erwin’s sweet smirk looks so reassuring, like he’s trying to tell Levi everything will work out. His lips are full and pink, they look lovely even with a stain of purple on one side, his barely tanned skin bruised over his left cheekbone doesn’t look old at all. It looks perfect no matter how tired the other man is, no matter how dark the circles under his eyes are. Levi remembers Erwin being a normal kid, with a normal face, a nose too big, eyebrows too full. 

But now, now Erwin looks striking and Levi can’t look away. He’s not even sure he has ever looked at anyone else in his entire life in the same way he’s looking at Erwin right now, feeling the things he’s feeling. Like Erwin could do anything he wanted with him, and he wouldn’t care, not as long that smile stays and those eyes keep looking at him. He feels his chest raising as he draws in a deep, burning breath without making the other notice. 

He wishes he could smile back just as long as his heart is telling him to, but his mind makes him come back. No. This is all wrong. All wrong. They aren’t friends anymore. Friends… is that what Levi would even want to be now? _ What?  _ Levi curses himself for thinking such a thing, he’s an idiot. An idiot who has been alone for too long, and it’s better if it stays that way for everyone. How could he even think about that after all he’s gone through? It’s crazy, he’s crazy. He should be hating Erwin, wanting to kill him, not… that.

When he smile drops and he starts to feel more nervous Erwin asks him why had he fought with Darlett all those weeks ago. Hell, Levi has probably thought about him more than he did. Why indeed? He ends up saying the truth, a very subtle truth, and he wishes he didn’t. Of course he’d had to defend Erwin, it’s in his blood. If there is someone who has to hurt him, insult him, kill him, that’s him. And Darlett is an idiot anyway. Just as much as Erwin who gloats like a dumb teenager after that, trying to hide it but Levi only rolls his eyes. 

They don’t stay up much after that, and the next day, after a night of deep thinking and nightmares, Levi decides he needs to change behavior. And fast. He can’t be his friend, and that talk from the night before can’t happen again, it won’t. He treats Erwin just as he had before, feeling that the other man is confused but he doesn’t care. Instead, he sits on the bloody sofa and waits. 

He waits, until something unexpected happens, but really… with his kind of luck? Levi is not even that surprised. 

“They know he’s Wraith.” Mike says, after bursting into Erwin’s office like someone had been chasing him. Erwin’s face loses its usual pinkish color and Levi- Levi has just one single thought.   
  


_ Well, shit.   _

 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: Levi swears a lot (lol), blood and violence, (gang) rape (implied and not TOO explicit but still there), drugs (on minors), underage drinking, (child) prostitution, child abuse, very depressing thoughts (???), self-harm... I think that's all? Sorry if I left out something else just let me know! (I have very shitty memory I don't even remember the things I write that's why I might not know lmao) (also all these things are there but it's not written in super detail I swear)
> 
> also, I'm sorry for the possible mistakes as always! and thank you for reading you're all awesome <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay hey there! Here's another chapter for you :3 I won't put any warnings but you can guess it's kinda always the same you just have to read the old ones, this is still from Levi's pov so there's nothing new C: 
> 
> but things are happening~

“How did this happen?” Erwin sighs exasperatedly, looking up at Mike, who is still standing in the middle of the room with an unusually worried face, and then frowning down at Levi with a suspicious expression. 

“What? You think it was me?” Levi asks him without breaking eye-contact and crossing his arms over his tiny, but strong chest. 

“Wasn’t it?” 

For a moment they stare at each other and Levi completely forgets about Mike’s presence in the room. The only thing he can see is Erwin and his blue eyes shining down at him, narrowing slowly, as he cocks his head to the side. The tension is palpable in the air, neither of them giving up and both of them convinced they’re right. Erwin can be stubborn if he wants to, and what reason does he have to trust Levi right now, even after the night before? 

“What do you think I could even gain from it? I’m not an idiot, I know what’s gonna happen next.” Levi snaps, finally looking away from the man because sometimes it’s still too much, too deep and too painful, and he’s still too tired to care and pretend he can win at this stupid game. He had lost it the minute he had first set his eyes on Erwin in the forest a few months before, although he’s only realizing that now.  

“They will never accept him, Erwin.” Mike speaks up after a long silence filled with doubt and approaching anger. 

Erwin’s eyes flick from Levi to Mike and his face tenses, and then relaxes as he paces towards the door. 

“You’re right.” He hesitates, and then he glares at Levi again, talking softly to him as if he was a lost child. “Are you sure it wasn’t you? You didn’t tell anyone? Not even your friend?” 

“No. I didn’t.” Levi’s voice shakes with irritation as his fists clench at his sides, he would never tell Aryaa, and why would Erwin decide to be a good guy and ask him that that nicely as if he couldn’t take it? _ Fuck you. _ “The only one who knows besides you two and Shadis is Hange, no one else.” 

“It wasn’t her.” Erwin says seriously. 

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because she, just like you, is not an idiot. Besides, we did tell her that it was supposed to be a secret and she never once betrayed my trust.” 

“Must feel very nice.” Levi replies without thinking in a biting whisper, a whisper that Erwin hears. 

“Yes, actually, it does.” Erwin snaps back, rubbing his hand over his face in an exhausted gesture and groaning as his fingers touch his previous bruises. Levi’s eyes open wide at the comment, not believing his own ears, as if it was  _ his _ fault that he can’t trust anyone.

“Good for you, don’t think I’ll ever know the feeling. Too bad, isn’t it?” Levi doesn’t even try to hide what he’s feeling by now as he takes a step towards Erwin, even though there is still much distance between them, and Mike right in the middle. 

“Are you done?” Erwin asks, letting Levi’s comment pass as if it was nothing, as if he hasn’t even heard it. 

“Whatever.” Levi shrugs, not really wanting to argue anyway. “So what now?” 

“We need to find who did this.” Mike says, but Erwin places one hand over his friend’s shoulder and shakes his head. 

“No. That’s pointless right now.” 

“Are you serious?” Mike frowns and shrugs Erwin’s hand away. “Shouldn’t we do something about it?” 

“Yes, of course, but how are we even going to find this person? It could have been anyone, especially since Levi has come and gone out of camp a lot lately.” 

“So?” Levi asks, interrupting them, the chaos of the crowd below still resounding faintly in the room. 

“I don’t know what you do when you leave, where you go, but whatever and wherever that is it might have drawn attention, who knows. I’m sure there are some people out there who know who you are without you being aware of it. Anyone might have seen or heard something, and in that case I would love to say it wasn’t your fault but it was, and I had warned you not to be reckless.” 

“And if that’s not the case?” Levi wants to hit Erwin hard and shamelessly, who’s given him the right to talk to him like that? 

“Then I really wouldn’t know how this could have happened, but it might be more serious than we think. Let’s hope it’s the first one.”

“Yeah, of course, why don’t we?” Levi spits out, taking another angry step forward. “Let’s hope that so you can just blame it all on me and keep being blinded by the fucking absurd idea you have that everyone in the Corps is perfect and has never done something wrong except for fighting for humanity. Or dying trying. Great! Why don’t we just do that?” 

“When did I ever say that?” Erwin looks honestly confused at that, but Levi can see the spark of broken pride behind his surprised eyes. “If you know of anyone who might have known, then just say it.” 

Levi stays silent, opens his mouth just to close it again because he has nothing to say. The only one he can think of is Hange. That, or someone must have listened to their conversations, there is no other way. He doesn’t know. 

“As I thought.” Erwin says. 

“What are you going to do?” Mike asks, breaking the tension between the former friends. 

“The only thing I know I’m really good at, I’m going to talk to them.” Erwin explains and just before both he and Mike walk out of the door, he turns to Levi. “You shouldn’t leave my office, not until I come back anyway.” 

“What? Why? That’s bullshit I can take care of myself.” 

“Because, even though I know you never follow my orders, I also don’t believe everyone here is perfect and it’s better if you stay away from a lot of people until I manage to fix this.” It almost sounds like- like Erwin cares about what might happen to him. Levi doesn’t like it. 

“Can you?”

“I’ll try.” Erwin sighs again. “So, please, just stay here.” 

“Fine.” 

Levi doesn’t listen. 

 

***

 

In the way to Hange’s supposed-to-be-secret lab Levi is forced to go through the whole crowd of confused and angry soldiers heading to the dining hall to listen to Erwin’s little talk, and it isn’t a nice trip. 

He manages to push through most of them, the ones who still don’t know know what’s going on, but then he also has to make his way through the ones who know already and they drive him crazy. They stare at him as if he was some kind of wild, rare animal that everyone should be afraid of but that really should just be taken down; it feels like being stared by those hunters in the woods all those years ago even though they had never managed to catch him or see him that well. It’s the same kind of feeling, the one that makes Levi feel like a monster. 

But they don’t even know him, they’ve just heard stories.  _ They don’t know about the forest, the experiments, it’s fine,  _ Levi tells himself, hating that this thing is making him so nervous. He knows whose fault this is, it’s Erwin’s. He’s not like that, he should manage to keep everyone out, but he can’t. He keeps his head down, for once, and even when people start insulting him with shouts and spits he doesn’t try to pick up a fight, he doesn’t even want to. They don’t understand, they’re just brainless brats who think they know everything about life and how it’s supposed to work but they don’t. They will never know. 

Levi has something else to do, anyway. 

“You!” Levi enters the dim, dusty room slamming the wooden door down with a strong kick and not giving a fuck about disturbing whatever Hange’s been doing. 

He’s not surprised to find her sitting at her desk with her messy head bent over some weird, huge, old book and not on her way to listen to Erwin’s speech. Knowing her she already knows what’s going on and she knows she doesn’t need to go, maybe someone has told her, maybe Moblit, that brat who’s always following her everywhere. Levi doesn’t know, doesn’t care. 

He stands there, almost fuming with rage, but she doesn’t look up. She just... waves at him. And keeps reading. As if he hadn’t just broken a door and yelled at her,  _ this is not going to end well.  _ Levi is not going to be patient, not today. 

It doesn’t take long to step forward and reach for her, closing the book under her eyes with a loud bump and making the lit candle near them falter. Then, she does look up. 

“Hey! I was reading that!” She exclaims surprised at first, but when her eyes focus better on Levi and she seems to understand who she’s talking to, she grins widely. 

“Hello Levi!” 

That happy, enthusiastic voice manages to annoy him even more. He’s about to burst, clenching his jaw and feeling his eyes opening wide in irritability. He doesn’t waste any time at all as he grabs her shirt and brings her closer to his face, forcing her to look at him straight in the eyes and making sure she can’t get out of the conversation. Still, she doesn’t look touched by this. She looks curious, waiting, with her thin eyebrows raised up above her glasses and still the ghost of a smile on her chapped lips.

“I’m happy to see you too.” She manages to half-joke, but this time her voice is lower at least. Thank god, because otherwise Levi would have snapped for real. 

“I’m not.” He hisses, tightening the grip on her thick shirt. “I want to know who, and why, and how the fuck did you even think that was a good idea?” 

“Huh?” She asks, frowning and looking at him as if he had just spoken in another language. 

_ Damn it, she looks far too confused, maybe I was wrong.  _ But no, Levi can’t be wrong, if it isn’t her then he has no other ideas and he hates not knowing who might have fucked him up for good, it’s a matter of principle. It has to be her. 

“Cut the bullshit, four eyes. We both know what I’m talking about.” Levi keeps his voice low but it comes out harsh and cutting, no chance anyone wouldn’t be at least a tiny bit scared now. And for once, she is. She looks like she has finally understood Levi means it and there is real threat in the air. She gulps loudly and adjusts her glasses over her thin nose even though Levi’s arm is in the way. 

“I didn’t tell anyone.” 

“Wrong answer. But thanks, at least you’re not trying to be completely clueless here, that makes it much easier.” Levi says, narrowing his eyes and trying to intimated her some more. Actually, Levi has nothing against her, he doesn’t want to be angry at her, she’s one of the few that treats him like a normal person… then why has she opened her goddamn mouth and- 

“I didn’t. Tell. Anyone.” 

Suddenly her eyes are dark, her lips form a thin serious line and her expression changes. She grasps Levi’s wrist and squeezes, before pushing him away and getting up from her chair. Levi lets her, partly surprised by her strength and partly because he doesn’t want to hurt her, has never meant to. They still stand close, but none of them makes a move. 

“Why would I do that?” She asks, as her face relaxes when she sees Levi’s hands relax and his shoulders loosen. Although not completely.

“That’s my question. And you’re still not answering me.”

“Because I don’t have anything to say! I really didn’t-”

“Stop it!” Levi nearly shouts, squeezing his eyes shut and drawing in a deep breath to keep himself from losing patience. 

“Erwin might trust you all he likes but I don’t even know you. And I don’t trust you, I know better than trusting people who like to experiment with stuff and stink so much.” 

“Isn’t that so?” She smiles again, but this time it’s a cunning smile like she knows exactly what Levi means. Levi doesn’t like it.

“Shut up.” 

“Listen, Levi- Wraith, whatever it is, I promise it wasn’t me.” She tries to comfort him, sounding as genuine and soft as she could be, tilting her head to the side and looking at him with huge eyes. 

“As if that would stop me from not believing you.” 

At that, she sighs. “Maybe you should follow Erwin’s example.” 

“What?” 

“Trust me. I meant that you should trust me like he does, I’ve never given him a reason not to and I’m not lying to you now either. I never talked about it with anyone except for you, Erwin and, well, sometimes Mike was there too but Mike already knew. And I didn’t tell Moblit!” She hesitates, then adds. “Maybe someone just overheard one of us, but really, I have no idea.”

“Why do you all think I’m that much of a fucking idiot to just talk about it when I know someone is near?” Levi complains, keeping his body steady but his face grimaces with obvious irritation. 

She just chuckles. 

“I never said it was you.” 

“Fine. Whatever. I’m still convinced you were the one to talk.” He says, looking at her and trying to see if there is any kind of guilt or surprise or, really, just anything on her face except for her usual easiness. But there isn’t. Fuck. Has he really been that reckless?

“I wasn’t! I talk a lot but I know when to shut up.” She crosses her arms, half-offended by Levi’s words. 

“Why aren’t you where everybody else is?” Levi asks, not knowing what to do or say anymore, even though he already knows her reasons. But this is getting awkward and the panic and anger from before are turning into hopelessness. Who damn even cares if he manages to find out who it was to talk, to tell his secret? It’s out anyway, he can’t do anything about it.

“Why aren’t you?” She replies back with the same question. 

“I’m not even supposed to be here, for all you and I know.”

“Ah, I see.” Her eyes fly up and she seems to ponder hard about something that looks potentially dangerous to Levi.

“You see… see what? What are you talking about?” 

“Nothing.” She chuckles again, and Levi would have found it almost pleasant if it wasn’t that his nerves were about to break completely.  

“What.” He insists, because whatever it is, it can’t be good. 

“Erwin told you to wait for him didn’t he?” 

“Yes… so? He told me to stay in his office until he wasn’t done with it.” 

“It just makes sense, that’s all.” 

“Well of course it does, even though I don’t care what he tells me to do, but since everyone outside has basically looked at me as if they wanted to kill me-” Levi starts but then Hange’s face shines up and he knows something’s wrong. “That’s not what you meant, wasn’t it? What are you implying, what the fuck are you trying to say?” 

“Hey, hey, calm down now.” 

“Not until you tell me what you meant.”  

“Good lord, you’re even more stubborn than Erwin, did you know that?”

“I don’t care about him, now tell me.” 

“That’s an interesting choice of words.” Another one of her chuckles. “But hey, before you snap again I might as well tell you. I just think Erwin didn’t want you there because of the things he’s probably already saying right now.” 

“Huh? What the hell?” 

“Maybe you’re still on time to understand what I mean.” She says, looking down at Levi with a confident, hoping grin. “Go on, hurry!” 

Levi stares at her for a long unsure second, and then he leaves. 

It wasn’t her fault, anyway.

 

***

 

Half an hour later Levi finds himself sitting in Erwin’s office on the usual old, not so comfortable sofa with his legs restlessly shaking and his mind going in circles as he tries to make sense of what he’s just heard and what he’s supposed to do now. Now that people know who he is, part of his past, when they shouldn’t. He has even forgotten about opening the window, his head too busy with confused thoughts and panic. It doesn’t matter where he is, he’s trapped anyway. But that’s why he’s here, to do his job and be finally free. Or that’s why he was here at the beginning anyway. 

Shit. 

Kill him. Steal the documents. Just run away. Levi can’t stay still, his whole body shivering hard. 

Erwin.

Levi has just come back from the dining hall, where no one has seen him either coming in or getting out. He has basically flown away from it after hearing Erwin’s loud and untouchable words and not being able to handle them anymore at one point. They keep filling his head, like an unstoppable flood after a storm. He can’t stop them, can’t stop the echo of Erwin’s voice that makes him squeeze his eyes shut and his heart beat fast. Too fast. 

He doesn’t even know why they are having such an effect on him, why they are such a big deal, but he can’t stop it. Just as he could never have stopped the curiosity that had always dragged him back to him when they were only children in the forest, far from this world, far from the pain and the titans. Far from everything, counting only on each other. 

No. He can’t think about that, can’t afford to feel that glimmer of insane hope that keeps sparkling softly and dangerously inside of him, from time to time, when he looks into Erwin’s eyes and gets dragged back to their past. There is no past, there can’t be. 

But Erwin, speaking his words just a few minutes ago, is making Levi change his mind. He has tried so hard to forget and resent him all these years, but what if he’s wrong about that too? What if he can put his weapons down and finally make peace with him?  _ Fuck! No!  _ Levi almost punches himself in the face after that horrible, unthinkable thought. He killed his friends. He- 

The door opens, Erwin comes in. 

“Ah, here you are. I thought-” 

Levi looks up at the other and, suddenly, he notices his face changing color and expression. He frowns, unaware of what Erwin is seeing to make him react that way. 

“Levi! Are you okay?” He’s never heard him sounding so upset, not since they were little boys.

What-

“Levi, stop. Stop!” Erwin paces quickly towards him and kneels in front of him, immediately grabbing his arms and taking them away from- 

From his neck. _ Oh god, what am I doing?  _ When Levi looks down at his hands his eyes widen in terror and confusion, they’re bleeding. No. No, it’s not his hands that are bleeding but there’s blood under his short nails and on his fingertips, blood he doesn’t know where it’s coming from. But he knows, he knows when he sees Erwin’s worried eyes fly to his throat and when his hands squeeze around his wrists in something that Levi registers as slight panic, a feeling that Erwin is good at not showing completely right now. 

Levi has no idea what his face and his eyes look at the moment, but something tells him it’s bad, like it would be years ago, when he notices Erwin won’t- can’t look at him. Or maybe the scratches on his neck are just too important to make eye-contact. Either way, Levi wakes up and he stops shivering, he freezes. 

Freezes when, after several long seconds, Erwin is still there with him, on his knees, and he can feel his hands slowly sliding away from his wrists only to reach for his throat. Levi doesn’t even blink, staring at Erwin’s lowered eyes, when his fingers brush his skin, hot and gentle and so careful.

Levi doesn’t speak. The world spins around him, Erwin is too close, and his body could betray him any moment now because he feels exactly like the young animal he was once. Only instincts and no thoughts. He swallows hard when he manages to notice what Erwin is doing with his hands around his neck. He’s not threatening him, but neither he’s trying to touch him to comfort him. He’s taking his tie off, and when he finally has it and he stands up in front of him, Levi sees it’s not longer white. It’s red, stained, dirty. He hasn’t even felt it, hasn’t even noticed how actually upset he was; he didn’t even know he was doing that to himself. 

His gaze lingers on the cravat, on Erwin’s fingers holding it. It’s like he’s watching it but he’s not actually seeing it. He can’t do that, he feels numb, but at the same time Erwin’s near presence makes him breathe faster. He’s not supposed to make him feel like that, Levi doesn’t like it.

“We should clean that.” Erwin says, and his voice sounds so soft that Levi can’t even bring himself to acknowledging it. 

It doesn’t even sound real, why would it be? When has anyone been so gentle to him? Erwin had- 

But this Erwin isn’t the same person, and, although he’s usually kind to Levi, this is different. This sounds like a real caress without any kind of ulterior motives, just to make him feel better. Erwin’s first words aren’t words that demand an explanation, he doesn’t ask Levi why, he doesn’t tell him he’s an idiot for it, that he’s weird and fucked up. He speaks and all Levi can hear is a concerned, friendly voice that’s just offering him help. 

This is so fucking wrong. 

But there has always been something very wrong with Levi, too. 

Levi doesn’t even notice when Erwin leaves only to come back a few minutes later with a clean towel and bowl of water. Levi doesn’t know when, where and why he has taken that stuff, but it doesn’t matter. He hasn’t moved one inch. His hands are at his sides, though, dead and unfeeling, his legs have stopped trembling completely and some of the scratches he’s given himself are probably still bleeding but Levi doesn’t care, doesn’t feel it. 

Erwin’s loud and confident words from the meeting still repeating in his head and he wishes he could scream them away. Instead, he stays completely silent, barely looking at Erwin now as he sits on the sofa next to him after placing the bowl on the floor and wetting the towel with the water in it. 

Erwin gently places his hand over the side of Levi’s face, his fingers warm, his touch firm, pushing so that he can have full access to his neck, and Levi lets him without making a single sound. He has nothing to say. Erwin doesn’t speak either, not for a while, as he washes the blood off his skin and brushes his throat several times with the towel. Never pushing too much, never feeling too gentle either though. He cleans the cloth twice, before he seems to consider his job as done. That means Levi hasn’t caused too much damage to himself, that’s good, since he could have been able to do much worse. 

Levi slowly brings his head down, feeling his skin itching but not doing anything about it, keeping his arms still and lifeless. Then, without any warning, Erwin brings his hand up again, this time no towel in the way, and slowly places it on Levi’s cold cheek. Erwin finally looks at him, with those blue worried eyes and a kind careful smile, and Levi startles but he still doesn’t move, rational thought leaving him as soon as he feels the touch. 

His dry lips part, he doesn’t notice, but then Erwin’s hand is already so far away from his face and the warmth leaves him completely. He’s not sure, but if he wasn’t so lost in the frustrating confusion of the moment he would be already cursing himself for blushing. Levi frowns, slowly coming back to his senses. Erwin awkwardly stands up and puts the bowl and the towel away on the desk, trying to keep his eyes as far away from Levi as he can, his shoulders stiff and his body oddly clumsy. 

This never should have happened. 

Levi starts observing Erwin, then, and when he sees him turning to the window he notices the little gasp that comes out of his mouth. He watches him open it, secretly thankful for it because the lack of oxygen was turning him crazy and he hadn’t even realized, and follows him until he stops in front of his desk and carefully half-sits on it. Then, their eyes lock. They are both suddenly too aware of each other’s presence. 

Erwin clears his throat and he talks, with his usual business voice. “I talked to the other soldiers. They didn’t sound too happy with any of the things I had to say about the matter, but in the end I think I managed to convince them. They don’t think it’s wise to keep you here, they- I believe most of them are just scared. But I told them you wouldn’t cause any trouble, no more than usual anyway.” 

_ I am well aware of Levi’s reputation, or as you all know him now, of Wraith’s reputation. We have all heard stories, facts that might sound horrible, but that’s not who he is now. We took our precautions when we made him join the Survey Corps, and I can assure you he’s not here to hurt anyone. He’s not a criminal anymore, he’s a soldier and he’s one of us. As that, you will respect him and treat him like any other of your comrades.  _

The memory of Erwin’s words makes him grimace: one of them. Levi is not there for that, probably even Erwin knows it by now, but it doesn’t matter. He remembers somebody shouting that Erwin was wrong, that Levi is dangerous, that- 

_ I am not saying that you aren’t allowed to have your doubts about him, I know I had mine too, but it’s different now. Since he’s been here he hasn’t done anything too dangerous, anything that would claim him like the criminal he’s supposed to be. Everyone fights every now and then, and the ones who have come with us on our most recent mission have seen him in action. We need him. He’s strong, clever, he can help in our cause, don’t you see that?  _

Levi is the one who doesn’t want to see that. He doesn’t care. 

_ I know what I’m asking of you is hard to accept, but Levi is not the horrible man you all think he is. We have kept his true identity hidden only to avoid this, avoid spreading unnecessary panic, but there is no need to be afraid. I know I’m not supposed to say this, but to convince you all I’m willing to share the fact that I have been knowing him for longer than any of you can think. I am sure you will at least try to listen to me when I say the heartless criminal he’s made himself to be is not the person he really is. He’s special.  _

What the hell does Erwin know? What does he know about Levi’s life, his past and his sins? Levi has done so many terrible things, the soldiers are right to be scared of him and Erwin has no right to say such things to them. However, Levi knows he has probably said that to keep them quiet, to make them understand, but Erwin’s words touch him deeper than he thought anyway. If he’s not the criminal he’s supposed to be, then who is he? Does Erwin know? Because Levi doesn’t. Erwin’s made him sound like they were friends- but they had been. And Levi… Levi can’t help but convince himself that there had been two other unspoken words flying in the tense air after saying he was special.  _ To him,  _ Levi thinks. I’m special to him. 

Fuck. 

_ He has potential and incredible talent, he’s clever, he’s strong. He’s probably our only chance. He won’t be causing anyone any more trouble, if he does you can report it directly to me, but I’ll be requiring a serious reason. That said, please, believe me when I say that-  _

Even Erwin had hesitated at that. 

_ I trust him. And so should all of you.  _ That’s what had made Levi fall apart, making him leave in the middle of someone else’s loud complaining.

Trust. Was that a lie just to convince a bunch of brats or was that real? Can Erwin really trust him when he has shown him nothing but hatred since the moment they had found each other again? 

Erwin trusting him is good for his plan, it really is, but Levi is not sure he wants that- 

If Erwin trusts him and he kills him, that means he’ll be just like him. Breaking his trust. But doesn’t he deserve it? No. That’s not his problem. Levi doesn’t want Erwin to trust him because it just hurts too much, because it makes his heart cringe and cry. Because he doesn’t need to disappoint yet another person, not even if it’s his worst enemy. Because if and when Erwin will finally learn about his past the trust will break and Levi will feel like an ugly monster to his eyes too, and he can’t bear it. Can’t bear the thought of Erwin hating him for it, anything but that.  

He hates him, he resents him and wishes he were dead -does he?- but he doesn’t want him to see who he really is. Levi, despite everything he feels towards him, doesn’t deserve his trust and the realization had shaken him up so much he had ended up hurting himself. 

That’s just great.

And the moment he felt that gentle hand caressing his cheek and taking care of him- 

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Levi spits out, right after Erwin’s words, keeping his eyes fixed on him.

And he’s an idiot too, because he’s there worrying about Erwin when he should be worrying about the fact that now everyone knows who he is and he’s fucked. How the hell is he going to bring his original plan to an end now? Without keeping the attention away from him? Should he just leave and tell Lobov that it’s too dangerous now? Should he do that and flee? 

But they would find him, eventually. Maybe not now, not in ten months, maybe in years but they would. Because he would be the main and only suspect and Levi doesn’t like to think about a life of just running away. Away where? Inside a prison of walls, that’s frightening and frustrating at the same time. Levi was going to do this to be free, not to be even more in trap. 

What is he going to do?

Shit, shit, shit. Too many people know. He can’t make them all shut up, he can’t kill them all. Doesn’t even want to. 

“I don’t understand.” Erwin frowns and asks, still careful with him, which only annoys Levi more. 

“You made me sound like-” 

“Like what?” But Erwin’s eyes widen as he realizes that Levi has been in the dining hall while he was speaking. Then, he just sighs deeply. 

“I’d told you to stay here. Of course, why would you listen to me?” 

“No one noticed.” Levi shrugs. 

“They might have.”

“They didn’t.” Levi snaps again, and rubs his face with his hand before running it through black thin hair still damp from his sweat. Has he been sweating? 

“What did I make you sound like, then?” Erwin asks, his face serious in the mild light of the late morning, and the kindness gone. 

“Like I’m actually a good person.” Levi finally says and they both fall silence for a moment. Fresh wind fills the room and Levi breathes in deeply, waiting for Erwin’s answer, not sure he’s ready to hear it. 

“You could be.” Erwin whispers, but his voice still sounds sure and confident.  

“What? How do you know? You don’t know anything about me that’s- You don’t know me!” Levi snaps, then, getting up from the sofa and clenching his fists at his sides, piercing Erwin with his eyes and pressing his lips together like he’s stopping himself from saying anything else, doing anything more. 

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t know you anymore. But that is not the issue right now because I  _ have to  _ believe that you could be good so that everyone else will too. Don’t you understand? I barely managed to convince them. People didn’t like you before and now whoever has spread the word has given them the chance to have a real reason for it, and they don’t want you here.” 

“If I’ll catch who the fuck talked-” 

“No, Levi. None of that, not anymore. They think you’re going to kill them in their sleep, that you will betray them during an expedition or that you will be a danger for all of them, for humanity. They want to see you gone, if not worse. I’d like to say they are open-minded people, but they aren’t, and I can’t blame them. The stories about you... someone has spoken about those during the meeting, things not even I knew and that I-”

“That you wish weren’t true.” Levi finishes for him, as rage ferments inside of him. Shame, fear of disappointing him- Why does he care? He’s a monster and now even Erwin has finally heard about it. And those stories might not be true but Levi is sure he’s probably done much worse.

“They don’t trust you.” Erwin sighs, looking down at Levi after rubbing his eyes. 

“But you do?” 

Erwin doesn’t reply, only stares more, his face unreadable. 

“You trust me? Are you fucking serious? I thought you were supposed to be the clever one, tch. How can you fucking do that when all I have done to you has proved nothing but trust? After what  _ you  _ have done to me, how do you think trust is going to work between us? And even if you do that doesn’t mean they will learn too! They fucking know who I am now, they know it and I’m fucked-” 

“Calm down.” 

“-do you think I don’t have enemies, people who wish to see me bleeding and dying in a fucking dirty alley because of what I’ve done to their loved ones? Do you really think now it’s going to be so easy? Easier just because the secret is out? Well, you can go to hell! You know what? It took me so goddamn long to be who I am now, to hide and make sure that no one knew and now this! I don’t need your fucking trust since my life might be completely fucked because of this anyway!”

Silence. 

Levi is shaking hard, he’s closer to Erwin now, and he doesn’t even know how that’s happened, doesn’t know when or why he has begun to talk so much, so loud. That’s not him. But he’s angry, he’s so angry because he never truly stops being furious and that’s the only thing he knows. 

“Are you done?” 

“Fuck you.” Levi hisses without taking his eyes away from Erwin, who looks completely unmoved by his heated words. 

“Just sit down.” Erwin tells him before moving away from the desk and going for the cabinet where he keeps the alcohol without looking at Levi once.

Levi scoffs and lets go of his frustration, granting Erwin his stupid wish and sitting down on the sofa, happy that he will at least get a drink out of this even though what he’d really need is three bottles of the strongest stuff. One drink isn’t going to even touch him, but the thought relaxes him enough to stay quiet and wait patiently for Erwin to hand him the glass. 

He takes one sip, two, watching Erwin doing the same, before the other talks. 

“You never seemed to have a problem with it, with me.” 

“A problem with what?” He replies exasperatedly. 

“You never seemed to care that I knew you were Wraith. Me or Mike and the others.” 

Levi, at that, can’t help but roll his eyes. “Yeah, genius, because that was only a few people not the whole fucking camp!” His voice grows louder once again but he manages to stop there, shaking his head after he says the words. 

“Of course, but you have to admit that us knowing was much more dangerous for you than any of them. That’s what I don’t understand.” 

Levi thinks now, before speaking again. Then, he just shrugs again. “You knew from the beginning anyway, what’s the point? Besides, aren’t you the one who wants to keep me here? I can at least believe that. And if you would have turned me in… I would have made sure to make you pay for it, trust me.” 

“I wish I could.” Erwin whispers and Levi is not even sure he’s heard that right. What? So he doesn’t really trust him… but he had sounded so sure. Fuck, Levi’s confused now. Even more than before. 

Erwin sits on the sofa with him, keeping a reasonable distance between them, which almost hurts since Levi had always been so used to have him near every time they would sit together under a tree or on the branch of their favorite one. Something that he shouldn’t even think about, that he shouldn’t miss, that’s in the past. Then why does he want him closer- 

_ Stop!  _

Levi is sure he will go crazy one of this days because of all the constant contradictions going on in his brain. But Erwin stays far away from him, on the other side of the sofa, as he keeps sipping his own drink while staring into the void for a while as if he was in deep thought. Levi doesn’t say a word. 

“Anyway,” Erwin begins, slowly turning his head to look at Levi. “from now on, you understand, it’s better if you keep yourself out of fighting, if you obey and especially if you stay by my side more. Or if you simply stay in my office, or with Mike, as long as you’re not left alone with the other soldiers for too long.”

“Tch, why do I need to do that? I know how to defend myself from these brats. They’re not strong as-”  _ As you _ , Levi wants to say but his pride stops him. Erwin seems to understand anyway, and he nods. 

“I know that, Levi, it’s not your safety I’m worried about. Well, I am, but I know who would win in a fight and we can’t have that. Not now that the truth is out.” 

Levi clenches his jaw and looks at him as he’s already going to object, but Erwin’s eyes change and he sees how serious he is. 

“Levi, I mean it. No more fights, no more anything. Even Shadis has decided that if you’re going to cause any trouble at all you’ll be sent to prison and then to the capital for a trial we both know would end up with death. No more mistakes, are we clear?” 

Levi narrows his eyes, still not talking. Then, Erwin seems to hesitate. 

“I know I have offered to help you escape if you truly wanted it before, but now that’s not an option anymore.” 

“What?” Levi says confused, and Erwin probably hears it as if Levi had been offended by it.

“I can’t help you with that, now. They would know right away it was me and I can’t risk that, I’ve worked too hard to just lose it all because you can’t stop punching people in the face, and Levi… I don’t want to help you.” 

Levi’s silver eyes widen at that, feeling his heart cringing at the sudden words, not knowing why it hurts so much to hear them. He knows, though. 

When Erwin goes on, Levi hurts a little less, gets angry a little more. “You are far too important to the Survey Corps to just let you go, we need you and your strength. I’m not helping you leaving when you could so much for humanity-” 

“Fuck, of course you would say that.” Levi shakes his head again and looks away, tightening the grip on his glass and almost breaking it in the anger of the moment. 

“What did you think I was going to say?” 

“I wouldn’t know, really. It doesn’t matter anyway because as much as I hate this I can’t do much about this.” 

“So, are you telling me you’re going to actually behave now?” 

“I’m telling you I don’t have a choice. It’s either that or eventually getting caught and die, and I don’t want to die. Not like that.” 

“Not like that? What do you mean?”

Levi freezes, because Erwin doesn’t know, he doesn’t know anything about how he’d wanted him to just squeeze his hands around his neck and end his life in his place the night they’d fought. Shit. Levi’s not even sure why he’d wanted that, he doesn’t want to die, but it’s true. If it’s him, then it’s okay. It’s crazy. 

“It means that it’s none of your business.” Levi says, finishing his drink and getting up, pacing towards the door after putting the glass on the desk, done with the conversation.

“I’m guessing I can at least sleep in my bed.” He continues without looking back, scratching his now bare neck. It feels empty without the tie.  

“Wait.” Erwin says, Levi turns around. 

“What do you want?” 

“What happened before?” 

“I-” What indeed, if only Levi knew too. “I don’t know.” There is no reason to lie, at this point, not after Erwin has even taken care of it. Of him. 

“Are you sure? You looked like you would once when… Well, I never knew what was really happening to you, but your eyes, they looked exactly the same.” 

Levi raises his chin up and draws in a shaky breath, remembering Erwin’s reaction to those kind of episodes back then and comparing it to how gentle and careful he has been now. For once, he wishes he could tell him the truth. For once, he might deserve it. 

“I really don’t know. I never knew.” 

“That’s alright, then. Just get a lot of rest.” Erwin says with a soft and worried voice, giving him a slight smile. Erwin looks tired, he’s probably the one who needs to rest more. 

“Whatever.” Levi says, and leaves. 

 

***  

 

That night Levi’s fears come true before he even knows it. He’s not one to sleep much, but today he falls asleep right away, surrounded by soldiers who look at him wrong and that are, luckily, too tired to say anything too. It’s in the middle of a disturbing dream that Levi wakes up with a jerk and with someone screaming on top of him. 

When he opens his eyes he sees the punch coming to his face, but he doesn’t dodge it. A boy, there is a boy on top of him, pinning him down with his heavy weight, crying his eyes out and calling him a murderer and a bastard because he’s killed his father. Levi doesn’t even know what this kid is talking about, but another punch comes and just before he can react he sees a sharp blade in the boy’s other hand. 

The punches burn slightly, the thing that hurts more is the sight of the boy’s face and the fact that people around them are watching and just- standing there. Fuck them, fuck this kid, but he’s obviously too upset to think clearly and if Levi makes a bad move he could risk a cut, maybe even a lethal one. Maybe he wouldn’t feel it, but death would come anyway. No, not today, not now. 

The kid keeps screaming, muttering words Levi doesn’t understand as he struggles under him and lets him punch him hard in the face (because he probably deserves that) until he gets too tired. He can finally grab his wrist and with a quick jerk he manages to get him off of him and tumbles down with him on the floor.

He stabs the boy’s stomach with his elbow, making him bend over and cough, but after that the knife manages to slit part of his chest and Levi feels that. He hisses and finally gets hold of the blade with another fast movement, another strong punch in the boy’s desperate face that makes him collapse and shut up at the same time. Levi is not sure whether the other has lost his sense or not.

That easy, huh?

He stands up panting, suddenly realizing what he’s just done, with the knife in his hand and everyone staring at him. 

Fuck. This is bad, this is really bad. 

He drops the knife and leaves, not looking at anyone else, not even the guy who’s just attacked him and goes to the only place he knows he will be safe. Or at least where no one would try to come and find him. He’s just too tired to care, Erwin was right, he needs rest, and a surprise attack in the middle of the night isn’t what the doctor would prescribe for his health. Especially not if it only makes him feel guiltier than ever because he had never meant to kill any innocent kid’s dad. Never meant to know them, look at them in the eyes after, at least.

As he gets there he notices that the night is already slowly turning into a peaceful morning and that means that it won’t take long for Erwin to be in his office, he always wakes up that early. Good, because Levi is bleeding and this time is not just a scratch, but he can’t really go to the infirmary and the only other person he knows that could help him with this is a crazy scientist who would only test his blood instead of patching him up. He hates that he can’t do this alone-

No, that’s not true. He can. He has done it hundredth of other times already... he just doesn’t want to. He’s exhausted, his mind barely lucid at this point, and maybe he doesn’t want to be alone.

_ God, I’m so weak. What the fuck happened to me? Just for a little fight.  _ Levi thinks and curses himself as he steps into Erwin’s office, opens the window and slumps on the couch without paying much attention to anything else. Not the far away birds singing outside, not the cloudy light of the sun starting to raise entering the room. He doesn’t care. He closes his eyes, giving in to the quiet silence around him. 

Some peace, finally-

The door opens and Levi, not even bothering to open his eyes, hears Erwin getting in, gasping first and then sighing deeply. 

“Wait here.” He says, leaves, and only comes back after a couple of minutes during which Levi doesn’t even move a muscle. The wound hurts, itches a bit more than usual and he’s going to enjoy the pain until he can, for once. 

Erwin sits on the sofa, Levi still flat on his back and with his eyes closed. He doesn’t want to see, pretending this is just a dream in which he lets someone else taking care of him (again). 

“I need to take your shirt off.” Erwin tells him, an order more than a request but it’s still kind. 

With his mind elsewhere and his vision dark, Levi goes back to his childhood in his forest and imagines to be there. With his best friend. Nothing more, nothing less, it’s certainly easier that way. It’s easier when Erwin makes him lift up enough to take his shirt off, his hands careful and slow, and when he feels the cold air kissing his thin body full of old deep scars. It’s easier when he relaxes and lies down once again, letting out a small pained sigh. 

Erwin doesn’t say anything, he only starts cleaning up his bleeding wound with a damp towel,  as he had done with the scratches on his neck, and stays silent. The pressure is professional, trying to clean as much as he can and at the same time trying not to hurt him more, Levi appreciates. What Levi’s not sure he does appreciate is the moment when Erwin’s other hand touches his shoulder gently, barely there but still burning on his skin, to make him stay as still as possible. Levi shivers at that, presses his lips together, but doesn’t move. 

Then, he hears Erwin gasping again but this time with real surprise. He still doesn’t want to look, he knows what’s happening, he knows it even too well and he still doesn’t understand it. The wound is closing, faster than anyone else’s would.  

“What the-” Erwin whispers, and Levi sighs once more. “Is this supposed to happen?” 

Levi only nods, feeling Erwin’s hand squeezing his shoulder for a second and then a finger tracing the healing cut on his skin leaving a trace of pleasant warmth behind it as it disappears far too soon. 

“Levi-” 

“Don’t.” Levi speaks, finally. The pain is completely gone now, there is only a shallow wound to clean up and some blood to wash. Too bad, because the wounds he has inside never disappear like that.

He knows Erwin wants an explanation, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about, he’s just as clueless as he might be. 

“What happened?” Erwin asks instead, changing the topic and understanding Levi, as he keeps brushing the towel on his chest. Levi doesn’t complain. 

“A kid jumped me while I was sleeping.” He says, as if he was just telling him about his day, too tired to care or even remember. Too focused on feeling the warmth of Erwin’s body near him. 

“What?” Erwin says with an alarmed voice and stops. “When? You should have told me sooner!” 

This time, Levi opens his heavy eyes and faces a genuinely worried Erwin. “Why?”

“Because it changes everything.” Erwin crosses his arms on his chest and looks down at Levi shaking his head slightly and frowning. 

“What did you think happened?” Levi has to ask. 

“I-”

“You thought I picked another fight, didn’t you? What? Were you just too tired to scold me this time?” Levi clicks his tongue and sits up, grimacing at the slight uncomfort he still feels, and finding himself closer to Erwin without realizing. Face to face. 

“No.” Erwin answers, his voice serious. 

Levi raises his eyebrows up and tilts his head slightly to the side, moving himself a bit farther from him. “Then what-” 

He stops. 

His eyes widen. His heart freezes in time. 

Erwin raises his hand up without him noticing and places it on Levi’s chest, spread open, fingers and palm touching his cold pale skin illuminated by the fresh light of the morning. Erwin’s big, blue eyes still fixed on his own.

“I fought you had gotten into a light fight, yes, since your face doesn’t look so good.” Erwin starts explaining, keeping his hand still, looking at Levi with something that looks like both concern and affection. “But this-” 

And he looks down one second to Levi’s wound and his own hand, just to look back up a second later. “I thought you had done that to yourself.” 

“Why would you think that?” Levi barely manages to whisper, as he brings his face closer to Erwin’s, something more powerful than himself drawing him there. 

“Because of the scars on your arms.”

They both look down at Levi’s forearms, still covered with red scars that are finally fading away. Maybe Levi had been harder than he thought on himself. Still, at that, he’s completely speechless. He can’t look at Erwin now, but he can feel his stare on him and he doesn’t know what to do, where to go, as the other’s hand moves from his chest to his shoulder, to his arm, to his wrist. Resting there. 

What the hell does this mean?

He’s supposed to kill this man, hate him, not letting him comfort him and touch him like this. He’s opened his eyes, why? Now everything is real, everything is harder. Fuck. 

He wants to take his hand and hold it, as he would have done in another life. Wants to squeeze it and feel that he’s not going anywhere, that he can trust him again. He really wants to, feels the need to, but instead his hand stays numb until he pushes Erwin away and he gets up quickly leaving both confused and surprised. He takes a deep breath, he needs one. 

He takes his shirt from the sofa and puts it on, shaking slightly as he does, not even caring if it’s still dirty from his own blood, whatever. He needs to cover himself, needs to hide far away from Erwin and his damn hypnotizing eyes and gentle hands.

He has never felt anyone being so gentle with him. Shit. Again. This is happening too many times, it needs to stop and Levi knows it, Levi has already said that to himself more than he’d care to remember. He can’t stop it.

“I’m going now.” Levi says, ready to flee, but Erwin stands up and grabs his arm, stopping him. He takes his hand away almost immediately. 

“Where?”

Levi looks up, the height difference a problem when he feels so little and lost in Erwin’s presence already. 

“I don’t know. Back to sleep, I guess, even though I have little less than one hour.” He shrugs, trying to sound casual because, inside, he’s going to implode. 

“That’s out of the question. Besides, what happened to the one who attacked you?” 

“I punched him, he fell basically lifeless on the floor and I left to come here immediately after. I have no idea how he is now. But I didn’t go too hard if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I wasn’t. Did you know why he did it?” Erwin asks, more business-like now. 

“Yeah.” Levi doesn’t elaborate but of course Erwin pries. 

“I need to know, Levi.”

“He said something about his dad, and about me being a bastard or something like that. I think I killed him. His father, I mean.” 

“I’ll talk to this soldier, then.” Erwin says. “But you aren’t going back there.”

“Where am I supposed to go, then?” 

“I’ll show you.” 

 

***

 

When Levi wakes up after only an hour and a half of sleep it’s in a different bed, different room all for himself, the one Erwin has told him to use to be safer. Right next to his quarters, where the walls are thin and cold, and where he’s aware that from now on he would meet Erwin morning and night and many times more. The mattress is even less comfortable than the one in the barracks, but the room is empty enough to manage to keep it clean at all times, that’s good. Levi will have something to do every once in a while, then.

Maybe that’s better for his plans, to find the documents at least, but Levi still doesn’t like the idea. Especially doesn’t like the small room, but luckily there is a huge window above his bed and he can keep it open as much as he wants not to feel trapped. In the end, it’s just a spare room that will keep him far away from any other possible crazy soldier who wants to kill him.

Crazy? Was that kid really crazy for wanting him to die? It’s not like he’s any different, but at least he knows how to kill someone and not to lose control. Or so he hopes, given that ever since seeing Erwin again things have sure been confusing. 

Levi pushes the thought away, gets dressed and leaves for- Going where? 

He has no idea what’s going to happen now but when he knocks at Erwin’s door there is no reply and he imagines he’s already up. Everyone is possibly already up, it’s the first time he ever sleeps in but it’s not like anyone is going to care. He could go to Erwin’s office but instead he heads for the training room that should be empty now that the days are hotter outside, spring basically there, and no one trains with the weapons at this hour of the morning. 

Levi’s wrong, because when he gets there he finds a couple of cadets, who look at him once and then basically run away without even saying anything. Wow, is that the effect is going to have on everyone from now on? Levi can’t really complain, at least they will leave him alone. But it annoys him, anyway. Always being the rejected one. 

He spends two full hours working out and no one bothers him, no one even passes in front of the room and he guesses it’s because those guys from before have warned the others. That’s okay, because he doesn’t want to be distracted, he just wants to lose himself in the training and not to think for a while. When he finally steps outside he heads for the common showers and cleans himself quickly before finally heading towards Erwin’s office. 

He still hasn’t seen Aryaa but he’s not sure he wants to, what will she think? The only young one who, even before, had the decency to treat him like a real person. He shakes his head and hopes not to meet her in the way. 

Instead, he meets Darlett. Fantastic. They don’t say much, but it’s evident in his eyes that he’s something between seriously pissed off and scared, too. Levi wonders when people will finally stop looking at him like that, but then again it’s all his fault and they’re probably right. It’s so stupid to hope the contrary since that’s his job. He sighs, as Darlett talks of things he doesn’t care about, and waves him off before he can even finish what sounded like a scolding for not presenting himself at the training with the others, but what should Levi have done? It’s better for everyone if he stays away for a bit. Out of trouble, anyway. 

He spends the rest of the day with Erwin, who doesn’t say much and just works with his blond head bent on the desk and wearing his glasses at one point, too. He must be tired. Levi doesn’t notice it, really, because he has other things to think about. Like the fact that the next day he’s supposed to go kill whoever Lobov had told him he wanted dead, and he can’t really step away from it. He already knows where to find him, when and how, the disgusting noble had given him enough information about that. He only needs to kill, fast and clean. An easy job, but he still needs to be careful, especially now that he’s not supposed to leave at all, but he can find a way. 

Erwin won’t notice. 

 

***   
  


Levi leaves in the middle of lunch time, excusing himself saying that he has to go to take a shit and that he’d like to rest for a while. Erwin seems to buy it, even though he raises his eyebrows in suspicion when he says that, but trusts him enough not to get in actual trouble. And Levi is not going to. Not inside the camp’s walls at least. 

He changes into his old clothes before going, he makes sure no one is following him and then sneaks out, finding himself in one of the little towns near there in about half an hour. He still has time to take it easy and think. He’s supposed to enter this guy’s house and just wait for him there, jumping him and killing him in a single movement with a knife slitting against his throat. That’s the plan, that always works, he can do it. 

Waiting in the man’s bedroom is easiest part. He doesn’t look around, he doesn’t want to know anything about him because that could compromise his judgement, make him think he’s killing an innocent man -he is, anyway- and he doesn’t need any more guilt. It’s just a job and this one, he needs to do it. It’s either him or Erwin, and he’s still not ready. 

Finally, he hears the main door opening and he positions himself behind the door, silently, waiting. When the man enters the room he notices right away how tired he must be, but instead of jumping him right away Levi doesn’t- can’t move. He manages to look at him without the man noticing him and it doesn’t make sense. He’s supposed to have killed him already. 

But the man is young, tall, with a nice back and golden short hair. When he turns around Levi sees a familiar profile, a familiar blue in his eyes that he’s seen countless of times already and the man’s resemblance with Erwin strikes him hard and forces him to think about him. Forces him to think about what it would be like to actually kill him, and not this poor guy he knows nothing about. Shit. Levi’s mind races and his hands start sweating, the knife in his palm almost sliding away because of it. He’s hesitating.

Suddenly, this is not just another job anymore. It doesn’t matter if the man he has to kill is a good one, or a bad one. It’s not about that anymore, professionalism forgotten.

Levi starts to push aside every kind word Erwin has said to him the last few months, every gentle gesture, and tries to focus only on the anger, the hatred, the resentment he still feels burning inside him, but that his brain was slowly forgetting. No, not now. He can’t forget now. His mind brings him back to the first time they’d ever met, to the first word, first game, first smile. The first time he’d brought him on his favorite tree, to the river, to all of his most beloved places. The first time he’d felt happy next to him. Levi starts to feel upset, hand clinging to the knife better now. He remembers the first moment he had seen Erwin talking to Farlan and Isabel, the first time they’d played all together, the first time he had thought he could really have trusted him. 

Now he’s angry, but he doesn’t make a single sound. 

Finally, he gives himself permission to go back to the day he never wants to think about, the one which gives him nightmares and makes his vision go red with broken tears. The one that destroys him every time, that makes him feel so alone, so lost in this horrible world because if he couldn’t even trust his best friend then why bother? The painful image of his friends bleeding, dead on the ground, fills his mind. Erwin’s scared, shocked face. A face he’d hated so much at the time and that, if he thinks about that, he still hates more than all of the bad things that have ever happened to him.

Erwin had killed his friends, his family, had broken his trust and his heart. He had made him the person he is today. Had he? Levi needs to convince himself of it for the job. A job he doesn’t even remember by now because his mind is clouded with anger and regret and he hasn’t felt like that in such a long time. It’s all coming back, hard and cruel, and he steps forward. 

Like a thunder in a clear sky Levi lets all of his feelings out and jumps on the guy, who barely has the time to notice him, in less than two seconds. He doesn’t go for the throat, as he had planned. Instead, he brings him down with a swift kick on the back of his knees and ends up straddling him and keeping him pinned to the floor, as he starts hitting him so hard he’s not even sure he will have to actually use the knife on him later. 

It doesn’t matter because the man’s features look like Erwin’s and that’s all Levi can see. He can take it all out on him, he can vent, he can punch and hit and not feeling guilty. He doesn’t have to stop the anger, the pain he’s been feeling inside for years and the frustration he’s only been feeling for the last few months, since Erwin has been back in his life. Levi doesn’t show pity, he doesn’t want it to end so soon, he needs time, he needs to-

He doesn’t even know what he needs, and his mind, his vision goes numb as instinct takes over and his body moves on its own. He’s not there anymore. He won’t even remember half of it after this. It’s exactly like the first time he had killed those men who had abused him and treated him like shit. Men who’d deserved to die. Erwin deserves to die too, right now. Erwin’s ghost does, the kid who had killed Farlan and Isabel does. No holding back. 

Without noticing he starts using his knife, stabbing the man under him once, twice, and again and again until there is blood everywhere and the only thing Levi’s able to see is the color red. He doesn’t care, doesn’t elaborate it. He’s free, for once, to hit his demons back in the face and see them fading away in a mess of cut pink flesh and the strong smell of iron. Levi could kill anything in his sight right now, Erwin or not. He’s not in control anymore, his animal side is, the side someone once modified and that he still doesn’t understand. He’s not human anymore, he’s just a feral beast fighting for life, for primitive justice.

Eventually, he gets too tired to keep hitting him. The man is dead, he’s been dead for a while now, his blue eyes wide open under him and, just like that, Levi comes back in a sudden jerk and realizes what he’s done. Eyes of ice that blame him from the other side, shocked, scared, innocent. They could be, they will be Erwin’s eyes when he’ll kill him. 

Levi stands up shaking hard, barely managing to stand on his legs, and puts the knife away slowly without even cleaning it. What has he done? Where has he gone? Fuck. Fuck! He feels a lump starting to form in his throat, burning, and he’s not sure whether he feels like throwing up or crying now. Crying for what? For who? Himself, the monster he has become, always has been. 

What does this mean? The bloody mess under him makes no sense. Does that mean he wants to kill Erwin? That he was just venting, that he- That he what? Levi screams, once, loud and piercing through the empty silence of his shattered heart. He doesn’t know. What has he done? That man didn’t deserve such death, this was supposed to be a quick job- He’s going to get in trouble. In so much trouble. 

His mind starts thinking logically again, he needs to clean up, he needs to find something to wash the mess up, he needs to- 

He turns around, and then time stops. He’s not alone.

“Aryaa.” 

She’s standing there, her mouth half-open and her eyes impossibly unreadable. Is that surprise? Shock? Fear? Levi can’t tell. She’s not supposed to be there, no one was supposed to follow him, this is wrong, she’s seen him- She’s seen him losing control and killing that man like an animal. He’s never wanted her to see him like that, it shouldn’t matter but it does. He hates the expression on her face right now, but she doesn’t speak and before Levi can say another word, she leaves. 

He doesn’t follow her, but he leaves too. Leaving the mess behind, who cares. If they catch him now, he’ll deserve it. 

 

***

 

When he goes back to camp he runs straight to his room to change his clothes and tries to clean his face, full of stains of blood, as much as he can. He’s lucky he doesn’t meet anyone on the way there, especially Erwin, but it doesn’t really matter since all he can think about is Aryaa’s reaction. He can’t help but worry about it, worry that she’s never going to talk to him again and that, now, she’ll fear him too. The only friend he could hope to have in this hell of mixed feelings and cruel obligations. The only one who respects him and accepts him, but that’s probably in the past. Levi fucked it up. 

After that, Levi tries to avoid her (and everyone else) as much as he can but he still participates to the strategy’s lessons or the afternoon training, hearing all the mean comments behind his back and accepting the cutting stares. He doesn’t care about them, he just doesn’t want to face Aryaa. He can’t, fearing for the worst. 

When it comes to dinner time though, and he’s already heading for Erwin’s table with his food in his hands, because that’s the only place he knows no one will talk to him, someone stops him grabbing his arm. When he turns around his eyes widen and he nearly gasps. 

“Wanna join me?” Aryaa asks him, with the same big smile she always has. Levi frowns, perplexed.

“What?” She shouldn’t be talking to him, shouldn’t be grinning at him like that. Not now, not after what she’s seen. What’s wrong with her?  _ What’s wrong with me?  _ Levi also thinks. 

“I said,” And her smile grows wider and her eyebrows raise up.” wanna join me? Eat with me, you know, that’s what we’re supposed to be doing here anyway.” 

Levi blinks once. 

“I don’t… understand.” He doesn’t even know what to say, his usual numb, uncaring façade dropping in front of the young excited girl. 

“Oh, come on then!” She says in a loud voice and drags him towards the nearest empty table she can find. 

They both sit down and if before someone might have seated there, no one seems to even think about it anymore, looking at them strangely. When Levi looks around the dining hall to check whether he’s dreaming or not the only thing he manages to focus on is Erwin. He feels sick, suddenly, at the memory of what he’s done just a few hours ago, but when the man turns around and finally looks back at him he’s surprised face distracts him enough. He stares at Levi as if to ask him if he’s fine there, and Levi only nods once. 

“So, how was your day?” Aryaa starts the conversation, biting into a large piece of bread without keeping it quiet.

“It was-” Why is she asking me this? She knows- 

“Yeah?” She gives him another smile, as she swallows the food.

“It was different.” He replies, because that’s the only thing that might make sense. 

She nods enthusiastically as she keeps eating. He doesn’t touch his food, but he clears his throat and tries to play whatever game she’s playing. “How was yours? Good?”

“Sure, baby.” She smirks and her green eyes shine looking right at him. His silver ones narrow, instead. 

“Okay, stop.” He says, already done with this. 

“Stop what? The nickname, again?” She chuckles but then she looks at him and her expression changes, growing more serious. 

“Who gives a shit about how you’re calling me right now? No, just stop- stop being so friendly, it’s freaking me out.” 

“I know.” She says, and then she cracks a smile. 

“What? Are you having fun with this? Are you crazy?”

“Why? Are you going to hurt me?” She replies his questions with other questions. 

“Give me a reason to and I will.” He says, not sure he really means it, but if people must be scared of him then it might as well be all of them. She doesn’t look scared, though. 

“I won’t. I promise.” She sounds honest. Now Levi wants to know. 

“Why did you follow me?” 

“Oh, are we at that point when you start asking me questions?” She giggles, crossing her arms and leaving her food untouched for a moment. 

“Yeah, exactly at that point. So?” Levi’s not big on patience. 

“I wanted to talk to you, you know, about you being Wraith and all, but then I saw you wearing some other clothes and sneaking out and I got curious. That’s it.” 

“How much did you see? How long had you been standing there?”

Aryaa stays silent for a long moment. “Enough time for you to worry about it, I guess.” 

“Shit.” He hisses, turning his head to the side. “Then why are you even talking to me?” 

“Why shouldn’t I?” She shrugs. She just fucking shrugs, how? 

“Are you even serious right now? I-” 

  
“You did what you had to do.” 

“How do you know that?” He asks, exasperated by now, before adding something else under his breath. “That’s not a thing anyone sane would say, by the way.” 

“Because I guess that’s just your job, I mean you are the famous Wraith for something, aren’t you? I’ve known about you since I was fourteen man, the stories people would tell were crazy! But if that’s what you have to do to survive, or whatever, I’m not judging.” 

“Aryaa,” Levi says, calling her by her first name to make her listen closely. “today I’ve killed a man, and you saw it. But I didn’t just kill him, I fucking tore him to pieces, and that’s-” 

He clears his throat, aware he’s talking too loud. 

“That is not my job. My job is to end bad people’s lives quick and neat not- that. What I’ve done today was fucking crazy, how can you say you’re not going to judge me? You’re sitting here as if I was just as innocent as you are, but what do you know? How can you-”

“I don’t care.” She interrupts him. “Levi, I simply don’t care. If you say that your job is to kill bad people, then he was one too. Yes, he died in a pretty terrible way but that’s just it. I don’t want to remember what I’ve seen today, but I’m not going to treat you any differently. Everyone else is going to do that anyway, why putting even more weight on your shoulders?”

“... you’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met, I swear.”  _ Not even Erwin was like this, with his creepy smiles and curious eyes,  _ Levi thinks, shaking his head at her words. 

She laughs, after that, as if he’d just told her the funniest joke. “You’re probably right, but I like you. And I don’t judge the people I like.” 

“You what?”

“Oh, baby, no! Not like that!” She laughs some more and Levi blushes because he wasn’t even thinking about it that way, goddamn it. “I just mean that I like you as a person, maybe a friend?” 

“You want to be my friend?” Levi asks, looking at her with suspicion and shock altogether. 

“Yeah, why not? Can I?” 

“Um-” No one has ever asked him that, not since Erwin at least. Why has the conversation turned from tense to this awkward? “Whatever, as long as you don’t bring me any trouble.” 

“Of course not!” She smiles, but then Levi sees she’s hesitating.

“What is it? Just spit it out.” He asks, bouncing his leg under the table, incredibly nervous for whatever reason he doesn’t understand.

“You’re… good at what you do, aren’t you?”

“I guess. What are you saying here?”

“Nothing! But I mean… I guess it makes sense if you’re good at, ahem, killing people or fighting and, damn, when I saw you flying with the gear it was like you were made for it…”

“I’m still not following you.” Levi frowns, narrowing his eyes. 

“I want to be good like you.” She says, and suddenly he’s never seen her being more serious. There’s a spark of true determination going behind her eyes, something Levi can’t ignore. 

“Then work hard. What am I supposed to do about it?” He shrugs, trying to avoid her stare now.

“Teach me.” 

“What!” Now he does it, his voice too loud and people are staring at him. Fuck. He tries not to think about it and then lowers his voice into a hissed whisper. “Fucking forget it. I don’t know how to do that and I don’t even want to. Just do it by yourself.” 

Eventually, people stop looking at them. 

“But why not?” She complains sounding like a little child, making puppy eyes at him. 

“No way.” 

“But you’re good! I want to be strong and cool like you!” 

“Why do you even think I’m cool? Everyone hates me if not worse… do you want to end up like that just by spending useless time with me?” Since when does he care if people hate her? But he doesn’t want them to, honestly, he wants her to be young and happy as she should be. 

“It wouldn’t be useless. Who cares what everyone thinks! Besides, people liked me before and if they stop only because I want you to help me with training then it’s their problem.” 

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” He clicks his tongue, crosses his arms and looks away. What is she thinking? And why isn’t she just walking away?

“I do! Please?” She asks, begs, leaning in on the table and staring at him without even blinking once. Somehow, Levi can’t say no.  _ As if I didn’t have other shit to worry about-  _ But she’s seen what he’s done and she still respects him, still trusts him. That’s a first. 

“I’ll think about it.”

“Yes! That’s my baby!” She laughs happily.

Levi rolls his eyes. 

_ *** _

The next few days go by undisturbed. Levi sleeps in his lonely room, trains by himself or with the others in religious silence, ignoring their insults or scared stares, he eats with Aryaa at lunch and dinner and spends the rest of the time with Erwin. The murder is still on his mind, but at least Aryaa distracts him enough with her constant begging, because she wants to be strong and powerful like him, and while he’s with Erwin his mind just shuts the event off. Nothing ever happens, then, and for a few hours Levi really thinks he can have some peace, despite his obligations. This Wraith thing is going much better than he thinks.

Except it isn’t.

One evening after dinner Levi goes directly to Erwin’s office, which is strangely still empty, because it’s still too early to sleep and he doesn’t want to spend too many awaken hours in his small claustrophobic hours, and yes, even Erwin’s quiet company is better than that. He sits on the sofa and lets his head fall backwards as he waits, after opening the window and letting the light breeze enter the room. It’s a calm evening. He doesn’t see why anything would go wrong, until Erwin arrives. 

At first, everything is fine. He opens the door, nods at Levi and sits at his desk as usual. Levi barely looks at him, as he starts working on whatever he always works on, and closes his eyes. He tries to take a very light nap that won’t do much, but that at least will keep him busy from thinking. Only knowing that the other is there is enough to make him feel real, in a very odd, insane way, because Levi knows it’s wrong. Who cares? He’s fucked up anyway, he might as well let himself take it easy for a few hours. Doesn’t he deserve it? The answer is, of course, no. He doesn’t. But he’s no noble guy and shoves the thought away. 

They stay like that, among the sound of Erwin’s pen writing and paper shuffling, for a while, but before Levi can finally fall into some kind of deceived sleep Erwin talks. 

“I have something for you.” He clears his throat and Levi, who opens his eyes after grimacing, sees him opening one of the drawers of his desk. 

“I hope it’s something strong.” Levi says thinking and hoping that Erwin is talking about alcohol. He lets his mouth speak before he can realize that, for once, he’s talking to him with the same tone he would use with a friend, or at least a good acquaintance.  

Erwin closes the drawer and stands up. “No, actually. It’s something I thought you might want back.” 

“Huh?” Levi sits up straight and furrows his eyebrows.

When Erwin joins him on the sofa, sitting down next to him, but still not close at all like the last time, Levi sees the white clean piece of clothing in his hands. 

“Oh.” It’s his tie. “I’m surprised you managed to clean it that well.” He says in an almost awkward whisper, remembering the night when Erwin had taken care of him and the scratches on his neck while panic had assaulted him completely. 

Erwin gives him a tiny smile. “Hange might have helped.” 

“Finally she’s used science for something useful.” 

“Do you want some help with it?” Erwin offers, after a light chuckle.

“No. I know how to put it on by now.” Levi shrugs and, after taking the tie from Erwin’s hands, wears it around his neck. 

They stare at each other for a long minute, Levi frowning and Erwin unreadable. Then, the blond man sighs deeply, looking exhausted and as if he’d lost all hope, bringing his hands together above his long legs. 

“What is it?” Levi asks, suddenly nervous at the sound of that sigh.

“I know what you’ve done, Levi.” Erwin rubs his eyes for a few seconds, during which Levi doesn’t dare to speak, and then looks at him grimly. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Levi snaps, gulping at the end of his sentence.

“Let’s not play this game, please. I thought we were clear about not doing anything stupid, for now at least.” Erwin says and his voice is still normal, his face collected, but Levi can sense there is so much more behind it. Something that will soon turn into anger and disappointment. 

Perfect. 

“I haven’t done anything.” Maybe denying will help him forget about it too. Maybe if he keeps denying he’ll never have done it. 

“Of course. And I’ve never killed-” Erwin says, probably without thinking too much about it since Levi can see he’s too tired to even deal with the conversation, but he doesn’t end the sentence. Levi knows exactly what he wants to say. 

Erwin inhales deeply again, as Levi’s jaw clench and his grey eyes narrow in growing annoyance. “I don’t care about what you do for a living. I don’t care if you’re Wraith or some other famous criminal, I really don’t. But this? This was stupid and irresponsible.” 

“If you don’t care then why the hell are we talking about it?” Levi says, aware he’s just given up his denying pretense.

“Because you’re completely insane to have done something like that now, of all times. I don’t even know what to say to you, to be honest. Just-”

“Just what? What did you expect from me? I don’t have to follow anyone’s orders. Besides, that was out of the camp. None of your business.”

“I had told you to behave!” Erwin finally snaps, getting up and, before he hits something, making himself breathe deeply again. Levi stays still, but now he’s getting pissed off too. Why is Erwin so upset about him killing someone? But more importantly how- 

“How do you know about this?” He changes the subject and Erwin’s blue, worn out eyes lock with his. 

“What did you think? That no one would have noticed?” 

“Murders happen. How do you know it was me?” Levi asks with more impertinence now, because there’s something off in Erwin’s reply. “How could you possibly know that was me already and be so sure about it?”

“Aryaa told me.” He says, firm and serious.

“What-” Levi freezes, eyes widening open and breath cut short. “That fucking bitch, I can’t believe this.” 

“Don’t blame her.” 

“Fuck you! And fuck her!” Levi yells with rage in his eyes, getting up too now, but having nowhere to go. “Fuck anyone who I ever thought I could trust. Damn it, I’m so fucking stupid. Why don’t I ever learn?” The last few words come out of his mouth as a desperate whisper and he’s not sure Erwin has even heard them, but he doesn’t care. 

He keeps giving people a chance, and he keeps getting disappointed, because the ones he thinks he can trust always betray him one way or the other and he’s so sick of it. Why would she tell him? Why would she do that? Why was a simple relaxing evening turning into another emotional nightmare? Levi is so done with everything, everyone.

“Calm down.” Erwin tells him, not touching him but using his usual leading voice, which makes Levi stop shaking and look at him, anger and heartache still boiling inside of him. 

“She did the right thing.” He continues, but Levi doesn’t believe him. He doesn’t believe anyone anymore. “And I’m grateful she did, because at least now I know why I’ve been summoned to the Capital out of the blue. Now I know what they’re going to ask me, and, if I’m lucky, I will be able to actually do something about it.” 

“What.” The words hit Levi harder than the hardness in Erwin’s eyes. “How do they know?”

Erwin ignores the obvious panic that’s going through Levi, and replies. “As far as I know they are not sure, they can’t be, that it was you, but they certainly suspect you.” 

“No. You don’t understand. How do they know I even exist, for real? I shouldn’t be anything more than a legend among those fat idiots, I should be dead.” 

“Shadis told them when the word spread here. He had to, in case you might do something to put any of the soldiers in danger. But not everyone knows, in fact I believe your trial will be presided over by only a small number of people.”  

“This is-”  _ I’m fucked.  _ He thinks, but doesn’t say. Doesn’t tell Erwin that he’s thinking of Lobov and that probably he’s been there all those months for nothing because why would the man still trust him to do his job now? Doesn’t tell him that he’s far too messed up in the head right now to fix this. Doesn’t tell him that he’s so tired he wishes they could just be done and over with this. 

“Do I have to go too?” He asks, instead, and Erwin appears surprised by that. 

“No. I told you, they haven’t even told me what it was about.” 

“They why do you think it’s because of that? Couldn’t it be anything else?” 

“I doubt it, especially after what Aryaa told me and the fact that it happened all near here where they know you are. They already know you’re famous for killing rich people, and this man was under protection, too. They need someone to blame and they need it now.” 

“Under protection? So much for it, I managed to stepped into his house from the front door. I didn’t even know about that. Why was he under protection?” 

“I don’t have the details, I just know this one fact.” 

Levi thinks about what else Erwin has just said, and his face turns paler than usual. “What exactly did Aryaa tell you?”

“Enough for anyone to be really afraid of you, me included.” Erwin says, Levi understands. But he doesn’t look scared, he doesn’t even look angry anymore. “Which is why I need you to tell me why you did what you did.” 

“Why do you have to know that? I fucked up, that’s what.” 

“Because the more I know the more I’ll be able to play them. And it won’t be easy.” 

Levi takes a slow step towards Erwin. 

“Why are you helping me? Why do you want to go through this when all I do is giving you nothing but trouble? When I’m able to do such horrible things...”  _ Good, Levi, sure. Let’s start self-pitying ourselves in front of the only man that really doesn’t even deserve to hear this about you. The man you’re supposed to kill. Fuck! Why is he helping me? This isn’t fair.  _ Levi thinks, shaking his head and feeling slightly sick.

“You know why, I’ve already told you several times.” 

“Right. Because I’m too important for your fucking let’s-save-humanity dream, but why can’t you do that without me?!” 

“Because there’s no one else like you.” Erwin says, and silence falls. 

That is not what Levi wants him to say. He wants him to get angry, fight, and send him far away from him and everyone so that he can stop screwing up. Not even caring anymore about his original plan. Who the fuck cares at this point? He’s never taken the job just for the money, mostly because he had wanted his revenge against Erwin, but now? Now he’s too confused to even think properly. To even elaborate Erwin’s words.

“You should be grateful there isn’t.” Levi says, eventually, turning around to fall on the sofa and burying his head in his hands. 

“Aryaa told me what she saw. She said that you looked as if you had lost all of control, and that you tore the man to pieces. Is that true?” Erwin asks, getting closer to Levi but not sitting on the couch next to him. His voice softens, but it’s still not gentle like Levi likes it.  _ Like what? _

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Levi murmurs, lifting his head up enough to look straight ahead of him. Avoiding Erwin’s eyes, but feeling his presence near. 

“You will have to. Tell me what happened, because that wasn’t just another cut-throat job. I want- I need to know.” 

“I told you-” 

“It doesn’t matter whether you want it or not. Tell me.” Again with the commanding voice. Levi can’t say no to it. 

“I don’t know. I just went there to do the usual thing, nice and clean and then-” 

“Then what?” 

“I don’t know, I just lost it. I don’t understand how it works, I never have.” 

“It has happened other times?” 

“Yes.” Levi says, remembering the first group of rapists he had first killed in such a state. “Do you remember what happened that day at your house?” 

“I do.” Erwin doesn’t even hesitate. Of course he remembers, who would forget about that awful day?

“It’s like that. That’s the only way I have to explain it to you. Sometimes my head just goes numb and it’s like I’m not there anymore, like someone else takes control and I’m just watching but not really seeing. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t stop it when it happens, it’s fucking crazy.” He’s certainly said more than he wanted to. Levi has never said this to anyone, and it’s so weird to tell it out loud. But what does he have to lose?

“But it still happened other times, right? Who were the other people you killed like this, what had happened then?” Erwin asks. 

“They had… done something to me, I was angry.” 

Erwin seems to think about something for a while and Levi keeps looking at the nothing in front of his eyes in the meantime, waiting to be judged. 

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Erwin says, eventually. 

“Of course it doesn’t, that’s what I’ve been thinking all my life.” Levi scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

“No. Not that. I mean, I don’t know what’s the matter with that, but your last episode doesn’t make sense.” 

“What? Why?”

“Because when you had those episodes as a child there was always a reason. The mirror, for example, was one. And you had unsolved business, I presume, with the men you just told me about, you were angry. Another reason to lose control eventually. But this one? Did you have anything against this man?”

“I didn’t even fucking know him until L-” Shit, Levi almost says his name. “Until someone had told me I had to kill him.”

“So you had no reason to resent him.” 

“Hell no. He possibly didn’t even deserve the kind of death I gave him.” Since when does he even talk this much? It’s like Erwin has the power to make him speak. Hadn’t he always done that, though?

“Then why did it happen? What made you… snap?” Erwin asks, this time only genuinely confused and nothing else.

“I don’t know.” Levi says, and when Erwin’s stare lingers over him he does everything to keep his eyes away from his face. 

“I think you do.” 

“I don’t. Stop prying. I don’t know why it happened.”

“Levi, tell me the truth.” 

“You don’t want the truth. You want everything to go just fine and be happy in your little idealistic cloud. You better stay there.” That comes out harsher than he meant to, but it doesn’t seem to affect Erwin. Not that Levi would know, because he still doesn’t have the courage to look at him in the eyes. 

“I’m not going to let this conversation end until you tell me. It might be important, something that I can use when they’ll start asking me questions.” 

_ Why the fuck does it have to be so important? _

“I don’t know.” Levi repeats, again and again. 

“Levi-” 

Eventually, he gives in, ending up in a choked yell. “Fine! You want to know why? It’s because the guy looked like you!” 

Levi looks up, eyes huge and bottom lip slightly shaking. Fists clenched at his sides, his stomach cringing. He didn’t want to say that. Didn’t want him to know. Erwin looks back, but he doesn’t say anything and his eyes look suddenly empty and distant. Levi swallows hard and then takes his gaze away because it’s useless. He’s useless.

“Well, maybe I won’t be saying that at the meeting.” Erwin finally says, going back to sit at his desk as if nothing had ever happened. Levi frowns as he follows him with the corner of his eyes.

Erwin picks up his pen, he looks like he’s going to write, work again, but then Levi sees him hesitate. He looks up, and catches Levi staring at him. This time, neither of them look away in the tense and cold silence that has filled the room. 

“I have only one question.” Erwin says, loud and clear. Severe, but somehow hopeful. Somehow almost soft. 

“It’s not like I can stop you from asking.” Levi grimaces as he shrugs. 

“Would you do that to me?”  _ Would you kill me, destroy me like that?  _ Erwin is actually asking and Levi knows, there’s no need to spell it out loud. 

“I don’t know. I already told you, I can’t control it when it happens.” Levi says, being as honest as he can. Erwin is supposed to die by his hand anyway and it makes Levi almost sad, that he doesn’t know. He wishes he could tell him, make this fight fair, but he can’t. He would lose, and not because of missing strength. 

Erwin nods, and goes back to his papers. 

It’s only after a couple of unreal minutes that Levi speaks again, barely a whisper that he hopes Erwin hears. 

“Not even you deserve something like that.” 

 

***

 

Erwin leaves the next day and it’s the first time in weeks Levi finds himself alone, with nothing to do most of the day. He decides that cleaning his new room is the best thing he can do, until there is nothing more to clean -for the third time in a row- and he heads for the outside field hoping to be able to run for a while without being bothered by anyone. Luckily everyone else is busy with something else and the jog manages to clear his mind from the last conversation he’s had with Erwin and the fact that now that he’s gone... Levi feels weird. Lost, almost, even though he’s sure he’s coming back. 

The run keeps him from thinking that he recognizes exactly what he’s feeling, but he’s not willing to accept it. Now that Erwin is not there just one door away from his own room, not in his office, not in the chaos of the dining hall, Levi feels like he would a long time ago during those days in which he would wait and wait for him to come back. But since when does Levi care if the new Erwin is here or not? If he has to wait? However, he can’t control it and so he keeps his head and body busy. Besides, if Erwin is not there, it’s his fault only. 

His fault.  _ Damn it,  _ Levi swears internally wondering how things are going at the Capital. 

At some point during the light run he gets distracted by something else entirely, someone that he doesn’t want to see or talk to, that he’s been trying to avoid like fire.

“Hey! Hey, Levi, wait!” Aryaa calls for him in a panting yell as she runs faster to reach him. He runs faster too. If there’s someone he doesn’t want to deal with right now that’s her, not after what she’s done to him, no matter what Erwin says. She shouldn’t have. 

“Come on, this is not fair! You’re too fast!” She shouts again, but that doesn’t make him go any slower. He’s probably being childish but he doesn’t care, avoiding people is what he does best.

“Levi stop!” 

He grunts and rolls his eyes. 

“I just want to talk!” 

At that, he stops, looking at her with killer eyes and eventually she manages to reach for him, with her breath hard and heavy from the scramble. He waits, not so patiently. 

“What do you want?” He can’t look down at her, since she’s taller, but the feeling is the same. 

“You’ve been avoiding me all day! I thought that part was over-” 

“Go away.” Levi interrupts her, realizing that no, he really doesn't have the patience to talk to her and that stopping has been a mistake.

“What? But why!” She complains, frowning down at him and looking as confused as a child being scolded from something they haven’t done. 

“You know why and I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Now, can you leave me alone?” It’s already a surprise if he actually asks, even though there is annoyed sarcasm in his voice. 

For once, she doesn’t smile. “Are you serious? What have I done?” 

He sighs, giving in because apparently she’s just as stubborn as he is when it comes to denying things. At least they have something in common.

“You told him,” he doesn’t, can’t say his name “what I’ve done when I thought I could trust you with it, but of course I can’t. I can’t trust anyone and you should learn that as a very precious lesson. Now move, kid, get lost.”

“I didn’t tell anyone else!” She justifies herself, but Levi doesn’t like it. 

“Who the fuck cares! You told him, for fuck’s sake, who was the last person who needed to know about this!” Patience’s gone, he yells back, still so upset about the fact that now Erwin knows what kind of monster he is too. As if she, so young and innocent, wasn’t enough.

“He was exactly the person who needed to know, Levi!” She fights back, and Levi sees her angry side for the first time, a mix between worry and indignation. He sees the determination, the confidence of being right in her eyes and it takes him by surprise, because suddenly she doesn’t look like just a child anymore. 

He presses his lips together, shaking his head and crossing his arms on his chest to keep them from hitting anything around him. Maybe he should fix this, this instinct of always hitting something every time he’s angry. 

“Why not? I thought you were going to tell him! That’s why I did it, because I realized that you wouldn’t and-” 

“What? Why the fuck would I tell anyone something like that? Especially him?” Levi snaps, uncrossing his arms unconsciously and lowering his voice even though that only makes it sound more threatening, more confused too.

“What’s your problem? Seriously?” She asks, as if he had suddenly insulted her. 

“What’s my problem? My problem is that you’ve been such a pain in the ass all this time, pissing me off about wanting to be my friend and some other bullshit but you know what? Friends are not supposed to tell each other’s secrets to other people.” Not that Levi knows nothing about that, not that he even cares about what being friends means or not, but if that’s what she wanted then she can fuck off because she’s already failed the test for being her friend. 

“No, you’re right, friends are supposed to protect each other and that’s why I told Erwin!” 

“What-” Levi freezes for a second. Protect each other, that’s such a distant concept to him.

“He needed to know! God, Levi, you’re such a stubborn idiot and I’ve only known you for a while. I’m just looking out for you, we both are, since it was obvious that you would get caught or at least suspected, no way you could get away with that mess alone. I already told you, people think I’m stupid, but I’m not, and I was just trying to-” 

“Yeah, to protect me, I get it. So fucking noble. It doesn’t mean that you should have at least told me first.” 

“Why? Would you have agreed?”

“No.” 

“That’s what I thought. That’s why I told him anyway! At least now he can try to help you.”

“Why are you both so eager to help me?” Levi groans annoyed and furious. He doesn’t get it, he’s taken care of himself for so long so why now? Why does it have to change now?

“You know that I like you, and I mean it when I say that I want to be your friend… what’s wrong with that? And Levi, god, you’re so blind when it comes to Erwin.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You treat him almost like an enemy,”  _ He’s supposed to be one _ , _ he’s supposed to be the worst one _ , Levi thinks, but can’t tell her that. “but he probably wants to be your friend more than I do. More than anyone would, actually. When I told him what you’ve done-” 

She stops, but Levi is quicker than her. “What?” He wants, needs to know. 

“I don’t know, Levi. I thought he was going to be either very angry at you or scared, but that’s not what he did.”

“What did he say?” Levi doesn’t even care if he sounds desperate for an answer.

“He didn’t say anything. He just looked so worried, like he was ready to run to you and tell you that it was going to be okay, and I don’t think anyone at all here has ever seen him show that much all at once. I was the scared one, at that point. He really cares and you think he’s an asshole... for what? Because he wants to protect you? Wow, yeah, such a bad person.” 

Levi’s eyes widen and he’s speechless. His mouth half open, his tongue numb. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, he’s supposed to resent Erwin for everything he’s ever done to him, not feeling his heart beat faster just because he knows that he probably does care. And he doesn’t mind, he doesn’t mind knowing that. He should. He hates him even more for that, now everything is going to be even harder, it would be so much better if Erwin hated him too. 

“Go away.” He tells her, barely a whisper, but he means it. He needs to think, he needs to forget about what he’s just heard, needs to convince himself he’s still right. 

She doesn’t move; she’s about to talk when he repeats himself, louder this time. “Go away!”

She gasps, hesitates, and then leaves shaking her head. 

Levi is alone. 

 

***

 

Erwin comes back after three days, and when he finally opens his office’s door late at night Levi is there. Actually, he hasn’t left the room much for past couple of hours, unwilling to stay in his empty and lifeless quarters. At least Erwin’s office had furniture, it smelled of books and woods and it was way more familiar. Levi has still the habit to get attached to the places which make him feel safer, and somehow that office does. 

Levi looks at the man stepping inside and he’s immediately able to read on his face and body just how tired he is. The blue in his eyes is clouded, his skin slightly paler than usual, his hair a complete mess. Erwin’s shoulders look heavy and his back isn’t straight up like always, the hand on the handle isn’t firm and when he finally looks at him it’s so different than what he’s used to.  

Erwin sighs deeply, but doesn’t seem to care whether Levi sees him like that or not. He takes his jacket off, throwing it on the desk without ceremony, and sits on his chair as he rubs his face with long fingers for several seconds. 

Levi’s leg starts to bounce in anxiety, since Erwin still hasn’t said anything, but he doesn’t push him. 

“How long have you been here?” Erwin asks, lowering his hands and looking at Levi again from behind heavy eyelids and long blond eyelashes. 

“Couple of hours.” 

“Hours?” Erwin sounds confused, as he slightly frowns at him. 

“Didn’t have anything better to do.” 

“Why aren’t you in your room? You didn’t have to wait for me, I never told you to.” Levi isn’t sure whether that is meant as a scolding or not. Either way, he almost blushes when Erwin tells him so. 

“I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to know how it went.” Levi says, but he knows that’s not the whole truth. Not that he would tell Erwin the real reason he’s there. 

“Ah, well. You’re free to stay here.” Erwin states, but where Levi was expecting even a slight smile there is nothing except for mild annoyance and weariness. 

“Are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to ask?” 

“I almost risked to be thrown out of the Corps for bringing you in. Actually, Levi, they were ready to send you to die and send me to prison.”

“What-” 

“But eventually I managed to convince them that we need you, with Zackly’s help. Of course, you will have to show them how valuable you actually are in the next expeditions. If they won’t receive positive, really positive, feedback from us about you then I’m afraid their first solution will rest.” 

Fuck. 

“What happens if I disappear?” Levi has to ask, sure that they have probably discusses that too. 

“I hope you’ll kill me first, then, because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life behind bars.” 

_ Well, that’s the plan.  _ “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Nothing, except maybe you could avoid killing people. Can you do that?” The sarcasm in Erwin’s voice is new to Levi, but it’s fair enough. Erwin has every right to be grumpy right now, he would be furious in his place. 

“Sure.” 

“Good, then.” Erwin sighs again, relieved now. “I hope this time you will actually behave.” 

“If it wasn’t for you I would have already raised hell, here, just to piss those fucking pigs at the Capital off.” Levi says, meaning to break the tension but creating more embarrassment instead.

“Why would you stop because of me?” Erwin asks, tilting his head in curiosity, now his lips turning up in the ghost of a smirk.  _ Because I have to kill you and no one else can do it but me,  _ Levi thinks, but something tells him that’s not the whole story. Hell if he knows. 

Levi shakes his head and stands up, aiming for the door. 

“You’re an idiot.” He tells him, not even sure why he does. 

“You’re welcome.” Erwin replies back, with a hint of exasperation. _ Thank you _ , that’s what Levi should say, because no matter what Erwin has just saved his ass. But he can’t say it, he doesn’t even know if he still has it in him. It sounds way too kind.

Levi leaves, slamming the door behind him. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. So, guys, it's summers, it's hot, it's hard to think ughhh writing is difficult but I'm still trying forgive me if the next chapters will take a bit longer to update but I promise they are coming! I finished plotting everything and it should end up being a 21 chapters long fic, more or less. Anyway, next chapter is already written and ready though so that's not really the problem, the rest is ehehe BUT you'll forgive me because next chapter is going to be another LOOOONG chapter kinda like ch. 11 and things will be happening for real! so stay tuned :3 (just saying, but Levi gets drunk in the next one ehhhheh)
> 
> ... and as always, sorry if you find mistakes in here I'm sure there are and I sure am sorry for that!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ 
> 
> so, here's a new chapter for you! (I hope you'll like it) (things are happeniiiiing) I just wanted to thank you all for reading this and leaving kudos and comments you're all amazing <3 (warnings at the end as usual, but, ahem, spoilers)

 

Another week passes, but nothing really happens; Levi keeps spending his days with Erwin either in his office or outside to train. No one really knows whether Levi is even part of Darlett’s squad anymore or Erwin’s, but no one also seems to care for now, not until the next expedition, not as long as Levi stays away from people and doesn’t talk to them. Levi is fine with it, at least Erwin is civil with him. 

The training hours are what he finds most stimulating, and certainly interesting. Seeing Erwin working out, flying among the trees with the gear and practicing with his blades has a special effect on Levi, who finds himself staring more times than he should. He’s still amazed by how good he is. Something that Levi likes too is practicing hand to hand combat with him, the only person who kindly accepts to fight him. When that happens people stare too, but they both know it and they both don’t care. 

When that happens Levi only concentrates on him, studying his strength and agility. How fast he is, how much could his height be considered a real concern for him, how powerful a punch is, and so on. Erwin seems to enjoy it too, seems to study Levi just as much as does. It’s a way to get to know each other again, Levi thinks, and for once doing something like that might actually turn out to be helpful the day he has to- 

Yes, that day. Levi doesn’t want to think about it. 

Sometimes Levi gets to spend some time with Hange too, but Erwin never leaves his side anyway. Mike stays away most of the times, Levi is not sure he’s ever liked him, but it’s okay. Even though he wonders what Erwin feels about that. Not that he cares. 

The only social interaction he gets is during lunch or dinner, sometimes breakfast too, depending on whether Erwin chooses to eat it in the dining hall or not. Levi has noticed how the man always makes the effort to eat the rest of his meals with the others, probably to make Levi feel a bit more accepted, but when that happens no one talks to him except for him and Hange sometimes, and he surely doesn’t try to begin a conversation with anyone.

One day, that routine gets interrupted by someone grabbing at his arm while he’s on his way to his table as he’s walking next to Erwin. 

“Huh?” He stops and turns around and the hand leaves his arm. When he looks up his eyes rest over Aryaa’s face. 

“Ah, of course. What do you want?” Levi asks and Erwin stops too, waiting for him only a few inches apart. 

“Umm.” She giggles, looking nervously at Erwin and then back at him. She looks like she’s struggling with her plate in her hand to try and make up a very quick salute for Erwin’s presence. The man just smiles and nods, silently telling her it’s fine.

“Wanna eat together?” She says with an awkward smile, as her cheeks warm up and her eyes keep going from him to Erwin. 

Levi frowns. Does she have a problem with Erwin? Wasn’t she the one who had spilled his secrets to him? Shouldn’t they be best friends by now? Tch, whatever. 

“No.” Dry and right to the point. Levi has no time for her. 

“Why not?” She exclaims suddenly in panic, her green eyes wide open in confusion. 

“Because I don’t want to. It’s that simple.” 

“Levi, you can join her if you want.” Erwin interrupts them, speaking with a calm voice, even though there is something off in his eyes. 

“What? Do you think I need your permission for that? I just have nothing to say.” 

“You don’t have to say anything!” She says hopeful. “Please?” 

Levi sighs deeply, annoyed already, but then he thinks that he doesn’t say anything much anyway and if he says yes she will leave him alone. “Fine.” 

“Yay!” She looks like a child on Christmas day, it’s slightly unnerving. 

“I’ll see you later, then.” Erwin says, and nods briefly before he leaves them alone. Strangely enough he doesn’t even look at Levi as he does. Weird, but every thought is shoved away as soon as she grabs him by his arm again and basically forces him to sit down with her at an empty table.

“So, did you two talk about it?” She asks with a smirk on her face. Her energy and ability to change mood that easily makes Levi crazy, but that’s also what he’d like her first for. So much like Isabel. 

“I thought I didn’t have to talk.” 

“Oh, right! Yes, sure, you’re right. I’m going to do the talking then…” She seems to think, embarrassment slowly creeping up between them. “Ahem… so....” 

“Oh! I know what to tell you! Listen, since last time you’ve been the one to tell me a secret… well, you didn’t exactly tell me but whatever, I’ll tell you one now!” 

Levi stares at her without blinking and then rolls his eyes, nodding slightly and giving up, because she looks far too eager to tell him. 

“Do you know that story about squad leader Darlett and the spider?” She asks, lowering her voice. What?

“No.” What the hell is this? Who cares?

“Well, you were probably going to hear this anyway, sooner or later. So, yeah, like two years ago I was in his squad, then they moved me but, ahem, that’s another story. Well anyway, this one day he was really pissed and started to insult us all for even the stupidest mistake, and of course we didn’t like it, right? Of course we didn’t but we couldn’t do much...”

She takes a deep breath, a proud smile forming on her lips. “The next thing we know is that that very same night we, well, actually everyone, heard him screaming so loud we all thought he was being killed or something! But then, when we rushed to his quarters, we found him crouched in a corner in his nightshirt, looking scared as if he’d seen a bloody ghost and pissing his pants, pointing at some tiny spider on his bed.” At that, she giggles loudly. “It was like, the best night of my life.” 

Levi waits, elaborates the information, and frowns deeply tilting his head to the side. “Not that I don’t like the idea of Darlett being humiliated, but how is that a secret. You just told me everyone knows.” 

Her chuckle fades away and she continues. “Oh! But that wasn’t the secret.” 

“Then what was it?” 

“Well, the thing is, and I’ve never told this to anyone because I know someone would tell and they’d either kick me out or just stop respecting me altogether then… anyway, yes, the thing is that I’d heard he was scared of spiders and I was the one to put it in his bed. It was my fault. Best prank I’ve ever pulled, and trust me, I’m so happy I can finally brag about it with someone!” 

“...” Silence falls, and for a moment she looks so scared, like she knows she’s said the wrong thing. But then something unexpected happens. 

Levi starts smiling, chuckling, until he ends up bursting into genuine laughter. He tries to cover his mouth with his hand but he just can’t, finding the thought too amusing and not being able to stop the strange, fizzy feeling in his guts. He hasn’t laughed in years, since Erwin probably. 

His eyes squint as his cheeks can’t seem to relax, and he barely notices the expression of pure shock in Aryaa’s face as he keeps laughing. Barely notices how everyone is staring at him, especially Erwin who’s probably been the first one to turn as soon as the lively sound has left his mouth.

When Levi finally realizes how everyone has felt silence he finally stops, drying his eyes with his hands and shaking his head. Again, his usual numb expression comes back and with one single piercing stare at everyone else around him he manages to convince them to go back to whatever they were doing. 

When the silence leaves and they are surrounded by muffled chaos again, Levi speaks. “I’m slightly proud of you, right now.” 

“Holy shit-” She says, still in shock, and he gives her a tiny smile to let her know it’s okay. He’s so not used to smile at people, let alone laugh, but that was great. If he only could feel like that more often.

“I didn’t know you could laugh like that! I don’t think I’ve even ever seen you smile, Levi, like… woah.” She smiles back, after she lets go of the surprise. He only shakes his head more in reply. It’s easy to smile with her, he finds out. It makes him sad, but also happy somehow. Happiness, such a strange concept.  

“Tell me something, kid.” Levi says, changing the subject. 

“Shoot, baby.” 

“How in the hell did you end up here in the Survey Corps? Why did you think it was a good idea?”  _ Why did you think assured death was a good idea _ , Levi actually thinks. She doesn’t deserve that.

“My dad was in the Survey Corps.” 

“Oh…” Levi almosts says he’s sorry. 

“What? Why did you say it like that?” Aryaa frowns, then she realizes. “Oh! No! My dad is alive, dude. Very much alive!” 

_ Oh, fuck, thank god.  _ “Then what? You just wanted to be like him? What happened to him, too old?” 

“No, nothing like that. He had an accident and lost a leg, he couldn’t be a soldier anymore. We had… well, still have money problems and our family is a big one… and so I decided to come here because among all the jobs I could possibly find this is the one that pays more. Not much, sure, but better than a lot of other boring ones. Besides, my dad was so proud when I told him.” 

“So what, you don’t believe in all of that save humanity’s bullshit? You’re just here because of the money?” Levi could think about one job or two that pays much more, not boring at all, but then again she’s just an innocent child to him and he wouldn’t want her to have his kind of life, although he was much younger when he’d begun. 

“No. I’m here to support my family but I also believe in what you call bullshit. Don’t you believe it?” 

“I don’t have to. Don’t you remember? I’m here because I’m a criminal. It’s either this or prison, and I’d rather kill titans.” 

“How can you not think that it’s right if we try and fight to gain freedom for everyone? Do you really like being caged behind the walls? I hate it.”

“I never said it wasn’t right. I just don’t care.” He hesitates. “Not unless we can leave out all the rich, the nobles and the shitheads behind if and when we finally retake our ‘freedom’. Then I might think about it.” 

“You have a point there.” She smirks at him. 

“You really love your family, don’t you?” Levi asks, curious but also completely serious. 

“Yeah, they’re the best. I have three little brothers and one older sister, my mom is such a strong lady and my dad is the sweetest man. Yes, sure, sometimes there is a bit of trouble at home but everything’s always been good. I love them a lot, yes.” 

Levi feels like smiling again, oddly touched by that demonstration of affection. It’s great that she has a good family to rely on, she’s a good kid. Of course, he’s too proud and socially awkward to tell her that.

“Do you have any family?” She asks, and that hurts. 

“No.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Levi doesn’t like to talk about it. By now he barely remembers he even had a mother for the first few years of his life, he only remembers Isabel and Farlan, but they  are long gone. 

“Have you always been alone?” 

“How do you know I’m alone now?” 

She raises her eyebrows. “Well, don’t tell me you have a pretty wife hidden somewhere because no one would believe that.”

Levi blushes at that. What the fuck? A pretty wife? “Fair enough.” 

“So? You might not have family but what about friends?” It’s obvious she wants to ask more but Levi appreciates her trying to contain herself.

“I don’t… do friends.” 

“Ehy! Then what am I?” 

“...” Levi frowns. “Are we friends?” 

“Duh! Unless you’re still mad at me.” 

He thinks about it, and shrugs. “No. Not really. Just don’t do it again.”

“Cool. Now, I was actually talking about friends you must have had once, not about now.” 

“I used to have friends…” 

“And? Was it Erwin?” Now she’s going where she’s not supposed to go.

“Yeah. Him, too.” 

“You had other friends?” 

“Yes.”

“And? When was this?”

“Why do you care so much?”

“Huh? Well, I thought we were sharing stuff. It’s not like I’m asking you to tell me everything about your life… I’m just curious.” She smiles gently and he sighs. 

“I stopped having friends before I even turned ten.”

“Really? Oh… wait a second, you’re telling me you knew Erwin as a little kid?” She sounds so surprised. 

“Yeah.” 

“And what about the others?” 

“They died.” _ He killed them.  _

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry… Then... how was  _ he  _ like?!” She says, not staying too much on the subject. Levi’s thankful.

“Pretty much the same, except he used to smile all the time and was a bit more annoying.” 

“Erwin smiling? I mean, yes, he does that sometimes but it’s always because he has to be polite with us. That’s nice! Was he always so handsome?” She says as her eyes travel around the room to end up on Erwin’s back, she smiles as if she was dreaming. 

Levi chokes on his food, coughing before answering. “What?”

“Oh, come on, you must have noticed too! He’s really something.” She sighs happily, and then goes back to look at him. Levi, whose eyes are still wide open as he tries to hide the fact that yes, he has noticed and no, he doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He says, finally looking away. He sees her raising her eyebrows up and smiling a cocky smirk. 

“Sure, baby. You still haven’t answered me, though.” 

“Answered what?” He says, with too much rush. Shit. 

“If he always looked like this?” 

“Yes. No, I mean. No-” Levi coughs, going back to his usual self. “No, he wasn’t. He was very skinny and pretty weak, and his face didn’t look like that. I always thought he had a weird face…” 

“A weird face? Seriously?” She laughs. “Are you telling me he was an ugly child?” 

“What do I know?” Levi shrugs, clicking his tongue and trying not to think whether he finds the man to be attractive or not. That’s not his problem.

“Fine, fine. I’ll stop, but damn, I can’t believe it! Puberty never did such a favor to me!” She finishes in a giggle and Levi frowns. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean I never turned that beautiful but then again I still need to grow up. You and Erwin are so lucky.” 

“If you’re calling yourself ugly I can assure you that’s just bullshit. There are men out there who would die to spend a night with someone like you and trust me I kn-” Fuck. Maybe he’s saying a bit too much. He stops changing the subject immediately. “And what do you mean I’m lucky?” 

She widens her eyes and grins as she takes the half compliment, and then replies. “I suppose you’ve never looked at yourself in a mirror then.” 

“I-” Well, that’s not so much far away from the truth. “Goddamn it, kid, why do you even care about these things?” He feels so stupid talking about it. 

“Ah! I don’t care! But sometimes I’m a girl too, you know.” She chuckles and drinks from her glass silently. Levi wonders what that’s supposed to mean but leaves it alone. 

“So!” She says loudly all of a sudden, almost startling Levi. 

“What?”

“You’re free to help me with training later?” She grins, hope and energy sparkling in her eyes. 

“Sure. Why not?” 

 

***

 

The next morning, after having spent the whole afternoon the day before with Aryaa, having Erwin’s okay, Levi finds himself in the usual office once again because he’s still not free to go wherever he wants. He still needs to be controlled.

When he steps in, unusually, Erwin is already there. Levi’s not sure whether he’s early or late but none of them mentions it, and he’s fine with it. He spends the first twenty minutes sitting on the couch with his legs crossed and his arms spread at his sides, listening to the sound of the rain outside, until he gets too bored and starts pacing around the room. Erwin only raises his gaze once, and then goes back to work.

It’s hard to find something to do, until Levi starts pacing next to the bookcase and rubs his finger on a shelf. When he looks down at it it’s dark grey and the dust he’s just raised almost makes him cough. 

“What is it?” Erwin asks at the muffled sound, even though he doesn’t lift his head and he keeps writing. 

“This place is filthy as fuck. Don’t you ever clean in here?” Levi says orrified, turning around as he grimaces. 

At that, Erwin does raise his head and looks at him with a worried, self-justifying frown. “Well, not really.” 

“You don’t say. No wonder I can’t ever breathe right if the window is closed.”

“I thought that was because you don’t like closed spaces.” 

“Yeah, that and dirt.” 

“I’m… sorry?” Erwin draws his thick eyebrows together, not knowing how to fix this. Oh, but Levi knows. 

“Will you let me out of your sight for a few minutes? I promise I’m coming back and I won’t be punching anyone in the way.” 

Erwin hesitates, but Levi sounds honest and he actually is for once. “Fine. Just don’t stay away too long.” 

“Good.” 

After several minutes spent going around camp Levi finally comes back. He opens the door with a kick, his hands being occupied, and sees the amused surprise in Erwin’s face when he looks up after he enters the office. 

“What? Never seen a mop and a bucket before?” Levi says, his voice deaden by the white clean cloth tied around his head to cover his mouth and nose, as he puts the bucket down and takes another piece of cloth from inside it. 

“Are you really going to do this?” Erwin asks, mildly concerned as he sees how determined Levi actually is. 

“Of course. Besides, I’m so bored I might go out of my mind.”  _ Or maybe I just really hate dirt, what do you care?  _ Levi thinks, insulted by Erwin’s comment. 

“Fine by me. Just don’t touch the desk.” Erwin says and continues to do whatever he always does. 

After that Levi starts dusting the bookcase, taking every book off and then replace it exactly where he found it after cleaning every shelf with perfectly. At one point he needs to go outside to find a chair because he can’t reach too high, and that makes Erwin giggle a bit, after which Levi looks at him like he could kill him right there and then and the other shuts up. Going up and down, rubbing hard in the worst, dirtiest hidden places, Levi spends two whole hours busy with the cleaning. 

Two hours during which he feels Erwin’s stare on him more than once. It sure makes him uncomfortable but he doesn’t say anything, also weirdly enjoying the attention he gives him, which is absurd. Once he finishes with the bookcase he moves to the floor, and Erwin keeps glancing at him, sometimes lingering more than he should. 

Levi doesn’t know what’s so fascinating about that, but eventually he snaps, as he’s still kneeling on the floor rubbing at old stains that will probably never leave. “Can you stop?”

“Um?” Erwin says, pretending to be as innocent as ever. 

“Stop staring at me. It’s annoying.” 

Erwin doesn’t reply, but gives him a light smile that Levi only sees with the corner of his eye. He shakes his head and continues working at the old floor. Eventually, after another long but pleasant hour, Levi is finally done. 

He puts the cloth off his mouth, leaving it loosen around his cravat, and slumps on the couch after he puts the mop away in one corner. When he hears Erwin gasps lightly he turns his head around and looks at him, having almost forgotten about him since he had stopped staring at him after he’d told him to. 

“What?” 

“Nothing, it’s just that it doesn’t even look like the same room anymore... I’m glad to know you have another talent besides-” Erwin interrupts himself. 

“Besides killing?” 

“I was going to say besides being a criminal and slaying titans, but yes, that too.” Erwin gives him an apologetic smile. “I’ve always noticed how you liked things to be clean, though. I still remember the first time I showed you what soap could do.” A light chuckle leaves his mouth but Levi doesn’t laugh.

He remembers far too well what had happened later on that same day. 

“Whatever. This room needed to be cleaned anyway.” 

“Surely, I believe you.” Erwin smiles again, keeping his eyes fixed on Levi. “I liked the outfit.” 

Levi frowns, looking down at his rolled-up sleeves and touching the cloth around his neck before slowly removing it and playing with it in his hands. He clicks his tongue, rolling his eyes, as he thinks Erwin is probably making fun of him. Either that, or he can’t possibly be serious. Can he? 

Shit, what is even going on? Damn Aryaa and the things she said about Erwin being handsome. Why would Levi care? Why would he care if he thinks the same about him? That is so, so stupid.  _ “You’re beautiful.”  _ He still remembers those words, though. What the hell did they mean? 

“You’re the one to talk.” 

“I’m sorry?” Erwin asks, not understanding. 

“You and your bolo tie are both ridiculous.” Levi snaps quickly, looking away from him.

“My-” Erwin repeats, touching the object in resting in the middle of his chest. “It was my father’s.” He says, and fuck, Levi shouldn’t have said that. 

Levi thinks about apologizing, but that’s not what he does. Not how he deals with things. “Still ugly and completely useless.” What is he? A five year old child? Levi wants to slap himself.  

“I see,” Erwin starts, his tone soft but sad. “but I’m afraid I won’t stop wearing it simply because you find it ugly.” 

“Do what the hell you want, it’s not like I actually care.” 

“Right.” 

Luckily for both of them lunch doesn’t make them way too long, breaking the tense awkwardness. As soon as Levi can step out of the office he runs away quickly and doesn’t see him all day until late in the evening, having spent the rest of the time with Aryaa. For once he’s really thankful for her existence. Another great way to avoid Erwin.

 

***

 

“Wake up wake up wake uuuup!” 

A loud and insistent knock comes from the door and Levi, who for once was actually sleeping, groans annoyedly at the sound. 

“Go away.” He mutters under his breath when the girl at the other side keeps yelling. It’s supposed to be their only free day and she really wants to piss him off already? Levi wonders if that girl’s energy ever wears off. It probably doesn’t. 

“Come on, baby! Just get your ass off that comfy bed and come outside!” 

Levi groans again, finally getting up and stretching his arms and back. “What time is it?” He speaks loudly enough for Aryaa to hear him. 

“Huh? Like five in the morning or something, come on! Since when do you care about the time? Honestly, since when do you even sleep?”   

He hears her laughing and rolls his eyes. Sometimes, he needs rest too. His body might be especially strong and it might have the power to heal incredibly fast but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need sleep. However, it’s not like it matters anymore, she’s making far too much noise not to wake up completely.

“Come on, come on, come on! I’m waiting!” 

At that Levi loses his patience. With nothing but his underwear and a white shirt on he opens the door in an annoyed jerk and shuts her up. “Goddamn it will you give me at least two minutes?” 

“Oh, finally!” She grins down at him. 

Too bad she’s been talking a bit too loud and at the same exact moment Erwin’s door, next to Levi’s room, opens. “What’s going on?” 

Erwin steps out of his quarters, already dressed up for the day, but with his shirt still unbuttoned and a towel around his neck, and frowns at the both of them as soon as he sees them. Levi mouth closes immediately when he sees him and Aryaa’s usual confident grin fails her as her eyes widen.

Then, she remembers who she’s in front of and salutes Erwin properly, looking completely ridiculous. Levi doesn’t even bother with that, and almost smiles at her reaction.  _ That’s what you get for waking me up, _ he thinks. 

“Nothing, sir! I just wanted to train with Levi, but he wasn’t coming out of his room. I’m sorry if I bothered you, sir.” 

“I wasn’t what? I just woke up, for fuck’s sake…” Levi complains to himself, looking down at the floor and suddenly realizing that he’s not wearing any trousers. Well, whatever, it’s not like he has ever cared for modesty. 

Erwin looks at him after Aryaa’s words, an eyebrow raised up and his eyes studying Levi for a long second. Then, when he seems satisfied with whatever he was looking for, he turns his gaze to the girl and nods, giving her a light smile. 

“It’s fine. Just keep it down next time.”

“Yes, sir!” 

“Please, there’s no need to call me that at five in the morning when there’s no one around.” Erwin says to her with a kind voice, another smile. 

“Oh, okay, s-” She almost says it again and Levi shakes his head slightly, looking up in exasperation. What’s these brats problem always having to boost their superiors’ ego? 

At that, all three of them fall into silence and suddenly awful awkwardness fills the space among them. Aryaa bites her lip, Erwin stares at Levi again and Levi just- 

“Are we done here?” He says, eventually. 

“Yes, of course. Well, enjoy your training.” Erwin replies, nodding and smiling slightly again, before he steps back into his room without even letting them the time to answer. Good. Levi wouldn’t know what to say anyway. 

“Damn it, that was embarrassing.” Aryaa whispers so that Erwin can’t hear her and chuckles as she looks at Levi’s impassive face. 

“Not my fault.” 

“I’ve never seen him shirtless!” She whispers excitedly again. “I mean, that wasn’t exactly shirtless but that’s more than anyone can hope to get with him, right?” 

Her amused giggle makes Levi bring his hand to palm his face as he wonders what he has done wrong to deserve that, before he shakes his head again and tries not to think about it. Think about what? Her being stupidly childish or Erwin’s almost naked torso? Fuck if he knows. What a great way to start his day. 

“Just wait here.” 

He says, slamming his door and leaving her out of his room for a couple of minutes in which he manages to shave quickly and wears some actual clothes. When he comes out he finds her outside, leaning over the wall, with a smile on her face and her green eyes full of life looking at him in enthusiasm. At least she’s silent.

“Let’s go, then.” Levi says and she follows him like a loyal, excited puppy until they are out in the field ready to go for the usual jog and warming-up before beginning to train properly.

After they’re done with it and the sun is finally up, granting them some warm light, they grab their gears and then head for the small forest where they can practice with the fake titans. Hand-to-hand combat left for later. 

Levi doesn’t mind this. Yes, he’s not really an amazing teacher but he manages to keep his patience in control with Aryaa, especially since she seems to turn serious every time they do this and all of her childishness leaves only to be replaced with determination and resolution. She doesn’t talk much, she listens and she tries to do whatever Levi tells her to. He has no idea why she wants to become stronger, or strong like him, or whatever she thinks they’re doing out there but she’s a good student and might need some advice here and there. However, Levi has already noticed how she’s much better than most of the soldiers he’s seen by now. 

After almost two hours of flying around and trying to hit wooden titans’ necks Aryaa eventually crashes to the ground exhausted, lying down with her legs and arms spread out and an irritated grimace on her face.

“Damn it!” She complains loudly, looking up at Levi from where she’s resting. 

“I don’t know why you want to keep trying, you’re not doing anything wrong.” Levi shrugs, sitting down next to her.

“I’m too slow.” She grunts, turning her head to the side to keep looking at him. 

“That’s because you’re too tense.”

“See! Then I am doing something wrong!” 

Levi sighs. “That’s just a tiny thing. I think you’re good at this.” 

“So easy to believe you when you say with so much enthusiasm...” She says with sarcasm, after Levi’s lifeless words. He was actually being honest, though, it’s just come out wrong. 

“I’m not lying.” 

“You’re saying that only to make me feel better.”

Levi scoffs at that. “I don’t think I’ve ever said one thing in my life only to make someone feel better.”

“Are you serious? I mean, do you really think I’m good?”

“Yes.”

“But I’m still too tense.” 

“Also, yes. But you can work on it… besides, I’m not even sure what you’re trying to accomplish here.” 

“Isn’t that obvious? I want to know how to use this infernal gear like you do! I want to roll in the air and be as strong, and cool, as you are.” 

“That’s absurd. And stupid.”

“What? Stupid, why?”

“Because you don’t need to be like me to be good at this. And comparing is stupid. And useless.” Levi replies, the tone of his voice still calm and serious.

“Sure,  _ mom _ .” She mocks him, emphasizing the last word and making Levi rolls his eyes so much they could fall off.

“How did you even learn, by the way? Where did you find a gear? Because I’m guessing you were able to do this before coming here.”

“I’d stolen one.” 

“Oh, of course you had.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing, just… well, you were a thief for something, weren't you? I think that’s really cool.”  

“You think being a criminal is cool?” She’s got some problems. 

“No! Well, yes, but I mean I was talking about the gear.” 

“Whatever, kid.” 

“So?” She pries, touching his side with her reaching out hand and poking at him until he moves slightly away and slaps her hand away. 

“So what?” He asks, glad her hand isn’t bothering him anymore. 

“So how did you learn? When? I want to know!” 

“You always do.” 

“Is that so wrong?” 

“Yes.”

“Oh, come on! Come on tell me!”

“Or what?” 

“Or…” She seems to think about it. “Or I’ll tell Erwin how you really feel about him!”

His eyes widen in immediate shock, but then they narrow, squinting down at her. “And how do I even feel about him? What the hell do you know about that?” 

“I know more than you think.” She chuckles, and Levi is actually scared she does. But she couldn’t. She’s not inside his head… is he that obvious? Wait. What the fuck is he saying? He doesn’t feel anything, period. She’s just playing with him, or at least he hopes she is.

“I could break your neck in less than three seconds.” Levi says, firm and cold and Aryaa gulps. 

“Still want to tell him how ‘I feel about him’?” 

“...” She thinks about it. “No. Not really. But I still want to know about the gear! Come on, what does it cost you to tell me?” 

Levi sighs deeply again and gives in, because there’s no point in trying to avoid answering a question with her. “I was seventeen, I think. I saw some young idiots from the Corps using it and thought it could turn out to be useful, so I stole one. After that I observed them for a while, got the big idea and started using it. It came pretty natural to me and believe what you want but there’s no big story behind this. I never had to practice much or whatever... I just knew how to use it.” 

“Wow! You’re so lucky, damn it.” 

“If you say so.” Yeah, sure, lucky…

“There’s something that doesn’t make much sense, though.”

“What?”

“You said that you thought it could turn out to be useful, but that doesn’t make any sense if you were just going to use it in the city. I mean, you could use it there, I’m not saying that, but people sure notice if someone flies around and you’re famous for being pretty much invisible, so…”

“So that’s none of your business.” Levi feels like he keeps repeating these words over and over with her. “I’m not telling you anything else, I already said too much.” 

“Pft, why do you have to be all secret like? It’s fine to know!” 

“It’s not for me.” Levi stands up, reaching his hand out for her to use it and get up. “Now, do you wanna keep training or do you want to keep talking?” 

She takes his hand and stands up tall next to him. She grins her beautiful smile, ready and shining as always. 

“Let’s do this one more time.”

 

***

 

The anxiety, the rush grows with precious time as Levi finds himself in Erwin’s office earlier one rainy morning, trying to go through every piece of paper he can find on the squad leader’s desk. The sound of the rain outside distracts him from his task, because any drop falling too hard on the windowsill confuses him and makes his head jerk towards the closed door. It’s not like he’s never done this, he’s gone through Erwin’s desk plenty of times, but now he’s actually sure he wants to find the goddamn documents, no matter what.

Levi has realized that he’s been spending way too much time either with Aryaa or doing nothing with Erwin, completely putting aside his actual job, and it must come to an end. He’s getting attached. To the girl, to the place, to the calm of his new life, to Erwin, to the soldiers too. That’s not how it’s supposed to go, whether they all know he’s Wraith or not. It’s been too long. 

There’s only one problem: Levi can’t read. All this time he’s been trying to find the papers following… what? His instinct? No. He had tried to learn to recognize the words, the characters he would have needed to spot the documents among others, before coming here but this is harder than he first planned. They all look the same to him now, fuck. Fuck! He should have studied more, or maybe he just shouldn’t have waited so long. Maybe the documents are just not there and that’s why he doesn’t recognize any of those words, letters, whatever they are. Maybe Levi should have told Lobov about this. Fuck- 

The door opens. 

Levi freezes, his hands holding something that looks like a journal, taken from the mess on the desk, and his heart stops. 

“What are you doing?” Erwin steps in carefully, slowly closing the door behind him, and looks at him critically. 

Levi drops the notebook. 

“Nothing.”  _ Nothing? Really? That’s not suspicious at all, well done, you idiot.  _ Levi curses himself, wondering where all his thief abilities have disappeared. 

“That,” Erwin says, pointing at the desk and stepping forward. “doesn’t look like nothing, Levi.” 

“I was bored.” Levi adds quickly. “I had nothing to do, you weren’t here already, and I thought I could clean the dirt from the desk while waiting.” He shrugs casually, hoping that sounds honest enough.

Erwin raises his thick eyebrows in doubt and gets closer, while Levi’s chest feels like it’s going to cringe in itself. “Really?”

“I like clean things.”

“You do. But I’ve also told you that you could do whatever you wanted with this room ,except for touching the desk.” 

“Have you?”

“Yes, Levi.”

“I must have forgotten.” Levi says with another fake-casual shrug, stepping away from the desk, keeping his eyes locked with Erwin’s.

Erwin follows him as he moves, narrowing his eyes and looking as if he’s thinking deeply. 

“Are you sure you weren’t looking for something?” 

His heart skips a bit. “No. It would be useless anyway. I just wanted to clean this mess up, do you even know how filthy is that thing? I don’t even understand how you manage to work on it knowing that.” 

“I assure you that’s not a problem.” Erwin smirks, still sceptical. “What do you mean useless?” 

“I mean it wouldn’t make any sense for me to find something to do with this stuff since I…” For some reason, Levi doesn’t want to say why. 

“Since you?” Erwin stares a little longer, until he seems to understand and his expression changes into one of mild surprise, and what looks like relief. “Oh. You can’t read, am I right?” 

“It’s not that big of a deal. Whatever, I’ll just sit on the couch as I always do and wait for you to finish.” Levi says, finally pacing towards the sofa, still looking at Erwin.

“You never learned how to properly read all these years?” Erwin asks, genuinely curious, dropping his suspicion. 

“No. I only remember some stuff from when you used to read to me and tried to teach me more, but it’s been definitely too long. So what? Am I enough of an ignorant idiot for you now?”

“Why do you always have to put words in my mouth that I don’t even think?” 

“Sure.” Levi says sarcastically, rolling his eyes and trying not to think about how it would hurt in case Erwin actually thinks that. 

“Stop.” Erwin orders. 

“What do you want?” Levi frowns. Fuck. Is this it? He has no idea.

“You want to stop being bored while you stay here, right?”

“Well, that would be great, but I don’t think you can solve the problem.” 

“I think I can.” Erwin’s smirk grows a little wider, a spark flashing behind his eyes for a second.

“What the hell do you mean?”

“Let’s make a deal.” He starts. “I’m going to teach you how to read and write. For real, this time, so that you can’t forget it.”

“And? What’s in it for you?” 

“Once you learn, you are going to help me here.”

“Are you telling me that you want me to learn how to read and write only for me to become your little assistant?” Levi scoffs, shaking his head and smiling an insulted smile. “What? Are you going to feed me a biscuit every time I get a word right like when we were kids?” 

At that, surprisingly, Erwin lets out a light and brief chuckle. “No, of course not. Besides, no one here can bake cookies like my old neighbor, and I’m afraid she passed away a long time ago.” Is he joking? Who care about biscuits? “But I can come up with a reward, if it would make you more interested in this.” 

Levi tilts his head, black hair sliding away from his face softly. “What kind of reward?”

Erwin seems to hesitate. “Free passes, to go outside camp without me or anyone else for an entire day. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like bullshit. Why would you grant me that after you’ve kept telling me for months to stay as close as you or this place as possible?”

“Because now I believe that you won’t actually look for trouble. Unless you want to, but what reason could you have? I simply don’t want you to feel like a prisoner here.”

“The fact alone that I should work for going outside makes me feel like a prisoner, genius.” 

“Right. Well, it’s your choice.” Erwin states eventually, looking away from Levi and finally letting him sit down. 

Levi hesitates, too, but then he thinks about it and Erwin has just given him a way to actually get to those damn documents. If he learns how to read, at least, he will be able to recognize them and steal them and- 

He shakes his head slightly, without making Erwin notice, as he tries to push the rest of the plan away. Why can’t Lobov just be fine with the documents? Why does he want Erwin dead, anyway? 

He wanted him dead, too. 

Wanted?

Shit.  _ Wants _ . He wants him dead. He wants to kill him. He does, he does, he has to.

Whatever, that moment is still far enough from where he stands right now. He can deal with it later, he can be a murderer another day. 

“Fine, then. Teach me.” Levi says, and Erwin smiles. It will be just like learning how to talk all over again, only this time every word will be silent, or as loud as the sound of a pen sliding on paper.

 

***

 

The next day is a special day, but Levi had no idea. When he goes looking for Aryaa in the morning he finds her in the dining room surrounded by happy and cheering people. What’s going on? Levi gets closer, because he’s both curious and pissed that she’s drawing so much attention on herself, don’t ask him why. As he steps into the loud group, making his way through them to get to Aryaa, people start staring at him and eventually everyone shuts up. He finds himself in front of the girl, who’s grinning widely and finally seems to notice the silence and him. 

“Levi!” She yells excitedly, her eyes squinted in a big smile. 

“What is he doing here?” One of the boy there whispers, but before Levi can say anything Aryaa is already standing up with her expression changing from joyful to defensive. 

“He’s here because he’s my friend, if you have a problem with it you can go away.” 

Levi frowns, confused because he still has no idea why are those people there, but he’s used to the constant rejection and so he just shrugs. 

“It’s fine. I’ll talk to you later.” He says calmly as he’s about to turn around. 

“No, wait!” Aryaa says, finishing with an annoyed groan. “Wait, Levi, you don’t have to go.” 

Levi looks at her, he believes her. Then he looks at everyone else and he knows it’s better if he does leave.  

“It’s not like I have anything to say or do here.” He shrugs again, completely unreadable. 

“But that’s where you’re wrong!” Aryaa tells him with another shining grin and Levi’s eyebrows raise up. “You have to celebrate with me!”

“Celebrate…” Levi thinks, wonders if she’s gotten some kind of promotion or whatever. “Celebrate what, exactly?”

“My birthday, of course!” Oh, now it all makes sense. The people and the excitement. Levi had no idea she has so many friends, he’s impressed. “Come on baby, sit down next to me.” 

Levi grimacing as she calls her that in front of everyone else, which grants him a few confused or amused looks, but he does as he’s been told because there’s no point in arguing. Besides, he doesn’t want to make her sad, not today at least. Not when the alternative would be listening to her complaining for days if not weeks. 

When he sits down she stares at him, with an idiotic smile and hopeful smile. 

“What?” He says, confused because he’s done what she wanted. Everyone else still looking at them.

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” She swings and waits as he tries to understand what she means. Ah. 

“Happy birthday.” He says without much enthusiasm, but it seems to be enough for her who suddenly laughs and hugs him really tight from their uncomfortable sitting position, squeezing too hard. Levi coughs and probably blushes, he’s not sure, as he doesn’t even have the time to hug her back. He doesn’t even know if he’s still able to hug someone back.

When she breaks away from him the light in her eyes is so honest and grateful that Levi doesn’t know what to say, or where to look.  _ This kid is incredible and she doesn’t even do it on purpose _ , he thinks surprised by his own thought. 

“Thank you.” She says, with a small but true smile. 

“Yes, okay, whatever.” He rolls his eyes and she laughs. 

Eventually Aryaa goes back to talk with everybody else and no one seems to notice Levi next to her. He doesn’t talk, barely listens, and Aryaa has the good sense not to engage him in any conversation possibly because she knows it wouldn’t take them anywhere. Apparently being nineteen is great, she’s growing up and one year more when you are part of the Survey Corps is always supposed to be celebrated as the last one ever. Levi doesn’t mind as they spend the next hour among all those people and he wonders whether that’s because of her presence or because he’s just gotten used to it by now. 

Once everyone finally goes back to their duties Levi and Aryaa are left alone, heading for the outside field too. 

“Well?” She begins, looking down at him. 

“Well what?”

“That wasn’t so bad.” 

“I guess.” 

She giggles. “You owe me now.” 

“What? Owe you for what?” 

“Make you socialize a little?” She tries, sounding more as if she was asking herself a question and not him. 

“That wasn’t socializing. If you haven’t noticed I haven’t said a word.” 

“That’s your fault only! And you owe me anyway.” 

Levi sighs, already giving up. “What do you want in return? I don’t like owing people anything.”

“You owe me a gift, of course, it is my birthday for something.” 

Levi shakes his head hopelessly. “You just wanted to ask me for a gift, didn’t you?” 

“Maybe.” She sticks her tongue out and goes on. “So! What’s your gift?” 

“How am I supposed to know? I’ve only just found out an hour ago. I’m not even good with gifts anyway, I don’t do gifts.” He remembers the doll he had made for Erwin… 

“Yeah, yeah. You don’t do friends, you don’t do smiles and you don’t do gifts too. We all get it. You’re a stubborn, violent bastard who doesn’t talk to anyone, that’s great. Now, shall I help you decide what to get me?” 

“You’re impossible.”

“That’s why you love me, baby.” She winks at him and he wants to bury himself alive somewhere far away. Why is she like this? But then again, she’s right, he does like her, god knows why or how.

“What do you want?” Levi asks eventually, willing to at least listen because he has nothing better to do anyway. 

“Mmh, well, there’s nothing I actually want…. Wait, let me think.” 

“Are you kidding me? Even you don’t know it.” 

“That’s because it’s other people who are supposed to think about it!” She complains. “Ah! I know what I can ask you.” 

“What is it?” 

“You could tell me about your past.” 

Levi frowns, thinks about it and decides. “Absolutely not. Don’t use your curiosity against me.” 

“But why not! You keep saying no and no and no, it’s so boring.”

“No.” 

“Something little! Anything really! No, wait, not anything. Let’s say three things. You have to tell me, or do, whatever, three things. Nothing much, but you have to!” 

“Do I?”

“Yes! Duh, remember? It’s my birthday.” 

“This sounds bad already .” Levi says as the both finally start their morning run. 

“I’ll go easy on you I swear.” 

“Tch, fine. But after lunch, not now during practice.”

“Done!” 

They train for a couple of hours, Levi still trying to teach her as best as he can what he knows that could help her, and eventually they head for the dining hall. He sits and eats with her, finding that Erwin doesn’t seem to mind, or at least he doesn’t say, and time passes as usual. After they’re done with both, though, she doesn’t forget and Levi is forced to keep his word. 

“Okay, so, I thought about the first thing.” She starts with a cunning smile, Levi is already worried. 

“What is it?”

“I want to see your room.”  

“My room? For what?”

“You don’t get to ask that, you only have to either accept or answer.” 

Levi thinks about it and then shrugs. “Fine. My room is empty anyway, there’s nothing there.” 

“Lead the way then.” She says with a victory smile. 

Once they get there she seems to understand what Levi meant with empty. His room is literally just a hole with a bed, a small closet, a little table where he keeps his things like Kenny’s knife and a razor, and an insignificant but still useful sink which gives him water whenever he needs it. Aryaa looks definitely disappointed and Levi wasn’t expecting anything more, until he hears her making a satisfied noise as she’s looking through his stuff in the closet.

“What is it?”

“This little thing was buried under all of your… three outfits,” She giggles proudly, making Erwin’s watch swinging in front of Levi’s face. “I bet it means something or you wouldn’t keep it hidden!” 

Levi groans, taking his eyes off the watch almost immediately, remembering how he had decided not to wear that ever again. “Is that your second question?” 

“Mh, might as well be. So what’s the story behind this watch?”

Levi wonders how much he should tell her. Should he tell her about that snowy day in the forest when Erwin had explained to him how minutes and seconds worked, when he had put the watch around his wrist and had seen his scars for the first time? Should he tell her how that was one of the first times anyone had touched him so carefully? Should he tell how scared had he been and how after he had never let go of that watch ever again, not until a few months ago? Levi shakes his head, stopping the memories. 

“Erwin gave it to me.” That’s his only answer, and he hopes she won’t ask more. But of course that’s not going to happen. 

“Seriously? When?” 

“That’s another question.” 

“What! No it’s not! You didn’t tell me anything at all, that’s unfair.”

Levi inhales deeply, falling right into her puppy eyes’ trap, and sighs. “He gave it to me when we were kids, that’s really all that is.” 

“Damn it, I’m so curious to know about  _ that  _ story!” 

“I’m not telling you even if you ask about it now. It’s too long and it doesn’t matter anymore.” Levi says before she can even try. He sees her rolling her eyes and grimacing down at him. 

“You’re no fun at all.” She says and Levi snatches the watch from her hand and puts it away, safe where he knows he can always find it. 

“Poor you.” 

“I’m not going to ask then, fine. You win.” She complains and Levi hides a smile. 

“Good, can we get out now?”

“Nope, I still have a third request.” 

“Just ask.” He says, almost in a hurry and he doesn’t know why. The watch has made him nervous. 

“You totally owe me a secret handshake by now.” She says in an absurdly wide grin. 

“A what?”

“A secret handshake! You know, something no one knows besides us.” 

“I thought you had turned nineteen today, not twelve.” 

“You’re the one who always calls me kid. Come on, it’s fun! I used to do it with my best friend once. It doesn’t have to be complicated, look.” 

She doesn’t let him answer that she’s already taken his arm to make their hands slap flatly once, then bump in a closed fist that she forces on his hand and eventually finishing with elbow against elbow. Levi blinks once, twice, as soon as she’s done with it. 

“What the hell was that?”

“Our secret handshake, dumbass!” 

He frowns, looking at her as if she was completely crazy. “No. No way I’m doing that, ever. Especially in public, you can forget it. That’s so stupid.” 

Aryaa just laughs at that, and Levi is only more confused, even though her laughter is contagious. “What?” 

“Nothing, I just knew you would have said that. But you know what? Maybe not today, but sooner or later I’ll convince you!” She chirps, finally leading them both out of Levi’s room as he wonders if she’s serious. 

“Sure, kid.” He mutters under his breath as he follows her perplexed. 

 

***

 

That same night Levi finds out that Erwin is going to be busier from now on, with the next expedition approaching, and that he won’t have the time to give him lessons on reading or writing during the day. Of course that doesn’t mean Erwin isn’t going to do it anyway, because a deal is a deal and he has promised Levi. As if any of his promises could count, but Levi lets him. 

They decide to dedicate one, maybe two hours at night to the teaching after Erwin is done with work and practice. Levi tells him that’s stupid, because he knows how tired the other is at that point, but Erwin insists and Levi doesn’t actually care. His choice, his life, whatever. What Levi cares about, or rather what annoys him the most, is the moment he notices how close the two of them have to be during these few hours in order for him to learn. Erwin usually makes him sit on a chair right next to him, their arms almost always brushing against each other, and their faces closer than Levi is used to. 

But Levi pushes it down. He has to. 

And so Erwin brings him several books which he claims are easy, but that for Levi only look like gibberish, and starts teaching him the same way his father had taught him, or so he says. Levi doesn’t understand why it has to be so hard, why some words seem so complicated while others are even too easy. Letter by letter he manages to learn the alphabet, adding whatever he didn’t remember from all those years ago or what he didn’t know already, and Erwin manages to be patient as always.  

Levi has no idea how it is for Erwin, because he shows no sign of discomfort or any other emotion except for calm while he’s there with him, but he keeps thinking how weird it is to have him teaching him things somewhere that isn’t the forest, their glade. No trees, no nature, no air except for the fresh one coming from the window. No sun, just the light of a few candles. There is no thrilled waiting before it and no big satisfaction after, but still, it makes Levi feel unusually nervous and at the same time just as excited as he would have been once. 

Everything is different, but inside Levi it’s all the same, and he hates it. He doesn’t need to dig in into useless memories right now, doesn’t need to remember how good it had been to be friends peacefully. 

Damn it. 

More than anything he hates how Erwin, now that he’s all grown up and doesn’t have his childish pride anymore, seems to be even kinder with him. He hates how he quietly waits for Levi to get a letter or a word right, he hates how he corrects him without getting mad, he hates how he helps when he needs it and how he, instead, doesn’t say anything until Levi gets it right because he knows he can do it. He hates when he tells him that, that he knows Levi knows. Fuck him, what does he know? 

He hates how everything he says or does that’s supposed to make him feel calmer, makes him upset, angry. He hates how tired Erwin looks late at night but doesn’t want to stop anyway, he hates his glasses and the blue of his eyes shining gently in the dim light. He hates the way he tilts his head, the color of his blond short hair and the soft smiles he gives him every now and then when he’s too focused on his face to concentrate on the written words. 

He hates to be so closed to him, feeling the warmth of his body invading his personal space. He hates to remember him as a child and comparing him to the strong man he is now. He hates everything about these goddamn lessons, but as the days go by none of them stop and Levi learns more than he thought he could. 

Levi barely notices, but eventually the lessons become an important part of his day, one he finds himself waiting for despite his feelings. He starts feeling more comfortable around Erwin, he practices reading while Erwin is working, and doesn’t mind when he needs to sit right next to him because he’s actually eager to learn more. Erwin seems proud, but he never says it. Levi is still on a very basic level, but he’s making progress quickly, just as he had with the speaking once, and he’s planning to use that as a distraction from everything else as much as he can. 

One night, while he’s waiting for Erwin to finish, Levi takes his shoes off, sits on the sofa with his legs crossed, and starts reading as usual. It’s nothing complicated but he finds himself completely concentrated on his task, until Erwin gently calls his name. 

“Levi.” 

“Yeah?” Levi replies with his eyes still fixed on the words under him. 

“I believe I am done with work, now.” 

“Oh, alright. Okay.” Levi says, closing his book, too tired to care that he’s just sounded far too friendly. He paces towards Erwin, grabbing his chair on his way to the desk, and stops in front of him with a frowning expression when he sees him looking down at his feet and smiling. 

“What?”

“What happened to your shoes?”

“I took them off.” Levi shrugs and Erwin raises his head up to look at him, smile still there. 

“That’s a first.” He seems to remember something. Something that Levi knows because he, too, is remembering about the first time they met, when Erwin had taken his own shoes off to make Levi feel more comfortable. “Here, at least.” 

“I never liked shoes.” He says with another shrug. 

“I remember about that. But I thought that wasn’t a problem anymore since I usually see you wearing them at all times.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I guess I just feel a bit more comfortable now.” Levi rolls his eyes when the silence between them gets too embarrassing. “God, I just felt like taking my shoes off, why do you have to make such a big deal out of it?”

Erwin chuckles lightly. “I wasn’t.”

“Whatever.” Levi says sitting down on his chair next to him. 

Erwin takes his glasses off for a moment and rubs his eyes, running a hand through his hair after. He yawns, covering his mouth, and slightly shakes his head trying to wake himself up. Levi draws his eyebrows together and studies him. 

“Are you sure you’re not too tired?” Levi asks, but when Erwin looks at him he curses himself for it. There’s too much gratitude and fondness in those blue eyes of his and it only makes Levi feel worse. Does it? His heart skips a beat. 

“I can manage a few more hours, don’t worry.” 

“I wasn’t.” 

“Of course.” Erwin says in a smirk. “Why don’t you start reading some new word out loud? I’ll be right back.”

“Huh? Where are you going?” 

“You’ll see.” 

“Well, whatever, just don’t fall asleep on the way.”

Erwin shakes his head to reassure him and, after rolling his shoulders to slightly stretch, gets up and disappears behind the door that he leaves open. Levi has no idea what he’s thinking of but he doesn’t mind being alone. He starts reading, out loud too this time, getting upset when he has no idea how to read a word and being proud when he manages. Erwin is taking his time and Levi hasn’t even realized how actually exhausted he is too. 

He ends up muttering the words instead of saying them loud and clear, his mind clouding up, and eventually he places his head on his arm, resting on the desk, and falls into a light but pleasant sleep. 

It’s a warm hand on his shoulder that wakes him up, and for once he doesn’t jump at the touch, he doesn’t wince. 

“Levi?”

“Mh?” Levi slowly raises his head from the table and Erwin’s hand moves away from his body, which only leaves him colder, but Levi pretends not to have noticed. 

He yawns, just like Erwin before, surprised not to have woken up sooner. Surprised to have fallen asleep in the first place.  

“Oh, shit. I didn’t mean to do that.” Levi hears himself saying even though he’s talking to himself rather than Erwin. 

“It’s fine,” Erwin’s voice is low and reassuring. “it’s my fault. It did take me a bit too long.” 

“What were you even doing?” Levi asks, looking up at him. 

When Erwin sits down next to him, on the chair on his right, he places two fuming cups on the table. One for him, and one for Levi. 

“I brought you some tea.” 

Levi blinks, staring at the cup. “Tea?” He frowns, confused.

 

“Well, I would have brought you coffee to help you staying awake, but I know you prefer tea. That’s why it took me a while, I hope you don’t mind.”  

Levi blinks again, moving his eyes from the cup to Erwin, unaware of the touched expression displaying on his own face. Silver eyes a little wide, eyebrows raised up in surprise, lips slightly parted. He grabs the cup, looking down at it, and tastes the tea which makes him feel immediately warmer inside. Safe. Calm. 

“How is it?” Erwin asks, a bit of worry in his hesitating voice, as he carefully watches Levi sipping his drink. 

“Could have been worse.” Levi says, half-lying, because it tastes amazing and he hasn’t drunk tea that good in months, not since he’s been living at the Survey Corps. 

“I’m glad.” 

“Thanks.” Levi says without thinking about it, without realizing how he hasn’t said that word since he’d been a little kid and how it feels exactly like the first time Erwin had ever made him tea. Like every other time Erwin had been kind to him, had deeply cared. 

At that, Levi remembers Aryaa’s words. _ He really cares and you think he’s an asshole…  _

Levi doesn’t even know what he thinks anymore, but something unusual happens before he can help it, before he can stop it. As he puts the mug down, cupping his hands around it to keep them warm, Levi looks up at Erwin and smiles. It’s not a wide grin, it’s not accompanied by a laughter, not even a chuckle. Instead, it’s a small but thankful smile, one that makes his eyes glow and his sharp nose crinkle. It’s a sweet smile, honeyed by the golden light surrounding the room, that starts in his soul and shows on his thin lips.  

Erwin smiles back, just as softly. “I am still convinced you should do that more often.” 

“Do what? Say thanks?” Levi says taking another sip of his tea. 

Erwin gives a light chuckle. “That would be great, but no, I didn’t mean that. I mean you should smile more.” 

Levi stops drinking mid-way, freezing with his lips still touching the cup, his eyes widening. Erwin keeps telling him that, he’s been saying that since forever and it never fails to make Levi feel awkward, and mostly like an idiot. A flattered one. _ So stupid.  _

“When I heard you laughing with your friend the other day I thought I was dreaming. I was actually worried for a moment.” Erwin continues as he mentions the day when Levi had laughed because of Aryaa’s joke. He smirks again thinking about it, still believing she deserves a medal for that, but then he puts the mug down and turns his head toward Erwin. 

He’s staring down at him, again with that soft fondness in his big blue eyes and a smile that could melt anyone. Levi’s heart starts beating faster as he bites his lip down and blushes, his cheeks turning red and alive. For a long second he can’t look away from Erwin, trapped in the depth of his familiar gaze. For a long second he lets himself forget, not caring whether he should look at him that way or not. For a long second it’s just- 

_ Just you and me. And we don’t have to wait this time.  _

Levi shakes his head hard after that thought, looking away from Erwin, frowning down at the table and wondering what the hell is wrong with him? Childhood’s memories and old feelings mix up with the present, and they shouldn’t. 

Levi misses the confused face Erwin makes as he speaks. “Shouldn’t we move on?” 

“Of course.” Erwin smiles again, but doesn’t add anything. 

Levi sighs in relief while Erwin moves the book they use to practice, already open on the desk, closer to both of them. He tells him to start reading, as he keeps sipping his own tea, and Levi complies with Erwin’s kind and easy order. That’s something he can do, completely ignoring how near Erwin is, how everything feels weird and pleasantly different, and focusing on every single word as if his life depends on it. He makes mistakes sometimes, but Erwin is there to correct him, which slightly annoys Levi. However he keeps going until his tongue starts tripping on itself and he gets a little too upset.     

Erwin gently laughs as Levi groans and sighs deeply, and that earns him a cutting and menacing stare. 

“What are you laughing at?” Levi snaps, closing the book under him with a thud as impatience fills his chest like dirty air. He doesn’t like to lose his patience in front of other people, especially Erwin, but it’s not like he’s ever tried to control it anyway. 

“Nothing.” Erwin says, but Levi doesn’t buy it and he definitely doesn’t like being mocked. 

“As if I believe you.” 

“It’s nothing, really. It’s just that this feels like being children again, and you just reminded me of all those times you would lose your temper. That’s what amused me, I’m sorry if you thought I was making fun of you.”

Levi brings his eyebrows together, looking down ashamed of himself for being so hard on Erwin. Even though, yes, he knows he shouldn’t be. Shouldn’t care, and all of that. 

“I never understood why you were so obsessed about me learning how to speak anyway.” Levi comments, randomly remembering how stubborn Erwin would be while teaching him on those distant days.

“Well, I wanted to be able to talk to you.” 

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t have needed to speak perfectly just for that. We were able to talk even without that... I used to understand more than you think.” 

Erwin frowns. “Do you regret me teaching you?” 

“What? I-” Levi thinks about it, he has to give up. “No. No, I don’t. It was useful in the end.” 

“I hope you won’t regret this either, then.” 

“You were a much worse teacher back then anyway.” Levi mumbles, not sure whether that’s supposed to insult him or compliment him. Luckily Erwin doesn’t seem to grasp that and changes the subject before Levi can blush again. 

“I think you could try writing now.” He suggests and Levi wonders whether he’s ready or not. 

It doesn’t matter much, though, as soon as he turns his head once again to look at Erwin and he finds himself breathless. Air not reaching his brain. 

Erwin has taken his jacket off, his skin slightly flushing from the heat the tea must make him feel, and Levi watches him as he rolls his shirt’s sleeves up. Levi swallows hard at the view, trying not to rest his curious eyes over Erwin’s broad shoulders, or the fit muscles showing from under the thin layer of white fabric, or his strong bare forearms, or his large hands, or his long fingers- 

“Levi?” Erwin calls him and Levi shakes his head, aware that he has been staring even though that’s what he was trying to avoid. Damn it. 

“Yeah, right. Writing.”  _ What the fuck is going on?  _ Levi blames it all on the fact that he’s tired, too tired, and that there isn’t enough air to think properly no matter how open the window is. It’s not his fault. It’s Erwin’s fault for looking the way he does, not that he cares. He doesn’t. 

How did he even end up from hating this man like his worst enemy to… this? Shit. 

“Do you know how to write anything?” Erwin asks, probably wondering what’s wrong with Levi without showing it, though. 

“I don’t think so. No.” Levi says, taking the pen and piece of paper Erwin is handing him. 

“Well, I think starting with every letter of the alphabet is the best thing. Wait.” Erwin writes down something quickly, his head bent down and golden locks of short hair falling down covering part of his profile. Levi waits, until Erwin slides the paper on the desk and he looks down at it. It’s the alphabet in its right order. 

“So?” Levi clears his throat. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Try and copy every single letter, just once for now. It takes more practice than this, but you already know how to read a bit so it should be easier for you.”

“Okay.” Levi shrugs and starts doing what Erwin has told him to, once again distracting himself from his presence. 

Unfortunately it’s harder than he thought, and for once he’s not quick as usual at learning something. Levi doesn’t know why but he soon finds out he’s not good at this, at all. Every letter looks weird and not like what it’s supposed to look like and, even though Erwin has told him to copy the alphabet only once, he tries another time, and another and another. The other doesn’t stop him, looking at him concentrate, but at the fifteenth time Levi stops, feeling hopeless. As he looks down nothing has changed, actually the characters only look worse. 

He groans loudly, clenching his fists on the table, mad at himself for not being able to draw a bunch of lines together. “Damn it.”

“It’s fine, Levi. No one learns how to write perfectly after so little time.” Erwin reassures him as he puts one elbow on the desk, tilting his head and leaning it on his hand. 

“I should be better than this.” Levi complains. “It never takes too long for me to learn anything.” 

“Confident, aren’t we?” Erwin jokes lightly, smirking at him, but Levi’s expression grows more serious. 

“Shut up.” 

He hears Erwin chuckling after a short sigh, shifting farther away from him with his chair. 

“Where are you going now?” Levi asks, scowling in frustration, as he looks at Erwin standing up. 

“Nowhere. I’m just stretching my legs.” He moves closer to Levi. “I was thinking you could practice writing your name, for now.” 

“My name?”

“Yes. We can try something else, if you want, but that should give you a little bit of motivation I think. Knowing how to write your own name is important.” 

Levi wonders whether Erwin is telling him the truth or not, but then again why wouldn’t he? More importantly, why has he moved to stand up next to him, almost behind his chair? Levi follows him with his stare, not trusting his actions.

“My name, fine.” Levi frowns, looking down at the sheet of paper to remember which letter is which and how is name is supposed to be spelled. Erwin waits patiently near him, silence falling in the room, as Levi puts the four letters together and finally moves his hand with the pen in it to write. 

The first time he tries it doesn’t even look like a name, more like a black scribble. His hand is slightly shaking with impatience and his wrist is definitely too rigid, not letting the pen do his magic. It’s crazy that he can’t do this, not when he keeps seeing Erwin doing the same every day without any difficulty. It makes Levi mad, and when he tries a second time it’s only worse. What’s his problem?

Too focused on his impossible task, Levi doesn’t notice when Erwin gets too close and bends slightly over him, towering him from behind with his tall and large figure. What- 

Erwin places a prudent hand on Levi’s left jumpy shoulder, to keep him still in his seat, and gently, slowly, hovers the other one along Levi’s right arm to end up nearly touching his writing hand. Levi tenses. Sucks in his breath in shaky confusion, ferment. His hand completely stops. Erwin doesn’t move away, doesn’t say a word, but Levi can tell he’s aware of his reaction. 

Time stops with them caught in a breathless moment, like a single moment of quiet during an unstoppable storm, and Levi finds himself hating and loving it at the same time. Perplexed by his body’s response, the tightness in his chest, the long shiver that runs through his spine, he realizes this is just like every single time Erwin has touched him so far: when he had cut his hair and beard, when he'd helped him with the scratches on his neck, when he'd cleaned the wound on his chest and placed his hand there- 

Too close to his unsteady heart. 

Now, again, Erwin is about to touch him again, already is, but Levi doesn’t want to feel that way yet one more time. He wishes he could want it, he wishes he could just tell Erwin to do it and get it over with but he can’t. He doesn’t even know why he wants that, what is it that keeps drawing him to his former best friend that’s more powerful than his own will. The contradiction inside of him is growing stronger day by day and Levi is sure he’s going to end up crazy at the end of this job, because that’s all Erwin is. A job. A useful one that’s teaching him how to read and write, one that protects him and saves his ass regularly… so what? Still a job. Still the same person he’s hated all those years. No difference. 

(Levi wishes he could believe his own thoughts.)

“Don’t touch me.” Levi says, barely an angry whisper against the odds. A battle he knows he’s going to lose. 

He hears Erwin swallow hard, hesitating, without turning to look at him. He hears his heart beating faster and louder behind him, almost in contact with his own back, and his breath becoming slightly heavier. Then, Erwin takes a deep breath and closes his hand around Levi’s, weakly at first and gripping tighter at last. Levi gives a start, but he lets him, he lets Erwin adjust his hand posture and hold the pen with him so that he can use Levi’s fingers to write and move together with him.  

Levi’s right hand starts shaking faster, his eyes widen and his dry lips part. Erwin’s touch on his shoulder is completely forgotten as all his attention shifts to the warmth of their hands together, burning and melting at the same time as if fire had met ice. It’s different from every time Levi remembers holding Erwin’s hand as a child, it feels much more dangerous and less friendly, even though it’s obvious Erwin is not there to harm him.  

Then, their forearms meet too and Levi’s silver eyes rush to watch as Erwin’s bare skin touches him through the fabric of his own shirt and how strong he looks. Still, he won’t use any of that strength on Levi. He’s almost scared, which is such a new and old feeling for Levi, to sense Erwin so near. 

“Relax your hand.” Erwin murmurs in Levi’s ear, hot breath caressing his neck. It’s gentle, confident, safe. Still, an order. Levi shivers, and suddenly his fear and the chaos inside him turn into something he’s not sure he’s ever felt before without being intoxicated, not when his mind was free and clear of any kind of drug or substance. 

“Follow my movements.” Erwin continues, the low tone of his voice giving him goose bumps and making him gasp silently. That, too, is so different from what Levi remembers from childhood. Erwin’s voice had always been reassuring, but never so smooth and soothing. Never so intense. 

Levi lets him guide him, softening the tension in his wrist and his fingers, and the ink glides on paper just as gracefully as blood slipping out of wounded human flesh. Levi watches the letters being written one by one and it’s not hard at all, not with Erwin there helping him with it. It looks like his name, Erwin’s calligraphy mixed with Levi’s inexperience and Levi doesn’t even care that he should be hating the fact that he’s letting him help because seeing the word makes him inexplicably proud. Determination spiking up inside him. 

He wants to tell Erwin that he wants to try again, and again, until he can manage on his own, but as soon as he turns his head to talk to him he realizes the mistake he’s done and freezes. 

Face to face, in the mild light of the night illuminated by the candles in front of them, Levi can’t look away. And Erwin doesn’t, either. They stare at each other, nearly unaware of how close they are, noses only few inches apart, and Levi forgets about everything he was going to say to lose himself in the deep blue of Erwin’s darkening eyes. This time his heart doesn’t stop, instead it starts pounding loudly and he can’t stop it. His mouth is dry, his right hand, still under Erwin’s, unconsciously searches for more contact, his blood runs faster in his veins, his skin flushes and his gut tightens in a hot, craving clasp.     

Levi forgets why he’s there, too. He forgets about all the bad things that have ever happened to him, he forgets about his crimes and Erwin’s wrongs. He forgets they’re still enemies, no matter what, and he forgets that he’s supposed to kill him, even though for a split second a crimson flash of Erwin’s covered in blood passes through his mind and Levi finds the thought tempting. Pleasing.     

The person in front of him right now is not the same innocent child he once knew, he’s not a rebellious boy either. He’s nothing but the handsome, strong, intelligent and cunning man he’s grown to be that Levi can’t stop looking at. He wishes he could get even closer and, at the same time, he curses himself for the uncomfortable stiffness in his pants. He wonders where all of this is coming from, although he does know, but he doesn’t care. Not when Erwin slowly licks his full lips, without moving his glowing eyes away, and tightens his grip on Levi’s hand to let him know he has no intention to move away. 

Levi has no idea what the other is thinking, whether he’s experiencing the same kind of weird, ardent feeling as him or he’s just looking at him that way because he’s trying to understand him better somehow. Levi has no idea what the hell he’s thinking either, the usual hate fueling the desire for closure he needs right now, and gratitude for Erwin’s kindness towards him turning him soft and weak. 

All Levi knows is that his body is reacting and he’s not sure what that means. What he’s supposed to do, if he should stop, look away, say something. Why isn’t Erwin saying anything either? Why do these silent moments between them feel infinite and why is his chest filled with hope and ache? There’s a fire growing inside of him and Erwin has very little time to move away before Levi either punches him or- 

Levi bites his bottom lip down, hard, almost making it bleed, as his eager eyes fly to Erwin’s mouth. He doesn’t believe he’s just thought of- 

No. 

No. It can’t be. 

Still, they don’t move. If anything Erwin takes another deep breath, and gets one inch closer. Fuck, Levi wants to scream. Why the hell isn’t he walking away from this? Why isn’t he getting up, why isn’t he running away? Then, he realizes, this would be a perfect opportunity to kill him. Lure him into a deceiving kiss and stab him with the knife he always keeps with him. 

It’s perfect. 

Levi’s heart cringes in pain and confusion. 

Shit, there’s only one problem. 

He doesn’t want to kill him. He really doesn’t, not right now at least. Not when he’s watching him with those eyes. Yes, they look dark and deadly serious, and potentially dangerous in a sweet, sweet way, but Levi can also see the softness in them, the need of trust Erwin always looks for everywhere. Levi understands, as he looks at him, that Erwin is not a bad man, he could never be. If he’s going to kiss him, which is a thought that’s driving him mad, it won’t be to lure him into a trap. 

But does he want that? Levi barely knows what a kiss without anger and blood and perdition feels like, it would be like jumping into the void without knowing what the destination will be. 

It’s thrilling, but crazy.

His heart beats faster and it’s hard to breathe, his head is clouded with lust and longing for something he doesn’t even deserve. Levi doesn’t know what he wants, not sure whether he’s even in his right mind right now. He never knows. If only they could have a different past, if only he could be a different man, he would lean in and- 

A sudden loud noise distracts them both, making them jump and managing to make Erwin straighten up and take an immediate step back from Levi. He moves both his hands away from him, leaving Levi cold and lonely, but they are both too busy to turn their heads toward the window, from where the noise has come from, to think about that. Levi’s eyebrows shoot up and his head tilts, watching the raven who’s just landed on the windowsill hopping on the wood and fluttering its wings carefully. 

A raven, black as the night and beautiful, like the ones in the legend he had loved so much where they were believed to fly to the sky to help carry the bridge across the river for the reunion of the two lovers. As he remembers the story he wonders if that’s a sick joke, if that raven is there to remind him about his reunion with Erwin… but that’s not the same. It’s stupid to think, and Levi knows it, but it makes him come back to reality, his mind clearing up and the yearning warmth in his body fading away to let a cold, abrupt alarm wash him over instead.

What has just happened?

He stands up quickly, making the chair behind him nearly fall and scaring the bird away, and turns to look at Erwin one last time. He sees the confusion and alert in his eyes as well, he’s almost in position to defend himself as if he knew Levi was going to attack him. What? Why? 

What Levi feels is only disgust towards himself, because he has let himself feel too much, and then looking at Erwin becomes unbearable. He storms off the room without saying anything, his eyes a bit too wide and a lump in his throat, bumping into Erwin’s shoulder as he does. 

Erwin doesn’t say anything, doesn’t stop him, and Levi doesn’t care. He needs to get away, and as he moves farther away from the room he starts running as fast as he can. He shakes his heavy head and tries not to think about what just happened. He runs and he runs until he reaches the calming darkness of the small forest near camp and, closing his eyes, he can almost imagine to be safe surrounded by his old beloved trees. 

That’s better. 

There he can remind himself of all the things that have happened to him, why is Erwin guilty, why has he been so stupid tonight and why he’s there. He can breathe again, and even though it all feels wrong, he pretends it’s fine. He pretends he’s still the same cold man who hates everyone and trusts no one. 

When he finally stops running and worrying and thinking altogether, he notices he’s left his shoes behind. 

 

***

“Quick! Let me punch you!” Aryaa exclaims all of a sudden during their usual morning practice. 

“Huh?” Levi frowns, his fists up in the air for defense and his body already in a fighting position. “That’s what you’ve been trying to do for the last half an hour.” 

There’s a sheen of sweat covering Aryaa’s dark skin that states Levi’s comment, but her face changes from focused to half-annoyed, half-begging and Levi’s not sure what she means. 

“Yes, I know that.” She puffs. “I meant let me punch you as in pretend I’ve actually managed to hit you!” 

Levi only frowns more, relaxing for a moment and tilting his head to study his nervous friend. 

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you owe me a favor?” She tries, her answer turning into an unconvincing question.

“Excuse me?” Levi’s eyebrows raise up and looks at her with unbelief. 

“Come on! What does one punch cost you?” She sounds impatient as she starts fidgeting with her fingers and keeps running her hand in her short hair. Levi observes her a little longer, his eyes concentrating on her weird and sudden expression, and when he finally catches her looking behind him too many times to be occasional he turns his head to see for himself. 

Not so far away there’s a group of boys and girls, possibly of Aryaa’s age, that are looking their way. One of the boys particularly; one with dark medium-long hair, a tall skinny body and lean features framing his face, not someone who would draw anyone’s particular attention. When Levi goes back to look at Aryaa he sees her waving her hand at the very same boy and smiling an awkward smile different from her usual confident grins. It takes Levi two seconds to put things together, realizing what’s going on. 

He rolls his bored eyes. “Are you really trying to impress a boy?” He asks, his voice empty with a hint of sarcasm. 

Aryaa’s face turns red, her green eyes open wide, and she waves her arms in front of her  even more agitated than before. Levi almost laughs at the sight.

“W-what! As if you have never tried to impress anyone.” She accepts defeat immediately and soon changes her attitude, looking bold and folding her arms on her chest, looking down at Levi with the air of someone who knows everything and can’t possibly be wrong. 

“I haven’t.” Levi says, as memories of another life come up and he finds himself thinking of all the times he had practiced talking alone just to show Erwin how good he could be, denying all of it after. Something that he had found himself do for other things too, even recently. He shakes his head and shoos the thought away.  _ You’re such a liar.  _ A voice in his head tells him.  _ Shut up.  _ He replies promptly. 

“Yeah. Sure.” Even Aryaa doesn’t believe him, but at least she doesn’t know who he’s thinking of, even though Levi is not so sure. She knows too much, and she’s right: everyone thinks she’s a bit stupid but she’s really smart. 

Levi burns her with one glare and she shuts up. For three seconds. 

“So?! Can I punch you now? All you need to do is really just fall on the ground or something, you don’t need to look dead, you know.”

“No.” He says flatly. 

“Why not? Come on, I thought we were friends! You even deserve this punch at this point!”

“Do I?” He teases her, seeing the irritation growing in her eyes. Still, the air is not tense at all and Levi knows this is fine and she’s not actually upset. He wouldn’t want to make her angry. “I’m not sure one of your punches would actually hurt.” 

She gasps loudly, dropping her mouth open as she fakes severe insult. “How dare you!” 

“You’re an idiot.” He says, barely amused, but secretly thinking that he’s glad he has someone like this in his life. Better a friend who likes to joke and being over dramatic than never ending pain and dark thoughts. 

“You’re the one implying that I’m weak.” 

“I haven’t said that. I meant that it wouldn’t hurt because I usually don’t feel that much pain,” He hesitates, actually focusing on his answer. “and that, yes, I’m stronger. But it’s not your fault.” 

“Not my fault?” 

“You’re not weak, you’re actually stronger than all the other brats anyway, just not at my level yet. That’s why we’re doing this, isn’t it?”

“Are you saying I could be at your level one day?”

“Tch, no. You can try, though. Also one of the reasons why I’m not letting you punch me just because you’re asking.” 

“That’s… fair. Still mean, though! You’re no fun at all.” She giggles rolling her eyes, accepting Levi’s words. She looks like she’s given up and they can finally go back to their usual routine, until a deep clear voice calls Levi from behind and he gets distracted.

“Levi.” Erwin says out loud to catch his attention, and as a trained animal responding to his master, Levi quickly turns around forgetting all about Aryaa and what they were doing. 

She doesn’t hesitate. Just as soon as he moves his eyes from her she lunges at him and strikes a punch. She takes him by surprise, he doesn’t have the time to dodge too worried to know what Erwin might want, and hits him right in the face. 

Levi stumbles back, doesn’t fall, and before she can punch him again he grabs her wrist and stops her. The grip around his wrist squeezes a bit too hard for a moment, but Levi realizes it fast enough to let her go before he may hurt her. She doesn’t look alarmed, but he feels her arm trying to get away with more strength that she would be supposed to use in a friendly match. Shit. 

Face to face, Levi still holding her arm but gently now, he speaks. “You’ve got your punch now.” 

She smirks. 

“You better go before he gets mad, then.”

“Sure. Enjoy your brief fame.”

Levi walks away from her, without saying anything else and giving a menacing look to the boy she was looking at before, and reaches for Erwin standing near the door that faces the outside field.  _ Before he gets mad,  _ Levi thinks about Aryaa’s words. He knows she was joking but now he feels ashamed for having lost all focus just because he was calling him. What’s gotten into him? 

In his defense, though, they still haven’t talked since last night and he has every right to be on edge about it. He wouldn’t believe Erwin would get mad but what now? Are they going to talk about it? Is Erwin going to scold him for some reason? Is he going to keep teaching Levi? 

He doesn’t have to wait too much to know. As they walk towards Erwin’s office Levi doesn’t ask why he wanted to see him, and they don’t talk at all. Once inside the room Erwin tells him to sit and wait as usual and once he’s done they head for the hiding hall to have dinner. Still, Levi hasn’t said a single word and Erwin has kept very quiet. Levi is going crazy because he really has no idea what does this mean, but he’s too much of a coward to ask already. Silence is better. 

After they eat Aryaa walks towards him and Erwin lets him go with her, knowing that he has to go back to his office at one point. Levi frowns at that, but when he asks Erwin why, even though he shouldn’t, Erwin tells him that he thought it was obvious. For the lessons. Ah, so they are going to pretend nothing ever happened. It’s fine for Levi. 

They go different ways and Aryaa drags him away, suggesting that they could go to the roof and enjoy the slightly warm evening up there. Apparently, she loves stars and he can’t really blame her. Once they are up there they both sit down and stay silent for a while. She has a sweet, relaxing smile on her face and Levi doesn’t want to bother her. 

“Well?” She says eventually. 

Levi, who was focused on looking up at the night clear sky, turns his head to look at her with one eyebrow up and the other questioning. “Well, what?”

“ _ Well,  _ aren’t you going to ask me what happened as soon as you disappeared?” 

“Should I?”

“Obviously!”

Slightly amused by her weird way of thinking Levi sighs and asks. “What happened?” 

“I became the star of camp! No, seriously, I gotta thank you for that!”

“Me?”

“Of course! I mean, you could have hit me back or whatever but you didn’t and now everyone thinks I’m amazing because I’m the first one who actually got to punch you witho-” She clears her throat. “Who got to punch you.” She finishes with a smile. 

“Without what?”

“Nothing, come on. That’s not important.” 

“Without getting almost killed in return?” Levi asks for her, because he remembers even too well what has happened to the few ones who have tried to hit him. They all lost, earning a free ride to the infirmary.

“Well, I didn’t want to say it, but yes. That’s even better, though!” She sighs happily, swinging her legs like a little kid on the edge of the roof. 

“If you say so.” Levi shrugs, not really caring. Then another thought enters his mind and he has to ask. “Did you think I was going to hit you back?”

“Mh?” She turns towards him looking at him with honestly confused big eyes. “Well, that’s what you were supposed to do, you know? We were practicing hand-to-hand combat so yeah, I thought you were going to.”

That sounds too reasonable. “No. I meant, did you think I was going to… do what I have done to everyone else to you?”

She doesn’t hesitate. “No.” 

“How do you know?”

“You had no reason to. I didn’t provoke you, or insult you. We were just training and then chatting. Yes, of course, you could have gotten angry since that was a bit sneaky but I don’t think you would have actually hurt me.” 

“You shouldn’t suppose these things, Aryaa. You shouldn’t just trust me, or people in general. Not even if they are your friends.” Levi says looking away from her and down to the dark ground. 

“Always the optimistic one, aren’t you?” She bumps his shoulder with her and gives a light laugh. “You don’t have to worry. I know who I can trust, and you’re alright.” 

Levi bitterly and briefly laughs at that, still not looking at her. Still not sure why and how she thinks she can trust him. He doesn’t even trust himself, and even though she doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t trust her too. There’s no place for complete trust in his heart. 

“Have you impressed that guy, anyway?” Levi changes the subject, not wanting to think about his personal issues for too long and not wanting to drag her into them. 

“Oh!” She says, surprised. “I can’t believe you asked.”

“I’m already regretting it.” Levi rolls his eyes. 

“No, no! I wanted to talk about that too, anyway.” 

“So?”

“Well, I have! But, I mean, everyone else was just as impressed so…” 

“Who even is he? I’m not sure I’ve ever seeing you talking to him. Actually, except for your birthday, I’ve never seen you talking to anyone at all. Was today the first time you talked to him?” 

“I think I’m going to cry here, baby.” She says before placing her hands over her mouth and looking as if he just gave her the best gift she could ever hope for. Faking tears and pure joy, too.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Levi frowns deeply, wondering if she’s gone mad. 

“It’s that you’re talking so much tonight. Even asking questions.” She pretends to dry one tear from her cheek. “I never thought I’d see the day, you know.”

Levi inhales deeply, not believing what he’s hearing. “That’s it. I’m gonna go, now.” 

“Hey!” She goes back to be her usual self in less than a second, grabbing his shirt and keeping Levi seated next to her as he was trying to get up. “Don’t go! I was only joking.” She shakes her head and laugh. 

“Are you going to stop?”

“Sure, sure.” She keeps laughing lightly. “You’re just too precious when you get annoyed by these kind of things. I’m sorry.” She’s not sorry at all, and Levi knows.

“Whatever.” He simply says, waiting for her to stop giggling. 

“Okay, so, the boy from before.” She clears her throat before explaining. “To answer your question, no, today wasn’t the first day I ever talked to him. Man! I’ve been knowing him since we were kids, he’s like my best friend, that would be kinda weird.” 

“Oh.” Levi draws his thin eyebrows together, perplexed. “So why have I never seen him around you?”

“Ah, well. It’s just that he doesn’t trust you and thinks I’m crazy to spend time with you and so he keeps his distance. I usually talk to him when you’re busy with other stuff.”

“Why the hell would you choose to spend the rest of your time with me instead of him? Or your usual friends, anyway?” Levi has to ask, because he thinks she’s crazy too at this point. 

“I thought you already knew, come on! Because you’re interesting, I like you, and because I enjoy being with you. Besides, you’re helping me with training and all!” 

Levi shakes his head. 

“Listen, I know I sound a bit weird. I get it, I would think that too. I have every opportunity to spend a lot of thim with the guy I’ve been in love with since forever and instead I hang out with a dangerous stranger that I barely know. If my mom knew, she would kill me, but I simply don’t care.” 

“I think your mom would actually be able to kill  _ me _ , if she knew.” Levi says. “And I didn’t know you were... in love with that brat. He looks like a complete moron if you ask me.” He tries to remember his face from a few hours ago, and he really can’t understand what Aryaa sees in him. 

“Ehy! He’s not that bad!” She slaps him on the thigh near hers. “Besides… I mean, I’m not in love… Maybe… I don’t know! He’s just, he’s much better than everyone thinks! He’s funny and cute and he always makes me feel better when I’m down, or when something terrible happens. He thinks my scars are cool, too! Once, he said they were really pretty.” Levi thinks that, too.

“We used to be insufferable pests together when we were younger, you know, making everyone mad because we would spread damage everywhere. Oh! And all the stories we would come up with! They were great, and we didn’t care if they sounded crazy.” That makes Levi think back of when Erwin and he would do the same, and unconsciously he gives her a tiny smile filled with nostalgia that she luckily doesn’t notice.

“He’s always been by my side, stood up for me and all… When we came here things got a bit more difficult, but still, I really care about him.”

“Does he care about you?” Levi asks suddenly, before he can think about it, feeling protective of her and hoping this guy is never going to treat her badly because otherwise he would kill him within three seconds, or less.

“Yes!” She waits, then. “I mean… I hope so! He definitely does, but…”

“But?” His fist clenches. 

“But I think he sees me more like a sister than something else.” She sighs, and Levi relaxes, relieved.

“I always thought you were one of those people who don’t need anyone and want to be independent and strong by themselves, not a sloppy girl in love.” Levi says, barely commenting, but that raises quite the reaction from his friend. 

“What do you mean? What does being strong and independent have anything to do with liking someone? Or with me being a girl, anyway? I call that bullshit, you know. Life is just too short, especially in this world, to close yourself in a shell and pretending not to care about anything or anyone.” 

“What if there’s just too much pain?” Levi answers back. 

“Yeah, so what? Pain is hard and tough and horrible, but caring and opening up to people only makes that better. What’s the point if you don’t love while you still can? Where’s the fun in just surviving? I mean, there are plenty of other great things, like fighting! I love fighting, and eating, and running, and going outside the walls and feel the wind on my face and everything else, trust me, but why shouldn’t I want to be in love at the same time? Why can’t I like people and trust them? What’s wrong with that?”

“Because everyone gets hurt, eventually.” 

She sighs again, more deeply this time. “That’s true. I’m not saying you don’t have a point there, but I also think that if you just stop believing in people because you get hurt once, twice, maybe even ten times, then you’re wasting all the good potential you could find in this world.” 

“I might be pessimist, but you like to dream big, don’t you?” 

“I don’t! I actually believe in what I’m saying.” They look at each other seriously for a long, thoughtful moment. Then, she smiles again and it’s just as gentle as a soft breeze on the skin on a summer sunny morning. Levi, in the dark of the night, can see the light in her. She’s beautiful, but it’s a different kind of beautiful from everyone else. Levi looks at her and he feels hope, for the first real time. Maybe he should believe her too, maybe he should let himself care, trust, love… 

He’s a monster. A killer. A thief. He doesn’t even know what he is, his body a stranger to him and his mind fucked up beyond belief. How could he do that? With the help of a soft smile, with someone’s kind hands taking care of him, with quiet words that aren’t meant to hurt him, with the help of other people, friends, even. It sounds too good to be true, and Aryaa doesn’t know all the things he’s gone through. Sure, she has seen death and experienced pain, but Levi is different. Aryaa is light and Levi is lost in the darkness of his past, not sure there’s a way out of it. 

“Besides, there must be someone you like too! Just as I like Jesse.” Aryaa blurts out, a big grin on her lips. 

“Jesse?” 

“Yeah, my friend, love of my life, partner in crime, best person ever-”

“Okay, okay, I got it.” Levi wonders what kind of name even is Jesse? He really sounds boring and not worth it of a force of nature like Aryaa. 

“Well?”

“No.” 

“No, you don’t want to talk about it or no, you don’t like anyone here? Or anywhere else?”

“Both.” 

She smirks, like she knows she finally got him. “You know that only means that the real answer is yes, right?”

“You know that only means you’re dumb as fuck?”

She sticks her tongue out at that, before rolling her eyes. “I guess you’ll never tell, won’t you?”

“You got that part right.”

“Mh. So can I ask you another question?”

“Go on, you’re going to ask anyway.” Levi is even too used to this. She always asks, but then she always speaks up anyway. 

“You don’t happen to have any advice on how to confess to a childhood friend, do you?”

She earns herself a punch on her arm for that, because Levi is sure she’s being a little shit on purpose and he knows what she’s talking about. She grimaces and laughs, and he understands she was joking. Maybe. Whatever, Levi can’t be bothered. 

“No, okay. My real question is another, and I swear it’s serious!” 

“What is it?”

“Did my punch hurt you in the end?”

“Huh?” Levi has already forgotten about it. “Yeah, it kinda did. It was a good punch.” He reassures her. 

“Really! Are you serious?”

“Yes. I thought it was going to tickle only, but I felt a bit more than that. You should be proud.”

“Hell yeah I am!” She gloats for a moment, then she looks at him and squints her eyes to study his face, getting slightly closer. Levi moves back and frowns.

“What?”

“There’s no bruise, though. I should have left one, what the hell?” 

Levi smirks, because the surprise on her face is priceless and for once he can enjoy the fact that his body is different from everyone else’s. “That’s normal.” 

“Normal?! How is that normal?”

“It’s just how my body works. I heal fast.” 

“Well, that’s fast for sure, then.” She seems to be thinking, remembering something. “But then… that time I saw you all beaten up after you had fought with Erwin… I mean, your bruises only started to fade away a couple of days after that! How strong even is that man?” 

Right, of course she had to talk about him. Levi’s trying so hard not to think about him and now she has to remind him of that night when they had fought and it had felt so good and at the same time like the worst fight of his life. He still has no idea what he feels about that, about the way Erwin had behaved. 

“Stronger than you, for sure.” 

“You don’t say! Damn, you know what, I’m actually starting to be scared of him. I mean, I was already, but that was because he never smiles and always looks so serious, but now…”

“Really? You’re scared of him?” Levi supposes it’s not that weird, Erwin had sure looked scary that night during the fight, but he’s not like that all the time. He makes people respect him and he always sounds cold and severe, but in truth he’s just a piece of bread. Or at least, most of the times, on good days. Levi doesn’t know, why would he know? Who cares if Erwin is kind and of good company? It doesn’t matter.

“Yeah, I’m also fascinated by him, though. Everyone thinks he’s too obsessed with titans, but people respect him. I, for one, never doubted him and I think he’ll be a great commander one day. If he’ll become one, that is. But I’m pretty sure he will.”

“It would be absurd if he doesn’t become commander.” Shit, what is Levi saying? He’s not supposed to think about Erwin’s future. Erwin’s future is not supposed to exist, not until he’s going to be there, anyway. 

“Uuh, are you taking his side?”

Levi turns the other side as he blushes, cursing her and himself and Erwin and everyone else. He hears her giggle, but it’s not a mocking laughter. 

“Shut up.” 

“Don’t worry, baby. I’m not gonna tell him, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“I’m not worried about anything. Shut up.” 

“I think I have an idea or two of who you like, you know.” 

“I swear to god, if you don’t stop right now I’m going to throw you off this roof right now.” He hisses, turning back to face her and looking deadly serious. She gulps and nods, placing a hand on her mouth. 

“Good.” He doesn’t like it when she implies that he likes Erwin, in any way. 

It’s stupid and irrelevant and he doesn’t need to think about it. He doesn’t need to think about the night before and remembering him so close, his hand so warm on his. He doesn’t need to think about what he’s felt, the urge to kiss him out of nowhere, not wanting him to move away. Fuck! Levi doesn’t want to think about it, he needs to forget, he needs to convince himself that it all was just because they were both tired and it was late and the night can do that kind of stuff to people and- 

Damn it. 

Luckily, Aryaa brings him back.

“You like me, though.” She says slowly, quietly, looking hesitant. “Right?” 

Levi turns to look at her and then raises his hand up to mess her short hair up playfully, as he would do with Isabel once. “Yeah, I guess I do.” 

She smiles the biggest, brightest smile. The burning stars in the sky are nothing compared to it, and Levi’s happy to have her as a friend. 

“Hey.” 

“What?” 

“What about that secret handshake? This would be a great moment to try that out.” She suggests, hopeful. 

“Just shut up, kid.” Levi says, rolling his eyes and denying her request. 

She groans, complaining, but she keeps smiling. 

 

***

Pretending nothing has ever happened between them it’s much easier than Levi would think. They behave exactly like before, only Levi practices writing too now. They meet in the morning, they have lunch and dinner with the others most of the time, during practice Levi stays with Aryaa and the rest of the day they spend it together in Erwin’s office. Once evening comes Erwin patiently teaches him what’s rest to teach and assists Levi when he finds something to be too hard. They never touch, they sit fairly distant to each other, but no one talks about the other night. 

Levi is relieved, his heart feels a little less anxious in Erwin’s presence now, and he can keep calm more easily. There’s no need to snap at the man or get all defensive, not now that all they talk about it’s strictly linked to either work or the lessons. Levi decides that until he can properly read, and writing too because that could be useful one day, there’s no point in looking for the famous documents. He will find them, but what’s wrong if he gains something else too from this weird, surreal situation? 

Erwin doesn’t seem to mind either. Actually, the man gets even more quiet than usual, colder and although Levi still needs to be kept under control Erwin grants him more time to himself, or at least time he can spend without Erwin. Something like this had already happened the first few months, but for different reasons. It was because Erwin had thought Levi was starting to behave, not because he’d been embarrassed to see him. Embarrassed? Is that what Erwin is now? Levi has no idea, he can barely look at him in the eyes lately without him moving his stressed gaze away. It makes Levi nervous for the most part, but it’s okay. It’s fine as long as Erwin keeps saving those few hours for him at night. 

Sometimes Levi wonders why had Erwin called him the other day, while he was with Aryaa, if now he seems to try to avoid him all the time. He shrugs at the thought, not caring that much to lose his mind thinking about it, and carries on with his day. 

Levi spends the morning with Aryaa, but when at lunch he doesn’t see Erwin there he frowns and nearly gets worried. It’s weird not to find him where he’s supposed to be- supposed to be? Erwin can do whatever he wants. Still, Levi wonders what’s wrong and can’t help but ask Mike if he knows where the squad leader is. Mike tells him he’s probably in his office, that it hasn’t happened in a while since Levi’s been there, but Erwin always used to eat alone so that wouldn’t be so strange. Levi nods and heads for the usual office without thinking twice. He has no intention to eat with the others, and Aryaa is busy with her actual friends, and that dumb boy she likes so much too. 

When Levi steps into the room -without knocking because why would he?- he catches Erwin bent on his desk, a plate with some untouched food in it near him, writing something. No, he’s not writing, his hand is moving in circles and he’s using a pencil, but before Levi can tell Erwin raises his head up. He raises his eyebrows surprised and closes the notebook in front of him, the one he had told Levi never to touch. Levi is curious, even more than before, but doesn’t say anything and only greets the man by getting closer to the desk. 

“Hey.” Now that he’s there, aware he has nothing to do, he doesn’t know what to say. 

“Levi, I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“Yeah, well. I couldn’t be bothered to eat with your friends. Or mine. Whatever, does it matter?” 

Erwin gives him a small smile that Levi can’t interpret. “Have you eaten already?” 

“I-” Levi looks down at Erwin’s plate and his own empty hands after. “No, I haven’t. But neither have you.” 

“I know. What do you say? I can go fetch you something to eat and then we can both have lunch here, I’d rather stay some place quiet today.” 

Levi shrugs, sitting on the sofa and crossing one leg over the other and staring up at Erwin while he stands up and already heads for the door. “Fine. I’ll just wait here, then.” 

“I won’t be long.” Erwin reassures him and almost rushes outside. Weird.

Levi gets up after several seconds and, after checking if anyone is coming, can’t resist the temptation to find out what was Erwin doing before he would come in. The notebook is still there where the man has left him, closed but on plain sight on the table. Levi picks it up and suddenly he feels nervous, like he doesn’t want to open it but at the same time he wants to see everything that is in it at once. He caresses the leather cover once, hoping there’s not too much written down in it, aware that he couldn’t be able to read it, and then finally opens it. 

If he was hoping to find the documents, well, he can kiss that dream goodbye. What he finds on the first page is a sketch of Erwin’s usual plans for expeditions with some notes on the side, not that interesting. Levi turns the second page, then another, and nothing ever changes. It’s just notes and plans, scribbles too; sometimes it’s a drawing of a titan, or two, impressively good, but nothing much. Levi sighs at that, rolling his eyes as he witnesses Erwin’s crazy obsession with titans. 

He goes on, expecting to find the same thing, when suddenly the drawings under Levi’s dazzled eyes are different and it’s not just titans anymore. The style seems to have changed too, much more detailed, light and soft, and what Levi sees it’s people drawn on paper as if they were real. At first it’s just random soldiers, or people that Levi doesn’t know, on their horses, or with their gear on in different poses that resemble attack positions. As he quickly turns the pages, he sees Mike, Hange, Nanaba. He sees people that he’s met in real life, their faces either laughing or serious, and Levi must admit Erwin really knows how to draw. 

Then, surprise hits him again. It seems like at one point Erwin had decided to start drawing one person only: Levi. His eyes widen and he sees himself as he had first come at the Corps, with his hair long and a beard, he sees himself with his current look wearing a uniform, with and without his white cravat, he sees himself standing up and sitting down on the sofa. He sees his naked chest and back, sees the scars that cover his muscled body in full detail. There are several close-ups of his face too, making different expressions, that make Levi feel uncomfortable, but amazed. There is also a drawing of him smiling, and Levi can’t believe that’s how he looks like when he smiles. He can’t believe Erwin has drawn him like that. 

If he thinks about it, Levi hasn’t seen himself in months. He doesn’t know what he looks like anymore, but apparently Erwin has much more memory than he does because when he turns yet another yellowish page he sees the child he once had been. And that, he remembers too.

Levi instantly recognizes the kind of big clothes he’s wearing in the pencilled portrait, he recognizes his tiny figure and his old, long shaggy hair he had a long ago. He recognizes his naked ruined feet and the innocent, but still terrifying look on his face and what he recognizes the most is the forest drawn around him. Erwin really does have an eye for details, even some flowers look exactly the same. There are several ones of these drawings. Sometimes with Levi sleeping, sometimes with him laughing, others with him staring at nothing and everything at the same time.

Why? Why has Erwin drawn him so many times? What does that even mean?

What Levi never finds is a portrait of Erwin himself. There’s an old man with what he guesses should be light hair, wearing glasses, that he supposes to be Erwin’s father, but never him. He wonders why that is too, but it doesn’t matter because when Levi turns another page his heart stops and he forgets all about it. 

Staring right back at him from the notebook are two faces he remembers so well, faces that he hasn’t seen in more than fifteen years and that make his chest tighten painfully and his jaw clench. He starts going through the rest of the pages faster, his hand shaking, and it’s always them, again and again. Sometimes Levi is there too, sometimes they’re alone, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t upset Levi. 

They look happy every time, like they used to be. They look… they look so alive. 

A pang of painful emotion tears him apart as he feels his eyes getting wet and his hand shaking harder. He wasn’t expecting this, he has never expected to see his old family ever again, it’s wrong. 

Just as he’s about to close the notebook and storm out of the room Erwin comes back with Levi’s food in his hand. Erwin freezes on the spot as soon as his eyes set on what Levi’s holding in his hands, but Levi doesn’t care, anger mixing with incoming unpredicted tears in his silver eyes. Eyes that are turning red and dangerous.

Carefully, as Levi doesn’t say a word, Erwin steps closer and puts the plate on the desk. Then, just as slowly, he takes his notebook out of Levi’s hands and places it aside. Levi lets him, his mind clouded with other upsetting thoughts, enough that he barely acknowledges Erwin’s presence for a moment. 

“What is this?” Levi says in a raging whisper, finally focusing his eyes on Erwin’s. 

Erwin sighs deeply. “I thought I had told you not to touch anything on my desk.” 

“That’s not what I asked.” Levi steps away from the desk to get closer to Erwin, on the other side. 

“It’s just a hobby, Levi.” Erwin says, but they both know that’s now that Levi meant. There’s both sadness and guilt on Erwin’s face and it makes Levi feel only sicker to his stomach. 

“I don’t give a fuck if you want to draw me a hundred time like a goddamn pervert or whatever you do that for, but why.... How could you enjoy drawing Farlan and Isabel? How dare you?” Levi’s voice trembles and his look gets worse. It’s the first time he says their names in Erwin’s presence.

Erwin swallows hard and steps back, if not scared at least alarmed by Levi’s behaviour. 

“I don’t enjoy it.” 

“Stop messing with me. What kind of answer is that? Then why would you draw them? Why would you bring them back to life like that? You don’t deserve it! You don’t even deserve to think about them, you shouldn’t even remember their own names, you fucking-” 

Levi punches him once, twice, and more, eventually releasing his riled up anger and using all his pain and strength to strike, not thinking of the possible consequences. Erwin stumbles back, alert and ready to defend himself, but not running away and looking extremely composed as he takes Levi’s blows. 

Levi has kept calm so far so long, but now he doesn’t care. He feels everything at once and the man in front of him isn’t Erwin anymore, it’s the lost kid who’s killed his friends, and no matter how many times Levi had seen the scene in his head this time it’s worse than ever. This time it feels like being there again, like discovering his family was dead again. No mercy for their murderer. 

Only he does hold back, exactly like last time. 

Instead of keep punching him as he should Levi looks at him in the eyes and stops, eventually holding his arm up in the air, but never letting it find its destination. Desperate as he is Levi can’t do it, and he doesn’t know why. He finds himself hating his stupid body not responding to his commands more than he hates Erwin, who’s still looking at him like he deserves it all. 

Levi inhales, filling his lungs up with tense air, and cries. 

Tears carrying frustration, fury and grief run down his face silently and without him even realizing it until he feels his cheeks getting warm and  wet. His lower lip shakes and his punch in the air ends up hitting Erwin’s chest without hurting him, only resting there. He looks down, ashamed of himself, and fears for what Erwin has to say. For what he’ll dream of that night and for how he’s going to get angry at himself for being this weak. Weak. Pathetic. A monster who can’t even behave as one anymore. A waste of time and space that feels and suffers and can no longer manage to be empty and useful. 

“You killed them. You killed the only family I’ve ever had. You gave me hope and life and you took it all away.” Levi hisses, finally speaking up about the matter for the first time with Erwin and not being able to control his emotions rushing inside him anymore. 

What’s the point? Why should he do after seeing his friends’ eyes on those pages after all those years? The truth is he misses them, he misses the life in the woods, he misses those calm days and he doesn’t even care about those men hurting him from time to time and doing God knows what on him. It was easy, back then. He wouldn’t feel so alone and hopeless, he wouldn’t have to question every move, every word anyone says. He wouldn’t have to know that he can’t trust people, no matter what they say or do. He would be caged up, but free in his little world, a different freedom from the one he has now. 

“It was so long ago, but I can’t- I just can’t forgive you, I can’t forget. They didn’t deserve to die, they hadn’t done anything wrong, why did you have to kill them? Why couldn’t you just shoot me instead? Why did it have to be them? I never would have ended up being the person I am, and they would have been better people. They would have been strong and escaped and lived a fucking nice life, not this hell! Why them?!” Levi ends up raising his shivering voice, hitting Erwin’s chest angrily once again, with painful hopelessness. 

At that, Erwin takes a step back finally putting more distance between them. As Levi feels the contact between his clenched fist and Erwin’s body break he looks up, his eyes still teary and his vision blurry. He frowns looking confused, exhausted, and grim. 

“I draw them because I want to remember what I’ve done. You’re right, I don’t deserve to bring them back like that. I don’t deserve the memories I have of them, too, but stop doing this would mean forgetting and forgetting is too close to forgiveness.” Erwin takes a deep breath, looking as if he was speaking to his cadets before going on a deadly mission. 

“You have every right to hate me for what I’ve done, I’ll never stop you from doing so, but I can’t go back. I wish I could, I wish that never happened, I wish I-” He stops, only to keep going after a long moment of silence. “I don’t deserve to wish anything. What I’ve done that day was wrong and awful, but I’m not lying when I say I didn’t mean to. It was an accident, and I’m deeply sorry.”

_ It was an accident.  _ He knows. _ I’m deeply sorry.  _ He knows that, too. It’s not the first time he thinks about it or the first first time Erwin says something about it, he knows. Fuck. Levi knows, he knows, he knows, but what does it matter? What does it matter if he can’t help but care, even just a little? What if he can’t help but still feel for Erwin what he had first felt? Or more? What if he can’t help staying away from him, can’t help feeling the unbelievable, unexpected, but powerful draw he feels towards him? What if he can’t do this? Can’t stay there, because it’s all too much? 

He can’t forgive him, though. He won’t. Not that, never. 

“And, Levi,” Erwin says, particularly careful with his words, if not nervously hesitant. “I am completely aware that what I’m going to say it’s utterly, awfully selfish but… I’m glad it wasn’t you the one I shot that night.”

Levi’s eyes widen and his lips part. What? How could he say that? But then Levi remembers… Erwin doesn’t know anything about him, he doesn’t know why Levi wishes differently. He knows so little and not enough at all to understand why Levi doesn’t deserve to be alive, even though he hates people so much most of the time that being alive feels like revenge and gratification altogether. But Levi doesn’t think he’s a monster for the people he killed, he thinks he’s one for how he does it, for the way he’d let people treat him, for the things he feels and thinks. For his different body and his fucked up mind, that’s why. Farlan and Isabel would have been light whereas he only brings darkness and death. Still, Levi doesn’t want to die. 

“You’ll regret that.” He hears himself bitterly laughing as he says the words. He looks at Erwin for one last time, letting the angry tears on his pale cheeks drying up alone, and leaves the room. 

He goes to the roof and doesn’t get down until late night, half-sleeping half-thinking in the meantime, and thankful for the fact that he can be alone for a while. He hopes Erwin’s notebook will burn in hell with him. 

***

The next day Erwin is a ghost. 

Levi wakes up after three hours of nightmares with a bad headache and heavy, tired eyes. His mind is empty and there’s a burning ache in his heart that he can’t send away, doesn’t even know how to begin to. It hurts like a brushing blade on his skin ready to stab and execute, it hurts like seeing the faces of his old friends in his dreams losing their life over and over and him being unable to move to do anything. It hurts like looking at Erwin most of the time, but Levi has to live with it, he has no other choice. 

Wrong. He has plenty of choices, he just doesn’t want to choose among them.

At breakfast, though, he doesn’t see Erwin. He stays with Aryaa for a couple of hours, but doesn’t talk much, and when she notices something is off he refuses to tell her and leaves. She doesn’t push, probably aware that it’s better to give him time alone, and Levi is grateful. He trains by himself, throwing exhausted punches and irritated kicks, until he’s too frustrated to do that too and storms off and switches to practice with his gear. That goes slightly better, the air on his face as he flies among the trees makes him feel calmer, but once he puts his feet on the ground the overwhelming anxiety comes back fast and brutal. 

Levi keeps thinking of the words he’s said; of Erwin’s words. He thinks of all the things Erwin’s done for him so far and how unfair that is. It is, it’s wrong, Erwin should treat him just as badly. He shouldn’t calm him down when he’s trying to hit people too hard, he shouldn’t clean his wounds, he shouldn’t risk his freedom for him, he shouldn’t have to convince hundreds of people that he’s a good person and not a criminal anymore. Erwin shouldn’t stay so close as he does sometimes, shouldn’t touch him in that soft way of his, shouldn’t lean in when they are face to face even when they fight, Erwin shouldn’t- 

Levi swears and grabs his head in his hands in the middle of the open training field as he goes back to the building’s camp, hoping for the thoughts to stay away. They don’t, and when Levi doesn’t spot Erwin at lunch either, the anxiety starts to spread from his own problems only to his former friend’s absence. Where is he? Usually, when they avoid each other, Levi still sees him here or there but today is different. 

During the rest of the day he senses someone watching him, but he gets disappointed when he finds out it’s only Mike keeping an eye on him. That means Erwin has told him to, though. Is Erwin gone? _ Where the hell is he? _ Levi keeps wondering as he can’t keep still and tries desperately to find something to do. He ends up offering to clean the soldiers’ barracks, which makes almost everyone gasp and Darlett chuckle like the idiot he is. At the same time all the cadets run away from their beds to leave him alone. Good.    
  
He keeps busy scratching the floor as hard as he can, almost ruining it more than cleaning it, his head far too gone to truly concentrate. It’s weird that Erwin hasn’t come to look for him yet, it’s weird he’s not there, it’s just- 

Is Levi worried? No, Levi’s becoming paranoid more than worried. Paranoid and anxious that Erwin might have changed his mind about everything, about him, that he doesn’t want him there after all and that he’s going to hand him over the Military Police so that he can finally be caught and stay where he belongs. What if that’s the case? What if Erwin is going to betray him like that? No. Would he? But he needs Levi, and Levi needs to stay longer. If Erwin has done this… he needs to escape, but how can he know? Can he trust him?

No. That’s the number one rule: Levi doesn’t trust people, especially Erwin. 

Shit. He needs to talk to him, make sure nothing has changed and that he hasn’t gone too far. Has he? What he’s said to him last night isn’t nothing Erwin didn’t know already. It’s his fault, it always was, he even admitted it somehow. Levi starts rubbing a bit too much and slides his wrist on the floor ending up almost falling towards. 

“What-” Levi curses and straightens up, finally realizing it’s dinner time already and he hasn’t stopped cleaning since then. 

When he looks at the open room he tilts his head and sighs deeply. In the end he hasn’t even done a good job, but for those useless brats this is going to be better than paradise probably. He takes the white rag off from his face and leaves the mop and bucket in a corner to head to the dining hall. Levi eats alone, Aryaa still keeping her distance which Levi appreciates, although she looks positively worried, and of course Erwin isn’t there either. 

Levi is going to go crazy if he doesn’t see him soon, he needs to and he doesn’t care whether it’s because he wants to talk or just to be sure that he’s okay at this point. Is he? How could Levi know since he’s gone? Why does he want to know?  _ It doesn’t matter _ , he thinks as he shakes his head.

He tries his office and his quarters again for the hundredth time that day, but both rooms are always empty. He asks Mike, Hange, he even asks Darlett but none of them seem to know or care to reply. Levi checks every place he knows, even the near forest, eventually going to town and trying there. Still nothing, though. Usually Levi is good at finding people, at following them, but with Erwin he seems to be completely clueless, especially because there’s the possibility he could already be off to the Capital and that’s too far for him to catch up with him. Levi really hopes he’s not there. But where could he be?

What if he’s gone there and those damn pigs have all decided he’s done a bad job with Levi and he’s going to end up in prison? Fuck. Levi suddenly realizes that he can’t let that happen, he wouldn’t, not after remembering Erwin’s face from the day they had talked about it. He would rather save that asshole just to kill him himself a second later than let him rot in there.

It’s late evening when Levi checks the office again. Nothing. Fuck! Like an angry, troubled fury he heads to Erwin’s room for the last time, imagining not to find him there either because he’s losing all hope and he’s ready to spend a sleepless night to make plans on how to disappear completely. He slams the door open with a sound kick without even bothering to knock. 

A mistake. 

Erwin is standing right in front of the bed while turned toward the bathroom door, and Levi catches him just when he’s taking his shirt off, showing off broad shoulders along with his sculpted back, ending up half naked, only his trousers still on without the gear. He freezes at the sudden, unexpected sight illuminated by the white light of a full moon. He’s supposed (and he does) to feel relieved because he’s finally found him and he’s not actually gone, but Levi can’t help but not find any words to say, only to keep staring at him for several breathless seconds. 

Erwin turns his head, his white shirt still in his hands, to look at Levi. Then, he turns completely and Levi’s mouth runs dry, eyes widening and reflecting the dark sparkling silver of the night in them. He scans Erwin’s athletic large torso slowly, taking his time to suffer the pleasant shiver that runs down his spin at the view. Eventually he rests his eyes near Erwin’s collarbone and sees something he had almost forgotten: the scar he’d left him that distant horrible day, when he’d bitten him. He swallows hard, moving his eyes away quickly because he doesn’t want to think about that yet another time, no need to. 

Luckily Erwin breaks the silence clearing his throat loudly as he slightly tilts his head to the side, a strand of blond hair leaning away from his face. 

“Yes?” His voice his low, and where Levi has been expecting hesitation and uncertainty there’s only the usual confidence and politeness. Damn this man.

“I-” Levi’s mouth is drier than he thinks and he needs to lick his lips and swallow one more time to find his voice again. “I was looking for you.” 

Erwin raises his eyebrows, as if that was totally weird. At what game is he playing? “What for?” 

Before Levi can answer his eyes fly down to Erwin’s hands placing the shirt on the bed and then starting to undress his trousers too. He looks up fast, feeling the room getting warmer, and blinking several times to let himself come back to reality. “You’ve been gone all day.” 

“I’m aware.” Erwin pops the first button open and Levi shivers, again. What the hell? 

“Have you gone to the capital?” Levi asks, his only excuse to be there.

“What?” Erwin stops, half-way through lowering his trousers down, looking up at Levi from his nearly bent position. “No.” 

The maddening heaviness Levi’s been feeling all day disappears, he sighs. _ Thank god.  _ Still, he’s too curious to leave it at that now, bothered by the fact that he hasn’t been able to track him down too. 

“Where were you?”

“Why do you want to know? I’d thought you would have enjoyed one day of freedom.”

“Freedom?” 

“Well, kind of.” Erwin finishes undressing himself and when he straightens up he ends up in his pants only. Levi doesn’t look away, feeling a strong, hot pang of sweet confusion in his stomach. It feels like the beginning of getting drunk, only he’s never been this sober.

“You haven’t answered me.” 

Erwin sighs, running one sluggish hand through his golden hair, and Levi finds himself wanting to do the exact same to him, envious of the man’s own fingers. He shakes his head slightly to shoo the insane thought away, what is he thinking? It’s easy to lose focus, though.  _ Insane. _

“Home. I went home.” 

Levi doesn’t know what to reply at that. Home. It’s the last thing he was expecting, he almost  thought Erwin’s home was his office, not…  _ Home.  _

When Levi still hasn’t talked, Erwin sighs again, drawing attention on him. “Do you mind?” 

Levi concentrates on Erwin again. “Huh?” Mind what?

“Listen, Levi, I’m tired. I just want to take a bath and go to sleep.”

At that, Levi understands, helped by the fact that Erwin’s hands are resting on his hips near his pants. A bath, oh. 

“It’s not like I’ve never seen a man naked before. Or you.” Levi says, unperturbed. 

That’s true, Levi thinks, but they aren’t kids anymore. Erwin isn’t a skinny, ugly child anymore, and Levi isn’t a eight-year-old. If only Erwin knew what kind of reaction his body is digging out of Levi’s heart and soul, maybe he would stop. Would he? Levi feels like a victim in front of him. A victim of strong muscles, tanned skin, a tired but handsome face, and his own forbidden thoughts. 

Erwin shrugs, thinking Levi must be right, and takes his pants off too. Luckily for Levi, he turns around almost immediately, leaving his suddenly thirsty eyes to drink from the view of his back, his toned backside, and his long fit legs. 

Fuck, Levi doesn’t think he’s ever felt this kind of attraction for anyone before, and it’s so weird and infuriating to feel it now, on a night like that and after such an anxious day. Actually, Levi is not even sure he’s ever felt attraction, period. Why does it have to be Erwin, though? Why him? Levi pretends not to listen to his brain telling him it could never have been anyone else, and stands still as the other man enters the bathroom and leaves the door ajar. What?

Levi hears Erwin getting into what sounds to be an already filled up with water bath.  _ Go away. Go back to your room. Move.  _ His legs are still, his fists clench.  _ For fuck’s sake, move!  _ Nothing. Levi seems to be stuck in Erwin’s room, his body refusing to listen to his commands, and his inner self craving for something else entirely. Something that reminds of Erwin’s powerful body on him the night they’d fought, of his hands around his neck almost taking his life away, of his blue eyes always watching him, of his hands touching his chest, of Erwin bent over him to help him write, of his desire to just lean in and-

Something that makes Levi feel hot, like he’s burning from inside out, the air around him thick and hardly enough for him to think clearly. Then, Levi’s mind goes numb with desire, need, like the one he would feel when looking for either pain or drugs, looking for a way to feel alive, but this is more than that. What Levi’s feeling, or rather what he’s not even realizing he’s feeling in the chaos of his darkening thoughts, is something rooted much more deeper inside of him. A warm, unbreakable bond that has been connecting him with Erwin for a lifetime. 

Instead of turning around and leaving Erwin’s quarters, Levi finds himself opening the bathroom’s door completely and stepping inside the room, illuminated only by a weak candle, without making so much of a sound. His vision is clouded, his legs have a life of their own, his hands slightly shake. What is he doing? He doesn’t notice Erwin turning his head towards him and looking at him with exhausted surprise on his face. 

He doesn’t notice it when he kneels down in front of the bathtub, the floor under him cold and dirty, or when he looks at Erwin with heavy-lidded eyes for one intense second before dipping his hand inside the hot calm water. Slowly, but feeling the need growing drastically inside his flaming body, Levi moves his hand from the edge of the bathtub to Erwin’s taut chest. Erwin inhales deeply, almost jerking away from him. 

“Levi…” He whispers, tilting his head and looking down at Levi’s uncertain, but hungry hand.  _ What are you feeling? Do you feel what I feel? Is it this painful for you, too?  _ Levi thinks, desperate to know, but not saying a word. He barely moves his lips when Erwin talks, he doesn’t care, he won’t stop, not unless Erwin pushes him away and yells at him. 

_ Do you want me?  _ A new, important question raises in Levi’s mind. Does he want Erwin, too?

As if in a dream Levi stops taking responsibility for his own actions and slides his slim fingers over Erwin’s upper body, leaving traces of fire behind. He’s breathless, not looking at Erwin’s face but focusing only at his tough, tanned skin wet from the water. The intensity of his touch increases when he reaches for his collarbones, stroking near Erwin’s pink scar as if he was studying a way to both remove it and making it deeper. Both Erwin and he start breathing faster, the air between them unbearably dense, but Levi’s lungs are only filled with the smell of naked flesh and thrilling hesitation. 

Erwin doesn’t say a word, he doesn’t move, and the night turns into a lazy dance made of exploration and expert fingertips discovering a new, old body. A body illuminated by honeyed light, looking like a golden statue, that Levi needs, wants, hates and loves. A body different from any other, a body so strong but so mellow under the touch of his still shaking hand. 

Levi’s knees are starting to hurt, but he doesn’t care. His hand never ventures beneath Erwin’s navel, instead it goes higher. When he accidentally grazes one of his fingers against Erwin’s hard nipple he hears the blond gasp, shivering at the sensation, and Levi sees his hands leaning over the edges of the bathtub.

Still lost in his longing Levi doesn’t care when his hand caresses up Erwin’s neck, feeling him swallow hard, ending up cupping his sharp jaw. Levi is not looking at him in the eyes, turning his head eager to watch Erwin’s lower body’s reactions, ignoring his own. His thumb strokes Erwin’s cheek, explores his face, and ends up brushing his lower lip slowly. Erwin’s soft mouth parts almost immediately at that, his tongue  _ almost  _ flicking over Levi’s finger, and he can hear his heart pounding loudly in his chest. The wet touch sends a shock down Levi’s body, his pants too tight, his breath fastening, and he has to squeezes his eyes shut. Fuck. 

Barely willing Levi moves his hand away from Erwin’s parted lips, that  _ almost  _ follow Levi’s fingers, and runs it down his toned body that’s glimmering in moisture. This time it’s faster, stronger, pressing down without kindness or hesitancy. This time Levi wants a true reaction from Erwin. When his small, but agile hand crawls down Erwin’s stomach like a cunning snake to end up resting possessively on his inner thigh, near the conjunction with his hips, he gets what he wants, what he’s been wishing to hear. 

Erwin moans, softly but with a hint of desperation in his muffled voice, and his legs slightly part in the small space of the bathtub. Then Levi opens his silver eyes, that glow like burning stars in the dim light of the room, and looks at him still feeling like reality is miles away from them and can’t reach them.   

When their eyes finally lock, as if they were meant to do so, Levi touches him. Another soft sound escapes Erwin’s mouth, and Levi can’t resist and follows him as his other hand flies to stroke himself once. Erwin is already hard and wet both from the water and his leaking arousal under the palm of Levi’s owning hand. Levi only caresses him at first, teasing unintentionally, only meaning to test his ground, until something like a dark, demanding sparkle turns on in Erwin’s blue eyes and Levi knows he has to move faster. 

As his hand starts moving up and down, steadfast and strong enough to make Erwin feel the lust that’s eating Levi alive, Levi can’t help but stare at him. He’s breathtaking. He’s always been, but there’s something right now that makes Levi feel drunk in desire and yearning. Erwin’s face is a picture of increasing ecstasy, his full pink lips parted and made to be kissed, his smooth cheeks flushed, his damp blond hair falling partly on his forehead, his vibrant excited eyes burning him alive. Still, he looks much more composed than how Levi used to look like while completely lost thanks to the alcohol and drugs he would take once. But Levi doesn’t mind. That’s good, that’s a genuine reaction. 

Levi lets himself feel it all. The look of trust not to break him but only please him on Erwin’s face, the smell of sex in the air, the painfully hard cock in his hand, he feels it all. He needs to. Levi finds himself wishing for more, he wishes he could get rid of his own clothes, get into the bathtub and feel Erwin entirely. He wishes, but instead he even stops touching himself to give Erwin all of his attention. He pumps him harder, faster now, Erwin biting his lower lip down so hard a drop of blood comes out of it. 

Levi’s eyes darken deeply at the sight, his skilful hand wrapped around him bringing Erwin over the edge. Erwin’s chest falls and rises erratically, trusting his hips against Levi’s hand, and his hands squeeze hard around the bathtub’s borders as he arches his back up and finally comes. A loud, low groan leaves his mouth as he does and pleasure spreads all over his face, blue eyes still locked with Levi’s. Erwin’s body relaxes after that, and he runs his thumb over his bleeding lip to clean the blood. Licking his finger innocently to do so. 

It’s too much. 

“Fuck.” Levi comes back to reality with a shaky whisper, and it hits him like a strong slap in the face. 

Fuck. What has he done? What has just happened? 

Without giving Erwin a chance to talk, to stop him, to even look at him Levi stands up and storms off his room faster than light. He couldn’t be angrier at himself than he is right now. Luckily for him his room is only a few meters away and he can hide himself in there, slamming the door hard behind him. He leans, almost bumps against it, and furious and confused as he is he remembers how also painfully hard he still is. His body on fire, desperate for touch. He can’t help it, he can’t make it go away. Fuck. 

He almost yanks his trousers and pants half down his legs and takes his erection in his still wet hand, not caring about the noises he might be making, and finishes himself off quickly. He thinks of Erwin, although he wishes he wasn’t, as he was coming under him. Because of him. He thinks of Erwin taking him and kissing him. Shit. The image of Erwin’s pleading, muscular body and his flushed perfect face in his head drive Levi crazy and, stroking himself up and down without so much of a technique or care with one hand, and tugging his black hair with the other, he comes in less than a minute, making a mess of himself. 

He moans loudly, because the relief is heavenly, and drops, with his pants still down, on the floor. He crutches down, his head in his hands, and tries to calm his breath. What has he done? Now that everything is quiet and there’s nothing to distract his mind, Levi understands and realizes this time he’s really fucked everything up.

But what about Erwin? He didn’t stop him. He enjoyed it. 

Levi eventually stands up, takes all of his clothes off, and drops on the bed exhausted and miserable. Between rushing thoughts and flashing new memories that he can’t escape, he eventually falls asleep. 

He doesn’t dream. 

***

The lessons stop. 

Levi still practices alone in his room, alone like he used to when he was a child, but when faced with Erwin he refuses to do anything. Erwin sadly agrees, too. He spends most of the time thinking and rethinking about what he has done, driving himself mad, and doesn’t even dare to look Erwin in the eyes. They eat together with the others, Levi always one person away from him, they train together but they don’t spar like before, they stay closed in Erwin’s office but none of them says a word. Levi tries to enjoy Aryaa’s company as much as he can, hoping she’ll have enough spirit to distract him, but when those hours pass he finds himself thinking about Erwin all over again. 

He chooses not to avoid him, though. Yes, they don’t talk and they barely look at each other, but Levi doesn’t leave and he doesn’t put up a fight. He knows it’s useless and he can see, when Erwin isn’t watching, the same feeling of confusion and panic in the other’s face. 

For the next quiet four days Erwin tries to talk to Levi only twice. The first time Levi lets him because it could be something important, but as soon as he mentions the word bathroom Levi leaves. The second time Levi doesn’t even listen to the first three words that he’s already shutting him up. Erwin doesn’t try again, he knows best, and Levi silently thanks him. 

He wants to pretend nothing has ever happened just like they had done with the writing accident, but this is worse. Much worse. And it’s all Levi’s fault… His instincts have betrayed him, he hasn’t listened to his mind screaming to get away, and now he has to face the consequences. Luckily for him they don’t seem to be that hard on him. It’s not like Erwin has gotten mad, it’s not like he has kicked Levi out. They’re still there, Erwin still working and Levi still waiting, still planning a way to accomplish his own mission. 

One day Levi is forced to go to this important meeting with all the soldiers reunited where he finds out that they are soon to go out onto the next expedition, more or less in a week. He, standing next to Erwin as they both wait for Shadis to talk, looks at the blond sideways when he hears that they’ll be using his beloved formation this time. Erwin looks like nothing is happening at all, but Levi can see in the look of his eyes that he’s both proud and nervous. Levi shrugs, eventually, thinking that finally someone clever is taking over. He curses himself a bit for the indirect compliment, but he doesn’t care that much at this point. 

Erwin seems colder and stiffer, after that, while he works bent over his desk during the day. Levi stares more, studying him, thinking that maybe this would be a perfect distraction for him to finally find those damn documents. However, he doesn’t take advantage. He can wait. Besides, from what he understands, it’s almost sure that Erwin has them on himself at all times and Levi couldn’t possibly get close now. Or could he? Could he pretend and just- 

No. 

He’s a damn idiot because he could have looked for them in his room the other night instead of… 

Damn it. He can’t do much about it now, though. What it’s done is done and he can’t go back, although that’s what he keeps thinking about. A million of ‘if only’ rush in his mind, making him lose control and focus of the situation. Erwin doesn’t seem to notice him anymore, though, not now that he has to make sure his plan will work. Levi believes that it will, if nothing else fucks it up, it’s a good plan. A good plan would be talking to him again, he’s probably going to need that, isn’t he? Or does he just… miss him? What an impossible, crazy thought.

It’s night when Levi, bored, lying down on the sofa and facing the ceiling, breaks the unbearable silence.  

“Hey, Eyebrow.” He calls by his long lost nickname, his voice calm and cool. Levi looks at Erwin from his position, his grey eyes moving only, as he sees him slowly raising his head and frown. He stops writing whatever he’s writing.

“Yes?” He doesn’t sound too amused to be called that. Well, whatever. 

Levi looks back up, unwilling to rest his gaze on Erwin’s tired face as he asks something that none of them was expecting him to ask. Something he hasn’t asked in ages, literally. 

“Read to me.” 

Erwin looks at him perplexed for several long seconds, his cheeks slightly flushing, before he clears his throat to speak. “I have nothing to read to you.” It sounds like he’s apologizing. 

Levi shrugs. “Don’t care. Just read whatever you have under your eyes there, it’s fine.” 

“...” Another confused, curious silence. “Why?” Erwin asks, possibly aware that his reports are not the most interesting thing to read and that Levi’s request does sound peculiar. 

Levi is the one who blushes now. He could tell Erwin that he’s bored, that even that would be better than the neverending silence before he can go to sleep, but it would be lying. The truth is that he likes hearing Erwin’s voice, he always did, it always made him feel better, and that now that the silence between them has grown so much he finds himself needing it not to lose his mind. He can’t tell him that, not even under torture. 

“Whatever. If you don’t want to you can forget it, I’ll live anyway.” Levi snaps to defend himself quickly, turning on the sofa to lie on his side and face the fabric of the couch.

Levi hears Erwin hesitate, but after a minute he starts talking, reading. Levi sighs in relief when he does, not sure why, and finds himself not caring about what he’s saying at all -something about titans, the camp, funds, soldiers and plans- only to focus on the sound of his voice that manages to fill the room perfectly. As minutes go by he loses himself in the pleasant, calming noise of his words that come out of his mouth one after the other as a sweet lullaby in a foreign language. Levi slowly ends up curling up on the sofa, just as he would as a wild child during those days when he still couldn’t talk and he’d let Erwin read to him. 

It’s a weird, soothing sensation that warms him inside and makes him feel safe. He closes his eyes and flashes of the old forest run in his mind, he can almost feel it, smell it. He can almost make himself believe they are there again, young and free. The only difference now is that Erwin’s voice isn’t high and childish anymore, instead it’s low, deep, confident. It’s the voice of the man he finds so fascinating and that he’s supposed to hate. Levi still appreciates it, though, ignoring how a shiver rushes down his spine from time to time, depending on Erwin’s tone. 

He slowly drifts to sleep, barely realizing it. It’s a quiet sleep, one in which he doesn’t dream, but he does rest. 

Levi doesn’t know how much time passes before he feels one hand on his back waking him up. He jerks awake sitting up in a quick motion, still not completely aware of his surroundings, almost going against Erwin as he does. He stops when the man steps back and raises his hands up, showing he’s harmless.

“You fell asleep.” Erwin simply says, eventually lowering his arms and waiting for Levi to stand up and understand what has happened. 

“Are you done?” Levi asks, looking at Erwin’s desk, and then right back at him. 

“Yes. You can go to your room, now. I wasn’t sure whether I had to wake you or not, though. You seemed so…” 

“So what?”

“Peaceful.” Erwin says, offering a light smile, his memories of Levi sleeping next to him in the glade too clear in the deep blue of his eyes. It hurts.

Levi stays silent, staring up at him and finding himself incapable of looking away after all this time. Erwin stares back, smile dropping and eyebrows raising up. 

“I’ll be going, then. See you tomorrow, Levi.” He says eventually breaking the tense eye-contact and turning around.  

“Wait.” Levi hears himself saying. Wait what? Erwin turns around almost immediately.

“Yes?”

The air around Levi gets heavier, his lungs try to fill up but breathing is suddenly hard. It feels like words are too much, being so close to Erwin is too much, the reality of things overwhelming him. 

“What happened the other night…” He begins uncertain. He can’t be like that, though, not if he wants this to work. He clears his throat, shaking his head, and looks up right at Erwin. Hesitation gone for both their sakes, pretending to believe what he’s going to say with all his heart.  

“It never happened.” Levi finishes. Erwin doesn’t even flinch. 

“Of course.” 

Why does that cold answer hurt? “And I still hate you.” Levi adds, narrowing his eyes, making sure Erwin doesn’t get the wrong idea, not on the outside at least, because Levi knows that’s probably not true at all.  

At that, Erwin slightly smirks. It’s brief, so small, but Levi sees it. 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Levi.” Erwin says and Levi’s eyes widen open, he feels anger forming in his chest. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing.” Erwin sighs. Levi raises one suspicious eyebrow “It’s fine. You still hate me, got it.” 

“It’s fine?” Levi asks, tilting his head and not trusting Erwin at all. 

“Do you want me to beg you not to? I thought I had made it clear enough that I’m not against that, I agree with your reasons.” 

Levi freezes, aware the he knows this already, but said with such calm it’s… It’s different, and he doesn’t like it. It makes everything easier, but harder at the same time, it’s not even fair. 

“You really are sorry..” Levi says, lowering his eyes to the wooden floor and talking more to himself than him, but Erwin hears it. 

“Yes. Of course I am.” 

Levi’s heart tightens in his chest. “Do you hate me?” He asks then, no idea where that comes from, but completely honest. Erwin seems surprised, too. 

“No.” He replies without hesitation, though. “I probably wouldn’t hate you even if you gave me a good reason to, Levi.” 

Levi’s silver eyes shoot up to stare at Erwin, incredulous and annoyed by his frankness, his naivety. Erwin’s an idiot, but god, don’t those words make Levi feel so much better? Like he has a chance before the worst. Will Erwin hate him then? He kind of hopes so, even if it hurts, so that he doesn’t have to feel guilty and alone in this. 

“I’m going to need you at your best next week, for the expedition. Can you do that?” Erwin continues as Levi doesn’t have the courage to bring himself to reply to his kind, painful words. 

“Yeah.” He says, moving his eyes away from Erwin’s deep stare for the last time. 

“Thank you.” Erwin smiles and Levi only nods before walking away quickly, dizzy from Erwin’s presence once again too close for him to think properly. 

He needs more sleep. 

 

***

 

“Aaaah!” Aryaa exclaims in a satisfied sigh as she hits the wooden ruined table with her huge glass, empty now. “That was good!” 

Levi lets her laugh in the loud noise of the tavern that surrounds them both and shakes his head, softly smiling at her. She’s been the one to convince him to go out for the night, after the talk with Erwin, to break the routine, and the one to bring him to a lousy inn to drink and chat. She’s said she didn’t want to spend one of the last nights before the expedition at camp with the others and forced him to agree. Levi’s said yes because anything would have been better than more awkward silence with Erwin, and so he has found himself there, where the air stinks of piss and alcohol and people are far too drunk to understand what they’re doing. 

At least they sound happy, though. 

“Can you even drink?” Levi asks her, raising his voice a bit for necessity.

“What does that mean!” Aryaa laughs more, ordering another pint.

“Aren’t you too young?” 

“Who cares! I’m old enough to have fun.” 

“Whatever you say.” Levi rolls his eyes and sips his own drink too, even though he’s aware it won’t have any effect on him and he’s determined not to get drunk at all that night. Someone will have to take Aryaa back to camp. 

“Come on, drink! You can just sip like an old lady drinking tea, god.” Aryaa scolds him, scowling deeply at him, already too much tipsy with her eyes sparkling and her skin slightly sweating. 

“I’d rather have a cup of tea right now, actually.” 

She freezes and widens her eyes, mouth open. “You can’t be serious. Man. You didn’t just say that.” 

“I’m afraid yes, sorry for the disappointment.” Levi half-jokes, rolling his eyes again. It’s crazy how many times he finds himself doing that while in her presence. 

“Now you have to pay.” 

“What? What are you-” 

“Drink! Drink! Drink!” She starts slamming her fists on the table and shouting the word over and over. It doesn’t take long at all for all the people in the inn to turn towards them, scream and laugh, and then start saying the same word along with Aryaa. All focused on Levi, all drunk, all wanting Levi to end up the same. Too bad for them. 

“Drink! Drink! Drink!” The chorus gets louder and Levi only manages to exchange a pity look with the bartender, who gives him a smile. The only one who seems to understand what Levi is going through. 

“Fine!” Levi says, as they cheer him. “Just shut up already.” 

He takes the full huge glass in his hand and drinks it all in one shot. It takes him several seconds, in which he also manages to pour some of the beer over his neck, and finally slams the pint down. 

“There. Done.” Everyone explodes in an excited applause and Aryaa laughs happily. 

“That’s my boy!” And she drinks too. “How are you feeling? That was a lot to drink all at once.” She asks gloating, proud of her work. 

Levi shrugs. “I’m fine.” And it’s true. 

“What!” 

The crowd cheers for him again, evidently impressed. Levi looks at them with a bored face. Ah, he didn’t mean to draw attention to himself, that’s always a bother. Aryaa is still shocked, but someone else gets closer to Levi, looking at him with challenge spread all over his face. Levi turns his head and looks up at a big- no, not big- a huge man. Levi has to bend his neck all over to look at him in the eyes from where he’s seated, but he’s not scared. He’s never scared of big guys with dirty hair and tough bellies. They’re all useless idiots. 

“What do you want?” 

The large, ugly man laughs. Even his laughter sounds idiotic. “I saw how that didn’t do anything to you.” He says, pointing at Levi’s empty glass. 

“Yeah? So?” Levi’s so done already. Aryaa only watches them talk, her usual grin never leaving. 

“That’s unusual for someone your size.” The man continues, making fun of him and looking down at him as if he was nothing but an annoying bug. 

“You’re really hurting me if you say that, you know? How will I ever get over it?” Levi says, his tone of voice cold and sarcastic. 

The other only laughs more, sitting down next to Aryaa in front of him with a loud bump, and rubbing his filthy hands together. 

“Bring us the strongest thing you have! And a lot of glasses!” He shouts, turning towards the poor bartender, and Levi has already understood what he wants.  _ Why? _ He wonders exasperated. The bartender does as he’s been told and everyone, curious as they are, gather around to watch. Aryaa has shifted on her sit, but she looks just as excited as everyone else, as she keeps drinking without shame. She’s probably already drunk too, great. 

“Aryaa, let’s go.” Levi stands up to leave, but Aryaa doesn’t move. 

“Whaaat? Were are you going?” 

“I’m not doing this.” Levi says, sighing, and the big man in front of him raises his eyebrows up, pleased with himself. As if he had already won, tch, he can hope. 

“Afraid we can’t take it, are we?” He mocks him, pouring the first two tiny glasses with whatever the bartender has brought him. Levi doesn’t even look at him, thinking that he must be really naive if he thinks Levi’s scared, and instead he keeps staring at Aryaa. 

“Come on.” 

“No! Please, I don’t wanna go.” She begs, half-laughing half-pouting. 

“Why don’t you listen to your little girlfriend here?” Levi’s eyebrows shoot up. 

Aryaa bursts out in a loud, amused laughter. “What are you saying! I’m not his girlfriend! He’s old and, besides, he wouldn’t want me anyway. You know,” Aryaa leans over the table and watches everyone around her to give the news. “his heart has already been stolen by a blond gorgeous man. Oh, I bet even Erwin would like you to drink and have fun!” 

Yes. She’s definitely drunk by now -when has she even had the time to drink that much?- and Levi is going to kill her. Right here right now. 

Levi sits back at the table. People cheer. 

He burns Aryaa with a lethal look, and then turns to stare at the absurdly annoying man who has challenged him to this. 

“What do you want to get out of this? It’s about who lasts the most, right?” 

He nods, and everyone gives them another round of enthusiastic yells. “You got money on you?” He asks Levi. 

“Not much.” He shrugs. 

“Mhh, that won’t do. Is there something you can offer me? Except for a nasty blowjob, you can keep that for your beloved blondie,  _ honey _ .” 

Levi doesn’t let the words get to him. “Anyone you don’t like particularly?”

“Huh? What does that have to do with anything?” 

“Uuuuuh! He’s pulling the criminal thing! You better accept it, big man. He’s reaaally good!” Aryaa says and giggles, which only makes Levi shake his head. Well, it’s not like anyone there is part of the military police or whatever. He can risk it, besides no one knows who he is yet. 

“You telling me you can take care people I don’t like?” 

“Pretty much.” Levi nods. 

“Anyone?”

“Yep. Not children, though.” 

“I wouldn’t want a child hurt!” He exclaims insulted.

“Good.” Levi is almost surprised. “Is that good for you?” 

“Yeah. It’s more than good!” He laughs and hands him a glass, the crowd whistles. “What do you want in case you win? Even though I seriously doubt that.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut about what I’ve offered you tonight.” Levi says, not really caring and knowing the man can’t really offer him anything. Then, he looks around. “That goes for everyone else here. If I win, no one says a word. Or I will know.” 

Some people nod, some laugh, some insult him. Whatever. He takes the small full glass from the other’s hand and raises it up. 

“Levi.” He introduces himself, and drinks up. The first glass gone. He doesn’t show it but his throat burns a little, the taste of alcohol already everywhere with force in his mouth. That stuff really is strong, but Levi can take it and he knows it.

“Bogdan.” The other says with a proud, insufferable smirk and drinks too. 

They go on like that for several minutes, drinking up and never showing a sign of defeat, and for every glass they empty the people around them go crazy. Aryaa too, who keeps cheering for Levi like the young pest she is. Levi should have known she likes these kind of things, her vitality should have been a big hint for him. He’s not exactly enjoying himself, but since Aryaa has said that thing about Erwin he needs a quick distraction to forget him already, and this seems good enough.  _ His heart has been stolen _ … how dare she? He drinks up, rolling his eyes, trying to remember how innocent she really is. She doesn’t know anything, and that’s better. She was just joking. 

… 

He needs to drink more, now. 

After their fifteenth drink of what tastes and feels like the beverage of Satan himself Bogdan burps loudly, which is disgusting, and Levi can see that his head is probably starting to spin since he can’t stand straight. He smirks. 

“Sure you can do this, tough boy?” He teases, drinking from another glass as if it was water. 

“What are you talking about? We only just started!” He takes Levi’s challenge, which is exactly what Levi wanted, and drinks quickly not letting his body the time to adjust to the giddy feeling.

They eventually get to the thirtieth drink and while Bogdan looks like he’s just as drunk as he can be, Levi starts to feel the effects of the alcohol. Shit. His head starts spinning and he feels dizzy, his cheeks warming up, his hands shaking a bit and not completely in control. He has to blink several times to refocus his vision and when he sees Aryaa making faces and making fun of Bogdan next to her, without him noticing, Levi chuckles, not able to avoid it. 

“I hope-” Bogdan hiccups. “I hope you’re ready to kill a whole town, boy, ‘cause I ain’t giving up.” 

Levi chuckles more, amused by the oh, so terrible threat. “Always am. Just not for scum like you.” 

“Uuuh, that burns, doesn’t it?” Aryaa shouts in Bogdan’s ear, who annoyedly drinks from yet another glass. Levi is counting them, he’s not going to last. In fact, he hopes he doesn’t because he doesn’t want to get too drunk too. He has to ask the bartender what the hell is this because it’s working wonders. The thing he doesn’t like most about getting drunk is that it reminds him of bad, awful times and that…

“You know, if you’d only had a prettier face I would have seriously thought about that blowjob. I like my men tall and strong.” He ends up saying things like that, things he doesn’t even think, just to tease. Damn it, the alcohol is making his mouth talk without his permission. Well, at least it worked, because Bogdan looks angry and horrified now, his huge eyes coming out of his orbits, and he drinks three glasses in a row. 

There’s another round of whistles from the crowd around them, but as soon as Bogdan slams the glasses down- 

His heavy head falls down on the table in a thud, making the glasses shake, and passes out. 

Levi drinks his last drink, just to show off, and smiles. The people around them burst into a crazy cheer and a couple of men pat Levi’s back vigorously to compliment him. Levi can barely take those strong pats, his sight slightly clouded and only the smell of sweat and alcohol around him. He looks at Aryaa, tilting his head almost desperately but still smiling.

“You did it” I know you would!” She laughs until she can’t anymore. “That last thing you said was such a good move, you little shit!” 

No one has ever called him like that without actually meaning it as an insult, and the friendly nickname mixed with the alcohol in his body makes Levi feel warmer inside. Happy, almost, like he believes for a second that he could actually live a life where friends are well accepted and nights like this, where he can relax and let go of the usual tension, can exist without problems. Like it’s normal, it’s natural. 

Levi wonders what would it be like to get drunk, or near it, with Erwin and for once he doesn’t stop his thoughts at once. It’s a nice idea, and he laughs to himself thinking of Erwin, so serious and stoic all the time, losing control. He probably becomes pretty ridiculous when he does, he can feel it. Then, he remembers that at Aryaa’s age Erwin actually used to do this, enjoying the night while drinking, and the thought of a young handsome Erwin is even better. It is, until he remembers of that day when he’d seen him in that alley with that other boy and Levi has to force himself not to get an unwanted erection in the middle of the tavern while he thinks about it. He, luckily, manages. At least he’s not  _ that  _ drunk yet.

“He’s paying.” Levi stands up, looking first at Bogdan still passed out on the table under him and then at the bartender, who nods in understanding. As he gets up, though, Levi feels dizzier than before and almost stumbles back. Fuck, okay, maybe he shouldn’t have drunk that last glass. 

When Aryaa stands up she’s not much better, and she does actually stumble forward, but someone manages to grab her from behind to save her from the direct fall towards the table. She thanks them quickly and joins Levi. They both get going as he tries to stand on his feet better and as Aryaa waves goodbye to everyone, pretending to cry from the sudden departure. People shout them goodbye too, and then go back to their evening, which has turned into a very late night.

As soon as they step outside the inn fresh, but still warm air invades their lungs and they can finally breathe again. Levi finds a bit of sense and control again, his head clearing up for the moment, but Aryaa is still far gone and as she keeps laughing for no reason at all, mumbling something about Levi being awesome, he has to put her arm over his shoulders to hold her up. 

“You’re unbelievable.” Levi says, smiling as he turns toward her. 

“I’m the best! Admit it, you had fun! I bet this was the most fun you’ve ever had, old man. I showed you a whole new world, baby.”  

“I wouldn’t really count on that.” Levi smirks, not sure whether she’s right or not. She probably is, at least this time he had fun in a ‘healthy’ way. “You know, you have no right to say anything right now, I didn’t forget what you said before.” 

“Ahhhh! I was hoping you would forget.” She chuckles amused, her feet barely putting themselves one after the other. “I did it to make you accept the ch-” It seems like the word it’s too hard to say. “The chall-” 

She grunts annoyed. “That thing!” 

At that Levi can’t help but laugh lightly, shaking his head and trying to sober up someway. They manage to walk till the end of the town without problems, Aryaa talking nonsense and Levi supporting her and finding her even too amusing for his own tastes. As they take the only empty road that brings back to camp she suddenly gets down, freeing herself from Levi, and falls down on her back once she hits the ground.

“The hell are you doing?”

“I don’t want to walk anymore!” She pouts and crosses her arms on her chest as she rests at the side of the road lying down. 

“Get the fuck up, come on.” Levi says in a muffled laugh and rolling his inebriated eyes that glimmer in the dark starry night. What is she doing? 

“Nope!” She grabs his leg and brings him down with her, he barely manages to sit down normally without going down like sack of potatoes. 

“I didn’t want to sit down.” 

“Lie down with me, then!” He does, and they find themselves looking up at the shining stars that look slightly out of place, as if they were moving, now that he can’t actually see straight and his head has spinned once again while he lied down. 

She turns her head to look at him, he does the same, but they only last three seconds in silence until she bursts out in laughter and Levi frowns deeply. “You look so dumb from this close!” She palms his face and turns his head to the other side, as she keeps grinning. 

“I will remind you how I can kill a man in less than a few seconds.” He says, trying to sound menacing, but not convincing her at all. He turns to face her again and she smiles as she looks at him. It’s a fond smile, one that spreads friendship and life. A smile that Levi isn’t used to see anymore, different from Erwin’s old one too. It’s Aryaa’s smile, it’s all her and Levi loves it right now, feeling like he couldn’t have picked anyone better to spend his time with. With one exception, maybe.

Being half-drunk makes him feel too much, and he’s getting slightly bothered that he can’t stop it. 

“You’re really pretty, though. Dumb, but pretty.” She giggles as she studies him with her big green eyes. 

“I wish people would stop saying that.” Levi confesses even though he didn’t mean to. 

“Huh? What do you mean? It’s fun to be called pretty!” 

“You’re pretty.” Levi says, deadly serious while looking at her. She falls silent, lips parted and eyes wide open. An obvious ‘what?’ written on her face.

“Ahhhhh! You can’t just say things like that!” She yells and brings her hands to her flushed face, suddenly starting to roll back and forth in her spot and waving her legs up like an insect on its back. It’s childish, something someone would expect from a drunk young person, and Levi can’t help but laugh. He’s laughing a lot tonight, it’s so weird.

“Stop! Stop moving, please!” He tells her, as she doesn’t seem to calm down and ends up laughing with him. 

Eventually she does and, after drying her tears from her eyes, they both get quiet again. Levi recovers his breath and lets himself relax on the ground, feeling the breeze of the night moving his hair and drying the sweat from his forehead. It’s such a nice feeling, summer just around the corner, and the sky has never looked more calming than right now. He imagines to breathe in the nature of the forest around him instead of the air of the town, and it feels good. Maybe drinking hasn’t been such a bad idea, maybe he doesn’t have to worry too much. 

Aryaa is starting to be too quiet, though, but when Levi turns around to look at her he feels guilty. It looks like he’s caught her in the middle of some deep thought as she’s looking up at the bright stars and is smiling to herself. She looks so young, innocent, everything Levi has never had a chance to be. 

“What are you thinking about?” Levi hears himself asking, aware that that’s so unusual of him, but Aryaa doesn't notice. 

“I really love life, you know?” She says, sighing deeply with a smile on her face, looking truly happy. Still, something is off.

“Yeah, so?” Levi asks, not even caring as words just come out of his mouth. 

“Next expedition is going to be important, isn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“I’m scared.” She says, chuckling as her reaction contrast with her words. 

Levi doesn’t know what to say, he hasn’t even thought about that. He hasn’t even realized that everyone else might actually be worried to die outside the walls, whereas he has enough confidence to know that the worst that can happen to him is an injure. He doesn’t have much experience, but if all titans are like the first one then it’s easy. Maybe he doesn’t know enough, though. Maybe he should be scared too. 

She sighs again. “I just hope I’ll survive one more time, you know? It’d be great.” 

“You will.” Levi indirectly promises her, feelings suddenly sad because of her words. 

“Do you have any dreams?” She asks him, changing the subject.

Levi, dizzy as he feels, only snorts. “I don’t know.” 

“I do.” She doesn’t even listen to him. “I want to grow old and see my brothers and sister grow old and I want to hold my parents’ hand when they die and then I want to marry and have a lot of kids. Great kids, with Jesse.” She lets out an embarrassed giggle. “Hopefully by then humanity will be free and we won’t have to be caged behind these goddamn walls. I just want to have a normal life and be proud to have served in the Survey Corps. Oh, and I want to travel! I want to see what’s out there, man, it’s kinda hard not to think about it once you’ve been outside. I want to be happy.” 

She sighs again. “I just want to be happy.” 

Levi looks at her, feeling his chest tightening. He observes her profile illuminated by the stars, her soft smile, her little nose turning up, her scarred cheek. He imagines her as a mother and it makes him smile, too. She would be a great one, and her kids would probably be absurdly loud but Levi wouldn't mind them. He wonders if they’ll keep in touch after he’s done with the Corps and his job, if he’ll ever be done with it. 

“I’ll come visit when you get married.” He says what he’s thinking out loud, not even noticing. 

“Oh!” She becomes excited again in less than a second. “Will you? Really? That’ll be awesome! I’m counting on it.” She says, sitting up and pinching his chest lightly. Levi gets up too, leaning on his arms behind. 

“We’ll have tea, though.” He jokes referring to what she’s said before and she laughs heartily. 

“Sure thing baby.” … “Handshake?” 

“Oh my god, would you stop?” He pushes her to the side playfully, unaware of his strength now that he’s like that, and she groans in another laugh as she falls to her side clumsily.

“One day baby, one day.” 

After that it takes them almost an hour to get back to camp. It’s hard, it’s pleasantly painful because they laugh more than walk, and Levi’s stomach and cheeks hurt after Aryaa has finished telling him about every embarrassing story she knows about everyone at camp, but they finally make it. It feels like a relief, even though Levi doesn’t want the evening to end by this point. 

Levi feels like he’s never been this cheerful, and if before he had doubts now he knows he’s never laughed like this. Never had so much fun with someone, not this kind of fun at least. He blames and thanks the alcohol for it, knowing that never could have happened without it. It’s refreshing when he thinks about it, but he can’t help but feel like something is still off, like it’s not meant to last at all. Like a good dream that turns into a nightmare. He pushes the bad feeling away and eventually tells her goodnight, after he makes sure she's reached her barracks and has gotten into bed safely. He also has to make sure he will get to his room safely.

He really,  _ really _ , has to know what the fuck they’ve given him at that tavern, since after a good hour and a walk he still feel too dizzy to think and move clearly. 

He’s walking down the corridor that takes to his room, that looks miles and miles away from where he stands, when it happens. The thing he’s been wishing to avoid the most. He sees Erwin. He’s walking ahead of him, probably coming back from his office after a long night of working, and Levi focuses so hard not to make any noise at all but, apparently his body has a life of its own right now and he almost trips forward. Erwin turns around. 

_ Shit. Why now? Why him?  _ Levi does his best to look down at the floor and pretend not to have seen him, at all. Who’s there? Not Erwin. No one. He can do this, he can walk right past him and get to his room and finally sleep. He’s done harder things, hasn’t he? He’s a criminal, for god’s sake, this is nothing.

Of course the next step he takes makes him feel even more light-headed and he ends up supporting himself against the wall with one hand. He straightens up almost straight away, mumbling a quiet  _ fuck  _ and trying not to notice how Erwin is staring at him. 

Now walking towards him. Great. 

“Levi?”

“No, it’s the ghost of your past.” Levi says sarcastically in a low voice and rolls his eyes. When he looks up Erwin is right there in front of him, his smell somehow amplifying under Levi’s nose and making him inhale deeply without him realizing. _ It’s a nice smell.  _ Oh god, Levi can’t wait to sober up.

“Did you just come back?” Erwin asks him, and Levi groans annoyed already by the obvious question.

“Afraid I wasn’t going to come back, were you?” He snaps back and almost slaps himself on the face for the quick words that come out of his mouth. This time, though, Erwin hears it loud and clear and Levi watches him as he raises his eyebrows up and looks down at him in question. 

“Should I have been?” 

“Don’t think so, after all there’s a blond gorgeous man here who’s stolen my heart… apparently… ptf, better ask the kid about that I’m not really sure.” Levi says and embarrassing silent falls as soon as he finishes. 

He blinks once before his eyes widen open in shock, staring at the void below him. What. Has. He. Just. Said. 

Erwin coughs, surprised as well, placing his fist against his mouth and frowning down at Levi. 

“Levi-” 

Levi starts shaking his head and looks up, raising one finger up to make himself clear. “I- I wasn’t talking about-” 

A stinging pain in the head, that leaves the world to spin all around him far too fast, makes him suddenly bend over to fall forward. Erwin catches him, though, and Levi finds himself half leaning over his chest with his hands on his shoulders and his knees shaking. Well, this is new. Also terrifying, what the hell is happening? 

He looks up mortified, his eyes glowing in the dim light of the corridor. “Levi, are you drunk?”

Levi blushes deeply, moving his gaze away from Erwin’s blue one. “Tch, no.” 

Silence. Erwin gently moves him away from himself to study him better and Levi lets him, trying to stand on his own. Barely managing.

“...Maybe.”

Erwin smirks, that bastard. Levi can’t take that kind of smile right now, not in these conditions. Actually, he can’t take Erwin at all because looking at him alone makes him feel all warm and fuzzy and weird inside. Damn it. “Do you need help to get to your room?” 

“No. Shut up. I’m not  _ that  _ drunk, I can get there. It’s just a few steps away-” When he raises his eyes up towards the door his vision gets sucked up and the door looks so blurry and tiny and so far away, worse than before. Can he actually do it? Why is it that he’s feeling worse now than an hour ago, when the alcohol was freshly running in his veins? How does this work? Is Aryaa even okay? Yes, she must be, she’s sleeping safely in her bed. Why can’t he do the same?

Levi tries to take another step forward but it’s more like trying to walk into quicksand, he can’t seem to go on. 

“...” He sighs, giving up and clinging onto Erwin’s strong arm. “Just help me already, then.” 

Erwin nods and supports Levi as they both step towards the door, at least with him near he manages to walk straight. Kind of. It’s hard to say since all his dumb, drunk brain seems to be focusing on is Erwin’s body half-against him and his fit arm. It’s disgusting how much Levi likes the sensation under the palm of his weak hands. He can’t see Erwin’s face but he’s almost convinced that the man is smiling right now, as if he’d have any right to do so. Whatever. 

Eventually Erwin opens the door to his room and they step inside. The smell around Levi changes, it smells like himself now, but he’s happy to see he remembered to leave the window open. The white moonlight stream inside to illuminate his bed only, and in the dark Erwin places an arm around Levi’s waist and helps him to lie down. Levi lets him and when his head finally hits the mattress he sighs in pure relief, now that he doesn’t have to keep himself up alone and can finally relax his body. He still feel dizzy, though. Definitely not like his usual self.

He spreads his arms at his sides and closes his eyes. 

“You still here?” He says without looking at Erwin. 

“I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea to leave you alone right now.”

“Ah? Why the hell-” Levi puts a hand over his mouth and quickly turns his head to the side, propping himself against the mattress with his elbow. 

“Because you’re likely to feel sick.” Erwin points out what has just happened there and moves closer to the bed, sitting on it and moving Levi farther into the center of the mattress by grabbing him under his armpits. Levi grunts but he’s far too gone to mind. 

He’s trying to understand what’s happening right now, but he can’t. The only thing he can be sure of is that he’ll never let Aryaa take him drinking ever again and that someone must have put something in one of his drinks because that can’t be alcohol alone. He knows it isn’t, and he curses himself for having drunk already too much before noticing that sooner at the inn. 

Fuck whoever did that to him, where’s the fun in making someone feel like this if it takes so much to have an effect? Or maybe it was supposed to be an immediate effect but his body is reacting to it differently? He’ll investigate… tomorrow, though. Maybe. Right now he can’t even remember what his name is. It’s like the more time it passes the worse he feels, but also the better he feels, damn it. Like a free bird flying into an infinite sky without any worries at all, like a light feather floating into a calm nothing. It also feels like he needs to throw up, though. Ugh. 

“Just need-” Levi begins, dragging the words out lazily.

“Do you need to throw up?” Erwin asks gently, still keeping his distance. There, he gets it. But Levi doesn’t want to throw up, he can take it. He hates the feeling, it’s filthy and awful. He shakes his head from one side to the other to let Erwin know. 

“Do you want some water?” 

“Gnn…” With his eyes still closed Levi is starting to slowly drift into a dangerous sleep. He doesn’t even care if Erwin sees him like this at this point. He doesn’t care about anything at all, he just wants to stop thinking and enjoy the frivolous feeling going on inside his mind and body. 

“It’s hot…” He manages to say, suddenly feeling his neck and face warming up and his chest to tight. Damn clothes, he doesn’t want clothes. Right now Levi only wants to go back to his childhood where clothes weren’t important, he wants to go back to his trees and rivers, to his nature, he wants his old wild life back. He wants Erwin back. 

He hears Erwin shift on his bed, swallowing hard probably not knowing what to do, and then taking a deep breath. 

“Wait.” He tells him with that deep voice of him that Levi loves so much. 

Levi doesn’t even flinch when he feels Erwin’s hands brushing over his neck to get rid of his cravat, he doesn’t have the strengths. It’s a pleasant feeling, and when Erwin opens the first button of his shirt Levi shivers for the cool breeze caressing his exposed skin. Erwin immediately notices and moves to take his hand back, but Levi stops him. 

He quickly, quicker than he thought his reflexes could work, grasps Erwin’s wrist and keeps his hand pressed over his half-bared chest. Eyes still closed, thinking that Erwin was just going to walk away. 

“Don’t go-” Is this even reality anymore? It feels like a dream. It feels like the past. Nothing has ever happened yet and he’s never been angry, never been sad, never hated Erwin or himself at all. He loves it.  

Levi’s memories mix together, then. He remembers Erwin once beggining him to do the same the first time he’d let him down when he hadn’t showed up, and he remembers himself thinking it every time he didn’t want to see him go back home to leave him alone in the forest. Levi’s not even sure why and when he would think that. It’s not like he can remember anything clearly now. 

Erwin’s tense hand relaxes on Levi’s skin, softly rubbing his thumb up and down to soothe him. “I’m not going anywhere.” It’s okay.

Levi laughs lightly, suddenly, as one particular random moment comes back to his mind. 

“What is it?” Erwin asks, a smile on his face that Levi can hear, his hand still resting over him. Good, Levi doesn’t want it to go away. 

“...remember when you- when you showed me what a kiss was…” Levi snorts, then, thinking back of those days spent under their favorite tree. A place Levi still likes to think about, when he needs it the most. “...and you kissed my hand…” 

“I remember.” Erwin reassures him, sounding both amused and confused by what Levi’s trying to say. Levi’s grip on his arm gently squeezes harder, wanting to make sure Erwin is actually there. 

“...and then you told me only married people kiss on the mouth...tch…” Levi gives out another brief, muffled chuckle he can’t control. 

“Well, I must admit I wasn’t aware of how things worked quite yet. I apologize for that.” Erwin replies and when finally Levi opens his silver eyes he sees him smiling fondly down at him. 

Ah, he shouldn’t have opened his eyes. 

Erwin’s smile lightens up the whole room, Levi’s heart skips a beat and his chest rises up as he inhales deeply before his breath leaves him for several seconds. Suspended seconds in which he can’t help but stare at Erwin’s strong features, his golden silky hair falling down, his blue eyes reflecting the moon, and his full soft lips. His hand on his arm twitches, moving as to lift it. 

Erwin’s gaze looks down at his wrist, then back at Levi. 

“...you kiss someone because…” Levi half-quotes Erwin’s old words, words that had made him once brighten up with honest and innocent revelation. 

Erwin’s sweet smile starts to fade, to leave place to a surprised face, when Levi raises his hand and brings it close to his lips. He closes his eyes, too heavy to stay open, too tired to react to a possible rejection, and tenderly kisses the palm of Erwin’s hand. It rests his own moist lips there for a long moment, holding his breath, feeling the rough but soft skin against his mouth. He hears Erwin silently gasp, but he doesn’t care. 

“...because you like them…” He finishes brushing the words against Erwin’s skin, his voice low and sentimental, as he remembers the nice memory.

He barely realizes it when his fingers let go of Erwin’s hand and his mind eventually shuts down. He falls asleep slowly, delicately, like drowning in a sweet love he never knew until then and he finally finds peace. 

He’s not sure, but before completely fading away he hears Erwin's sad voice say something. 

“I like you, too.”  

 

***

 

Levi, obviously, wakes up with the worst headache of his entire life. He’s not even sure he’s ever had one, but this is killing him. When he drags his eyes open, so slowly it seems like a lifetime for him, the quiet light coming from the open window burns him. He grunts, rolling in the still done bed, to hide his face in the pillow. 

“What the hell…” It really, really hurts to be awake. 

Every sound is amplified and every signing bird that’s greeting the new summer day feels like a bullet in his brain. God, Levi wants to kill them all. And he wants to make the sun disappear. Ugh. He feels cold, too, and that’s new. When he rolls on his back again he absent-mindedly scratches his neck and- 

Where’s his cravat? Levi remembers so little of the night before… he’s not surprised to be still in his uniform, but when he notices the cravat gone and his shirt half open he does wonder whether that was him or not? He turns his head and finds it right there next to him, on the night table. Well, taking it off would make sense… He grunts again when a particular loud bird feels like it has to tell the world how much it loves life, and finally gets up. That’s the worst thing. His head pounds loudly for a couple of deadly seconds and he almost bends over the bed to keep himself steady on his feet. If this how hungover feels for normal people than he’s seriously sorry for all the drunks he’s ever met, even the worst ones. He wonders if Aryaa is feeling the same? He should go check…

And tell her that he’ll never do such thing, ever again. Tea is much better. 

He rubs his eyes and decides to wash his face, at least. After that he puts his cravat on, closes his shirt, and with a quick hand running through his black hair he leaves the room. It’s probably still too early to wake Aryaa up, though, and Levi decides to head for the only place he knows he can find some peace and quiet. He could go training, or for a run, but that’s out of the question with the state his head and body are. 

Erwin’s office is empty, but Levi doesn’t find it weird. The first and last thing he does after arriving there is slump himself on the couch and lay his head back on the header. He sighs, thankful for the silence, and tries to remember the night before… nothing. Nothing after Aryaa convincing him to take that big man’s challenge. Fantastic. 

Without realizing it Levi falls asleep for another half an hour, when suddenly the door opening wakes him up and doubles his headache. Shit. He shouldn’t have taken that short nap, now it’s worse than before. When he looks at Erwin, though, he wonders why the hell is the other man looking so surprised to see him there. He keeps staring, not moving an inch from the door. 

Levi raises one suspicious eyebrow. “Well? Are you going to stand there all day?” Damn it, even talking out loud is hard, his throat slightly burning. Has he been shouting last night? Nah, he doubts it. 

Erwin seems to come back to reality. He shakes his head, closes the door, and heads for the desk. 

“How are you feeling? I hope you haven’t felt actually sick, eventually.” Erwin asks calmly as he sits down. 

“What-” Levi blinks and another flash from last night rushes behind his eyes. He remembers going back to camp with Aryaa and meeting Erwin in the corridor to his room. Fuck.

“I don’t know. It didn’t look so this morning, at least.” Levi shrugs, feeling fine except for his head and throat. 

Erwin raises his head and looks at him with piercing, surprised eyes. “You don’t remember what happened last night?” 

“Not really.” 

“Ah.” Erwin sounds… disappointed. Oh, God, what has Levi done? “Well, you were positively drunk.” 

“Yeah, no shit. I remember that, thank you very much.” 

Erwin gives out a light chuckle. “That’s already something.” 

“I remember going out with Aryaa and seeing you… I think you… helped me get to my room? But after that it’s completely blank.” Levi tries to explain, looking at Erwin sideways, hoping he’ll tell him what has actually happened after that. 

“I see.” That’s it. That’s all Erwin tells him. Is he serious?

“You see what? What happened after that? Am I even remembering it right?” Levi’s getting nervous, he hates not knowing, especially if it concerns him personally.

“You are, don’t worry. I helped you get to your room and then you fell asleep, nothing really happened.” Erwin tells him as he already starts working, pen in his hand. 

“And I haven’t said anything weird? Haven’t tried to hit you?” He has to ask.

“No.” 

“Done anything?”

“No.” Erwin raises his gaze and smiles. “Just rest, you probably need it.” 

Levi’s not sure he believes him, but it’s not like he has any other choice. Erwin’s smile still looks off though, like he’s hiding something. Whatever, his head is too much of a bother to focus on that now, memories will probably come back on their own.  

“Yeah. Fine.”

“Ah, before you do that I have something to tell you.” Erwin says. 

“What is it?” Levi asks, closing his eyes and avoiding the light of the raising sun. 

“I won’t be here tonight, I’m afraid.” 

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“The next expedition is the day after tomorrow, so I decided to spend tonight at home. I’m just warning you since last time you seemed quite upset not to find me anywhere.” Erwin’s last sentence makes them both remember what happened that day, and it floats between them like a dangerous bomb they can’t afford to make explode. 

“Tch, that was different. You can go wherever you want.” He feels a pang of frustration and a feeling he can’t recognize in his heart at Erwin’s words, but he needs to be indifferent. Why should he care? 

“Okay.” Erwin finishes with a quick nod and then silence falls in the room.   
  


***

 

When Levi finds himself in the middle of the city streets after dinner it’s not because he’s going out for a drink with Aryaa, it’s not even to check what they have given him to drink the night before, it’s not because he’s just taking a walk. Levi is not even supposed to be there, so far from camp and with no one else from the Survey Corps with him, but sneaking out has been easy. It always is. 

When Levi finds himself in the middle of the city street it’s to follow Erwin. He keeps telling himself to just turn around and go back, wait in his room until tomorrow and forget all about this. He keeps telling himself that it’s none of his business, that he doesn’t even need to do this for his job, but there’s something stronger than rationality that lets him continue. Erwin doesn’t notice him, Levi is good at following people, and when he finally sees him stop in front of a nice house’s door and getting in Levi sighs of relief. He hates this part, it’s much better to spy people once he can stare from only one place. 

He silently, invisibly, gets closer to the house and slides against the walls to check what’s happening inside from the windows. Luckily for him it’s dark enough outside for people not to notice him even if he stands against the wall facing the street, besides there’s almost no one around where Erwin lives. That’s better. Most of the windows have curtains, though, and it’s hard to look inside. He goes around the corner and tries another, this time the curtains are open and he can see a light coming from the house. 

He hides behind the edge of the tall window, standing on tiptoes, and waits for something to happen. He has to grab a vase of a small plant placed on the windowsill to see more clearly, keeping it in his hand without paying it much attention, and observes the spacious room. It must be the living room. There’s a red, big sofa placed against the wall near the door, a small transparent table in front of it, and another tall and large beautiful table surrounded by graceful chairs at the side. The only candles illuminating the room on it. The floor is covered with a round remarkable carpet that even Levi finds himself appreciating, and there are several paintings hanging on the light walls. For what Levi sees it’s not exactly the house of a poor man, and that already irritates him. 

He doesn’t have the time to think about that when his eyes snap open and he sees Erwin, changed into usual clothes instead of the uniform, entering the room. Someone follows him, a woman… what? Levi admits he had heard, both while investigating him before the Corps and at camp, of rumors about Erwin being involved with someone but he never thought they were true. The man is always at work, how could that be? How could a woman be okay with that? Not that Levi actually knows about what women want, but he can imagine… 

She’s way smaller than Erwin, but probably taller than Levi anyway. Her hair is long, wavy and blond, a slightly darker shade than Erwin’s gold, it frames her small face perfectly. Her nose reminds Levi of his own, sharp and narrow. She smiles up at Erwin, taking his hand in hers, and he can’t help but think she has a lovely smile. Different from Erwin’s, different from Aryaa’s too. It’s the kindest smile Levi has ever seen and when he looks at Erwin he catches him smiling sadly down at her after saying something he doesn’t hear. Her eyes are big and expressive, they look worried as she leads Erwin to the sofa and sits down, their hands still held together. 

Erwin sits down too, but then the woman pats her leg and with a sigh Erwin smiles and lies down on the long couch with his head on her lap. Levi’s stomach tightens, his incredulous eyes a little wider. He doesn’t understand what she says but whatever it is he sees Erwin relaxing completely under the touch of her skinny hand brushing his golden hair, caressing his face gently. Erwin closes his eyes and lets her talk, he looks so peaceful for once. It only makes Levi feel worse, feel like… like he shouldn’t be seeing this, like it’s all just a nightmare, like a sick joke. What is this? 

When Erwin takes her hand and softly kisses her palm Levi’s heart stops. It’s such a simple gesture, something that shouldn't even touch him, instead it makes him remember about last night. Suddenly Levi remembers lying on his bed, Erwin sitting down next to him taking his cravat off because Levi had said he was hot, and he remembers stopping his hand on his chest and then… kissing it. Mumbling something about the first time Erwin had told him what a kiss was. Fuck. And Erwin has said he hadn't done anything, liar. 

Levi shakes his head, then, as his chest swells up in something that resembles anger, but it’s not. The memory is not what’s bothering Levi, not right now at least. It’s seeing Erwin doing the same with someone else… someone who isn’t Levi, that makes him scowl and tighten his grip on the vase he’s still holding in his hand. He keeps watching the scene and a storm of feelings dart inside of him, feelings he doesn’t understand, feelings he’s never had. It’s a war between wanting to run away and telling himself he doesn’t care, shouldn’t care, why is he even thinking that? Why is he angry for that? How could he even think of wanting to be in the woman’s place? It’s something he doesn’t deserve, and Erwin is… 

What even is he for him? An enemy. A target. A rival. Nothing more.The more she comforts him the more Levi wants to break something, tear his heart from his chest and crash it with his own hands. The more he feels sick. The more he wants to take Erwin away and have him all for himself… that’s insane. 

Is it jealousy what Levi is feeling? He doesn’t know how to name it, he only remembers feeling something similar those old days when Erwin would want to meet Farlan and Isabel. That feeling that kept telling him that they weren’t supposed to meet, and not just because he had to protect them. 

There are other things that bother Levi, but he hasn’t got the time to think about it when, without realizing it, his grip on the vase does tighten a bit too much and with a last upset squeeze he breaks it in his hand. It scatters to the ground and makes loud noises in the silence of the quiet night. Shit. Levi immediately comes back to reality, his reflexes ready to react, and he sees the woman looking startled and Erwin getting up quickly, turning his head to the window. Levi ducks just in time. It’s obvious Erwin will come and check. _ Fuck. What do I do? What do I do? What-  _

Levi decides that being there on purpose is less suspicious than him being there silently, and he rushes to the front door, his arm already up to knock. There’s no need to. The door opens and Levi finds himself illuminated by the house’s light and standing in front of an alert Erwin, who sighs deeply the moment he sees him. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks him one second later, without even greeting him. He looks relieved, but there’s still something wrong, like Levi is the last person he would have wanted to see there. Not his problem, Levi thinks. 

There’s the sound of a drop falling to the ground and Erwin’s eyes look down at Levi’s bleeding hand. He raises his eyebrows, staring back at Levi’s face. 

“What happened?” Wow, he already thinks Levi has gotten in some kind of trouble, maybe Levi can use that. 

“Nothing, I-” He doesn’t finish, interrupted by a light clear voice. 

“Erwin? Who is it?” 

The blonde beautiful woman appears from behind Erwin and stops to stand by his side, frowning worried up at him and then looking at Levi. Erwin doesn’t seem too happy she’s there. What’s his problem? Does he think Levi is going to attack her? He’s not that low. Why would he, anyway? Perhaps Erwin is just not happy to see Levi knows where he lives… but that doesn’t make sense. He shouldn’t have any idea of Levi’s true intentions, which, by the way, don’t include anyone else but him. 

“Ah, Marie, this is Levi.” Erwin’s blue gaze goes from her to him. “Levi, this is Marie.” 

It’s not like that helps him, but as soon as Erwin says his name her eyes lighten up and she grins widely. 

“So this is Levi, finally I get to know you.” She moves aside and gestures Levi to enter the house. “Come on in, please.” 

Even Erwin looks at her strangely. “Marie, maybe that’s not the best idea.”

“Yeah, I was just going anyway.” 

“What? Nonsense! This is such a surprise, and after I’ve been hearing so much about you, now you must stay. It’s always nice to have a guest.” She smiles her kind smile and Levi has to look at Erwin to know what to do, looking confused. Erwin sighs again, and nods, gesturing him to go in too.  _ Tch, what a polite couple, _ Levi thinks.

As they walk to the dining room, Marie ahead of him and Erwin, Levi turns his head towards the tall man and whispers in a hiss. “What exactly has she been hearing about me?” 

“Enough.” Erwin replies quietly and Levi wonders if that means she knows of his true identity, too. Why would Erwin tell her, anyway? Why can’t he mind his own business? 

Levi feels weird for interrupting, but the feeling of anger mixed with hurt and irritation still hasn’t left him. It doesn’t leave him for every time his eyes set either on Erwin or Marie, thinking of what he’s just seen, imagining them together, intimately. Levi shouldn’t have come in, but it’s too late. He doesn’t know why but he cares about not being a complete dickhead in front of these two and not just leave like that. Besides, he’s curious too. 

By the time they all sit at the large table Levi had spotted from the window before, Marie’s eyes fly down to his hand too and she gasps loudly. “Levi! Your hand!” 

  
“Oh,” Right, Levi has already forgotten about it, it doesn’t really hurt and the wounds are going to clear on their own any minute now. “It’s nothing, really.” 

“But-” 

“I’ll go get some bandages, Marie, don’t worry. I’ll be right back.” Erwin says with a tired smile as he gets up and leaves the room, avoiding Levi the pain to make up some excuse and saving him from revealing his little body secret. Thank God. 

Well, maybe not so much, because now Levi is stuck in the room alone with her. And she keeps smiling so gently at him, it’s unnerving.

“I have always been so curious about meeting you, but Erwin is so secretive when it comes to the famous Levi.” She chuckles lightly, giving him a soft look. What? 

“I thought you’d hear a lot about me.” 

“Oh, well yes, I have, but I only know about the amazing qualities you have as a soldier. Erwin refuses to talk about anything else.” 

“There’s nothing much to know.” He shrugs, hoping she won’t ask more. 

“I’m not so sure, you always seem to have such a great influence on my Erwin. But, then, that’s probably because you get to spend much more time with him than anyone else does.” 

_ My Erwin.  _ The words sting Levi’s heart, making him grimace almost invisibly. What she’s saying sounds like she might be the jealous one, but the sound of her voice is far from it. It’s like she’s just stating a fact, not bothered at all by it. Weird. 

“Should I consider myself lucky?” He says with sarcasm, trying to seem as snappy as possibly, but she only grins more. What’s up with this woman? 

“Mh, you should, yes.” What does that mean? 

Luckily for him Erwin comes back that very instant and they both fall silent. “I hope I haven’t interrupted anything.” He jokes approaching Levi as he holds the bandages and sits down on the chair next to his, opposite from Marie’s. 

Levi gives him his hand automatically, knowing it’s useless to put up a scene right now to refuse Erwin’s help, and lets him work on it silently. He needs to take out some splinters from his skin, too, but Levi barely notices.

“Oh, not at all. I was just mentioning how Levi spends a lot of his time with you. I must admit I envy him, a tiny bit.” Marie says. 

Why doesn’t she sound like that’s the real problem, though? 

“Ah, well, I hope you don’t feel too much alone here.” Erwin apologizes softly, the tone of his voice light and calm. 

“Not really. You know, Nile visits more often than you think.” 

Silence. 

“I see.” Erwin says and goes back to wrap Levi’s hand up. 

Levi has no idea what that means, who the fuck Nile is, but he can sense something has witched in the air and Marie has said something Erwin might have not wanted to hear. It doesn’t look like she’s said it to upset him, though. He imagines Nile to be someone Erwin doesn’t like very much… Maybe he’s the jealous one? But what right does he have to be that, after… Oh, shit, only now Levi thinks about… 

The fingers brushing on his hand to take care of it suddenly burn on his skin, and Levi has the urge to take it away and never touch Erwin ever again. He doesn’t want him near him, and yet, he also wishes for the complete opposite. He also craves the way Erwin feel so light and so delicate, but confident, when he touches him. 

“Anyway, Levi, tell me,” Marie changes the subject and Levi is taken by surprise, too deep in thought. 

“Huh?” 

“How is it to work with Erwin? Does he treat you well, or is he just as cold as he is with all the other younger cadets?” She jokes. 

“Why do you say that?” Erwin asks, not letting Levi answer. 

“Oh, Mike likes to talk.” She smirks. 

“Mike likes to exaggerate, too. I’m not cold with them, I’m just as firm as I must be.” 

“Well, let Levi decide, then.” She says and turns her head slightly to look at Levi. He finds it unusual the way they keep lightly teasing each other, it’s something he’s not used to. Not that way, not if Erwin is talking to someone else. 

“I-” He swallows and eventually pulls his hand back once Erwin is finished. “Erwin’s fine.” He says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. 

“He treats me better than he should.” He quickly adds, hoping none of them hears him. They do, though, and he sees them both smile with the corner of his eyes. Erwin looks surprised, more than touched like Marie. 

“That’s good to know. Erwin has always been a good man.” She says, looking fondly at him. Levi can barely stand it, something greater than him taking control and making him feel disgusted by the show of affection between the two. 

“Who are you?” Levi snaps, eventually, but as soon as the words come out of his mouth he realizes how annoyed that’s just sounded and curses himself. What’s going on?  _ Stop. Calm down. _

“I’m sorry?” Marie tilts her head, confused, frowning. 

“I meant-” Is Levi blushing now? Great. Just great. “Are you two…” Please, don’t make him say it.

“Oh.” Marie giggles, one hand over her mouth. Erwin looks unmoved, lucky bastard. “We’ve always been friends, but we’ve also been engaged for three years now. I imagine sooner or later we’ll have to marry for real.” 

_ Engaged. We’ll have to marry. Engaged…  _ The words hit Levi harder than a heavy rock thrown precisely at him. He thought they were just… together, not to be married. How is that even possible? Erwin getting married? That’s even more than a sick joke, that’s impossible. Getting married would involve a family too, that’s crazy. Then why- 

Levi’s speechless, he doesn’t breathe for several seconds. Erwin getting married is not the problem...it is, but it’s not. It’s what Levi thinks, feels, has done. What has he done? He’s not high on morals but now he feels like an actual monster for this too, because Marie looks like such a good person and he… How could Erwin, anyway? Levi is not the only one who should feel guilty, he’s not, but Erwin doesn’t seem to even think about that. Has he not thought about it? Is he that shameless? It’s true, they’ve agreed nothing ever happened, but- 

Marie seems to catch that something is wrong. “Levi, is everything alright?” 

Levi nods subtly, still not able to say a word, still looking at everything and nothing at the same time, trying to understand. 

“Perhaps I should go and boil some tea, what do you say? Erwin told me you love tea. You’re lucky I love it too.” Maries says, standing up and smiling before leaving the room. Levi barely registers it. 

As soon as she’s out of sight Levi turns to Erwin and snaps, keeping his voice low but sounding as angry as he could be. “What the fuck is your problem?” 

Erwin frowns. “What are you talking about?” He’s genuinely confused, it only makes it worse. 

“You’re engaged.” Levi states, and Erwin frowns more. 

“Thank you, I’m aware. More than you, I dare to say.” 

“Then what was all that stuff when we fought the first time about? And when you made me write my name? All the staring and- And why the fuck, god, why the fuck didn’t you stop me the other night?” Levi bursts out, not even a little bit ashamed of finally admitting that yes, he has more than noticed that something had been going on even before the bathtub accident. He snaps and his eyes are on fire, his hands itching with the urge to punch Erwin in the face. 

Levi doesn’t care if Erwin is an asshole who can’t properly love his almost wife and be loyal to her, but he doesn’t want to be involved. Levi cares about loyalty and trust more than anyone else and now he feels sick for reasons all different than before. It’s no wonder, though, he should have expected something like this from Erwin. He’s a good man only when it comes to titans and fighting, to training and logic. Why has Levi even thought that maybe his feelings might change, why has Levi even spent his time thinking about him, thinking about forgetting it all while wanting to be closer to him? Levi’s disgusted with himself. 

Erwin looks take aback. Still, Levi sees no particular guilt, no remorse, only confusion and then… irritation, mixed with unexpected sadness. Like he’s not saying something, but he wishes he could. Levi doesn’t care.

He stands up to move away, but Erwin grasps his wrist firmly. “Why did you do it in the first place?” He asks, as serious as ever. Fuck him, Levi doesn’t have to tell him that. 

“That’s not what matters here. You shouldn't have fucking let me.” He frees himself with a jerking movement. 

Erwin sighs. “I thought that was going to be in the past.” 

“You fucking bet it is now.” 

“Levi, listen, there’s something you don’t know-” 

“I don’t care what you have to say. I don’t see why I should even believe you, ever. I just feel sick and sorry for Marie now.” 

“Since when do you care so much about my private life?” Now, Erwin is getting angry. He sounds insulted, like Levi is completely wrong. Is he? He doesn’t care, he can’t even think right now. 

“I don’t give a shit about your private life, but you sure as hell don’t deserve such a nice one.” 

He storms off, without letting Erwin the time to explain anything at all, and when he meets Marie in the way to the front door he doesn’t even look at her. He hears her saying his name behind him, but he’s already out of the house before she can actually talk to him. He doesn’t know what happens next, what is Erwin going to tell her. He can only remember his own last words to him, spat at him like venom.

And then it hits him, what has truly been bugging him since the first time Erwin has said the word ‘home’ for the first time. Erwin has a home, he has a life, he has a pretty lovely lady at home to comfort him, he has friends, he has a job he loves, he has a goal in which he believes in. He’s always had all of these things, his life might suck from certain points of view, but it’s much better than what Levi’s ever had. Erwin has a home, for Christ’s sake. What does Levi have? A bed and now a lively brat as a friend. No, it’s not fair to take it on Aryaa, he should only be thankful for her. 

Still, he feels anger and envy and the pain from his dirty, awful past rises up in his chest and before he knows it he finds himself bent down in the corner of a dark alley throwing up. His head spins and hurts, and it’s not fair. Nothing’s fair. Why does Erwin get all of those things, why? After what he’s done? Levi feels sick a second time as he keeps feeling like his life doesn’t mean anything at all, instead. What life? A life made of death, thievery, emptiness. A life were demons take control and Levi has never any peace, why would that mean something? Why should anyone grant him peace? It’s not fair, but it is. 

He feels sick because, if he thinks of Erwin even right now, he can’t help but feel drawn to him anyway. He can’t help but imagine a scenery where Erwin has come to look for him after he’s stormed out of his house, where he’s kneeling down beside him, taking care of him, telling him everything is fine. Where Erwin won’t leave, where he will apologize for days and days if necessary, where he’ll tell him that they can run away together, away from everything and everyone and none of them has to suffer anymore. That’s what Levi imagines as he hates both of them with a passion he’s never felt so strong before. It’s killing him. He can’t do this anymore, he shouldn’t have accepted the job in the first place, it has only damaged him more. 

It has to stop, it’s over. 

The time has finally come to put an end to this. 

 

*** 

 

Erwin, standing in front of the crowd of soldiers ready to go out of the walls, explains for the last time how the flare guns work. He explains how this all expedition is going to evolve, the fact that this is just an experiment but that he hopes they will be able to take advantage of it anyway. He talks, encourages the cadets, makes them trust him, and eventually Shadis takes his place. 

Aryaa, next to Levi on her horse, doesn’t seem very focused. She looks scared but thrilled, she can’t wait for the mission to start, and Levi rolls his eyes when she asks him when the hell is Erwin going to shut up. Not that Levi minds that. 

Finally, Shadis shouts and the gates open. 

A herd of soldiers flows out of the walls into the wide space, and like last time Levi can’t help but be amazed by the beauty and freedom that it makes him feel. He breathes in deeply, smelling the fresh air, before he takes position in the formation and rides along with Aryaa and several other cadets, plus Darlett. 

Aryaa gets closer to him. “Isn’t this great?!” 

She shouts at him, but he doesn’t reply. She doesn’t seem to care much, bursting out in a loud laughter. She’s so full of life, but Levi has other things to think about. He still hasn’t recovered from everything that’s happened, and he’s serious about taking the first opportunity he can spot to finally kill Erwin. He needs to.

They move together for several minutes, avoiding a titan here and there guided by the green flare shot by Shadis and Erwin, everything calm and quiet, until the sky starts getting darker. Levi looks up, along with a bunch of other soldiers, to see the shadow of a thunderstorm approaching quickly. The wind rises up and the sunny day begins to turn into a nightmare. It starts raining, lightly at first and then hard as hail. In less than five minutes, which no one has expected to change everything like this, it’s impossible to see. It’s perfect.

It’s perfect to attack Erwin without being noticed, and at least to prove his theory about the man having the documents he’s looking for always with him. He just needs to move away from the group, even though all the group that’s left with him is Aryaa. 

“What the hell? I can’t see a thing, Levi!” She yells. “Are you there, Levi?” She can’t see him. 

“I’m sorry.” Levi whispers as he starts moving away from her to reach Erwin’s position. He trusts her to be alone, she can reunite with the others and then follow Darlett’s orders. He has to trust her to do that. 

It’s fine. He can do this. He feels the resentment and anger he’s felt all these years clouding his mind, he lets them take control, he pushes away every nice memory he has of Erwin and he concentrates on his own mission only. He can do this. It’s not the first time he does this. Erwin is just another man who he has to kill, just another bastard that doesn’t deserve to live… He’s trying so hard to convince himself, he has to, he needs to. It doesn’t even matter what he believes or not right now, he’s doing it. He’ll face the consequences after this. He- 

A loud, terrifying roar breaks into the sound of the rain. That’s not a thunder. 

It’s a titan. 

Levi stops his horse right away, making it neigh loudly, before he hears the roar again and he understand it must be closer than he thinks. He hears someone shouting, too. Fuck. Aryaa!

He turns around as fast as he can and runs towards the spot he’s just left, fuck, fuck, fuck! The rain only a light noise on the background now, he can only think of getting there as soon as possible, he needs to help her, fuck. Worried thoughts rush in his mind and his whole body twitches in anxiety because he’s not going fast enough. Is she okay? Has she managed to take the titan down? Was she alone? Is the titan a normal one or- 

It’s too late. 

When Levi arrives his blood freezes and time stops. A huge, ugly, scaring titan has Aryaa in his hands. It takes a bite from her torso, leaving her half-open, and Levi screams. 

“Get the fuck away from her!” It sounds more like a desperate cry, but it gets the titan attention. The beast turns around, sneers with blood rolling down its disgusting mouth, and throws her aside in a jerk, as if she was nothing, just trash it doesn’t need. Levi sees her rolling on the ground, not a sound coming from her. Is she dead? 

Fury switches him off, on, and he can’t see anything but red.

He flies off his horse like a raging lighting in less than one second and attacks the huge titan, as anger and blinding grief consume him, using his gear for support to let himself roll in the air and slay the first cut into the tough skin. He’s unstoppable. He hears the titan going from only grunting to crying out loud after the third deep cut, Levi keeps yelling. He screams, he shouts, and he slits the nape of the titan’s neck in a powerful charge against it. Blood sprays in the air, over Levi, but he doesn’t care. It’s hot, it burns, it hurts. Levi doesn’t care. It’s nothing compared to the blood boiling in his veins, not stopping him from keep attacking the monster. 

Rationality leaves him completely, warm tears he doesn’t even notice he’s crying running down his bloody face, and he lets himself go. He lets his own mad monster come out, like greeting an old friend who’s finally come to help him out. A friend he adores, a friend he wishes could stay there forever to take revenge and brings justice to this fucked up world of his. He cuts and he slices and he makes the titan under him to pieces, pain and shock and denial overwhelming him. 

_ Not Aryaa. Not Aryaa, not her, please. Fuck you, not Aryaa!   _ It’s what he keeps thinking, screaming, as he breaks the long-dead beast apart. 

Eventually the titan drops to the ground in a loud thud and Levi stops, landing on blood and mud.

Silence falls. The rain barely manages to wash the red away from him, he doesn’t want it to. He wants to feel it. He wants to know that motherfucker is dead and gone, because of him. 

A light grunt snaps him awake, and he turns his head in a quick jerk that almost hurts. 

“...” Aryaa! 

Levi runs to her and throw himself on the ground, kneeling beside her and holding her up with one hand under her back. He hopes he’s not making it worse like that, her body ripped apart and filthy with blood and dirt. She looks terrible, fuck.

“Aryaa… Aryaa- Hey kid.” He stutters, tears still falling, his whole body shaking hard. He shouldn’t be the one shaking like that, fuck. He should try and comfort her.

“Hang in there, kid, it’s fine.” 

“As if-” Aryaa says, and Levi can’t help but shake his head and desperately give out a muffled laugh at her weak words. She still has the guts and strength to joke, even now. She’s incredible-  

“Levi…” She says, and Levi gives her all of his attention. 

“I’m here.” He tells her, imagining what he might have told Farlan and Isabel before they had died. Thinking about how many times he had imagined that moment, but he had never wanted to live it for real. Not like this, not with her. She wasn't the one who had to die today. 

“Levi I need to tell you something-” She coughs. What? “It’s my fault if- if people know-” She coughs again, damn it. “I overheard Erwin and- I knew you were Wraith- It’s my fault...” Aryaa grimaces in pain, her face still beautiful, though. She’s never been more beautiful to Levi, he doesn’t want her to go.

“What?” Levi asks, trying to make sense out of her low words. So she’s the one who’d spread the word… “Who the fuck cares about that, kid?” He asks as agony cuts him deeply. “I don’t care. I don’t care.”

“I’m going-” It’s so hard to see her struggling with words. “...to die- aren’t I?” 

Levi sobs violently once, a lump in his throat making him almost throw up. He can’t, really doesn’t want to stop crying, not as he can see death coming to take his friend away. It’s not fair. It’s just another unfair thing to be angry about. It hurts so much. 

She raises one hand up, as much as he can, and lightly touches his arm. “It’s fine-” 

Levi shakes his head hard. He can’t even talk, how useless can he be? He’d promised her she would live. He had promised.

“H-hey, baby-” She calls him by his nickname and Levi looks at her, frowning and trembling. 

“I guess this… just means… I’m still not… as strong as you are…” She smiles. Aryaa smiles, and Levi’s world falls apart. 

He keeps shaking his head, going mad at the idea of losing her. “Don’t say that. Don’t say it. You did good, Aryaa, you are the strongest person I know. Just- Just don’t die, please, stay with me. We can help you, we-” Levi is lying both to her and himself, but he just can’t accept it. Not again. 

“Can you do one thing for me…?” She whispers as her green eyes start losing their light, closing. No, no, no, no- 

“What? What is it? Anything.” Levi tells her, praying for her to live just a little longer. Just- 

“L-learn to...love a little more, Levi...it’s fine if you do…” Fuck, are these really going to be her last words? Is this really what matters the most to her right now? This is bullshit, he can’t take it. 

“What about you? Isn’t there anything I can do? What do you want me to tell your family, what-”

“It’s fine…” She exhales, her usual strong voice sounding so frail, exhausted. 

“They...know…I-” 

Aryaa stops talking mid-sentence. Her eyes fall close completely, her mouth half-open, still. Her chest motionless, not even a single breath coming out of her. She’s gone. Aryaa’s dead. No. No. No. She can’t be dead. She wanted to live, to have a family, to travel the world and be happy. She didn’t deserve this. She- 

“Aryaa… kid... “ Levi heart breaks. 

“You did good.” He tells her once more, he’s never meant anything more than this.

Still crying Levi takes her spent hand and brings it together with his own. One slap on the back, one broken punch to a lifeless hand, a little bump on the elbow… now she can have her handshake, maybe she’ll die happier like that. Not that Levi actually believes anyone dies happily, but he’s got nothing else to give her, she’s gone. She was full of life and now- 

 

“Levi.” 

Erwin. “Are there any survivors?”

Levi turns around quickly and sees him there, off his horse, standing next to Mike. It’s stopped raining. How long has he been there? How fucking dare he? Has he enjoyed the show, is he happy now? 

Levi rushes to him as he screams in pain, his blade still out and ready in his hand, and makes him fall on his knees with a quick kick the other doesn’t expect. The lethal weapon on Erwin’s throat, like the first time they’d met after years. This time, though, Levi doesn’t want to spare him. He’s not sure what stops him from slitting his throat open right away, but he feels the rage inside him ticking like a deadly clock. It’s his fault-

“You did this. I’m going to fucking kill you, it’s the only reason why I’m still here.” Levi hisses, spitting on him. He’s never hated him so much. 

He presses the blade deeper on his throat, enjoying the blood rolling down from the shallow wound, enjoying the few moments he has left before dying. He deserves it. He sees Mike rushing to him, but Erwin raises one hand up and stops him. Levi frowns, why? 

Erwin then moves his hand and grabs something from behind his jacket. The documents. Levi’s eyes widen open as he throws them aside. Levi almost runs to pick them up, to avoid getting them wet, but what Erwin says next stops him. 

“Those are the documents concerning Nicholas Lobov.” Erwin looks at the documents, and then back at him. “It was a bluff. They’re fake.”

“What?” Shock hits him hard. “You… you knew all along? You fucking bastard.”

“I knew what Lobov was doing and I wanted enough proof to convict him, so I spread false information about him. I also knew that he would have tried to confirm the existence of the document first, I knew that he had approached you and asked you to steal them from me. And kill me. But he played it against himself, because the more he acted on his own the more I was able to gather the evidence I needed.” 

“If you knew all along… then why the hell did you make me join the Survey Corps?” Levi asks, trying to control his shaky, angry voice.

“Because of your fighting skills-”  _ Because I needed to meet you again,  _ Levi reads in his eyes. “and because I wanted to use you in order to throw Lobov off.” Erwin admits. 

“But none of it matters anymore. The real documents are now in the possession of supreme Commander Zackly. It’s all over for Lobov, it has been for a while.” 

“This means… All of this, all of it. It was for nothing. You just dragged me into your worthless schemes. Aryaa died because of you, too.” Levi’s gaze darkens. “But now I’m going to drag you down, too.”

He raises his blade up, red in his eyes, wrath in his heart, and swings it down to slit Erwin’s throat. No hesitation. He sees a hint of fear, like the one he’d seen on him as a kid, in Erwin’s eyes but then he stops him. Erwin stops the weapon with his hand, bleeding from it, before it can hit him. Levi presses more, but Erwin keeps talking. 

Angry too, this time. “Worthless schemes?” His gaze lightens up, and he looks at Erwin right in the eyes. 

“Who was it? Who killed my subordinates? Your friend? Was it me? Or was it you? Would have Aryaa really survived unharmed even if you had stayed with her?”

Shit. If Levi hadn’t been so blind, if he had chosen another moment to ambush Erwin... 

“You’re right… my arrogance... it was me…” Levi freezes. He’s going to explode. 

Erwin does it for him. “You’re wrong!” 

Erwin jerks the blade away and gets closer to Levi. “It’s the titans!”

Levi lets him talk, because he has to hold on to something. He needs to. 

“No matter how far you, there aren’t any wall out here, in this wide open space. I believe there is something there, that could illuminate our despair, that could set us free. But there are those who seek to prevent us from venturing beyond the walls. They are confused by selfish thoughts of their own losses and gains, and you know it, from behind the walls where it’s safe!”

Erwin breathes in deeply, as Levi is still slightly shaking, before he continues. 

“It’s only natural. During the past hundred years, hidden by the walls, the eyes of humanity have been clouded. They cannot see the landscape that lies on the other side-”

“But what about you, Levi? Will you let your eyes remain clouded?”

He gets closer, standing up and towering Levi. He pierces him with eyes full of determination and hope, blue eyes that look like the free sky he’s talking about, eyes Levi can’t refuse. He feels his chest rising up, overwhelmed. 

“Will you kill me and return to the darkness of your old reputation? We will not give up our journey outside the walls, Levi. So fight for the Survey Corps! Fight with me.”

Levi looks at him and words can’t come out of his mouth. 

“Fight with us, humanity needs your strength!”

Should he? What does he have to lose? What does he have to gain? Will he join them? Him? Erwin is offering him more than he could hope for. He’s offering him to have what he has always wanted. A good reason to live, a goal, control, hope, freedom. Before Levi had thought that joining the Survey Corps meant death and hopelessness, but now… Erwin might be right. Erwin is right. 

But Aryaa-

Farlan and Isabel- 

Everything that’s been going on between the two of them-

No. It doesn’t matter. Erwin is right. 

“I’m not making a deal this time…” He tells him, taking a step back and looking up at Erwin, nodding and taking his offer. “I don’t want to regret this. I’m not going to, but-”

Erwin waits patiently. 

“I’m still going to need time to learn how to trust you.”  _ Learn to love a little more, it’s fine if you do.  _ He remembers Aryaa’s words still fresh in his memory. 

“I understand.” Erwin says, the ghost of a smile behind his lips. 

“I will fight for the Survey Corps, though. I will fight for humanity.” _For people like Aryaa._ Levi says, confirms. 

He can wish for a better world, he can make it a better one. He’ll just have to follow Erwin. He will just have to be strong. He’s been strong all his life, he can be that for a good cause too. He can be strong for Farlan and Isabel, he can be strong for Aryaa, he can be strong for every kid who dreams of a great future they might never get. He will be strong because it’s the right thing to do, and he’s so tired of making bad decisions. This sounds like the best one. 

The sun comes back, streaming through the dark clouds, like a ray of hope illuminating them both. 

“Let’s go.” Erwin says 

 

***

 

“Are you Aryaa’s father?” Levi asks the tall man in front of him when the door opens. 

“Oh, yes! Who are you?” Levi doesn’t have the time to reply that the man has already understood from one single look at his uniform. 

“Ah! You’re from the Survey Corps, I heard you’ve gone on an expedition the other day, Aryaa told me about it.” He says it easily, with a polite smile on his lined face. 

“Yes, sir.” Levi says, not having the strength to reciprocate the smile. 

“There’s no need to call me, sir, young man! Now, where’s my kid? Is she sick? Oh god, did she got hurt?” Aryaa’s father asks him, and Levi doesn’t understand how can he think she’s only- 

“No, I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” He laughs loudly, but when Levi doesn’t talk more he grows serious. His face begins to change, his smile fades, his eyes darken under furrowed thick eyebrows. Levi is giving it away from the way he stands, the way he’s looking at him, but maybe that’s for the best. 

“Is she- Where is Aryaa?” He asks once more, his voice already trembling. 

“Aryaa couldn’t-” No, wrong. “Aryaa didn’t make it, sir.” Levi calls him that anyway, and saying the words out loud hurts so much his heart cringes in his chest and his silver eyes nearly get wet. He hopes he won’t have to say it again. He can’t. There’s only lost grief in his gaze, and the old man understands. 

“She’s dead.” He says, strong and brave, standing straight in front of Levi and trying to appear like a good soldier. He probably was once, one that knew that death might have been inevitable.. His hands still shake, though, closed in desperate fists. Levi has no idea how he can say it out loud, but he nods. 

“Was it a quick death?” He asks, his voice losing its confidence soon. 

“Yes.” _ No.  _ Levi lies. “She didn’t suffer.”

“...” The father stays silent, and Levi needs to breathe deeply not to lose control, again. 

“She was a good soldier, the best cadet we’ve ever had.” Levi says, saying what he believes to be the truth and trying to comfort the man in front of him, a man on the verge of desperation. 

He looks down at him, nodding, believing Levi’s words. “Were you his friend?”

“Yes. I was.” 

“She was lucky, then. You look like you cared a lot for her.” There’s a tear falling down the man’s cheek, but still, he doesn’t break. Not in front of Levi, who only nods at his words. 

“...do you want me to tell the rest of your family? I understand if you don’t-” 

“No. It’s fine, you’ve done enough.” Has he? He hasn’t saved her. Levi can follow Erwin, he can fight for humanity, he can kill all the titans he wants… but he still hasn’t saved her when he could have. And the blame burns, and the guilt eats him alive. 

“I’ll go, then. My condolences.” Levi says, eager to get as far away as he can. He doesn’t want to look inside Aryaa’s house. He doesn’t want to see her mother, her brothers or her sister. It would only hurt more, reminding him how much she loved them. 

He turns around, but the man stops him. 

“What’s your name?”

Levi looks at him, surprised. “Levi.” 

“Thank you, Levi.” 

He has nothing to thank him for.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think most of the warnings I have to put here are the same of the previous chapters, BUT there is a new one that has to do with sexual stuff (eheh) so there you go you have been warned :3 ah... what am I saying..... there is also a death warning here ;-; (and drunk people) (GOD I suck at warnings didn't you notice????) 
> 
> ALSOOOO guys this is the last "ready" chapter, meaning I still have to write the next ones and this means it will take a while longer than usual to update (I'm sorry) but I'm leaving you a very long one and I'll try to give myself serious deadlines I PROMISE maybe that will make me write a bit more, or at least I hope so! (also this last year was a gap year for me so I had time to write but now real life is happening and I'm not sure how much time I'll have, but I swear I'm not abandoning this fic it's too important tbh) 
> 
> (ah, there was something else I wanted to talk about... I know my Levi here is very emotional -at least when he's alone- I'm not sure how much in character that is -a bit for sure, though- but it's like that because, I mean, he's been through so much shit in my story so yeah.. I don't know why but I felt like I had to explain? I am also full of headcanons so that's a thing too, I'm just hoping you are all enjoying this fic that's all)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, my friends! I am back and I am so so so sorry for this long pause, but you have to know university started, I lost most of my inspiration and, to be strictly honest, I'm sure as hell I can't write anymore BUT a little Christmas miracle happened and I managed to finish this hellish chapter after months (I don't even like it.... at all, I'm so frustrated goddamn it). Basically, I need to seriously thank my friend for this, and I hope that I will find more determination and inspiration for next chapters because despite everything I still love and care about this story so much and I want to finish it. Just to clarify things, I'll probably start writing next chapter in a month or so because I have exams now (ugh wish me luck), but I'll try to get back at you as soon as possible this time ç_ç I feel so guilty and for what it's worth I really hope you enjoy this chapter even though I hate everything about it. 
> 
> That said, read on guys!
> 
> p.s. RIP Erwin..... I'm in complete denial. Seriously. 
> 
> p.p.s. It's fully possible that some of the details in this chapter are going to be inaccurate because I don't remember most of the previous story anymore lmao don't hate me I have no memory whatsoever it's hard

 

Summer passes quickly, like a warm breath of wind that no one has the time to enjoy. It’s busy, it’s hot, and it’s a neverending series of days and nights spent working and training and studying. Erwin is tired and the weather doesn’t help, but after their last expedition, which has turned out to be yet another failure, and with the Parliament breathing down the Survey Corps’s neck, he can’t afford to slack off. Enjoying sunny days and blue skies is out of the question. He’s never had the time for that, and now it’s slightly worse.

They have lost valuable people, Darlett too among the other young cadets who didn’t deserve to die young... more deaths that Erwin had hoped to avoid. It’s hard not to blame himself for it. He couldn’t have predicted the rain, the clouds and the fog but it happened and now he has to face the consequences. New recruits are hard to attract and, unsurprisingly, no one wants to become a member of the Corps during times like these, but the problem is they need more people, otherwise they’re likely going to lose everyone in the next couple of months and Erwin can’t let that happen. No one seems to care enough, though, and that’s what upsets him the most. As if it’s all a waste of time then why join the Corps at all if that’s how people feel? Why dedicating their lives for it if there’s no belief behind their choices?

Maybe he has failed, in the end. Maybe he’s just been too unlucky to prove that his plans can actually work, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t have the time to think about it.

It’s been two months, though, and things are finally starting to settle down. The beginning of fall brings Erwin some peace, a kind mild break, a way to stop obsessing about everything, every detail, every mistake, every thought. It’s been two months and the only thing that gives him hope is Levi. The thought of having him there, knowing that he won’t have to worry about him leaving him, killing him, betraying him… that’s the most comforting thought Erwin has, all for himself. Like a secret. Knowing that he has him as a striking, useful weapon who has the power to slay titans and save many lives during missions is another reassuring concept.

It’s been two months and Levi is not an enemy anymore.

It’s a relief to stop thinking about him as such, it’s a relief to know that Levi has promised to follow him and his decisions. It’s a relief to have him as a strong ally, but it’s also painful and hard as ever to be near him. A quick touch that Levi avoids and runs from, a stolen look when Levi thinks Erwin isn’t watching him, a sad small smile that Levi gives him when Erwin congratulates him after a training session, and so on. Those are all the things Erwin has started to notice since Aryaa’s death, since Levi has decided to stay, and he doesn’t know what to do. How to make Levi feel better. Does he have that much power?

Levi feels off, like he’s building up a wall around himself that Erwin knows will be impossible to break down if he doesn’t act on it soon enough. He knows because Levi is not angry, it’s not like before when he would pick up fights, insult people or randomly leave because it was all too much. Now Levi is calm, reserved, cool. He’s almost too polite with other cadets and he never cares if someone seems to mock him or be exaggeratedly scared of him. He barely shows any emotion to Erwin when they talk or practice together, not even when he sits on the couch as usual to wait for him. Erwin sees him look ahead of him and not move an inch, as if he was too deep into his thoughts.

It’s okay. It’s normal, Erwin thinks, Levi’s lost a friend and he should understand. But that’s not how he had expected Levi to react to it all, and it’s scary. It doesn’t feel right. It’s obvious Levi’s suffering his friend’s loss, Erwin knows the feeling, Erwin can relate, but they never talk about it and there’s nothing he can say to change the situation. It was the titan’s fault, Erwin had said so and convinced Levi of it, because it was true, but what if Levi blames him anyway? What if Levi can’t forgive Erwin for it… what if Levi will never forgive him for Farlan and Isabel? He did say he still can’t trust him.

That’s what Erwin is actually worried for. It’s been years, such a long time, but the guilt and the grief never go away. Still. Erwin knows he deserves it if Levi decides never to f  orgive him, but he can’t help but wish for the contrary, especially after everything that’s happened between them in the past few months

Too much, and not enough. Too much, and Erwin knows he shouldn’t feel what he’s feeling, he can’t 

It’s not enough for him to stop thinking about it, though, especially when he has to see Levi every day and can’t really find any excuses to avoid him. He doesn’t even want to. He’s an adult, he’s a mature man and he can take it. He can. But it’s still not enough. During the day work keeps his mind busy and even though Levi’s there he manages to keep the feelings at bay, but at night… Nights are the hardest.

The moment when he closes his eyes just before falling asleep has become a daily reunion with tender, raw memories of Levi too close to him, staring at him with his beautiful silver eyes, touching him with his cold hands. It’s a slow journey in which Erwin can relive every sensation he’s ever felt in Levi’s presence that ends in dreams he wishes he could stop having. Dreams that show him the life he could never have, the horrors he has to face normally and more, like the unimaginable peace he’ll never grasp. Nights are the hardest because Levi never leaves his mind and Erwin finds himself thinking, over thinking, about what’s been going on between them.

It goes from the memory of feeling Levi’s hard chest under his hand healing on its own, that had amazed Erwin more than the existence of titans itself, to the quiet nights spent reading and writing. From that almost kiss that Erwin has cursed himself for every day to that late evening in his bathroom when Levi had touched him and made him feel like suns and stars were melting in his body and in his heart. That’s the memory that bothers him the most, like a loud echo in his mind always filling his empty thoughts. It’s the memory he keeps reliving, while awake and when asleep.

It’s personal, physical, intimate. It’s something Erwin loves and hates at the same time since it only makes him feel more confused, more drawn to the other man, more in pain because he’s not allowed to feel any of that. It’s not fair to Levi. It wasn’t before, when Levi still wanted to kill him, and it’s not now when Levi has just lost the only good friend he’d made after years. It’s not fair because Erwin had already decided he wouldn’t be involved in any relationship that could compromise his ethic and his job. It’s not fair because he has almost done that, and Levi deserves more, and because Erwin is not even sure what it is that he’s feeling. The only sure thing is that being far away from Levi makes his heart ache and being close to him frustrates him, hurts him.

He knows he cares, but he can’t care more than he does about Mike, or Hanji, or a simple friend. What they’ve had, what Erwin has started, because he’s aware it’s mostly his fault… he hasn’t thought about it long enough, hasn’t considered why he should never have looked at Levi that way in the first place. It had been on impulse, an instinct Erwin couldn’t avoid, the kind that only Levi had ever made him feel, like when they were kids.  

And he can’t stop thinking about Levi’s reaction to Marie. He had probably been right to say those things, to leave, except that Erwin and Marie weren’t a real couple, he just didn’t know.

But what does this all mean? Does this mean that Erwin is falling for him or is this just admiration, respect, interesting attraction for an old friend and nothing more? Does this mean Erwin actually wants Levi? And why does he feel guilty about that? Like he’s only spreading more damage. Maybe he’s just tired… too tired to make sense out of his feelings and thoughts. That must be it. But would it be so wrong if… No. Erwin can’t. He can’t do that to Levi or himself, that would only end up hurting them both.

Despite that Erwin can’t deny that the usual dangerous tension between them is slowly disappearing and it feels good. It does. It’s one thing less Erwin has to stress about. With Aryaa’s death Levi has started to quietly distance himself from him, but Erwin doesn’t mind,  if Levi needs time then he’ll give it to him, that’s the least he can do. He doesn’t mind it if Levi talks to him less or barely looks at him when they speak, it’s fine. It’s fine if there are still many things they should talk about but they don’t. Levi’s told him he’d follow him and Erwin has to trust him, like he needs to make Levi trust him back. It has to be okay, Erwin can’t afford to behave like a spoiled child about this and he has no intention to, no matter how Levi has basically dug himself a special private spot in his head.

Levi has, also, recently asked him to have some time to himself every day after dinner, to be alone and try to cope with everything, and Erwin has agreed. Well, those aren’t the exact words Levi used but Erwin had understood anyway.

They haven’t even talked about their usual evening lessons yet, which Erwin thought were over by this point, but one peaceful night Levi knocks at his office’s door and surprises him.

“Come in.” Erwin says, recognizing Levi from the pattern of the confident knock.

Levi opens the door and walks in, closing it again behind him and leaning against it for a moment. “Hey.” He greets him with a slight nod of his head.

Erwin gives him a light smile. “Do you need something, Levi?”

“No.” He says as he heads for the sofa to take a sit. He doesn’t talk, crossing one skinny leg over the other and leaning his head against the couch behind him. Erwin observes him, not going back to his work yet, and raises his thick eyebrows.

“Do you mind if I ask you why are you here? I thought you wanted- needed some time alone.”

“It’s not like I have much of it anyway, one evening more, one less, it doesn’t change anything for me.” Levi sounds just as emotionless as always, but there’s a hint of something else in his voice, in the way he deviates his eyes away from Erwin.

“Isn’t that better than nothing? You’re not forced to stay, if you don’t want to. There’s nothing to do here.” Erwin tries to be gentle, but Levi seems to take it the wrong way. It’s weird to be gentle and natural with him now that Levi is supposed to be just another colleague, he never knows what to expect of him. Is he going to be rude as he was at the beginning, impartial, or just as kind in return? The latter is the least probable, but sometimes that happens too.

“There’s nothing to do anywhere.” The other clicks his tongue, snapping his short answer. “I’m fine here.”

“What did you do all the other nights?” Erwin asks, curious, placing his pen down on the table for good and focusing entirely on his conversation with Levi. Every time they talk now it’s a new occasion to get to know him better without lies or needed deceptions.

Levi shrugs. “Nothing much. Worked out, mostly. Cleaned.” Then he snorts and looks at Erwin with mild annoyance in his eyes. “Look, if you don’t want me here just say so and I’ll go. Who even cares.” He says so, but he doesn’t move yet.

“That’s not what I meant, I was just wondering.”

There’s a small awkward silence between them until Levi speaks again. “Since we’re already talking about it I have a question.” He moves his eyes away again. Erwin wishes he wouldn’t.  

“Then ask.”

“How much longer is this Wraith crap going to last? I might be bored right now, but I’m tired of following you around all the time. I want to be free from this shitty deal. It’s not like you have to worry anymore, or you still don’t believe me?”

That’s the first time Levi approaches the subject this directly, the first time he puts in doubt Erwin’s decision to trust him, which he never had a problem with. Not even when he shouldn’t have trusted him, but couldn’t help it.

“I’m afraid that’s not what’s stopping me from leaving you time for yourself. I do believe you, but we still need to convince the people at the Capital that you’re useful... and since last expedition didn’t go as well as expected, well, it’s best if we don’t raise the problem to them just yet. I might be able to trust you now, but to them you’re still Wraith, a criminal. To most of the other soldiers, too. I’m sorry Levi.”

Levi rolls his eyes and sighs. “What if I just do as I please? How could they even know?”

“Shadis is still obliged to report to them. I am too, actually.”

“Are you?”

“Yes. Even though now they aren’t as insistent as they were a couple of months ago, that’s a relief.”

“And what do you even say when you report about me?” Levi asks, a hint of empty amusement in his voice.

“Sometimes the truth, mostly what they want to hear. They would notice it if mine and Shadis’ reports were different, though. I wish I could something about this.”

“Get Shadis to lie, then.”

“That’s not what I’m here for. Levi, it’ll probably just be a matter of weeks, months. It’s nothing you can’t endure.” Erwin reassures him, but Levi doesn’t seem happy with his answer. If anything he looks even more annoyed.

“Easy for you to say.”

Erwin is sorry, but deep down he knows he has no rush to make this deal end. That would mean stop seeing Levi as much as he does now, stop keeping an eye on him, stop being in his company no matter how silent or hostile he might be. Erwin smiles, almost fondly, and Levi raises a skeptical brow.

“What?”

“Are you actually bored right now?” He changes the subject thinking about Levi’s recent words, keeping the soft smile on his lips.

“Huh?” Levi doesn’t seem to remember already, though.

“Levi, why are you really here?” Erwin knows there’s something more than simple boredom hidden in Levi’s actions. Levi wouldn’t choose hours sitting on a sofa instead of a chance to train, or mind his own business.

“Unfortunately for the both of us, I’m not here to kill you anymore.” He says sarcastically.

“No, I meant why have you come here, to my office? Not in general.”

“I know you meant that.” Levi smirks for a second, a challenging unexpected spark in his eyes, and Erwin is surprised to hear something resembling a joke, if it can be called that, coming out of his mouth. At least it breaks the tension from the previous conversation when Erwin shakes his head and flashes him a small grin back.

That feels weird too, but so natural that his heart aches for a long moment in which he doesn’t understand what’s actually happening to him. He turns serious again, after that.

“So?”

“You never give up, don’t you?” Levi asks him. Is it the reason he’s there such a secret to tell that he keeps avoiding it?

“You should know that.”

“Yeah, yeah, well… I don’t know, I just needed to…” Levi’s hesitating, something Erwin has seen him do only a few rare times.

“What is it?”

“I don’t want anyone around, but when I’m alone I also end up thinking more than I’d like to. That’s why I train every time I can, it’s to keep the thoughts away, but… Tonight it was just a bit too much, I guess.” Levi confesses with his voice low and his black head turned to the dusty floor.

Erwin nods, even though Levi can’t see him, understanding what he means. Oh, he understands. “Do you want to talk about it?” He knows this is about Aryaa, mostly, but he doesn’t want to push. It’s all up to Levi.

“Fuck, no. I haven’t come here to have my head shrunk.”

“Talking helps, you know-”

“I said no.” Levi interrupts him and quickly stands up, running a hand through his black hair and then rubbing his temples. “I’ll just go to sleep.”

“I may be able to solve your problem.” Erwin says quickly, stopping him from leaving the room.

“Can you go back in time and bring dead people back to life?” Levi snaps without even thinking, his voice upset, his silver eyes unsteady.

Erwin gets up, as Levi observes him, and moves to bring the chair they had brought there a while ago placed near the window closer to the desk, next to his. Then he sits again and gestures Levi to join him. Levi still doesn’t move, tilting his head to the side and looking perplexed.

Erwin inhales deeply. He exhales. “I can’t do that, Levi. But I might be able to grant you some of that free time you want for now, if that’s okay.”

Levi’s expression only grows more confused. “By sitting on a chair next to you?”

Erwin chuckles lightly. “No, of course not, but sitting on this chair means you could get one of those free passes I had promised you a few months ago.”

“Free pass-” Levi realizes. “Oh, so what? I actually need to be a good student to get out of here once in a while? I thought that was just to keep me under control, somehow. Isn’t that the same as me being free whenever, how will you explain this?”

“Exactly as it is. I can’t see why I can’t reward you if you agree to accept omething like this, is it that bad?”

“I guess not.” Levi shrugs. “But I don’t really care about learning how to read and write anymore, I was doing it for Lobov’s documents only.” He explains calmly, and Erwin moves the chair next to him a little more to encourage him to sit anyway.

“If memory serves me right, I remember saying something about you being able to help me with my work once taught how to read and write. That wasn’t a lie, I could really use some help.”

“Then get an assistant. I’ll just wait for this deal to be off.”

“But where’s the fun in that?” Erwin smiles, challenging Levi to agree to the lessons, again. There is still so much Erwin has to teach him, so much time Levi could, should spend practicing, especially the writing part.

“You just want to feel good about yourself, and then gloat once I’ll manage to do those things without your help.”

“That wouldn’t be gloating, that would be being proud of you.”

Levi’s cheeks turn red in the golden dark light of the night overwhelmed by a honeyed candle, his eyebrows forming a surprised frown. He hesitates, but eventually he takes those few necessary steps to get to the chair and flops down on it without any graceful ceremonies. He crosses his arms on his chest and looks away from Erwin.

“Fine, then. As long as you shut up about this.” He says. “And if the free passes will end up being bullshit I’ll personally kick your ass.”

Erwin smiles amused by Levi’s words and unusual embarrassed reaction. “They won’t. I’ll keep my word, but only if you’ll study hard.”

Levi still doesn’t turn around to look at him in the eyes, making an annoyed noise, and Erwin relaxes while seriously taking into consideration the way Levi must be feeling right now. The way Levi is willing to talk to him instead of just shutting himself off like the past few weeks. He’s not exactly opening up, but this is better than silence; it’s something.

“It will keep your mind busy. It’ll help, trust me.”

Levi turns around slowly, then, finally locking his iron gaze with Erwin’s. It makes Erwin stop breathing for a moment because Levi looks beautiful, even in his apparent distress. And… and Erwin shouldn’t think of this.

“Is that why you’re working all the time?” Levi asks him keeping his voice low, but clear. He sounds like he’s desperately grasping for hope, for reassurance, for someone to tell him this will all stop.

“Work is not really a choice for me, but you could say that. I am always a bit lost without it, I know what it means to start over thinking and not being able to stop. I wouldn’t want that to happen to you more than it already is.” Erwin thinks about the past few nights spent thinking about Levi and it’s true, working helps. It’s a good distraction. Giving him lessons again is probably a bad move but Levi needs it, and Erwin is willing.

“Do you have a lot to think about?”

“What do you think?”

“Yeah, dumb question. Well, okay. You convinced me… again. I don’t know if I like that, but I don’t have much of a choice.” Levi says eventually, looking almost disappointed by his own decision to trust Erwin with this.

“You do. This time you do, I’m not forcing you even though I’d like you to accept.”

“Right.”

“What is it?” Erwin asks, hearing something off in that last pronounced word.

“Why are you like this?” That doesn’t sound good, more like an insult.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t get it. With your soldiers you’re always so severe and serious, with Mike and the others you’re mostly quiet, but when it comes to me…”

Erwin raises his eyebrows, mentally hoping that people would just stop thinking he’s such a cold-hearted person towards the other soldiers. He’s just doing and behaving as he must, nothing wrong with it. Still, he wants Levi to continue, where is he getting at?

“Never mind.”

“If you don’t tell me what it is that bothers you, then how can I make it better? What is it? What do I do when it comes to you that you don’t like?” Erwin really has no idea, and he’s already thinking of the worst, as if Levi could read his most secret thoughts.

“You’re disgustingly kind and understanding, especially since- Since. That’s what bothers me.”

“That-” Words get stuck in his throat. What? He can’t help but laugh, a low deep chuckle that quickly catches Levi’s attention and leaves him hanging as he stares at Erwin as if he were mad.

“I didn’t know, really.” Erwin smiles at him. “Should I start being the opposite?”

“What? No, you-” Levi scoffs, rolling his eyes. “You’re probably not even capable of that.”

“You don’t think I could be rude, or cruel?”

Levi stares at him intently before replying, squinting his eyes. There’s something on his face that tells Erwin that yes, he does believe Erwin could be that, and he’s not sure how to interpret that. But Levi breaks the eye-contact and puts an end to the conversation.

“Just keep it down with the ultra kindness, alright?” He wiggles in his chair and quietly slams his hands on the table. “So, you promised a distraction. Get on with it.”

Erwin smiles for the last time, thinking that Levi’s words won’t probably stop him from behaving that way with him. Erwin barely notices he does that, how can he suddenly stop? Sure, he knows he treats Levi differently but… it’s not his fault. He’s sure it isn’t.

And so Erwin fishes for his glasses, because his eyes are getting too tired, brings out a book or two and picks up the lessons from when they left off. He makes Levi focus on writing, mostly, still without helping him like the first time and avoiding touch as much as possible even though his hand itches and twitches under the table every time Levi’s in difficulty. Or when a lock of black hair falls over his forehead and he feels the instinct of gently tucking it behind his ear. Or when a single, lonely eyelash lies on his pale cheek and he wants to brush it away, caressing Levi’s soft skin in the meantime. Or when all he can think about is the way Levi’s lips have once been so close to his to almost drive him crazy. Oh, this is bad. But Erwin doesn’t move an inch and he looks just as composed as always.

Eventually they forget about the writing, switch to the reading, and end up talking about things they would only talk about once, years ago. Things like great men and the adventures they used to read about, like the world outside the walls, like the ocean and the sky.

It’s Erwin who does most of the talking, as they both get sleepier as the time passes. Levi leans against the table, placing his head on his crossed arms, and closes his eyes while Erwin keeps telling him about stories and interesting facts he’s never had a chance to share with anyone. He’s not sure whether he’s sleeping or listening, but sometimes Levi’s lips tilt up, so he guesses he’s not asleep after all. Erwin’s sure that if they were outside Levi would be already curling up on the ground, like a little fox, like he used to do when they were children.

Still, it’s nice to see him like that, relaxing on the desk and trying to forget everything that’s wrong. Erwin wonders if that’s why Levi had said once he likes the sound of his voice; anyway he’s not bothered by it. If anything he wishes he could have the strength to keep talking all night long to grant him some more peace, after everything they have gone through this moment feels unreal. A moment he doesn’t want to disappear, but will have to.

It’s three o’clock in the morning when Erwin yawns deeply and places a gentle hand on Levi’s shoulder.

“Levi, it’s late. Let’s go to bed.” It sounds so natural, intimate, but they both don’t notice it much, too exhausted to care. Levi groans annoyedly as he straightens up.

“It’s far.” He complains as he grimaces and rubs his eyes, and Erwin is amused to see him like that. It’s not a part of him that Levi would have let him see before.

“I have no intention of carrying you.” Erwin smiles and Levi grunts, moving up and away from the chair, stretching his arms and his slender back before reaching for the door.

“Once was enough.” He replies, but Erwin frowns.

“Mh?” He wonders what he’s talking about when- “Are you referring to that night when you were drunk?”

“Whatever.” Levi freezes, then shrugs and opens the door as he steps outside and Erwin follows him. They are going in the same direction anyway.

“I thought you didn’t remember most part of it.” Erwin says, catching up with him in less than a few seconds. Long legs help, sometimes.

“Apparently I remember that.” He’s still looking down at the floor, and it’s not because he’s sleepy or too tired to focus, Erwin notices.

“You were quite amusing that day.” He smiles, but Levi only looks worse, as if he didn’t want to have this conversation in a million years.

They walk in silence for several minutes more, almost getting to their rooms. “What’s wrong?” Erwin eventually asks.

“...iar.” Levi mumbles, only it’s too low and Erwin doesn’t understand.

They stop in front of Erwin’s door. “Mh?”

“You’re a liar.” Levi says, finally looking up even though his eyes are evidently dying to move away from Erwin’s face.

“I don’t understand.”

Levi sighs. “The morning after that night you told me I hadn’t said anything… that I hadn’t done anything. But I did remember, eventually, and that wasn’t true.”

Erwin remembers Levi’s words, the kiss on his hand and-

“Anyway, I know it’s not a big lie. I don’t really care.”

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to feel embarrassed about it.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not. I just told you I don’t care.”

Erwin smiles, then. “As you say. Good night, then.”

Levi rolls his eyes and shrugs, but before he goes he glances at Erwin’s face a second too long and raises his hand. Erwin’s heart has already stopped, his eyes have widened, what is Levi do-

Levi’s hand reaches for his face and then his finger bumps into Erwin’s glasses once, making them bounce on his nose slightly.

“You forgot to take those off .” He says and turns around, walking towards his own room and leaving Erwin speechless. He looks at him one last time before entering, muttering a quick goodnight.

Erwin does the same, going in and getting welcomed by the soft darkness of the place. He sighs deeply. Shaking his head and undressing he forces himself to stop thinking about what he thought Levi was going to do, like an excited and dumb fifteen year old, and finally goes to sleep. That night Levi is in head again, but this time the thoughts are nice, they don’t overwhelm him, they don’t hurt. He focuses on good, platonic moments and it feels nice. He falls asleep with the thought, the memory of Levi holding his hand and kissing it softly.

Closing his eyes feels good, for once.

***

And so the days pass quietly, silently mostly, but Levi keeps his word and he doesn’t disappoint Erwin during their evening classes. He never hesitates to stay in his office, he never complains about wanting more free time, he doesn’t come up with the whole ‘Wraith’ deal anymore apparently accepting his situation. Erwin doesn’t push on the matter and he’s almost relieved Levi doesn’t ask and doesn’t stress about it.

Erwin’s feelings, repressed emotions and ambiguous thoughts, remain, but he’s getting better and better at not showing any of them, almost at keeping them away at night too. He thought it was going to be harder now that he has to pass more alone time with Levi but the contrary is happening. His presence is like a reminder that he’s there, he’s staying, and he doesn’t need to worry about what his heart feels. Not right now, at least.

Levi is the same, showing something close to nothing except for good manners and  behavior and attention when and if Erwin has to explain something to him. He still has that emptiness in his eyes that seems to get darker with every passing day, but he does everything to hide it with small sighs and tired gazes that he never locks with his, and Erwin does everything to respect that and leaves things alone. That is until it doesn’t get too dark, then he’ll do something.

They quickly fall into an untroubled routine, then. Every day is the same and every night they share peaceful moments. At the end of the second week Erwin starts to notice how differently Levi acts around the others and around him. He notices how lifeless he looks when he talks to the other soldiers, when he trains alone or when he eats with them in the dining hall. But it’s also evident how Levi tends to talk a little more, react a little more, suffer a little less when he’s with him. It’s nothing too big, it’s in the little things. Mostly,during those late hours at night, they are starting to behave like… like friends, again.

It’s different from the way it was before, when they were children, and it’s different from the way they used to deal with each other before too, no matter how much sometimes they both had put their walls down. It’s a new warm feeling, like a sister’s smile or a mother’s caress more than the thrill Erwin is used to. They never touch, either, they don’t argue and there’s no more tension between them. It’s a mystery to understand whether that’s because they are making progress or because of Levi’s situation. Some days are better than others though. Sometimes Levi smiles a little more and some others he shuts off completely, not telling Erwin, though. Either way Levi treats him like a friend now, he’s finally able to help him with work a little, he learns and he even makes sarcastic jokes from time to time that don’t sting but only make Erwin laugh.

Levi asks for his free passes, though. He asks and when the first time Erwin is about to say no he gets mad, so he lets him without questioning it. At first Erwin presses, saying he’d at least like to know where Levi is going to go, but Levi refuses to tell him. The first two times he gives him permission, earned well because Levi is making great progress with writing as well, and he doesn’t investigate. He tries to fill his days with work to keep busy and not think about it, but then he breaks his own promise not to invade Levi’s privacy and he follows him. More than merely curious he feels himself being worried, almost aggressively and possessively so, but that’s not what he tells Mike when he asks him to go with him to check on Levi.

Mike, who Erwin hasn’t spent time with for a while and he feels guilty for, gladly accepts. Even though Erwin has told him several times that Levi can be trusted now his friend still has his doubts, still says Levi smells wrong, whatever that means, though Erwin can guess what’s wrong with Levi that Mike doesn’t know. Spending time with Mike doesn’t feel awkward, it never has, not even if they are actually spying on a person, it feels like the first time, when they were only looking for Wraith. Levi doesn’t seem to notice them, even though he stops and turns around three or four times as they follow. They don’t talk much, but when they see him sneaking into what seems to be an abandoned building in ruins the first, the second, the third time and so on they begin to exchange opinions. Mike is convinced Levi is up to no good, what could he possibly do in such a place? But when he gets out of that hole a couple of hours later Levi doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong, he looks exactly the same, maybe a little bit worn out. His eyes a little more red, but not in the angry anomalous way. In an exhausted way, showing a part of him he would never dare to make anyone see.

Erwin doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t want to talk behind Levi’s back and he doesn’t want to argue with Mike either. He does wonder what Levi is doing there but of course he can’t ask him directly, Levi would hate him for it. He knows it’s wrong, he knows he shouldn’t but… Erwin stops after a few times. He doesn’t need to follow Levi, he’ll come back, he’s not going to do something reckless. He hopes so.

Some days are worse than others, too. And Erwin can’t seem to forget the expression of Levi’s face after coming out of that ruined building in the city. He has seen Levi being angry and desperate and upset, but now it’s different all over again, because when days are bad it means that Levi doesn’t let him in. That’s what hurts the most, when Erwin has the time to let himself feel that way. He tries his best not to, because it’s Levi’s business, because if Levi wants to talk about it he will, because… because maybe it’s just too hard to always think of him.

Trying to help, one sunny autumn day Erwin decides to interrupt work and drags Levi outside where people are still training in the early hours of the morning.

“Aren’t we supposed to be practicing later?” Levi asks emotionless as he follows Erwin outside without questioning his decision too much, almost as if he didn’t care at all. Because he didn’t.

“Yes.” Erwin replies shortly as he reaches for Mike and Nanaba, who are now training the first round of cadets for the morning. Erwin knows Mike doesn’t enjoy the activity too much, but having Nanaba there helps.

“So why are we here?”

Erwin doesn’t answer him, instead he greets Mike and the others, whispers something in Mike and Nanaba’s ear and waits for their reaction. Mike doesn’t do much except for raising his eyebrows in doubt and staring at Levi, studying him. Nanaba seems enthusiastic instead, not the way Hange would have been, but still happily surprised.

“That’s okay for me.” She says, shooting a smile at Levi.

“As long as he doesn’t hurt anyone, it’s fine for me too.” Mike nods his head, trusting Nanaba’s opinion more than Erwin’s for once. Erwin smiles, pleased to hear that.

“Perfect.”

“Haven’t you all noticed? I’m still here, still not knowing what the fuck you’re all talking about?” Levi says. “So?”

Erwin turns to face him, giving him a calm but serious look. “I think it’s a good idea if you start training other soldiers too.”

There’s a confused, mumbled noise coming from the small crowd of cadets, who don’t seem so excited about it, but Erwin ignores them as Mike makes them shut up with a quick glance. Levi doesn’t seem excited about it either, not at all.

“Out of the question.” The small man states blankly and turns around, already pacing toward the main camp’s building.

Erwin sighs, he knew this was going to happen. He runs to him and stops him by placing a firm hand on his shoulder. He feels Levi breathe in deeply.

“I’m not doing this.”

Erwin slowly paces around him to be able to look at him in the face, but it’s not much help since Levi is not glancing up. Erwin hopes he hasn’t worsened the situation, actually he doesn’t even know if that’s a possibility by now, if he can give Levi permission to train other soldiers, but what good does it do to have him all the day caged up in a room with him? Yes, Levi can help him with papers and work now, but everybody knows he’s much better at this.

“Why not? It could be good for you.”

“They won’t listen to me anyway.”

“Make them, then. Give them a reason to.”

“No.” Levi is stubborn, his voice on the verge of cracking.

“You’re scared.” Erwin says, more to himself than Levi, but that makes the other raise his chin up and stare at him with angry, eyes cold. “You’re scared you might get attached again.”

“I’m not scared. I’m simply not good at this, even with Ar- even with Aryaa I never had enough patience.” Levi manages to say, his hands shaking slightly, his fists clenching.

“I don’t think that’s true, you are a good teacher. She certainly believed so.”

“She believed in too many things.” Levi says in a painful whisper.

“Listen to me, Levi.” Erwin says, his voice deep, low and only for Levi to hear. “I’m scared too, to lose somebody important. Everyone here is, you’re not the only one. But you can’t be alone forever, isolating yourself won’t make you feel better. Now, I’m not saying you have to become friends with everybody, but you do need to build the trust.”

Levi swallows, doesn’t say anything.

“Give it a try, they need you. You need them. Besides, it’s another way to keep busy and to free yourself of my presence for a while.” Erwin tries to lighten the situation, not sure if he should, but the words are out already.

“You know how I feel about trust.” Levi rolls his eyes, and then his lips open but he stops himself from saying whatever he was going to say.

“It’s just one more reason to try. You just need to give them some advice, help them here and there, nothing too difficult or complicated.”

“Think I’m too stupid to do complicated?”

“What? No. I didn’t mean it like that, I-”

“I know what you meant. Shut up.” Levi interrupts him and waves a hand in front of him to stop Erwin from apologizing. They stare at each other for several seconds, Erwin waiting for an answer and Levi looking at him like there’s something else.

“Levi?” Erwin talks first.

“I didn’t know you were scared.” Levi tells him; a shy, ashamed confession.

“I didn’t know you were too, at first.” Erwin smiles at him, and just like that Levi nods and turns around. Another sign of trust, step by step.

He goes to Mike and Nanaba and all Erwin does is stare. They divide the cadets in three groups, and start working. He stays in the yard for several minutes, watching Levi as he talks to the young, inexperienced people in front of him who all look so scared but so fascinated at the same time. Some of them look at Levi with admiration, others with surprise, as if they can’t believe Levi is human just like them and there’s no reason to think he’s a monster. Erwin hopes everyone will forget about that, eventually. Maybe even Levi.

He thought Levi was going to have difficulties with this, he thought maybe he had been a good teacher to Aryaa only, but when the actual training starts he observes him and it’s clear that’s untrue. Levi seems to be completely natural at it, despite what he’s just said to him, and Erwin wonders why he hasn’t thought about this before. It’s true, he sees him losing his patience from time to time, but he stays, he waits and he keeps trying. Well, the cadets keep trying, anyway. Erwin feels absurdly proud. He can’t help but smile, and when Levi catches him doing so he doesn’t try to hide it. Levi only shakes his head and silently tells him to go away with a nod of his head. Erwin does, even though he keeps observing him from his office’s window every few minutes.

Two hours later Mike joins him in his office, which Erwin wasn’t expecting, ready to greet Levi instead.

“Always working, huh?” Mike jokes as he enters, after a quick salute.

“I’m afraid I don’t have much of a choice.” Erwin smiles back, putting his pen down and looking up at his friend. “Has something happened?”

“You know, you don’t have to worry all the time.” Mike seems to be in a good mood, it’s odd. “No. Nothing happened.”

“I imagine there’s a reason why you’re here, though.”

“There is.” Mike sighs and gives him a small smile. “I suppose I was wrong about Levi.”

“Were you?”

“Oh, don’t be such a smartass. You know better than I do why I didn’t trust him. I still don’t, to be honest, he still smells like he’s hiding something, like there’s something too big we don’t know, but today he proved himself to be a good person. As much as Levi can be, anyway.”

“What do the cadets think?”

“They seemed happy, thrilled. I heard one them saying that they were finally learning something new. I don’t know if I’m supposed to take that as an insult, but it’s fine as long as they don’t hate Levi, I suppose.” Erwin can’t help but lightly chuckle at that, poor Mike.

“I’m glad to hear that. He needs this.”

“Mh. Does Shadis know you’re letting him do this?”

“Not yet.”

“Do you think he’ll approve?”

“Maybe. I hope so, even if he doesn’t I’ll convince him.”

“Oh, I bet you will.” Mike says, smirking slyly.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Erwin arches his eyebrows, scrutinizing Mike’s expression.

“You know what I mean. We both know you’re very good at… convincing people.”

“Am I supposed to feel insulted?” Erwin asks, finding Mike’s words amusing, like they were only kids teasing each other.

“On the contrary, I think your manipulation skills have turned out to be very useful. It would be a pity if you didn’t have them.”

“I don’t manipulate people.”

Mike shoots him a skeptical stare.

“I don’t like manipulating people. Better? Not if there is another way to get what I want, what I need. It’s not something I particularly enjoy doing. Sometimes I don’t even notice it.”

“Well, aren’t we all lucky?”

Both Erwin and Mike turn their heads quickly towards the door, towards the new raspy voice interrupting their conversation.

“And here I was saying nice things about you.” Mike says as he rolls his eyes under his long blonde bangs.

“Levi, come in.” Erwin says.

“Maybe take a shower first.” Mike grimaces, and Levi’s eyes narrow into slits.

“Mike, there’s no need to be rude.”

“It’s because you’re not able to smell it.”

“I could say the same about you.” Levi replies back, still not entering the room, though. Erwin finds it ridiculous, as if he could be actually bothered by a little sweat, but it’s almost comforting to see them bicker like this. Nothing mean behind it.

“I was about to go anyway.” Mike says, looking at Erwin for a quick goodbye, but Levi talks first.

“Don’t bother, I’m not staying. I just-” Levi hesitates, first looking at Erwin and then at Mike, as if he couldn’t speak in front of him too.

“Yes?” Erwin invites him to go on.

“Nothing. Whatever, I’m going to take this damn shower. See you later.” He snaps and then, one second later, he’s gone. Erwin feels almost sad about it, for no particular reason at all.

Mike and he share a confused glance, they shrug and then Mike leaves too.

Erwin will keep feeling proud of Levi all day long.

***

It’s mid november when it happens. Erwin is done with his usual four hours of morning work and is heading for his room when he frowns and speeds up as he hears someone yelling and it doesn’t take him long to pick up the word ‘Levi’ among the screaming. He’s not running but he’s close to that. As soon as he turns around the corner he sees Levi and another boy… was he someone he recognizes from somewhere? fighting and hitting each other. It doesn’t take an expert eye to see that it’s actually Levi the one hitting him, or trying not to, as the other is saying something to him that is evidently upsetting him. Erwin gets closer and catches a few words, about Aryaa and about how Levi should feel guilty about it. He should die.

Levi has that look in his eyes that screams danger, that makes Erwin excited with curiosity and worried because he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, especially not now. He reaches for them and coughs loudly, clearing his throat. He’s about to say something but the boy (he really does look familiar) scoffs and spits blood on the ground.

“Look who’s come to save you. You’re lucky, you monster.”

Erwin is taken aback, no kid has ever treated him like that before, no one except for Levi, not during the last few years at the very least. He blinks surprised, shocked, but instead of acting on he merely stands there, staring at the boy like it’s better if he doesn’t say anything more. The kid looks at him with disgust, then at Levi, and leaves quickly. Levi, on the other hand, is still panting, his fists clenched at his sides and his eyebrows drawn together in an angry frown.

“Levi?” Erwin speaks, taking a step closer to him. Levi seems far gone, looking at the floor under as if he had just been emptied of all emotions. Even though the situation is unpleasant, that’s the most of a reaction that anyone has managed to get out of him ever since Aryaa’s death. It’s something.

“I can’t do this.” Levi mutters, whispers to himself. He shakes his head and rubs his face with the palm of his shaky hands. He breathes deeply, calming himself down. Erwin waits, and when Levi is done with it the usual stoic expression comes back as if he’s trying to hide the chaotic whirl of feelings inside of him as best as he can. Because no one can see, no one can touch him.

“Are you-”

“I’m fine.” Levi interrupts him, fixing his shirt and jacket and turning to leave.

“Wait, Levi.” Erwin extends a hand to stop him, even though he can’t reach him. Still too far. “I was just about to train, care to join me?”

Levi gives him a quick studying look from head to toe. He arches an eyebrow. “No, you weren’t.”

Erwin is not exactly dressed for it, but what does it matter? “I am if I say so. What do you say?” He tries with an almost invisible smile.

Levi shrugs and without saying anything leads the way for the training room, he already knows Erwin is not going to let him get away with it anyway. Erwin follows, happy for the little obedience. Is it? Is obedience what he even wants? He doesn’t dwell on it, instead he takes his jacket off and once in the room he makes everyone else go outside. They are ready to scatter and run, and Erwin and Levi remain alone, which makes Levi scoff again.

“What?” He asks Levi as they both take their shirts off too, it’s rather difficult to exercise, or spar, with one on. Levi folds it and places it on one of the benches at the sides, whereas Erwin barely drops it on it, he’s not one for tidiness but they already know that.

“Nothing.” His voice feels even emptier than his face.

Erwin takes a deep breath as he starts approaching the delicate subject. “I’m not blind, Levi, and it’s clear as day that something has been bothering you, so whether you’re angry or sad I’m offering you a fight. Let go, vent, do something.”

“Of course something’s bothering me, an asshole just-” Levi shrugs. “Nevermind.”

“I’m not talking about that, and you know it.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” Levi asks, almost pleads for an answer to his problems in a sudden sincerity Erwin wasn’t expecting.

“Open up.”

“Is this your way to do that?”

“It’s the only way I know that might work for you.”

“Why do you always think fighting is the answer for me?”

“Am I wrong?” Erwin asks, tilting his head to study him. Ever since they were kids Levi had seemed to have a certain inclination for violence. No, not violence. Instinct, and that’s what Erwin is trying to give him right now.

Levi wrinkles his nose, he looks unsure. “Are we sure you’re doing this for me… and not for you?”

“Well, maybe I need to let go of things too. You’re right.” Erwin has been tense for weeks. Yes, things are better, but there’s always something… something blocking him. Blocking them.

Levi chuckles without emotion. “I wasn’t talking about that, but alright.”

Erwin stays silent, squinting his eyes and feeling a familiar shiver running down his spine. He knows what Levi is talking about, how could he not? “Is it so wrong if I enjoy it?” His lips stretch into a teasing smirk. He can have his fun too, besides that might help to break the ice and lighten up the mood.

“If you enjoy what?” Levi spits, trying to look uninterested.

“To feel a little pain.”

The man in front of him stops fidgeting with his hands and looks at him straight in the eyes, he swallows hard. There is a sparkle of acknowledgment flashing behind them, as if he knew exactly what Erwin was talking about. Possibly, it means something completely different for Levi.

“No.” He hesitates, but Erwin remembers how Levi had always seemed not to react to pain much. “But you’re weird.”

“It’s not the first time someone calls me that. Or you.” His smile grows wider, and Levi rolls his eyes.

“Right.” He says, and then Levi steps forward him.

He rolls his shoulders and cracks his neck quickly, Erwin is ready to block him but… Levi throws a punch. It’s a weak one, it has no meaning, no strength, no determination, no life. Erwin doesn’t even need to dodge, it goes straight to his wide bare chest and rests there for a few seconds. Levi hides his face behind his dark bangs and looks down.

“What was that? It didn’t even itch.” Erwin says, frowning, almost mocking him. He needs to bring something out of him, anything, like that annoying boy had just done.

“Maybe I lost my strength.” He excuses himself.

Erwin raises his thick eyebrows. “I sincerely doubt that.”

Levi throws another slow, insignificant punch that Erwin blocks before he can even land, predicting the other man’s move seconds before. He frowns, thinking that he could start the fight, but he doesn’t want to. This, despite what they just talked about, is not about him, it’s about Levi letting his anger, pain and frustration out, and Erwin is there to take it all, but not so easily. Another slap, a quick one that doesn’t reach Erwin’s waist, a deep sigh that shows Levi doesn’t want to be there. Erwin steps back and looks down at him.

“I have never seen you like this.”

“That’s because you don’t know me as well as you think you do.” Levi judges him with a freezing look, it makes Erwin understand he’s right. As if he didn’t know it already. “A few weeks of peace are not enough to… What do _you_ know?”

“Nothing.” Erwin replies, they have already talked about this several times, it always comes to that and Levi always has the power to make guilt drown him alive like the first time.

“Exactly.”

“Then tell me. Why don’t you begin with what happened just now? Why did you and that boy fight?”

Levi seems reluctant to reply. “Aryaa. He thinks-”  A short reply that means everything.

Erwin nods ever so slightly as he starts noticing the little changes that are happening in Levi’s expression. “And what did you say to me right after you found her dead?”

Levi flinches at the last word, a trembling gaze looks at him. “I told you it was your fault.”

“And then?”

“That it was mine.” There is a crimson flash that sparks up in Levi’s eyes and as if he had finally unlocked, as if saying those words out loud finally broke him, he jumps forward to attack Erwin.

His expression is completely furious, unhuman. It’s alarming, but thrilling, to look at Levi and see the way enemies saw him, without a flicker of compassion or familiarity in his bright red eyes now that he has snapped. The fight begins in a flurry of movements, with Levi delivering a series of decisive attacks that Erwin barely manages to dodge as usual. Levi is quick, he’s strong, he’s lethal.

The fight continues for a while damaging the both of them, Erwin’s attacks and blocks slower than Levi’s but just fast enough to keep him free and able to respond well, until Levi suddenly wrenches Erwin around and snaps him back. Levi captures him in a headlock, their half-naked bodies pressed together and Erwin gasping for air. It’s incredible how much strength he has in his tiny body, and even though Erwin has already fought with him it seems like this time he’s outdoing himself. Anger can do that. Erwin can feel his heart thundering in his chest hard enough to be a physical ache, and Levi’s arm against his windpipe is slowly taking his breath and ability to think away. And thank god Erwin is as tall as he is.

Despite his increased awareness, Erwin still doesn’t understand how one second he’s standing and the next Levi has him pinned to the ground face down. Levi’s speed is incredible to the point of incredulity. His blue eyes are wide with pain as Levi’s fingers practically crush his lower arms and wrenches them up behind his back at an awkward angle.

Erwin struggles, trying to buck Levi off him, to twist to the side or find a weakness in the hold but there’s none. He is incapable of moving and they both know it. Levi is too powerful, and out of control.

Erwin groans one noise too loud, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to think about his possibilities, but Levi suddenly returns to his senses and lets go of him just as quickly as he had gotten him to the ground. Erwin turns around fast and leans on his elbows, panting, while Levi is already up to his feet looking down at him with distress painted all over his pale face.

“What-” Levi frowns, as if he were trying to understand what just happened, as if he didn’t know, notice. He takes a long look at Erwin’s body, which doesn’t look good, and sighs.

“God, I didn’t meant to do that. I didn’t…” He looks so tired, but at last he offers Erwin a hand to help him stand.

Erwin is surprised, but doesn’t let it show. Instead he looks at him calmly, seriously. “Levi, tell me, whose fault was it?”

Levi takes a deep breath, his eyes back to the usual silver Erwin loves. “The titans.”

Erwin smiles and accepts Levi’s hand. He stands up but their hands don’t unlock for a little longer, they need a kind gesture after the fight and maybe Erwin doesn’t want to let go of that cold familiar hand. Levi shakes his head and eventually withdraws his arm, he picks his shirt up and leaves the room without a word. It’s always like this with him, one second they’re close the other Levi runs away… Erwin wishes he wouldn’t do that.

***

Erwin wakes up in the middle of the night sweating, cold, hot, with his head aching and spinning as if someone had made him go around in circles for hours, his throat sore and his mouth dry. At first he doesn’t understand what’s happening, but then he falls back to sleep and dreams of nightmares too hard to remember the moment he reopens his eyes, and the former feeling has only gotten worse.

He tries to get up, but it’s impossible to move. He doesn’t show up at breakfast, lunch, doesn’t go to his office, and obviously the first people to knock on his door and forcedly come in are Hange and Levi, followed by Mike. Erwin is so relieved when he sees them because, truly, he wouldn’t have had the strength to call anyone out.

“What is this?” Hange talks a bit too loud for his hurting head and Erwin grimaces.

“He’s sick.” Mike says after smelling the air for a long second.

“Well, no shit, of course he’s sick just take a look at him.” Levi says and shakes his head heading for the window above Erwin’s bed. “We need to change the air in here.” He opens it, even though he needs to stand on his tip-toe to do so, and Erwin knows he would have chuckled in a different situation.

The cold air that rushes in from outside makes Erwin shiver and curl up in his blankets. He makes a face and Levi scoffs at him, sitting down on the chair next to the bed. Hanji tells Mike to go make a soup or something and nears the bed to visit Erwin as best as she can. She touches his forehead and Erwin appreciates the warmth of her hand, but the way she widens her eyes doesn’t comfort him.

“I don’t think there’s much to say here, you’ve got a bad fever big boy.” Erwin groans and shakes his head, he can’t. He can’t have a fever, he can’t afford to be sick, that will take days to go away.

“So what do we do?” Levi asks, crossing his legs and studying Erwin’s face, who’s not so happy about it. He hates feeling this weak, not in control.

“We wait? I’ll get him some healing herbs, that should help, but mostly he needs to rest. He’s tough and strong, a fever won’t kill him, besides… how did you even catch it?” She faces him and Erwin merely register what she’s saying. Except for the word ‘healing’, that’s a good word.

“Someone should watch him, though, in case he gets worse.”

“Figures.” Levi comments and Erwin finds that amusing too, only he doesn’t even know whether that is reality or a funny dream, his head is starting to feel too dizzy. He needs to rest...

“Oi! He’s still your boss, we need to take care of him.”

“I don’t take care of people.”

“A good chance to start.” Hange chirps away and after that everything becomes dark. Erwin passes out.

Erwin spends the next four days between reality and dream, barely acknowledging his friends’ presence, Levi’s too. He especially never understands whether Levi is actually there or not because, to nobody’s surprise, all he dreams about is him. He spends four days deep in the dark, golden forest he used to know helplessly looking for Levi. A simple search turns into a nightmare chase in the matter of a second and sometimes he’s the one running away from a monster, not the other way around. What’s worse is that he never finds Levi in these dreams, his illness feels like broken desperation when he’s running in the woods with short legs and small hands… he’s a child again. The trees become titans, animals become people who hate him, judge him, the sky is a trap and the ground tricks him. He sees him again, that creepy boy he had seen in his first dream about the forest ever. Most times than not he wakes up screaming, every now and then he feels someone sitting on the bed next to him telling him there is no need to look for Levi. He’s there. He never knows who’s talking.

Sometimes he hears a voice telling him he doesn’t have to worry, a small hand caressing his sweaty cheek.

The morning of the fifth day he wakes up early and more rested than usual. His head feels lighter, his throat gives him peace, he manages to move and sit up in the mild dark of the room and his back thanks him for it. He’s still sick, but at least now he knows he’s actually awake, he can try to understand how that even happened… he guesses training with Levi without his shirt on and sweating that much in such a cold weather were the main causes. He chuckles to himself, even though that hurts like hell, wondering if he’s grown even taller how his father used to tell him when he’d get sick.

He rubs his eyes and wrinkles his nose when he smells himself, he definitely needs a bath. He tries to move his legs to get out of the bed but his head betrays him and he almost falls head down on the floor. Someone stops him, though, strong hands on his shoulders.

“Not so fast.” Levi’s voice says, and Erwin looks up to see the other man is actually there. A quick look behind him to understand he’s been there all the time, or at least all night, on that lonely uncomfortable chair next to his bed.

“I need-” Erwin talks and the sound of his own voice sounds weird after days of silence.

“What?” Levi asks, not too patiently.

“Need to get up. Bath. Work-”

“Oh, woah, okay. One thing at a time, alright?” Levi frowns. “I agree on the bath thing. Just lie down and wait a minute, I’ll be right back.”

Erwin nods because there’s not much else he can do and goes back to rest on the mattress with Levi’s help, whose hands are much gentler than the tone of his words. He hears him pace away and run the water in the bathroom next door.

“How are you feeling?” Levi asks when he enters the bedroom again. While Erwin is trying to put some words together Levi opens the window, drags the blankets away from him, makes him sit up and takes his shirt off.

“Better.”

“How better? Can you walk?” Levi continues as he checks Erwin’s forehead and proceeds to methodically take his pants off too, just like with a patient if he were a nurse. Erwin wasn’t wearing underwear, at least that will be easier for Levi.

“I can try.” Erwin sighs and shivers. “It’s cold.”

“It’s either that or germs everywhere. Do you have any idea how long will I have to stay here to clean this shithole?” Levi comments putting an arm under Erwin’s shoulder and trying to pick him up from the bed. Erwin has no idea how this is going to happen since Levi’s smaller than him, but he appreciates the support.

“Who said you-” He breathes in deeply, talking is still hard. “Have to… clean.”

“I said it. Because no one else will, especially not you, and it’s just- It’s disgusting.” Erwin manages a low chuckle and even Levi loosens up after that, giving him a small comforting look. “Come on.”

They are able to get to the bathtub just fine, but getting in it’s a little more complicated. Still, Levi carefully lies him down in the hot water, which feels so good Erwin unconsciously lets out a moan of actual pleasure that makes Levi blush slightly. Levi doesn’t show any more signs of embarrassment or distress, though, and it’s like nothing had never happened in that room all those weeks ago. Erwin tries not to think about it, enjoying the single moment of tranquility he can have, and Levi keeps busy softly rubbing the sweat and illness away from his tall body. It’s nice, but extremely strange, to being taken care of this way.

Levi stops for a second. 

“What is it?” Erwin asks, happy to find his voice is starting to come back fully.

“Is this the titans’ fault too, huh?” Erwin laughs softly and shakes his head, surprised as always to hear a joke coming out from Levi’s mouth.

Levi smiles too.

***

Erwin spends two days and two nights more in bed incapable of doing much else, but at least the fever has turned into an annoying cold and he doesn’t have nightmares anymore, just heavy sleep. Hange, Levi and Mike give each others turn to take care of him and even though both his old friends are good to him Erwin’s preference falls on Levi every time. It’s giving them moments of intimacy he would have never dreamed of, and maybe he’s selfish to think that, but he doesn’t care. There are so many bad things to think about, so much work he’s behind with, too many problems and too much death… being sick and weak, for once, feels like a gift.

One night during Levi’s turn his coughing starts acting up, making his lungs itch and burn.

“God, can you stop?” Levi says, opening one eye while he’s resting his head against the wall and is trying to sleep a bit.

“I’m sorry-” Erwin coughs again, and Levi loses his patience standing up and approaching the bed.

“Shit. Fine, get up.”

Erwin looks up as he covers his mouth with his fist, frowning confused. “Why?” He doesn’t feel like standing up, or walking for all that matter.

“We’re going down to the kitchens.” It doesn’t look like Levi is going to take no for an answer and Erwin merely shrugs and nods, taking his blanket with him, thinking maybe a little walk will help him. Still, he doesn’t see why they’re going there this late at night, he’s not even hungry.

They get there after ten long minutes and Levi complains about every cough on the way, but eventually the black-haired man makes him seat at one of the kitchen’s wooden tables in front of the fire and the counters where all the food is. Erwin curls up in the rug and observes Levi as he lightens two candles up and moves quickly from one cabinet to the other, starting to boil some water up.

“What are you making?” Erwin asks after a few minutes, seeing Levi cutting up vegetables and searching for any available piece of meat in the kitchen.

“Isn’t that obvious?”

Erwin stays silent and looks sideways, no strength in his body to reply. Levi rolls his eyes and sighs. “Soup. I’m making you something hot and that has actual food in it for once, Hanji keeps feeding you water and bread as if you’re going to heal like that.”

“Oh. Right, a change of meal would be good.”

Erwin is fascinated by the way Levi cooks, so different from the very last time he has seen him search for food. All those years ago he had watched an actual bloody hunt, right now Levi seems just as domestic as an old perfectionist lady who has never hurt a fly. There is method behind every gesture and even though Erwin has no idea what is going on with the cooking he’s sure it will taste good.

“Of course it will.” Levi replies late, after chopping off the last ingredients and putting them all in the fuming pot. “It’s going to take a while, but you’ll thank me later.”

Erwin takes a deep breath as the smell of the soup cooking starts filling up the room and it steals a tired smile from him, it’s delicious. He’s not used to care about what he eats as long as it gives him energy and strength and it’s been ages since his last actually nice meal. The soup’s fragrance reminds him of home, too, his father was good at cooking. Marie… well, a little less, but he had never thought bad of her for that. If Erwin thinks about it he can barely cook for himself, and he surely is surprised by Levi’s skills.

Levi takes a seat on the table and Erwin has to look up, which is weird, to talk to him. “I didn’t know you could cook.”

“How do you think I survived all these years?”

“Fair enough. Let me say that again, then: I didn’t know you were good at cooking.”

“You haven’t tasted it yet.”

“Something tells me I’m going to appreciate it anyway.” Erwin smiles and coughs, which catches Levi’s attention, but the other man just scoff and gets up to grab the honey jar in the lower cabinet of the kitchen, along with a spoon. When he sits again it makes the objects slide on the table for Erwin to take them.

“Have that in the meantime.”

“Honey? We’re not supposed to eat it unless for special occasions.”

“Getting a squad leader healthy is a special occasion alright.” Levi argues and Erwin accepts, he’s not one to say no to sweet things. He sinks the little spoon in the jar and slowly licks the golden honey off it enjoying every moment of it, feeling his throat crying in relief. He pretends not to notice Levi staring at him as he hums around the piece of silverware in approval. When he finishes he looks up handing him the spoon.

“Do you want some?”

Levi blinks once, his mouth slightly open, cheeks pink. “Don’t be absurd.” He shakes his head. “I’d get sick too.”

“Would you?” Erwin asks sincerely curious. “Can you get sick?”

“I… sometimes.”

“Does your body react like it does with wounds?”

“Probably.”

“You don’t know?”

“Listen, why do you have to ask so many questions? Aren’t you supposed to be sick and tired?” Levi snaps and turns his head around to avoid Erwin’s eyes directed on him. Erwin, instead, can’t help thinking of Levi’s body healing up on its own as fast as a breath and of the mystery behind that.

“I’m sick and tired, but I’m also bored. Don’t avoid the subject.”

“Or what? Are you going to punish me?”

“The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.” Erwin puts the spoon down and very, _very_ , carefully stretches his hand out to gently touch Levi’s back, to get his attention. Indeed, it’s enough to make him jump on the spot and suddenly turn to face Erwin, but he doesn’t move away. Levi frowns down at the hand and Erwin’s clever enough to withdraw his arm, which he keeps close.

“I know it’s hard for you, but I’d like you to see me as a friend. Just that, I’m not going to use any of the things you’ll say against you. I only want to get to know you better, since you keep telling me that I have no idea what you’re actually like.”

Levi’s surprised eyes hesitate as he tries to believe Erwin’s honest words. “That’s the most you’ve said in a week and you’re already annoying me, again.”

That makes the blond laugh out loud, then cough and curl up in his blanket, bad move. It’s nice though, to laugh. He hasn’t done that in days, probably weeks, and to think that it’s an insult to provoke that in him is even funnier in his head. Oh, well. “I’m sorry, then.”

“What for? It’s not like I’m not used to it.”

“So?” Erwin reminds him of his question and tastes the honey once again, he loves it.

“Jeez, fine. Yes? No? I don’t know if it works the same with illness. I’ve never been sick for more than a few days in a row, and it was never serious. I guess I’m a strong man?”

“No doubt about that.”

“Tch. Right.”

“Then why does your body… why is it like that?”

Levi shrugs. “Would you believe me if I said I have no clue? And I’m not lying. It just happens, always has… I heal fast, I don’t feel pain unless it’s excruciating, I’m strong and fast and I’ve never lost a fight. I don’t know much else.”

Erwin tilts his head, deeply fascinated and overwhelmed by the desire to know more. To be closer to him, both physically and mentally. He wants to understand him and help him understand himself more, not that he has the means to but a man can dream and Erwin has always been nothing but a day-dreamer with too much ambition in his hands.

“I believe you.” He hesitates too, he doesn’t want to go too far, but… “What about your scars?”

Levi takes a deep breath, looks away. “I’ve always had them.”

“I remember that... but I’m not blind. I’ve noticed all the new ones.”

“Good for you.” Levi gets up to check on the soup and, with his back turned to Erwin, starts talking. “The old ones are from the days in the forest. I don’t know if you’ve ever wondered about that, but I wasn’t exactly free back then. And the ‘new ones’... just mind your own business.”

“What do you mean you weren’t free?” Erwin lets the other subject drop, he wants answers he can get for now.

“Farlan, Isabel and I were controlled, in a sense. You’ve always seen us as, I don’t know, savages? Monsters that turned out to be human? It wasn’t like that. That day at your house… when I freaked out, you remember right?” Levi’s shoulders tense. “I was scared shitless they were going to punish me by hurting my friends. I wasn’t supposed to be out there, they kept telling us… and I was scared because if they had found out about you well, they would have- they would have hurt you, too. Killed you, I guess, making it look like an accident.”

“You were trying to protect me.”

“Don’t feel special, you weren’t the only one I was trying to protect.”

“I know, I didn’t mean that. I always thought you had acted that way because you weren’t used to be outside the woods, or because of the episode with the mirror.”

“Ah, that. Fucking hate mirrors.” Levi mutters to himself, still not looking at Erwin and pretending to taste the soup.

“But who _were_ they? Even when you were little I remember you would talk about these big men, I never understood.”

“I don’t know. I never did.” Levi turns around, leaning on the counter and crossing his arms.

“I don’t have enough memories to remember any of their faces, I barely remember the place they used to keep us in. After you-” He coughs, obviously trying to avoid to blame Erwin yet another time, to avoid another fight. “After I escaped the forest I only thought about surviving, living with Kenny and trying to get by. I forgot bad stuff that got replaced with worse. The point is… I think that this whole body pain thing has something to do with that. With what these people have done to me.” What have they done to him? Erwin can’t even begin to imagine, he had no idea such people existed and he wonders if they’re still out there, hurting kids, using them.

“Is that also why you lose control so easily and your eyes turn red?”

“My eyes turn red?” Levi tilts his head touching the part of his face near the eye with light confused fingers.

Erwin raises his eyebrows. “Didn’t you know?”

“Told you I hate mirrors. Shit, I had no idea.”

“It was scaring the first time I saw it, but I was too much of a curious child to think it might have been a sign of danger. But now? It doesn’t bother me.”

“What about other people?” Levi asks.

“What about them?”

“It’s no wonder they call me monster.”

“I don’t think that’s the main reason.”

Levi shoots him a look. “That really makes me feel better.”

“I’m sorry.” Erwin apologizes with a smile. “Since when do you care what others think?”

“I don’t… I don’t. Whatever.”

“Can you show me?” Erwin suddenly asks, regretting it a second too late.

“Show you what? My eyes?”

“No, getting you out of control would cause a problem or two. I meant can you show me how your body heals, again?”

Levi raises a single eyebrow. “Didn’t you see enough of it already?”

The taller man sighs, he shouldn’t have asked, it’s improper and private. “Nevermind, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I was just-”

“Curious.” Levi interrupts him, finishing the sentence for him. “You’re also starting to be predictable.”

Erwin smirks at him. “Some things never change.” He goes back to being serious, after a deep cough. “Still, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want t- What are you doing?”

Erwin’s eyes widen as he watches Levi take a knife from the drawer and step towards him. He has it placed on the palm of his hand already and when he stops in front of Erwin he doesn’t hesitate to slit his skin in a neat and deep cut. Erwin nearly gasps at the surprise, making a noise of discomfort as if he were the one being hurt, but when he looks up at Levi’s face he sees he’s not feeling anything.

“Eyes on the hand.” Levi reminds him, and Erwin looks at is as he’s been told.

The wound heals in the matter of a few seconds and the only thing that remains is a white, very light scar and the blood that still hasn’t dried. Levi uses his other thumb to wipe it clean and closes and reopens his fist a couple of time.

“There.”

“It’s amazing.” Erwin says the first genuine thing that comes out of his mouth, but Levi doesn’t seem to agree.

“You wouldn’t say that if you were me. It’s sick and wrong. It’s a fucking nightmare.”

“Why?” Erwin knows he’s being rude, Levi must have his good reasons, but at the moment the only thing he can think about is how great it would be to use that new power as a weapon. An entire army just like Levi…

“I know what you’re thinking about, don’t. No man should live like this, pain… pain is something people are supposed to feel. I can’t even reach half of it and it drives me insane, _that_ makes me feel like a monster.” Levi shivers close to Erwin.

“But you don’t only feel no pain, Levi. You’re strong, powerful, better than all of us-”

“Stop it.”

“It would mean we’d have a chance against the titans and-”

“I said stop it!” Levi raises his voice and slams his fist on the table, near Erwin’s arm.

Erwin freezes and closes his mouth, swallowing hard and understanding he has overstepped the line. Levi’s eyes are stuck on him, there’s anger and despair behind them, a feeling Erwin will never be able to grasp, which only the other man understands. They stand face to face, close, but there is nothing intimate about it.

“I’m sorry, Levi. I’m sorry.”

The other man squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head, still bending over Erwin. “I get it, it all looks so nice and perfect to you. That’s probably what those bastards were thinking of, but what the fuck do you know about what I had to get through? I remember… remember other kids dying or being shot dead because they weren’t good enough for _them_. Because the treatment wouldn’t work, oh, if I remember that. You know the bad memories are the ones that never go away. This thing ruined my life, turned me into a killer with no pity to share, there’s so much shit I’ve gone through but also done and…”

“It’s okay.” Erwin moves his hand to place it on Levi’s, giving him comfort in the middle of the night, appreciating the fact that he’s opening up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You’re right, it’s wrong.”

Levi’s fist clenches under Erwin’s hand. “It’s not okay.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m a goddamn monster.” Levi sounds hopeless, helpless, that makes Erwin’s heart ache.

“You have done what you have done because you had to survive. You have been through unimaginable things. You’re not a monster, Levi, you’re human.”

“How can you say that?”

Erwin sighs, rubbing his thumb on Levi’s cold hand. “You say I don’t know you, but I do. I’m not aware of what happened in your life, fact, but I’ve spent enough time with you to be sure of it.”

“It’s ridiculous.” Levi straightens up while he keeps his eyes down. He slides his hand away from Erwin’s but keeps their fingers close.

“Is it? Then why didn’t you kill me when you had the chance? If you were a monster, if killing were the only thing you could do… I wouldn’t be here now, sick and tired and grateful to be alive.” Erwin tries to sound merry, but his words touch Levi in a way he wasn’t ready for.

“I couldn’t- I couldn’t kill you.”

Levi’s breathing gets heavier. “I should have. You were the only one I actually wanted to kill… all those years. And then I couldn’t.”

“It’s okay.” Erwin repeats.

“I didn’t want to. I don’t want to.” Levi raises his quartz eyes, they sparkle in the honeyed light, they’re miserable.

“Good thing you didn’t, then.”

Levi finally reacts, he scoffs and smiles quickly. “Do you want to know a secret?” He asks Erwin, who’s never been more ready to say yes in his whole life. He nods.

“I love it. I love killing, causing pain, seeing it because I can’t feel it... but at the same time? I hate it. And I want to stop, I don’t want to kill anymore, not if I can avoid it, not just because someone tells me to and pays me. I know it’s not the case anymore but… I feel like you’ll need me to, one day. When you’re going to be commander and all that shit, because I know you will, you’re going to ask me some bad things and I’ll- I’ll say yes. A hundred times, I won’t even question it. So can I ask you a favor? Never make me kill innocent people, alright? After Aryaa I don’t think I could handle it.”

Erwin stays silent, speechless.

“I sound so damn weak. Why am I even telling you all of this? It’s stupid, forget it-” Before Levi can walk away Erwin grabs his wrist and blocks him.

“I promise.”

The tense air between becomes unbearable when Levi doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, doesn’t take his hopeful eyes off Erwin. Hope, that’s something he just gave him and Erwin doesn’t want to break his promise and make Levi suffer, he doesn’t want to disappoint him. He wants to protect him, almost, from all the terrible things he’s suffered.

“By the end of it all, we’ll be in this together.” Erwin starts. “Do you think I’m going to be, that I _am_ , such an innocent man? People will call me monster just like they do with you because I’m going to send their children to die and I won’t stop until every titan will be dead. And what’s worse is that I won’t even be ending their lives directly like you used to. I’ve already tried, I’ve approved of it, I needed to make it work and… I won’t be a nice man when and if they make me a commander, it’s going to be ugly for everyone and I’ll have to bear it. But if you help me, maybe the damage won’t be so tragic. I promise I will do as you ask, but you have to promise too. You have to trust me.”

Levi lets go of his hand and turns around. His voice cracks. “The soup is going to overcook.”

Erwin sighs and smiles, coughing. “Don’t make it go to waste then.”

A strange comfortable silence settles between them as Levi fills a plate up with the tasty broth and puts it on the table. He sits on it again and observes Erwin drink the first spoon of the soup. Just as he imagined it’s delicious, hot and soothing for his poor throat and lungs, it tastes like a warm hug coming from a loving mother.

“It’s really good.” He compliments the chef and keeps eating, trying not to think too much about what just happened even though that’s the only thing his brain can focus on. All those things Levi said, the way he opened up to him. Is that a step forward, or is it going to be a step back?

“It’s not mine.” Levi says out of the blue.

“Mh? What isn’t?”

“The receipt of this soup. I didn’t make it up, I learned it from someone.”

“Oh? Who was it? That Kenny?”

“Tch, no. He couldn’t cook for shit.” Levi crosses his legs and leans back on the table. “It was one of my first clients.”

“And he taught you how to cook?”

Levi turns his head to look at Erwin as he talks. “I guess so, yes. He was very… persistent. I usually had no contact with my clients, I barely wanted them to look at me, but he, as I already said, was one of the firsts and I was young and didn’t know any better. He constantly asked me to spend some time with him every time I would meet him to get paid and since he always brought me good money... one time I agreed.”

Erwin’s eyebrows raised in doubt. “And he… cooked for you?”

“He talked a lot, too. He wanted to know things about me, he used to shower me in meaningless compliments and tell me how less alone he felt with me there. At the end of the day he was just a creepy lonely man, but I liked him.”

“Did you?”

“Yes. He had been the only gentle person with me in years, possibly the only one until I met you again, even though I knew he was only being kind because he was obsessed with me. I wasn’t blind, I was hungry.”

“Did he ever…?” Erwin doesn’t want to ask, the mere idea makes him sick to his stomach.

“Fuck no. I wouldn’t have let him, not after… No.” Levi looks distressed, remembering something he wanted to keep hidden. “But I know he wanted to, it was so obvious. He used to watch me as if I was a goddamn prize, he used to touch me when and where I didn’t want him to, but even that felt nice. It was different… still, I couldn’t stand it. Eventually I told him I couldn’t work for him anymore and he didn’t say anything about it, he only looked sad. I didn’t care. I didn’t have time for cooking lessons if I couldn’t bring the food in first.”

“He sounds like a nice, awful person.” Erwin jokes.

“You actually remind me of him.” Levi says seriously.

“Ah.”

“And you can’t even cook, so what about that? You should step your game up.”

Erwin blinks, feeling suddenly little and desperate.

“What? Oh my god, I was kidding.”

Erwin coughs, relieved. How stupid he is. “I know, of course.”

“You should work on your heart’s fragile ego.”

“Wise advice.” Erwin has almost finished the soup by now, but he slows down because he doesn’t want their talk to end. “Do I have to worry about any of your ex clients, though? Is there old enemy around?”

“A lot, probably, but everyone thinks I’m dead. Still, they wouldn’t bother me, especially not now that I’m here.”

“Mh, fine, if you say so. Was it nice?”

“What?”

“Being Wraith? Knowing that everyone feared you but wanted you at the same time?”

“Sometimes, yes. But I never cared much for it, it was useful.”

“Useful seems like a good word for it.”

“Was it nice?” Levi asks back.

“What was it?”

“Being a privileged little shit as you were?”

“I wouldn’t call my past self privileged.” Erwin looks down at his plate. “I probably was compared to you, though, wasn’t I?”

“You had somewhere warm to sleep, you had a real bed, you had real guaranteed food, you had friends, hell you even got yourself a girlfriend. The only thing you didn’t have was your parents and the balls not to feel guilty about what had happened. I call that a pretty nice life.”

Erwin can’t help chuckling sadly to himself. He always feels guilty for some thing or the other, but Levi makes it sound all so perfect. “Since you’re talking about it, there’s something I really want to talk to you about.”

“Is this your turn to confess stuff?”

“I imagine so.” Erwin clears his throat and looks at him with fondness.

“Shoot.”

Erwin hesitates, clearing his throat before talking. “Marie and I… we are engaged, that is true, and I remember how it upset you but-”

“It didn’t. I forgot already. That’s in the past, you don’t need to talk about that.” Levi is ashamed, half blushing half denying the entirety of his feelings. Erwin goes on anyway.

“I don’t love her.” He begins, and Levi’s eyes fall on him and widen. “And she doesn’t love me back, not that way anyway. We care a lot for each other, we’re something closer to best friends than lovers. We have never been lovers, actually, except for the very beginning, but her father is a rich man and marrying her means receiving more funds, with her family’s help the Survey Corps have managed to get through lots of bad times. I knew it was wrong to take advantage of her, but she knows and agrees, she believes in our cause and her father, thank god for that man, does too. That’s the only reason we’re engaged to each other.”

“So?”

Erwin sighs. “I’m just saying that what happened between us didn’t have any effect on my relationship with her, or on her directly. She wouldn’t care unless I got hurt, but that’s because she worries too much, bless her soul.”

“I told you already: nothing happened between us.” Levi looks somehow relieved despite his sharp words.

“Good.” It hurts. “Because that’s the way it must be.”

“What do you mean?” Levi’s voice is low now, unsure.

“It means I can’t afford to engage in any kind of relationship, Marie is already too much. I can’t do that, I’ve always promised myself I wouldn’t, and I am fully aware of the way I behaved with you. And I’m aware it should stop, it has to.” Erwin doesn’t want to say those words, but duty comes before pleasure, before his feelings. “I’m sorry. But, since you keep saying nothing happened, I’m guessing it won’t change much for you, will it?”

Levi licks his lips and frowns, but his expression doesn’t change much. The light in his eyes extinguish as he nods. “It won’t.”

“That doesn’t mean I won’t need, want actually, your trust. And friendship, if you’ll let me.”

“We’ll see about that.” He sounds so distant and Erwin’s heart break, but he needs to endure it. Levi looks down at the finished soup. “Are you done with that? You need to sleep.”

“Sure.”

They go back to Erwin’s room and he’s relieved when he hears Levi sitting down on the chair to stay with him for the night. They both know there’s probably no need for it, but they don’t speak of it. Erwin lies down and appreciates the warmth of his thin blankets like a tired child who’s played all day and can’t wait to dream of more adventures. Levi seems to be thinking too much, there’s something off, but when he talks for the last time that night his words make Erwin the happiest man alive.

“Goodnight, Erwin.”

That’s the first time Levi has called him by his name ever since they found each other again. The sound of trust.

***

Another long insufferable week passes between Hange forcing Erwin to rest more and Levi shaking his head every time those two argue, but eventually Erwin gets better and goes back to work. Stepping inside his office makes him feel complete again, even though where he was waiting for dust and a stuffy smell he’s pleased to find out the whole place is cleaner than before, fresh, tidy. Levi’s work. He smiles and runs his hand on the edge of his desk before sitting in his chair and getting comfortable, that is until he realizes how behind he is with reports and bureaucracy and how late he will have to stay up for the next few days. He sighs, but the smile doesn’t leave his face, it feels good to be back, almost as if getting over that awful fever and cold made him stronger. Or maybe it was all still about his and Levi’s talk that night in the kitchens…

It has been only a few days, but it seems like things are already starting to change for the better between them. After Erwin made it clear that they can’t be anything more than good colleagues, Levi seemed to accept the fact that being friends couldn’t be so terrible either. It’s probably because of all the hours they’ve spent together in his dim and quiet room where the only thing to do was talk, for once, since Erwin couldn’t work. It felt different than the other times, they didn’t talk about made up adventures or stories, they instead shared stories from the past neither of them knew of the other. Erwin told Levi how it was to be a young cadet in the survey corps, and Levi tried to describe his life right after leaving the forest. Erwin wishes he could have made Levi open up more, but what he got was enough to last him for months, years.

He spends the afternoon like that, working and occasionally thinking about the things Levi told him, until he completely forgets about dinner and a knock on the door wakes him up from his busy trance. He almost jumps for the scare, sighing in relief when he realizes it’s only Levi with a tray in his hands standing at the threshold.

“I can’t believe you.” Levi says, shaking his head and pacing into the room to place the dinner on the desk, trying to find free place somewhere among the papers.

“What have I done now?” Erwin smiles, joking lightly and taking his glasses off before rubbing his eyes. He finally takes a break.

“You’ve been sick for days and you’ve already decided to skip meals? Hasn’t Hange torturing you taught you nothing?”

Erwin can’t help chuckling and puts the documents in front of him aside to replace them with a plate full of hot soup. “Just my favorite.” He comments sarcastically staring at the food he has been forced to eat for two weeks straight, and that wasn’t Levi’s special soup.

“Come on, eat up. It’s almost midnight already.” Levi says, turning back to sit on the sofa.

“Midnight?” Erwin checks his clock, but something is weird about Levi saying that, he’s always the one asking for the hour. “How do you know what time is it?” He asks innocently.

“I look at the watch on my wrist?” Levi replies raising his eyebrows and looking down at his wrist, his sleeve rolled up a bit.

“Where did you get a wa- oh.” Erwin looks down at Levi’s arm and his eyes immediately fall on the watch he once gave him and that he had seen on his wrist again only the night in the woods. Levi had taken it off, but now it’s back and Erwin is pleasantly surprised.

“What? You were always in bed I didn’t know who to ask.” Levi defends himself, hiding the watch under his pulled sleeve.

Erwin smirks. “Of course. I haven’t said anything.”

“Just shut up and eat, Erwin.” Levi snaps, but he doesn’t conceal the quick sparkle of amusement, pride, embarrassment maybe, behind his silver eyes.

***

Another night passes then, and then another day and another night and as fall turns into winter things go back to normal. Practice proceeds well too, even though Levi skips it a few times and instead says he’d rather spend his mornings reading or writing. Erwin is perplexed, but lets him. After that he decides to attend training more and notices that, yes, the kids are starting to like Levi more, respect him, but there’s also something wrong with the short man, and it’s not mental this time. He sees him cough often, tiring faster, refusing to show moves to the cadets and leaving early.

There is definitely something wrong in the way Levi acts, he doesn’t eat, his cheeks heat up, his eyes glimmer, he loses focus when he has to sit down, hit a target, talk to a cadet. Erwin observes him for several weeks without pressuring him, he asks him if he’s fine and Levi replies that yes, he is, and Erwin doesn’t have to worry. Erwin doesn’t the moment they have to go outside for a quick expedition and Levi behaves greatly, as if his body was in his best shape and he hadn’t just tripped on his feet the very same morning. The Survey Corps receive letters of congratulation from the Capital, they are glad of their recent successful missions and are willing to expand their funds, if only they could reach for more…

Erwin remembers Hange’s rambling from months before and has an idea, too bad he gets her enthusiastic friend’s approval as soon as possible and has to present their next plan to everyone. When he tells Shadis he catches him drunk in his chair behind a dusty desk, eyes glaring at nothing and his head nodding slightly at whatever the blond said, and when he tells Mike his friend stares at him for a couple of silent heavy seconds before remembering him he trusts in him. Erwin wants to tell everyone else too, get on with his idea immediately, but there is another person he needs to ask.

He’s relieved to find Levi in his office when he enters the afternoon next to the big news, he’s less pleased to see him on his tiptoes to reach the highest shelf of his bookcase to clean it dressed in his usual cleaning outfit, a bucket on the floor and the window open and not for claustrophobic reasons. Levi barely looks at him, but Erwin does not need to stare at him for longer than a couple of moments to understand he’s possibly feeling as badly as every other day without admitting it. It makes him angry, but it’s just the thought of a brief second, after that he closes the door behind him and sits down at his desk.

“It’s a bit cold today, isn’t it?” He comments turning his head towards the window and taking in the winter colors he can see from outside. He sighs as he notices Levi has cleaned, or tried to, his desk too. Erwin shakes his head, but gently smiles, he has no reason to tell him not to anymore and even though it’s harder for him to find his papers afterwards he always appreciates the gesture. It’s a small one, but he takes what he can.

“I’m actually sweating.” Levi scoffs as he keeps his back turned to Erwin and starts dusting the shelf below the previous one. At least he doesn’t have to struggle to be taller than he is now, Erwin thinks with another smile.

“I bet you are, you always put such concentration into cleaning. You should take a break.”

“I’m fine, I’ve just gotten started.”

“Have you?” Erwin raises his eyebrows, looking at the spot of sweat on Levi’s shirt on his back. Levi doesn’t sweat often, and if he does it’s because he has worked hard, but then again lately… Well, Erwin has no idea what he should think, only that he’s more worried than he believes. Besides, he thought Levi didn’t get sick.

“Levi,” He starts, commanding tone on. “Take a break.”

Levi stops and turns around with his rag in his hand and he lowers his improvised mask that usually covers his mouth. He looks exhausted, deep dark circles under his eyes, Erwin has to force himself not to say anything about it.

“Sit down.” He orders him kindly, afraid his knees are going to fail him any moment and he will fall to the ground.

“Don’t feel like it.” Levi shrugs and leans over the bookcase casually.

Erwin sighs again. “At least you stopped.”

“What do you want?” Levi snaps, it has taken him so little to bother him.

“I had something I wanted to discuss with you about, if you don’t mind.”

“I mean, if you really can’t control yourself just tell me.” He replies sarcastically, but Erwin isn’t touched by it.

“Hange and I have come up with a new goal for the next expedition. I’ve received Shadis approval, well, as much as that counts, and I wanted to know what you think about it.”

Levi’s thin eyebrow raises, surprise all over his flushed tired face. “You want my opinion on something this important? What do I care? What do I even know? Since when do you ask _me_ for such advice?”

“Do you really think I do not care about what you might have to say?”

“I don’t know, do you?”

“Of course.” Erwin gives him the ghost of a smile, he’s too serious right now to be kind to him. It’s always either one or the other with him, he can’t help it, even though he never knows what kind of new reaction Levi might ignite in him.

“Do you remember when we were children and we used to come up with stories? I remember wanting you to learn how to talk especially because I wanted you to participate, because I knew you wanted to and weren’t always happy with the ways I dealt with the narration. Then you did learn, I used to really enjoy your suggestions and additions to our stories. It’s the same thing right now, I want you to fill this part of the story, because I think it might be a big one.”

“What are you talking about? Real life is not a book, Erwin.”

“Ah, if it only were.” Erwin lets himself be drowned by the impossibility of that statement for a brief moment. “We want to capture a titan, Levi, and we want to bring it back here inside the walls.” He spits the ‘secret’ out without another warning, he waits.

Levi _laughs_ then, an actual chuckle comes out of his mouth as a pleasant melody out of tune with the chill that has suddenly descended upon the room, and slowly distances himself from the bookcase to stand on his own. He shakes his head slightly as Erwin frowns deeply, but as soon as the small man understands he wasn’t joking silence falls.

A long incredulous second.

“What?” Levi stares at him wide silver eyes. “Are you serious?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Not that Erwin doesn’t like Levi’s laugh, he cannot even try to deny how it makes his stomach turn and his head spin a little, but for once he’s not amused or pleased by it. Or maybe he is, but only for a moment, only because Levi smiling is a beautiful sight he never wants to forget, but Erwin is a man of work before that.

“It’s crazy. You’re crazy! You both are, to be honest, you and that mad woman. How are we even supposed to capture an actual titan? Are we going to gently invite him for tea over your place or mine, mh? Or maybe just a chit chat down at the tavern why the hell not!”

“Calm down, please.” The air gets heavier, stiffer no matter how windy it is getting outside and despite the open window. Levi’s face grimaces and his hands shake, for so little. Erwin tells him to calm down because he’s worried about his physical health, but Levi takes it as an insult, a challenge neither of them has asked for.

“Don’t tell me to calm down! We can’t. You can’t. You’re gonna get too many people killed and all the good work we’ve done lately will go to shit.” Levi is used to say what he thinks, but he had never dared Erwin in such a blatant way, not ever since the day their true colors were exposed and they didn’t have to lie to each other anymore.

“It would mean a great deal if we did manage.”

“But we won’t.”

“Why?”

“Because! Because it’s already hard to kill one titan, capturing it is going to be like tearing down the walls around our land and rebuild them in a single day!”

“We have a plan, Hange and Mike are working on it as we talk, we think we can do it.”

“Mike told you it was fine?” Levi is surprised, and since when did he and Mike know each other so well?

Erwin crosses his hands on the table, leaning over, stretching his back straight. “Yes.” Sort of. “You are against it, then.”

“Congratulations to have come up with that conclusion, genius.” Levi mocks him, but the fast moment of rage just passed has weakened him, and even though he tries to hide it Erwin sees the effort he makes to get to the sofa to finally sit on it. He wonders where does he find the strength to fight so well outside if the rest of the time he feels like this; they really have to talk about it.

“We have to. They’re expecting more of us and Hange could study titans better, it could help us so much. We could discover something, anything that might help us understand why they exist, why do we have to live in constant fear as prisoners, how can we exterminate them faster. I want to know the truth, and I feel like this is a right step.” Erwin explains to Levi, eventually getting up to close the window, the other man can’t stay in the cold for too long.

“Why do you even ask for my opinion if you know you’re going to do as you like anyway? To annoy me? Because no, thanks, I already have dozens of kids who do that everyday I don’t need you to make it worse.”

“I was hoping you would agree.”

“I don’t. Forget it.”

“We’re off in two, maybe three weeks.”

“You say that as if I cared, I’m not coming.”

Erwin stands by the window and looks down at Levi, he notices a drop of sweat falling from his pale cheek, a flock of black hair stuck to his forehead. “You’re not?”

“I’ve already decided that if I have to die it’s not going to be because of a titan, and I don’t want to get anywhere near those monsters unless it’s strictly to kill them. They all deserve to rot in hell, not being taken here while threatening to hurt everyone in the meantime. I’m not gonna be there to save your asses, you’re doing this on your own.” Levi is upset, angry, confused.

Erwin doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to say it. He does. “You will have to, _Wraith_.” He stresses his determined voice on the last word to make Levi understand he can’t make those kind of decisions yet, that even though nothing bad has happened for months he’s still not entirely free, that… that Erwin needs him to do this. For the sake of the mission. For him.

Levi snaps his head up and squints his eyes. “Of course. Right. Fuck.” He says, more to himself than Erwin, and then he lets himself fall on the back of the sofa and runs a hand through his sticky hair.

“It’s important.” Erwin tries to convince him with simple words.

“You know what?” Levi starts, looking as if he’s already giving up. He is. “I already told you that I would have followed you and your decisions, I still… still don’t trust you completely, you know, but if you think this is right well, who am I to know what the fuck is going to happen, right? Just, please, come up with a good plan. I’m too tired to break a leg or something.”

“That I noticed.” Erwin is relieved, but it doesn’t feel right to force Levi like this. He doesn’t like manipulating people, especially Levi, but he can’t help needing his help for this. He needs his support, he, for some reason, has to know they’re on the same side. “You won’t regret it.”

“I swear to god if something goes wrong you owe me a whole week of servitude, big man. I want tea brought into my room every damn morning and at least a nice long massage to melt the muscles I’ll need to warm up to punch you hard in the face afterward.”

Erwin can’t help but smile at that, he offers him his hand. “A deal is a deal.”

Levi is hesitant to shake his hand, but eventually he takes it and nods his head. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

The silver-eyed man’s hand is freezing, so weak in Erwin’s strong one. “I think you should focus more on getting better.” He tells him as he lets go a bit reluctantly. He wants to hold Levi’s hand, make sure it will get warmer and stronger, make sure he’ll be fine right next to him.

“I’ve never been better.” Levi’s lie ends the moment he finishes his sentence and a loud cough breaks the quiet background in the room.

Erwin takes a sit next to him on the sofa and looks at him like a parent with a kid. It reminds him of his father taking care of him when he was sick but argued that he wanted, needed to go to school. “I know you don’t want me to push this, but it’s been weeks now. You’re getting worse with every passing day, Levi, you should see a doctor. Someone, at least.”

“No.”

“Why not? Don’t you want to feel better?”

“I told you I’m fine.” His bottom lip trembles slightly, it’s as if he was scared of his own reply. His own body.

“You clearly aren’t.”

“If you mind your damn business there’s a chance more I’ll behave exactly as you want me to on this stupid next mission.”

“Or?”

“Just shut up, okay. It’ll pass, this is nothing.” Levi looks at the floor and avoids Erwin’s blue worried gaze.

“I hope so, Levi.” He needs to give him space, it’s not his responsibility anymore. Levi is an adult man, he’s gotten through so much more, Erwin has to let him handle this one too… he will intervene if things get really bad, though. It’s already hard to resist the urge to help him now, anyway.

Erwin returns to his desk and starts working, trying not to think about the expedition or the sick man in the same room.

“I want pie too.” Levi speaks out of the blue. “With the morning tea, pie. You’ll have to bring me pie, and not the shitty kind they make here when they feel generous enough. I want real pie.” He nods once, sure of himself.

Erwin chuckles and shakes his head, staring at him amused and with a touch of extra affection that he shouldn’t be feeling. “I’ll bring you the best kind.”

“Every morning.”

“Every morning.” Erwin repeats.

“Let’s hope I’ll never have to taste that damn pie.” Levi whispers and Erwin agrees, because that would mean things going wrong. He can’t afford that.

***

Three weeks and a half go by and finally the day comes they have to leave. Erwin, Hange and Mike, with Shadis’ help, have held several meetings with the others soldiers to explain what the plan is going to be and how they’re supposed to catch the titans. To Erwin’s surprise Levi never skips their gatherings and he’s always the first to suggest something new and helpful, which makes everything easier among the young cadets who are scared, but trust him. He doesn’t look fine yet, but the day of the expedition there is the usual determined light behind his eyes that Erwin always finds there; maybe it’s because Levi wants revenge, maybe because going outside gives him the same thrill as him, but he can’t complain. He hopes he won’t fail them now.

Leaving with the citizens cheering for them gives them all a charge of adrenaline they’ll surely need, and even if the sky is cloudy and the weather is cold Erwin looks at the open world in front of him with good spirit. He smiles at Mike and nods at Levi, and they ride until they finally spot a titan and, using colorful flares, they keep an eye on it from the distance. Luckily enough they don’t encounter any obstacle and the afternoon is quiet, filled with worry and hope at the same time. Their true strategy begins only at night, while the titan will be asleep and they’ll have less reasons to believe they will meet others. At least dealing with one sleepy titan is going to be better than dealing with a dozen of them. Erwin is not at all sure this is going to work, but working on every detail night and day has given him a complete picture of what will happen… or so he believes.

When the sun sets and the sky turns pale purple they set camp just right near a huge forest, the place where the titan has entered and they plot to capture it. They have to wait for the night to fall properly, in the meantime they pitch the tents up and make small fires around them where they can sit together and eat something after leaving the horses in a safe position. The evening is so calm it’s almost as if nature was still, still and perfect. It’s frightening.

Erwin finishes to set up his tent and even though he would like to work on the whole plan more inside of it he gets dragged to dinner by Hange, who that day acts overly excited about everything. Well, she has every right to be so. Erwin smiles it off and sits down with her, Mike, Nanaba and Levi. It’s exactly like back at the dining room where they always eat separated from the others, but the chatting in the background feels just as nice. For an insane moment Erwin wishes they could do that every night, every day, enjoy a nice meal outside free of the walls and any other social convention.

He picks up one of the meat skewer they were roasting using the burning fire and gives the first bite. It doesn’t taste delicious, but the company around him makes it up for it, no matter how Erwin is used and loves to eat alone most of the time. He notices Levi keeps silent, while the others talk out loud of everything and nothing, sitting next to him, and offers him some meat since he hasn’t touched any food yet. Levi accepts it and their fingers brush for a second, making the smaller man’s face flush and Erwin turns his head to the other side.

“I mean this could be huge!” Hange’s enthusiastic voice cuts through the soft night and catches Erwin’s attention alright. “I could discover so many things! I’d finally know how they’re able not to eat or why the sun gives them energy, well, that would mean they’re similar to plants wouldn’t it?” She chuckles almost madly and Erwin wonders if maybe someone hasn’t given her something to drink and indeed he spots Mike getting his little flask back from her. “And I could be friends with one of them! Oh, I’m so sure they can actually communicate somehow, they’re like giant puppies!”

“She’s out of it.” Mike shakes his head and smiles. They are used to this, but Erwin shares the enthusiasm.

“I’d kill myself before befriending one of those _things._ ” Levi casually comments, finishing his food and licking his fingers to clean them up, which obviously makes him uncomfortable. Erwin internally chuckles because he can only begin to imagine how unsanitary that must feel for Levi.

“But Levi!”

“They eat people, there’s no excuse.”

“Well, okay, but that doesn’t mean that the discoveries we’ll make won’t be massive! Hopefully, of course.”

“And then what?” Levi snaps back, he’s still upset about the whole thing and Erwin can tell. Actually, everyone can.

“And then we’ll have a chance more to be free of them. Or we’ll be living in peace with them, who knows. That’s better than what we have now.” Nanaba states as she looks at Hange with hopeful eyes. “Don’t you want a better future?”

Levi shrugs.

“I sure do.” Mike says. “I could use a holiday, honestly.” Everybody laughs at that and Erwin smiles softly, stealing a glance from Levi.

“And you could too.” Hange says happily referring to Erwin.

“He’ll never go on a holiday.” Mike jokes and he’s probably right.

Erwin clears his throat and drinks some water. “If and when one day we win this war, why would I do that?”

“Because we fought so hard and we deserve a break, duh?” Hange giggles.

“Yes, of course. But there’d be so much to explore, to see, to study. I wouldn’t be able to stay still and relax.” Erwin’s smile warms everyone's heart as he daydreams of a life of adventures and discoveries he’s been thinking of since he was a child. Levi knows what he’s talking about, what he’s thinking, and at the same time Erwin feels sad because he knows that would have been his father’s dream too and he will never be there to see it. That’s why he has to make it.

“Oh, I totally would.” Says Nanaba spreading her hands above the fire to warm herself up in the cold of the night. “I would sleep for weeks, I swear, I wouldn’t even care about food.”

“I didn’t know you were so lazy.” Mike teases her.

“Yeah, that’s only because I can’t be. None of you knows the true me.”

“I wouldn’t sleep at all!” Hange exclaims. “Oh, I would probably do the same as Erwin now that I think about it, only it’d all happen in my secret laboratory you guys.”

“You’re unbelievable.” More laughter fills the air and Erwin feels as if they weren’t on a crucial mission, more like on a fun trip where everyone is supposed to joke and relax and exchange silly stories. It almost feels like the old times when he and Mike were reckless best friends without a reputation to live up to.

“And what will you do when this all ends?” Hange asks Levi all of a sudden.

“If it all ends, you mean.” Levi shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Well, first of all? Rude. Second, you can’t be serious! You must have a dream, a vague idea at least. You don’t strike me as the holiday type so what, will you go exploring along with Erwin? Just the two of you? Mh?” Hange is obviously teasing and Mike chuckles silently, but the moment her words are out of her mouth Levi blushes and Erwin coughs, taken by surprise.

“Tch, and who would want that?” He hides his face as he brings his knees up to his chest, the gesture of a kid. Erwin can’t say he doesn’t feel sad about that, he would love to see the world with Levi, even though he knows that is likely to never happen.

“Then what?”

“I don’t know, okay? I’d just find something to do somewhere, I’d work and then die peacefully.”

“That’s impressively boring.”

“Like you.” Levi replies back, but Hange only laughs.

“You could open a tea shop.” Erwin suggests calmly.

“A tea shop? What the hell for?”

“You love tea, don’t you? You would do something you love, that’s all.”

Levi hesitates and they stare at each other as if Erwin’s words meant something deeper, something none of them can grasp but they can feel it. It was too much of a kind suggestion, the words warm and fond. “That… that doesn’t sound too bad. Maybe.”

“Awww, will you give us free tea?” Hange wonders.

“Only if that’ll make you shut up.”

“Uh, well, I can work on that.”

“I don’t think so.” Nanaba remarks and everybody nods, making Hange gasp and cross her arms on her chest as she fakes being offended.

“If Erwin goes exploring he could find Levi new kind of tea leaves.” Nanaba continues.

“Right. I would love to help.” Erwin smiles at Levi, his heart filled with a new warm feeling he had yet to experience. He always tries not to think about the future too much, the end of the titans is enough of a distant goal, but the idea doesn’t sound bad at all.

“Thanks.” Levi embarrassingly replies. That’s not a word he says often, and Erwin is sure he sees the ghost of a smile on his lips as he says it. It’ something he’s become very good at noticing lately, anything to reassure himself of Levi’s trust, loyalty and friendship.  

After that they keep sharing stories, Levi too, and the evening ends in a good a mood. Shadis gives them permission to sleep for a few hours under Erwin’s advice and everyone heads to their own tent while not even bothering to say goodnight. Mike and Nanaba share a brief hug and Hange makes fun of them as she waves goodbye and enters her tent chuckling, Erwin smiles at this best friend. It’s good he has someone to rely on and care about, even though it’s risky and Erwin doesn’t usually approve. But he can’t hide his feelings either, he cares about his friends more than they all think.

Everyone else gets to sleep quickly while Erwin stays outside a few minutes more, putting out the warm fire and sitting down on the grass to look up at the starry clear sky, every cloud disappeared. Erwin isn’t used to staring at the stars anymore, he doesn’t have time and the night is either for sleep or work, but right now he feels the weight of what is just about to happen on his shoulders and he knows the only way to cope with it is to make his mind wander and remember old lovely feelings.

It’s not much longer that he hears someone coming up from behind. He turns his head up to see it’s only Levi who quickly sits down next to him, closer than at dinner, he notices, because sharing body’s warmth never hurts and maybe because he feels safer now that there’s no one else around.

“You can’t sleep?” Erwin asks him, without tearing his look away from the bright stars above his head.

“Not quite. You?” Levi replies, almost shily. There’s something in his voice that makes Erwin worry, as it often happens lately, but it’s a different kind of hesitancy. It has nothing to do with physical weakness, it comes from deep inside.

“I needed a moment to think.” Erwin says, closing his eyes slowly.

“Haven’t you done enough of that already?” Levi scoffs, but Erwin smiles. He ignores the comment, which is accurate, and lets his memories drown him and drag him to another life.

“It’s been a while since we last sat outside to stargaze.” He points out and opens his eyes, seeing Levi shifting closer but looking away. The man beside him coughs loudly once and Erwin pretends he doesn’t see the struggle painted on his face as his body tries to recover quickly. He frowns, but Levi’s reply catches him off guard.

“I kinda missed it.”

The blond man blinks and opens his mouth, but no word comes out. He didn’t expect that.

“Are you okay?” He asks, finally, a question he knows Levi hates.

“It’s the first time I spend the night outside.” He pauses. “Outside the walls, I mean. It feels… liberating, but at the same time I feel like I’m bloody suffocating. Is it normal?”

“It can be overwhelming at first, yes.” Erwin places a hand on Levi’s shoulder like a friend would and looks at him, raising his eyebrows slightly. “If anything is wrong you can tell me.”

Levi swallows and Erwin looks at his silver eyes shining, reflecting the night sky in them, a beautiful sight he hadn’t seen in years and that manages to give him a deep shiver now that he’s found him again and the bond between them is stronger than before. “I have a bad feeling about tonight.” He confesses, even though Erwin wanted to hear about how he feels generally, not this again.

He sighs deeply. “It’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that. Shit, I’m nervous as fuck and I never am whenever we go outside the walls. It’s wrong, it’s dangerous, I’m not ready to-” He stops there, his voice turning angry and upset, but his body is trying to contain it. His tired look confronts Erwin’s resolute, but soft one.

“If something happens to you…” Levi lowers his quartz gaze and looks at Erwin’s hand, still on his shoulder. Erwin gives a little squeeze and lets go, wistfully, placing it on the ground next to Levi’s.

“I don’t actually give a fuck if something happens to me, and I know I said that I didn’t want to die like this and all of that, but, and I can’t believe I’m saying this I swear it must be the goddamn free air, I would actually care if you or any of your annoying friends got hurt. It’s risky as hell, Erwin, you can still call it off.”

Erwin is touched by Levi’s words, but he can’t follow them, he can’t listen to him not today. “I didn’t know you had it in you to be so dramatic.” He tries to lighten the mood up, to reassure Levi somehow, it’s not like Erwin is keen on dying either.

“I’m not dramatic, I’m realistic. Fuck, Erwin, I’m not joking.”

“You’re mad.”

Levi gets closer to him, mostly because he can’t raise his voice and the best solution to that is angry whispering. “Of course I am. What? I said I would follow your stupid decision not that I would completely stop going against it. Because now it’s this, but what if tomorrow you come up with an even more reckless idea? What if that insane day I won’t be able to stop you just like tonight? You think you’re invincible, worth sacrificing or some bullshit like that, but you’re wrong.”

Erwin holds his breath eating up Levi’s honest speech and not moving a single inch as the other man draws closer to him.

“Levi, you know what my work, my- our goal means to me. There’s nothing more important, and I’m grateful, but there is nothing that will make me change my mind.” He doesn’t want to be mean to him, he doesn’t want to use his serious tone on a peaceful night like this one, he only wanted to enjoy the stars... He sighs. “We made a deal three weeks ago, didn’t we? And I hate losing.” His lips quirk slightly up at one side.

“Don’t I know it.” Levi shakes his head, but instead of withdrawing he stays exactly where he is. Some of the raging strain has disappeared to make place for another kind of tension, one that draws them closer together like a magnet with iron.

“Don’t die tonight.” Levi says quietly in a pleading tone, words that bear something entirely childish and pure in them.  

“You do realize I could die on every expedition?” It’s a soft whisper.

“Yeah, but this is different.”

“Then just think about it as if it were another usual day outside of the walls.”

“Play pretend?”

“Yes, if that’s what you need.” Erwin hesitates, he feels Levi’s fingers touch his hand. “You must be careful as well.” He states, hopes Levi can hear the fondness and care in his voice.

“I always am, don’t be ridiculous.”

Erwin can’t help but smile, the world around them doesn’t exist anymore as the only thing he can feel now is the warmth of Levi’s body next to him. He looks at him and despite the white pale skin, the tired eyes, the drained face, Erwin once again sees in Levi that kind of beauty that had struck him hard the very first moment he had seen him.

Levi blinks, crinkling his nose. “It’s nice when you smile... It’s nice when you smile, too, I mean.”

Levi blurts out a blushing confession in the middle of the night and Erwin chuckles, surprised and sure Levi must have a fever, or maybe he has drunk too much, to be able to say something like that. What has Hange given him? Levi is looking at him with heavy eyes and short of breath, whereas Erwin doesn’t realise it when his hand takes Levi’s in his and he strokes the back of it gently with his thumb. He doesn’t think that someone could see them, he doesn’t care. There are so many problems he should be caring about, first of all the things he had said to him just a month before…

Levi draws closer, he stretches his back to reach him and Erwin stays still, their noses touch, their breaths blend together, their lips brush-

Erwin draws back suddenly and takes his hand back from Levi’s. Levi doesn’t even have the time to react, looking sicker than Erwin thought, and when the taller man gets up quickly he doesn’t stand along with him. He looks up and Erwin, shaken by what has almost happened, frowns down at him.

He rubs his eyes and shakes his head slightly. “Levi, we can’t. I can’t. Go to sleep, we only have a few hours to rest, you better take advantage of them all.” He says, even though the instinct to stay and say sorry and cradle Levi in his arms is stronger than ever.

“Sleep. Right.” Levi says and in the matter of a second he’s back to himself, the usual snappy Levi who doesn’t show any emotion whatsoever. “See you in a bit, then.”

Erwin looks at him running off quickly to his tent and never looking back, thankfully.

He sighs deeply, hoping they haven’t messed up too badly. Hoping Levi will be able to do his job and he’ll have a clear mind to finish what he started. He stares at Levi’s tent for the last time, unsure whether to go talk to him or not, and eventually leaves to find his own improvised bed too.

Sleep barely visits him.

***

They get on their horses silently after dismantling their improvised camp and head into the thick motionless forest, not a breath of air gets through. They approach the titan slowly, quietly, they can’t afford to wake it up. Erwin exchanges a few glances with Mike and Hange, with Levi too even though the fresh loud memories of only few hours before invade his mind and his heart clutches whenever he looks at him. He can’t think of that. Not now. Levi gives him the emotionless treatment and it looks like nothing ever happened, but there’s anger of rejection on his face.

They spot the titan sleeping, leaning over a huge tree, and Erwin signals everyone to get into position with their ropes in hands as they get down from their horses. They surround the titan aware that they have to be careful and every move has to be the right one, the plan is to tie it up, somehow stun him and slide it on a big platform they had brought out there. Luckily enough the titan is not a big one, it should be doable, it’s all going well until a loud noise, more like the screech of a scared bird, is heard and slits the silent they had all built up so thoroughly.

The horses neigh loudly and the titan stir up, confusion and panic scatter through the youngest cadets and Erwin swears under his breath, trying to calm them down with gestures and shushed whispers. He’s about to head over a group of them when the titan suddenly sits up and looks at him straight in the eye. Shit.

Before he can realize anything is happening a strong giant arm raises up and, after widening his blue shocked eyes once, Erwin gets hit and thrown in the air. In those few moments of flying he hears Hange scream at him and he sees, or he thinks he sees, Levi snapping and spring up to slice the Titan’s nap in two and then again and again and… Erwin hits a tree and something cracks, he groans loudly, his sight fades…

Everything turns black.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
